Harriet Miers's Original Intent
by J. Daniel Janzen

Sir--thanks for letting me take another crack at this letter; I think you were right about the first draft. See correx as indicated; replace strikeout text with insertions in red (you know how I love color-coding things!)
xoxo
HM

Dear Mr. President,

I write to withdraw as a nominee to serve as your water-carrier an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court of the United States. I have been greatly tickled honored and humbled by the confidence that you have shown in me, and have appreciated immensely your solitary support in the face of the universal contempt and the support of many others. However, I am concerned that the confirmation process has been an unmitigated disaster represents a burden for the White House and the entire conservative movement our staff that is not in the best interest of you, me and any future we might have had together, if only things had gone a little differently the country.

As you know, members of the Senate have been asking really hard questions about laws and the constitution and such, not to mention that impossible questionnaire indicated their intention to seek documents about my service in the White House in order to judge whether to support me. I have been informed repeatedly that in lieu of any conceivable qualifications to serve on the high court records, I would be expected to testify about my service in the White House to demonstrate my experience and judicial philosophy. While I believe that my conversion from Catholicism to fundamentalist Protestantism lengthy career provides sufficient evidence for consideration of my nomination, I am convinced the efforts to document my clear ambivalence about abortion rights, longtime confusion over the meaning of "equal protection" and hostility to the all-important Federalist Society obtain Executive Branch materials will continue to aggravate the hard right nut-jobs who are really the only friends you have left.

As I stated that magical night in the boathouse in my acceptance remarks in the Oval Office, the strength and independence of the Bush Administration our three branches of government are critical to the continued success of the covert evangelical coup we've all worked so long and hard on — oops, did I actually say "hard on?" It must be the Bailey's talking! this great Nation. Repeatedly in the course of the process of confirmation for the vastly better-qualified nominees of other positions, I have steadfastly maintained that the unquestioned supremacy independence of the Executive Branch be preserved and the full details of our torture policy, the truth about your role in Plamegate and the unholy deal we made with Ben Barnes in the wake of the Texas Lottery scandal to keep him quiet about your Texas Air National Guard problem its confidential documents and information not be released under any circumstances to further a confirmation. I feel all twisted-up inside, like a ball of yarn too long played with by too many kittens compelled to adhere to this position, especially related to my own failure to give you better advice about this whole situation, especially when so many of your closest advisors are distracted by the threat of indictment nomination. Protection of my liege, my lord, the sun in my sky and the ruler of my heart the prerogatives of the Executive Branch and continued pursuit of any remaining shred of dignity my confirmation are in tension. I have decided that this tragic, humiliating charade seeking my confirmation should yield.

I share your commitment to justice the old-fashioned way: hard, rough and unapologetic, with just a little tenderness afterwards appointing judges with a conservative judicial philosophy, and I look forward to continuing to support your efforts to provide the American people judges who will yank their nation mightily rightward interpret the law, not make it. I am most grateful for the opportunity to have basked in the presence of your awesome coolness served your Administration and this country.

With undying doe-eyed admiration and--yes, love--there, I said it! Most respectfully,

Harriet Ellen Ellan Miers