Signs of Grace

"And a certain sign of grace is this / from broken earth flowers come up / pushing through the dirt" - David Crowder Band

One of the joys that I most looked forward to, when I knew we were finally going to buy our own house, was planting some good old fashioned perennial flowers.  It never made sense to plant bulbs in the fall when we were renting, because we never knew for sure if we'd be there in the spring to see them (OK, maybe that's a lousy attitude - after all, they would have blessed *someone*, but anyway, we wanted to see them come up as well as go into the ground).  So last fall, I eagerly selected, ordered, and planted tulip, crocus, and daffodil bulbs.  Most went in our flower bed at the front of our house, but on a whim, I also put about 10 extra daffodil bulbs around a tree in the backyard. 

What I didn't know was that squirrels really like bulbs.  They didn't go after the ones in the flower bed, which were covered in cedar mulch (maybe they couldn't smell them?) but the very next day, the daffodil bulbs around the tree were dug out and laying on the ground.  Naively, I tucked them back in... and the next day, they were gone entirely.  I searched the holes, I searched the surrounding ground and our yard - nothing.  Not a bulb to be found.  Obviously, I wasn't pleased at this news, and all winter, whenever I'd mention the bulbs, I would also mention those "stupid squirrels," and how next year I'd need to plant things under chicken wire to keep the predators at bay.

On the last day of January, I was excited to see one little tiny crocus shoot push through in the flower bed.  At the same time, I wanted to say, "too soon!  go back!" but I guess it knew what it was about, because it's not like we got much snow the rest of the winter.

The month of February, my mind was occupied with other things.  I was sad, I was distracted, and I didn't pay much attention to the flowers.

And now?  We have baby plants, with the promise of flowers soon to come:

Crocuses:

Tulips:



Daffodils:



And, more daffodils:

That's right.  Those were my "lost bulbs".  The squirrels didn't get them after all - just buried them better.  What I thought was lost and gone for good, is blooming right in my backyard.  It feels like a reminder, a sign, a sacramental of sorts, at a moment mid-Lent when I was really needing just such a "touch" from above.  As such, while I'm enjoying my front yard flowers, those back yard ones are holding a special spot in my heart.

Because, you see, it hasn't been an easy year.  Not just the miscarriage, but it has seemed quite overwhelmingly like my every desire and plan and goal has been untimely thwarted.  From big things, like our hopes for a September baby (I can't help but remember daily how far along I would have been at this point - for example, I likely would have been feeling little Julian move by this week), to silly little ones like wanting to secure a community garden spot for the year, or wanting our kitchen floor done by my birthday.  Every time I start to think I've got something to hold on to, a goal, a future to set my sights on, no matter how small, it disappears, and I'm brought up short again.

The thing is, I'm beginning to see the reason behind the pattern.  It's all about hope, and faith, and having my sights set on the right thing.  About contentment with the things I have, and making do, patience, and perseverance.  Finding hope and sufficiency in what does come my way, instead of what I want...

Learning to be a shoot in our Father's hands, growing through the dirt, towards His light, and not my own.

And so, I take great joy in waiting and watching as He makes the flowers bloom.  I miss the hope of a soon-to-be born baby, but take comfort in the daughter I already have.  I'm also finding myself thankful that, while it's not what I would have wished or preferred, we've had the chance to transition her to her own bed at night *without* a looming deadline or anxiety on my part. 

As for the garden, well, there are many ways to the same end.  Getting wait-listed for the community garden has meant that I've started researching container gardening, raised bed gardening, and refining my goals and desires for what to grow this year (if you're wondering why we're not just going to garden in the same plot we tilled last year, we're planning to plant evergreens there, to shield our yard from a winter-long view of Big Lots, and also to help block the thicket of poison ivy from continuing to encroach on our land).  In other words, being forced to take a step back may turn into a blessing of its own.

It's a lesson I feel forced to learn again and again, especially in this whole home-ownership business, but it's a valuable lesson for a parent,  or spouse, or frankly anyone growing in faith, to learn: to work with the reality of what IS, rather than constantly pining after what you would have BE.  Sure, I'd love a 2500 sq foot house, with flowing, open, separate living/dining/kitchen spaces, tiled ample baths, and a laundry room (oh, and several acres of land).  What I have instead is a 1300 sq foot house with a 12 by 12 kitchen and no dining room (nor, if you're wondering, do we have tiled baths or a laundry room.  We have a truly tiny full bath, and a half bath that was built into what was originally a closet, and a basement to do laundry in).  But, we're learning to work with the space, and embrace what makes it best rather than trying to cram ideas from our vision of "the perfect home" into a space that frankly can't accommodate them.  Same with the yard; same with the limited hours of my life; and same with the people in that life, whether spouse, child, or extended family.  My daughter is shy, and she's not going to be the extroverted little girl across the road anytime soon.  But yesterday, she willingly chose to go across the street with my neighbor, by herself, (without me!) for about a half an hour, which is an epic milestone in her life.  If I insisted on her being exactly what society would have her be (or what I myself might have her be), I'd be disappointed at how she still "fell short".  But by seeing her as she really is, I can rejoice and enjoy the little successes, and the slow blossoming of who she is meant to be.  And, by truly accepting and learning to work with instead of against the limitations of my life, I'm a much happier person: not futilely straining against mountains that I can't move, but flowing along like a river between them.

So that's where I'm at, this Lent.  Learning persistence, faith, hope, and contentment.  I'm not sure why we can't ever learn these things except for "the hard way"... I guess outside of Eden, the hard way was the only way left.

A blessed St. Patrick's day to all!

Catching up...

I thought I was so busy, back when I had a newborn in the house, but still, somehow, I found time to write.  Once that newborn was a two-year-old, though, it seemed like life, which had been in some ways "standing still" for a time, just took wings.  I can't say for certain that I've been "busier" in any real sense of the word; we still only leave home a couple of times a week for any real meetings or errands or visits (if that), I still work the same 15 hours a week for the same company, we still spend our days with books and toys and games, but life just feels faster.  Perhaps because I've been spending more time just living life, and less time documenting it... or perhaps because toddlers only nap, say, an hour or two a day, vs the four or so hours of total nap time she had when she was under a year.  Regardless, my writing time has been seriously curtailed - I don't know how moms of many littles manage it!

Anyway, I'm back, for now.  I can't promise how regularly I'll be able to "stop in," but hopefully more often than once every six months!

As for specific things that have kept me busy since I last had time or energy or the will to write: I'll share in a few bullet points, and then hope and pray to find the time later to expand on all of these elements.

1) Halloween:  you may or may not celebrate it (I know people in both camps), but I grew up with a dad who was very into the whole pumpkin carving, handing out candy, trick or treating thing, and we were excited for the first year that it made sense to take LW out.  We just went up and down our street - to less than 10 houses - but she had a blast, especially eating the candy once we were home, and my husband and I (true children of the eighties) got a huge kick out of dressing her up as Princess Leia, complete with the "cinnamon bun" hairstyle:

When your two-year-old has the hair of a six-year-old (seriously, it's already down to her waist!), and you take care of that hair on a regular basis, I believe that it is well within your right as a parent to occasionally pin it up in ways that she may not yet understand the point of :)

2) Autumn, and then winter, and Christmas, were lovely.  We've had a curiously snow-less winter in VT: quite seriously, I don't think we've had a single snowstorm with more than a foot of snow, and I can only remember three storms that dropped around six inches.  For most of the winter the ground was bare, and I noticed my crocus buds just beginning to peak through on Jan 31.  Which is kind of ridiculous, and fortunately they've had the good sense to not do much more than that yet.  They are currently covered with about three inches of white stuff that fell two days ago and will likely be gone again in a week.  The skiers and snowboarders (and seasonal tourist businesses) are mourning such a winter, but in truth, I've loved it.  I only enjoy snow for a few weeks anyway, so I haven't minded the lack, and we got enough last winter (here's a photo of our car in our driveway at our old apartment last February):  yes, the snowbanks were quite literally taller than the car)

that I'm actually secretly rejoicing at a winter relatively free of the stuff.  Of course, after saying that, we'll probably get a whole winter worth of accumulation during the months of March, April, and May...

Fortunately, my daughter did get one chance, during the first real "storm" of the year, to build a snowman:

and that's pretty much the only snow event I cared to take part in this year, anyway.

3) Christmas with a two and a half year old, who was finally a little bit cognizant of what the holiday was and could be about, was truly fabulous.  She was so excited about everything - from getting the tree, to the nativity, to presents and visits with family - and it helped us get excited again, too.  Plus, it was our first Christmas in our house, which made it extra special.  Here's a picture of LW and I, right before Christmas Eve Mass, with our extra-lovely tree in the background:

4) LW's "big present" for Christmas was a whole bunch of handmade felt food (I went a little crazy making them, but it was just so much fun!), and a re-purposed entertainment center turned into a mini fridge.  That is all a post for another day, but here's just a teaser of what the fridge looks like (disregard scary basement chaos in the background):

The fridge transformation, plus the felt food, plus lots of other "handmades" for Christmas gifts, kept me very busy during the months of November and December.

5) New Year's day brought some very exciting news: I took a test, and discovered that we were expecting an addition to the family.  A month of highs and lows followed, as we alternately rejoiced over the happy news, and stressed over what this would mean for LW, nursing, co-sleeping, my job, our financial situation, etc.  Sadly, all those fears were resolved in the most disappointing way of all: not by walking through them and seeing how they would all amount to nothing, but by learning on Feb 3 that our baby's heartbeat, seen only a week before, had already stopped.  Fortunately, the news wasn't a complete surprise, since I'd had suspicions from the beginning, having not felt as sick, or tired, as I did with LW

However, there have been some bright spots even so.  An old friendship, lying relatively dormant for years, re-bloomed in the midst of this sadness.  The kindness of some family and friends, even flowers from my very secular workplace, made me feel loved and uplifted.  And reading, meditating, realizing that our second little baby, who will never be forgotten, is now interceding for us, in a very special way, in heaven: little Julian Alexis, named for Blessed Julian of Norwich ("all shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”) and for St. Alexis, a name which put together means "youthful defender".  I've come to strongly realize in the past few weeks exactly what it means to have such an intercessor in heaven - and how clear it has become already that he/she (we won't know our baby's gender for sure till heaven, and I didn't have a strong feeling either way, so we chose a name that could fit either a him or a her) is cheering us on, longing even more than us for our family to eventually be all together.

6) And that brings us to now, and to Lent.  For obvious reasons, I didn't feel very much like having to go through Lent this year.  Inside, I was rebelling: "haven't I suffered, lost, sacrificed enough already! I don't need this right now," and having to fast on Ash Wednesday, when I would have been around 12 weeks pregnant and happily "exempt," felt like another kick in the teeth.  (Of course, I DO still have a nursling, and I actually plan to take it easy on Good Friday because even though LW "doesn't nurse that much" anymore, she still actually probably nurses 4-5 times a day and a goodly bit at night, and I noticed my milk supply TANK on Ash Wednesday and the day after - a good sign that my body does still need nourishment to in turn nourish her).  But as I try to turn my will back to God, and realize that maybe we need Lent most when we feel like we need it least, or when we want it least... I begin to see the ways in which He is trying to shape my heart during this season.  To see what is important and what is not; to realize that I am "dust, and to dust will return," and to hear in those words that dust becomes so much more than dust when it is breathed into and animated by His Spirit; to learn that carrying our crosses means holding them close, and walking after Him even when life is hard.  It is hard medicine, but then again, Lent always is.

So - that is where I (and we) are at these days.  It is not the year I had planned in my mind; I still can't believe that I'm slipping back into my skinny jeans, not pulling out the maternity wardrobe; that I won't be hugely pregnant mid-summer; that sushi and sandwich meat are once again fair game.  What hit home the most a few nights ago was realizing that LW's birth left visible marks on my body - stretch marks that will never go away, whereas Julian's existence (for she/he still exists, and as L'Engle said, "every life is noted and cherished, / And nothing loved is ever lost or perished") has left "stretch marks" only on my heart and soul.  Before we knew I was pregnant, and then even after, I thought about how I would mourn the loss of our perfect three-some family; when I knew that I was miscarrying, some part of me thought we'd just go back to the same as before, but I now know there is no going back.  We aren't a triangle anymore, even though it still looks like it in the world's eyes.   Somewhere, safe in God's arms, is a child who is known and Named by Him...

Not the year I would have planned, but the year He planned, instead.  So be it.  We'll see where else the year takes us.

On a lighter note: stay tuned (though don't hold your breath) for, hopefully, posts on my toddler fridge project, our slowly progressing house improvements, and other sundries.  Until then - a blessed Lent to all - and please pray for us.

Sometimes you just have to post *something* to get back in the game.

It's been months since I've written anything here - I have so much to say, and catch up on, and yet only have about five minutes free, so I can't really do any actual catching up.  But, in order to get over the paralyzing "I haven't written in months" feeling, and be able to get on to some real posting sometime soon, I thought I'd better just say something, anything, to start back up.

Life has been going, per usual, at a crazy pace.  It was busy with a two-year-old and working, but somehow moving into our house brought about ten times more craziness.  We've had re-grading and landscaping to do, gutters to install, a new boiler is coming, lots of painting on the horizon; in short, the usual with any house, but our daily cup of activities surely runneth over. And then of course our state got slammed by a hurricane on Sunday.  We were very fortunate in that we had no ill effects from the storm - our leak prone basement didn't even have more than a few wet patches on the walls (which is remarkable, given that when we moved in every storm brought huge puddles on the floor; go gutters!)

It's hard to believe that the summer is nearly over, but every morning now brings a chill that quickly reminds me of how few weeks are left before it is truly cold.  Since for so long my year revolved to the 4-H calendar, our weather now is what I immediately think of as "Rutland Fair" weather; rapidly cooling, but with still warm days, still shorts and t-shirts most of the time, even if the morning is cool enough for jeans and a sweater.  It stands in sharp contrast to "Addison Field Days" weather, though, which is generally blazingly hot, tank tops, sweat, icy drinks, and the promise of a drenching evening thunderstorm.  We're not yet at "Eastern States Expo" weather yet, though, when you open your door early in the morning to a frosty smell in the air that hints of snow, and when modeling a woolen outfit suddenly sounds like an awesome, rather than tortuous, idea.

I haven't done much in the way of preserving this summer: see the rant above about being so busy, but I have found the time to start putting away the bounty of (intentionally planted, this year) cherry tomatoes that has begun to come in.  Aside from the tomatoes, and my herbs, which have done extraordinarily well, the garden was mostly a bust this year.  I don't know if it was the weather, the soil, when I planted, or just that I didn't choose varieties carefully enough, but almost everything "got" something.  The tomatoes have blight (though cherry tomatoes grow fast enough to stay ahead of it for most of the season).  The zucchinis were taken out by vine borers (after a good harvest of about six fruits).  The summer squash succumbed to powdery mildew (smaller harvest than the zucchini), and so did the pumpkins (which have yet to set any fruit, and most likely won't at this point).  Since it was too late in the season to plant much else when we moved in, it felt a bit like a failure.  But I've decided to turn it into a learning experience, and I definitely know what to look out for next year when choosing plants and seeds.

Overall though I'm really sad to see summer end this year.  For some reason fall this year is bringing all sorts of thoughts of mortality, and the shortness of life.  I'm excited about apple picking, Halloween, and walks in crisp fallen foliage, but I'm really, really not ready for the months of winter.  Not ready to be stuck inside all winter with an extremely energetic two-year-old (though fortunately, we've made a friend across the street); not ready to give up weekly walks to the library, my newly rediscovered love of running (but it's oh so hard to keep going once the snow builds up on the sidewalks), or frankly, to pack away my capris for jeans and wool socks.  But being inevitable, I'm trying to accept the season change gracefully, and find good in whatever comes my way.

Anyway, my five minutes has come and gone, so I'll wrap it up.  Soon to come, though, if I can find another spare minute here or there: yarn along updates, pictures of our house (and house progress), and other random ramblings!   I hope you all are well, and haven't completely given up on me.

Truly, I haven't died...

An update in bullet-point form, just to summarize the last month or so:

• We found, and made an offer on, a house at the beginning of May
• The offer was accepted, but we had to scramble to meet some requirements for our mortgage loan, due to using the VA option (such as getting carpet installed in the property, and scraping and painting peeling window and roof trim)
• This rather unbalanced my work schedule, mental health, housework, and of course, LW's finally-tuned schedule
• We closed on the house the second weekend in June, and proceeded to move.
• Moving with a two year old, even two towns over, is a major hassle.
• Did I mention that LW turned two in the midst of this chaos?  We're bad parents.  We didn't do much to celebrate.  I gave her chocolate icecream with a candle on top and called it good.  But we're planning a dual house-warming/two year birthday party for next month.
• After being in the house about a week, we discovered a section of mold in the basement.
• Panic ensued, but it looks like it'll be ok with some fairly limited cleanup.
• My mind is also full of all sorts of quotes and such for other projects that need to happen.
• Also, I managed to plant our rather minimal garden.  I will take pictures of many things soon!
• Not much knitting lately.  I finished a baby shower present for a friend of mine, but then the house saga began.  However I now have a dedicated office/craft room, so that will help. 
• Of course, there's little time to knit, what with hanging blinds and needing to paint, and still unpacking, and such.
• I look forward to a time six months from now when I'm no longer freaking out about the possibility of mold in our walls, or an unknown pest invasion, or that my daughter is slowly being poisoned by lead paint.  Seriously - I think it would have been easier to live at a time when we weren't so well educated... a little lack of knowledge can actually be good for you...

Anyway, that's what's going on here.  I want to get back to writing more regularly, I really do, but my to-do-list is seriously a mile long!  When I get caught up, though, I'll post some pictures as well as share the story of how we found our house (and the ups and downs and all arounds of the process).  It's a compromise - it doesn't have the couple of acres of "room for a horse", rather is in a suburban village and has about 1/6 of an acre little tiny lot.  But there is a big enough back yard, and we have a small garden, and the neighbors so far seem nice, and we're walking distance to lots of good things (yarn shop, great library with fabulous kids section, shopping complex, parks, a church, etc), so it's not a bad compromise all and all.  And, my husband only has to drive 15 minutes to work, instead of the 45 it would have taken from anywhere that did have room for a horse.  Evidently a horse isn't a part of the current "blessing-package" :)

Hope you all are well!  Pray for us, in this transition, please!

Meanwhile...

While life continues at the aforementioned hectic pace, here's a little something to tide all my readers over: I've got a guest post up over at Catholic Mothers Online today.  Go on over and read about 4-H: is it 4-U?

I should of course mention that I could have written so much more about 4-H.  We're supposed to keep it under 900 words, so I did, but I had to trim like crazy to even meet that.  How do you sum up something that shaped your life so dramatically?  Something that has given you a substantial number of the skills you are proud of, many of the friends you hold dear, and the lion's share of memories from your childhood?  We, of course, were probably a more-than-typically involved 4-H family.  We didn't "do" team sports, and 4-H was our substitute.  The year turned according to the 4-H calendar: monthly meetings, Sheep Camp, Addison Field Days, VT State Fair, Eastern States Exposition... events that I attended nearly every year for almost 20 years, and that now, several years later, I still miss, and yet can picture with incredible clarity in my mind.

Anyway, check out the post.  Yes, the photos are vintage shots of me, circa... 1998, from actual sheep show events (reason enough to check it out!).  But seriously, if you have 4-H-age children, or even if you don't (it's never too early to start planning ahead!), I encourage you to think about whether this is a program that might fit into your family's life.  We loved it, and I bet you would, too.

Things and Stuff

Wow.  I know I've been really quiet lately, but I promise, I've got a good reason!  Life has been so very busy this month.  All the usual chaos has been present, plus - drum roll please - it looks like, Lord willing, we're probably going to be purchasing and moving into a house early next month!

That, of course, is a story in and of itself.  Nothing is for certain yet, so I won't tell the whole story until it is, but suffice it to say that we're cautiously optimistic, and as long as the various inspections and appraisals and legal stuff goes according to plan, we'll soon be homeowners.  It's been a long time coming.  We're pretty excited about it all; of course, with the state of the world these days, and the economy and all that, no home purchase (unless you're quite well off, which we are not) comes without compromise, and this is no exception.  We had to give up or put on hold some dreams in order to move forward with others, but all in all, I think we'll be happy with it.  And, there is a neighbor across the road with a daughter only two weeks older than LW, and who is expecting another baby girl in July, so I'm hopeful that we'll even be able to make some new friends in the neighborhood.

Incidentally, I've decided that the process of home searching, home buying, and moving is far, far more complicated than the process of planning a wedding and getting married was.  And that is saying something, because I really thought that was the biggest "planning" ordeal I'd ever have to go through.  Maybe it's just because it all happens in a much shorter time frame, though.

In other news, LW turns *two* in just a couple of weeks, as well.  I can't believe how the time has flown.  It seems like the first year of her life went by so much slower.  I think in the first year I was so focused on her: her needs, her growth and development, that I didn't have any time or energy (or truth be told, any interest) in my pre-baby activities or interests.  This year, that interest and energy returned, even if time remained limited, and at the same time, she grew more a tiny bit more independent, and more able to be a part of activities.  Thus, this year it feels like our family is back to "normal" - but a new normal, of which she is a crucial part, if that makes any sense!  I can't wait to see what this year of her life will bring, as she becomes more verbal, and even more capable.  It's hard to remember what life was like before her...

As a complication of life being so up in the air (in that we don't actually 100% know where we'll be a month from now), I haven't been able to start a garden yet this year, and I really miss it.  I'm hoping to at least get tomatoes and such in; if we manage to move by early June it should be possible, since I think I didn't put them in until at least Memorial Day last year.  My green thumb is positively itching though, especially last week when it was lovely and warm out.  This week promises to make me happy to stay inside, unfortunately, with rain and cooler temps.

It seems like it's a year of big transitions and changes for almost everyone I know.  Friends are getting married, friends are having babies, friends are moving and buying houses, friends are making important and far-reaching decisions about their lives; on the one hand, I'm glad to be a part of the general, dynamic, changing process, but on the other hand, the part of me that resists change is saying, "But we were happy here, we were comfortable, why oh why does it all have to change."  Even though I was desperately desiring the change, it is still oh so hard to have to actually go through it.  Upheaval is never easy, even when it is positive upheaval!

Anyway, that's the general explanation for my blog silence.  I'm hoping to get back into posting more regularly as the weeks go by, and after (if?) we move, life will settle down a good bit.  I've got a huge stash of yarn sitting and waiting for me to have a bit more time to knit (although I've been plugging away on projects even with the busyness; the great thing about knitting is I can bring it with me, and knit while my husband drives), and I also have quite a few things I'd love to write and share about.  In the meantime, please don't go away just because it's quiet here!  I promise I'll be back, more regularly, before too much longer, and if you've got any tips on moving, especially moving with a little one in tow, I'd absolutely love to hear them.  Please pray that the remaining hurdles are overcome, and that our move goes smoothly!

Fun for a Monday

I've recently altered my work schedule so that I do the bulk of my workload (about 12 of the 15 hours) on Monday and Tuesday, in order to have a four day weekend.  This is great, once I hit Wednesday or Thursday, but it does make starting the week back up a little bit rough.  I have to work mostly when LW is napping, or Jim is home, which means mostly in the afternoon, evening, and after she goes to bed at night (9-11 pm - ugh!).  This week, though, I decided to try to make the mornings as fun as possible: I did most of the housework on the weekend, so I'm telling myself to let things slide as much as possible, and just have a good time playing with LW.

At this time of year, mostly she just keeps saying "Awk, Awk," i.e. she wants to go for a walk.  But, unlike yesterday's balmy temperatures in the 70's, today is a brisk 55, warm enough for her to want to stay out all day, but cold enough to have me shivering in a few minutes (for some reason, she's always warmer than me; the "dress your baby one layer warmer than you would be comfortable in" was always backwards for her).  Thus, I needed a good indoors activity.  Fortunately, I intentionally got some alum at the grocery store yesterday: the last ingredient I needed to make some homemade playdough!  I found a good recipe at Skip to my Lou.  I expected this to be a lot more difficult than it was; all I had to do was boil and stir.  I added some food coloring and orange essence for scent, and voila! playdough, minus the scary chemicals and "don't let your child eat" warning.

Although she only ended up playing with it for a few minutes (so far), there's something really cathartic about molding dough.  It's a great stress-reliever, which is exactly what I needed today (we're supposed to hear about an offer we made on a house today; hence, I'm a little more stressed even than usual!).

How would you conquer a case of "The Mondays"?