In my own opinion: Don’t do it! I have a brother who is in the Legion and married to a former legionary (he was in for 13 years). The Legion does not even know who they are anymore…and ConQuest is a way of “gaining” vocations to their order…not anyone else’s. It wouldn’t be so bad if they encouraged vocations to other orders but they do not. They’re self-servicing (which is why many bishop’s in the U.S do not allow them in their diocese). Plus, if your son isn’t as active or you’re not wealthy they won’t give you or your son the time of day. This may sound harsh and I apologize but I really have little respect for the order right now, especially since they’re going through changes. My poor brother will be ordained this December and he still is told wrong things about what is going on regarding the “changes” being made & who is in charge. Hope this helps!

I second what Mary says. Don’t do it. My cousins attended a Legionaries school and the school does exactly what Mary said, try to get vocations to their order only and really guilt the boys into it.

Linda,
Our parish used to have a ConQuest club which my husband helped out with.  The structure and activities are all very good and works well with boys.  However, I have to agree with Mary above on the spiritual direction.  I’ve met many good men in the Legion but believe that the way they are taught about discernment and providing spiritual direction, especially to the young, is not conducive to true discernment among all the possible vocations God may be calling one to.  Also, it’s often seminarians providing the direction and they may not yet be spiritually mature enough to do so.  I believe the seminarians truly have the desire to provide good direction but may be hampered by their own formation.
Mary, I’ll pray for your brother that he discerns and follows God’s will for him and for the Legion’s leadership to awaken from their coma and truly, openly and humbly seek God’s will for the Legion and the precious souls it touches.

Linda, I too would caution against it because the Legion has a very warped view of discernment and free will, not to mention the fact that their entire history is based on a foundation of lies. I was a pre-candidate in their girls’ boarding school and then very active with them throughout college. I left the moment the scandal broke 2 years ago—not because Maciel was so evil (though of course that was significant) but primarily because I was absolutely dumbfounded and shocked at the Legion response. There was no PUBLIC apology or honest explanation of what was going on. It took their general director (Fr. Alvaro) one year to write an actual apology and even then it was sent to people on their email list—it wasn’t in the form of a press release to the whole world (such as their defense of Maciel was when he was punished by the Vatican in 2006 http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/legionaries_of_christ_release_declaration_following_vatican_statement_and_renew_their_commitment_to_serve_the_church/ ) There is much more I could say but I firmly believe that that the above point alone illustrates the lack of genuine honesty and concern for the victims that is practiced by the hierarchy. I do not think an order can even be reformed if its very purpose of existence was always intertwined with such evil agendas and deceit by Maciel and those who aided him (no one can get away with what he did for 6+ decades and not have ANY help). I hope that helps, I send it so you know the facts before you make your decision. God bless!

Hi, Linda! In interest of full disclosure, I’m a Regnum Christi member, and I was involved in running a Challenge girl’s club. You could say Challenge is the sister program to ConQuest. I totally respect your reservations in becoming involved in the ConQuest program given the past “practices” of the Legion concerning vocational discernment. I think it would be wise to speak directly to the men/priests/brothers involved in your area. Ask them questions - blunt and pointed questions - about your concerns and see what kind of answers you get. Where do they stand? How will they handle these issues? What do they think about the way things used to be done? Are they doing things differently? The hierarchy of the Legion isn’t running your local club - it’s the men and fathers on the local ConQuest “team”. So if you get to know them I think you’ll get a pretty clear picture of what will be happening there.

From my personal experience with Challenge - the girls involved are really enjoying it and the Club had grown dramatically over the past 5 years. Changes were made in the materials the Club used after everything came out about Maciel, so I’m sure the same happened in ConQuest. The girls are growing closer to Christ and they’re discovering Him as a friend all while they serve others. I think that is an amazing thing and I see it as a gift:)

Karen—I don’t know of any books.  My oldest is 4 and we’ve been teaching her to always address adults as Mr/Mrs/Miss, regardless of what other children are calling the adult.  It’s a simple and effective rule that has led to conversations about respecting authority, etc. I think people are cautious today about being overly rigid in teaching respect of elders due to sexual abuse, etc.  I still teach her to respect authority, but we’ve also done some safety training with her.  She is not allowed to have secrets with anyone and is supposed to tell us if someone asks her to keep a secret, and we always respect her desire to set her own physical limits with adults or anyone for that matter.  We do not force hugs/kisses with family members.  I don’t feel this is teaching her to be disrespectful to her elders at all, I just feel it is crucial for her understanding that she is allowed to set her own standards and she should never be forced to show affection.  We have had problems with family members feeling offended by our daughter not being forced to give them hugs, etc. but I think it’s imperative to emphasize the fact that respecting elders does not include always doing everything they request of a child, especially if it’s something they feel physically uncomfortable with.

I am using a “curriculum” with my kiddos called Oops - Mind Your Manners. It has cute activities and crafts to teach them proper behavior when making introductions, setting the table, answering the phone - all kinds of situations. Obviously these are also things I teach them in everyday life but they love the curriculum too.

Anne,
Prayers for you.  You’re such a devoted Mom to be putting in all this effort to pump and dump while dealing with 2 little ones and PPD.  If you decide to change to formula completely don’t feel guilt about it.  If it’s the way that best meets your needs and nourishment for your son then it’s best.  If you decide to continue pump/dump do you have anyone who can do the baby’s bottle on occasion so that you can not feel rushed and maybe sneak in a nap?  As for how much formula - is he producing a wet diaper every few hours?  Does he seem less interested in the bottle after a certain # of ounces on a regular basis?  If so, try just giving him that amount or just 1 abovee it and see howt goes.If he’s a chubber, you’re doing fine.

Anne!!! You are an awesome mom.  I can tell . .  so loving, so dedicated so committed to doing what is best . . . so, here’s my advice . . stop nursing. It will take a few weeks to reduce your milk supply and be comfortable— I am an older mom of 6 and I can tell you that your son will be okay if you switch 100% to bottle feeding.  Ask your pediatrician how many oz per day your little guy should get . . . I can’t recall off hand.  I find I make the best decisions when I consider what is best for the ENTIRE family - not just one child.  If it will bring you peace and rest then seriously consider stopping nursing . . . ANd, as a reminder - you are in the worse part (to me at least) of infancy.  So deeply fatigue . . . it will get better.  peace.

I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers today, Anne. It is so hard to pump, especially when you can’t even use the milk and you have other little ones in the house. God bless you!

(Oh, and if you would need to move to formula completely because it gets too hard, don’t feel guilty. Your stable mental health is the best gift you can give to your baby.)

Anne, you’ve got my admiration, empathy & prayers.  Wish there were a smiley-thing for hugs; insert here.

Kellymom.com, AskDrSears.com and LLLI.com are my go-to sites for breastfeeding; you’ve probably been there already.

I am just thinking…one hour to pump/empty both breasts seems like a long time, to me.  (Others, please speak up if I’m off base!)  Is it possible that you need a higher-grade pump?  Or, is it possible that your supply is decreasing? (Which would be totally understandable, given all the factors!)  But if you decide you want to keep your supply up, you might consider also pumping *after* each feeding, to signal your breasts to kick up the production.  You won’t yield much; it’s the additional sucking/stimulation that tells your body it needs to make more milk.

“If flying with children, put on your own oxygen mask first, then assist them with theirs.”  Those pre-flight words of wisdom come to mind.  The best thing for your babies is a healthy mommy.  Permission to dump all the milk you want, guilt-free is hereby granted.  Permission to fill your little guy’s belly up with *a* food source, whether breastmilk or formula, granted.   Permission to change your mind 10 times a day, that too! 

I’m going to get up and ask good ole St.Gianna to intercede for you.  God bless!

Prayers for you, Anne!  I hated pumping! 

You need to do what’s best for you family-  if that means just formula feeding, it’s okay!  You are more than just the food, you are the mommy.  And if formula feeding means that you are better able to take care of yourself and your little ones, then so be it:)

I had to wean my 6 month old earlier than I would have liked because my allergy medication completely wrecked my milk supply.  I tried everything to increase my supply and nothing really worked (including the pumping).  Pretty soon, nursing just became overwhelming so I switched her to formula.  The one thing I would caution you: weaning can cause hormone fluctuations, so your mood may temporarily be worse before it gets better.  I don’t know if that happens to everyone, but I was a complete wreck for two weeks after I finished nursing our daughter.  As soon as I started a period, I was fine though. 

A general rule of thumb:  2.5 ounces of formula per pound of baby per day (assuming you are not giving any breastmilk or solids).  Since you are nursing too, it’s going to be less than that.  As long as baby is gaining weight, wetting diapers, and seems happy, he’s probably getting enough:)

Anne,

Please don’t feel guilty if you need to stop breast-feeding.  I had postpartum depression as well.  You need to do whatever you can to make this time easier on yourself.  Both of my children were formula-fed.  They are thriving.  I found one of the hidden benefits of this was that my husband was able to take half the night feedings; the extra sleep seemed to help with the depression.  Having a fully-functioning mother will help your children the most in the long-run.

I would start around 4 ounces and see if the baby finishes it.  With mine, I would increase the amount of formula by one ounce as soon as they start finishing the whole bottle regularly.  This lets the baby control the feeding without wasting a lot of formula.

Good luck!

Anne, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.  Do you have a really good breastpump (like a Medela double pump which might be more efficient?).  I second the others who advised not to feel guilty if you end up switching completely to formula.  For the part of the day that he’s formula-feeding, you can probably feed him every 3 -4 hours while he’s awake, and let him sleep as long as he wants once he goes down for the night.  I would say probably make a 6-ounce bottle, and let him take what he wants from it.  He’ll let you know when he’s done, and he’ll let you know when he’s ready for his next feeding.  Good luck!

Hopefully noone takes this the wrong way, but I wanted to say what I think I would want to hear in your situation:

keep nursing!  You CAN do it!   Obviously, you are at a point in your nursing relationship where you need to supplement with formula - a happy mama is a healthy mama.  However, that doesn’t mean you have to not nurse at all.  You are a great mama no matter how you feed your baby but if you desire to continue nursing in whatever capacity you are able to, than rock on mama!

I only say this because I just recently read an article about a PPD mama who wanted to continue nursing as able while on meds and received NO support - everyone said stop, you dont need to, give yourself a break etc - but what she really wanted to hear was encouragement about this one thing that seemed to be going well for her and her daughter.

If your actual nursing isn’t causing you stress (ie. when your son breastfeeds, the actual feeding goes well), than keeping that in your life can HELP with PPD - the bonding hormones of nursing are uppers and for a disease that often makes mamas feel anxious, failures at motherhood and the like, your nursing can be a positive - something that you are INDEED good at, that you are able to provide for your child.

You might want to try weaning yourself from the pump if you think it wont affect supply - one less stress thing to worry about.  Than you can focus on getting better and the good part of your nursing relationship.  Like some above posters said, it shouldn’t take that long to “empty” the breast - 15-30 minutes should be enough.  Remember, pumping wont necessarily yield the same amount as nursing, so i’m not sure if you’re waiting for the right number of ounces.

anyways - prayers for you and please, i didn’t mean this as some kind of supermama guilt trip, just as encouragement for your desire to continue nursing if its what you want to do!

Anne, after I returned to part time work when my son was 7 weeks old, I tried hard to pump and give him exclusive breastmilk.  I soon became overwhelmed.  I was only able to pump on my lunch break and so could not pump enough to feed him.  I supplemented with formula.  I nursed him when I had him, pumped during lunch 3 times a week (the days I worked) and I had no problem keeping up my milk supply.  I agree with those who say not to feel guilty about going all-formula, that’s perfectly fine.  But I just want to point out that all this pumping may not be necessary.  Check with a lactation consultant, but the drug may dissipate from the milk after a certain amount of time.  Only pump what you need to to reduce the amount of drug he gets and don’t fret about the milk supply.

Well said, Lina.

Anne, as regards NFP, please see whether there’s a FertilityCare (NaPro) practitioner in your area, it really is the gold standard in NFP. I am currently breastfeeding my 6th baby and for the first time the uncertainty and self doubt have disappeared. We are also on the position that a pregnancy would be imprudent due to this baby’s serious health issues.
I will be praying for you,
Jennifer

I’m sorry if this irritates you, but have you talked to your doctor about switching medications? There are quite a few approved for breastfeeding, and another one may not affect your son in the same way. I’m sorry you’re going through this problem, but I would contact LLL and ask for their advice and support. Breastfeeding is very satisfying and I would love for you to have your easy relationship with your baby back. Good luck!

WOW! You ladies are the best!

Just to be clear, I’m not pumping to keep up supply; I’m pumping to dump the medicated milk. It takes nearly an hour because I have to be sure the breast is completely empty before switching sides, and I have an abundant supply—we even had over-supply and hyperactive let-down difficulties at first. If I decide to keep it up, I’ll probably get or rent a double pump (I have the Medela Swing right now, and I LOVE it).

Gennie—no offense taken. It’s very reasonable advice! I’m on the safest meds for breastfeeding—Zoloft—and my dose is only 1/4 the regular dose. Both baby and I seem to be very sensitive to the medicine. My doctor is very hesitant to try a different medication since the others are all known to have worse side effects for both mom and baby.

I’m going to see how it goes with the pumping. I LOVE nursing him, and he’s generally good at the breast. Praise God, we are well-off and can have help around the house and someone to come help with the boys most days. That has gone a long way toward minimizing the stress and the impact of the PPD on the kids. We’ll see how it goes. If it gets to be too much to pump everyday, then we’ll wean him fully to formula. Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement! God bless.

Anne, I was so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have seen your compassionate and well thought out posts on here before.  I am really sorry you are going through this.

Are there any PostPartum support groups in your area? There’s an amazing local one here in West Michigan that hooks moms up with volunteers (like free postpartum doulas) in an effort to ease the burden on women, especially women so far from their familial support systems. 

I would say go with your heart on this one. I went through PPD and I pumped due to low milk supply.  It was hard and I only had the baby.  But I loved nursing him and that made me feel good. 

I would make sure you don’t have any undue fear about formula though- my milk supply really was stressed when my depression got worse, around 9 mos pp, and I was soooo frightened of formula (of allergies) and really, my poor son could have, should have been eating more.  He’s ok, but the guilt still hurts looking back.  I still urge him to eat more at 19 mos now, wondering if he’d be bigger if I hadn’t done that.

So, is there any way you can reach out for more help? OR make life simpler for a while, even if that means a few too many meals of easy dinners like rotisserie chicken and boxed mashed potatoes?

Praying for you.

What do you do when she hits/kicks, etc.?
Is it usually regarding sharing issues or does it happen over other things as well? (e.g. Mama told me to sit down nicely and I’m upset so I’ll kick her)

I usually send her to time out for 5 minutes.  I try not to get upset, but state “we do not hit people….this is not a reason to hit, if you are angry or upset, you can hit a pillow.”  We’ve talked about this when she is not upset as well.  Granted, I don’t say this every time, but at least once daily when it happens.

It is not just over toys, it is if she doesn’t want her hair combed, she will hit me, but mostly it is between her 3 year old sister and herself.  She does tend to have a “harder” touch with the baby though as well (when she helps me burp her or when she is just touching her hand, it is a full on grip).

I think 4 1/2 is too young for most of the children who will be helped by The Explosive Child.  Try Raising Your Spirited Child to see if that helps.  It definitely covers sensory issues.  RYSC helped me with my son when he was little, TEC helped me with that same child now that he’s older.

Have you read anything by Dr Ray Guarendi, a Catholic psychologist ( he’s on EWTN and also on catholic radio stations ‘the Doctor is in’ ? He’s fantastic on these sorts of issues..maybe you could even ring his show?
Good Luck and Congratulations on the new baby!!
Jennifer

I cannot recommend the books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka enough - Spirited Child; Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles.  She does a wonderful job describing young ones who have temperamental characteristics that can be a challenge to handle, distractibility being one of them.  She is so incredibly positive and provides relevant, useful advice for everything (bedtime, meals, dressing, etc.)  Hope this helps!

Recently I read something about diet and ADD, but I can’t remember exactly what it was.  You could probably google it and find out.  I think it was sonething about certain foods triggering symptoms.  But I am convinced that our diets, especially sugar, and other processed foods wreak havoc with our bodies and minds.  Wish I had more concrete info. to give you.  God bless.

I think that you can feel better about your TV time then you are given that it has only increased in the last year.  The studies are showing the correlation is really between how much kids watch through age 2—the younger the kid the more effects!  Having said that as a physician you cannot diagnose kids with ADD/ADHD until they are older—typically age 7 but it can be as low as 5 with really siginificant cases.  With the younger kids I usually get a specialist involved (I am family practice) to be sure.  Having said that I will get on my soapbox about ADHD with the following points:
  1. Some kids just need more disciipline and more consistency—the medical profession probably does over diagnose this illness.  If none of your other kids have similar problems your child is probably not in this catagory.
  2.  Kids who have the correct diagnosis of ADHD are often some of my most pleasurable patients to treat because when you treat this disorder you can make a HUGE difference in that child’s entire life . . . so if you child continues to have problems once he hits kindergarten age and it is determined that he does have ADHD don’t be scared to treat him.  I have had kids go from being the bully of the playground (trying to stab anyone/thing with any object that has a point, hitting, swearing, failing school) to nice kids who have friends and do well in school.
  3.  There are tons of diets out there aimed at ADHD.  I have never found one that worked when someone other then the orginator of the diet ran a study that looked at the outcome of the diet.  Having said that I do think that sometimes the diets seem to work because they are often very restrictive and require massive amounts of time/energy to follow and the child gets a ton of very focused attention and positive feedback . . . see point number 1.  This is my own theory after watching people in clinic.  There is no science backing up my theory and if someone wants to disagree they can and I do not want to offend anyone . . . so my apologies in advance as I am just saying what I have observed in my clinic.
  4.  Most toddlers are very distractible—can you compare him to some kids outside of your family?  Your older kids may have just been better toddlers—it is not unheard of to have the youngest be a little different. LOL (I have 6 and my number 5 is a toddler right now and I swear she is not related to any of her siblings and somedays (read every day right now) I am ready to sell her to the circus (obviously I am a SAHM righ now!)  IF there is a huge difference and you are really concerned bring it up at your well-child visit as there might be other issues as well.
  5.  Good luck and I will pray for you!

Here is a website I found a while ago about ADHD and diet: http://feingold.org/.  I used to read John Rosemond, a psychologist that writes newspaper columns, and I think he said something like 2 year olds are the definition of ADD. :>)  Good luck!

I’m so sorry for your loss. My miscarriage was in September 2009, and I was very sad (and gun shy about getting pregnant again) for a long time. You may not “get over it,” but it will be less painful as time goes by. Continue to pray and rely on God’s healing. Although it wasn’t comforting at the time, I am now comforted by the knowledge that I have a little one in heaven waiting for me. I am pregnant again (28 weeks), and I often ask my baby in heaven to pray for his little sister’s health. Medically, because of my earlier miscarriage my doctor was extremely vigilant about my progesterone levels with this pregnancy. They were quite low during my first trimester and I needed both oral supplements and twice weekly injections. Those interventions gave me confidence about the success of this pregnancy (as did a couple of early ultrasounds), but I was still very nervous to get pregnant and until the first trimester was over. I’ll pray for you.

So sorry for your loss.  Having had two miscarriages myself, I agree with the other reply here: I don’t know if you ever really “get over it.”  Certainly the pain lessens, but that grief can always kind of lurk and you stay a bit gun-shy for other pregnancies, especially until you get past the point where you lost the others.  I also agree that the progesterone and early ultrasounds help to ease that worry somewhat, but the nerve-wrackingness of motherhood just does start that early. 
I had a very hard time asking my baby’s intercession for me - I wanted to take care of my baby and it was so hard to feel that those roles were reversed - but it was easier once I had other kids (we lost our first and third pregnancies) as it felt easier on my heart asking the babies to watch out for their siblings.

Dear Grieving, I am so sorry for your loss!  I miscarried when my DD was 18 months old, and I didn’t get out of bed for two weeks.  It was the most physically and emotionally exhausting thing I’d ever been through.  I wasn’t totally prepared for how draining the whole thing was.  Get some help with the housework, help with your little one, order takeout, do whatever you need to do.  Were it not for my very active toddler, I probably would’ve stayed in bed much longer. 

The one thing I did that seemed to help was get out of the house.  Everyone is different, but after about two weeks, I was ready to try and muddle through the day again as best I could.  My little one kept me very busy.  Also, talk to your husband; you’re in this together and it’s important to communicate how you’re feeling.  I also remember that it was very hard for me to be around pregnant women.  I had to get blood taken at the hospital and there were three pregnant women ahead of me doing their glucose tests; it was almost unbearable to be around them at the time.  I felt badly about that, but then I read that it’s very normal. 

I was also worried about miscarrying again, and I found some comfort in my midwife telling me that, “Many women have miscarriages sprinkled between healthy pregnancies.” She was totally right-  I was pregnant a month later and went on to have a very healthy baby.  The midwives were good about doing two early ultrasounds to reassure me that everything was going well.  I’ve had several friends have a similar experience.  Blessings and prayers.

My whole comment is down below, but I also remembered, I desperately wanted to hold my baby after the miscarriage, I had such aching empty arms. A stuffed animal is NOT the same as a baby, but it gave me something to hold and squeeze and cry against when I felt my empty arms.

Also, As soon as I started to bleed, I had an ultrasound taken. If you had this done, they can go back into the machine and get a picture for you if they saw the baby.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had three miscarriages, my last one, last Summer was especially painful since I think it was probably my last baby. I am so thankful for the four beautiful babies I have, but that one still stays with me. We had just moved to a new city before that pregnancy, and something I learned in my new Parish was that there was a special Blessing in the Book of Blessings that a Priest can say over you and your spouse after miscarriage. Since this was an early one, I had no baby to bury, so the special Blessing was very meaningful and comforting to me. It only took about five minutes, but helped a lot. Check with your priest for a special prayer and blessing if you think it may comfort you.

Dear Grieving,
    I am praying for you.  I went through 2 miscarriages after having my son and they were both at about 13 weeks. I agree with everything the other posters have said.  While I wasn’t very strong in my faith when I had both miscarriages, a friend of ours suggested wearing a green scapular and asking the Blessed Mother for her intercession.  I had an old Mother’s manual ( which had been my mother’s) and I found the same prayer someone else posted here.  I also prayed with the Rosary daily and didn’t even know how to pray as it should be prayed, but it really helped me to #1 learn the prayers and #2 feel so comforted ” talking” to our Mother .  With my 4th pregnancy, my hormone levels were off and my Dr prepared me for another miscarriage, but I was determined our Blessed Mother would be with me and this baby ( I just couldn’t bear going through another miscarriage).  I was due in mid April and my daughter was very late… and waited to be born on May 1st ( the month of Mary).  I still grieve the loss of my other two children.  Another note to miscarriages, we need to also pray for our husbands.  They too feel pain during this time which I didn’t realize when I had my miscarriages. With both of my miscarriages I had to have a D & C and both times the recovery room was next to birthing rooms, so you can hear moms as they are giving birth.  It was heart wrentching.  The miscarriages affected my husband so much that after our daughter was born he insisted on having a vasectomy.  He didn’t want us to go through the pain of any more miscarriages, which the Dr insisted would happen to us again. :-(  Sadly, if we had been stronger in our Catholic faith at the time ( and had gone to another Dr), he wouldn’t have even thought of that.  I’m praying for all of you who are suffering with miscarriages.  God bless you.

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss.  I, too, have experienced it, three times.  We got through it by making sure that we named our babies, and by reminding ourselves that not only can they now intercede for us in Heaven, but it gives us that much more determination to get there one day ourselves, where we will be reunited with them.  It’s so important to give yourself permission to grieve.  I found with my second and third miscarriages, it really helped that I had children already, because I had some “baby flesh” to hang onto, rather than just empty arms, like the first time with my very first pregnancy.  I actually blogged about this recently if you’re interested in a more lengthy answer.  The post is called “No Pain, No Gain,” I think.  Clicking on my name will bring you to my blog.  I’ve also read some really neat ideas about designing a simple Christmas ornament with the baby’s name and date of the miscarriage, as a reminder of your little saint in heaven.  Just to encourage you, I know it is so hard to not worry about future pregnancies, but miscarriages are so much more common than I ever realized, and having one doesn’t necessarily mean that you will again.  I have eight living children as well, so I’m proof that there is hope!  God bless.  I will be praying for you.

I think your son and his girlfriend’s conversations are normal. Part of being in a relationship is planning and thinking about your future together, even if there is zero chance of any of it actually coming true. It sound like you have a great son who will be strong enough in faith to handle those who believe differently from him, now and in the future. I think your dh is right, he just needs to mature a little bit.

I don’t think the conversations sound like too much to worry about, especially if they are both sticking to ab open relationship which, as far as I know, means “non-exclusive,” neither would be jealous if the other was dating/spending time with someone else.  I’d make sure ds feels like he can navigate this first big crush *with* you, not hidden from you.  You want him to learn to sort through conflicting feelings and thoughts about relationships with your guidance, not jump into it unassisted when he’s away at college.  For example, attraction and fun friendship can be present along with the mental certainty that, due to religious differences or whatever, marriage wouldn’t be wise - but how do you tell your typical high school girl that without creating a ton of drama…  Plenty of people end up in bad relationships b/c they let their emotions override their good sense and you want ds to learn how to really evaluate a relationship in the right way, but so that *he* can eventually do all the evaluating (which he will at some point in time) rather than you just telling him.  So he maybe needs to feel like he can discuss his feelings for the girl/the state of their relationship with you or dh, with it just being a discussion or gentle guidance, not a “well, we just won’t let you see her anymore and that will solve it.”  Sounds like you’re on the right track with that since he has some freedom to see her in groups and talk/text, but still with your supervision of what’s going on.

I cannot recommend highly enough three books on this topic:  “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” and “Boy Meets Girl,” both by Josh Harris, not Catholic, but from a very solid Christian perspective, and the novel “Arms of Love” by Carmen Marcoux.  This is a Catholic novel that deals with guarding your heart and staying chaste, but in a story format with very likeable characters.  We have made them required reading for our teens.  The novel is easy reading and my son (15) and daughter (13) both liked it.  I’ve read it three times, and found it to be an awesome example of a godly approach to relationships, which is so hard to find in our culture.  I was just telling my hubby tonight that I wish I had had these books when I was a teenager.  They would have saved me a lot of heartache.  God bless.

I appreciate your responses, it really helps me to see this issue more clearly.  Thank you Colleen for the book recommendations!  I have often seen Arms of Love and wondered if it was worth buying.  I’m looking for any recommendations for books, so I really appreciate these titles.  My son does love to read and he usually reads most books I have given him, especially novels. How true about trying to teach a godly approach to relationships!!  It certainly is so hard to find these days! 

Thank you !

Monica, thank you for sharing this beautiful prayer.  I have never seen it before.  I will be praying for you, too, as you continue to grieve the loss of your little one.  I know how hard it is, even with a good holy perspective.  I admire you for taking the time to reach out to another in the midst of your own grief.  GOd bless you!