I don’t see any reason why the words of affirmation couldn’t be written. I don’t think I’d send an email, though. Maybe find a nice, simple card with the appropriate message and then add your own words too. I’d say to start small like that and then work your way up to verbalizing your appreciation. Good luck and God Bless!

Dear Anon:  Copy, paste, and print what you just wrote and give it to him today!  This is beautifully written and perfect.  It seems to me that you have no problem offering a heartfelt compliment.  Good job!

My husband craves words of affirmation too!  I find it awkward to deliver them, and what’s more, I don’t really crave compliments at all—yet he slathers them all over me!  God’s a real jokester, right? I find notes helpful.  I make his lunch each morning, and I stick a post it note on his pop can or something, with just a few words like “You’re awesome!”  Or “thanks for working so hard”.  I also find it easier for some reason to loudly praise him TO someone else while he’s around.  “He’s a real whiz with technology!” or “He really keeps the kids laughing!”  I’ll say to my mom or sister or whoever’s around.  I still make an effort to squeeze out some personally directed, eye contact, compliments.  It’s hard though!

Can he talk while he is at work?  Perhaps it would be easier to start by telling him over the phone.  In the rush of the morning, my husband and I often do not have time to do more than a quick peck before he is out the door to work.  Often, I will call him later to say thank you for unloading the dishwasher while I showered or for feeding the baby while I got the other kids started with school work.  Sometimes, I just call to say I love you or I miss you (which usually means the kids are driving me crazy:)).
Kudos to you for recognizing your difficulties and proactively trying to do better.  That is what marriage is all about.

I send my husband emails of affirmation ALL the time.  Sometimes they are just quick notes, sometimes longer.  He appreciates that when I had some down time (uninterrupted time) that I thought of him first.  He loves it!  You’re letter is great by the way.  Copy and paste is a great idea.

I’ve found myself getting into trouble when I use too many words. Like instead of saying, “Thanks for helping out around here. I thought you’d be too busy.” Just say, “Thanks for helping. I really needed the help today.” Or instead of, “You’re such a good husband when you can finally take the time to sit and talk.” Just say, “You’re such a good husband. I’m lucky to have you.” If you decide to write something out, remember to read it carefully before you give it to him!

Start with written notes for him to find, then go from there.
Sneak out tonite and leave a note for him on the steering wheel of his car, telling him thank you for going to work, being a solid provider, etc.
Leave a note on his pillow, or on top of the coffee maker…places that he knows you’ve put them there thinking of him, just for him.

If you go to bed at the same time, as your heads are both hitting the pillow, just give his hand a squeeze and say, “Y’know, you are an amazing man.” 

If hearing the words is really important to him & you are having a hard time getting the words out, try rehearsing when he is not around.  Doesn’t matter if you feel awkward; it’s what *he* needs from you, and only you can meet that need for him!

I’m kind of in your boat too. I’ve been thinking about buying one of those t-shirts that say “My husband rocks.”

Beth, that is so funny…just 2 days ago, I opened a Word document on my dh’s computer and wrote, “DH, You ROCK!!!! I love you, et cetera”  (what, you think I’m going to blab *everything* here? )  I left it open on the computer & walked away & went about my day, totally forgetting about it.  He loved it.

The written word is great…I agree with all of the above posters.  As for the spoken word - which is also very important - take baby steps.  Start with ONE phrase, something like “Thank you for your help!!”  Aim to use that once a day.  Practice it with enthusiasm and a smile.  Once you have mastered saying it once a day, and delivering it well, then try for twice a day or pick a different phrase to work on.  “You make me so happy!’  Practice.  Repeat.

anon, my love language is words of affection, I think.  The things that mean the most to me are being verbally appreciated.  So when I clean the house and my husband notices and says “hey, it looks great!  Thank you for cleaning!”  I feel so happy and am eager to do more; but when he doesn’t notice, I feel grumpy and taken-for-granted, and I have no motivation to keep cleaning.  Maybe try to pick a few specific times a day to say something nice to him, like before he goes to work, tell him he looks good and you’ll miss him, and when he comes home, say “you look tired, was it a rough day?  Sit down and relax.”  I keep telling my husband that the one thing I would really love to hear is “the house looks great!” every night when he comes home from work.

I think I’d tell him that your daughter mentioned that he’s angry a lot, but not that she called him mean. He probably will get angry about this—especially since he’s under a lot of stress—but it’s something he needs to hear. Will it soften the blow a bit if you preface by saying something like, “I need to tell you something that might make you angry, but I think it’s important for you to hear it.” Then tell him what your daughter said, and then tell him what you want him to do with this information. Does he need help from you to know when to take a time-out for himself? Does he need more/less 1:1 time with your daughter? Do you and he need to discuss parenting expectations? (I add the last because my husband and I have slightly different styles of parenting, and when one or the other of us is with the kids for more time than the other, it can be hard for the other to adjust.)

As hard as it would be, I would tell him.
I was that little girl.  I loved it when my dad worked late and over weekends, because it meant he wouldn’t be home to be mean to me and everyone else.  As an adult, I understand the situation he was in and that he had a stressful job, etc, but children don’t understand that.  His behavior at home permanently affected our relationship. 
Now that he’s older, wiser, and less stressed, he lavishes me with loving and complimentary words - but I needed to hear those things as a young girl too, and when he calls I always get a sick feeling in my stomach like I’m in trouble.  Here I am a married woman, the mother of several of my own children, and that is my automatic reaction (even though that’s never what it is anymore!).
The way fathers treat their daughters has long lasting implications.  I think you should mention it in a kind way, and that he should be nice.  His role in her life is crucial.

NOOOOO!!!!  I would NOT drag you daughter into this!!  It is NOT her job to address your husband’s imperfections & I would not (even with the best of intentions) put her in this role.  In other words, don’t make your daughter the “living conscience” for your husband—it will just be harder for him to warm up to her as a person.  Instead, put yourself in the hot seat and address the “meanie” issue with him (not with that word, but including that concept) & go it from *your* observations (keeping your daughter out of it).  My favorite basic principle regarding anger is this: you may be angry, but you keep your expressions of anger *polite* in the house (no names, yelling, etc.)  Basically if you wouldn’t do it at work, you don’t do it in front of the kids.  Period.  Then I would give him some hints of positive/fun stuff to do with your daughter (no need to say why) such as ice skating together, build a snowman, make a gingerbreadhouse, etc.  Something to help them both re-bond.  Also it sounds like your husband may need a little help making space and winding down for an activity like that,  Can you make his fav meal, pour him a glass of wine, or help him get ahead on some chores so he can more easily relax with your daughter?  In whatever you decide, remember this: the end-goal is a healed relationship between your husband and daughter.  Before you do or say anything, ask yourself if it will create warmer or cooler feelings in either of them for the other.  Then work behind the scenes to make “warm” happen.

Oh, another thing that may work well is if you set your daughter up for compliments (as in, “Wow, Fred, didn’t Lynda do a great job putting that puzzle together?!”)  Of course, you say this in front of your daughter & let her hear Dad agree.  Eventually he may even start initiating his own kind remarks, but either way this lets your daughter feelhe;s noticing the things you think he “ought to” notice.  Just make sure you’re pretty confident your husband will agree with the positive observation!

On the other side of the coin, if your daughter and husband do anything even close to” fun” together you can say things like, “Oh Lynda, you look so happy after being out in the yard with Dad!” or “You and Dad make a great team decorating the Christmas tree together!”  Or whatever.  (On a personal note, I send my husband to the grocery store with our daughter & then compliment their team-work.  He now saves all shopping stops until he can take her with him because they are “a team”!)

Can you have him read the book “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker?  That one helped my husband see himself from the eyes of a little girl.  If he drives a lot, can you buy it as an audio book for car listening?  Christmas present?

I personally think this husband needs to be held accountable and needs some insight into how his behavior is affecting his relationship with his daughter (I was that daughter, too).  I would approach it gently at first, but if that doesn’t work, he might need the stark truth in order to be motivated to repair the damage he has done.

It is hard to know with what you share how open your husband would be to feedback.  Your daughter is at an age where she can express her feelings and tell the truth. sooner or later she will no longer do that if your husband continues down this path.  I know I would want to hear it and my husband would want to hear.  Part of an authentic conversion is self awareness.  I grew up with a mom whose anger was out of control daily and it was frightening.  I spent my early 20’s in therapy learning how to live in normal, healthy relationships.  One of my sister’s on the other hand married someone who was as angry as my mother because she knew no other way.  I wouldn’t wait at the door for him with this news—welcome him and love him home and find the time to talk with him in peace.

Is it possible that your 4 year old is being like mine:  limited adjectives in her vocabulary, plus a general inclination to want to have her own way & disliking firm limits?

I’ve felt myself nodding in agreement with the replies to the OP, but then I stopped & thought about the little girl I just tucked in bed…the one who is pushing *every*single*button* both of us have, all day long!
“Mean” could very well be what everyone is interpreting it to mean, or, could it be, “I like having Mommy all to myself.  Daddy holds me accountable and can be abrupt.  I like it when she is soft and tender with me.”

Sometimes I think that my dh can be too severe (e.g., no “warnings” or counting to 3 before xyz happens), especially when his method might coincide with my daughter’s thermonuclear meltdown at dinnertime, the meltdown that I’ve been trying to placate & avoid…but then I think, “There’s a reason kids get a mommy AND a daddy.”  Kids need balance, parents need backup.

The fact that you gave yourself the name “Married to a Meanie” might indicate that you have some deeper concerns that have been brewing (or not, I’m just guessing), but that may or may not be the green light to use your daughter’s comment as a catalyst.

“She’s right. He is mean a lot. Stress makes it worse, and he’s under a lot of it at work and home besides.”

I think when mom calls it mean it is mean not just age appropriate discipline.  I know my dad was in a tough position growing up because if he tried to protect us from the emotional and verbal abuse my mom would say he was taking sides.  As an adult I see that my mom probably did the best she could having too many kids too closely spaced and not having the emotional resources to deal with it.  She was given more than she could handle given her own abilities and an untreated post partum mental illness.  But it does not take away the great difficult me and my siblings had it figuring out how normal, healthy relationships exist.  I can’t say how strongly I feel that parents in these situations need to protect their kids and lay clear boundaries for their spouses.

Thanks for all of the helpful comments. Happily, my daughter was very excited to see daddy come home last night, despite what she said earlier in the day.

When from time-to-time, the kids balk at being disciplined correctly and fairly (not meanly) by their dad, I back him up 100 percent. When however, he is mean in tone, actions, and is just unreasonable in his expectations for small children, I intervene.

Unfortunately, there’s just not a lot of time for him to relax and be with us right now. He’s working mostly out of town, and when he’s home, he still often works late at our dining room table. His mother is dying and lives about 200 miles from here, so he’s been gone even more visiting her.

He apparently learned a lot of his “mean” behavior from his parents. (No surprise there I guess.) I just don’t want our children to have to grow up with a damaged relationship with him, memories of him constantly yelling at them, and then have them behave the same way to their children some day, too.

He’d hate for that to happen, too, but despite how much he says he doesn’t want to be that way, he can’t seem to change. We’re hopeful that a job change may eventually reduce his stress level. I think that would help considerably.

That’s great, OP - I’ll keep your family in prayer as I go about my day today.  A dying parent, stressful job, travel…dh has the powder keg trifecta!  I’ll pray that you all can be patient with each other this Christmas season - keep the obligations to a bare minimum, perhaps?

Beth, I agree 100% with what you said, combined with what you have shared in the past about an angry/overwhelmed parent.  In fact, I should tell you that many of your comments on the topic have pricked my own conscience & made me re-think some of my interactions with my kids. Thank you. The Holy Spirit is at work, and you are one of His channels.

I offered my 2 cents above w/the caveat “is it possible?” and “just guessing”  because, as I said, I was fresh from my 4 year old daughter & thinking about her perceptions, vocabulary & calling behavior “mean” that really isn’t.  (E.g., “Mommy, Daddy was mean!  He wouldn’t let me play on his computer!”) Sounds like the OP is leaning closer to the majority interpretation, though!

I just want to point out that I come from a small family (I only have one sibling), and both my parents were angry, overwhelmed and my father bordered on being verbally abusive with us.  Certainly more kids would have made the situation worse, because there would have been additional stressors.  But I want to point out that some people are in need of anger management, coping skills, and parenting skills in order to be effective parents even when they don’t have a lot on their plates.

Good luck with the adoption!!  And I don’t have a clue who is not being their “true self” here… but, regardless, it never hurts to be reminded that people-pleasing gets people no where.  My guess, though: you, me, and everyone else here is working mighty hard to be their own best selves & to please God, not man.   We just all express ourselves differently along the way…

Lynn, you really need to re-post this at today’s forum (there’s a fresh one posted each week).  I must still be subscribed to last week’s & your question popped up in my email; otherwise, I wouldn’t have seen it.
Post for the Love & Marriage of 12/22 and I think you’ll get some good responses.

Mine for you is prayers, plus doing some really intensive work around what someone with ADHD needs to function effectively in the home. Any chance you can work w/him and a therapist specializing in ADHD in adult males?  I really think that’s the foundational issue.

Lynn, it sounds like he wants a wife and a husband out of you.  If a man posted this, I would tell him the same thing I’m going to tell you: all the money you make should go into your personal account; you should have a joint account into which you put money for groceries, gasoline and incidentals; do your own laundry and keep your own bathroom and bedroom up to the cleanliness standards you desire; and absolutely do not under any circumstances do any other cleaning or cooking for them.  I don’t think you should be mean about it at all, but you can’t let them treat you like their personal slave.  As for groceries, I wouldn’t do that either for a time, and I would eat out every meal for several weeks until they changed their ways.  I would sit them all down - or at least your husband - and explain that the situation is intolerable, and that you are no longer going to be the sole breadwinner and maid and cook.  Unless they have physical handicaps that prevent them all contributing to the running of the home, they need to pitch in.