Flak Magazine: Misc. Archives

911 lotto | 09.14.02
Why seemingly impossible random acts — acts that may be wonderful, horrific, miraculous or terrifying — are bound to occur By JonMichael Rasmus

ADA's oral cancer campaign | 01.17.02
Mouth tumors are deadly if not treated early. They're also just a little bit sexy. By James Norton

Adderall | 02.20.01
Finally, a drug to help you escape the world of relaxation, into the blissful land of work. By Peter

Aerobed | 07.04.02
It's inflatable, it's modern, and it makes your guests comfortable. Just don't screw up and get the wrong kind. By J. Daniel Janzen

Air safety instructions | 08.24.00
Ancient rituals, and how they help us fly. By James Norton

Allotments | 10.29.03
As Voltaire said, "Il faut cultiver notre jardin." By Louis Cooke

American Flag Remote, by Radio Shack | 09.11.03
Finally: A coherent, convincing display of America's greatness that you can use to customize your "Survivor 8" experience. By Eric Wittmershaus

America Online, Gold | 01.28.00
A penetrating, high-flying review of America's biggest online service. By James Norton

Appearing on TV | 08.05.05
Regis and Geraldo's jobs are harder than you'd think. By James Norton

Apple Store, The | 06.05.01
Apple's venture into computer retailing could further unite — or bitterly divide — its community of supporters. By Karen Kersting

April Ade | 12.01.05
Unlike the Union of Aerosmith and RunDMC, this drink is the worst of both worlds. By Louis Cooke

ASBOs | 06.30.05
Draconian. Creative. British as hell. By Louis Cooke

Asian Pears | 02.06.00
Perplexing pears that fail to please. By Eric Wittmershaus

Autocrat coffee syrup | 10.22.01
Finally: A thick brown syrup you can mix with milk to make it taste more like coffee. By James Norton

Autumn leaf | 10.19.00
A heartbreaking review of a single autumn leaf. By Dan Norton

B&M; Canned Bread | 08.24.01
Bread in a can? Fascinating, fascinating stuff. By James Norton

The BBC Shipping Forecast | 09.12.02
The soothing poetry of wind speeds and barometric readings. By Damon Leigh

Babies on Airplanes | 04.30.04
In the event of a water landing, diapers can be used as flotation devices. By J. Daniel Janzen

Back Hair | 05.09.03
These hairy men are not animals; nor is their stigma the result of some crime against humanity. Wake up, America! By J. Daniel Janzen

Ballpark Food | 10.18.05
Take me out to the sausage; take me out to the 64 oz. Fenway commemorative Coke... By James Norton

Bawls Guarana high-caffeine beverage | 06.06.02
Guarana: the dubious substance that makes 40-hour problem set sessions tolerable. By Julia Lipman

Becoming Sandra Bullock | 05.17.05
A body double explores the psychology of the vanishing film star. By Aemilia Scott

Being Safe | 08.09.06
Attention young people: It is "cool" to be safe. By James Norton

Being Unemployed | 05.22.07
The toughest lack of a job you'll ever love. By Eric Hananoki

The Believer | 04.17.03
Wherein the Believer smites the snarky and resanctifies the Reader. By J. Daniel Janzen

Black-and-White Photography | 08.23.01
Black-and-white photography is to color photography what the bicycle is to the electric scooter. By Sara J. Brenneis

Blackouts | 01.19.01
You haven't known disorientation until it's pitch dark at 6 p.m. and you're trying to spot your bus stop. By Eric Wittmershaus

Blizzards | 02.17.03
The big one of 2003, reviewed as it unfolds. Bust out the Kahlua! By James Norton

Bonfire Night | 11.05.03
A good time for all, assuming you're not Osama Bin Laden or the Pope. By Louis Cooke

Bookmarks Magazine | 09.19.02
A magazine to be read by people who don't know what to read. By Clay Risen

Botan Rice Candy stickers | 05.15.01
There's no explaining the damn things, but they're fun to look at. By James Norton

Botan Rice Candy Redux | 07.26.01
More stickers — and trenchant commentary — from the makers of the world's best rice candy. By James Norton

BBSes | 11.23.01
Worship at the grave of the Internet's spiritual ancestor: the Bulletin Board System. By John Gorenfeld

British Crosswords | 12.26.01
Everyone knows Brits are wittier, more erudite and more sophisticated than their baboon-like American cousins. This just in: They've got better crosswords, too. By Clay Risen

Bubble Bobble | 05.04.04
Essential life lessons from bubble-blowing dinosaurs. By Tom Hall

Bunions at 36 | 11.17.03
The special pain of stubbing your toe on the door jamb of mortality. By J. Daniel Janzen

Bunny Humping | 12.16.03
What really goes on behind those innocent yet beady eyes? By Dan Norton

Cambridge 69 Bus | 03.04.02
The Cambridge 69 bus does not feature hot Ukrainian sex workers or busty blonde coeds. It does, however, take you past Live Poultry: Fresh-Killed. By James Norton

Camping with the Kids | 07.02.07
Does a toddler sleep in the woods? By J. Daniel Janzen

Candles | 07.15.03
It's just flammable wax, people! Wake up! By Paul Davidson

Canvassing | 01.24.08
The art, misery, tragedy, comedy, and pure and simple beauty of knocking on doors to raise money. By Matt Hanson

Capri Pants | 08.05.03
Why do women pay to look as though they washed pants that they were supposed to dryclean? By Liz Khalil

The Cell Phone | 05.19.04
Solitude goes the way of the Neanderthal. By James Norton

Chick publications | 11.15.99
Why, these funny little cartoon books are full of hate! Neat. By James Norton

Childhood | 12.04.02
The magically terrifying journey from birth to age 18, broken down into five easy pieces and reviewed. By Flak Staff

Chomsky's e-mail | 04.05.00
When one of the world's foremost linguists goofs up his e-mail, the results can be deadly... or hilarious! By Julia Lipman

Christmas music played outdoors | 12.24.01
Flak can't quite get up the courage to ask the neighbors to turn down that damn electronic Christmas music. By James Norton

CHUBBY | 06.10.00
A little lesson in how US corporations are teaching their developing world brethern. By James Norton

Cinnabons | 08.07.01
The complicated duality of America's favorite sweet treat: the Cinnabon. By James Norton

Coca-Cola Blāk | 04.13.06
It's not Coke, it's not coffee, and it's not good. By James Norton

The Cold Stone Heart of Cold Stone Creamery | 12.20.07
Don't be fooled by the tasty mix-ins and singing servers. By Joshua Hirshfeld

Color-a-Cookie Cookie Coloring Kit | 12.24.04
A puzzling combination of Christmas, food ... and markers? By Eric Wittmershaus

The Coney Island Run | 11.26.07
When public inebriation and public transportation converge. By John Flowers

Conway's Game of Life | 11.02.99
Somewhat simpler than the real thing, but just as good, pretty much. By Dan Norton

Country Singles | 07.22.02
When you've exhausted Salon Personals' supply of Reba-listening, NASCAR-loving non-inmates, there's only one place to turn. By Bob Cook

The cover letter accompanying the Wondermints' album Mind if We Make Love to You | 10.15.02
A putrid press release, unabridged and annotated. By Eric Wittmershaus

Cracklins | 01.31.01
They're small. They're crunchy. They're pork fat. What's not to like? By Clay Risen

Customers and Guests | 03.11.05
Corporations of America: We didn't ask to be your guests. By James Norton

Cycling in Japan | 02.18.04
Take me home, country roads, to the place I belong. By James Roth

D, E

Daruma dolls | 02.13.01
From ancient Japan comes the secret of sticktuitiveness. By James Norton

Dating at the Gates | 02.16.05
A man, a woman, sprawling conceptual art and the rambling wilds of Central Park. By Stephen Bracco

Daylight saving time | 10.29.01
Something's shakin' out there in the dark. By Eric Wittmershaus

Deep-fried Candy Bars | 11.15.05
Detailed instructions on how to make sweet, sweet, fried candy, all night long. By Crystal Schwanke.

Defrosting the Fridge | 10.04.05
Rediscover your inner warrior inside the icebox. By James Norton.

Dental tools | 12.18.00
Dental tools aren't evil. Dentists are another question altogether. By Dan Norton

Dessert | 06.24.03
They're not just cannoli. They're a way of life. By James Norton

Detasseling | 08.29.03
It's hell on Earth. It's man against corn. It's the best-paying job a 13-year-old in northern Illinois can have. By Mary Gustafson

Diablo II | 03.23.01
What if a computer game could help dull the pain of being alive? By James Norton

The Diaper Genie | 11.21.03
He banishes infant waste to the land of wind and ghosts. By J. Daniel Janzen

Dining in Singapore | 11.26.03
Don't settle for a bus station burger — take a walk on the spicy side. By James Roth

Dippin' Dots | 11.05.01
If Dippin' Dots are the ice cream of the future, it's a bleak future indeed. By Andy Ross

Doing the Dishes | 08.09.05
Caution: may lead to ten wrinkled fingers and one looming, badass feeling of resentment. By James Norton

Domino's Brooklyn-Style Pizza | 12.06.06
An honest-to-gawd Brooklynite puts the a pretender to the throne to the test. By J. Daniel Janzen

Dress-A-Vac | 06.24.02
Do vacuum cleaners really improve when you dress them up? By James Norton

Dry Heaves | 06.19.03
Documentation for our second-most-remarkable involuntary body movement. By Paul Davidson

Elderly Drivers | 07.22.05
Your Lincoln Town Car-driving grandparents should be a lesson to all of us. By David Bonkosky

Empty vegetarian capsules | 05.03.01
This whole-foods drug paraphernalia lets you have anything you ever wanted in pill form — like buttercream frosting. By Julia Lipman

Enthusiasts | 02.25.04
Whao there, big fella — you keep that GU to yourself. By Patrick Quirk

Euchre | 06.20.03
Approaching Platonic perfection in all that one could wish from playing cards, euchre combines the deceptive simplicity of gin with the addictive competitiveness of poker. By J. Daniel Janzen

Review: Evolution | 10.11.05
Just because it's been around for 3.5 billion years, doesn't mean it's any good. By Elizabeth Khalil.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight, The Lyrics to | 12.07.05
Nobody will Wang Chung tonight. Nobody. By James Norton

Eziba catalog | 08.27.01
Culturally sensitive or a gray paste of mediocre exploitation? By James Norton

Falling in Love | 12.03.02
A heart-stoppingly precise analysis of the drug called "love." By Cary Parker

Feng Shui | 04.10.00
It's a mystical power that surrounds us and controls us. It's particularly strong in our home furnishings. By James Norton

Flip Flops | 07.01.05
Free your toes and your society will follow. By J. Daniel Janzen

Flute cookies | 10.18.99
They're a lot tastier than they sound, but also a lot less musical. By James Norton

Foie Gras | 12.14.04
If meat is murder, foie gras is sadistic torture. Mmm — rich, delicious, creamy, torture. By James Norton

Folgers coffee | 06.11.02
The best part of waking up is not having to care about the intricacies of premium Ethiopian coffee and the pressure setting on the espresso machine. By Dan Norton

The Found Art of Shaving | 03.13.08
Indulge yourself — but remember: never ask a man with a razor for a "happy ending." By Colin Alexander

French Technology | 04.16.04
We do it the French way, or we don't do it. By Madhu Krishnan

Frenchmen in Fannypacks | 01.22.04
Is that a gun in your fannypack, or are you just happy to see me? By Madhu Krishnan

Frootloops | 12.22.99
They're not fruity. They're not really cereal. But they certainly are looplike. By James Norton

Frostypaws | 12.18.01
A word of advice: When ice cream says it's for dogs, it's really just for dogs. By James Norton

Fruit Stripe Gum | 04.28.04
Listen to the zebra, kid. He knows what you like. By Matt Salo

Funyuns | 11.17.03
They're fun, dammit — but you'll hate yourself in the morning. By Alissa Rowinsky

Funky Fries | 07.02.02
Is that mold on your fries, or are they just being marketed to a pre-teen demographic? By Bob Sassone

G, H, I

Garage Sales | 08.17.04
Five bucks for the Stradivarius? Fine — but you have to buy your own strings. By Tom Hall

Garden gnomes | 02.14.00
These little scamps helped make rural Austria the fun place it is today. By Clay Risen

Gas Card, the Company | 07.13.06
As perks go, it's a mighty inconvenient one — at least for the world as a whole. By Colin Alexander

George Foreman Grill | 08.17.01
It's not just a cult; it's also a grill. By Bob Cook

Getting a Vanilla Coke at the Boston Logan Airport Johnny Rockets | 15.08.06
An old time diner experience at the Logan Airport? Gee-golly, sounds too good to be true! (It is). By Becca Dilley

Getting a Vasectomy | 05.11.07
Go forth and don't multiply. By J. Daniel Janzen

Getting Nintendo Music Stuck in Your Head | 01.14.04
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, thumbs twitching. By James Norton

Going to the Movies | 07.13.01
What other pastime is both so well-loved and so hated? A lament for the sorry state of movie-going. By Clay Risen

Going Out and Pretending You Don't Want to be Recognized | 08.21.01
What if you're alone and you don't want to be recognized? Then you are suddenly compelling. By Julia Lipman

Grapermelon gum | 10.08.03
It's a gum. It's a candy. It's a Biblically condemned abomination! By James Norton

The Gray Squirrel | 06.01.04
Sorry, Mr. Nutkin — better dead than red. By Louis Cooke

Grey | 01.28.02
When you let a vowel slip, it's not just spelling you jeopardize, but the American way of life. Do we get to win this time? By Sean Weitner

Growing an Beard | 01.30.04
No man-child, I — behold these whiskered cheeks! By Bob Cook

Guardian Angel home alcohol test | 11.29.01
This matchstick-sized strip offers three categories of drunkenness. By Bob Cook

Hakama | 05.02.00
If you don't have hakama, you don't even understand what "cool" is. By Dan Norton

Harper's Bazaar | 09.29.03
A publication that truly extends the normal magazine methodology as far as it can go. By Taylor Carik

The Happy Meal Rat | 03.20.06
Some things — no matter how cute they may be — do not belong in our food. By Colin Alexander

Hawaii: The Spam Archipelago | 12.03.07
The beating heart of the islands can be found in a blue-and-yellow can. By Eric Hananoki

High Summer | 07.09.03
When the heat comes to you, don't try to beat it. Embrace it. By James Norton

Hollywood Diet | 05.30.02
The secret of Hollywood revealed: To lose weight, all you need to do is starve yourself. By Claire Zulkey

The Honda Super Cub | 10.23.03
The little engine that could — and still does. By James Roth

Hotdish on a Stick | 08.31.06
From the grounds of the Minnesota State Fair comes an item of food beyond your comprehension. By James Norton

Huge Strollers | 04.07.04
Hummers for droolers. By Liz Khalil

Iceland | 03.21.00
A loving look at the land of hot springs and cold landscapes. By Julia Lipman

Iceland: The Quickening | 04.01.00
A respectful dissent from the idea that Iceland isn't a frozen pile of human waste. By Benjamin Arnoldy

Indian meal moths | 01.10.00
A closer look at the bonus brown seasoning bubbling up from your rigatoni. By James Norton

Iraq's "On Hold" Music | 03.04.03
What happens what Iraq puts you on hold? By James Norton

IRN-BRU | 01.10.00
The weird, orangish beverage from Scotland that we like. By James Norton

It's All Good vs. It Is What It Is | 06.11.03
Warm affirmation faces off against cold existential fact. By J. Daniel Janzen

J, K, L

Japanese Toys for Grownups | 06.25.07
Is that an Uglydoll in your Pocky, or are you just glad to see me? By Julianne Weiss

Jingle Jugs | 07.24.07
When you care about the statement you make. By Alissa Rowinsky

Jonathan Franzen's author photo | 11.01.01
Is the Oprah-gaffe-making novelist hunky or nebbishy? Only you can decide. By Julia Lipman

Jujubes | 11.01.01
Real candy inflicts catastrophic skull damage. By Dan Norton

Jury Duty | 06.10.05
The final frontier of civic duty: solemn responsibility, tempered by a healthy dose of "we need to make the verdict quick. They're buying us lunch at work tomorrow. By David Bonkosky

Killin' Your Own Kind | 07.16.02
There comes a time — often in a gourmet supermarket — when our fellow men push us too far. By James Norton

Kinkade, Thomas | 02.01.00
The "painter of light" gets a little of his own magic shined back at him. By Clay Risen

Knock-Out Hockey | 04.16.00
Hockey games with all that boring shooting and skating removed. By James Norton

Knots | 03.01.01
We're nuts for knots. By Dan Norton

Legal Helpers sign | 11.11.02
The world's most depressing sign may be riding around inside the Chicago El. By James Norton

Lego Fun Snacks | 04.02.07
Lego has fallen a long, sordid way. A long, sordid way. By James Norton

Levenger journal entries | 11.26.01
What are the Levenger people thinking? That by pouring out the innermost thoughts of shallow fictional people assumed to resemble their customers they can increase sales of $50 journals? By James Norton

Life Cereal | 11.02.99
He likes it! Grumpy Flak reviewer and social commentator Eric Wittmershaus likes it! By Eric Wittmershaus

Life (Game of) | 11.02.99
A classic boardgame really fails to live up to the hype. By Jeremy Richards

Life (Real) | 11.02.99
Just like a movie: a whole lot of splendor ruined by an hilarious twist ending. By Dan Norton

Limousines | 4.25.06
A luxury experience that is exactly as uncool as expected. By James Norton

Linux | 04.05.02
Stand up against tyranny. Use Linux. By Dan Norton

Listerine Strips | 11.12.01
In the breath-freshening realm, marketers emphasize two things: minty-ness and kitsch value. These pieces of green tape that you put on your tongue exemplify both. By Claire Zulkey

Littering | 04.22.03
A harrowing journey into the dark world of litterers. By Matthew Rand

Living Forever | 12.12.03
We're on the cusp of a golden age defined by our ability to keep ourselves alive more efficiently than we're able to kill ourselves off. By J. Daniel Janzen

LOLspeak | 07.03.07
Kittens in blackface? By Eve Adams

Losing three years' worth of e-mail | 11.12.02
If they're only virtual letters, why does the pain feel so goddamn real?! Why, God, why? By James Norton

L'Oréal Couleur Experte | 09.18.03
Sure, it took 15 years to perfect, but L'Oreal's pricey new hair dye colored me badd. By Stephanie Kuenn

Love Songs at the Bank | 09.28.05
Giving you love in all the wrong places. By James Norton

Dark Chocolate M&M;'s | 05.12.05
Go to the dark side and try these new, non-shitty M&M;'s. By James Norton

Custom-Printed M&M;'s | 11.22.06
We know what you're thinking, but "ANALINGUS" isn't allowed. By James Norton

Making Time in Manhattan | 02.06.04
Get out of my way or I'll kill you. By Ian Schwartz

Making Your Office a Designated Safe Room | 04.02.03
What to do when it's day five of the apocalypse and you're running out of Pria bars. By Liz Khalil

Mantis | 05.23.01
How to enjoy the monstrous grace of a praying mantis. By Dan Norton

Maps for Sale

| 10.26.05
A meditation on nation and identity, where the lines begin to blur. By Rohit Gupta

Marmite | 08.19.03
The curious yeasty spread with the rodentlike name is the quintessential British thing. By Louis Cooke

Marriage Proposals | 12.21.05
Forget one knee. Try a 21-gun salute. By Liz Khalil

Match-Light charcoal | 04.29.02
Napalm in a bag. God bless the American chemical industry. By James Norton

McCain Smiles | 12.12.02
The latest iteration of the same old tuber. By James Norton

McGriddle | 07.02.02
Its novelty factor is high. Its subtlety factor is low. Brace yourself for the shocking secrets of McGriddle! By James Norton

Mead Spell-Write Steno Book word list | 10.03.01
Who are Remington-Rand, and why have they taken such a deep interest in education? Why can't Mead just come up with its own list? By Julia Lipman

Memes | 05.27.02
Thoughts are infectious, potentially fatal... and the key to immortality. By Dan Norton

Midwest Express Airlines | 05.09.01
Strap in for some retro-cool air travel, kids. By James Norton

Mind Meld | 12.11.01
Why does the whole world ridicule William Shatner? By John Gorenfeld

The Mint Julep | 07.27.02
Perfect coolness, poured into a cup. By James Norton

Miss Vickie's Chips | 09.06.01
Miss Vickie's: potato chips internationale. By Clay Risen

Mocking a Guy With a Hitler Mustache | 11.01.02
Where manners, morals and facial hair collide. By James Norton

Morning People | 01.06.04
They're chirpy. They're bright-eyed. Do morning people really have more fun? By Patrick Quirk

MOS burger | 05.06.03
Japan's haute cuisine interpretation of the classic hamburger, complete with a wasabi kick. By James Roth

Mozart and Friends Sleepytime | 12.04.02
The video's made for babies, but damned if it isn't an opiate for the parents, as well. By James Stegall

Mrs. Renfro's | 03.04.04
Fine salsa is treasured in the nature of things. By J. Daniel Janzen

Necco candy buttons | 04.24.01
When's the last time you ate a strip of paper with some melted sugar stuck to it, huh? By James Norton

Nevada's Rejected License Plate | 10.02.02
Nevada's great plate debate was really about the soul of the state. (It was "V".) By Jonathan Kiefer

New York's 9/11 Lottery | 09.14.02
It is less likely that you would guess which letter I'm thinking of than it was for a US lottery to draw 9-1-1 on Sept. 11. (It was "V".) By JonMichael Rasmus

New York City Death Cabs | 05.12.04
Or, "Why New York is nicer than you thou — OH CHRIST LOOK OUT FOR THAT TAXI." By James Norton

Not Getting a Tattoo | 09.21.07
Those who ink in haste, repent at leisure. By James Norton

Not Responding to E-mail | 02.08.05
A field guide to laziness, rudeness and apathy. With a dash of meanness. By James Norton

Nougat | 03.27.01
Nougat is chewy. Nougat is funny. EAT THE NOUGAT. TALK ABOUT THE NOUGAT. By James Norton

Obituaries | 06.04.01
They're not sexy or cool or hip or edgy or intellectual. Still, there's somethin' about 'em. By Eric Wittmershaus

Octodog | 09.17.03
It's a hard plastic dream, here to meet all your octopus-shaped pork product needs. By James Norton

O'Doul's | 06.19.00
Why drink beer when you can drink a non-alcoholic beer substitute? Featuring a predictable answer. By James Norton

Old Yeller Dog Food | 05.15.06
Finally, a dog food for lovers of dead dogs. By James Norton

Onions | 11.17.03
Laugh not at the noble onion. Within it lie the whispered secrets of perfection. By James Norton

Online Dating: The Stigma Persists | 08.21.08
Who needs online porn? The Internet can now bring you real, live people — just as desperate as you! By Eric Dinnocenzo

Other People's Books | 08.13.03
Why do we care so much about what what other people are reading? Is it because we're secretly afraid of being caught with the literary equivalent of an out-of-season trucker hat? By J. Daniel Janzen

P, Q

Palindromes | 01.23.01
Are these clever sentences actually secret messengers sent from parallel planes to invade our minds? By Julia Lipman

PA Musical Powerhorn | 04.05.00
THERE'S A GOOD REASON THAT MEGAPHONES ARE LOVED AROUND THE WORLD. By Dan Norton

Parking Garage Music | 04.14.06
Flak provides a salve for the existential dilemma of looking for parking. By James Norton

Parkman plaza statues | 04.05.00
The statue that got us high. By James Norton

People Who Throw Lit Cigarettes on the Ground | 08.13.04
Prometheus weeps. By J. Daniel Janzen

Pepsi Blue | 09.09.02
The cola wars go Technicolor as consumers gradually lose interest. By Bob Cook

Perfect Lawn | 04.15.05
The great American quest for the perfect patch of green. By Ingrid Taylar

Peters World Map | 01.07.05
It's free of any lingering subconscious colonial tendencies, but it's also shockingly weird. By Louis Cooke

Phones These Days | 03.04.03
These damned confounded machines are full of crazy new-fangled doohickies. By J. Daniel Janzen

Physique Shampoo | 04.04.01
Finally — drugstore-quality shampoo at salon prices! By Julia Lipman

Picking cigarettes up off the street | 07.25.02
The streets of New York are a budget-conscious smoker's dream — cigarette butts and even whole cigs just lying there on the sidewalk waiting to be smoked. Your challenge is to get them without anyone perceiving what you're doing. By Stephen Bracco

The Pimp Appeal | 08.18.04
A conservative Republican judge spins a tightly wound tale of hardscrabble hustlin'. By Bob Cook

Pineapple on hamburgers | 11.09.00
Ah — nothing beats the crispy taste of pineapple on a nice, juicy burger. By Sean Weitner

Pohutukawa Trees | 02.18.01
They're pleasing. By Katie Brockie

The Poison Response | 07.18.06
Why does self-protection have to come at such a steep price? By Colin Alexander

Polar Mitts | 08.14.02
Aliens? Oh yeah. They're out there. And they're selling these cool gloves! By James Norton

Pollock | 02.18.01
It puts the "fish" into fishsticks. It's also spelled: pollack. By Ben Welch

The Port-a-John | 06.20.01
Try not to tip it completely over. This can get people into trouble. By James Stegall

PowerGel | 08.20.02
Sometimes, when you're really busy, there just isn't time to chew. For those moments, there's PowerGel. By D.P. Barsam

Praying for a Dog Not to Be Struck by a Car | 03.17.04
It's the end of the Scotty as we know it. But we don't feel fine. By Dan Norton

Preparing for Emergencies | 9.10.04
A polite, limp guide to the apocalypse, brought to you by Her Majesty's government. By Louis Cooke

Prime Minister's Questions | 2.05.04
Government the way it used to be: live, unscripted and rumbustious. By Louis Cooke

Progress Quest | 12.17.02
With roleplaying games getting more and more boiled down, where does it end? How streamlined is too streamlined? By Dan Norton

Project Pilot | 11.14.06
One writer discovers that he's got the need. The need...for speed By Colin Alexander

The Prudent Preperation Pamphlet | 04.04.03
An annotated shopping list for the end of the world. By Andy Behrens

Quality Versus Quantity | 10.09.02
Sure, quality is good. But have you seen how much quantity there is out there? There's a yak-load of it. By Flak Staff

Reading Don Quixote | 05.27.05
Just in time for Memorial Day: A new translation of a classic book that packs a massive punch. By J. Daniel Janzen

Red light cameras | 05.21.03
Logic. Reason. Traffic enforcement. Welcome to the blessed new era of the automated cop! By Matthew Rand

Riding in a supermarket go-cart | 12.31.02
Struck by a car, a Flak correspondent finally lives his secret dream — and tastes its hidden, bitter fruit. By Dan Norton

Rock fan fiction | 11.12.00
In which Bono and the Edge finally come to terms with their feelings for each other. By John Gorenfeld

Rollerskating | 11.12.00
Why rollerskating's gotten a raw deal. By Julia Lipman

Safe Room, Making Your Office a Designated | 04.02.03
What to do when it's day five of the apocalypse and you're running out of Pria bars. By Liz Khalil

Saltines | 11.29.07
If you're searching for the most underappreciated kitchen superhero, look no further than the humble saltine. By James Norton

The Sao Paolo Airport | 05.30.05
Trans-national limbo, Brazilian style. By Eliza Barclay

Sea-Monkeys as Pets | 09.27.02
Raising glorified brine shrimp can return you to a simpler age of pet-owning. By Claire Zulkey

The See America Campaign | 02.02.05
The coarse marketing and vast oversimplification of a great divided nation. By Louis Cooke

See-saws | 01.22.00
The up-and-down world of see-saws. By James Norton

Bud Selig | 08.15.02
Scapegoat or anti-Christ, the man certainly keeps busy. By David Propson

Selling Your Stuff on Craigslist | 01.08.07
Peeling back the Craiglist onion, layer by layer. By Francis Raven

Sending back drinks | 03.02.00
Not enough vodka in that White Russian? Send it back. Really. By Aaron Tassano

Sento | 07.28.03
Japan's great social equalizer is powered by steam and water. By James Roth

Shandell, Blitz's Subway Ads | 11.20.02
Sometimes it's possible for lawyers to be a little too honest. By Clay Risen

Shaving with lather | 01.21.02
Real men use lather. By James Norton

Sherman Dodge sign | 11.18.02
The most deceptive sign in the United States. By James Norton

The BBC shipping forecast | 09.12.02
The soothing poetry of wind speeds and barometric readings. By Damon Leigh

Silverfish | 01.18.00
OH GOD! Get it away from me! Run for your very life! By James Norton

Sims, The | 03.23.01
What if a computer game could make marriage more meaningful? By Sean Weitner

Smart Spin Food Storage System, The | 08.23.05
The Smart Spin Food Storage System isn't just a modern convenience. It's a metaphor for all that is right in America. By James Norton

Smith, John (bad) | 12.03.99
A penetrating review of all people named John Smith. By James Norton

Smith, John (good) | 12.12.99
A John Smith who breaks the mold and sets new expectations for those with the name. By James Norton

Snow in April | 04.08.03
From Chicago to New York to the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, people are bewildered by tiny white monsters invading from an alien season. By Flak Staff

Solitaire | 09.26.01
Surely, you think, there must be a stupider game. By James Norton

Songs where they spell stuff | 06.10.00
Do we really need to R-E-S-P-E-C-T these things? By James Norton

Sony QRIO | 11.11.03
The little robot with a big, empty heart. By Frank Kocis

South African English | 09.11.03
It sounds different, but it's lekker. Check it out now now. By Cynthia Schweer

Statehood Quarters | 03.26.04
Call it in the air. By Andy Stilp

Suffering of children, The | 08.13.01
This reviewer sincerely enjoys it. By Dan Norton

T, U, V

Taking Naps | 10.10.07
You snooze, you lose? Think again. Name withheld by request

Tattoos and the Japanese Bathhouse | 04.01.05
Skin, ink, civil rights, and the Japanese Constitution. By James Roth

Terror Brands | 11.07.03
Marketing eye for the terrorist guy. By Patrick Quirk

Thanksgiving in Death Valley | 11.27.03
The bare essentials are more than enough. By J. Daniel Janzen

Thanksgiving with the girlfriend | 11.28.02
Why would you decide to take your girlfriend home for Thanksgiving? What possible rationalization could you have? By Jonathan Kaplan

That is all | 10.30.00
Speculation on America's favorite hip signoff. That is all. By Julia Lipman

This review | 10.18.01
This summary of a review of itself could be more direct and descriptive. By James Norton

Thumbprint, Leaving a Chocolate One in a Book of New Yorker Cartoons | 07.01.02
Don't feel guilty. Well, maybe feel a little guilty. You damaged the book! By James Norton

Thumb sucking | 05.28.03
What is a hand, what is a face, how is either to be operated with no experience? By J. Daniel Janzen

Tupperware | 01.12.00
It's plastic, it seals, and it defines America. By Sara Brenneis

Turbulence | 01.24.06
At 30,000 feet, logic and reason sit behind animal fear. By James Norton

Twizzlers Chocolate Twists and Twizted Summer Fusion | 07.11.06
Two new flavors of licorice may explain the upcoming collapse of American capitalism. By James Norton

Ultrasound | 01.08.02
Nothing will twist the mind of expecting parents more than the image created by the helpful ultrasound machine. By James Stegall

Unemployment | 06.03.03
What happens after you realize that — for the first time in years — you have nothing to do? By Claire Zulkey

Vanilla Coke | 06.03.02
It'll still dissolve your teeth, but new Vanilla Coke lacks the acidic wallop of its predecessor. By Ben Welch

Venus razor | 06.08.01
Goddess on a shower wall, shining with its crappy blades, summit of hairless calves, and Venus is its name. By Alissa Rowinsky

Versace ad campaign | 12.28.01
Donatella Versace's latest look isn't exactly geared to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Schmo. More like Mr. and Mrs. John Gotti. By Claire Zulkey

W, X, Y, Z

Review: Waffle House | 01.26.06
It's more than a waffle. It's more than a house. It's Waffle House. By Patrick Quirk

Wasp Killer | 05.23.03
O, Wasp, o, Hornet, o, Yellow Jacket, ye know not the vengeful statement of genocidal purpose of Wasp & Hornet Killer. By David Barringer

Watching a Storm | 09.15.05
On the poetry we find — and the poetry we want to find — in forces of nature. By James Norton

Water Park of America | 04.05.07
Beer. Water. Incredibly high velocities. Who could ask for anything more? By Taylor Carik

Wearing a Suit to Work | 01.03.03
The ins and outs of girding one's loins in modern sartorial splendor. By James Norton

Wedding Gifts | 06.13.07
The perplexing and sometimes overwhelming experience of getting free stuff. By James Norton

Whatchamicallit | 10.19.00
Who mourns for the Watchamicallit? You should. By Alon Ziv

Wheeled Backpacks | 12.03.04
Merrily we roll along ... into the twilight of humankind. By Matt Salo

Workin' It at the Gym | 3.28.06
Don't jus work out. Work it out. By Kristen Elde

Workin' It at the Gym: A Response | 05.08.06
Why sex and free weights don't mix. By Colin Alexander

Worst Book Ever | 11.16.00
It's amazing! It's awesome! It's a must-read! It's the worst book... ever. By James Norton

Yelling "I Would SO Fuck Her!" at a Stranger | 07.10.02
At a certain point, the whole ritual enters a realm that some would consider "bad taste." By James Norton

Your Speed | 04.27.05
An electronic speed-monitoring road sign unleashes a deeply primordial evil. By Aemilia Scott

Zelda: The Wind Waker | 04.03.03
Gadgets! Whistles! Bells! But there's a difference between making a game immersive and making it overwhelming. By Dan Norton

Disclaimer: All archive dates before 04.01.00 are estimated, not actual.