Does he want to lose weight and quit smoking, or is he happy with how he looks and feels?  In order for him to truly change, I think he has to really want to do it.  Although it may seem easy to you, clearly it’s not that easy to him.  If he does really want to change, what he needs is your support and understanding.  It kind of sounds like he’s on the defensive.  I’d try sitting down with him, sometime when you have some time to talk without distractions, and offer your help in a nonconfrontational way.  Help him identify the obstacles and find ways to work around them.  Maybe you can make healthier pizza at home so he’s less tempted to grab it when he’s out.  Go for walks as a family after dinner so he gets some exercise.  Things like that.  If he’s not ready to make a change, just let him know that you’re there to support him when he is ready.

Hi there!
I just wanted to offer a few tips from someone who’s been on the other side of the conversation.  I had kept on 20 lbs after our third baby and my hubby is a very athletic, fit person.  Even though he tried to be nice about it, every time he’d offer to take care of the kids so I could go to the gym, I just felt like he was saying that I was ugly and fat.  I felt that I really wanted him to let me know that he loved me the way I was, even if it was 20 lbs more than when we married!  I felt REALLY frustrated at myself for gaining so much weight and felt terrible about my looks in general.  It wasn’t his fault that I gained the weight, but I needed his unconditional love to show to get up the courage to face a gym where I felt weak and out of place. 
I really don’t know the particulars of your situation or of the emotional side to why your dh has let himself go, but I know that when I let myself go, it was partly due to feeling adrift in my life, and really not seeing any point to why I should worry about what I looked like when no one seemed to care about how I was feeling inside.  Of course, this was only my personal experience. 
I did finally get the weight off, and have had another baby in the past year, and took the weight off in the first 6 weeks post-birth.  I know this was partly because I felt that my dh was letting me know that he was proud of my work as a mother and wife, and I wanted to get fit to be the best I can be.  (Of course, a work in progress!)
Blessings to you and your family!
MNS

I do think that you’re allowed to tell him those things, in a loving way.  My father-in-law had quadruple bypass surgery a few years ago at the age of fifty.  Before then I really never commented on my husband’s weight gain, but since then I’ve taken a more attactive approach. 
I’ve told him straight out that I want him to be around for a long time for both myself and our children.  I don’t want him to have diabetes and a quadruple bypass at the age of fifty, but that was the road he was heading down if he didn’t make changes.  He now runs with a friend several mornings a week, I may have pushed him into it a little, but he does enjoy it now and we’re also workin on diet and portion control.  I try not to buy junk food, or make lots of baked goods to keep in our house, and I also try and stay on top of meal planning, because then we are less likely to go out to eat or order something in.  We still enjoy all of those things as an occasional treat, but they are not apart of our day to day life.  I think if you love your husband, and you really want him to lose the weight and quit smoking for the benefit of himself and your family then you have every right to tell him those things, and to help make changes for your family!

“I know its not that hard to give up junky foods and get a little more active.  He acts like it is an impossible mountain to climb, and gets angry at me for saying it’s not that hard.”

It IS that hard for some of us.  Speaking from the perspective of one who has struggled with her weight her entire life, trust me when I say, IT IS HARD! 

I am not saying you shouldn’t urge him to take care of himself.  I AM saying please be aware that acting like it’s no big deal and saying it’s not hard…well, that’s not going to motivate him or help him in any way.  My husband says similar things to me and, frankly, all it does is make me feel like there’s something wrong with me since it’s supposedly super easy to lose weight.  (Not to mention the fact that he comes from a family of super active people with high metabolisms that seem to be able to eat whatever they want and never gain weight).

I don’t know your husband’s temperament or how he was raised but I can tell you a bit of my story to maybe give you a little more perspective.  From the time I was a child, I have always been the “husky” one in the family.  My sibs were always active and thin.  I wasn’t interested in sports but my non-sports interests were not as encouraged as everyone else’s sports-related interests.  My mom was always trying to control what I ate and now that I’m an adult, I know she just wanted me to be healthy.  But as a kid, especially one with a melancholic temperament who was (and is) super sensitive and already hard on myself by nature, this was not helpful to me.  As a result, I have a hard time not beating myself up when I end up overeating or consuming too many sweets after just resolving to do better.  It’s SO hard.  Please know I’m not blaming my mom for my choices.  I love my mom.  She’s awesome!  But there is some underlying issue that makes it more difficult for me to say “no” to those junky foods than for your average person.  Not to mention, two of my siblings who put on weight over the years have recently lost it all while my many attempts over the course of my entire life continue to fail.  Cue beating myself up again because I still don’t have the will to do what it takes to lose weight. 

The worst part about all of it is the realization that what I need is something no one can give me:  will power.  It’s embarrassing, humiliating to know that I am my own worst enemy in this area.  I’m just putting this out there because perhaps this is similar to what your husband feels inside.  I don’t know.  Just realize that when people have difficulty with these types of things, there may be an underlying spiritual/psychological issue that needs healing before the physical situation gets resolved. 

I have only recently come to this realization in my own weight loss journey.  I have about 25 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight (just had baby #2, four and half months ago) and really, I could stand to lose another 25-30 pounds beyond that in order to be the healthiest I can be.  What I realized for myself is that it can’t be about vanity.  It has to be about health, wanting to be there for my family, wanting to glorify God by treating my body with respect.  I also need God to heal this underlying, non-physical issue which I think will help me to keep the right perspective in this journey. 

Another thing that might be stopping him is thinking about ALL the weight he has to lose.  If I think about the fact that I have about 50-60 pounds to lose if I want to be my healthiest, you can bet I freeze up and quit before I even start. It’s overwhelming, daunting, and seemingly impossible.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, be patient.  Be encouraging.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping him be healthier.  It IS important and you want him to be there when you’re old and gray, right?  Just be encouraging, and if you’re responsible for meal-planning do your best to make it as healthy as possible.  Don’t buy the junk…for ANYONE in the house.  Do everything in your power to give him the tools for success, then accept that what he does with those tools is out of your hands.  And keep in mind the power of prayer.  Pray that God gives your husband whatever he needs in order to be successful.

Good luck.  I will say a prayer for you and your husband…in fact, the next time I am tempted to eat something that isn’t good for me I will offer up the NOT eating it for him and for you.  God bless!

MEG, I had been mulling over that same sentence from the original poster, trying to find a charitable way to point out what you did in a heartfelt way.

To the op, Lost My Way:  May I suggest this - something I have done, with dramatic results?  Rewind your mental “tape” back to the beginning, when you fell in love with the man your husband *still is.*  Set aside some time by yourself, with pen and paper, and make a list of everything, big & little, for which you are grateful to your husband. Keep adding to it, and re-read it often, so that whenever you think of him when he’s away or speak to him in your presence, you are doing so with utmost respect, profound gratitude, and the deepest love and mercy, reflecting that of Jesus Christ, the Bridegroom.

Good, righteous men can smoke, have food issues, and be careless in their appearance.
They are human beings, struggling with temptations and vices.  How can we inspire them in virtue? By remembering the sacramental grace of our bonds of Holy Matrimony - one of the seven sacraments - that can be tapped into, increased and strengthened! 

With your solid, unwavering love and support, he *will* come around, because he will see the amazing, generous and loving wife he wants to please.

I know some of us here in the F&FL; comboxes did a daily “Gratitude for my Husband” journal for Lent last spring.  Since Advent is sometimes referred to as a “little Lent” because of the pre-Christmas season of preparation we go through as a Church, why not try doing this exercise for Advent?

God bless you both!

I am a little hesitant to post a reply to those who replied to my original post, because I did such a poor job explaining my issue in the first place, but here goes…

My big question is whether or not it’s legitimate for a Christian wife to try to persuade her husband to lose weight or give up smoking, or is it really sticking one’s nose where it doesn’t belong and infringing on one’s right to determine for oneself where one’s priorities and personal comforts lie.  See, I come from (and live in the same town as) a family where that sort of thing is just strictly off-limits.  It is not only considered gauche and uncharitable, but also fundamentally at odds with a sort of indivudualist ethic that I am only beginning to question after living 20 years with my husband whose Middle Eastern family views things in almost the exact opposite way.

When I made the statement that it isn’t that hard to just give up junky food and get a little more active, I realize it came across as naive at best and heartless at worst.  And to be honest, that is how my husband takes it.  So, maybe I just need to see that.  But I have had seven babies and lost hundreds of lbs cumulatively over the years, had to restrict my diet in all kinds of not-so-fun ways during and after pregnancy (including now, my eighth pregnancy, where most healthy food looks gross to me but I force it down cause I have too).  And I was a chain smoker for eight years and quit.  I remember, during my 6th pregnancy, realizing that I might feel better if I got up off my rear once in awhile.  It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done.  If I’d have had someone baby me and tell me it is so hard to do these things I might not have done them.  What helped me was to read stuff from the folks who had been successful, who said, you know, all that ice cream and stuff isn’t really all that.  And I bought it.  I still buy it because it changed my life.  So, maybe I’m the worst sort of crusading ex-smoker type in a way.  Not outwardly, but deep down, mentally.  And maybe that really stinks, but I really gravitate towards those types because they’ve gotten through to me.

My husband and I buy all the food together every week, but I almost always make the whole menu.  We rarely buy any junky foods, except for a holiday or party.  What happens, though, is that he is perpetually finding opportunities bring junk food somewhere into the picture.  If we’re really busy and can’t cook, he’ll get pizza.  Tons of it.  The kids and I might eat one or two pieces, but he’ll eat seven or eight.  Or a whole pizza.  I am not kidding.  He stuffs himself until he is sick whenever junk food is around.  My kids are even sick of all the junk, and some of them won’t even it eat anymore if there is any alternative.  He even overeats on healthy food unless it is something he really dislikes.  It’s like he’s going way out of his way to gain weight.  And he feels a little ill about the whole thing himself.  He hates the way he looks, and he (and I) hate the fat jokes he gets, mostly from his extremely critical, appearance conscious family, but also from friends who just see him as easygoing and fun to tease - the fun fat guy.  So, my secondary question was really about how I am no longer ok with this situation, feeling it has crossed a line somewhere, and how to deal with my own sudden intolerance of what now seems to me less like ordinary negligence and more like flagrant and willful disregard for one’s own well-being.  I do feel like a jerk, and I have at times acted like a jerk, but I do love him like crazy, and I do try hard to always let him know that.  But I no longer think it’s cute for to eat a whole pizza by himself like he used to when we were in college.  At this age I think its immature and just gross.  Do I keep trying to get through to him, or just try to go back to how I was - totally hands off and tolerant?  It seems like most here have indicated that some loving middle ground is possible, but finding one that is neither offensive, nor pushy seems to me very difficult.  I very much don’t want him to think I don’t find him attractive anymore, so I am extra careful to reassure him on that score.

  My gut instinct is always that this is all really just none of my business, and I always find myself saying that to him, and apologizing all over myself.  But then he’s all like, yes, it is your business, but it’s so hard…and I’m like, how can you possibly know how hard it is until you’ve given it a try?  That’s pretty lame.  He survived law school and the bar, so I’m pretty sure he could survive eating two pieces of pizza instead of eight.  But, ok, I guess there is some sort of compulsion at work here, or he wouldn’t do such self-damaging acts so insistently and so regularly.

MEG, your response kind of awakened something in my mind.  His family is very obsessed with appearance, clothes, sports, etc.  And he is a very handsome guy.  But, he was always the chunky kid.  He was the baby and his mom spoiled him on every kind of junky treat.  So, they always gave him a hard time about it, but now they are just outright demeaning.  I feel so bad for him because now its not just that he’s chunky and they’re perfectionists.  Now the insults hit home a lot more because at 40, he can’t get away witn as much as he did previously.  I honestly just don’t see why he must do this to himself.  But, ok, there must be some deep psychological reason.  Maybe just that that’s how his mom (and maybe even I?) showed him love in the past.  It’s kind of sad.  I have always felt most loved when fed nourishing, wholesome foods.  Maybe that’s why I can tap into the KITA approach and make it work for me - it’s like a demand to take care of and nurture myself.  But if he isn’t wired that way, how can he ever see it differently?

Ultimately, I know StephC has the right answer.  He is a good husband and father and the purpose of this life is not some worldly perfection.  A friend recommended me “The Secret Diary of Elizabet Leseur,” ( nothing to do with this problem!), and it seems like such an impossibility to me to ever reach anywhere near the level of holiness of this woman.  But I’ll read it anyway, and pray that some small sliver of light enters my skull.  I am touched by those who offered their prayers, and appreciate all the responses.  I really thought I would get reamed on this, but everyone was very charitable in their replies.  I suppose, as in most things, the right answer is the hardest one - prayer, sacrifice, and patience.  Sorry this is so long.

Lost my way:  To quote the Baltimore Catechism: By the Fifth Commandment, we are commanded to take proper care of our own spiritual and bodily well being and that of our neighbor.  YES.  You have the right to attempt to get your husband to be healthy.  I do not think you should nag or treat him like a child.  I do not see how you could stop him from eating an entire pizza, except to say once only, “I wish this would be your last piece.”  But to limit the situations where he would be tempted to overeat - or to have a plan in place: for example, buy a limited number of frozen pizzas for those crunch times.  You only have 2, they are gone, there’s no more.  This I think you should do.  Go for a walk after dinner, and ask him to come along - a short walk.  If he won’t go - go yourself, for only 5 minutes, so he sees that it’s not a big deal.  Talk to him when you aren’t feeling emotional and explain that you want him to live a long and healthy life.  Ask what he wants you to do for him…for example, my husband moans about not getting enough exercise.  Do you want me to kick you out of bed? I ask him.  If he says yes, then I do it.  Otherwise, I just get myself up to exercise.  You need to love him and accept him for who he is, but I definitely think that loving somebody with a problem means trying to help them.  I really think he needs the objective mentoring of a nutritionist - not you - but he has to want that.  In the meantime, without nagging, you have the right to ask him to be healthier.  Long-term medical care for poor health or sudden death when you still depend on his income would be disastrous.  His health IS your business.

Dear Lost my Way,
When you get down to it, we are basically are all anonymous souls who happen to cross paths here at random blogposts.  But I do thank you for following up - it painted a clearer picture of your understanding of and compassion towards the issue.  You also helped me & someone I love re-open a discussion about the same issues of overeating, exercise, etc.  So I’m grateful to you for following up!

It really sounds like your husband is a stress eater.  You are pregnant with your 8th child, right? Even when everyone is thrilled about a new baby, generally speaking, the dad is going to stress out in his own way about the added responsibility. Perhaps you can open the topic & say something like, “Let’s both start fresh for this baby’s sake - ‘baby steps for the baby.”

You and others reading this might think this is cold-blooded, but you might want to have a calm, just-the-facts-ma’am discussion with him about acquiring or upping his life insurance policy.  Smoking plus obesity plus sedentary lifestyle are pretty much a guaranteed equation for a shortened life span, and whether or not he is ready or able to change, at least he can responsibly plan for your future. That “ouch!” in the budget is a monthly reminder that the clock is ticking for all of us, overweight or not.

My family member explained the struggle of overeating to me this way:  whether he’s hungry or not, he doesn’t just say “No” once at the beginning of the day, and then carry on, able to withstand temptation.  He has to say “No” again and again, hundreds of times everyday, until he cracks and says “yes” and blows the calories through the roof. 

Some of the things he’s done are to:
-buy enough plastic containers for a week’s worth of premade appealing salads (second fridge for storage)
-experiment with salad fixings so that it’s not one monotonous week of green
-make the fridge & its contents “hungry idiot proof” - i.e., easily accessed, pre-made variety of low calorie, high protein snacks (hard boiled eggs, cooked chicken breasts, no-calorie jellos or puddings, etc.)
-leave all cash and credit cards at home so that impulse snack buys are impossible
-keep a carton of appetizing, healthy cans of soup at work for lunch
-enroll in a hospital-run cognitive/behavioral obesity study group

I don’t know if this has helped any, but I will be praying for you all, and *that’* gotta help, right?

(Btw, have you seen the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?  The two opposite families - one “in your face” and the other more uptight/reserved were the images your last post gave me! A humorous treatment of a near-universal phenomenon.)

There is nothing like some “afternoon delight” as we call it - slipping upstairs while little ones are napping and older ones are occupying themselves.  If it keeps the spontinaity alive in your marriage, then GO FOR IT.  It’s especially “helpful” for us when we are in Phase III and trying to avoid pregnancy, to keep the excitement factor alive since we don’t have the added chemistry that comes with the fertile phase.  Just make sure the door is locked!

Boy do I know how you feel! But having several years experience now with teens in the house I can say that soon, if you only wait until all the kids are asleep, you will not do it again until they are all gone. It is hard—especially for me. To answer your question, yes, we do when the kids are awake. If I have a glass or two of wine, it’s a bit easier for me. My husband doesn’t have any troubles—just me. I try to pray, think of my husband and how I want to love him and ask Jesus to help me. I also know that this time will pass-eventually. Oh, and I should mention—I don’t feel “naughty” in any way, merely very uncomfortable/embarrassed. I also try to think of years ago, when families all lived in one room homes…they got through it, I will too. Also—be grateful for a loving, willing husband, when there are so many struggling and they long for something/someone like that. Gratitude helps immensely as well.

Playtime when the children are awake is almost the only time my husband and I get together - our natural sleep schedules are different and he is exhausted early and wakes up early while I tend to stay up and finish dishes or cleaning and then want a few extra sleep minutes in the morning.  If we are both home, my kids can get bonus movie time so that we can retreat to our room (movies drown out accidental noises that may concern the 5 year old).  I love the exciting, playful, spontaneous (and sometimes planned - I can be home at 4 - do you think the kids could be busy then?).  I don’t know if my kids will ever realize that playdough and some of their favorite toys only appear when mommy wants to disappear.  For the embarassed/uncomfortable concerns, it did take me a while to trust that my kids would be okay - and we have been interupted by the not-okay cries.  But that actually made me feel more comfortable hiding out for a private interlude - the kids can get me if they need me.  And I am grateful - so grateful for all sorts of little moments that are not “routine” but are just good.  My husband still makes me feel attractive and wanted despite being 6 months pregnant with number 5 when he whispers suggestive thoughts in my ear when cleaning up after breakfast so that even when we don’t manage an escape, we are still in a good place together

absolutely!  this is the best for me, because i’m wiped by the time “after kids are in bed” rolls around and just want to read or veg.

thats what the tv is for! :-p

Oh goodness, if we had to wait for all our children to be sleeping, it would be miserable!  No…we frequently escape whenever we can.  Saturday mornings are the best, after a big breakfast.  The children are usually satisfied, had quality time with their parents, and become engaged in some sort of play.  Other times, we just lock the door and know that if they have an emergency we’ll know for sure.
I’m continuously thankful for a very healthy love life with my husband, it really keeps us close to one another and is a huge blessing to our marriage.  I would encourage you to go for it (and get a lock on your door, if you don’t have one!).  Pray that you can focus your mind on what’s inside the bedroom doors, instead of what your children are doing.  It’s worth it!

Nope….we don’t….and we are having to stay up later and later…but I’d rather wait until they are asleep so I can relax…than be interrupted!

Why do you think Veggie Tales are such big sellers??? 

(Think about it: “...Cauliflower! Sweet and sour! ***HALF AN HOUR!***** Veggie Tales!”)

If the feeling of being “naughty” can make you both giggle and relax as you’re sneaking away, so much the better for the closeness and unity.

This is the ONLY way we get together.  My husband and I have different sleep schedules and the kids are staying up later and later.  It’s called “movie night”: we get a movie from the library and they are so happy to watch a movie (they usually don’t get much TV) that they are only too happy to “not bother mom and dad while they watch their shows upstairs”  The TV is on upstairs and downstairs but no one is actually watching upstairs.

No for us, too.  We always wait until kids are all sleeping.  Just safer that way, but later as our teens are up much later.  So, I just make a mocha for us as a dessert, then I am more awake!

I probably wouldn’t mention it.  If he hasn’t had an interview yet, it could make him nervous and destroy his confidence if he does get an interview.  Either way, there’s nothing you can really do about it.

But I understand—I’m looking for a job too, and it’s incredibly frustrating to apply places and never hear anything back.  I’ll be praying for you.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! I would tell him that if he chooses that type of diet, then fine for him. But he can’t make you & the kids eat that way. Besides, that is not a healthy diet for children. They need a *balanced* diet. If you need to, talk to your pediatrician. Get his/her advice. Be willing to make his “special” meals so he knows you’re supporting him, but he shouldn’t be making you do anything against your will.

I think if he is the chef and can make nutritious, balanced meals for you all 3x/day, sure, he’s free to set the rules.

Since I’m guessing this is not the case, I think I would ask him *how you can help him* to make that diet choice work best *for him.*  If he knows that he caves to temptation too easily if the carbs are visible, for example, perhaps the solution is to not serve from the table.  Or maybe if you freeze all breads, for example, then they won’t be immediately accessible.  Those kinds of “tricks.”

“Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.”  That is a quote from St. Augustine that I recently read, and if it doesn’t apply to those of us who are tempted by food in the the house, it does to some other area, for sure!

I think the key is to not feel attacked, but turn it around charitably and ask how you can make things easier/better for him, then brainstorm ideas.

Whoa, I just re-read your post & saw the last line about “making the kids do jumping jacks to ‘make up’ for eating toast.”
 
Uh, there’s the deeper, messier issue (in my opinion).  It really doesn’t matter if you comply perfectly with the no-carbs decree, does it?  My hunch is that even if you did that til now and Christmas, there will be something else on January 1st.
Any idea what the real issue is?  Is he feeling totally disrespected by his family, or feeling like he’s lost leadership somehow?  Or has he just always had controlling tendencies?

I’ll pray for you both.

Anon, this is wrong.  Low carb is a great way to diet for a grown up.  Even kids can limit their flour and sugar intake, esp. if there’s a weight problem.  But hard and fast No Carb is not good for growing bodies.  And I agree with Steph—grilling the children about what you all have eaten, and making them work it off—that doesn’t seem right.  Can you agree to make low carb or no carb dinners, and ask him to leave the rest of the day up to you?  That’s fair.  If he flat refuses to work with you, there is a deeper problem at work!

I don’t have any greater advice than what was already given, but rather a warning. If he is making children exercise to make up for eating then he is setting the stage for future eating disorders. And if he thinks they are too young for that kind of influence then he need to do some research. Eating disorders are not just for teenage girls. Children (that includes boys) as young as six can have them. Studies have shown that placing emphasis on food/exercise when children are young can be damaging. Placing emphasis on healthy, balanced, meals is the route to go. Children should not learn to fear food and we should never place our restrictions upon them. Their bodies are still growing and need carbs and protein as a part of their diet. Please take him with you to the pediatrician and have her explain it to him.

I agree with everyone else—this is extremely problematic.  It’s one thing to encourage healthy eating habits in a family, and I think it’s fine to limit/eliminate processed foods and refined sugars and all that stuff.  But to say all carbs are bad?  Fruits are carbohydrates—does he say that oranges are forbidden too?

Plus, it’s really not good to set up kids with the idea that foods are inherently bad and they must be punished for eating them.  Like Kristina said, this is the way to create a really bad relationship with food for your children and could set them up for a lifetime of disordered eating.

As far as solutions go, maybe see if the two of you could talk to a dietician?  That might be able to appease his fears about unhealthy eating (although it sounds like it’s more an issue of control than unhealthy eating) and also make sure that you can work out food plans that ensure that your growing children are getting everything they need to stay healthy.  Some counseling for him (either marital or individual) might also help him figure out why he has this obsession with food and your children’s intake (assuming they’re generally healthy).  I’ll be praying for you.

Okay, I hate to be scary here, but this is bad.  Very bad.  I grew up with this & developed an eating disorder (anorexia) & subsequent osteoporosis because my body had used up its fat & muscle stores and was tapping into my bones—yes, it happens!!  The scariest thing of all?  My dad (who was pushing the healthy eating) praised my “healthy” eating up until the very day my doctor (who was also a personal family friend) phoned dad at work to tell him about my osteoporosis.  If your husband thinks an eating disorder is not going to happen to *his* kids or that he will be able to notice when it does, let me tell you that this is NOT the case.  An eating disorder is not like going on a diet—it starts with feelings of guilt, inferiority, a child’s natural desire to please their parents and be “good” and “fit in to the family”... and latches on to food as the way to measure up and fit in.  So NOT healthy—at least for the emotions, heart, and soul (and, if the disorder gets bad enough, not good for the body, either)!! 

So… that is ONE issue here.  Another (as others have said) is that no- and low-card diets are for grown-ups and should be temporary.  Diets like the Atkins and South Beach (but esp. Atkins) can lead to serious constipation issues if used for too long.  Your body NEEDS the fibers in grains and such to help you process.  (And when doing the South Beach you DO work carbs back into your diet, just making sure they are whole grains and such—that might be something your husband could look into & he could do the whole “diet” plan while you and the kids could jump to the last phase which includes grains???) 

If I were you, I would explain to your husband that ANY food group can be “bad” if overdone (even veggies—I have known several toddlers to get vitamin A toxic—yes, it is a real condition!—because their parents actually fed them too many veggies in an attempt to keep them healthy).  Balance is key.  And if your husband feels too uncomfortable about just “winging it” in terms of food choice, why not follow something like the food pyramid (or whatever they’re using these days—I think the food pyramid was redone a couple years back…)? 

In the end, though, I would say that your husband sounds like he needs to let go a little bit and dig into himself to figure out why he feels the need to be so controlling in this (or any) area of his/others’ lives and see if he can move into a more peaceful existence for himself in which he is not measuring everyone to see if they measure up (in the food area or wherever else).  Fat, thin, outgoing, reserved, goal-driven, or prone to take life one moment at a time, carb-filled or veggie-filled… none of these are “bad” OR GOOD!  Afterall, what it’s really all about is loving God and loving each other, right???

Thanks everyone, for your ideas and concerns.  He *IS* very controlling in lots of areas, and wants me to lose my baby weight, but I think he is going about it all wrong.

I have taken to making food that is high fiber, like whole-grain pancakes, (not bread) 7 grain bagels, (I know, its’ a technicality—not bread) and other foods when he’s gone, and then having something else for lunch so that I can honestly tell him we had “no carb food” and just leave the carbs out of the conversation.

He’s not being reasonable.  It could possibly stem from the fact that he and his older brother “fought” over food at each meal at his childhood home.  (I’m not sure why there wasnt’ much there, they seem to be able to make ends meet.)  Food is now, and has always been, an issue for him, and I think it is the temptation of carbs at night.  He is the most fit of our family but again, in an unreasonable way.  He will do 500 sit-ups, and curl 80 pound barbells at work until he can’t move his arms.  He looks good, but he is a bit of a freak about it, and I am VERY WORRIED about the effect this has on our children. Especially my boys///

I myself, could stand to lose some weight.  And I will when I’m done nursing the baby—-but NOT like he wants me to—-In fact, when he acts like this, I just want to tell him to go take a flying leap! He has never been overweight, and he doesn’t understand how hard it is….sorry off the subject a bit….

I had an eating disorder (Anorexia) when I was in high school, and it was all about being in control of something when my life (mom and dad divorcing after years of fighting) was spinning out of control.  I weighed HALF of what I do now and I was basically a stick.  Not healthy, not fit, just skinny.

My kids are healthy eaters, and some are going through their “out” phases….so he is freaking out that they are fat….and I don’t have the right argument, because he is not listening to me….

Body types are all different.  My husband’s body type, like his father’s, is a type that can not handle potatoes, bread, noodles, flour, etc in anything other than small amounts (as in: not daily).  It sends his triglycerides through the roof and lowers his HDL to the “at risk for immediate heart attack” level.  Sometimes he follows his diet really well, sometimes not.  I am certain that my children, at least some of them, will have this same problem when they are older.  However, right now, they are growing and need mega-calories (especially my 13 yo boy).  I could not afford to feed them without supplementing with pasta and potatoes and rice.  I know that once my children get older, I will have to discuss with them eating and exercise and make sure they get the right blood work done.  And for now, I try to encourage moderation, good choices, and regular exercise through word and example.  But good choices right now are not the same as good choices when you are 20.  I don’t know what set your husband off, but he needs to understand that children’s bodies (other people’s bodies) are not the same and have different nutritional needs.  Plus I disagree with anyone dictating to others food rules.  We limit candy and soda, but we don’t ban it.  Food is not immoral, in and of itself.  Alcohol has legal rules, and that is different (sorry, you can’t have a beer, son, you’re underage).  A family with allergies may find it best to keep certain foods out of the house until their use can be controlled (no peanut butter until the child affected is old enough to know not to eat it and all people consuming can properly clean up after themselves) and for convenience.  But to restrict the diets of children for no reasonable medical reason, I have a problem with that.  And I definitely would have a problem if my husband told me what I could and could not eat.

I’d stick to your guns too - but *you* have to be the one to stick to them.  At this point, it sounds like your kids are in the middle of what is really a marriage problem.  They can eat what mom gives them, or obey dad and not eat during the day.  They can cover for you when he questions them, or they can tell dad the truth and get everyone in trouble.  But this is *not* your kids’ problem to solve and they shouldn’t be in the position of choosing a parent to be loyal to.  So I have no problem with you serving what your kids need (and getting something specific from your pediatrician and your own dr. if need be to back you up), but you have to be the one to honestly tell dh “here’s what we’re eating during the day (if he even needs to know that at all, which is debatable, but beside the point), but we’ll do no-carb at night so you can stick to your diet more easily” rather than both of you making the kids into your go-betweens.  Dh may need that pointed out too: you’re the one making food and serving it during the day, so you’re the one to talk to about it because you can’t be undermining each other by showing the kids so clearly that you don’t trust each other.
I’d also guess you’d benefit from counseling; from your second post, it sounds like both of you are bringing a number of issues into your marriage (all of us do, it’s just more obvious for some than others) and if food/weight is a point of contention now, you’re going to need some help staying objective and healthy here.  Having dealt with anorexia myself, I know my recovery would be totally sabotaged if control over food became a major issue with me and my dh.