This topic always surprises me as the vast majority of my friends are women and I truly love and value them.

I think one thing to keep in mind is that to have a friend, you have to BE a friend (as in, put in the time & effort, not just when it’s convenient for you). It also helps to look for the best in another person and to give them the benefit of the doubt. A couple of friends I have who struggle with female friendships go into relationships expecting the worst, and sometimes that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I see this unfortunately also within the Catholic Church and it has cut me to the core.  I have personally experienced women who go to frequent mass and confession and have a seemingly great faith life turn on a dime and shun or chastise other women because of simple disagreements about how to live one’s faith or work within the Church.  I’m not talking about matters of faith or morals which can’t be compromised on.  I’m just talking about “clicks” and “popular girls” within a parish or diocese who kneel in adoration one minute and rip another woman to shreds to others the next minute.  This is an inconsistency that all of us women need to examine and tear up by the root from our lives.  The best advice I could ever give came from my own mother - give each other the benefit of doubt.  Assume the best intentions of others.  Forgive, AND move on in love, especially if someone is seeking forgiveness!

This is such an important issue for women.  Until about 7 years ago I never really had an issue with meanness in women. Then I became a SAHM and moved across country and lost my social network.  A woman in my neighborhood started a play group and decided that I and my children couldn’t be a part because my oldest child was 6 months older than her oldest.  I used to see them meet every two weeks across the street from me.  I was so lonely and I would cry every time I saw them meet.

A few years later I joined a homeschooling group.  I was instrumental in helping the group form etc.  I considered many of the women to be good friends and thanked God for their friendship.  I was on the fence about continuing homeschooling, so, for a season I wasn’t an involved as I had been.  During this time, there was an issue with some unruly siblings.  The group, rather than charitably speak with the mother of the misbehaving children, decided to kick out not only that family but about 6 other families.  We received an e-mail form letter informing us we had been removed from the group and the e-mail discussion group etc. No phone call, no personal conversation.  I cried for about 6 months.  When I mustered enough courage to call and ask one of the so called leaders of the group if we could meet & talk over a cup of coffee she told me she couldn’t meet because she was busy working at a crisis pregnancy center. 

I still pray for these women everyday under the category of “frenemies”;-)  I’m a little embarrassed to have been friends with them.

The big lesson for me has been to include people as much as possible.  I might never know what a play date / dinner party means to someone.  I also work really hard at discussing things with women directly.  I read once that e-mails are interpreted to the negative 75% of the time.  So if an issue is potentially sensitive I call someone or try to get together.

I think it’s so sad when women who really “live” their faith treat others with meanness. But I’ve come to realize that these women more than others really need healing and inflict wounds,even subconsciously, because they are very wounded themselves.  I’ve found that it’s the women who identify so voraciously with one way of living, whether it be “uber Catholic” in piety or hippie free-spirit, they are the ones who are desperately holding on to those external things to give them a sense of self-worth or identity.  And if you don’t know who you are, or don’t like who you are, how can you really extend or receive the hand of true friendship?

@ Jennifer- I agree that faithful women are not more hurtful than any other category, but I do think it’s true that if you’re a daily communicant or otherwise very fervent in your outward gestures of a faith life, you also have more responsibility to live out that faith in an extraordinary way.  I mentioned my particular concern earlier because I think it’s important that we each examine ourselves very carefully to be sure that we are not “white-washed walls” or “cymbals clanging”, and that we are truly acting in love in all our dealings with others in the Church, especially in how we treat others who may be new to the faith or trying to live it out through different channels in the Church, be it lay Franciscan, Opus Dei, Pro-Life or whatever, instead of pigeon-holing people, staying within the click we feel most comfortable and assuming that whatever group we’re in is the best or most important.  I feel like I have learned tough lessons in this area myself and want to live unified with the Church and accepting of the different paths available to us all, be they more charismatic or more contemplative.  I am making it a priority on my part to edify and uplift anything that the Church has given us as a means to the end of holiness, even if it’s not what I choose for myself.  (Again, not talking about faith and morals here).  Not sure if I’m making sense here - I’m just trying to work some things out personally and this article kind of hit the nail on the head for me.