The 2008 Veepstakes

It's Decision 2008 time, and in perhaps the most heavy hitting presidential showdown since William Taft-Fatty Arbuckle in 1912, we have Arizona Republican Senator John McCain vs. Illinois Democratic Senator Barack Obama. Both candidates are energizing, but also quite controversial. Votes for either men run the possible risk of us losing a president while in office — McCain to death from old age; Obama to a bullet fired by a crazy, racist assassin. Therefore, selecting the right vice-presidential candidate is oh, so important for these two competitors. So, let's look at the candidates and who their choices should be.

JOHN MCCAIN

The biggest complaints against McCain are that he's too old, too moderate, and that he's a war hero. In choosing a vice president, the creaky, biologically disintegrating McCain may just be choosing our next president.

Another challenge: McCain, the right believes, is far too leftist to vote for. Funnyman Ann Coulter even stated a preference for voting (Hillary) Clinton rather than voting McCain. And after America told Bob Dole to go pound sand with his good arm in '96, and then voted for the draft-dodging George W. over Vietnam veteran John Kerry in 2004, do we really want a president with actual military experience?

Some suggestions, then:

Ann Coulter — They wouldn't see this coming after the Hillary comment, and who better to combat a possible Hillary choice by Obama than Ms. Coulter herself? The McCain ticket? Too moderate? Until she finally tells the world, "Ha! I fooled you all! I was kidding!" for everything she's said and written in the last 12 years, she's the most conservative choice there is. And she ain't too bad to look at if you're an old, crotchety, Republican type either.

Michael Moore — Fuck 'em. The conservatives want to attack you, Senator McCain? Give 'em a good reason. We haven't heard from Moore since that piece of communist propaganda Sicko disgraced our fine movie theaters last summer. It's time for a revival, and a McCain/Moore ticket is just the shake-up America has been dying for.

Any old Vietnamese guy — Remind the people just who you are, Senator. Let them remember you're a damn war hero, for Pete's sake. And if you can suddenly go off and lose it on your own vice president, imagine what President McCain will do to anyone harboring a damn terrorist!

Any draft-dodging Republican — Whether it's Phil Gramm, Dennis Hastert, Tom Delay, Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Newt Gingrich, Jack Kemp, Dick Armey, Dan Quayle, or even current VP Dick Cheney, a nice, draft-dodging Republican running mate will show the US that the McCain campaign isn't just all about "Vietnam this" and "Vietnam that."

Dakota Fanning — How old does one have to be to be vice president? Who cares? At 14, little Dakota is just the right age to offset McCain's ridiculous elderlyness, and still almost feminine enough to combat the aforementioned Hillary factor, if necessary. And she ain't too bad to look at if you're a young Obama supporter capable of being swung over to the elephant side.

An aborted fetus — McCain is hardcore, and he needs a hardcore running mate. What's better than having youth on your side, plus really freaking out those sissy pro-life conservatives? Have someone hold one in a jar maybe. It doesn't even need to be real. You can probably still get a pickled punk from a freak show somewhere.

BARACK OBAMA

It's no secret that the popularity of Barack Obama scares the bejesus out of certain citizens of God's predominantly white America. But everyone from John Kerry to Oprah to Hulk Hogan has endorsed the Senator. The youth of America — black, white, blue and green — has embraced him. The problem? Is he a safe choice? In a country with voting citizens who still think The Birth of a Nation is "a hoot," can a man like Obama win? And, if so, can he survive four years of the hardship he's bound to face?

The biggest complaints against Obama are that he's too liberal, too inexperienced, and that he's black. Obama is young enough to be John McCain's illegitimate child. He's only been a US Senator since 2004. If you're an old curmudgeon who cares about things like "experience," then sure, play that card. But remember the Nike-sponsored "Griffey for President" campaign in '96? Ken Griffey Jr. was only 27 and had only been in the Majors a few years. He didn't win, of course, because he too is black. Voters around America do not want to see a similar injustice this election year.

For Senator Obama, choosing a running mate is an even bigger decision than for his opponent. Here are some suggestions:

The Dixie Chicks — Yes, conservatives still hate them, for some reason. So, as long as we're breaking the color rules of the presidency, why not break 'em all and have not one, but three vice presidents? All of them female. All of them hella controversial. Or, better yet. Screw the VP. Obama needs a posse. The vice posse: Q-Tip, Quest Love, Herbie Hancock! Bring 'em all on board!

Flavor Flav — Dennis Rodman or Wesley Snipes would work just as well, but Flav is just the man to stand beside President Obama and make any potential assassin think twice about pulling that trigger, unless he's willing to shoot twice real fast, and real accurate. And, speaking of posses, choosing Flavor as his VP might even score Obama the rest of Public Enemy, including Chuck D, Terminator X, and all of the S1Ws.

Jeb Bush — Change, my ass! Talk about a classic pro wrestling swerve! Show the youth of America that they really shouldn't trust anyone in power, whether it's the government or whoever's holding the bong. Four more years!

Any homosexual — What's the only thing that could be worse than a black president? Exactly. So, whether it be Ellen or Rosie, Bruce Vilanch or Mario Cantone, nothing would make for a safer Obama presidency than a VP who can't marry in 96 percent of the nation.

Former US Senator Max Cleland — Perhaps the only way to counter McCain's experience would be with the former Georgia Senator and triple amputee. With the possible exception of Jack Murtha, he's maybe the only veteran conservatives hate more than McCain and John Kerry.

John F. Kennedy — Consider this the solution to the experience problem. There are pieces of JFK's head still around, right? Parade those around the country as the next vice president and watch the votes pour in. Plus, Obama might get sympathy votes if Ted dies.

Condoleezza Rice — Here's a choice guaranteed to fry everybody's brain. Let's start with the Republicans. Sure, she's an apologist for the Iraq war and a loyal Bush partisan who is still trusted and beloved by even many disgruntled GOP rank-and-filers. But... but... she's a black woman. Two black people? On one ticket? But... she'd balance out Obama's crazy liberal influences and bring so much hope to the country! And if she's good enough to be George W. Bush's, ahem, "exercise buddy," isn't she good enough to help America remain the greatest nation on Earth?

Of course, Democrats would also be confused.

With any of these candidates, Senators McCain and Obama could very well win the presidency. In fact, both of them can. This is America, after all.