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Email a FriendMy husband wants me to help him help me. I want to be reasonable, I know he can’t read my mind. But I’m not sure what to tell him to do for me. Here’s the story. We had a baby last year who died shortly after birth. She was our sixth. For a few months after her birth, we avoided a new pregnancy so that I could lose some weight, and so that my cycles could normalize—things were a mess. Then, I learned a systematic NFP for the first time in our married life, to avoid for a few months, then to achieve a new pregnancy. We’ve been trying since July and so far—one early miscarriage and nothing else. It’s driving me mad to be actively trying. It’s driving me mad watching the fertility symptoms go by…or not go by. I can’t take actively trying anymore, yet I can’t take the thought of no more babies. I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what my general attitude should be from one minute to the next: trying, hoping, accepting, forgetting it, come what may, complete health overhaul….WHAT? My husband doesn’t know what to do with the blubbering, vascillating woman he’s faced with—it’s so unlike me. And I don’t know what to do with my life. Prayers and advice appreciated.
Time to Talk Couples
Posted by Danielle Bean in Marriage on Thursday, November 18, 2010 7:00 AM
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I’m so sorry for the loss of your children! You will definitely be in my prayers.
This might not work for you, but what dh and I did when we were done actively avoiding and not quite ready to actively try was just stop charting. I kind of kept track of mucus, and since I know my cycles, it was never really that confusing, but letting go of the charts made the whole time more peaceful. It really alleviated an unnecessary stress. (Not that NFP is always stressful! Usually it’s been great for us. This is was a specific circumstance.) It was so freeing and fun to be able to trust God’s plan with neither worry that we were being imprudent nor disappointment that we weren’t pregnant yet. Maybe taking a break from charting could relieve some tension for you, to. Or maybe not. In any case, you are in my prayers today.
I am so sorry for your loss. We are in a similar situation with 7 kids plus we’ve had many very early miscarriages. We are both finally at a point where we aren’t actively trying (although we were recently actively avoiding so I could get my gall bladder removed before becoming pregnant again). We are both finally at a point where we are ready to throw caution to the wind. My youngest 2 almost 3 and I am not pregnant, my oldest is 16. Life has become a little easier I admit, although we would all happily welcome a new addition. So, we decided to just stop charting and whatever happens happens. Now, if you still feel it in your heart that you really desire another child than this may not be the best advise. But if you don’t really know what you want right now but would be accepting of either having more or not having more, you might consider doing what we’ve done. Praying for you to have peace with whatever route you choose.
My condolences,
As for helping your husband help you-
Is there anything that he can do to make your day-to-day life easier? Any stress-reliever activity that you’ve not had the opportunity for?
In my case I’m an introvert who’s love language is touch, so when I’m upset I like my hubby to hold me and NOT talk (he’s very good at this). I also greatly appreciate it when he takes over the cooking as it’s not something I’ll think of when upset.
I don’t have any good advice, but want you to know I’ll keep you in my prayers. The grief of losing a child is so difficult. Take it easy on yourself. Maybe if you just focused on healing and enjoying the family you currently have, your body, mind, and soul may relax and be more ready for a new pregnancy.
My wife and I are having difficulty. She is going to visit her parents with the kids next week without me. She says that she is trying to clear her mind. I am trying to die to myself, but I am worried. I simply would like to fulfill my marriage vow to be the living face of God’s love in her life, but I worry that she doesn’t want that from me.
Please pray for us.
You are in my prayers. I sincerely hope that everything will turn out fine.
If it’s any consolation, I once became overwhelmed at home (due in no small part to a mouse infestation and an unusually busy time for my husband at work), and so I went with the baby to my mom’s for a week. I didn’t just up and leave—in fact DH took me. It was the respite we both needed. He was able to do his work and not come home to a stressed out wife, the exterminator solved the mouse problem, and I got a helping hand from my mom for a week.
May God richly bless your family!
I’ve seen books on couple communication recommended in here before. I can’t find any of those recommendations! Can anyone suggest good books in that regard? I specifically remember one that was described as discussing communication styles of men and women. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. My husband and I are trying to write a talk on communication…
Maybe go to Greg and Julie Alexander’s site online: http://www.marriagecommission.com.
They came out on EWTN- you can go there too and look in the audio library for their talks under “Marriage Works in Christ.” They are all about communication. Good Luck!
I thank whoever it was last week who suggested me and my husband could go to a bed and breakfast, etc. I really am going to take her up that. We need a break! I just love him so much and I can’t ever find a enough time…. What do you all do?
I know this is not the day for kids questions but I’m at the end of the rope here…...My 7 yr. old blatantly lies about even the silliest things…....I tried telling him it hurts Jesus, it upsets me etc etc but he just doesn’t seem to mind…...Any ideas/advice to get him to stop lying will be much appreciated.
Thanks.
This is still the age for that- but you’re doing the right thing in my opinion.
You just have to be consistent and I learned not to show any surprise or be too aghast when they do that to me/others and I find out about. I would just play it very cool, say how it “hurt jesus,” and throw in how it makes them look to others and how others would feel if they knew the truth. My affect remains flat and I really don’t give it too much play lest it reinforce their bad behavior. Positive/Negative reinforcement can have consequences sometimes, good/bad. I think it’s best to bring attention to what others might think of them for lying to make them more self aware and play it cool.
My 4 year old son had the same issue. He still lies a little, but not over everything. I found three things helpful. The first, when the child wants to do something that requires your trust (like riding their bike or playing with their friends), tell them no because you can’t trust them. Explain that you need to trust them to be safe and make good decisions. Second, be introspective about how healthy is your family. My son was scared that if he made a mistake we would not love him. This reaction was my fault. I had to change the way I showed love and disciplined my children. Finally, remember that kids are not perfect and their mistakes are not a reflection on you. Love them consistently and constantly.
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