that is so funny because serene is the *exact* word i would use to describe you.  and calm.  lol just goes to show how the internet hides a lot, apparently!

As much as I think that one shouldn’t go around pretending that all is perfect in his or her world, I do think that excessive complaining is self indulgent and demonstrates an inability to empathize with other people.  Life is filled with suffering in both big and small ways.  When you simply focus on your own miseries and disappointments, you fail to see the good in your life, or even worse, see that your neighbor may be suffering more than you.  The older I get, the less patience I have for constant complainers. 
I’ve learned this the hard way.  Once when I went on non-stop about my in-laws, a friend who’s husband had lost both his parents before they married, said quietly “I wish my children had another set of grandparents”.  That shut me up.

Beautifully written!  And I think different situations call for putting forward different aspects of us, our family, etc.  Among a group of moms it is endearing when someone admits their struggles—we all know we *all* have them!—and lets us draw from our own store of struggles to empathize and encourage them.  At least for me, it makes my own rough times feel “worth more” when, in addition to surviving them, I have been able to put them at the service of another mom by offering what did/didn’t work for us, or just by lending a sypathetic ear.  All this said, there really are cases when I think it’s better not to share that side.  I have friend who have no children (in most of these cases because they are not married).  The saga of our 7AM meltdown getting ready yesterday morning (or fill-in-the-blank with the story of your choice) is often just plain boring to many of those who haven’t lived them & I feel the more polite topic of conversation would be one a little less vocation-specific.  Also, I think there are times even our mom-friends need us to “have it together” for them—when one or another of them is going through an even *tougher* time than we are, for example.  So those are just a few thoughts that come to mind.

I think different people have different styles online. I remember you wrote somewhere once that you were an optimist. That tells me that you probably like to focus on the good in your writing. I know for me if I spent a lot of time writing about how hard it was to be a mother and my bad days I would discourage myself. By pointing out to myself the good things I stay focused on what I love about parenting. Other people feel better by writing about the challenging things but finding the humor in it.

By the way—I’ve said exactly the same thing to each of my babies in the middle of particularly long nights. My parenting motto is, “Thankfully children are resilient.” Good luck with your lovely (and sometimes maddening ) little ones!

I often get the “you’ve got your hands full” comments and my usual response is “And I’d love to have more”.  Often that will draw a “really, you would?  Isn’t it hard?”  To which I reply “It can be crazy but 95% of the time I love it.”
I figure it says I’m not denying that it can be difficult but that it’s so worth it…and the good far, far outweighs the bad.

As the mother of 5 I’ve been there…and still today sometimes I visit there!
I remember when dear friends would come over to visit… after saying hello and sharing a cup of tea, they would go to our laundry room and get the broom and sweep my kitchen floor.  I’d be nursing a baby or corraling a toddler…and they’d be caring for me by sweeping my floor.  It was humbling and comforting…as I reflect on those moments, it might have been how the apostles felt when Jesus washed their feet.

I read something lately from Joni Earakson Tada where she said that which we are embarrassed of is something we have set up as an idol.  That was strong wording!  I definitely think it is natural to attempt to retain composure and serenity, or even its sister, the semblance of serenity!  But, it’s also important not to hide the reality.  Then we set up others for failure, because too often we as mothers are imagining that everyone else really is doing better.  So, from Joni’s quote I’ve been thinking that my attempt to keep things running smoothly is just what I should be doing, but if I do it with the purpose of keeping hidden or secret the fact that it is work to do so, or that things don’t ever fall apart, and somehow that comes to the light and I feel embarrassed, that’s a good measure of how much I’ve put the “example” I’m giving up as an idol that is only bound to fall.

I read something lately from Joni Earakson Tada where she said that which we are embarrassed of is something we have set up as an idol.  That was strong wording!  I definitely think it is natural to attempt to retain composure and serenity, or even its sister, the semblance of serenity!  But, it’s also important not to hide the reality.  Then we set up others for failure, because too often we as mothers are imagining that everyone else really is doing better.  So, from Joni’s quote I’ve been thinking that my attempt to keep things running smoothly is just what I should be doing, but if I do it with the purpose of keeping hidden or secret the fact that it is work to do so, or that things don’t ever fall apart, and somehow that comes to the light and I feel embarrassed, that’s a good measure of how much I’ve put the “example” I’m giving up as an idol that is only bound to fall.

I am all for being authentic, cracks and all.  Bring it on!!  A long time ago I used to think some moms had it all together.  Over time wisdom came with experience.  The parents of the perfectly dressed large family in the front row at church went through a divorce.  The neighbor up the street with the spotless house was actually dealing with a bipolar husband for many years who did not take his meds.  The marriage I admired for years is going thru a hard time.  Everyone has their hardships and weaknesses.

I am not concerned when people come over that my house is not clean enough.  True friends do not judge each other over the state of their home.  Although if it were really bad, like unsafe or unsanitary they would say something.

My thought is that even though bloggers online try to be as real they really are not showing their worst to the whole world.  There has to be some personal and marital boundaries.  It can be too easy for someone to think a blogger has it all together or is better at motherhood than they are.  I know we need to watch that in off-line life as well. But my point in mentioning that is it is so important to have women in your day to day life that you can be authentic with.  If you spend alot of time online but do not have those day to day relationships then I think it is important to come up with a plan for building them.  I just don’t see online friendships the same as having a friend who can hug you or sit and listen over a cup of tea in person.  However, I know some of you do find that online so maybe we all just different beings.

I know I have said those same words to my babies too! When I glumly confessed this to my mom, she told me that she screamed “SHUT UP!” to me when I was a baby and wouldn’t stop crying. She said she was mortified and cried because she felt so awful, but sometimes we all reach our limits. And I seem none the worse for wear.

Re: your question, I’m a big fan of “keeping it real” with good friends, and decided a while ago that if I only saw people when I had showered and my house was perfect, I’d never have any friends. There’s a closeness that comes with seeing the messy parts of one another, and I love that.

Having said that, I had to laugh the other day when I told the kids they needed to clean up the family room and the response was, “Oh, who’s coming over?”

It’s interesting that you post on this topic today, as it’s something I’ve been pondering as well. This is a blog entry on this, written by a friend of a friend: http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html which raised some very interesting points. It’s not written from a Christian perspective, however it gives food for thought.

I used to have the house immaculate anytime someone was going to come over. Once we went to the house of a new friend for dinner and she casually apologized for the play-doh on the floor under the kitchen table that they hadn’t had time to clean up. This was three years ago and I have thought of it so many times since. I know my tendency is to make the kids suffer all day in order to keep the house perfect for company. I was inspired by this mom to allowed her kids to flourish in spite of the fact that we were coming over later. I, like some of the other commenters, have intentionally not cleaned up some things just to set other moms at ease. Especially if I have already been to there house and notice that they do not keep things as clean as me. I want them to feel at ease and not inferior because my house is cleaner.

No mom is perfect or has it all together.  I agree with the comments that remind us that we all have different strengths and weaknesses.  I see some problems, though, in purposefully allowing others to see these weaknesses so they don’t feel bad about themselves or worrying that others feel inferior to us because they don’t possess certain qualities.  Essentially, people that are choosing friends this way are choosing based on envy.  They see a woman with qualities (real or imagined) they wish they had but are not entitled to (either God did not gift them with it or they have not put forth the effort required to attain that quality) and they decide not to be this person’s friend because they feel falsely inferior to them.  On the other side, it’s also true that some people (we’ve all been there) act like hypocrites when they run around trying to pretend they have a clean home for visitors or they’re the perfect loving mother in front of company but on a normal day they are not clean and/or patient.  When I think of finding a true friend, I often feel a longing in my soul to share with someone the joys and sorrows of my life.  The joys for me are the love of God, the giggle of a toddler, baking with my kids, gardening, providing a warm welcoming environment to loved ones and guests ( the list could go on and on).  The sorrows, I think, are revealed in time as a relationship grows and we’re able to encourage and help one another through our weaknesses (not use the others weaknesses to feel better about ourselves or to put us on more of a level playing field somehow).  I think this type of natural relationship is hard online.  Not impossible, but it’s probably not going to occur this way on a blog or twitter.  I don’t hide what makes me happy anymore though.  When I walk into someone’s home for dinner and I smell something lovely in the oven and there’s a candle lit and it looks like they actually took time to prepare for my visit, it makes me feel loved, like someone loved me enough to prepare all of this,  they think I’m worth it.  I would like other people to feel that same love when they come into my home, if they are intimidated by it I think it’s their problem and a deeper friendship probably wasn’t meant to be.  It may just be a difference in how people see friendship though or what other people feel is inspiring. I want to be around people that inspire me to become better than I am now and to grow in the virtues.  I don’t see the point in a friendship that just makes me feel good about myself because it reinforces my bad habits whatever they may be (impatience, laziness, etc.)

One of the best things I ever heard as a young mom re the feeling I had to make sure the house was ‘just so’ if a friend was coming over was, “If you’re coming to see me, come any time, if you’re coming to see my house, give me a day’s notice.”  Meaning of course, give me time to clean, neaten, etc.  We don’t have to feign sloppiness of our person or messiness of our home of course, but we do need to remember that we LIVE there after all.  Our friends should be welcomed so we can have a personal encounter with them, be Christ to them. 
It’s also important to recall the Martha and Mary story and who chose the better part. 
Finally, for me I realized it was PRIDE that was making me want to present a ‘perfect’ home to others, often stuffing piles of papers and things that were normally out away to appear organized, etc.   
These ideas took the pressure off and kept the focus on what was most important!  The result was I was less stressed, my friends were at ease and I have many dear authentic friends who really have been there for me in the darkest times.

I guess, like in any other aspect in life, there’s something uplifting and comforting in the truth that we are not alone in our suffering. It gives other moms a breather, a hope, that if all the others can get through it, so could they.

Thank you so much for this post.  I really needed this today.  My biggest struggle is to never speak harshly to the children, to say nothing at all and act rather than say something I regret.  In the fatigue of my third pregnancy, with two boys (age 3.5 and 2) I feel that I have been failing at this every day, sometimes repeatedly.  My self-esteem is shot, both as a parent and housekeeper.  So it really makes me feel better to know that other moms say things they regret as well.  Lets all just pray for each other.

That’s a great response!  Thank you.  I never know how to respond to the “You’ve got your hands full ” comment.