I can’t think of anything specific to do, but I do remember reading about this issue exactly in the book The Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  Maybe you could come to some sort of agreement that he’s allowed to vent for the first 15 minutes after being home and then it’s put aside so that you can focus on each other and the kids.  Just one idea.  Another would be that you tell him that you understand and want to support but that you feel: powerless? forgotten? overwhelmed? abandoned?  (fill in your feeling word here) so that he understands that his awful job isn’t just affecting him, it’s affecting you and the kids too.

You pretty much described my husband’s job situation. It has a HUGE impact on our lives. He was off of work for a couple of weeks for Christmas and then, sadly, his mother’s death - which obviously is stressful in and of itself - but the change in him was dramatic. I had forgotten how much I could enjoy his company when he wasn’t grouchy, mean, stressed out, etc., which is all coming from work. I don’t have a solution for you, but I will pray that his situation improves. It’s difficult to find the time to look for a new job when you are already working.

We are in the same boat!  I feel so sorry for my guy.  Every day is so stressful, and his boss is so irrational I have to really be on guard not to Hate, you know?  It’s really the central focus of our lives right now.  So, I try to reassure him.  I thank him for putting up with this hateful job for our sakes.  I point out to him little areas where I saved a bit of money, to take some of the pressure off.  I try NOT to point out that our stove is on the blink, our hot water pressure is a trickle, and everyone needs underpants, including him.  I remind him that the kids and I are praying that his big meeting goes well, or whatever. I try not to call him during the day with family issues unless it’s an emergency. And I’m trying to be part of his career building.  Can you jump in on that?  Carry a copy of his resume around in your purse—you never know!  Google around for things that match what he does.  If he feels pressured by your involvement, forget it, but my dh doesn’t mind so much.  Prayers for you and your family!  Hope he finds something good soon!

We’re in a similar situation. I do gently let my husband know when I feel like his work stress seeps into our family time too much. I always offer to do anything I need to do to help when I bring it up. Sometimes that conversation doesn’t go as well as I would like but it does always help eventually. I don’t continue feeling like I’m walking on pins and needles and my husband recognizes that he needs to work on his stress. And he knows and feels my support, that I see how hard he is working and how difficult it is for him at times. My husband has a pretty easy 40 minute commute (not much traffic) which allows him to decompress a little. Is there anything your husband can do between work and home that will give him some space? And like Regina said, I tell my husband how much I appreciate him and his sacrifices often. Everything from thanks for helping put the kids to bed even though you’re tired to thanks for how hard you work. And finally, I try to remind him that we don’t know God’s plan, maybe he is where he is right now making sacrifices because it is making a difference in someone else’s life. And I encourage him to keep praying and talking to God about all of it, good and bad, and keep offering it up. It isn’t a guarantee that anything will get better, but it’s really all any of us can do.

My husband hates his job and is always stressed also.  I would like to know, in this economy where so many have been laid off leaving fewer employees to do more work, what husband ISN’T overworked and stressed out.  We can’t change the job but we (my husband and I) are constantly brainstorming on ideas on how to help him destress and not focus on his job.  Some things we have come up with:  one night a week he has “off” where he doesn’t have to help with the kids or do anything around the house.  He can go upstairs and watch TV or go to a movie or go the library or whatever.  Another is regular back-massages (either I or the kids or a massage therapist give it to him).  Another is a hobby (he has a couple).  Another is constantly voicing my appreciation.  There are others but you get the idea.  So the best I can do is have something for him to look forward to when he is off work.

This is a heavy cross to bear. Not sure how you can make your husband want to stop but I know Al Anon is a very good program for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics. They have all been through it so they may have some ideas for you. Also your local mental health society, YMCA or hospital may have some helpful programs. Start making phone calls. I will say a rosary for you and your family today.

Perhaps you could suggest a retreat for married couples or a sit-down with a priest or other type of therapist, as a means of nurturing your marriage, and the issue of drinking would probably come up through the process. Praying for you!

I have no experience in this area, but could you maybe propose some sort of activity (a game, a walk, reading a book together, I dunno…) for you and your husband to DO after the kids go to bed so maybe he won’t have time to drink, um, QUITE so many beers?  Could that be a start??  And if he started enjoying a game or book maybe he wouldn’t want to cloud his brain the way alcohol does so he can stay alert and focus on the activity at hand?  I have heard men have to be “addicted” to something; maybe if he found something to really get involved in in the evening he would loose some interest in so much beer?

Maybe a rehab or an out patient clinic at a hospital or a recovery center would be better for your husband.  I’m assuming you have health insurance.  Can you look into that?

Hi MomAnon,
I was in a similar situation not that long ago, for a couple of years. My husband’s father is also an alcoholic and I could see my husband start to follow his path. It started out with occasional beer and grew into 6-7 beers per night and if he was drinking liquor, it would be glass after glass until the bottle was almost empty, or empty. It scared me, and I would tell him so and that I didn’t like how it was affecting him. He denied any effects on him, saying he was fine and not drunk (while slurring his words as he told me) every time, and I was getting pretty tired of it. One day there was an episode after an party where I woke up and he was puking all over and could not get off the bathroom floor for hours. I cried myself to sleep and when he finally woke up the next day I told him this had to stop, I couldn’t take it anymore. He wrote me a lovely apology letter promising me that the whole puking thing would never EVER happen again, he promised, and things were better for a while until they started to get out of hand again. I was reminding him again that he said he wouldn’t do this anymore, and he said again that it wasn’t affecting him at all, he was fine and not even buzzed (again, slurring) and there we were right back where we used to be. Finally there was another party, and I knew he would be drinking at it. Before the event, I took him aside and said I was worried that he was going to drink too much and puke again. He promised me that he wasn’t planning on drinking much anyway and besides, he had promised me that it would never happen again so I had nothing to worry about. Well what do you know, there he was at 4am puking his guts out AGAIN. I was livid. I was past being upset, I was angry. I felt cheated, betrayed, and upset. I wasn’t planning on leaving him, but in the morning (he was too asleep and hungover to even hear anything) I packed up the kids and took them out for a walk. When we got home, there was a very very sad and upset husband who thought his family had left due to his behaviour. I think it scared him really badly and we had a very very long talk after that. He promised me solemnly that he was not going to ever go past 4 beers anymore, and he was never going to touch liquor again. I told him I didnt trust him because he had broken his promises in the past. He said he understood and was willing to show me that I could re build my trust in him. Well it’s been a long time and he hasn’t gone over 4 beers and hasn’t touched liquor. He says he loves me and our family far more than he could ever love alcohold anymore.
MomAnon, I am praying for you. There is hope!!

MomAnon, I would see if your insurance covers IN-PATIENT treatment and if your husband had vacation and/or medical leave time to take.  Having him away may be difficult, but having him in a facility that combines drying out with counseling is a fast-track to recovery.

Is your husband Catholic?  I have heard a man named Johnny Garcia on Jesse Romero’s radio show (The Lord’s Gym)  and he talks about his addiction to alcohol and drugs.  He went in an out of AA several times, and what he finally found actually worked for him were the sacraments!!!    Most specifically, confession and the Eucharist.  He felt like AA only took it so far, but that there was no way he would have made it out of his addiction to alcohol without the help of the sacraments.  He may have a CD somewhere - you could try to find it at St. Joseph’s Communications, I believe.

What would happen if you shared this with his Dad? AA Members do learn ways to invite others and are encouraged to make amends.

Thank you all for your concern and comments/suggestions.  RS I’m glad you have gotten to a point of trust again in your marriage and what seems to be your husbands healthy outlook on life.  I have talked with my FIL and for some reason he only asks hubby how he is and when hubby doesn’t elaborate the discussion just ceases—its confusion from an AA perspective.  A few years ago hubby was very close to entering an outpatient rehab but at the last hour he was too worried about his job finding out.  Now he is in a new job less than a year and would likely NEVER agree to going again.  I’ve been praying and thinking about this non-stop and I desperately need to get my courage to just tell him it has to stop and he has to get help to do it.  Your continued prayers would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you all in advance for your support and for sharing your story RS.  <3

MomAnon, I am in your shoes.  Unfortunately my husband has never sought help.  He goes through spells of bad drinking, never getting violent or nasty, but getting too “cutesy” with my son’s friends.  It’s downright embarrassing.  My youngest son is 18 now and the kids basically know how my husband is.  A man who doesn’t think he is an alcoholic can’t get treatment. He has to be the one to do it.  Sometimes an ultimatum has to be made.  In my case, my husband is only harming himself right now.  My kids have a lot of issues though.  I have learned to deal with it somewhat, but there are days when I just can’t take it anymore. Like today.  It’s the whole alcoholic personality.  I have been seeing a counselor for over 10 years. It helps me cope.  My husbands father was also an alcoholic.  He will never admit that he is.  It’s very sad.  My husband has a good job and is well known in our church for doing “good”.  It gets very hard to deal with sometimes.  Do yourself a favor and get help for you and your kids. You will need it.

Thanks ANON for your suggestion and for sharing your story.  I will lift you up in prayer.

MomAnon,
Sadly, I have been where you have been.  Right now we are in a “good” cycle where my husband understands his addiction.  But as with any alcoholic I do not trust that he won’t slip again.  When he does, I feel absolutely betrayed as if he had an affair. (the sneaking, lying, cover-up is so much like an affair!!)  My husband has also come from a long line of alcoholics.  His mother died of it, his brother has final stage liver disease etc. etc.  One thing that has been very beneficial is Marked Men for Christ.  See if you have a retreat in your area.  It is non-denominational but most of the organizers are Catholic, it really drives home the fact that these men are to be leaders in the home and EVERYTHING (good and bad) that they experienced in their past makes them who they are today.  It gives these men “brothers” that they can journey through fatherhood together and be accountable to.  Every time my husband slides back into depression, alcohol etc.  I realize that he has gotten out of synch w/ Marked Men and its time to go back to the meetings.  Check it out!!  Every husband and father needs to go on one of these retreat weekends!!

MomAnon, I feel your pain!!  I lived through my husband’s drinking getting worse and worse until it got to be about 10 - 12 drinks a day, every day for 2 - 3 years.  He would pick up his alcohol on the way back from work and start drinking as soon as he got home until he’d fall asleep with the kids around 8pm.  Every day, I told myself I wouldn’t get angry and every day I would and just made things worse!  I would encourage him to go to AA, which he did on and off, I got him to see counsellors, I got family and friends to talk to him, I got him to sign up in an after work intensive out-patient program - all to no avail!  Al Anon was helpful, and I recommend it, but I was still constantly agonizing as to what I should do: Stay? Go (if only temporary)?  Go where?...  I was turning into a total basket case and the atmosphere at home was poison.  I think what finally turned things around was 1) Giving him an ultimatum as to when I would start separation proceedings and fully intending to carry that out - I needed a break from it all!  A lawyer told me I could get him out of the house given the circumstances.  My goal was not divorce, but peace in the family and for him to see that it was serious 2)  A prescription he got for Antabuse, which he was wiling to take.  He just could not stop on his own!  It’s been really helpful for him 3)  The help and dedication of AA guys 4)  Prayer! 
He has now been sober for the past 8 months and is still going strong!  Things are still quite difficult for us because our relationship was neglected for so many years, but slowly it’s improving and we are committed to working things out and staying married.
I will keep you in my prayers.  Alcoholism affects the whole family and you get sucked into such insanity!  But many have conquered the disease and there’s always hope!  God bless you and help you make the right decisions for your family!

I just read that his colon ruptured.  They removed part of it, but the recovery will be up to a month.  Thanks for letting us know so we can lift him up in prayer!

Today in class (I go to Franciscan) we were told by a professor in the Theology department that the surgery went well but there would be a long recovery and Dr. Hahn will be out for a while, possibly half of the semester.  Prayers are definitely needed!

LOVE it!  Thanks for sharing!

Meant to say “created BY a parish priest in my hometown,” sorry!  Can be found (and shared) on facebook too.

Thanks for sharing this response, Chloe!  I loved it.  I’ve seen several other responses that were also well created.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. (That’s what she said). This is common and it’s difficult to feel like being intimate when you are worn down and not feeling attractive. I would recommend trying to get “ready” by taking time to look pretty for your husband and yourself…..don’t focus just on sex but on being together as a couple too. Make him a special desert and glass of wine and do something intimate together like take a walk or watch the sun setting and hold hands or snuggle into each other. Remember why you fell in love in the first place and try to keep in mind the wonderful bonding that occurs in the marital act…...PRayers.

My dear—I often find myself in a similar state of mind. What I need to do then is to try to think of my dear husband, and all the love and joy he gives me daily, and how much I can please him by being his sweet lovey. Rather than focus on me, in other words, I focus on him. I focus on pleasing him, and being with him. I agree with the previous poster, jeanne, about focusing on the bonding in all ways that marriage brings about.
In answer to your other question, how often—we try to maximize the infertile times, but my husband also tries to be a caring and loving spouse and not be too pushy. My cycles have gotten shorter in the last several years, so we try to not waste opportunities without worrying too much if we do.
Peace!

Something that has helped my husband and me a lot is being flexible with the timing—- don’t just wait until the kids go to bed.  I have seasonal affective disorder, so I am super tired in the winter.  My husband takes a half-day about once a week during infertile times, we set the kids up in the basement with a TV show.  My libido is so much higher at 1pm than 8pm!!  Maybe early morning before kids wake up would work for you.  Do your kids go to bed at reasonable bedtimes?  Can you rearrange your schedule (and the kids) so you have more time with your husband just being together talking and laughing?  Your sex life is an outgrowth of the rest of your marriage and will reflect the rest of your marriage.

We probably only end of having sex once every two or three months.  There just aren’t many days when 1) Both of us are well, 2) I am not menstruating, 3) I am not fertile, and 4) we are not completely exhausted.  But you know what?  We are fine!  We have a great marriage, we help with a marriage ministry at our parish and we are not obsessed with the subject.  We have other ways of showing affection and we are not persuaded by the culture that life is just about having sex all the time.  Sometimes I even think all the recent Theology of the Body talk makes couples feel pressured that they should be having sex more.

Anon, I think your last comment is very apt - sometimes I feel like that affects my thinking almost as much as the culture.  It’s a more positive influence, but still can make you think you should be putting more importance on the subject than you need to.  Those were great thoughts.

Thanks ladies.. those were some great comments.  We do have a great marriage and a wonderful family.  We also have only had sex during the fertile phase 3 months in 5 1/2 years and each time has resulted in a pregnancy… (1st was a miscarriage)  I shared all your thoughts with my husband and he appreciates them as well.  Kallie- we have been similar as you with the 1-3 times before and after the fertile phase.  I do find if there is not a built up of intimacy well before getting there… it’s tough to get in the mood… like a nice dinner, helping with dishes/bedtimes, snuggling watching TV instead of sitting in my comfy recliner, and of course a glass or 2 of wine.  I hate that I can’t just snap into the mood like he can too… and i’m often annoyed by his trying to get me in the mood quickly.  It’s one of those things that as family life changes I am learning to adapt to the changes.  It nice to be able to chat with other ladies about this.  Thanks.

oh, this is so hard.  Prayers for you.  I’m not even doing NFP but have struggled with a low libido since childbirth.  One thing that has helped is making this plan with my husband—we’ll try “hanky panky” for five minutes or so, and if it doesn’t go anywhere, that’s okay.  But usually if I give in, relax my muscles, and just try not to resist, I end up enjoying it and we have sex.  It is really hard for me to relax, and silence all the little thoughts “oh but I’m so tired….I’ll have to take a shower…This is our only time together, I’d rather do _____….I just changed the sheets…” but once I do I am surprised that I become aroused even when I didn’t think I was going to.  It sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband, that you can talk so frankly about this, and that’s fantastic!  Pray with him about it too, specifically.  pray hard.