Threats to Humanity All-Time Face-Off

For nearly half of the 20th century, the human race lived in the shadow of a superpower rivalry which threatened the destruction of both sides along with the rest of the world. Around the time the Cold War was finally wrapping itself up, we became aware of a new threat: an ecological breakdown that would render our planet inexorably less hospitable to human life for the foreseeable future unless we mustered the global unity and will to take painful, costly and difficult measures. Is this a case of "out of the frying pan, into the fire," or are eroding beaches and stronger storms chump change compared to duck-and-cover drills and fallout shelters?

Which crisis will future generations (if any) most applaud us for overcoming (as applicable)? Here, for the crown, a death cage match between the coterminous calamities that have enshadowed virtually all of living memory.

Round 1: Source of Menace
Cold War: The Russians and their drive for global dominion
Global Warming: Industrial and economic forces beyond our control and their lethal effect on fragile ecological systems we've only begun to understand
Winner: Global Warming (immutable laws of science and nature trump saber-rattling by a slowly decaying empire)

Round 2: Framing Doctrine
Cold War: Mutually Assured Destruction
Global Warming: No, You Go First
Winner: Cold War (suicide pact edges out schoolyard nattering)

Round 3: The Enemy
Cold War: Them
Global Warming: Us
Winner: Global Warming (lacking even the cold comfort of moral clarity)

Round 4: What We're Up Against
Cold War: The iron fist of fascism
Global Warming: The universal abhorrence of inconvenience
Winner: Global Warming (firmly rooted in an inescapable flaw of human nature)

Round 5: Nature of Peril
Cold War: Small but constant threat of sudden annihilation
Global Warming: Overwhelming likelihood of ever-increasing slow misery
Winner: Cold War (irrational terror out-punches sickening realization)

Round 6: Technological Original Sin
Cold War: The Manhattan Project
Global Warming: The discovery of fire
Winner: Cold War (Prometheus could hardly have been expected to see where his gift would lead)

Round 7: America's Role
Cold War: Moral, industrial and military leadership
Global Warming: Moral, industrial and political culpability
Winner: Global Warming (there's nobody to blame but ourselves)

Round 8: Mankind's Only Hope
Cold War: Cool heads continue to prevail
Global Warming: A massive worldwide effort to dramatically reshape every aspect of modern life in an unimaginably short time
Winner: Global Warming (a little unfair, since we already know how the Cold War turned out)

Round 9: Best Possible Outcome
Cold War: Although much money is spent on arms and many lives are lost in proxy wars, the cloud passes and mankind breathes a sigh of relief
Global Warming: We're already fairly hosed, but perhaps our great-grandchildren can live a better life
Winner: Global Warming (sorry, kids...)

Round 10: Definitive Literary Depiction of Worst Case Scenario
Cold War: Cormac McCarthy's The Road
Global Warming: Pixar's Wall-E
Winner: Cold War (marauding cannibals send Chaplinesque robots running for cover)

By a score of 6-4, the decision goes to Global Warming! As Al Gore and Dick Cheney enter the ring to bestow the championship belt, catastrophe fans everywhere can look forward to what will surely be a long and glorious reign by the most dire self-inflicted fate ever to befall human civilization. Take a bow, G.W. — you've earned it.