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[+] I'm the poster who got the email from my step-DD suggesting I stop buying clothing fo... 86 replies
- Moving forward w/her: polite but aloof. No reaction except a half smile. Nothing will ever satisfy/please/humor her so stop trying....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
I'm the poster who got the email from my step-DD suggesting I stop buying clothing for DH. I loved the suggestion to make it funny, so I wrote this: "Hi [sdd}, thank you for the suggestion. I already bought him this -- would you like one, too? http://cowboyoutfitters.com/longjohns.html. : ) Actually, seriously, I did buy him some sweaters and shirts that he'd asked for this year, but I appreciate your suggestion and maybe we can coordinate beforehand for his birthday gifts?" She wrote back, "I'm not interested in coordinating with you. I'm trying to tell you that you have bad taste but you can't take a hint. Same goes for your own clothing. I feel sorry for my dad that he has to wear whatever ugly s&*@# you got him." So...attempt at humor failed, as did my attempt to make peace with her.
86 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 01:56 PM Flag ]-
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when i was a kid, i once sent my grandfather a note about how awful he was to my mother. he sent it back to me along with a cover note that said the following (ish): "i am sending this back to you because i love you and i know what it means to be 14. You are young and smart but you don't and can't possibly know and understand everything. It's okay. In a few years, you will not want this note to be out there. it's not. it's gone and forgotten." at the time it ROYALLY pissed me off. over time, i came to see the wisdom in his approach. it would seem to me some version of this might serve your goals at this time. :-)
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:01 PM FlagOP. I'm feeling kind of crappy, but this made me smile. 17 was hard for me, too, so I get it, but I think writing her anything at all will just stir the pot. I think I will just try to drop it and not respond, and be as kind as possible the next time I see her.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:03 PM FlagOR-i understand. in time, she will cringe at her behavior on this. fwiw, i will say that as mad at him as i was at the time, he changed as a person in my mind in large part because of how he stepped out at moments like this. he was a wise man. if he had just bit his tongue, i don't know that i ever would have known that about him.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:39 PM FlagI was the poster telling you to not engage in the first place. I told you so. 17 yos can be awful people. No reason to put yourself through that. She basically said to you, 'I don't like the person my dad became when he got together with you. I don't like you either.' Did you really need to hear that? Just ignore her in the future until she gets over it or learns how to deal.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:27 PM Flag
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Ok, you can sleep soundly knowing that you acted like an adult. Don't engage.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:01 PM FlagI was all for being the peace-maker but now it's time to ignore the little heifer and show your DH the emails and let him handle his child on this one. BUT. Don't hold this stuff against her. When you see her, just be as shit-eating grin pleasant as possible. Don't let her see you sweat. As a matter of fact, you should put on Jay-Z's Dirt Off Your Shoulder whenever the hag is around. That'll really piss her off.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:02 PM FlagWhy do adult women insist on playing games? Seriously? Is there nothing better going on in your life where you need to start something with a 17yo? Just ignore the email for now. The girl knows that she was in the wrong. There's no reason to escalate the situation and run to daddy. The girl is upset and overreacting. Displaying this "to hell with her" kind of attitude is the last thing a step-parent should be doing; as well as referring to the stepdaughter as a hag. What is wrong with you?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:08 PM Flag-
Psycho, OP recognizes a joke when she reads one. And, at this juncture, the father should know about these emails. Knowing about the emails doesn't mean that OP expects DH to lock her in a cell and blast her with the greatest hits of the Monkees as a form of torture. But he should be aware of the DD's "cry for his attention".
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:12 PM FlagI wasn't responding to that. I was responding to your suggestion that she "just be as shit-eating grin pleasant as possible." In what way is that helpful? It would only serve to irritate the girl more by displaying a fake attitude. She should set an example by behaving as an adult. Not a child who exaggerates her emotions or hides behind an obnoxious demeanor.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:15 PM Flag
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Oh. I was on your sDD's side before but now I see she is being very petulant. Time to leave her alone to cool.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:03 PM FlagYeah, agreed. I can't write back. I need to tell DH because he'll know something is up when gifts are exchanged and she gives me the evil eye, I guess. I am trying not to cry in my office. Such a hard day, too -- just found out that my sister is really sick after getting her email back. Puts it in perspective, btu it still hurts.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:07 PM FlagThis may be mean of me, but find a way to laugh at her (to yourself, not in front of others). Laugh at how stupid she's being, and try to just rise above it. Don't take it personally because it is not about you. Anyone in your position would be treated the same.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:31 PM Flag
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Just write her back and say "I'm sorry you have your knickers in a twist (or some other silly description) over the clothing we wear. I guess you should understand that we really don't care too much about clothes and appearance. So, thank you for your concern, and I hope you get over your distress soon." Leave it as her problem and that you are just above it all and don't give a sh*t. She can go complain to her father and you can stay out of it.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:29 PM Flag-
I'm with you. I think OP should show the emails to DH and let him handle the follow up according to what he thinks is best. He may even approach it with humor that the DD will be more receptive to coming from him. OP gave it the ol' college try. Time to leave it in the father's hands.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:37 PM Flag
I like this. I wouldn't ignore it, as she could take that in a million different ways. Instead, something along these lines that shows you don't really care what she thinks is the way to go.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:34 PM Flag-
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I told you that's what she Ment. But UBers first wife moms do t know what a pill their DD can be. She is impolite And Braty. Threat her with respect BUT and clear boundaries and let the time pass. Write back, I understand this things are important for you but not so much for me. Still as an adult and a wife I had the freedom to chose my gift and I would like that to. E respected
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:50 PM Flag1) No need to reply to such a snotty email. 2) Speak to her in person and STOP WRITING back and forth. Be a grown-up (she certainly isn't one). 3) Do NOT show her snitty emial to DH; that makes you just as bad as her. If you must, tell DH about an "unpleasant exchange", but why dump her turmoil on him? Don't make him have to choose between you and her. Try to be civil, but no need to engage with her for a while. She clearly needs her space!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:13 PM FlagSorry to be annoying and use caps here but CAN WE SEE THESE CLOTHES? PS Your StepDD is being a brat.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:05 PM FlagThat's the funny thing: I buy him the same brands he has always worn and that he loves. Arguably they are simple, attractive, nontoxic things. His preferences are Vince for casual, Hugo Boss, Varvatos and occasionally Gucci for work. Basic, simple stuff from Barneys. Rag and Bone if he's going wild. She wants him to wear Ed Hardy.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:41 PM FlagHow embarrassing. Grown men should NEVER wear Ed Hardy. I bring you Exhibit A: Jon Gosselin. Exhibits B, C, D & E: the guys of Jersey Shore. Total douche-wear. If you hadn't already responded to SD, I would've suggested emailing her pics of the aforementioned guys and wrote, "You want your father to look like this? Really?"
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:43 PM FlagYikes! I had responded in the previous post that I used to be horrified by my mother's selection of clothing for my father (i.e. buying him tube socks and Members Only jackets well into the 90s), but your style seems tasteful and normal. I can't imagine a grown man in Ed Hardy!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:48 PM Flag
It sounds like her final exams/papers/college apps are not going so well. I do seem to remember that this was a very hard stage to be in. My guess is that you are a target for her general frustrations and although I wouldn't take it too seriously, I would let DH know.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:10 PM Flag
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[+] What are legitimate reasons for people not liking "good" schools in NYC? What would ... 31 replies
- you are basically asking (nicely) for people to bash schools. we don't like doing that here. at least polite, well-adjusted people don't....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
What are legitimate reasons for people not liking "good" schools in NYC? What would someone have against Trinity, Ethical, Dalton etc that wouldn't be sour grapes but more curricular or values based? (I know some folks don't like HM's stress level for HS)
31 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 12:14 PM Flag ]you are basically asking (nicely) for people to bash schools. we don't like doing that here. at least polite, well-adjusted people don't.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:17 PM FlagNOOOOO I wasn't trying to do that. DH went on a tour with me and said "Who wouldn't love this school?" And I was trying to figure it out. Not trying to bash at all (which was why I was trying to list a bunch of school)
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:19 PM Flag^^I guess I'm trying to figure out why some people think X school is one they want their DC to go to and others think Y. Is it all social? Is it location? Pure TT vs 2nd Tier?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:20 PM FlagOR-it's feel. if you went to a school and felt that way, it'd be a great fit. over multiple kids i've toured probably 15 ongoing schools. i can see plusses and minuses to ALL of them. i make it a rule not to post negatives here, so i wont. but there are, it turns out, very few of those schools where i'd actually want to send my children. the reasons are academic, curricular, values based, community based.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:22 PM FlagOP Do you think that there is a school for every family, and that it's the family's job to apply to the school and communicate that "feel/fit" or are there places that will fit a wide range of kids/families?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:54 PM Flagi think there is more than one school for every family. you can like schools for different reasons. i do think there are schools that definitely DONT fit, and that's good to know, too!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:02 PM FlagOP Could you answer my progressive vs traditional question below?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:11 PM Flagi don't know how i became the authority on anything, but i'm happy to give it a shot. first of all, i think there are extremes of progressive and traditional, but neither of these is practiced today. in a traditional education, there is a belief that there is certain knowledge that kids ought to have. the curriculum is set and they learn a cannon of facts. a progressive education is about learning how to learn. it is about the process of inquiry, hypothesis, test, and develop insight. you'll hear people say it's child led (i.e. the subject matter can be chosen by the child) vs. teacher led (i.e. the teacher teaches AT the kids and doesnt care whether it's getting in or not). today, imo, all schools use a blend of both. it's not 1920 out there, we're not memorizing poems for the sake of learning grammar. but schools tend to be on a spectrum, so you have to think about which way you LEAN on that spectrum.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:31 PM Flag
Didn't you get a different feel for each school you toured?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:58 PM Flag
In general, you could prefer progressive over traditional (or not), fancy facilities on the Hill vs. cramped building close to home. Younger, enthusiastic teachers vs. older, experienced ones. There are lots of points of comparison.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:27 PM FlagI'll give an example that a mother gave me. Her oldest dc attended a TT school that is considered structured and traditional and she (the mom) loved it. Her 2nd dc then later also attended the same school. 2nd dc has a very different learning style and the school was not very accommodating. The mom said "you don't realize exactly HOW rigid a school is until you bump up against it". Her dcs are still there, so it's not like she dislikes the school, but she definitely experienced a negative side of it with her 2nd dc. So she cautions people who apply there now, that when they say that it's structured and traditional, they MEAN it and it can be a problem depending on your kid and family. I could see how someone could not like this for their kid, in spite of it being a "great school" by most measurements.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:16 PM FlagWe really liked dalton and ethical...our concern with both was the heavy emphasis on diversity. To be comfortable there, I think you really need to embrace that. For us, that was our biggest concern and the reason we chose another school. I am sure for others that might be a selling point. they are both good schools - i think it is a question of finding one that speak to you and your family. What might work for some - will not be ideal for others.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:18 PM Flag-
NP I could see that someone could have an issue with the FOCUS on diversity, rather than just wanting to have diverse families but Ethical (the only one we've toured yet) goes out of it's way to involve the idea in every single aspect of their classrooms and in the curriculum. With so much of an emphasis on this, some (not me but I can see it) might feel like it takes away from a focus on the traditional academic subjects.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:35 PM Flagnp: I see what you mean and we are a diverse family. We like schools like dalton, brearley, ethical and cathedral because they focus on diversity in every aspect (students read books by diverse authors, etc.) and want to be a community of like-minded people. If you are the type of family that doesn't like a focus on diversity (and I don't believe a focus on diversity must be at the expense of academics) then I don't particularly want our dcs to go to school together. We should all go where we are most comfortable.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:04 PM Flagpp - I agree but my first choice is Ethical, so I think that our children would do just fine.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:30 PM Flagnp: My dc is at Ethical and I don't find the focus on diversity any different from the rest of the world (workplace, etc.) and while I think they do try to create a diverse community in many aspects of the word, it is nowhere near as diverse as a public school. Anyone who feels that Ethical is too focused on diversity must live in a bubble!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:48 PM Flag
Were you under the impression that as much diversity as possible is always best for everyone? Ironic thing is if we sent our DC to public school where we are zoned for - it would be no where near as diverse. I went to suburban public school. I know a lot of people who leave the city to send their kids to suburban public school. They pick places like Scarsdale, Short Hills, etc. for some of the same reasons that they might not feel comfortable at Dalton or Ethical...is that is surprise to you? Like i said - its all personal preference. there really is no right or wrong. for us - in a class of say 20, if a class is 1/2 diverse probably only around 1/2 of the other half is jewish - or about 5 kids +/-...that is just not what we were looking for. Also has changed a lot at Dalton specifically from when i was a kid. i think the kids, community and parents of a school are an important factor...you should go where you feel comfortable for you and you DCs.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:55 PM FlagAgree. 1/2 class "visible diverse" + 1/2 class Jewish is just artificial and strange. Not my idea of diversity nirvana.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:09 PM Flagnnp: i think people seek out good schools in the suburbs, and most often those are in very affluent areas which sadly corresponds to lack of racial and ethnic diversity. i don't think that most parents don't want that diversity but they aren't willing to compromise school quality to get it. OTOH, when a school seeks 40-50% diversity, it means all sorts of diversity - there are "diverse" kids who are also Jewish!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:48 PM Flag
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Tons of good reasons to dislike all three of those schools and different families have different thresholds so....Trinity---most country club like in its admissions to lower school...assuming you got in, and you are a normal family, not exactly a great environment, also not the smartest kids perse etc. Academics a bid blah in k-8 as well. Ethical, curriculum seems weak for some parents. Math is weak. Intelligence not rewarded. Skewed towards flashier parents as opposed to crunchier parents from back in the day. Dalton: admissions is very skewed towards diversity+ aggressive type families. If you were an international family or a christian family you might find their idea of diversity kind of amusing. Lots of flashy families. Academics sometimes a turnoff for traditional types. Math is not great there. Most families at all three of these schools are happy. These things did not bother them. But if you speak to any family who turned them down for say Collegiate, Brearley or Hunter this is what they might say to you. Nothing wrong with healthy discussion of a school's flaws.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:08 PM FlagThere is another point. We went to a downtown school and bought into the "sell". We expected more from a private school. We thought it would be different than in ended up being. Maybe our expectations were too high? Not sure. But can tell you for $37K a year we did not like it! I have heard others who feel the same as we do, and some who think it is the greatest place.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:54 PM Flag
It's all about fit and vibe. As you tour more schools and are exposed to their culture through various events you will be able to discern what a good fit for your family is. And you will like different schools for different reason and in spite of some flaws. We did some spring tours and loved 3 of the 4 schools we saw. Now after seeing many more in the fall, only 1 of those 3 is in our top 5.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:08 PM Flagi'll bite. trinity - bothered me that they have chapel. I know its supposedly non-denominational, but as a fairly religious jewish family, I just felt WE would not be comfortable (I know there are plenty of jewish families there, it just wasn't for us). dalton, I think you either love or hate it. we loved it but it was not right for DC who needs more structure. because DC needed structure you can see why Ethical was not high on our list either. But each child is different and I do like both Dalton and Ethical for DC#2 (different sex than #1) and very different learner/personality. much more independent and self-starter. We also did not like HM. again, its just not for our family.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 03:31 PM Flag
[+] How do I nicely tell my out of state inlaws that this Christmas is being reserved for... 54 replies
- the core issue here, which is the lack of boundaries when they visit. I think telling them that you're essentially canceling their Christmas is too much (I know you didn't promise yet but you know they're expecting it or you wouldn't be UBing about it), but I think your dh needs to firmly but politely tell them that they can come for two days and THAT'S IT. It seems like the real problem is their assumption that they're invited for an indefinite period of time....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
How do I nicely tell my out of state inlaws that this Christmas is being reserved for our immediate family only? After Thanksgiving, I cannot take another week with them in my home.
54 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 10:56 AM Flag ]tell them you'll be in bermuda and then don't answer the land line for a week
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:01 AM Flag-
This is awfully late to let them down. You can't go for a day or two? And then make a work excuse???
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:04 AM FlagNo, they live on Mars, basically, so it isn't a day or two trip. They are willing to come to us but then they stay for many, many days (I am the Thanksgiving poster who told the story about how they CAME BACK after leaving because the traffic was bad and how DH talked smack about them into the baby monitor, which they heard...but they are still hoping to return!)
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:09 AM Flag
Have they actually been invited? It's different if you're rescinding an invitation vs. clarifying that you're not hosting.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:05 AM FlagNo -- no invite. We are just clarifying (they sent an email last night asking what our plan is, so we need to respond ASAP so that they don't get out mapquest and start plotting all the Burger Kings along the way).
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:07 AM FlagOK, then have your DH email that you (sorry, but you'll have to take the blame here; you'd get it anyway) have decreed that the family is having a sit-pjs-all-day and eat takeout Christmas, as you're exhausted with (fill in the blank). He can suggest you all get together for Easter or Mothers' Day or whatever.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:20 AM Flag
a dh: This is not something you email. You have to own this. "Mom and Dad, this is not easy for me to say but I really want a quiet Christmas with Nygil and Frasier." (That said, if grandma and grandpa are willing to travel, I say Christmas is the wrong holiday to say no to. Tell them next year that you would love to see them for Thanksgiving OR Christmas but both is too much.)
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:11 AM FlagIn our family, T'giving is the big holiday so I don't think missing Xmas will be that big of a deal. DH is scared of them (for good reason) so he is going to have to do an email. Sad, I know.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:13 AM FlagThe "scared of them" issue needs to be resolved, maybe not at Xmas but soon. Scared they will stab him in his sleep? Scared he will be cut out of the will? Scared they will never speak to him again? Scared they will yell at him? You are right to have him handle Xmas himself and face that the world will not end if he disappoints them.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:22 AM FlagNo email. No good will come of it. If they are going to be offended, they will. They will not only stew over it but they will think that you put him up to it -- otherwise, he would have called, all the more so if it is worded in a way he might not have on his own
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:36 AM Flag
Tell them you are going to divide the holidays between families from now on and want them to pick either xmas or thanksgiving for next year. Since they already had thanksgiving this year, you'll be spending xmas with your relatives. this is what most people do
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:18 AM FlagIt is too late to tell them they can't come for Christmas BUT you can tell them when they are invited to arrive, let's say the 23rd or 24th AND make plans to go away somewhere with the kids for a day or two on the morning of the 26th and you can all leave your house at the same time. DH can make those plans via email. During their visit, I would let them then know that next year they are invited for just one holiday. I would ask them again over the summer which they have chosen and make plans to be away for the other immediately. GL.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:57 PM FlagI think you need to address the core issue here, which is the lack of boundaries when they visit. I think telling them that you're essentially canceling their Christmas is too much (I know you didn't promise yet but you know they're expecting it or you wouldn't be UBing about it), but I think your dh needs to firmly but politely tell them that they can come for two days and THAT'S IT. It seems like the real problem is their assumption that they're invited for an indefinite period of time.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:36 PM Flag
[+] Just got this email from step-DD17: Dear [Stepmom], This year for Christmas maybe you... 125 replies
- I don't get the impression that sdd is "dictating". OP doesn't have to follow this to the letter, but sdd was polite, and I see no reason not to go with it a bit....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
Just got this email from step-DD17: Dear [Stepmom], This year for Christmas maybe you shouldn't buy dad any clothing because I don't really think the style that you've picked for him in the past holidays really suits him so well and I know he prefers the outfits that I pick. Would you think about just buying him cologne (will send you brand suggestions) or something else of your choosing? Thanks. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. WWYD?
125 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 10:51 AM Flag ]I'd ignore it. If she's trying to be helpful, it is coming across as controlling. Don't get him cologne.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:53 AM FlagI'm definitely not buying her suggested cologne. I already bought him clothing (and in the past, everything I buy him goes to the top of his favorites list) so I'm not planning to return it. I guess I'm thinking more along the lines of if I should say something to DH/her.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:54 AM Flagnp: Talk to DH, not to her. She'll just take it badly. This obviously means something to her, so maybe you could give him the clothes you already bought when she's not there.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:07 AM Flag
Dear step, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness regarding DH's wardrobe but our gifts are between us. Much love, stepmum. Then go pour yourself a drink; you deserve one!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:54 AM Flagthanks. this is what i'm thinking -- thanks for the draft, because it is much more neutral than the ones i've been working on!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:55 AM FlagI think this might be shutting her down a little too much. If she really meant this in total kindness, I'd engage her a little more than that. Talk about what she thinks his style is, or what she doesn't like about what you've bought before. You don't have to take her advice, but I wouldn't just blow her off when she's asked politely.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:38 PM Flag
Too serious! I would send her a picture of the ugliest outfit I could find and say "But I already got him this", and diffuse it with some humor. She's 17 and probably did not mean anything by it.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:58 AM FlagI like this. and then ask her to find a cologne that will go well with the outfit!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:05 AM FlagExactly! Finally someone with some sense. To think that she's being "bitchy." WTF? Do people not realize that this is simply his teenage daughter? She's not your nasty MIL, she's a child trying to navigate a gift with her stepmother. Sometimes I really dislike the people who frequent this board.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:31 AM FlagShe doesn't need to "navigate" a gift that has nothing to do with her.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:34 AM FlagUh, yes, she does. I often discuss gift ideas for my father with my siblings and mother. I also tell my siblings not to waste their money on items that I know my father doesn't like. I don't see why the stepmother views this as an insult and is carefully wording a response. You can't be this socially dumb.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:36 AM FlagThis is weird. You sound just as bossy and self-centered as the 17yo, if not more so.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:38 AM FlagNot at all. This is often how families communicate with one another. We discuss possible gift ideas and offer suggestions. I don't see anything rude about what the daughter wrote unless you are seeking to be offended.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:41 AM Flag
OMG. She is SO not trying to "navigate a gift." So obvious. Hope you're never a stepmother for your own sake, Pollyanna.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:40 AM Flag
I'd tell your DH that you're not buying him any more clothing. Then i'd ask him what he wanted instead. Then I'd write back to StepDD and tell her that it's no big deal and that you'll buy him something else.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:56 AM Flagha! yes, she should do whatever stepkid wants and just cede her marriage for her benefit. eye roll.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:59 AM FlagUh, it's clothing for Christmas. Why make it a battle when it's in fact quite trivial and unimportant? And reading below about what a monster her StepDD is I think the best thing to do is to choose your battles, and choose them wisely. This is not important and should be brushed off.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:04 AM FlagOP here. I think she is pretty rough with all adults, not just me (as teens often are). But, I already bought all this stuff and I love it, and I know DH will too, so I don't want to return it OR deal with shopping again. I think I am kind of set on this gift, but I also don't want to completely ignore the email.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:06 AM FlagI posted above, but I'll repeat. I think that you should give him the clothes you already bought but do it when she's not there. No reason to rub it in her face. I also think that you should talk to your DH about the email and have him talk to her. She's not nice to you and this will just turn into a fight, and you don't want to have to deal with that. Teenagers suck.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:11 AM Flag-
One person is the child in this situation and one person is the adult. There shouldn't be two children.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:24 AM Flag
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I think it's cute but I would ignore it. I would have probably made fun of clothing that my mother got my father at that age as well. it sounds like she likes/respects you enough to have an open dialog with you!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:56 AM FlagI'd match her candor with candor and say "Actually it does hurt my feelings. I've already bought your father's Christmas presents, and they are clothes that I hope will suit him and he will enjoy. I also really hope that we can all enjoy a nice Christmas together and treat one another with love and respect."
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:10 AM FlagI don't see anything wrong with this and I don't know why you would be offended by a 17yo. She's not your peer. She's a child trying to make a recommendation for her father. Jesus. I can't understand the women on this site. So effing catty.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:29 AM FlagNP. She (DSD) is obviously seeking to offend/insult her stepmother. She's not really a "child" and the main focus of the email is to needle her stepmother more than to make a recommendation for her father. If my daughter (bio) said that to me, I would tell her I am quite familiar with her father's taste and do not need her advice. She's being deliberately rude.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:38 AM FlagIt's only an insult if you want to view it as an insult. As many others have noted, there's nothing insulting about this and yes, 17, is still a child, particularly in this situation.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:40 AM FlagYou don't think saying "I think you have given unwelcome/poor presents in the past" is intended to insult? Really? Not to mention that it is presumptuous to assert that she knows OP's DH's taste better than OP, and to attempt to control what her stepmother gives her father. Now, we're only getting one side of the story, but if the situation is as OP described it, DSD is being rude.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:47 AM Flag
Agree with the above poster that you should fight this one with humor. Send DD this link to these his-n-hers cowboy pajamas w/ backflap. Ask her if she wants her own pair: http://cowboyoutfitters.com/longjohns.html
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:29 AM FlagOh my, you sound awful. It's not a competition. She sent an email, you took offense to it because you are sensitive to the fact that his child thinks she has a better gift idea for him. So what? Jesus. Move on! The fact that you think this merits a discussion with your DH shows what a beast of a step-mother you are in her life. No wonder she prefers to communicate via email.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:35 AM Flag-
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OP. Actually, I think I'm a pretty good stepmother. My stepson is 11, and he tells me that he loves me and we have a wonderful relationship. It is hard to have a relationship with any teenager, let alone a step. I'm asking for advice NOT because I already bought his gifts and I don't know if I should (i) reply and/or (ii) mention to DH that SD sent this note so that he is aware, not so that he spanks her. Goodness. I listen to the wraith stepmothers get on these boards and just shake my head -- it isn't easy. If you have a stepmother in your life I hope you are a lot nicer than you sound here.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:46 AM FlagThe fact that you think this merits a mention to your DH says a lot about you. I stand by that. You sound like a pill.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:50 AM FlagSo if she says nothing and gives DH the gift she already bought SD will get angry. She shouldn't let DH in on the issue? Seems like that is part of being a partner in a marriage. I'm sure DH would want to know.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:53 AM FlagDo I really need to guide her through this situation? Send back an email stating that you already bought the gift and then move on! This doesn't require a conversation with the DH. I know how to be a partner and a mother in a marriage. That's why I'm not on my second marriage.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:58 AM Flag
This is kind of odd. I would probably allow her to give clothing and give something else, since it is obviously meaningful. But it makes me think that something is going on with the girl. You should probably let her dad know, in case it is something he needs to worry about.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:57 AM Flagshe is not trying to suggest a gift. she is telling you that you have a bad taste and from now on, she will buy daddy his clothing. I dont mind her doing that, between her and daddy, they can plan an outing and buy whatever they want with their money. But she is confrontational and has no business telling you not to buy your DH clothing. If she wanted to be gracious, she will offer going with you an "help" you but she was just naughty.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:10 PM Flagnp: actually it's not about the gifts or OP's taste at all. What she is telling OP is that she doesn't like that her father is remarried and she now has to share him and she doesn't want OP to come between her and father. She's not being naughty so much as crying out for some attention. I would tell her father, not so that he will think she is bad and punish her but so that he knows that she needs more of his attention. She's only doing this because she loves her dad. Sucks for OP, but if handled with kindness, maybe someday they will be close.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:21 PM Flagthat's a sensible advice, but IMO, you have to do what you said and also let clear what are the respectful boundaries to have
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:29 PM FlagThis makes the most sense to me if your goal is building a relationship with her. You're getting caught up in the content of the email but what she's letting you know is that she feels still knows her dad better than you (her whole life vs. 2 years) and that she's afraid of losing him. She probably sees that he's becoming someone different because of his relationship with you (not a bad thing!). Take the power out of it. Don't respond to the content but to the feeling. Thanks for the email. I know it's been a rough month for you and want to make sure you guys get some extra special time together. (Does he see her without you anymore?) I already got the gift but would love to go shopping with you next time. Take the high road.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:38 PM FlagYou are right. but is ok for us and op to recognize that she is being bratty, then you can come up with an strategy. And plus it takes some temple to get the high road, most ppl find difficult to deal with such confrontations, specially if you dont have kids. If you have kids, you are really trained to deal with confrontations but otherwise it is mind blowing
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:45 PM Flag
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Eh. I'm sort of impressed that she was so forward, and it sounds like it was polite. I would take it more as a compliment to how comfortable she feels with you than anything else. If you're really set on buying him clothes, maybe email her back telling her what you were thinking of, and asking what she thinks he's like better? I don't think it hurts at all to indulge this a bit. She's giving you an in to do something together.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 12:35 PM Flag-
Most of these posters are not stepmoms. I am to a 16yo. Here's what I'd do: "Dear Jenny, Thanks for letting me know you have ideas about this. I was still planning to buy him some clothing, but I'd love to hear your ideas. Can we find time to shop together or can you send me some links? love, Stepmom"
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:22 PM FlagI would handle this in a way that you aren't being confrontational but aren't letting her think she can order you around. I would either get DH PJs (How can she complain about how you are dressing him for bed when only you will see him?) or buy him a gift card and tell him that you and he will go shopping together and use it so you are still buying him clothes but he will obviously like them because he is helping pick them out.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:25 PM FlagI agree with the posters who said she's a brat, ignore it, don't take it personal and it's a cry for attention. It's tough being 17 while just being 17. It's tough being 17 with divorced parents and one or two new step-parents. You're the adult OP and not every little snotty remark from a 17 year old needs to be be perceived as a battle.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:33 PM FlagOK, OP, can you tell us what sort of clothing this is? I know its not the point of the post, but it has me wondering. I remember shuddering at my mom's selections for my dad's clothing growing up. I remember my mom thinking she picked out the nicest stuff but teenage me thinking it was hideous. Mom, not step mom though... :)
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:58 PM FlagThat's the funny thing: I buy him the same brands he has always worn and that he loves. Arguably they are simple, attractive, nontoxic things. His preferences are Vince for casual, Hugo Boss, Varvatos and occasionally Gucci for work. Basic, simple stuff from Barneys. Rag and Bone if he's going wild. She wants him to wear Ed Hardy
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:42 PM Flag
Dear Jenny, This did hurt my feelings and at this stage, I have bought him some clothes already. When you get here, let's go shopping together and you can show me what you think he would look better wearing. I look forward to seeing you and spending time together. What do you have on your wish list? Good luck with your final exams, I can't believe how quickly this semester has flown by. Love, SM
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:07 PM Flag
[+] What is a non-confrontational way to find out if a guy you have gone out with a few t... 41 replies
Talk : : December 12, 2011
What is a non-confrontational way to find out if a guy you have gone out with a few times is actually gay? Wld prefer to have it "come up in conversation" rather than just sitting him down and asking him if he is gay. How can I make the subject come up? At that point there will need to be a direct question eventually...what is a polite, non-accustory way to ask? Or are there ways to find out without me having to have tje conversation?
41 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 10:14 AM Flag ]-
no clue...but I posted below about him not making any moves or any signs of physical attraction and several people thought perhaps he is gay. it got me wondering...
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:16 AM Flag-
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and yet you expect him to come out of the closet to you in conversation???
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:18 AM Flagwell the reason I won't make a move is because he hasn't responded to any of my other smaller moves...touching his leg, giving him a quick shoulder massage, taking his hand...he doesn't move away but he doesn't reciprocate. So I'd feel like an idiot just jumping and kissing him!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:19 AM Flag
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as i said below, "bring up some 'neutral' conversation about gay rights, gays in the military, gay marriage legality, etc. and just see how he reacts"
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:16 AM FlagNP-- this is SO stupid. I've known a few closeted gay men who are trying to live as if they are heteros. And they are often the most ant-gay people you will ever meet. Think about it: if they can't embrace their own truth or think gay is wrong, why would they be outspoken about supporting gay rights?!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:45 AM Flag
Ask about past relationships, bad break ups, worst first dates, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:17 AM FlagThe issue with this I'm thinking is that if he is gay, he is obviously uncomfortable with it and not completely out, so he will most likely just tell me about experiences w women.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:18 AM FlagWell, ask about his latest breakup. Frankly, I think you need to talk about what's going on directly. He may be in the closet, and not comfortable with it, but he also might be very very shy and have a hard time initiating anything physical. Do you really want to waste more time worrying about this? I think you should tell him, "I've been wondering why you haven't kissed me yet. I think, either you're interested in me romantically, or you are so intimidated by my great beauty you're waiting for me to make the first move. Which is it?"
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:24 AM Flag
You really don't need to know if he's gay. The only thing that would do is soothe your ego if he is gay. All you need to know is whether or not he's interested in you. Either ask him directly, give it a couple of more chances by you initiating/showing your romantic interest in him, or just move on.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:27 AM FlagI think asking a guy who you like if he is gay (even indirectly) is much more awkward than asking him to kiss you or just kissing him. He will likely be offended. Do not do this - it is bad advice. Just be honest and tell him you would love a kiss goodnight. period. Do not over analize this.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:28 AM FlagWhy do women assume a man is gay if he's not trying to get in your pants? You know there are some men out here that have respect for women and may want to get to know you before he tries to sleep with you.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:35 AM FlagOP I'm not talking about sleeping together! I'm talking about ANY sign of physical attraction...holding my hand...a good night kiss...putting his arm around me...something. The only remote sign is he told me on the first date that I smelled good and then apologized for it ?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:38 AM FlagNP: Sounds like this guy is super-unsmooth. Is he very religious? May be that he's been single/ out of the game forever, and he doesn't know how these things work. You're going to have to take the lead here. He'll probably appreciate it. If he doesn't, then you've got your answer and can stop wasting your time.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:41 AM Flagnot religious at all...he does refer to himself as "old" a lot, and me as "young'. I am only 6 years younger but for some reason he thinks it seems like a lot. He brings up how all his friends are married with kids. Says he doesn't want to be an old dad because he wants to have energy to play w the kids..uses terms like "if I get married" etc. bring his age up a lot
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:52 AM Flag
even if he's gay, he's obviously not going to admit it to you-- since he seems to be trying to live as a straight man. You'd be the last person he'd tell since 1) he's pretending to be straight for you and 2) you don't really know him *that* well. Look a normal, hetero male actually enjoys physical activity. 37 is a little old to be shy. He's either gay or something else that is not what you want to get involved with in the dating arena.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:41 AM FlagFriend him on Facebook. Should be pretty easy to tell from that.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:57 AM Flag
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[+] Admittedly dumb Facebook etiquette question: I have some younger cousins in their ear... 9 replies
- You can totally comment on their posts. I love it when my older cousins/aunts comment on my posts with their perspective. Just don't be political or refer to them when they were babies....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
Admittedly dumb Facebook etiquette question: I have some younger cousins in their early 20's who are my FB "friends." They sent the request. I don't know all that well. If they write something interesting on their walls, or post a nice photo, etc. is it the done thing for me to comment, or is that more for people they hang out with day to day?
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 07:24 AM Flag ]You can totally comment on their posts. I love it when my older cousins/aunts comment on my posts with their perspective. Just don't be political or refer to them when they were babies.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:36 AM FlagI think it's fine to comment. I have lots of random "friends" on Facebook, ranging from old teachers to great-aunts to younger cousins, plus random assorted friends and acquaintances. I like the randomness of who comments and who doesn't. Don't feel pressured to do so, though. Either way is fine.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:04 AM Flag
[+] Have you ranked your middle school choices yet? How many did you choose? Did you ge... 5 replies
- The form was filled out and returned on Friday. No help from guidance counselor, but at parent teacher conf. I asked the teacher's opinion. Teacher was polite, but careful. We pretty much are going to just pray. Number one school is Salk for us....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
Have you ranked your middle school choices yet? How many did you choose? Did you get any individual input from guidance counselors or teachers, or did you just have to figure out everything yourself?
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 05:51 AM Flag ]
[+] Has anyone been disappointed with their engagement ring? What happens if this occurs?... 35 replies
- a friend of mine complained incessantly about how she hated her engagement ring. She was complaining to the wrong audience! I'm married now but I still remember how obnoxious she was. I would say to get a wedding ring you really really like and politely make clear you want to pick it out. Then just wear that. At some point, a few years down the road you can see what feels right to you about the engagement ring....
Talk : : December 11, 2011
Has anyone been disappointed with their engagement ring? What happens if this occurs?
35 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.11.11, 07:14 PM Flag ]I was disappointed not to receive one, and was called a materialistic baby for asking if I could have one 6 months after the anticlimactic proposal.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:18 PM FlagI was disappointed with the larger size and poorer quality. I would much rather have a smaller better quality ring.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:23 PM FlagI broke it off immediately. Once I saw it I realized that he didn't know me. Things were obviously not where they should have been but the ring was the icing on the cake.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:28 PM Flag-
^^^OR: A number of reasons. Everyone close to me knows that I love history and the romance of vintage items. Instead, he goes to the jewelry store that's located within our local grocery store and buys this exact ring: http://www.fredmeyerjewelers.com/Products/1_ct_tw_Diamond_Three_Stone_Anniversary_Ring--1391267.aspx It was so cheesy and hideous. Who goes to the grocery store to buy a diamond? WTF? Then, who pays this much for a crap ring? It had nothing to do with the fact that it was relatively inexpensive (and yes, he could have afforded far better), but everything to do with the fact that he didn't put any thought into it. I just realized that the kind of person who thinks it's wise to go to the grocery store to buy a diamond was not the kind of man I wanted to be married to. I respect a guy who knows to go to the source, gets quotes, understands the business and makes the right decision.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:41 PM Flagthe kind of man I wanted to be married to. I respect a guy who knows to go to the source, gets quotes, understands the business and makes the right decision.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:46 PM FlagSo, did you find that guy - because I get that the first one was unsophisticated and well, guy-like, but the second sounds a little too persnickity and well, into it, for my tastes (trying not to say metrosexual). I'd have been put off by the grocery store, but the setting is lovely, IMO.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:13 AM Flag
A lot of the above advice is good. All I can say is don't complain to your single friends about it. I was going through a rough patch with a boyfriend and a friend of mine complained incessantly about how she hated her engagement ring. She was complaining to the wrong audience! I'm married now but I still remember how obnoxious she was. I would say to get a wedding ring you really really like and politely make clear you want to pick it out. Then just wear that. At some point, a few years down the road you can see what feels right to you about the engagement ring.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:19 PM FlagWhat if you say, "Oh, honey, this is beautiful but it's just not my taste. Can we take the stones and re-set it in a setting/style we choose together that reflects both my taste and yours? I will be wearing it every day and want to enjoy it fully." I see you said that the stone is big but poor quality; maybe you can 'trade it in' when re-setting? If you think that is a bad idea though, just get a wide wedding band that precludes your wearing an engagement ring too :-)
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:32 PM FlagMarriage #1, hated ring. It wasn't the cost, because we didn't have money and I didn't care about the size or quality or anything. It was just so... ugly... I wished I could have no ring until we had more money later. Proposal was a HUGE surprise to me (we were really young) and I desperately wanted and tried to like the ring. Was so relieved to take it off when we divorced. Marriage #2, asked for no engagement ring because I still don't feel great about spending money that way on a ring, even though we have the money. Much better relationship all around.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:46 PM Flag
[+] DH when dating would, occasionally, smoke a cigarette. Always outside the apartment, ... 42 replies
- I think I am being polite and reasonable. He calls it nagging. It is a curtailing of his masculine right apparently....
Talk : : December 11, 2011
DH when dating would, occasionally, smoke a cigarette. Always outside the apartment, was scrupulous about maintaining fresh clothes & breath, I made a huge exception to date him. I am a non-smoker and find it repulsive, always have. Fast forward 3 years, he regularly smokes inside opening a window, breath is disgusting, I can smell it in the apartment even with window open, when I object he calls me a nag, says it is his home to do as he pleases. We have a 9m old baby.
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.11.11, 06:29 PM Flag ]Divorce. Sorry, but you should have seen this coming. I would have made 100% quitting an absolute requirement to being engaged.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:33 PM Flag-
I'm a pediatric NP, and that smoke lingers on his clothes, his breath, your furniture, and on you. And your baby inhales it every day. Look anywhere online for info about second hand smoke and its relationship to SIDS, as well as other childhood ailments. I have no clue why you chose to marry a smoker, but since you have, you need to educate him about how much he is harming his child, and take the steps necessary to protect your baby-- last resort being moving out of course.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:34 PM FlagWe are both MDs. I am fully aware of the risks (and so is he) which is one reason I object so strenuously and find it so revolting. He made such an effort before it was like dating a non-smoker. He still only smokes 1-2 at a time, but ANY in the house is too many for me, and even coming back from outside with smoky breath/clothes is just gross.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:38 PM FlagIf he is an MD then he knows the repercussions, which tells me he must be truly addicted. I'd have him get help for his addiction, but if he refuses to, then honestly I wouldn't want to live with him. At least have him chance his clothes when he comes in and wash his face/hands/mouth. That is what I tell my patients' parents if they make it clear- either by actions or words- that they refuse to quit.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:41 PM Flagyeah he doesn't' take well to that kind of direction. I had to lay down the law about him changing out of scrubs when DB was a newborn. Scrubs had been in the ICU.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:44 PM FlagThat's repulsive. When I worked in the hospital, those scrubs went in the washing machine before I did a single other thing. I dunno, sounds like he has the "invincible man" disease. Aka, he sees bad things every day but thinks it will never apply to him and his family. But he is wrong.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:51 PM Flagooh yuck. i'm a paramedic and i NEVER walk in the house with my uniform on. I feel like I'm walking around with MRSA all over me by the end of my shift (or, let alone feces, urine and vomitus)... can't believe he wears scrubs in the house! then again most MDs I know never wear gloves with pts whereas we are beaten with a tire iron if we don't glove up :)
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:40 PM Flag
My DH smokes. We both smoked when we met and agreed to quit when we got married. I did, but he didn't. That was 15 yrs ago!
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:35 PM FlagCan you promise not to "nag" him if he just goes and smokes outside?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:42 PM FlagI'm 33, single and definitely feel I cannot be too choosey. But smoking will always be a deal breaker for me.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:46 PM Flagomg is that you again or you are someone else who also dumb enough to marry a smoker?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:50 PM FlagSomeone else I guess. Don't know who you're talking about. I was 37 and single and childless. Marrying someone who occasionally smoked a cigarette outside of my company and cleansed himself of it so completely that it was like he didn't smoke at all seemed like a decent compromise at the time.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:53 PM Flagnp: I think you were correct. I also think this is not grounds for divorce, he just needs to realize how important it is to you. I would come up with some solutions (like him going outside) and see if he is willing to compromise if you don't nag. Nagging never works.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:57 PM FlagNp: of course the smoking is just the tip of the iceberg. Was he bullied or abused as a kid? Alcoholic parents? There's usually some creepy backstory, and/or mood disorder. Deep seated self hated, anxiety, ADHD, ugh. Read Terrence Real. And/or driven to distraction.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:59 PM Flag
some people really can't quit but it sounds like he doesn't even want to. this is another time when you have to lay down the law--he gets to smoke outside only. that's it. be strong. he'll get used to it. also, he should try wellbutrin to quit if he has any inclination.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:55 PM FlagWellbutrin, at least 300mg. I took 450mg at 120lbs, (and zoloft, he could probably use an anti anxiety as well.) I'd insist on therapy, at least weekly, and meds. Focus on that for a few months, see how it goes, make plans to leave. When you've got exit planned, give ultimatum. And follow through. When he's ready to quit, Allan Carr's easy way is helpful.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:05 PM Flag
Smoking is so addictive. Everyone I know who still smokes is always trying to quit. Nagging isn't going to help. You just turn youtself into his mother. Ask what you can do to help. He may be trying and failing. If he has no desire to quit and won't smoke outside, you have to decide if you are going to stay or leave
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:01 PM FlagAs a smoker, I can tell you that its incredibly hard to quit even though you want to. My advice to you is to tell him to go outside to smoke. He knows the harm smoking causes him, but he's an adult and chooses to do it. He also knows the harm second hand smoke does to your db, but your db has no choice. Don't nag him about quitting; he'll only quit when he's ready to. It's too difficult of a habit to quit for somebody else. GL!
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:20 PM Flag
[+] The only time it"s quiet I'm my apartment, is when my neighsbors are either sleep or ... 15 replies
- out when she appreciated quiet (at her kids' bed times) and made a point of lowering our tvs stereo etc at those times and let her know when we appreciated quiet (weekend mornings probably). We called when it seemed excessive and made polite requests. They did not become silent, but it got much more livable and much less stressful. Don't let it effect your blood pressure so much - it's not worth it....
Talk : : December 11, 2011
The only time it"s quiet I'm my apartment, is when my neighsbors are either sleep or gone. It makes absolutly no sense why they are so f*cking loud.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.11.11, 08:53 AM Flag ]I completely sympathize with you. Our neighbor is sleep training and the bedroom walls are shared. We are woken up every single night at 4 AM by this baby's crying and it lasts for quite some time. I'm also in my 3rd trimester with my first child and would really like to be able to sleep.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:55 AM Flag-
Tell me about it, I have so been there. Do you own your home, could you consider soundproofing your apt?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:56 AM FlagI rent, but the landlord doesn't seem to care, so what can I do to sound proof my apartment. I open to ideas.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:01 AM FlagAsk your LL if he has any suggestions. You might find a city ordinance that provides guidance. A certain level of noise might be considered too much, and then the LL has to make improvements to your apt, whether he or she cares or not! You or your LL could pay for a carpenter to sound proof your walls. It's not a massively difficult or expensive job. It does eat up some sq ft of floor space, though.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:28 AM Flag
Sorry you must be my neighbor. My son doesn't have a walk mode, it's only run, jump, or dance like Lurch Adams.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:08 AM FlagI'm with you. Our apartment is built like a fortress and my upstairs neighbors with three little kids are STILL so freaking loud it is unbelievable. We lived here for 2 years and never heard a peep from upstairs and in the last 6 months or so it's constant. It always sounds like they are moving furniture, building furniture, bowling, bouncing balls, and they drop stuff all the time.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:28 AM FlagI had this when I lived in the village. My roomate blew her stack at the upstairs neighbor and really made things worse. I went up a few days later when things were quiet, spoke to the Mom and exchanged numbers. I found out when she appreciated quiet (at her kids' bed times) and made a point of lowering our tvs stereo etc at those times and let her know when we appreciated quiet (weekend mornings probably). We called when it seemed excessive and made polite requests. They did not become silent, but it got much more livable and much less stressful. Don't let it effect your blood pressure so much - it's not worth it.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:39 AM FlagI ha e started banging on the ceiling. They are so loud, as if they are plaYing football and tackle and basket all. Screming their heads off too. They do not have carpeti g and i am afraid tonpush that issue because they are the dirtiest people around (bathtub coated in black dirt). I went in once eith the super and said hi to the mom. WWYD?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 12:15 PM Flag
[+] Any current parents of tt ongoing private schools - would love to hear pros and cons ... 150 replies
- Bright kids, dedicated teachers, fantastic educational philosophy, lots of labs which are an outstanding part of the Dalton kid, mostly very polite, nice, intelligent kids ( of course there are exceptions). Cons: too much stress, too much homework, school administration that cares more about protecting its reputation than watching out for the kids' well being....
Talk : : December 11, 2011
Any current parents of tt ongoing private schools - would love to hear pros and cons of your school. Please serious replies only. This would help those going through the application process now. Anyone feeling generous? Please serious replies only.
150 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.11.11, 05:52 AM Flag ]-
Pros-large school with numerous strengths including math, science, arts, theatre, music, and athletics. You can find your niche somewhere at HM. The faculty expect your best effort and demand hard work. I think this work ethic is the key to success in life no matter what field of work one finally enters. Beautiful campus outside of the city. I'm glad my daughter doesn't go to the local brasserie for lunch. Diversity is strong in middle and upper divisions Cons - ridiculous wealth, parents tend to mix with their own kind (both culturally/finance vs nonfinace), diversity just ok in nursery and lower school. I don't find the amount of work as a negative as personally I feel it is a strength in long run.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:32 AM FlagWe came to HM during middle school so parents' interactions are not an issue anymore as kids are more independent. DC has kids from every economic group. Diversity is impressive. Usually dumb rich kids hang out with their own ilk, and the bookish kids regardless of SES hang out together - kids will always find something at school that they like and a group of kids that are like-minded. Academics is fantastic, teachers are great, and the pressure cooker reputation is misplaced. The demands are hight but reasonable.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:53 AM Flag
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High school parent here. Pros: it's an incredible education and because of its size and history the boys feel a tremendous bond (even when they join only for hs as mine did)as a class and school. The sports, arts, and other club options are fabulous and a sense of pride in excellence permeates all that they take on. Cons: the workload is really, really heavy and the grading is very hard. My oldest - now a senior at Yale - gets A's there, had a 2300+ on his SATs and 5s on APs, but his grades at Collegiate were always only a mix of As and Bs. Boys who can't hack it do get counseled out and it would be rough if your son isn't ready to put the work in.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:13 AM FlagWhat age do they start really counseling out? Middle school?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 10:31 AM FlagIf that's the case why is their legacy policy so generous? Not trying to be snarky...it seems like a very serious place academically. But that seems at odds with accepting all legacies....
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 02:08 PM Flag
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K and 3rd grade parent here. Pros: great kids, serious place, emphasis on substance, appreciation of a sense or humor, appreciation of all kinds of boys. Cons: they give such a bad tour and don't care about explaining themselves, so it's really hard to "get" the school on a tour. Also, it's small. Fine for now, but maybe it feels really small later on?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 05:21 PM Flag
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pros: ideal peer group for dc, dedicated faculty, structured individualized curriculum. cons: need more space
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:40 AM Flag-
+1 on the peer group. Well-mannered children. Not to mention these 5 year olds are the only kids who actually get my 5 yo son's jokes and play on words. Pretty amazing how well mentally they relate to each other. There's definitely a special connection with a profound impact on how they influence each other's learning and motivation to think more broadly and deeply about anything.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:21 AM FlagBig Pro: The peer group for sure. Frankly speaking, if you have a highly gifted kid (like mine) there's really no other option if you want to stay in NYC. My kid can be pretty intense and high energy as are many of the kids there. The teachers (all schooled in gifted education) really know how to channel that intensity and energy. The school gets slammed for being a pressure cooker. Truth is it's rigor without pressure. The kids there thrive on rigor. They crave it. Speyer is an extraordinary place filled with extraordinary kids but it's not for everyone, ... certainly not for the vast majority.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:34 PM Flag
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OK, I'll jump in. DC only just started, in 9th grade, though, so we haven't had a long stretch of experience with the school. DC was coming from public. So far my sense is that the teachers are excellent, love their jobs, and encourage and help the students, and that the students are talented and serious about what they do, and nice kids. DC is working hard; there's plenty of homework, but DC is very happy. Has made lots of friends. Very diverse, and I haven't met any snobs, despite massive socioeconomic range. Cons? I understand that space is an issue for the running of the school. They are focusing on it, but I guess it must have some fallout. They have a whole sports field on a roof, but obviously they don't themselves have the space for sports that a campus school would have. But they do use Central Park, which I think is pretty cool. GL to all going through the process this year.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:00 AM Flag
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pros: downtown location, great literacy program, coed. cons: small cramped classrooms. wish it would stay k-8.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:05 AM FlagDO NOT GO if you are not prepared for the "church" part of Grace Church
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:15 AM FlagTruthfully the church part is nothing compared with the horribly inept and crazy administration. There is no real philosophy there. Today we will focus on character education, tomorrow we'll say we are emphasizing cultural div., tomorrow who knows. They are all over the place.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 01:57 PM Flag
Former GCS parent. Math and writing programs were lacking. Heard too many stories of kids going into 9th grade being woefully under prepared. Social scene was reminiscent of Mean Girls (and Boys).
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:14 AM FlagAnother former GCS parent here: We found the writing program great if child opts for Social Institutions and World Writers over Latin. Math program is improving. Another plus is a beautiful gym and a strong music and drama program. Kids can audition for the church choir, which is an amazing opportunity. The trips abroad for 7th and 8th graders are fantastic (currently exchange programs with schools in China, India, Japan, and also trips to France and Spain).
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:20 AM Flag
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Pros: inspiring philosophy, academics are much richer than they let you know in the admissions process, kids are very happy and love school, some truly wonderful teachers (class and specials), great proximity and use of Central Park, large classrooms, and Fieldston is amazing. Also the parent body is with few exceptions lovely. Cons: Continual turnover in administration (which luckily has had little affect on the classroom but it has to end sometime) and weak sibling policy with no early decision. Too many darn applicants.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:21 PM Flag
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Bright kids, dedicated teachers, fantastic educational philosophy, lots of labs which are an outstanding part of the Dalton kid, mostly very polite, nice, intelligent kids ( of course there are exceptions). Cons: too much stress, too much homework, school administration that cares more about protecting its reputation than watching out for the kids' well being.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 10:10 AM FlagNP: I agree with everything you said, except the stress and homework. Which grade are you talking about? Curious because DC is in middle school and the homework is very manageable and the teachers seemed very concerned with not stressing the kids. Perhaps it's going to get worse in the upper grades...
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 10:21 AM FlagYou have to work hard, but my DC isn't so much stressed. As long as you plan it well and keep track of what you need to do, it is fine. Teachers are available for labs for any questions or help, and workload is manageable. I think it really depends on the kids. My DC is thoroughly enjoying the program and we couldn't have asked for more.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 12:21 PM Flag
More cons: HS science program, music program and competition/help with college placement. Another pro: in general the community is down to earth
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 02:16 PM Flag-
Well, if your DC is really good at math, they will provide an individualized program for your DC. The math teachers are wonderful. They will teach your DC whatever s/he can learn.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:34 AM FlagNP: Dalton parent and the math program has been great, very individualized so kids who are ready can move forward as quickly as they like, with wonderful teachers and a creative curriculum.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:44 AM FlagI have had almost a dozen Dalton HS students and parents tell me they love the school but math is unchallenging for truly mathy kids and very uncreative later on. And these are people who love the school and would choose it again no matter what. Even know a kid who wrote an op ed in the newspaper about it! She was so articulate about how bad the math is at Dalton, it actually made the school seem really excellent since clearly her critical thinking skills, expression abilities and courage were amazing!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:14 PM FlagDC is not in HS yet, but has been fully challenged and engaged in math so far, including Math Olympiad and other competitions. I believe that the Strategic Plan called for a review of all subjects and math may have been done last year, so changes may have been made to improve the math since your friends complained.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:38 PM FlagI don't know the kid who wrote that op ed, but was she really good at math? Was she part of Dalton math team? It's strange to hear that since some of the incredible math kids are in Dalton HS.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:41 PM Flag
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what is St. Bernard's like? I am thinking about applying my third grader for fourth.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:13 AM FlagPros: Rigorous curriculum that includes mandatory French, Latin and Geography along with the other core classes; amazing English classes; great teachers; strong and cohesive sense of identity for boys; big emphasis on public speaking, writing and manners. Lots of physical activity for the boys. Cons: They don't really cater to a variety of learning styles, and they tend to teach to the top 30% of the class; a few old time teachers who are pretty strict; lack of diversity; small but visible "society" clique, but this hasn't bothered us at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 11:11 AM Flag
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Agree with above poster but would add: wonderful teachers and absolutely terrific administrators - the head of the lower school and the head of school are just amazing. We love everything about it (and we are not fancy glitzy people - we are a two-working-parent family and I went to public school as a kid).
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:59 AM Flag
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UNIS doesn't even deserve to be on a list with some of these other "low life" schools. UNIS deserves a list of its own!
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 12:58 PM Flagdc is in the junior school. pros: great foreign language instruction, very diverse and inclusive environment; many students take the DOE buses and they are not shared with other schools; cons: math curriculum is weak; inconvenient location, unless you live at Waterside Plaza
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 01:18 PM Flag
I might have missed something in past postings, but it seems to me that once people are paying upwards of 25K for private school, they rarely have anything but pros to say about it. It's unfortunate because I too would be interested in an insider's balanced view. I guess there is something about paying that much, though, that has the effect of convincing you the place is without flaw.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 06:25 AM Flag-
Are these the same schools that are regularly crucified on UB? How do you explain the HUGE disconnect?
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 01:29 PM Flagbecause the crucification comes from the people who did not get in. the take away shoudl be that we have many wonderful schools in the city. these privatges are all wonderful in how they celebrate the kids and learning. most of the schools check the wealth at the door but socially get more difficult as the kids mature and have very different lives in the summer, on breaks and on the weekends.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:09 AM FlagFew people feel comfortable being honest about their dc's school. My dc is at a TT school and I could list 15 things wrong with it. Would I air the dirty laundry on UB? No.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:29 AM FlagIf I found 15 things wrong with a school I would consider changing schools. DC is at a TT and we are really happy and grateful that DC is getting such a great education. Some people are honestly happy with their school.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 10:14 AM Flagnp: It depends on the 15 things. Along the lines of "Not getting a good education" or "One of the hallways always smells like old cheese."
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 11:56 AM FlagExactly. Also, some people are just clueless. Every teacher will tell you that every school has a crew of bad teachers, even in TT private. There are areas each school can improve in. Some parents just need to think it's all great. Of course, a school only improves and innovates if it can endure criticism and respond to it.....
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 02:16 PM Flag
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Left a supposedly TT private to go here and it was the best move possible. DC feels at home where education, and not the size of ones second (or third) house, mattered. BTW, DC has an active social life, in addition to an A average. In a typical year, >50% of the graduates go to an Ivy or TT college.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 03:52 PM Flag
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Very happy - no real complaints. Amazing teachers, very nurturing, very focused on my child's' happiness. Tons of individual focus/learning. Lots of great schools out there - we had to choose between HM, Dalton and Riverdale...this was the right choice for our DC and family. Cons - the building process (phys part) is still on going (and likely will not stop) which means the facilities get better every year but it also feel unfinished.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:33 AM Flag
OP: Thanks for the replies. Would love to hear more from Horace Mann, St Anns, Collegiate, Speyer, Trinity, Grace.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 07:50 PM Flag-
Pros: great facilities and lots of open space outside and inside; some of the nicest, most down-to-earth families you can find anywhere; administration that truly cares about providing a positive and nurturing learning environment without being too soft; dedicated teachers.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:00 AM Flag
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[+] I am really attracted to a woman who is much younger than I am. I've been out of the... 103 replies
- She'd be polite, not friendly....
Talk : : December 09, 2011
I am really attracted to a woman who is much younger than I am. I've been out of the dating scene for many years, so maybe I don't know how to read the signals, but I think she is interested. We are definitely friends, but I want to know if I have a chance with her. She is very attractive, and I am sure is not hard pressed for male attention. I'm crazy about her. What can I do? Is age really a big a deciding factor for women?
103 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 01:41 PM Flag ]-
Here's the thing. We've gone out a bunch of times, but it's always casual friendly sort of "hanging out." It's never a proper date. I'm afraid that I'm in the friends territory, and there's no turning back.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:51 PM Flagok, then now is the time to bring out the "old man charm." Being old is obviously to your disadvantage in most areas, but there are some pros to being old, the main one of them being that you don't have to play the part of the angst-ridden twenty or thirty something who doesn't know how to get himself out of the "friend zone". Come on, this is where your generation should shine! Call her up on the phone and formally ask her on a date and then do it up right. Ask her to wear a nice dress, make a reservation at a nice place, pick her up at her door, bring her some flowers, use a car and driver, pull out her chair, order a nice bottle of wine. She'll either eat it up or she won't, but if you're going to do this, go for it!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:58 PM Flagnp I am in my 30s, dating, and I would hate that. Really and truly. That would be too creepy, and it would serve to remind me of just how much older (and how DIFFERENT) the guy is. When I go out I want casual, relaxed dates, not planned formal occasions where I am told to wear a fancy dress. Don't do this OP. It will just remind her of how different you two are.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:04 PM FlagHonestly, though, all your response tells me is that you are not the kind of woman who would date a man 25 years older than you, and that's fine, but that means you wouldn't date OP no matter what he did. OP is trying to find out if his friend feels this way or if she is the type of woman who would go for an older man, and if she is, it has to be because she appreciates the differences, not because OP convinces her to pretend it's not there.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:07 PM FlagWell, I think it goes to the NP's point, that she'll either eat it up or not. If she doesn't, he knows. It's more of a test than an out-and-out wooing. He's wooing her now.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:10 PM Flagnp from above here again, and PLEASE, you are wrong. I don't age-discriminate when I date, and I would have no problem at all dating a man in his 50s, but I would have a problem dating a GRANDPA. He doesn't have to "test" her by acting old. Most women (especially young women) would find that sort of "date" incredibly creepy and awkward. And for the record, if a 35 year old did that, I would be turned off too.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:16 PM Flag
Hmmm. I disagree. Having read through the whole thread (yes, that's right, I have no life) it seems to me that OP is going for this whole youthful angle. He works out, he looks good, they have a lot of cultural things in common (I presume they like the same books/movies/etc). I don't think he should play up the creepy old man angle. My advice is to just work on the friendship, and the romance will come naturally (or not). But it's not a good idea to push it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:26 PM FlagUh, yea, do this only if you never want to talk to her again.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:54 PM Flag
how much is much younger? It's not out of the question if you're George Cloony hot or fabulously wealthy. But as far as a long term relationship goes, it won't make sense for her to hook her net to your fading star. But stranger things have happened. Tell use what you think the signals are and we'll tell you if she's just being friendly. Also give us yours and her HHI and height, weight, fitness to see if you should take a chance on it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:47 PM Flag22 years older. I am attractive and in very good shape, but not exceptionally attractive or exceptionally wealthy (although I am very comfortable). Signals, not sure. She spends a lot of time with me. When I email her, she responds right away. When I call her, she seems to drop whatever she is doing to talk. She tells me how great I am. But you have to understand that she is very nice and friendly, and maybe she's like this naturally, and with everybody.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:57 PM Flag-
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I don't know. the difference is more than 20 years. Do you have a lot of money?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:52 PM FlagIf you are both divorced with children, then it is possible that she is interested. How do you socialize? Dinners out together, events with the kids, coffee, etc?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:52 PM Flagnp: I would say if she is done having kids, you have a chance. Are you financially stable? That's appealing.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 01:53 PM Flag
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I'm a relative exception in that I'm married to a man 20 years older than me (we married at 31/51). I never viewed his age as an impediment to how I felt about him. so we are probably few and far between but we do exist!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:03 PM Flagaren't you worried about when you are in your fifties and he is in his seventies? I'm not flaming you, I'm genuinely curious. I have a gorgeous friend who could have had her pick of men and she picked an average middle class joe over twenty years older than herself. They are really happy, but I always wonder if she worries about the inevitable?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:09 PM Flagno - one can never be certain of course, but my DH was and still is very healthy - we're very conscious of taking care of ourselves, sometimes more so than guys closer to my age who (after getting married) have let themselves go and gain weight, drink to excess, never exercise, etc. I'm just as concerned with my DH as I would be with any guy who didn't take his health seriously.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:13 PM Flag
A couple of weeks ago I would have said you are crazy, but I have met FIVE women in their twenties married to or dating guys at least twenty years older them and they don't all have money! I think it is nuts because I wouldn't want to be caring for a grandpa while in my forties or fifties, but I guess it is working for quite a few people.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:05 PM Flag-
I think it's too late. Your relationship has already veered into the "just friends" territory, so it's going to be hugely risky to try to steer it to the romantic side. You risk losing a friend.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:08 PM Flagyou often do you work out? I'm trying to decide if you're a young enough 50-something to snag a 30-something.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:09 PM FlagI work out almost every day. I am in really good shape. Thin, have all my hair, no gut.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:22 PM Flagyou work out, you feel young, look good, you have a good friendship with this woman. I think you might be a silver fox...I think you have to ask her directly if she's ever thought about taking your friendship to the next level. Emphasize that the friendship is really important to you but you've been having thoughts of something more. Just talk about it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:53 PM Flag
Is she divorced? She may legitimately want an older dude who has BTDT.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:10 PM FlagI am dating older men (5-10 yrs older, but I am already OLD myself) and can tell you that you MUST be fit, healthy, active and open-minded to appeal to such a younger woman. No woman wants to be a nurse as time passes, nor does she want to be a 'purse' so your financial independence/health is key as well.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:14 PM Flag-
No, I am not. This friendship is incredibly important to me. On the other hand, having her in my life makes it impossible for me to date anyone else.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:25 PM Flagnp: This is a difficult situation. You can't fight chemistry and in my many years of dating (I didn't get married until I was 40), I learned early on that friends are friends because one party does not feel the same romantic chemistry that the other party does. I think you need to move on to a woman who has romantic feelings toward you. Why didn't you make the move sooner? It's all too awkward now.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:36 PM Flag
I don't think this is a matter of age. You are friends. You are already in the friends territory. At this point, you just need to stay friends, spend time together, and see what happens. Maybe that moment will just come naturally. But definitely don't push it. FWIW, I'd give this same advice to a 35 yo.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:29 PM FlagITD! Stop torturing yourself, man up, and tell her how you feel. And, I'd also give that same advice to a 35 yo.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:32 PM Flag
I think friends can mature into more. Why not a date with light-hearted dancing, wine and fun, where maybe she will see you in a different light. I bet she already does but is feeling like you - pondering age difference, the possible risk of losing a friend and going so slow it's almost imperceptible.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:52 PM Flag-
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She works with my brother. I met her at a party at his house, almost a year ago. We hit it off right away. Exchanged emails and phone numbers. We have a lot in common. Started hanging out.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:09 PM FlagShe's probably attracted to you! Why have you waited so long to make a move?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:24 PM FlagWe became friends. I kept thinking something would just happen, but it didn't. I wish I could figure out a way to kiss her.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:26 PM Flag
The answer here is exceedingly simple. You need to create to both get drunk together and see what happens.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:15 PM FlagNP:I am another person who apparently has no life and read this whole thing. How often - how many times a week - do you have dinner?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:44 PM FlagHa. Me too. Do you see her whenever she doesn't have her kids? How old are your kids? I am divorced and think that two divorced parents (no matter age difference) who spend a lot of time together might be really great for each other. If she's a mom to young kids and spends her free time with you, I doubt she wants to date some young childless guy.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:21 AM Flag
[+] if you have had a DS in the last year or 2, have you circumcised? 55 replies
- is not true. the statistics are very much race and ethnicity dependent, both in the US (for example, CA has very low rates, both bc of immigration from Asia where it's less prevalent and a less traditional environment socially and politically). Even ignoring these issues, a 55-65% rate is not *rare*...
Talk : : December 09, 2011
if you have had a DS in the last year or 2, have you circumcised?
55 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 12:12 PM Flag ]OP: will DS have a tough time later on if we don't circumcise?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:19 PM Flag-
This is not true. the statistics are very much race and ethnicity dependent, both in the US (for example, CA has very low rates, both bc of immigration from Asia where it's less prevalent and a less traditional environment socially and politically). Even ignoring these issues, a 55-65% rate is not *rare* http://kidshealth.org/parent/system/surgical/circumcision.html.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:24 PM Flag
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Yes - ds had prenatal hydronephronsis (enlarged kidney) which increases risk of UTIs so it was much healthier for him to do so. I am Jewish and we probably would have circ'd anyway but that sealed the deal.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:24 PM Flagand btw it was totally fine. dr used numbing cream, it took a second, dc barely noticed. the multiple blood draws for jaundice on the other hand, he screamed his baby head off and it was horrible.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:26 PM FlagSo did my son, lots of boys are born w this, still, no need for this procedure, sorry to say. A Jewish doctor will tell you otherwise. My son is 4 and his hydronephrosis is gone, never had a uti or any other type of problem. Let's chop our breasts off to prevent cancer...
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:26 PM Flag
No. Judging from what I see at his older sister's daycare, he won't have a problem, since none of the boys in his class are, except one whose mom is Israeli.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:24 PM Flag-
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np:oh c'mon. it isn't that strange to see naked children in day care. Why does everybody have to make it sounds dirty?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:34 PM Flagshe is saying she sees ALL of them? how can she know about all of them? i would see kids getting changed and just not register this fact
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:36 PM FlagThere's six boys in the class- the kids have all been together since about age 5 mos. I know them all and know their families really well. The point is- most are European and Asian, so it's not that unsual that they didn't circ. Personally, I have no dog in this fight. I didn't circumcise my son because my DH didn't want to. Had I married a guy who wanted to, I would have circumcised, since my parents opted for my brother and I didn't see it as an uncommon practice.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:40 PM Flag
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My high school bf wasn't, it occurred to recently that may have been the reason I got BV so many times. Well that and the fact that he was a dirty 16-year-old stoner who didn't shower enough. Maybe I'm just justifying the ambivalence I feel because my husband is insisting on it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:36 PM FlagPp. Also, husband is european and prefers we do not circumsize. If taught how to properly use a bidet and/or keep clean his penjs, a child should not have any problems. However, i must admit, i find a circumsized penis so much more attractive, but thats what i grew up seeing (no, not when i was a little child!)
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:31 PM FlagNo. DS is 2.5. I thought circ was "normal" until I read up, not sure what prompted me. DH did some reading, didn't want to do it either. Cousin and her dh were planning to do it, but couldn't go through with it once their guy was born. It isn't a big deal, just be prepared that many docs are biased toward circ.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:32 PM Flag
[+] What makes Bush a better President than Obama OR what makes Obama a better president ... 63 replies
- I am using that as an example of the extreme criticism that Bush received while president. The media and everyone questioned his every statement and move. That's great. That's how politics should operate under a democracy. While I think the monkey comments/drawings were out of line, it showed that the media and public did not treat him like the second coming; they treated him like a politician. That's not what...
Talk : : December 09, 2011
What makes Bush a better President than Obama OR what makes Obama a better president than Bush (George W.)?
63 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 09:58 AM Flag ]For me, bush is a worse president than most because he unnecessarily fought and succeeded in getting us into a war without really researching the territory and al kaida in general. This move is causing the financial woes for our country as the costs are insurmountable and our kids will definitely be paying for it. Additionally, it hurt us world wide in the pr dept. Sadaam was not really a problem for us and frankly, we did Iran a huge favor by taking him down.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:01 AM FlagBush inherited a country in very good shape and ruined it. Obama inherited Bush's huge mess.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:06 AM FlagIndependent here: The only reason Bush wasn't a complete disaster is that he had a strong team behind him. I think Obama doesn't rely enough on his team, is probably too controlling and would likely be more successful if he would take more in from his advisors. But what do I know?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:08 AM FlagYou could criticize him and even refer to him as a monkey and not be called a racist. Try that with Obama and you're out of a job.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:09 AM Flag-
Yes, it does. When you have a leader whom you can intellectually criticize, it opens a dialogue that we have not seen with Obama because people handle him with white gloves - pun intended.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:31 AM FlagCalling someone a monkey is an intellectual criticism? Hah, for a second I thought you were serious about this.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:33 AM FlagYes, the Republicans handle Obama with white gloves and never criticize. You obviously live in some alternate universe! The thing is, Republicans and their followers think criticism is saying Obama was born in Kenya, or that Obama is a Muslim. Do you think that's because they CAN'T criticize his policies, because everything that's bad about them was because the Republicans insisted on it (i.e., the bad parts of the health care reform were forced on it to get Republicans to agree).
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:38 AM FlagIf you are quoting Rush Limbaugh as a representative of the Republican party, then we can't have a discussion.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:41 AM FlagUm, Michelle Bachmann and dozens of other politicians. And, btw, when you can give me a single example of a mainstream Republican politician who has even mildly disagreed with something Limbaugh has said, we can talk.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:42 AM FlagMichelle Bachmann is a joke. Please. No one takes her seriously.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:44 AM FlagOh please, when you show me a Republican colleague of hers who has ever criticized her, then you can post. There was a point where she was one of the favorites for the nomination, and believe me, if she was still riding high in the polls, people would be calling her a vp candidate.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:50 AM FlagWhy bother criticizing a candidate who's going to self-destruct when you'll lose female support for doing so.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:53 AM FlagYou know, you are either a troll, or you will rationalize everything because you are truly blinded to reality. The Republican party has embraced the people who criticize Obama and most of them come from the mainstream of the party. The Democrats rejected the very few people who criticized Bush. There is simply no comparison, but every piece of evidence I offer you, you simply deny. Give me some examples of people calling Bush "monkeys" who were politicians, and we can talk. Ok?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:01 AM Flag
in other words, you think Bush was a better president b/c he's white. and people still wonder why racism is still an issue.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:21 AM FlagUm, no, but I like that's all you got out of this. I say that he's the better president because you can actually enter into a fair debate of his policies without some idiot crying racism every 5 seconds. He wasn't above the fray of criticism, unlike Obama. When someone is untouchable, that makes them a poor leader, this is supposed to be a democracy after all.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:28 AM FlagIf you're going to give an example, give a fair one. "Monkey" is a racially charged term. Feel free to call Obama an idiot, socialist, bleeding heart liberal, Robin Hood, what have you.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:35 AM FlagI am using that as an example of the extreme criticism that Bush received while president. The media and everyone questioned his every statement and move. That's great. That's how politics should operate under a democracy. While I think the monkey comments/drawings were out of line, it showed that the media and public did not treat him like the second coming; they treated him like a politician. That's not what we're experiencing now at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:37 AM FlagThis is such bs. The media and Democrats weren't calling Bush a "monkey". I'm sure you can find some way out person who did. But mainstream Republicans call Obama names all the time. By the way, Bush was never criticized. The few Democrats who dared to question his invasion of Iraq were called Traitors and Commies and Terrorist Sympathizers. Don't pretend you have any interest in balance, because Bush criticism was non-existant, except from a few people who were condemned by mainstream Democrats. It was sad. Whereas mainstream Republicans ENCOURAGE the crazy Obama stuff (like the fake birth certificate).
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:41 AM Flag
Sure but you can call Obama cracker easier than you can Bush.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:21 AM FlagI seem to recall criticizing Bush meant you were unpatriotic
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:31 AM FlagPlease. There were more people criticizing him than lauding him.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:34 AM FlagFirst of all, what difference does it make? You stated that you can't criticize Obama because you'll be labelled a racist, and I'm pointing out that you couldn't criticize Bush without being labelled unpatriotic. Secondly, I'm not a big fan of Obama, but there was far more to criticize with Bush than Obama (if nothing else, longevity, Bush was President for longer!)
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:37 AM Flag
Don't forget questioning his intelligence meant you were elitist and out of touch. God forbid we want our leader to be smarter than us.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:39 AM FlagIdeology aside, this is the aspect of today's GOP that truly baffles me. Why would you want your president to be someone you'd like to have a beer with, rather than say, someone who knows a lot about a lot of things and thinks things through thoroughly.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:12 AM FlagThis baffled me. It's totally fine if your president is not-so-intelligent because that makes him "just like you," despite the fact that he was born into a dynasty and had everything in life handed to him. BUT, if your president is in fact intelligent and worked hard, then he is SO elitist. Why, why? Presidents should be smart, no?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:16 AM Flag
I know -- the person claiming that Bush got criticized all the time and Obama doesn't is living in some alternate universe. The anti-Obama rhetoric by mainstream Republicans is horrific. If anyone who remotely called themselves a Democrat ever criticized Bush they were shunned by every Democrat politician and condemned because the media forced this.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:53 AM Flag
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Obama actually has a functioning brain. Which makes him the better president by far IMO. Dubya was an absolute buffoon. I do not agree 100% with everything Obama has done, but I respect him. I had and have zero respect for Bush.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:17 PM Flag
[+] Please give me some advice: my boss wears too much of a very strong perfume, it's awf... 18 replies
- I wouldn't pretend to be anyone. I would just say politely could you please wear less perfume, it's bothering your clients....
Talk : : December 09, 2011
Please give me some advice: my boss wears too much of a very strong perfume, it's awful. People have complained to me about her. Anything I can do?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 08:27 AM Flag ]-
depends - what type of boss is she? are there any higher ups?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:29 AM FlagOP: Nope, she's it. She's the CEO of the company. She's older, so there are other issues with the way she looks and dresses (think: 1980s), but none of them really major. The perfume really is something though. I mean: awful. Even clients have made comments.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:32 AM FlagMaybe pick a particular client and say that she/he is allergic to perfume, so he asked that people in the office/at the meeting don't wear it. I went to a business conference one time and perfume was not permitted. Maybe implement this as a new policy for enhancing all client relationships. Doubt it will work, you will kind of look like an ass, but not toooo rude.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:34 AM Flag
Your co-workers are setting you up, if it bothers them so much tell them to take of it themselves.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:31 AM FlagNope. It's a small firm. She's the big cheese. If it bothers you that much, look for another job.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:06 AM Flag
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[+] We had Christmas cards made with "Merry Christmas" on the front cover. We are sendin... 11 replies
- Oh yes, if they are friends they will not be offended at Christmas Cards and it is polite ot acknowledge their holiday as well. For business purposes I don't send out Christmas Cards but friends should be tolerant of these things from other friends....
Talk : : December 09, 2011
We had Christmas cards made with "Merry Christmas" on the front cover. We are sending them to a couple of Jewish friends. Should we cross out the "Merry Christmas" and write in "Happy Hanukkah"? Is that tacky? Should we write an apology/diclaimer in the inside instead?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 06:59 AM Flag ]jewish mom here: don't cross anything out, and don't apologize--you haven't done anything wrong. someone would have to WANT to be offended to take offense, so don't make a problem of your friendly holiday greeting. it would be nice to add "happy Hanukkah" or "happy holidays." Oh, and happy holidays to you!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:06 AM Flag-
[+] Ugh. The Europeans are going to drag us down with them! 11 replies
- Yes, one american company helped greeks avoid taxes, spend outside of their budgets, prevented the EU governing bodies from combining political and economic unity with fiscal unity, all before and after the EU creation and Greece's joining the EU. OK....
Talk : : December 09, 2011
Ugh. The Europeans are going to drag us down with them!
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 06:53 AM Flag ]No, the Europeans are getting their shit together very aggressively and are going to be in FAR better shape than we are when the next downturn comes. They are balancing their budgets, modernizing their governments and we are doing nothing but bicker over minutiae.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:42 AM Flag
[+] Am speechless. Just learned that the two teachers who are the most ineffective teach... 23 replies
- but it's an illusion that the US is a meritocracy. It's not, and if it ever was it hasn't been for such a long time. Look at how we yearn for political family dynasties. We love the aristocracy and are trying to reinstate that system. Your sentimentis nice, but it's not American....
Talk : : December 08, 2011
Am speechless. Just learned that the two teachers who are the most ineffective teachers in DC
23 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 08:31 PM Flag ]-
UNIONs have ruined this country at every level. Outrageous pay and benefits for too many people--particularly too many undeserving people.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:45 PM FlagYou know who has ruined our country? CEOs and executives making 110 times more than the worker in the same company. Executive pay is not determined by effectiveness (golden parachute, anyone?) THIS has ruined this country, not unions. When unions were stronger and executive pay was less, the country was doing MUCH better.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:54 PM FlagI say anyone who gets paid a lot of money for subpar work helped to ruin this great country--regardless if they are in the executive corporate suite, union labor or the average joe on the street. It's time that excellence, true merit, innovation and creativity are truly rewarded!!
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:00 PM Flagbut it's an illusion that the US is a meritocracy. It's not, and if it ever was it hasn't been for such a long time. Look at how we yearn for political family dynasties. We love the aristocracy and are trying to reinstate that system. Your sentimentis nice, but it's not American.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:05 PM FlagThen explain to me what are American values nowadays because I would like to know (not being snarky).
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:13 PM Flagmoney is king. If you have money you are entitled to keep it and dk whatever you want with it. If you are not wealthy you are not entitled to anything. Healthcare, retirement, good education are only for those who can afford it. Pretty soon we'll add safety to that list.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:16 PM Flag
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Sure. I assume because they've been there forever and make 100K, which isn't that shocking for someone who's been in their field 30 years. I'd add that "ineffective" is an interesting thing to measure. Some parents love these very "ineffective" teachers because those can be teachers who love the kids, are like everybody's favorite grandma, have been there for 25 or 30 years. They just aren't getting it done on standardized tests. I'm not saying that means we shouldn't hold them accountable. I just want to add some perspective. The real problem is that on-going teacher training doesn't keep up with standardized tests, and experienced teachers (especially if they're in the 100K bracket) are rarely observed or given feedback. They just keep doing what they did 30 years ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:10 AM FlagI am not taking about standardized testing. Those tests are not my measure of effectiveness. I am looking for teacher-student engagement. True mastery of teaching where children are able to explain what they learned in school to their parents. Teachers who are vested in the children by knowing their students' strengths and weaknesses. Teachers who are effective can be tough when warranted and nurturing when needed. Ineffective teachers I have come across have no interest in teaching and are there to bide their time to collect their pensions. They know they can't be fired and do the bare minimums to get through the school year. Meanwhile I have also met new, young, energetic teachers who go above and beyond for the kids only to be paid a paltry salary. For those teachers, I would prefer that they be paid in the 6 figure range so that we can keep them in the school system fully engaging young minds. Just because someone has been in the profession for 30 years should not give them an automatic right to do the bare minimum and keep the maximum payout. If everyone's favorite grandma is engaging the children, they are learning and blossoming--keep her on to do what she's doing well. But if she isn't, then what other options are available for children born to parents who aren't rich enough to afford private schools, pay for tutors or move to better school districts? For teachers who collect that amount of money and who are not there to really teach is definitely not in the children's best interest. For the ones who are there to mold young minds, I say thank you for making that decision--these are the teachers I want to see handsomely rewarded many times over.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:29 PM Flag
You might save your speechlessness for the fact that incompetent CEOs and corporate bankers, after losing billions of dollars and running their institutions into the ground, are paid tens of millions of dollars. But sure, some 30 year veteran teacher who dares to make $100,000 is obviously incompetent because you believe the only standard by which she should be judged is standardized tests.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:32 AM FlagI am not addressing private sector employees because that is where I do agree with you. I could go into that with you but that is not my issue. Nor is my measure of effectiveness rest in standardized testing. My issue is that as a taxpayer, if I am going to be sending my child to be educated by a teacher, I expect a teacher to actually teach. I expect my child to come home and be able to explain what she/he learned so that I know some learning has taken place. I expect the teacher to tell me my child's strong and weak points at parent teacher conferences instead of just " doing fine" and nothing else. I could careless about standardized testing. I am talking about ineffective teachers who do NOT teach, engage children or even give the educational reason for going on field trips. On most of the field trips I have chaperoned, these teachers I encountered did not know where to go or why they were going to a particular place. They did not plan a lesson that ties in the trip made with a lesson in the classroom that would tie it together for the children. For the money I am directly paying as a taxpayer, I am asking for accountability. If you have been so blessed to have your children in classrooms with engaged teachers--count your blessings. I do not pay the CEO and bankers salaries. Plus, they do not educate my children on a daily basis. If I am paying for my children to be educated, I expect them to be taught by professional teachers. If a teacher is making a 6 figure salary and is a dynamo at his or her profession--I say we should pay that individual even more! But why should taxpayers keep tenured teachers who make 6 figures who are incompetent and have no interest to teach children? Just because they worked in a profession for 30 years so they should be given a pass and not held to any standards? No wonder the educational standards in this country have fallen.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:08 PM Flag
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[+] My mother is a narcissist. I just realized this and am noticing that a lot of women h... 18 replies
- My mother immigrated to this country at 17, against her will. Her parents told her that she would be able to return when the political situation changed, but it never did. She resented them deeply for it and when I asked her why she didn't just move back on her own, she always told me that they wouldn't let her. She always acted as if they had...
Talk : : December 08, 2011
My mother is a narcissist. I just realized this and am noticing that a lot of women have the same situation. Did something happen to the women of our mothers' generation? Why is it so widespread?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 03:52 PM Flag ]Did you ever notice the relationship between your mother and her parents? That might have something to do with it.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:53 PM Flag-
My mother immigrated to this country at 17, against her will. Her parents told her that she would be able to return when the political situation changed, but it never did. She resented them deeply for it and when I asked her why she didn't just move back on her own, she always told me that they wouldn't let her. She always acted as if they had control over her. She spent the rest of their lives hating/loving them. She would cry like a child when they disappointed her (which was always) and then wax poetic about their amazing parenting; even though her childhood was filled with domestic violence and sexual abuse. I never understood it.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:59 PM Flag^^OP, btw. Anyhow, I am not sure of the issues that my friends' mothers had with their parents, but the end result is the same, deep-seeded narcissism.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:00 PM FlagI hope you showed her compassion when you became an adult, her early life seems to have damaged her. Which country did she come from?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:02 PM Flag
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My mother isn't narcissistic, but she does feel entitled because "she is the mom" and I agree with that concept, also out of respect because she is older. My sisters agree. We call her almost every day and rarely does she pick up the phone to call us. (10% maybe)
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:44 PM FlagI recently read Will I Ever Be Good Enough by McBride. The book talks about exactly this. My mother is pretty intrusive, and conversations usually become about her. I was a G&T kid, and she used to brag and joke about how only the best was good enough for her. These are signs of narcissism. This may have something to do with her not having had the same opportunities as our generation. Her life was limited. Now she feels a mix of pride and jealousy.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 05:29 PM Flag
[+] Michelle Duggar miscarried baby #20 at 20 weeks. Thats sad. Wonder if she will try ag... 28 replies
- I don't like this woman, her beliefs, her politics or how she raises her children, but that is just tragic....
Talk : : December 08, 2011
Michelle Duggar miscarried baby #20 at 20 weeks. Thats sad. Wonder if she will try again?!
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 02:07 PM Flag ]Hey Michelle, GOD IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING! For the love of all that's holy, STOP!!
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 02:09 PM FlagThat logic is faulty because going with the entire "God is telling you something" rationale which implies belief in God and it would be feasible to also assume that a person who believed would buy the entire shebang of faith/ omnipotence, etc. then if "God were trying to tell her something", he would simply not allow her to be pregnant at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:29 PM Flag
does she try or does she just not do anything to prevent it?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 02:10 PM FlagShe is selfish for going through with a 20th pregnancy, risking her own life and her babie's. She could easily leave her other 19 children without a mother should something go awry. She needs to stop thinking of just herself and love the children she has.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 02:22 PM Flag-
I feel bad for her. A 2nd trimester miscarriage has to be horrible. But I think her body is done w/ having children and she needs abstain from sex if she doesn't believe in BC.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 02:58 PM FlagMiscarriages happen. It's sad but in our modern era of medical obsession and birth control w/ decreased pregnancies we have forgotten this. In past times when women were at the mercy of their uterus, it was rare to find a fertile woman of childbearing years who had not had a miscarriage.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:26 PM Flag
[+] If someone paid me a penny for each time someone on this board posted how bright thei... 14 replies
- all it's cracked up to be. I have a very happy life, but I'll never be good at social interaction. I'm thankful for a few close friends - but really really not good in a group. I can't remember names or make polite conversation (without stress and reminding myself what to say over and over). I mean it about everyone being good at some things and not others. 2.5YO DS just started talking - like last week. He's smart w/ lots of stuff, but not everything. Just...
Talk : : December 08, 2011
If someone paid me a penny for each time someone on this board posted how bright their dc was, I would be at the top of the 1%. I mean seriously, what 16 month old or even 4 year old could you call dumb?
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 10:32 AM Flag ]most people like to brag about their kids. If you hate that, you're on the wrong site
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:33 AM FlagThat's not exactly bragging, it's just plain ridiculous to classify a 16 month-old that way. Tell us your 16 month-old can put together a puzzle correctly or can write his/her name and I'll be impressed.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:36 AM Flag~Besides how many kids that you come in contact with, really strike you as bright? Most are just average. Sorry to burst your bubble.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:37 AM FlagNP: My 16MO can do puzzles - I think he's fabulous, but I wouldn't describe him as 'very bright' -- I'm a puzzle person. My 2.5YO can do 200+ piece puzzles w/ no help. It's genetic and doesn't mean anything. I hope they're not a socially awkward as I am. Everyone has pros and cons - everyone.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:42 AM FlagI think you owe OP 2 pennies, even with the self deprecation thrown in.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:50 AM FlagMy point is that being smart isn't all it's cracked up to be. I have a very happy life, but I'll never be good at social interaction. I'm thankful for a few close friends - but really really not good in a group. I can't remember names or make polite conversation (without stress and reminding myself what to say over and over). I mean it about everyone being good at some things and not others. 2.5YO DS just started talking - like last week. He's smart w/ lots of stuff, but not everything. Just like me.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 12:24 PM Flag
If you're flaming the mom who was worried about her 16 mos, clearly she said some things because she suspected he was delayed in some other developmental areas. Get over yourself.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:50 AM FlagI seem to remember that when I was growing up, the majority of my peers/classmates were *not* bright, gifted, or talented (nothing wrong with that) so I tend to think parents are just exaggerating unless suddenly there's an influx of intelligence among the new generation.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:53 AM FlagI think a 16 mo that's verbally precocious comes off as smart, even if that's not truly the case. but no, i don't think you can call a 16mo dumb. 4yo is a whole different story. i've definitely met 4yo's that you can tell are not smart. they need things explained more times and more slowly - they just don't "get it" very easily.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 12:59 PM Flag
[+] Situation: Is it fair to be annoyed: Live around all Republicans that assume I'm a Re... 13 replies
- Just chalk it up to human nature and politics bringing out the worst in most people. Let...usually try and make my point briefly or politely disagree, then disengage. Not worth it....
- in NYC. Can't people just realize that politics is a subject that you shouldn't bring...to agree with you inorder to bring up politics, instead you hsould just refrain from personal insults...
- Most Americans think politics are a team sport, and that you root...
Talk : : December 08, 2011
Situation: Is it fair to be annoyed: Live around all Republicans that assume I'm a Republican and make snide remarks and when they find out I'm a Democrat, instead of graciously recognizing we just have different views and drop the subject, they either continue to make snide comments about Republicans and/or try to explain to me why I am so dumb?
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 07:17 AM Flag ]I have the reverse. Am Repulican but am surrounded by Dems who assume everyone is a Democrat. I think its just human nature. You can be annoyed, but that doesn't really solve anything. Just chalk it up to human nature and politics bringing out the worst in most people. Let it go.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:19 AM FlagOP here: I actually was going to say switch the Democrat and Republican in my 'situation' and welcome to my life in NYC. Can't people just realize that politics is a subject that you shouldn't bring up unless you know that everyone will agree with you?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:27 AM FlagI disagree. You dont' have to wait for everyoen to agree with you inorder to bring up politics, instead you hsould just refrain from personal insults when discussin politics. There is a way to ahve a disucssion with differening opinions without it deteriorating into an insult match.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:51 AM Flag
Most Americans think politics are a team sport, and that you root for your side the way way you'd root for the Giants instead of the Cowboys.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:11 AM Flag-
[+] I think Newt Gingrich may be the antichrist. If you believe in stuff like that. 47 replies
- So I guess you can go right on being silly and inflammatory. But it only serves to lower the level of political discourse in this country....
- he may be the best of the bunch currently in contention. I don't see how much lower the level of political discourse in this country could get....
Talk : : December 08, 2011
I think Newt Gingrich may be the antichrist. If you believe in stuff like that.
47 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 06:57 AM Flag ]-
NP: Poor kids should take on janitorial work at their schools, so they can develop a work ethic?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:03 AM FlagI hadn't heard that but I think all kids should learn to do some manual labor.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:04 AM FlagHe said that as a way to get rid of "overpriced" union janitorial staff at Universities.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:05 AM FlagI thought you were talking about grade school. I was a work-study student in college so I had to take jobs that the college needed filled. Why shouldn't janitorial jobs be included in those?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:10 AM FlagBecause people already have those jobs. And the jobs pay a living wage. Why take those jobs away from hardworking adults?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:11 AM Flagto keep costs down. just like if any employer can find somebody just as good to do a job for 1/2 or what they are paying the current employee they have a fiscal responsibility to make a change.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:12 AM FlagAt the expense of workers. And you're basically saying that being a janitor is not a "real" job that real adults should do - we'll just get some college students to do it and not have to pay them real wages or pay their health insurance. If college students want those real jobs, they can apply for a PT position.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:18 AM FlagDon't put words in my mouth. I'm not saying it isn't a real job. I hire college students to do some IT work because it's cheaper and we have less money to spend than in the past. I think they're real jobs. They aren't as good as experienced grown-up programmers so they don't get paid as much. If they were as good they'd make the same amount. I don't see the difference. Yes, it means some unemployed adults are not getting these jobs.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:20 AM FlagYou're just "outsourcing" those real jobs with real benefits that people can raise a family on to people that they will not have to pay as well or pay benefits to. We should be creating more real jobs and not reducing them to "bad" jobs, especially at this time in history.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:23 AM Flag
newt is talking about grade school. ten year olds should clean toilets -- if they are poor.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:20 AM Flag-
np: Yeah he was. He was saying that child labor laws on kids 10-12, 12-14 are bad. He said that kids in public school should take over the job of janitors and one "Master Janitor" should be kept on to manage them. He said this was good because poor kids from the inner city have NO ONE in their lives who works. They have no model of... ehh! I'm not going on. Google the rest it is disgusting and asinine.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 11:30 AM Flag
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So the poor kids clean the bathrooms while your little snowflake pisses all over the seat. Sounds reasonable to me.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:07 AM FlagI think it's a great idea. I cleaned houses, babysat, and paid my way through college. I'm not ashamed of that. It would have been easier if the job was on campus.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:13 AM FlagYou had a work ethic already. Newts point was that because poor students raised by poor parents (who had no work ethic, otherwise why would they be poor)needed to be taught this lesson. Very insulting.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:22 AM FlagIA, I was a janitor, dish washer, fast food cook in college - his point though, perhaps insulting, was to instill a work ethic rather than just give money. He really needs to shut up and just stick to sound bites and slogans - that seems to be what people want.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:17 AM Flag
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presumably if the antichrist comes he will seem relatively innocuous. newt doesn't fit that profile.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:03 AM FlagHe is closer to the presidency than ever before. He's a hypomaniac who thinks that only he can save the world. And some people believe him.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:04 AM FlagI thought the anti-christ was supposed to be handsome but I am not up on my Bible. Is that not the case?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:18 AM Flag
Gingrich wrote once: Gingrich—Primary Mission: —Advocate of civilization —definer of civilization —Teacher of the rules of civilization —arouser of those who form civilization —Organizer of the pro-civilization activists —leader (possibly) of the civilizing forces.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:28 AM Flag
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[+] My 16 month old is very bright, attentive, engaging, but he barely has any words. He'... 66 replies
- I was trying to be polite but was asked to spell it out. It is deceiving when parents believe that their child is bright because they have learned the order in which to press buttons to manipulate an electronic device. It doesn't mean that OPs child isn't brilliant,...
Talk : : December 08, 2011
My 16 month old is very bright, attentive, engaging, but he barely has any words. He'll say mama or dada sometimes but thats about it. What is normal at this stage, any resources you found helpful to track development vs expectations? TIA
66 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 06:26 AM Flag ]IDK, but same exact situation. Mama and bottle, thats it. Dada sometimes. Freaks me out, but he understands so much I try to not worry to much.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:30 AM Flagwhy do you say he's bright? I'm not saying he isn't, just wondering how you've determined this if you don't know what is considered average developmental milestones?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:32 AM FlagWell he is always very engaged in what we're doing. He can turn on my ipad and play a movie, he can use the remote control for the tv and if we hide it he turns it on at the cable box! He always knows where his toys, snacks are and will go get them in a different room if he wants something. This week we were at a play date with a friend of his who has a train set, when we were leaving DS put the train in the bottom of his stroller so he could take it home!! Not his proudest moment but he seems to be very aware
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:35 AM FlagI am always amazed how many people are impressed by their dbs pressing buttons. It never fails to impress.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:40 AM Flag-
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I was trying to be polite but was asked to spell it out. It is deceiving when parents believe that their child is bright because they have learned the order in which to press buttons to manipulate an electronic device. It doesn't mean that OPs child isn't brilliant, these are just not the type of things she should be noticing.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:05 AM Flag
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This isn't something to be proud of. Your 16 month old has too much exposure to electronic devices. He shouldn't know how to turn on the tv or the ipad because he shouldn't be watching them. For long plane rides I understand the ipad but there's no reason for a 16 month old to know anything about the cable box. I know this sounds sanctimommyish but you're bragging about something that experts in child development would tell you to avoid until 2 years old.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:47 AM Flagplaying with electronic devices isn't going to teach him to talk. do you have a nanny? any idea how much she talks to him during the day?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:02 AM Flag
Don't look at lists of milestones because they will just freak you out, and you seem susceptible to that. If he understands everything and makes eye contact and otherwise seems "normal," he's fine. Please try not to worry.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:33 AM FlagHe may be "fine" for autism markers but there are speech disorders that are not associated with the spectrum. I'm not saying OP's DC falls under this category but I'm just saying there are a lot of things it could be besides autism.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:35 AM Flag-
For me, my Db never babbled, at all. At 18 mos he had three words but he would frequently try to form words but fail. He was evaluated by EI and qualified for services with a diagnosis of apraxia. Fast forward 18 months and speech therapy has helped him come a long way. Apraxia isn't just about word count; it's a motor planning disorder when kids have trouble saying the words while his receptive language and other skills are fine (even excellent, DS tested above average for IQ and receptive language). They just need a little help.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:39 AM Flag^I just noticed you said he babbled. In that case I wouldn't worry. However, EI is a free service and if you really are concerned you can schedule an evaluation. That way when they tell you it's nothing, you'll know for sure. And if he needs ST, he'll get the help he needs.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:40 AM FlagThanks so much for sharing your perspective and im glad your DS is doing better. What is EI and how would i set up an appt? TIA
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:45 AM FlagEarly Intervention offer evaluation and services to kids from birth to 3. Where are you? If you're in NYC I would call SteppingStone or YAI. SteppingStone was my provider and they stopped offering EI services but I'm sure they can refer you to someone else. Or else call 311.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:48 AM Flag
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He's fine. Talking takes longer to develop than the walking milestone. Also noticed that girls talk sooner than boys.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:39 AM FlagHe was an early walker and has very good balance, is fine on the stairs and moving around at the playground.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:42 AM FlagHe is more focused on developing motor skills. For my ds development went in spurts in different areas. When he started talking it went from a few words to 200 words in 3 weeks time.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:47 AM Flag-
I also posted below in regard to trying to get him to say what he wants. Also, read the same simple poems/stories over and over every day. Then one day, at the end of the rime don't say the last word and wait for him to say it. Do this for a while, he will start filling in the blanks. There are ways to encourage talking.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:09 AM Flag
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Don't give his what he wants just because he is screaming and pointing. Tell him to tell you to give and try to get him to sound out the name of the object he wants.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:44 AM FlagThanks, we do a lot of this actually, the funny thing is that hes lazy and would prefer to go get the toy, book, snack himself then to try to repeat the word to me.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:47 AM Flag-
She is not idolizing her child and can joke about him to others. She sounds great, you are nuts.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:59 AM FlagShe thinks there is something wrong with her kid, and there clearly isn't. It seems like she's going to look until she finds something, though.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:33 AM FlagFirst of all, we have no idea - based on an anon post - what is or is not wrong with her kid. Secondly, if she gets an evaluation and EI says there's nothing wrong, what makes you think she'll feel anything but relief? I find it twisted that you think parents go out looking for something wrong, rather than be happy that there isn't, or seek solutions to address the issue when there is. Signed, SN Mom
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:36 AM Flag
There is a very wide range of normal. i wouldn't worry too much. That said, my 16mos old has one word "dada". she was evaluated by EI lastmonth and qualified for speech therapy which starts tomorrow. she qualified not based on how many (or few) words she has but rather the fact that she doesn't mimic sounds. so if I say bababababalll she deosn't say anything back. This I guess is something that developmentally begins around 9mos. she has never been a babbler. I also am not the least bit concerned aobut her receptive language. She can follow 1-2step commands, go in the kitchen and put this in the garbage etc. If your worried, it costs nothing ot have an EI evaluation and then you'll know. I consider speech therpay one of those things (if you can afford it) that has no downside, there are no negative side effects or hidden downsides. it's only positive. Goodl luck.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 06:54 AM Flagnp: My 26mo bilingual ds does not speak very much now and did not speak much at all at 18mo. We had him evaluated by EI and he was just on the cusp of qualifying (so they fudged a few questions so he could qualify, which I still think is odd). He does mimic sounds and babble a lot, and seems to be speaking, just not any language that anyone but he understands. All said, we are not worried either. All kids do eventually speak.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:00 AM Flag-
He's fine. My ds was the same at that age. He had a verbal explosion a few months before his second birthday and started speaking in full sentences. At newly three he can name all the primates. Don't worry! If he's pointing and following commands... "Can you go get mommy X please", he's all set. He will speak when he's ready (he's not lazy) , you can't force him to talk (just like you couldn't force him to eat, sleep, poop, walk etc. Extra pressure will kill his confidence.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:00 AM FlagDid you speak with your dr? My 16 month old DD had about 30 words and was putting words together by then, but didn't walk until 16 months! My friends DS didn't say more than 2 words at 20 months but walked at 1 year... At 2 years old they are both talking and walking at about the same rate, so who knows!
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:09 AM FlagYour kids fine stop freaking out he'll speak when he's ready. I have a 16mo and he's the same so are 2 other 16mos I know. He sounds terrific. Relax and stop listening to the kooks pushing you to get your kid some cockamamie diagnosis. The nanny's accent is throwing him off just give him time.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:29 AM FlagMy 16mo is exactly the same. In fact, only has one word, dada. No mama yet. He babbles lots though and understands a bunch of words I say so I'm not worrying about it. Was a relatively late walker too and now he's keeping up with the best of them running. Try not to stress about the "milestones".
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:11 AM FlagDon't worry about it at all. Boys often are late to the talking game. DS is 2.5 and just really starting to talk and it's perfectly normal at 16 months to have only a few words. All kids are quick at some things and slower at others. My 15 MO has a ton of words and I realize that all kids are just different.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:04 AM FlagHi-I'm new to UB, I hope this posts correctly. I have 10+ years working with mainstream and SN children and I have a 5 yr old son of my own. I offer parenting strategies as one of my services and this is what I tell the families I work with.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:58 AM Flag#1-all children develop differently so don't worry about it, his language will come. #2-I encourage you to do the following tips to help draw the language out of your db. Repeat every sound, coo, facial expression and word that your db communicates. This is how 16 mon olds learn the art of conversation, so he actually is talking!! Get excited about the sounds he makes. He will love it! By responding to his sounds, etc. each time, (keep repeating until he stops- go back and forth with him), you are modeling conversation skills and encouraging him to talk more. Do this as often as possible. #3-read, sing and narrarate to him as often as you can, repeating the same words every day. Children learn through repetition and consistency and this is how he will begin to store language in his brain as he develops. The words will come later. #4- use descriptive words and a lot of exaggerated expressive language. ie: "look at the BIIIIG Yellow Ball! B-B-B-B Ball!" And continue talking to him about the ball, bounce it on the floor and repeat "bounce the ball, bounce the ball, B-B-B-B bounce the yellow Ball!" #5- You will feel ridiculous saying this but I promise your DB will love it and will most likely talk sooner rather than later, if you keep at it. -Jamie Levine, M.S. Ed, Team Esteem
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:27 AM Flag
My ds had no words at 15 months and ped told us that if he didn't develop at least 3 by 16 months, we should look into an evaluation. He did start learning more and more and was speaking in sentences shortly after 2. Some kids just learn a little later and then catch up quickly, but I think if you don't see improvement by 18 months you should check with your ped to see if an evaluation is a good next step. Now DS is 4.5 and per his school, extremely verbal.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:06 AM FlagMaybe you are right about what he can say but just keep a journal for a week every time he says a word (that's clearly a word with a meaning to him even if he says "moo" for cow or something). You may be surprised how many he knows. This is what my pedi had us do leading into DD's 18mo appointment.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:54 AM FlagMy dd was the same way but later I found that she had serous otitis media. She had recurrent ear infections and there was clear fluid in her ear in between infections. She could hear but not very well. She loved music and as she was not into talking she was into puzzles and could do a lot with blocks. After I diagnosed the condition by taking her to Pead and getting her ear checked even though she had no complaints I got ear tubes placed and now she talks non stop.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 11:33 AM FlagI'm sorry I missed this post but my 16 month old barely has words either. My husband didn't say any words until 2 and started w/ complete sentences. He wound up being above average intelligence. I'm not too worried, I'm more worried that they will say I need to be worried but I think its all rubbish and he is fine.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:11 PM FlagTo OP: First, it sounds like your kid is doing fine, so not much to worry about. That said, if he seems relatively more advanced with the iPad and electronics, while being relatively less advanced with speaking, the two may be related. Maybe all that time absorbed with machines has caused a relative delay in two-way communication interactions, such as with speech.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 03:22 PM Flag
[+] WWYD? Mom I've seen a few times around the playground asked me for my # so I gave it... 47 replies
- What polite way do you tell someone that you don't want to give them your phone...giving her a fake # but that did not work. I was raised to be polite to people's faces....
- the country regularly give out their numbers to people who they like, and find polite, non-passive-aggressive ways to say no to people they don't. Maybe she was from...
Talk : : December 07, 2011
WWYD? Mom I've seen a few times around the playground asked me for my # so I gave it to her and I briefly mentioned in passing where I live... and today, she calls me up and says that she is outside my building, could she stop by. I told her that today was not a good day. OMG, lady. Get a clue. YOU DO NOT DROP BY UNANNOUNCED. Also, just because I give you my number does not actually mean I want to be friends with you!
47 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.07.11, 06:12 PM Flag ]She sounds like an asshole. And so do you. Maybe it's destiny.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:14 PM Flag-
She asked me if I lived around the playground, I told her what building I lived in. Showed up like a stalker.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:22 PM FlagGuess you should have said "yes" rather than your address, huh?
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:23 PM FlagWell, I didn't think she'd show up like a crazy person! And my building is hard to miss with an uncommon name.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:25 PM Flag-
Walking by your building doesn't equal stalking... especially if the playground is nearby which is apparently is. Get over yourself. Since when is someone trying to be friendly and social the worst trait in the universe? God forbid someone thinks you are pleasant and seeks your company.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:05 PM Flag
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why don't you reserve judgement until you determine if you actually like her personality or not.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:21 PM FlagITA. Granted it is a bit odd to show up unannounced but give her a chance...
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:25 PM FlagShe's Indonesian or some other Asian and has an odd name. When she called me, I had to ask her who she was like 4 times. And I can barely understand what she's saying. Not being racist; but the ability to converse with a person is important in a friendship.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:27 PM FlagYes, people from other cultures are usually stupid and unworthy of our friendship. Unless they are from France of course. You are a horrible person. What is so hard about hanging out with a woman with a child who plays with yours at the playground? Or can you only associate with playground moms of your own race?
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:08 PM Flag
So you're a big phony who pretends to like someone and gives her your number, then gets offended when they think you're being honest? Yeah, dropping by unannounced is uncool, but you are far worse than that.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:25 PM Flagx2. And that comment above about the Christmas treats leads me to believe OP is one of those stick insect UES blondes who lives on skinny lattes and lettuce leaves.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:27 PM Flag-
What polite way do you tell someone that you don't want to give them your phone #? I already tried giving her a fake # but that did not work. I was raised to be polite to people's faces.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:29 PM Flag
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obviously this was a cultural misunderstanding. Maybe in her native country it's ok to make a friend at the park and stop by unannounced. Maybe they don't give out their number unless they want someone to call
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:37 PM FlagI agree. She may have been from the United States of America, where people all around the country regularly give out their numbers to people who they like, and find polite, non-passive-aggressive ways to say no to people they don't. Maybe she was from somewhere like that.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:31 PM Flag
Is your apt really cluttered or messy or something? What's the big deal? Maybe it's because I didn't grow up in NYC, but I'm used to daily neighborly interaction. People popping by, etc. It's nice! Why are you acting like a hermit? It's not hard to make sure your place is ready for an unexpected guest.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 07:48 PM Flag-
..oops..If you wait until your place is perfectly neat, etc. to invite others in, that is a sad way to live! I grew up like that...house was clean but always cluttered and mom's anxiety about this meant having guests was a big production! Now I try to have the house company-ready, but if it's not, I'm still inviting you in--even if there's laundry on the sofa, dishes in the sink and I'm in my robe! Also...you could just have said something like, "I have plans just now, but perhaps next tuesday?" or "Give me 3 minutes and I'll meet you at the Starbucks around the corner!"...either answer would have kept her out of your apartment and still been kind and social.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 11:47 PM Flag
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I doubt she was stalking you. She probably doesn't know anyone nearby and is looking to make friends. If you're not interested, fine, but it's not like she is harming you in any way. And if she lives nearby, being outside your building likely means that she is passing by your building. Not trying to break down your door. She didn't drop by unannounced! And usually when you give someone your number, yes, it means you'd be happy if they called you. Otherwise why not just say that you don't like to give out your number?
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:04 PM Flag
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