Rams, NFL's Smartest Team, Forget To Make Playoffs

ST. LOUIS, Mo. Isaac Bruce, wide receiver for the St. Louis Rams, didn't realize something was missing from his life until Sunday night.

"I was switching back and forth between Masterpiece Theatre on PBS and the Alvin Ailey dance company on Bravo when I stumbled on an NFC playoff game," says the four-time Pro Bowl selection. "All of a sudden it hit me — I should have been playing football," he says as he fires up the homemade particle accelerator he uses to barbecue ribs.

The Rams are the NFL's smartest team based on their collective performance on the Wonderlic Personnel Test, a standardized exam given at the NFL Scouting Combine to college football players who hope to make the pros. Despite that surfeit of gray matter, the team ended up with a record of 3-13 in 2007, their worst season since 1991.

The Wonderlic includes questions such as: "Rope is selling for $.10 a foot, and Bob is on a train traveling 60 miles an hour from Kansas City to St. Louis. You should be in: (a) a seven-man front, (b) a nickel defense with a Cover 2 or (c) a basic 4-3 alignment with RE and RT stunting."

Rams Head Coach Scott Linehan says the team's IQ sometimes gets in the way of its performance on the field.

"I told the guys to suck it up in training camp, we had a shot at a wild card spot," Linehan said disgustedly, "but no, they'd rather play chess or conjugate irregular French verbs."

"Don't blame me," said free safety Oshiomogho Atogwe, looking up over a paperback copy of Jorge Luis Borges' Ficciones. "Our playbook is bo-ring."

Among the teams with lesser intellectual gifts who made the playoffs this year were the Green Bay Packers, who as recently as 2005 were the dumbest team in the NFL based on their aggregate Wonderlic score. The Packers earned a first-round bye this year with a 13-3 record after missing the playoffs in 2006, and Green Bay's coaching staff credits a top-to-bottom overhaul of the team's learning environment.

"The guys were listening to Hooked on Phonics and Beethoven's late quartets in the locker room," says Ben McAdoo, tight ends coach. "We bought some heavy metal and alternated it with country music, and I guess you'd have to say it worked." The Packers crushed the Rams 34-13 in December as Brett Favre became the NFL's all-time leader in passing yardage. "You don't run routes like we did that day if you're Mensa material," notes McAdoo, referring to the high-IQ membership organization.

Rams coach Linehan says the problem with this year's St. Louis squad is common among intellectuals. "They're like a bunch of absent-minded professors," he notes. "They know which sonnet of Shakespeare has the 'bare ruined choirs' line in it, but they can't remember where they put their car keys."

La'Roi Glover, a defensive tackle, was unapologetic. "We are on the verge of incredible breakthroughs in nanotechnology, and all Linehan wants to talk about is blitz packages." Glover blamed the Rams coaching staff for the team's poor performance this year. "I told coach to put 'Make playoffs' on his to-do list, but he went and stuck it in a copy of a stupid Danielle Steel novel. Once you drop that in the library book return, some other knucklehead will check it out and you'll never see it again."

Rams' management said they may de-emphasize their reliance on the Wonderlic test next season and draft players based on athletic rather than cognitive skills. "Kurt Warner is the kinda player we need," said Linehan, referring to the two-time MVP who now plays for the Arizona Cardinals.

"Basically, Kurt's a religious nut," Linehan pointed out. "After every game he's telling reporters God made him throw for 300 yards, three touchdowns and no picks. Maybe he wasn't the brightest bulb on the scoreboard, but he got us to the Super Bowl twice."