NBA All-Stars: Nothing but Neat

NEW ORLEANS. It has been two years since the National Basketball Association adopted its "business casual" dress code in an effort to combat the league's "gangsta" image, personified by a 2004 brawl between the Detroit Pistons and the Indiana Pacers that started on the court and spilled into the stands. The results of that initiative were on display here last week as hoop heroes from around the nation gathered at the Superdome for the league's 57th All-Star Game.

"Hey, fellows," said the Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson as he and Shaquille O'Neal stuck their heads in the visitors' locker room to greet some of their old Eastern Conference friends. "What's new?"

"Not much," replied Ben Wallace of the Chicago Bulls as he smoothed down his formerly fearsome Afro with Wildroot Cream Oil.

"Cool Dockers!" said Paul Pierce of the Celtics with an admiring glance as he greeted Iverson.

"Thank you," said Iverson with a sheepish look on his face as he smoothed the pleats on his pants. "I was totally wrong about the dress code!"

"That's for sure," said Duane Wade as he put the finishing touches on a four-in-hand knot in a British rep tie.

"Hey 'Duane' — since when did you go from 'Dwyane' to 'Duane'?" O'Neal asked.

Now it was Wade's turn to crack a little smile of embarrassment. "'Dwyane' was kind of — I don't know — déclassé. A little 'street', don't you think?"

A cloud passed over O'Neal's face as he considered the implications of his Miami Heat teammate's decision. "So you think 'Shaq' is too . . ."

"Ghetto?" suggested Iverson.

"Well, yes," O'Neal replied with a hurt look.

"I'm sure he meant no disrespect," Iverson said, playing the peacemaker. "For example, I used to be 'The Answer' but I changed my nickname to 'Chip'. Like it?"

"Very collegiate," said high school grad LeBron James with an envious tone in his voice.

"Well, I did go to Georgetown," Iverson replied. "It goes better with my dorky new look."

Jason Kidd appeared at the door, a ball in his hands, eager to shoot some "hoops" with his dream teammates for the weekend.

"Guys," said Kidd. "Gather 'round."

Vince Carter ambled over, all ears. "What is up, dog?"

"I've been working on a two-handed set shot!"

"Neat!" Carter exclaimed. "How do you do it?"

"It's all in the wrists — keep them loose, rotate the ball towards your tummy, and when you release, keep your feet firmly planted on the hardwood!"

"That's 'East Coast Basketball' at its best!" Gilbert Arenas shouted from his stool in the corner. "Like Holy Cross in the '40s!"

"You'd better save your voice for your a cappella group, Gil!" Pierce yelled, poking good-natured fun at the Wizard guard.

The other players laughed so hard they didn't realize that Cleveland Cavaliers' coach Mike Brown had appeared at the door.

"Okay, gents, let's cut out the horseplay," Brown said with a gruff voice. The players had hoped that their coach would go easy on them over All-Star Weekend, and his tone gave them a start.

"We have a tough row to hoe against these fellows from the Western Conference," Brown said once the room had quieted down. "They're a disciplined bunch over there."

"You'd better believe it," Iverson chimed in with a "flip" tone. He had lost none of his former impertinence, even though he looked like a sales associate from the Gap.

"Can you give us a 'for instance', Coach?" Pierce asked.

"Well, Amare Stoudemire is wearing brown kiltie loafers," Brown began. "With tassels."

"I can handle him," said Wallace.

"Tracy McGrady isn't 'T-Mac' anymore," the coach continued.

"What does he go by?" Wade asked.

"He prefers to be known as 'Tracy McGrady.' "

Pierce gave out a low whistle. "That is one bad-derriere nickname," he said with admiration.

"How about Kobe?" O'Neal asked.

"He's changed," Brown replied sharply, his eyes narrowing to grim little slits. "He's got limited liability."

"You mean when he drives the lane . . ." Arenas began before Brown cut him off.

"It's not him — it's Kobe Bryant, LLP. Personally, you can't touch him."

"Golly," Jermaine "Jerry" O'Neal said with a look of disappointment. "I thought the All-Star Game was supposed to be fun!"

"Bullhockey," Brown snapped. "It's only fun if you win."

A gloomy mood settled over the players, and they stared down at their sneakers. In their dejected state they failed to notice Tim Duncan and Steve Nash lurking outside the room with air horns. The two interlopers waited until Brown was about to speak, then let out a blast you could hear a mile away!

"Duncan, you fish stick!" Shaquille screamed with his hands over his ears.

"Ha, ha, ha!" Iverson laughed.

"We'll see you guys on the court," Nash said with relish as the three Western Conference stars ran away.

"You practical jokers had better behave yourselves or I'll tell your coach!" Brown yelled after them.

After order was restored, the coach grabbed a felt-tipped pen, wrote the words "Core Competencies," "Changing Marketplace" and "Strategic Goals" across the top of a white board on the wall and turned to face his players.

"Let's make a list of what we hope to accomplish this weekend," he said, and hands shot up around the room.