“Domestic Tranquility” by F Carolyn Graglia. An intellectual approach to the value of a mother in the home. Very good argument for mother in the home. Written by an attorney turned SAHM

“Home Alone America” by Mary Eberstadt is great.  She shares some very powerful info on the effects of parent substitutes.  My mom always recommended “What’s a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?” to women considering leaving the workforce to be with their kids.  Good luck!

There are probably lots of articles on Dr. Laura’s website, too.

Ditto to ‘Domestic Tranquillity’. Excellent!

When I was wrestling with this issue, I found Berry Brazelton’s books helpful, not because they urged mothers to stay home full-time (quite the contrary), but because they presented the data in favor of mothers staying home, at least with regard to infants and toddlers.  It was clear that Brazelton knew it was best for the children if mothers were home, but wrestled with the ideology of women in the workplace, including his own daughters.

agree with dr.  lara book. it has a lot of resources for sahm’s at the end.

A couple of things: First, according to the catechism, regular confession is a good thing to do and brings you closer to God, but the only time confession is required is in the case of a mortal sin. Maybe that’s why your husband isn’t overly concerned about it. However, it seems like confession is a part of your spiritual practices that you find valuable and important. Just tell him about your positive experiences with confession. Maybe that will be enough to plant the seed in his heart about going. If you outright tell him you think he may need to go to confession, though, he might think you’re accusing him of sinning.

It isn’t ‘nice’ to go once a year it is required by the Church to confess at least once a year during the Easter season as one of the six precepts of the Church.

You know, this could have been me a few years ago.  I just was not in the habit of frequent confession, my husband was.  He went at least least monthly, me, well, it could have been years between times.  I also felt, well, I have no mortal sins…..  But if he brought it up I got defensive.  Honestly, the best thing was that he went often, and I knew he was going, which got me to go.  I’m still not up to monthly, but at least 3-4 x year - monthly is ideal, though.  I would suggest you just keep going, and pray for him.  Also, why not suggest going together with the kids and take turns with the kids in line - one watches the kids in line while the other goes, then take the kids while the second spouse goes.  That way there’s no excuse.

I agree with elise~actions are so much louder than words. Keep going to confession and praying for your dh!

Karen,
The Six Precepts of the Church are Church laws, so the Church may change them as she sees fit. The Catechism in paragraph 1457 states that one must confess SERIOUS sins once per year. This means that under the current Church law, one is only bound to yearly confession if one commits serious sins.

Keep going - and let the state of grace in which you return to your husband simply radiate and overflow onto him with love. 

Maybe this is a factor, too:  written examinations of consciences - whenever I come across one that is worded particularly well, or sheds new light on the sacrament for me, I print it out or buy the pamphlet and keep it in my little basket o’reading materials.  Could it be that a fresh look at a really thought provoking examination of conscience could spur some thinking & action on his part?  Also, there are CDs available with very effective and moving talks/discussions on the topic.

I think my advice would apply equally whether the wife is the frequent recipient of the sacrament and husband, well, not so often…. or vice versa. It has ebbed and flowed in our household and over the last few years I have become the frequent one. Don’t press, don’t nag. You control only your own decisions and can but witness by your own actions. What we’ve found is that as each child (we have 8 ranging from 7 mos to 19 yrs) passes through that year of first reconciliation, we both tend to get on a similar path. In a few months, one of us will likely back away a bit but we both know the sacrament is important and that it is on each other’s radar. And we’ve learned to accept that knowing quite well that any given year, the role’s might well be reversed…. so.. helps to know you’ve got another one coming into that age range on a recurring basis!!

I agree with StephC.  The purpose of a sponsor/godparent is not to honor a relative or friend but to provide a support to the parents in bringing up the child in the Catholic faith and to ensure that the child is brought up in the faith in the event both of the child’s parents should die.  If a person is not a practicing Catholic I don’t see how they could take over this responsibility should the parents die.  In this vein, we have not asked certain members of our extended family to be godparents but have asked devout Catholic friends instead.  I feel completely confident that if I and my husband were to die that they would do just as good a job in teaching my kids their faith and ensuring they receive the Sacraments.

Sorry my comment was meant to go below.

Sorry I’m a day late, just getting around to reading the blog. But I wanted to let you know I have been in your shoes. My husband is a convert and confession wasn’t taught well in his RCIA classes so he had been Catholic for 7 years (we had known each other for 6 of those) and had never gone to confession. He knew it was something he should do he just wasn’t sure if he ‘felt’ the need to go. Occasionally I would bring it up, but I found that it wasn’t getting anywhere and I was always getting the same answer “i know i should go but honestly I don’t have much I’m sorry for’. I dropped it, turned to prayer, occasionally dropped a book some literature his why. But I continued to go frequently (about every month) and it got to a point that he would start to notice a tangible change in me after and would comment about about it. I would use the open door to talk about it. Long story short eventually he came to wanting to go, called our parish priest and made an appointment on his own. God will do great things though your prayers and witness to the Sacrament, but your husband has to have the desire to go. It will come, stay faithful and keep praying! God bless you and Merry Christmas!

No advice or words of wisdom…but I just lifted you up to our Heavenly Father…take comfort in knowing that He knows your heart.

One thought.  Both my dh and I have some separate Godchildren (and some together).  His brother asked him to be the Godfather to one of his children, and they asked his wife’s sister to be the Godmother.  Same type of thing for me.  So, maybe choosing the brother (if you feel you should) and choosing a Godmother who is more serious about her faith might be an option?  I don’t think you need to pick the brother, just throwing this out as an option.  We just had our 8th and are trying to choose Godparents as well, thankfully my dh and I are on the same page.  We want someone serious about their faith, and very unfortunately that sometimes leaves relatives out.  For us we have my sister who was never asked, and although we’d feel very comfortable asking her, we are seriously considering asking our oldest dd.

Someone will chime in if I’m off base, I hope, but in our archdioce an unconfirmed, non-practicing Catholic would not receive the letter of eligibility required of a sponsor/godparent.

Yes, I agree with StephC - I believe confirmation (actually, all the Sacraments of Initiation) are required by canon law for one to be a godparent (could be wrong, but am pretty sure). Most dioceses and parishes require a signed letter from the pastor of a godparent’s parish that the prospective godparent is a Catholic in good standing.

Speaking from personal experience…. Since I was only 10 when my first niece was born, I wasn’t able to be the godmother.  As soon as I was confirmed, though, I was eligible, and I definitely remember having to sign something myself and have my pastor sign a paper stating that I was a member of the Catholic Church and attended the sacraments regularly.

For our recent baptism, we had a Catholic godfather and a Lutheran godmother.  Our priest told us that both godparents had to be baptized Christians, but only one had to be Catholic and provide a letter of good standing from their pastor.  The Lutheran godmother didn’t have to “prove” anything to the parish (even that she was baptized) and I think is technically listed on the baptismal certificate as a Christian witness.

So it is my understanding that at least one godparent must be a confirmed, practicing Catholic, but the other can be a “Christian witness”—a non-Catholic Christian.  If your brother-in-law can’t be considered any kind of Christian, though, I guess that wouldn’t count.  Try explaining the situation to your priest, and he can confirm for you that the godparent must be either a devout non-Catholic Christian or a confirmed, practicing Catholic.  Then you can go to the family and say “I asked Father about ___ being godfather, but he said he wasn’t allowed to because he wasn’t confirmed.”  Then they can “blame” it on the priest instead of you.  prayer for your family and congratulations on the baby!

Hi Mommy10
I am in a similar situation as you - I have two little boys one year apart and for my first son we wanted to choose my brother to be a godfather. He is a baptized catholic but never steps foot in or even near a church and claims that he doesn’t believe in all those “mother goose tales” as he calls the bible. My husband and I had a discussion about it and our end result was that this is the way my brother is and believes right now. Who am I to say he will not be a better Catholic than I am in 10 years? And who am I to take away the great gift and honour of being my son’s godfather because of the way he is now? So we decided to take the chance and ask him. The same thing happened with my newest baby..we asked my husband’s brother who is in the same state (baptized catholic, self proclaimed atheist etc) to be his godfather because who knows what God has in the future for him? I didnt want to make decisions based on who the person was at that moment, because God doesnt make decisions about us based on who we are at any given moment. He judges the heart and I can’t see the true heart of either of my son’s godfathers, or the future God has in store for them.

I wish there was a “like” button for Maria’s response to this.  Very insightful!!!

The following is from the Code of Canon Law, and I found it by doing a quick search for “godparent” on the Ask an Apologist forum at Catholic Answers (http://www.catholic.com)

“One sponsor, male or female, is sufficient; but there may be two, one of each sex (canon 873).

§1 To be admitted to undertake the office of sponsor, a person must:

1° be appointed by the candidate for baptism, or by the parents or whoever stands in their place, or failing these, by the parish priest or the minister; to be appointed the person must be suitable for this role and have the intention of fulfilling it;

2° be not less than sixteen years of age, unless a different age has been stipulated by the diocesan bishop, or unless the parish priest or the minister considers that there is a just reason for an exception to be made;

3° be a Catholic who has been confirmed and has received the blessed Eucharist, and who lives a life of faith which befits the role to be undertaken;

4° not labor under a canonical penalty, whether imposed or declared;

5° not be either the father or the mother of the person to be baptised.

§2 A baptized person who belongs to a non-Catholic ecclesial community may be admitted only in company with a Catholic sponsor, and then simply as a witness to the baptism (canon 874). “

I guess I would wonder how someone who is an atheist can conform to point 3 - “living a life of faith,”  or even point 1 - being “suitable for the role” and having the “intention of fulfilling it.”  Baptism is about the one being baptized, not the godparent witnessing, and, the indelible mark that is imprinted on that child’s soul.  Godparents do the following:

“...In the case of an infant baptism, the role is together with the parents to present the child for baptism, and to help it to live a Christian life befitting the baptized and faithfully to fulfill the duties inherent in baptism (canon 872).”

What Maria said sounds lovely indeed, but still seems more godparent-focused than baptizee-focused.  At a baptism, the entire universal Church rejoices and welcomes a new brother or sister!  Atheists and agnostics can be lovely and delightful people, but how are they going to help my child reach heaven?  How will they pray for my child?  Satan and his evil spirits really *are* prowling about the world, seeking someone to devour - can an atheist godparent help give my child the spiritual armor they need, and show my child by his/her faith example & frequent reception of the sacraments? 

“The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that’s the way to bet.” - Damon Runyun

Very insightful, StephC!  Good distinction to make between being “godparent-focused” vs “child-focused.”  As I understand it, part of the godparent’s role is to assist the parent in raising the child in the Faith—particularly if the parent does not (or becomes unable) to do so. 

When each of my kids has been born, I reflect thusly: who do I trust to help me in raising my child in the Faith and, if I were to become unable to pass on the Faith (death??), to take the reigns and actively take over the orthodox education of my child in the Catholic Faith?  I am not interested in choosing someone who might maybe fit that role eventually or with a little more encouragement.  The education of my children in the Faith is far too important to choose based on hope or aspiration for someone’s deepening in Faith or conversion!  With the best information I have at-hand, I pick the best two people I can find.  As such, I have chosen the SAME godmother and godfather each time the occasion has arisen… because I still don’t know of any two people I would more readily trust the education in Faith of my children to.  If other family members or friends are offended, let them be stirred to greater holiness as they try to EARN the privilege of being my child’s godparent!!

(As an aside, would you *marry* someone to encourage them or avoid hurting their feelings?  Of course not.  So why choose a godparent by that same logic, either?)

I agree with StephC.  The purpose of a sponsor/godparent is not to honor a relative or friend but to provide a support to the parents in bringing up the child in the Catholic faith and to ensure that the child is brought up in the faith in the event both of the child’s parents should die.  If a person is not a practicing Catholic I don’t see how they could take over this responsibility should the parents die.  In this vein, we have not asked certain members of our extended family to be godparents but have asked devout Catholic friends instead.  I feel completely confident that if I and my husband were to die that they would do just as good a job in teaching my kids their faith and ensuring they receive the Sacraments.

The godparent issue!  We’ve been there.  DH’s brother was supposed to be the godfather and his wife the godmother for one of our kids.  They needed a letter but were unable to produce one as they didn’t meet the minimum requirements.  It caused a huge hassle within the family and BIL kept arguing how it was “stupid” and “a cult” with DH.  I wish we had never even asked them!  The entire faith went on trial, not just the priest or us.  :(  When my sister had her twins, DH was asked to be godfather so I went to get the letter from the rectory, only to learn later that her parish didn’t require it.  They just take your word that you are a practicing Catholic!  The secretary at her church said it just got to be too much paperwork.  I was shocked.  We’ve done the “one godparent” thing too - one Catholic godfather and Baptist godmother (aka Christian witness).  Now the Christian witness has started attending RCIA and will be converting soon!