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Email a FriendTerrific piece, Arwen!
Thriving!
Who does God want you to be?
by Arwen Mosher in Family on Sunday, January 15, 2012 9:13 PM
I’ll admit it: when I read the title and opening paragraphs of Jen Fulwiler’s recent post at the National Catholic Register blog, I stifled a sigh. The piece is called “Moms of Young Children: The Time to Thrive Is Now” and I was afraid I was about to read another screed about how mothers could be fit, organized, and put-together (with harmonious marriages and deep spiritual lives) if only we would self-motivate, prioritize, and Make Time for Us.
I’m a mom of young children. I exhaust myself daily trying to be all things to small people. Articles like that make me tired.
But I should have known better. Jen’s piece was making a different point entirely: mothers deserve better than to be told that they should attempt nothing but the absolute basics because they have little ones. “The message has morphed,” she writes, “from ‘you shouldn’t try to do too much when you have young children,’ to ‘you shouldn’t try to do anything when you have young children.’”
Temporary “bare minimum mode” is useful, Jen says, but in her own life she has “seen the benefits of carefully selecting ambitious but achievable goals that bring a burst of energy and inspiration into our household, and send the message to myself, my family, and my sisters in the trenches that I haven’t lost my zest for life just because I change a lot of diapers.”
I pumped my fist as I read. “Ambitious but achievable!” “Energy and inspiration!” Three cheers for moms with a “zest for life”!
Then I deflated. Wait a minute. I need a list of goals? Carefully selected ones? I don’t have the time to make such a list, let alone the energy to achieve the things on it.
Clearly, Jen is wrong. Now is not the time for me to thrive.
I clicked away from the article and went about my day.
Hours passed. I made a plan with my husband about some things we need to accomplish this week. I chatted with a friend about her life. I wrote an email, changed several diapers, checked the comments on a blog post I’d written, nursed the babies and fed the kids lunch and ate a piece of bread I’d baked myself.
Through it all, I kept thinking back to the Register piece and trying to work it out in my head. Am I being lazy and need to get motivated? Or am I being realistic and need give up the possibility of “thriving” and put it all behind me for a few years?
Suddenly it was like one of those silly cartoon light bulbs went on above my head. I am not lazy. Neither do I need to give up on the possibility of thriving.
I am already thriving. And I bet you are too.
Jen Fulwiler is right, I think, that society expects those of us who are managing many tiny lives to be a mess. But the mothers I know constantly impress me with how much they manage.
(The ones who are struggling impress me even more, with their ability to face challenges like physical or mental illness, bereavement, or financial problems.)
The moms around me are sewing or knitting or crafting. They read constantly or are crossword-puzzle experts. Some have beautifully-decorated houses. Some are dedicated to physical fitness. Some are stylish and present a lovely face to the world. Others excel at hospitality, making friends feel welcome in their homes. Others cook or bake or have made laundry an art form. Many manage part-time or full-time jobs, working in offices or at home.
They do all this while raising young children, sometimes many very young ones. They’re not messes. They are thriving. WE are thriving.
How did this happen? We all have our own stories, but here’s mine:
I’ve been continually nursing and/or pregnant for almost six years. Before that, I had time to do whatever I wanted, so I did… nothing. Read mindless books, watched random movies, loved barely a moment of anything I did. I spent a lot of time just passing the time.
Once I got busier, time became precious. I still love to read, but now I’ll abandon a book after 50 pages if I don’t expect it to comfort, enrich, or greatly amuse me. I discovered that I have a passion for cooking when I realized that I can spend half an hour cleaning the kitchen, then want to stay in it because my hands are itching to chop an onion. And writing - which I used to halfheartedly wish I could do more of - is now a source of peace and an energizing weekly activity in my life.
None of this looks very impressive from the outside. Will anyone know or care if I feed my family a delicious dinner instead of a passable one, or if I’m better able to be gentle and loving with my children because I got half an hour to read an interesting book in the bath? Probably not. But I will know, and I will care, because I am happier if I do these things.
For you, cooking or reading might do nothing, but a board game with your husband or a particularly successful thrift-shopping trip will pump you up. Go for it!
In the comments of Jen’s “Now Is the Time to Thrive!” post, quite a few women expressed their frustration with wanting to thrive, but feeling like it was impossible. On that note, I have a few suggestions:
1) Realize how much you are already doing.
In my experience, we mothers tend to undersell ourselves. All the menial tasks of a day at home with children don’t seem to add up to much, especially since they must be repeated so often. Even if you make a meal the kids devour, they’ll still be hungry again in a few hours. And who knows how many disputes a pair of preschool-aged siblings can fit into one afternoon? It feels like a potentially infinite number to me, and mediating them gets exhausting.
But I think it’s like the analogy of the water dripping away at the rock. It doesn’t seem to change anything, yet it eventually does. Have you seen the Grand Canyon? Water can make a huge impact on rock. And parenting is the same way. You change a thousand diapers, kiss a hundred boo-boos, and sing bedtime songs until your throat is hoarse, and suddenly your kids are ready to start changing diapers of their own.
Even if parenting is the “only” thing you do until your young children aren’t young any more, you’re doing a big and important job, one to which God has called you personally. Give yourself credit for that.
2) Set goals that you are passionate about.
One of the reasons I sighed when I started reading Jen Fulwiler’s post was that she began by talking specifically about a mom who set an ambitious fitness goal. While I try to live an active life and recognize the health benefits of exercise, I am not enthusiastic about fitness. It’s hard for me to imagine wanting to spend large amounts of time exercising. If you need to be super-fit to be “thriving” then it’s a lost cause for me.
Conversely, I’ve had several friends sigh to me, “Oh, I need to try new recipes and be more creative in the kitchen.” My response is always, “No, you don’t, not if you don’t want to.” If you can feed your family reasonably nutritious food, who cares how basic it is? Ambitious cooking helps me thrive because it stimulates my particular mind and talents. If you don’t enjoy it, something else will be a much better use of your time.
Also, on a practical note, I think you’re much more likely to actually achieve goals that interest you. To me, nothing feels less like thriving than setting goals at which I inevitably fail because they’re uninteresting to me. Assess yourself, and make sure that you’re striving to live a life that fits your natural skills and interests.
3) Accept the realities of your life.
It can be tempting to buy into the popular perception of what it means to live life well. I don’t know any perfectly-groomed CEOs who throw elaborate dinner parties on weekends, but if I met one, I’d probably be tempted to compare my life to hers. In the world’s eyes, she is thriving and I am achieving nothing in comparison.
Let’s reject that definition of what it means to “achieve.” A mother of young children is not going to be able to spend large amounts of time away from her children, or do many activities that children can’t be involved in. That doesn’t mean she’s not successful. I don’t know about you, but most of the best moments of my life have happened because of my children, and their existence inspires me to work harder and use my talents. If that’s not success, I don’t know what is.
I can’t throw a fancy dinner party with a baby on my hip, but I can attend Mass and support my husband through a work crisis and fill my house with friends and family and celebrate holidays and travel and cook and read and do a hundred other things. I do those things a bit differently than I did when I was childless, but if anything, I think I do them more successfully now. Yes, my life is “impeded” by my little ones, but if I’m realistic and objective, I can see that it all balances out.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me the problem is not that we mothers of young children fail to thrive. It’s that we are discouraged by a false definition of what it means to thrive.
As someone who struggles to “keep my eyes on my own paper” I’m tempted to assume that thriving means being more like other people I admire. But in truth, I thrive when I live my vocation. I thrive when I am the best version of myself, so to speak.
Society views parenting young children as drudgery, something to escape as quickly as possible so you can move on to living life well. The paradox is that the - yes, very difficult - work of having young children is exactly what enables us to live life well. And not because there’s something holy about diapers (although there is a certain holiness in every serving task, however basic) but because parenthood is a vocation. The struggle to lay down one’s life for others can bring clarity about oneself. Who am I? Who does God want me to be?
Thriving means answering those questions. The closer we get to the answers, the better we live.
Now is indeed the time to thrive! Mothers of little ones: let’s do it.
—Arwen Mosher is a Faith & Family blogger who writes from her home in Michigan.
Comments
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Excellent! You say “none of this looks very impressive from the outside.” I’ve been struggling with that for most of the 20 years that I’ve been a mom. But I am coming to realize that “outside” doesn’t matter; it’s impressive from the inside. I have seen how all this has benefited my kids—now that they are older, those early years in the trenches are bearing good fruit. Now life is crazy for different reasons—track meets, play rehearsals, school dances, drama with friends, and all of that conspire against me, and while the tree is down, my other Christmas decorations might just be here until Candlemas 
In the scheme of things, the kids don’t care if the Christmas stuff is still out, as long as there’s food they like for dinner, an open door for their friends, and a ride home when they’re finished with whatever activity they’re involved in.
I only wish it hadn’t taken me the better part of 20 years to get here.
Posted by Brooke on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 4:26 PM (EDT):
There was a time, not many years ago, when I was mother to 4, 4 and under. Twins were in the middle, and the diapers were innumerable. I remember a wise, older friend (who was herself a mother to 2 sets of twins—4 children in 2 years!) telling me “God bless you, you’re in the trenches.” We’ve since added another, but those words were truer than I knew at the time. I appreciate them even more now, although it really has “gotten easier.” It was such a chaotic time, but so worth the days of feeling as though I’d accomplished nothing, then remembering how I must have been doing something, since the only time I’d spent sitting was to nurse!
Posted by Pippi on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 5:26 PM (EDT):
This, “The more I think about it, the more it seems to me the problem is not that we mothers of young children fail to thrive. It’s that we are discouraged by a false definition of what it means to thrive.” is something that I should print out and put on my fridge. Thanks, Arwen 
Posted by Kelly on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 8:45 PM (EDT):
I completely agree. I think mothers of young children, as well as everyone else, should stop gauging thriving on some random concept of how things ‘should’ be, what we should want. Are we serving God in our lives, answering his call to us? Are we doing what we can to serve our community, which may mean focusing on a growing family or aging parents or both, or if we can, other family and friends or in the greater community? Are we making time to participate in activities that renew us, prayer, hobbies, activities? Yes to all? Then you are successful, in my book. It can sometimes be hard to decide that you have done enough, but we all have to be able to find our own standards, to where we are not exausted and unhappy.
Posted by Sarah in Ottawa on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 10:41 PM (EDT):
Once again, Arwen, you’ve hit the nail right on the head. I LOVE this post and whole-heartedly agree with every point you’ve made. Thank you so much for sharing it!
Posted by Deanna on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 10:50 PM (EDT):
Years ago, I had four children, four years old and younger. Now I have nine, two with special needs. It did not get easier for me, and I often long to return to those earlier days. Right now, I am feeling sick because I have had very little sleep for several nights in a row. I would appreciate your prayers that I might survive, forget thrive.
Posted by mothering spirit on Monday, Jan 16, 2012 10:59 PM (EDT):
Love this reflection, Arwen - and I just blogged about the same piece from the NCR blog. So true that we all need to pat ourselves on the back for the ways that we’re thriving in the lives we already lead. Your comment about throwing fancy dinner parties with a baby on your hip made me laugh - I’m finally at the point in my life and our marriage where I can give away the wedding gifts we’ve never used, precisely because we don’t throw fancy dinner parties! I might sometimes want that life, but it’s not the lovely (and messy) reality I’ve been given. And there’s something freeing in claiming that, too.
Posted by Sharon on Tuesday, Jan 17, 2012 12:35 PM (EDT):
Amen Arwen!
In your article you talked about “goals?—who has time to make such a list” and then went about describing your day where, even though you may not have sat down and listed them on paper, you spelled out your goals in your actions. Your actions showed us exactly what your goals were, what you chose to spend your time on, what was a priority for you.
I think I am apt to do the same thing. I don’t have the time to make a list (other than for groceries). But if someone were to look back over my day or my week, they would see what is a goal for me. Our little daily actions do add up.
Posted by Pat on Tuesday, Jan 17, 2012 3:10 PM (EDT):
I thoroughly enjoyed this article! Thank you for sharing! I was feeling down today because I feel like a failure in completing those set “goals”. I thought it was time to return to “volunteering”, experienced enough to juggle a part-time job and small children. I finally became brave enough to host events. While for the most part, I am am able to achieve these goals (with the help of God, my husband and even strangers!), it has been a test to my faith, marriage & parenting! I’ve been waiting until I was “ready”. I’ve been “looking” for peace and joy as promised in God’s Living Word. And yet, I feel like LIFE is passing me by. To even mouth the words “THRIVING” seems like a drink of water on these cracked, tired and frustrated lips. My heart is grateful for your words of encouragement as I continue to seek the Lord’s comfort and wisdom. We as mothers are called to serve our God, but it cannot be done without HIS strength, HIS love and HIS comfort. Thank you once again.
Posted by Cecilia on Tuesday, Jan 17, 2012 3:27 PM (EDT):
I notice that a naysayer’s comment has been deleted, and that disappoints me. Although I disagreed with her tone, the point she made is unfortunately too true of my mother. A SAHM, who did some work at home (legally an independent contractor), she’s now retired. She did all the things here to thrive, but none of them contributed to her future. By the time they were empty-nesters, she was unemployable. Her SSI is tiny and she has no pension, etc. My father’s pension is controlled by the state legislature, and with his SSI, they are not at all well off. In concrete terms, they don’t have the money to visit their grandkids. I’m all for thriving in the here and now, but not at the cost of pretending the future will somehow take care of itself, because for my mother, it didn’t.
Posted by Arwen Mosher on Tuesday, Jan 17, 2012 4:08 PM (EDT):
Cecilia, thanks for you concern. Our policy at F&F is that we accept politely-stated non-anonymous comments no matter what position they take. Please feel free to disagree with us in charity!
In this particular case, the person commenting did so under a pseudonym, and has long history of leaving rude, irrelevant, and even harassing comments on this blog. She has been asked not to comment here and has ignored that request, so our policy is to delete all her comments as soon as we discover them.
Posted by Valerie on Tuesday, Jan 17, 2012 4:18 PM (EDT):
Beautiful piece! I wish I could have read this 10 years ago when I only had one child. I now have five and have figured a lot of this out through trial and error. I now can honestly say that I am thriving, mostly because I have learned what is precious and what is worth spending my time on. My faith and family are my two top priorities. I have finally learned how to incorporate my other interests, mainly quilting and reading, into my schedule. It can be done, even with little ones. My youngest is 1.
Posted by Christina on Wednesday, Jan 18, 2012 6:51 PM (EDT):
Such a terrific article! Thank you for all those encouraging words. Our jobs as Moms involved not seeing most of the fruits of our labor until years go by, not usually hours, days or weeks like many “jobs”. We need to encourage each other, and hear such nice encouragement like this.
For anyone interested in a wonderful Catholic song related a bit to this, it is called “The Saint That is Just Me” by Danielle Rose. My favorite new song (!!!), and well worth the 99 cents it costs to download on itunes (amazon may have it also).
Posted by priest's wife on Thursday, Jan 19, 2012 6:41 PM (EDT):
about doing what interests you-
in my circle of friends, there is a mom who made smocked (!) Easter dresses for her girls while pregnant and with a barely 2 year old. Lots of the other moms said- oh- I should do that or How can you find the time? She responded- no- you shouldn’t do it unless you love it- and I found the time because this particular activity is a priority
There is only so much time- may as well do only what is essential and interesting to us
Posted by Carrie de on Saturday, Jan 21, 2012 11:22 AM (EDT):
When I was younger and someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I said, “Be a mom.”
Well, now here I am with a constantly nursing, colicky infant and a whiny, attention-demanding two-year-old. I am have much much difficulty seeing my vocation in a positive light.
This article has helped A LOT! I feel like my friends are able to do so much more and are truly HAPPY with their family life. I know a lot of my melancholy is because I have a clingy infant, and that she will be older soon. But I feel like all I do is for my kids, and I can’t even get all those minimum basics done.
Anyway, love your article!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Posted by anon. on Saturday, Jan 21, 2012 11:42 AM (EDT):
I feel like any thriving I’m doing is on a purely spiritual plane given all the sacrifice and mortification involved in caring for two young children. Maybe I was selfish all my life and didn’t know it now that I’m painfully having to be the opposite.
Personally and humanly I don’t feel like I am thriving at all! I suppose the readership would tell me attitude is everything and this article tells one to look on the bright side… if the baby had not kept me up at 4:AM (like he usually does) I might be inclined to agree!
Posted by Claire on Saturday, Jan 21, 2012 12:24 PM (EDT):
I doubt that any of the moms here would try to dismiss the stresses that you’re experiencing. Motherhood is hard, and your experience deserves to be validated. The only thing I would add is to make sure you aren’t missing the joys that come along with all the stressors.
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