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[-]Makeup Mom here. I'm bored. Have been gone for a bit (having a baby!)... anyone have any new questions?
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[-]Any comments on Dr Wapner for an amnio? He's at columbia. I posted under 'expecting' but perhaps more of you moms with DCs have experience to speak of. Stone/Edelman do not take my insurance and unfortunately, I have to follow my insurance! Thanks!
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[-]Trying to decide on holiday bonus: Nanny has been with us for 10 months and does a good job however is late 2-3 times per week. We have kept her on because our daughter is comfortable with her but a little uncertain on how much of a holiday bonus we should give. She gets about 5 weeks off paid since we have travel/family visiting and also 3 free hours per day while daughter is in school from 9am-12noon
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreHave you asked her what's up with being late? I was chronically late, still struggle with it. I used to be inconsiderate, and disorganized. But i was always a good enough performer to make up for it. Now I get that it is not ok, but am still disorganized, easily distracted on way out the door. If you're up for raising it with her, you'd be doing her a favor. If she's otherwise a good nanny, it might take time, but this problem can be fixed.
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[-]Santas - keep moving, as far downtown as possible, and remember to vomit in the bathroom before you leave the bar.
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[-]Question for MD or healthcare moms: Any recommendation for a really good (and friendly) gynecologist? Not an OB (late 40's so I am post baby-stage) but someone who is a good surgeon. Can be UWS or UES. Accepting of insurance and/or not outrageously expensive would be preferred.
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[-]Have completely disassembled IKEA loft bed, all parts, including instruction manual, except desk component that we removed so we could put a chair under it. Will give to anyone who wants to come pick it up. Tried freecycle, but unless I'm doing something wrong, have gotten no bites at all.
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Looking for a divorce attorney in NYC. I have turned to Urban Baby over the years for school information, I think this might be a good place to find out about divorce attorneys in Manhattan. I've been using someone for a year, and would give this attorney a grae of "B" maybe B+. Thus 2 questions, anyone ever changed attorneys? anyone know a good source for divorce attorney reviews. thank you
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[-]I am 2 Weeks postpartum and I am SURE I'm the only woman to feel this way: I can't wait to have sex! Omg, to think of waiting another month. I am dying to get my hands all over my husband! Did you actually wait 6 weeks? C section #2 btw.
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[-]who knows of a good xmas tree farm north of the city (upper westchester) that's good?
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[-]What it the website where you can post things that you want to give away, that you want someone to come take away?
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[-]Argument with long-distance BF last night. Just a bad conversation all-around (over Skype). Didn't hear from him today. Should I reach out this weekend or let him have his space and then come to me when he is ready? This is our first fight. Been together 2 months.
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OP well i guess it's unanimous! ha. i am just so sad. distance makes this work. but i am also still angry with him. but i still miss him. blahhhhh. ok i will not reach out and i will wait. he is supposed to come visit me over the christmas holiday and im hoping he doesn't cancel the trip and break up with me over this :(
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i was about to ask his advice about something. I told him i did something stupid. he jokingly said "eh, you're a girl, all girls do stupid things!" and laughed. however i perceived it as sexist. i told him i didnt find it funny and in fact i really hated those kind of comments. he said the dreaded "i think you're overreacting, i was just joking, can't we just move on?" and then i got mad that he said i was overreacting. the conversation escalated and then never really recovered from that. he said let's talk tomorrow (today) and I haven't heard from him.
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He's actually a really amazing person. It might have been cultural...he jokes sarcastically a lot and 99% of it I find hilarious. There are a few times I dont find it funny and this is one of them. His stupid comment belies how caring, loving, and attentive he really is.
[ Reply | More ]^^^but I still didn't want to let him get away with what he said. Cause it was annoying! I just don't think it's worth ending a whole relationship over.
[ Reply | More ]Where's he from if you say "it might have been cultural"? Not being snarky, I do know of a few places where men have this type of attitude
[ Reply | More ]Oh...ha...no not like actually thinking this about women...just the sense of humor being cultural. He's British!
[ Reply | More ]Np: i get it, the brit misogyny thing. I think it's a reflex. But his dismissing/silencing you is a serious problem. He doesn't respect you. Or, he does get what you're saying but is incapable of circling back and admitting when he's been a jerk. Neither possibility bode well for marriage.
[ Reply | More ]^^^and the reason I bring up the length of time we've been dating and the amount of time we spend apart, is that I'm still getting to know him! It's not like we are married and I exactly know his sense of humor and he knows mine. How am I to know if he really believes those things or not? I'm still learning about him
[ Reply | More ]Np above: of course I'm generalizing, stereotyping but IMO a significant misogynist strain in British culture, pops out in men. Christopher Hitchens to football hooligans. Comments like that are more normal, as is drunkenness, and fighting. (A big guy needs to be careful where ge goes out, someone will try to pick a fight.)
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Please just chill. You are overemotional and acting like a 'girl,' and no one wants to deal with that. You should stop indulging your little girl side and start behaving the same way you would if you were hanging out with friends. Would you ever get pissed at a friend who said something like that? And if you did, how long would you expect to remain friends?
[ Reply | More ]I think you should call him and tell him that you shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it...because you have your period. Then say, "just kidding. I didn't like what you said, but I know you were just teasing. Let's just forget it and move on. So where do you want to go eat when you visit?"
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he made a joke that you knew was a joke and you decided for some reason to blow it out of proportion and take it seriously. For no real reason other than to test him. No one wants to be tested. It's annoying and childish. If you want to be an adult in an adult relationship, just call him and stop playing games. Unless you would rather 'win.' What's more important to you?
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yeah sorry you don't want to hear it, but give him space- let him contact you next. will suck for you, but be better in the end. btw people who are saying "dump him" or find a new bf... overreacting! if he's a nice guy overall I'd just chalk this one up as a lost in translation thing. as long as he respects you IRL and doesn't trot out the "you're so emtional blah blah" schtick every time you argue. Distract yourself, peace out off UB and try to have a nice weekend. Things will blow over. cheers
[ Reply | More ]My DH makes comments like this frequently just to annoying me and get me worked up and he's not sexist at all - I just come up with something back. He's totally joking and ITA you need to chill. Come up with something whitty to say back if it really irritates you like 'Yeah you're right. Maybe I'll just ask one of my friends though. You are probably too busy watching silly men chase a pigskin ball around and tackle each other to get said ball to really focus on advice anyway'
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[-]Question for DH's. Are very wealthy men (millionaires and up) always on high alert for greedy women who just want money? Or does it not cross your mind when dating? Do you think of how much a woman will "cost" you if you marry her? What are ways a woman could show a guy she doesn't care at all about the $$ and is truly looking for love? Been dating a guy who gets VERY defensive about this topic and I don't think I've done anything to cause it.
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It came up because we were having lunch the other day and he told me that he liked me because I am different in that I don't seem to be after money and I seem to care about the right things, and he said that was hard to find in NYC. I asked if that had happened to him before, and he told me yes, and so he has a hard time trusting and prefers not to date too much now. It actually hadn't occurred to me that he even HAD that much money, because we've always done simple fun activities like grab drinks or go running. Did a little investigating and turns out he's very very wealthy. But now I'm a little paranoid about coming across like that's what I care about. IDK. I was raised very middle class and Im fine with that. The topic is new for me.
[ Reply | More ]Just keep doing what you have been doing - low key stuff, offering to pay your share, etc. If he is really cheap, though, and not generous, that is not cool.
[ Reply | More ]No he is very sweet and always pays etc but I've dated broke artists too who have always paid...I was looking at it though like him being chivalrous and kind..not him being wealthy. I would prefer doing low key things with him because I consider that more fun and intimate than fancy dinners etc. My favorite date so far has been running by the East River and talking about funny moments from childhood
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He's an a-hole. Run. He doesn't trust women, inherently. He is grooming you and preemptively scaring you out of asking him for or expecting ANYTHING. If he were actually just smarting from being used before, he would never tell you that. He would just be grateful to have met you and wait to see what happens.
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Pls read above...I'm the complete opposite. I didn't even know he had $$ til I looked because he brought it up. I met him at the gym...we're always in sweaty workout clothes...we've gone running together...grabbed coffee....gotten Sat night drinks...he has been to my place and we baked cookies etc....
[ Reply | More ]Oh please. you can tell if I guy has $ or not. Just from superficial things. And clearly you knew about it or else you would have been surprised about the fact when 'the subject came up'. But hey, no criticism from me, I think you are playing your cards right bc based on the above, maybe you have him fooled. GL! I have nothing against this. DH makes 20% of HHI and we are constantly struggling. I should have figured this out sooner
[ Reply | More ]I was surprised when it came up...it was a total non sequiter and I was completely caught off guard. I truly didnt know. I mean, yah I knew he had a job and pays rent, etc, but he is always t-shirt and jeans and sneakers kind of guy, all our activities have been really simple, and we don't talk about money or salary yet etc. I'm not saying I mind now that I know! I'm just saying I now know, and I can see it's a sensitive subject for him so I want him to feel comfortable
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Be careful if past events are coloring his view of you, though. A bad experience can linger, but an adult knows they need to suck it up and avoid projecting the faults of old lovers onto
[ Reply | More ]The ones I know are on high alert. They say they'll never get married. Some of been married once (before they made their money) and some have never been married. "I will never get married (again)" is their mantra.
[ Reply | More ]Hmmm...interesting. He hasn't said any of those things to me but the first time I saw a glimpse of it was the other day when he talked. I'm glad it was in a positive way, as in he was telling me I'm different, but still I wonder if he has leftover bad feelings from previous experience like the poster above said
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is getting married more important to you than having a relationship with who you think is the right guy for you? I ask because honestly, in hindsight I realize now I could be just as happy not being married
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I used to worry I was only looking for wealthy men. Dated a few millionaires I enjoyed being with. One never spent a dime on me. The other I had no feelings for and ended things before they really fell for me. Then I met one I really liked...it didn't work out. Money was never an issue.
[ Reply | More ]How much is very very wealthy? What kind of data did your research reveal? Inherited? Trying to live vicariously.
[ Reply | More ]I am on the other end of this. Wealthy woman who is always careful about greedy men, but more likely to find men that can't handle the disparity in income and run away. Sigh.
[ Reply | More ]interesting...do you ever hold off on telling them like this guy did with me, just to see if what you guys have is real, or so they wont be scared off? would you sign a pre-nup if you do get married?
[ Reply | More ]YES. I have to reveal my situation very slowly and carefully, only after I trust them and know more about what their intentions are. would definitely need a pre-nup if I marry.
[ Reply | More ]OP ok..that makes sense. id do the same if i were in your position. so in your opinion, is this guy revealing his situation slowly to me in order to build up the trust first? to see what my intentions are?
[ Reply | More ]i'm sure he is. seeing how you handle it. how "needy" you might be. sounds like you're doing just fine... keep suggesting things that are just fun/interesting rather than expensive. is the relationship not moving quickly enough for you, or are you content?
[ Reply | More ]Well I really am starting to care about him and it's not that I need the speed of anything to increase, I'm ok with him opening up at whatever pace he is comfortable, the only thing that I'm a little sad by is that he seems so slow to trust me. I guess I'm used to being trusted right away and Im a trusting person so I usually return that. I had no indication that he even did trust me yet until the other day when he said the thing about me being different from everyone else he knows and that he enjoys that. That was my first sign that he was starting to trust. Before I couldn't pinpoint what felt off, but when he said that, it felt so GOOD to hear that I realized what ws off before, was that I didn't feel 100% trusted even though I'm 100% tr...
[ Reply | More ]sounds good, just keep letting him set the pace, as he may have been burned in the past. he may be concerned that there's a lurking need or intention that will crop up after you get to know one another, so just keep your cool and don't put pressure on him. you sound like you have a great time together -- that's what's important. good luck.
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I'm DH, but not very wealthy or dating. If a guy is very wealthy, powerful, famous or handsome, it does raise questions about the other's motivations. Reality is that these attributes make one more attractive. That might be OK up to a point. But guy is right to have his eyes open. That said, it sounds like you are on the right track with him. So, I wouldn't worry too much.
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[-]Anyone have a DH who occasionally smokes pot and you don't? By occasionally I mean maybe once a weekend. At the most twice in one week. Not affecting work or him being a good husband/father. Would you ever ask him to stop doing it?
108 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreThats more than just occasionally. But I wouldn't say anything. Not a big deal imo.
[ Reply | More ]I totally agree. this is ongoing use. he probably can't relax without it, which means he has a dependance. I am not anti smoking by any means but it slowly tapered off during the years, now zero since i have a DB
[ Reply | More ]Would you say someone who has a glass of wine one or 2 nights a week drinks occasionally? Just curious if that standard is different in your mind.
[ Reply | More ]I'm OP, was your question for me? Hmm..it's funny because on those funny match.com profiles which I used to have a few years ago, you had to answer this kind of question. For drinking, the choices were "none" "socially" "moderately" "regularly." I usually have a glass of red wine one or two nights per week when I go out to dinner, and I think I always listed that I drink "socially." So I guess it's the same in my mind. I'm curious to know what others think
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there are many states in which pot is not illegal. I smoke weed a couple of times a month, typically when I don't want to drink or open a whole bottle of wine when I just want to relax. Especially since wine is 150 calories a glass and smoking is zero. TTC and won't give it up after dcs are born.
[ Reply | More ]It is decriminalized in my state, but that doesn't mean it's legal. And that's just for possession/use - purchasing it is a criminal offense.
[ Reply | More ]I don't know what state you're in, but if it's decriminalized there's a good chance it's available by prescription, making it legal to sell, purchase, and possess. But if that's not good enough for you-if you really need it to be legal on the federal level--I suspect you have more of an emotional objection to marijuana than a legal or rational one.
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After 36 years my mother gave up that battle. My father's breakfast consist of, a cup of coffee, eggs and a porkchop, and two joints.
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would not bother me, my husband and I usually smoke together once the kids are asleep
[ Reply | More ]As long as the frequency didn't increase, I wouldn't care, but I could see it being a problem when you have teens because even if he doesn't do it around your kids, when they are teens they are going to ask questions and he will either have to lie to them or tell them the truth about his pot smoking
[ Reply | More ]I continue to be amazed at the attitudes some people have about illegal drugs. Number one, they are illegal, and you can get in a lot of trouble if you are caught by police or flag a drug test at work. Number two, you have no idea where the drugs come from, what they have been spiked with, etc. Number three, drug users are directly responsible for the horrible crimes being committed in MX and beyond. Number four, today's drugs are much more powerfull than they were 20 - 40 years ago. I could go on, but you get the point (or maybe you don't).
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Pot is barely illegal--unless you're distributing it. There is almost no penalty for having a personal stash, and that's the way it should be until we get our heads out of our asses and legalize it.
[ Reply | More ]ok, porn is barely illegal! especially if they arent that young! take your specious argument elsewhere.
[ Reply | More ]Specious? It's been decriminalized in many states, towns, counties, etc. My comment about penalties for personal stashes is a fact. It was only made illegal b/c of the cotton industry, nothing to do with smoking it. And it will be outright legal in my lifetime. What part of my argument do you have a problem with? And porn is legal, so I don't understand that comment at all.
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luckily I know were my pot comes from and I am not tested at work - although in the past I have worked places that test, unlike a lot of drugs, it's really hard to get addicted to pot, yes it is habit forming, but not addictive imo - so I never had a problem stopping because of testing. Since I know where my pot is coming from, I am not contributing to horrible crimes.....I get your point, but it's pot and really is pretty harmless
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My father smoked marijuana in front of us and only 2 of my siblings smoke marijuana however the person who had the most influence over me and my brother and sister was my alcoholic bi-polar mom. Our father was the one we ran to to get away from our mom. Today me and my siblings I think drink a little too much.
[ Reply | More ]I would have asked him to stop before marrying him. It's illegal and teaches kids that it's OK to break the law. And that drugs are OK. But I am kind of uptight! :0
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WOW> I am very surprised at the number of people on here that support illegal drug use!
[ Reply | More ]Marijuana shouldn't be illegal. It's also illegal to drink underage, which we all did in college. I take prescription meds from my friends, which is illegal because I'm too cheap/lazy to go to the doctor to get my own ambien, xanax, vallium. And besides, for like the 100th time, is many states it's not illegal.
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I smoke whenever I"m really stressed out and need to decompress. I also smoke before I call customer service. My DH would prefer me not to stop, as I can be extremely tense.
[ Reply | More ]the dad of my best friend in middle school smoked in front of her - her mom was definitely more on the straight-and-narrow (her parents were divorced and had joint custody) but my friend turned out to be an above-average student who really never got into trouble.
[ Reply | More ]yes, my dh smokes to relax and I don't have a problem with it. I don't like it so I have a glass of wine or pop a chill pill to relax. to each his own. don't tell him to stop. he will resent that and probably do it behind your back.
[ Reply | More ]OP Yah I wouldn't tell him to stop...I actually really don't see anything wrong with it. To each his own. I was just thinking ahead about dcs and wanted to know if it's possible that DH could keep on smoking and DCs will still be normal and happy. I think it wouldn't bother me but thought I could learn from others experiences
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Was 2-3 times when we started dating. Turned into every day and then at lunch time. Was like a bad made for tv movie. I never thought that you get addicted and at first really did not care but it actually became a deal breaker for us.
[ Reply | More ]OP I'd like to know more about your situation...you guys divorced over it? Was he able to see your side at all?
[ Reply | More ]We went to couples counseling and it came up right away. DH did not think it was a problem. I only knew about the smoking at lunch time because of mutual friends. Yes, we are divorced. He was not really able to see my side but it is complicated because initially I did not care that he smoked and was not phased b it but it got to be a big thing and nobody understood because nobody thought that pot was addictive.
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There is no right answer here, but I do want to chime in and say that marijuana is ABSOLUTELY physically addicting. I have smoked an awful lot of pot in my life and I have discussed this with a knowledgeable doctor. The idea that it is not addictive is a myth and has been proven incorrect. That being said, personally I would consider 2 nights a week moderate and occasional use, as I would with drinking.
[ Reply | More ]An idiot said pot is not physically addictive. I is so. I had an ex husband who smoked 3x a day.... When i threatened to leave, and finally did, he quit! Then immediately took on drinking half a bottle of rum per day. From there he went to pills and then cocaine. An addiction is an addiction. To change your mind state on a daily basis or even 3x a week is a nice way to hide some sort of emotional problem!
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[-]Manhattan foodies: List some of your recent "hidden gem" favorites. Please don't post the usual heavy hitters (Daniel, etc)......Me: Pylos (greek, east village)
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[-]Need concrete tips please on how to be a better listener and less "sensitive" when talking to DH. Almost anything sets me off. I start out with good intentions and then it always ends up the same way. I'm not a good listener. He feels like he has to censor himself. Tips?
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreDo what therapists do--repeat the statement he says first (will take the sting out of it). If he says: B*tch do the dishes more often! you can say: Honey, you're asking if it would be possible for me to wash the plates more than once a week right? See how easy that is?
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It's great that you want to improve and are willing to be self-critical. The thing is, though, that it will be very hard to change. You could try to verbalize your anxieties, rather than (unsuccessfully) try to suppress them. "I feel insecure when you say that", "I feel like I'm being attacked". It's hard to change when you're older, though.
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[-]Nanny question: I sometimes give my nanny extra days off (when my mom is visiting, etc). When she started working for us, she said she's be available to babysit evenings. Would it be ok to reach an understanding with her that if I give her an extra day off, she will make up the hours in one evening babysitting? This would be extra days, on top of her 10 vacation days.
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreI don't think she should have to make it up hour for hour - maybe a few hours here and there since she offered, otherwise it seems a little like she's at your beck and call, taking off when you don't want her around and then making up the hours whenever you feel like it (even though you told her to take the day off in the first place).
[ Reply | More ]I think you should talk with her about it. Propose something like: if you give her the day off you can schedule her for night time sitting (pending her availiblity) in the next month but she gets her wages for the day she was given off. You can also call her to babysit at night apart from any time she would be making up which is paid her hourly rate.
[ Reply | More ]No, I wouldn't like it if my boss told me not to work my regular hours on a day of her choosing but to come in at night instead. I bet she told you she was available evenings *in addition* to her regular hours, in order to make some extra money. But there is no harm in asking her if she would be willing to trade a full day of work for x hours of babysitting on one evening.
[ Reply | More ]I would pay her for the evening babysitting because the days off are not her choice.
[ Reply | More ]While it has an inherent logic to it, I don't think it's reasonable to ask because she may have commitments in the evening, such as her own children. If you don't want to give her the days off don't, but you can't take up other hours of her time. Not all hours in the day, night, weekend are created equal. For example, my own nanny has to pay someone to watch her kids at night, whereas during the day their childcare is already arranged.
[ Reply | More ]I don't think this is very fair, because the days off aren't her idea, they're yours.
[ Reply | More ]Well sometimes they are her idea, like for Thanksviging her asked for the Friday off as well, and this was an extra day that we didn't agree on in our contract. We were glad to give her the day off and pay her for it, but going forward I'd like to have an agreement with her that she can make up that day with an evening of babysitting - which is less hours.
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I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't think it's fair. It's not her choice to have those days off. I'm sure she'd rather work those days AND get paid for evening babysitting but you're not giving her a choice. I know it's tempting and I've been tempted to do it myself but I don't think it's inherently fair, sorry.
[ Reply | More ]I do this with my nanny. It works out in her favor, since for every 10 or so days she gets off, I wind up asking her to babysit only once or twice. Not sure if she'd be that happy about it if it were a strict quid pro quo.
[ Reply | More ]Glad to hear that. I wasn't going to do it quid pro quo either. I was going to ask her for 3-4 hrs of babysitting in exchange for 1 day (which is 10 hrs). But I would even be glad to do 1 evening of babysitting for 2 days off as well.
[ Reply | More ]talk to her about it. If she's ok, just go for it. Talk to her after she's done it a few times to make sure things are still ok. I also try to give her as much heads up as possible, and don't get upset if she already has plans that night. In other words, try not to rely 100% on nanny for night time babysitting.
[ Reply | More ]Why are you only responding to posts that agree with you? You don't think the others havea a valid point?
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Nanny here: I left a job partially over this. Their parents would come in from out of the country and I would get a week off (that I was available and willing to work. ) They took a couple vacations and long weekends and I never got paidd for overtime. There was no insensitive for mom to get home ontime, and was late almost every day. I also wasn't really allowed to turn down extra time. When I got a text at 10pm on a Sunday night asking me to come in an hour early the next day, I was given the third degree when I said no
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you can discuss it with her I guess, but imo - it's not really fair. It is not her fault you sent her home because your mom was visiting
[ Reply | More ]My mom visits us too so my nanny gets 1-2 weeks off in addition to what's agreed upon, plus days off here and there. Personally, I like to keep the extra hours and days off separate, because I don't think it's fair that I tell her not to come but then turn around and expect that she works extra hours to "make up" for it.
[ Reply | More ]Yes, so long as she agrees with you up front that she'll be flexible with her hours (which she will if she is going to be easy to work with), and you are polite and considerate (i.e., try to work the schedule out in advance each week, and agree with her in advance when you'll be switching it).
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