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[+] My 20yo DD was just told by her gyn that she has precancerous cells and will require ... 186 replies
- So no one in your family is allowed to be sick again until he gets better from his depression?...
- but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her life.... did come home, and accidentally, mention her surgery from the morning, then she would have been in equal trouble....
- but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 12, 2011
- My 20yo DD was just told by her gyn that she has precancerous cells and will require a cryo - freezing and scraping of the uterus. She was told that it was not caused by HPV. I told her not to tell her stepfather since he lost his mother to cancer just three years ago. I asked her not to speak of the procedure or anything and to just keep it between us. She went to the doctor alone and then spent last weekend with her boyfriend - she's now home on break. Her stepfather wanted to know why she was not staying with us this weekend and I had to makeup a reason. I am so pissed!
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  12.12.11, 03:59 PM Flag ]
  - this post must be fake. yes?
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    12.12.11, 04:02 PM Flag
    - Huh, what have you got to be pissed about?
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      12.12.11, 04:03 PM Flag
      - Ok, I didn't finish explaining. We have a rule in our house that you do not stay the night at boyfriend/girlfriend's houses unless you are married. She knows this but decided to go against my wishes and called me at 10pm to say that she was going to stay the night at his apartment.
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        12.12.11, 04:04 PM Flag
        
        Maybe because she was scared/ sad after the procedure and needed some extra love and care, and since you told her you were not interested in her sharing any of her medical problems with the family, she was unable to go to your house to recover from what is a painful procedure. You are a horrid bitch.
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        12.12.11, 04:11 PM Flag
        
        OMG, abnormal pap smears are a dime a dozen. Nearly every woman I have spoken to about it says that they have had one at some point in their life. I just didn't want my husband to hear cancer and then become panicked. He takes meds for anxiety and is easily stressed.
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        12.12.11, 04:15 PM Flag
        
        Yeah but having a cryo means that the cells were abnormal enough for her doc to be concerned. You chose your DH's unfounded anxiety (unfounded, by your own admission, because according to you abnormal paps are a dime a dozen) as more important than your daughter's feelings and her medical needs after the cryo. I just don't get why you were mad that she went to stay with her BF afterwords- I mean you pretty much said you wouldn't want her coming to your place afterwords, so she needed someone to help her in case it hurt, or in case she was bleeding afterwords. And since her own mother refused to, well...
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        12.12.11, 04:18 PM Flag
        
        Not at all. I said nothing about coming home afterwards. I didn't even know that she was having the procedure since she didn't tell me.
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        12.12.11, 04:27 PM Flag
        
        I wonder why she didn't tell you, after hearing your deep concern for her. And would you have really said she could come right home afterwords? And be walking around all funny-like, in pain, and checking her bleeding every hour or two? What if precious DH noticed her pain?
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        12.12.11, 04:30 PM Flag
        
        That's interesting because when she's having her period no one notices, so this wouldn't have been any different.
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        12.12.11, 04:31 PM Flag
        
        Yes, having a cryo and having cervical cells scraped off with local anesthesia is JUST like having your period. Sorry, OP, signing off now. I'm going to call my mom and tell her how much I love her for actually caring about me.
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        12.12.11, 04:33 PM Flag
        
        I didn't equate the two except to say that having to change a pad every once in a while is not that big of a deal for a woman who is used to having a period.
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        12.12.11, 04:34 PM Flag
        
        Yes, that loving attitude of yours is likely why she chose to her boyfriend over you after her cryo.
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        12.12.11, 04:33 PM Flag
        
        She didn't give me a chance. She just went ahead with scheduling the appointment on her own.
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        12.12.11, 04:36 PM Flag
        
        I wonder why
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        12.12.11, 04:37 PM Flag
        
        Tell that to my aunt, who died of cervical cancer which was first noted on a pap smear.
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        12.12.11, 04:34 PM Flag
        
        And she was probably over the age of 40. Less than 3% of cervical cancer cases are for the under 40 set. Anyhow, these were PREcancerous cells. She doesn't have CANCER!
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        12.12.11, 04:35 PM Flag
        
        Well you will certainly find out after the cryo. I hope for your sake she doesn't. Afterall, it would be hard to keep that from your poor DH.
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        12.12.11, 04:37 PM Flag
        
        We already know! She doesn't have cancer!
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        12.12.11, 04:40 PM Flag
        
        You should be happy about this, not pissed off. Jeez, lady. I feel bad for your daughter.
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        12.12.11, 04:40 PM Flag
        
        I'm not pissed about her health, I'm annoyed that she stayed at her boyfriends place and then forced me to deal with the reprocussions.
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        12.12.11, 04:42 PM Flag
        
        She didn't force you to deal with anything. Why not just tell your DH the truth about where she stayed? You didn't have to lie. If he got mad, well, then he can get mad at her and she can explain to him why she felt uncomfortable coming home that weekend.
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        12.12.11, 04:45 PM Flag
        
        Because I told him where she was and he was pissed. He threatened to go over there and fight him. I had to tell him what was going on. A lot of drama I didn't need in my life.
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        12.12.11, 04:50 PM Flag
        
        Np: your poor kid. Hope the scare prompts her to take better care of herself, and she can figure out how to get FAR far away from you. Your main concern is that controlling bully of dh to know a 20yo is sexually active.
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        12.12.11, 05:02 PM Flag
        
        Um, taking care of yourself is not what prevents precancerous cells.
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        12.12.11, 05:04 PM Flag
        
        So then you caused the drama, not your daughter. Next time just say she was at a friend's house.
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        12.12.11, 05:07 PM Flag
        
        I'm not going to lie because my daughter chooses to ignore the rules of our house.
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        12.12.11, 05:08 PM Flag
        
        And she's not going to tiptoe around your DH's feelings when she is having a medical procedure and asked for the support of her mother and was denied that. So she went and got the support from someone else. Get over it.
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        12.12.11, 05:10 PM Flag
        
        But you were fine with having your daughter lie about her health... ok
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        12.12.11, 05:10 PM Flag
        
        What she did was force me into a situation where this whole thing blew up. It became this huge load of drama. So she got to be the center of attention just like she wanted.
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        12.12.11, 05:11 PM Flag
        
        She didn't force you to do a thing. You said "dont' tell DH about this". So she didn't. She handled it on her own, with her boyfriend, instead of with you and him, just like you wanted. You sound like you resent your daughter in a serious way.
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        12.12.11, 05:12 PM Flag
        
        Yes, she did. She knew what would happen if she didn't come home.
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        12.12.11, 05:13 PM Flag
        
        And if she did come home, and accidentally, mention her surgery from the morning, then she would have been in equal trouble.
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        12.12.11, 05:35 PM Flag
        
        Not at all. I would have been upset, but that's it. What happened, and I detailed below, was far worse.
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        12.12.11, 05:39 PM Flag
        
        Yeah youre right, it makes your husband look like an abusive loon.
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        12.12.11, 05:45 PM Flag
  - I meant cervix, not uterus.
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    12.12.11, 04:03 PM Flag
  - You are TERRIBLE! Way to make your DD's medical procedure about you, ASSHOLE!
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    12.12.11, 04:04 PM Flag
    - How did I make this all about me? Abnormal pap smears are not out of the norm. She may have even been exaggerating the issue since she has a history of doing these things - like telling me that she had whopping cough two months ago when she was vax for pertussis ages ago.
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      12.12.11, 04:06 PM Flag
      - Regardless of your stupid rule, what have you got to be pissed about? You forced your daughter to lie when she probably needed support and are upset that when trying to hide the lie she upset your husband. You are terrible and selfish as stated above.
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        12.12.11, 04:09 PM Flag
        
        I didn't force her to lie, I just asked her not to mention it to my husband. It's quite minor anyhow. No need to cause alarm.
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        12.12.11, 04:16 PM Flag
        
        Newsflash: sleeping over at a boyfriends house when you are 20 is quite minor as well.
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        12.12.11, 04:22 PM Flag
        
        I wasn't asking for your morals. Those are the rules at our house.
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        12.12.11, 04:30 PM Flag
        
        Well, clearly your adult daughter needed some compassion since her mother is 100% lacking (although she has surprising compassion for her new husband's crazy anxiety over what you yourself describe as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). I personally am glad she had a boyfriend to turn to, and I'm sure she was glad too. You are on the right track to being one of those moms that your daughter is writing on UB about, asking how to avoid seeing her crazy parents over the holidays.
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        12.12.11, 04:32 PM Flag
        
        He's not my NEW husband. We've been married for 14 years. I have every right to be worried about him since he threatened to commit suicide last winter after his mother died. He is bipolar and very anxious. I didn't want to upset him over nothing.
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        12.12.11, 04:39 PM Flag
        
        That has nothing to do with your daughter and HER procedure. It was not nothing to YOUR DAUGHTER.
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        12.12.11, 04:40 PM Flag
        
        I thought his mom had been dead for 3 years? Now it's been less than a year? Get your story straight, you're worse than SIL-hater. Can we dub you daughter-hater?
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        12.12.11, 04:41 PM Flag
        
        Yes, she died 3 years ago, but he's been dealing with major depression since then. Last winter was another anniversary of her death and that's when he threatened suicide. The suicide was related to her death not some random depression related issue.
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        12.12.11, 04:44 PM Flag
        
        So no one in your family is allowed to be sick again until he gets better from his depression?
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        12.12.11, 04:48 PM Flag
        
        I think we should tread lightly with cancer talk and considering that the likelihood of anyone getting cancer is supremely low, it shouldn't be difficult.
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        12.12.11, 04:51 PM Flag
        
        Np: around what else do you "tread lightly"? I mean besides reality that dd is sexually active.
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        12.12.11, 05:04 PM Flag
        
        Yes, my husband is very old fashioned and doesn't want to know that she is sexually active.
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        12.12.11, 05:05 PM Flag
        
        Well, his mom got it, so it's not THAT low.
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        12.12.11, 05:06 PM Flag
        
        He also doesn't want to know about her precancerous cells. But that's life. It's not your DD's fault that your husband can't handle life.
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        12.12.11, 05:07 PM Flag
        
        His mom had LUNG cancer because she was a smoker NOT cervical cancer which is EXTREMELY rare in women under the age of 40.
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        12.12.11, 05:08 PM Flag
        
        If she actually had cancer, then obviously it's something the entire family would acknowledge and we'd work through it. She doesn't have cancer, though. She had precancerous cells, which means nothing.
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        12.12.11, 05:10 PM Flag
        
        Ok, I give up. Just don't come crying to us when your daughter never visits you. "Precancerous cells.. which means nothing". You sound so nurturing.
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        12.12.11, 05:12 PM Flag
        
        Yeah if she really had cancer then she'd be the center of attention, "just like she wants"
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        12.12.11, 05:13 PM Flag
        
        You do know that 70% of women receive abnormal pap smears that show precancerous cells? It's not rare at all and is easily taken care of.
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        12.12.11, 05:15 PM Flag
        
        So then why all the secrecy from your DH?
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        12.12.11, 05:36 PM Flag
        
        Because it would have caused him unnecessary anxiety.
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        12.12.11, 05:40 PM Flag
        
        So when she came to your house and was on the couch, uncomfortable, and going to the bathroom frequently to change her pad from the bleeding from the procedure, and taking pain meds, what was she supposed to tell your DH? That's right, she promised you she wouldn't tell him. So she obviously couldn't go to your house afterwords. She was doing what you wanted!!
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        12.12.11, 04:23 PM Flag
        
        She gets her period every month and no one knows when it occurs. She also would not have been walking around in a different manner. There also isn't continuous bleeding. You don't know what you are talking about. The doctor applies a clotting mechanism and you simply pass a clot of blood in 8-12hrs. There is very, very little blood before that occurs and all of the blood is collected in the clot. It's not like she's suffering from a miscarriage.
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        12.12.11, 04:33 PM Flag
        
        So you think it would have been fine for her to come home and not mention her procedure, not mention if she needed any pain meds, not mention any anxiety or fear she was having about "what if something comes back abnormal?"... and just keep mum for the sake of your DH, in case he got worried when he heard about it? Really?
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        12.12.11, 04:35 PM Flag
        
        Her procedure was minor and routine. She wasn't given any pain meds and was simply told to take 800mg of ibuprophen. Nothing would come back abnormal since the abnormal cells were taken out.
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        12.12.11, 04:41 PM Flag
        
        You know, you really are cold hearted. Did you even ask your daughter how she felt afterwords, or how she was feeling, or if she needed anything? Pregnancy and childbirth are routine as well, but I guarantee you were looking for a little bit of attention as you were pushing out an 8 pound baby.
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        12.12.11, 04:44 PM Flag
        
        No, I wasn't. I drove myself to the hospital, gave birth and then drove myself home. I am not a drama queen. Even so, I assumed that she is ok since she seems perfectly fine today. No problems whatsoever.
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        12.12.11, 04:45 PM Flag
        
        hahahahah ok, fake.
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        12.12.11, 04:46 PM Flag
        
        Did you actually ask her how she was feeling? Or were you worried your snowflake husband might over hear?
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        12.12.11, 04:47 PM Flag
        
        No, it's true. My ex-husband was cheating on me and didn't return my calls all day. I had to take myself to the hospital. I hope that my daughter has a better man in her life someday, so I wasn't meaning to imply that I think all women should go through what I went through.
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        12.12.11, 05:07 PM Flag
        
        But you don't think she needs moral support, and acknowledgment, of what is a very scary thing for her? You should be HAPPY that her boyfriend could give that to her when you were unwilling to.
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        12.12.11, 05:09 PM Flag
        
        She was overreacting. She just wanted to go over and have sex with her boyfriend.
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        12.12.11, 05:16 PM Flag
        
        You can't have sex for a while after a cryo. I want to say 2 weeks but could be wrong.
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        12.12.11, 05:36 PM Flag
        
        Have sex after having a cryo???? Please. You are crazier that your husband.
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        12.12.11, 05:37 PM Flag
        
        She has a tendency to dramatize health concerns for attention.
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        12.12.11, 05:41 PM Flag
        
        But you don't? You say your DH will commit suicide over her cryo. Get a grip.
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        12.12.11, 05:47 PM Flag
        
        I never said that he would commit suicide over it! I said that it would cause him unnecessary anxiety.
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        12.12.11, 05:48 PM Flag
        
        Please don't take your shitty experience out on your innocent daughter. It's not her fault you got a raw deal. Be kind to her.
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        12.12.11, 06:04 PM Flag
      - Vaccines do wear off you know.
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        12.12.11, 04:11 PM Flag
        
        This lady is bullheaded. I dont think there is any getting through to her. The Pertussis vax requires a booster every ten years.
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        12.12.11, 06:34 PM Flag
      - Having a cryo is PAINFUL! Regardless if she actually has cancer, a cryo is PAINFUL!! She needed help recovering and you told her not to bother getting help from her family. So she went to her boyfriend. No shit she did!
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        12.12.11, 04:12 PM Flag
        
        You are exaggerating. I called my doctor to ask her about the procedure and you just take 1600mg of ibuprophen afterwards. It's not a painful procedure. They numb you during it. You feel nothing.
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        12.12.11, 04:14 PM Flag
        
        Well, I've HAD one, and it is painful afterwords. Of course you are numb during it- but it hurts afterwords. Similar to how you are asleep during surgery, but once you wake up and the painkillers wear off, you have pain. And you are a complete dipshit- you can't take 1600mg of ibuprofen at once, that's absurd.
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        12.12.11, 04:15 PM Flag
        
        I meant 800mgs, sorry. You know what I meant.
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        12.12.11, 04:16 PM Flag
        
        Sure, I obviously knew that 1600 was code for 800. Who wouldn't?
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        12.12.11, 04:19 PM Flag
        
        I've had one as well. I did not have any numbing whatsoever. Granted, this was nearly 2 decades ago, but the whole experience was scary and very painful. It might be a common procedure, but while you are having it done you feel alone and pretty freaked out, I would imagine this to be the case even if I were numbed.
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        12.12.11, 08:01 PM Flag
        
        Lady, I hope your daughter never speaks to you again.
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        12.12.11, 04:16 PM Flag
        
        Np: I've had the procedure also. It's uncomfortable and a bit painful. Further
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        12.12.11, 06:35 PM Flag
        
        ... Furthermore, psychologically, it's a scary thing to go through. yes, they are precancerous cells, but it left untreated, it very well can turn in to cancerous cells.
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        12.12.11, 06:38 PM Flag
        
        no- Sorry. I've had a cryo and they freeze off the top layer of your cervix- for me I was lying there shaking and it was very very unpleasant, even with the local. I'm surprised cryo is still performed these days- I heard most are now done with laser now as one gyno said to me that cryo was 'barbaric'.
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        12.12.11, 06:58 PM Flag
        
        -np
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        12.12.11, 06:59 PM Flag
  - I find when we try and protect people from the truth it usually turns around to bite us all in the ass. Be upfront with her stepfather.
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    12.12.11, 04:04 PM Flag
    - Well, that's how it turned out in this scenario. I was screwed over by her actions and then I had to tell my husband what was going on.
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      12.12.11, 04:17 PM Flag
      - No, your daughter was screwed over because her mother refused to help her after her procedure so she was pretty much forced to go stay with her boyfriend instead. You made your own bed, OP.
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        12.12.11, 04:20 PM Flag
        
        This. OP You shouldn't have decided to "spare" the step dad and then blame your daughter for this.
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        12.12.11, 04:25 PM Flag
        
        I didn't refuse to help my daughter. You are acting like she went in for surgery. I spoke to the doctor today and was told that it's a routine and very simple procedure that only takes 20min. Minimal discomfort after the fact. She could have easily come home.
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        12.12.11, 04:29 PM Flag
        
        Yeah, and not mentioned the procedure to a soul. Sure. This was likely her first true medical procedure, and it was not a routine screening- it was because they found something abnormal! She is only 20- she was probably fearful the whole time, no matter how minor you think it was. You refused to support her. She chose her boyfriend over your. This is your fault.
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        12.12.11, 04:36 PM Flag
        
        I had a friend in college who had this. She was laid up for 2 days. Sad for about 2 weeks. For the first time your daughter had to face her mprtality and her mother denied her the fear. That lead her to go to her boyfriend. This is a direct consequence of you choosing your husband's feelings over hers. Own it.
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        12.12.11, 07:27 PM Flag
        
        It sounds like it's not a big deal. In fact it would be fun for you to go and get it done yourself! Is the doctor a male? Has the doctor had it done to them? Can they truly speak from experience?
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        12.12.11, 08:03 PM Flag
      - You were screwed over by worrying about what MIGHT trouble your DH instead of what DID bother your dd. If I were her, I'd be hurt as he'll by this.
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        12.12.11, 04:39 PM Flag
        
        I KNOW that this would have sent him into a panic. Did you not read? He threatened suicide last year around the anniversary of his mother's death.
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        12.12.11, 05:17 PM Flag
        
        But you keep saying how this is NOTHING. Make up your mind.
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        12.12.11, 05:37 PM Flag
        
        Yes, I know it was nothing, but my husband would have overreacted since he has anxiety/bipolar.
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        12.12.11, 05:41 PM Flag
  - Maybe the 42 yo man from yr earlier post can go with her to her next appt. since you find her health problems so inconvenient.
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    12.12.11, 04:06 PM Flag
  - A leep procedure? Ok. You need to get your dd another opinion from a doctor you can trust. A friend of mine was told something similar by a doctor on campus and had the cryo procedure. She was afraid to tell her mom and went alone. She eventually learned that she needed no such thing and has ongoing issues because of it. Take your daughter to the doctor yourself. Keeping quiet to protect tour dh is not the answer here.
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    12.12.11, 04:07 PM Flag
    - Whose the doctor? A campus doc. Do not let anyone touch your daughter without getting all of the info.
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      12.12.11, 04:09 PM Flag
      - No, my gyn, whom she has been seeing since she was 16.
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        12.12.11, 04:12 PM Flag
      - She is a 20 year old adult. Mom can't prevent her from getting medical care, or dictate what care she gets. Heck, this mom is telling her she can't even speak about her medical problem to anyone in the family- and actively thinks she is lying about it. OP-- do NOT get involved in your poor daughter's medical care.
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        12.12.11, 04:14 PM Flag
        
        or: 20 year olds need help managing these things. sorry. Does she live on her own and pay her own bills. I'm guessing no. I agree that op sucks. Why do these women always make everything about their new dh. Pathetic!
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        12.12.11, 04:18 PM Flag
        
        PP- I do agree that she needs help- which is why I'm kind of glad she was able to go to her boyfriend for help, maybe her boyfriend can help her more than her mother (or her boyfriend's parents)
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        12.12.11, 04:21 PM Flag
        
        She does live on her own and pay her own bills. And we've told her that she's allowed to do what she wants at her own place, but at our place, she needs to respect the rules.
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        12.12.11, 04:22 PM Flag
        
        And lie about medical procedures, apparently.
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        12.12.11, 04:24 PM Flag
        
        But she had no choice!! Who was she supposed to stay with after the procedure-- you told her not to let your DH know about it. So she had to stay with someone else. You make no sense.
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        12.12.11, 04:24 PM Flag
        
        So she is not "allowed" to stay at her boyfriend's house even though she doesn't live with you? LOL!
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        12.12.11, 04:28 PM Flag
        
        Yes, it's about being respectful towards our rules.
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        12.12.11, 05:23 PM Flag
        
        You preach respect, but you're on here calling your daughter attention-grabbing, overreacting, and pretending to need moral support from her significant other when in reality you're sure that she just wants his dick. In her vagina. AFTER A SURGICAL PROCEDURE ON HER CERVIX. You can't have sex right after a cryo.
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        12.12.11, 05:39 PM Flag
        
        She always overreacts concerning health concerns. She just wants the attention. She might not have had sex, but she wanted to be the center of attention.
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        12.12.11, 05:43 PM Flag
        
        according to you, she overreacts. she sounds like she's reacting like a 20 yr old who's been told she could have cancer. i'd be frightened too at that age. hell, having mono sent me into a tizzy.
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        12.12.11, 07:26 PM Flag
        
        WTF - she does not even live with you and you and your husband are trying to dictate where she sleeps at night.....OP, I am sorry your life is so miserable
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        12.12.11, 06:02 PM Flag
  - There are so many things wrong with this post and with you in general. I'm just wondering how you think it's possible to have a rule for your 20 yo that says she cannot stay the night at her boyfriend's house, even though she no longer lives with you. Talk about controlling?!?! You are so terrified of your husband that you would prevent your daughter from telling him some basic truths about her health. What is making you the most angry is that you have to justify why your daughter is not staying over? Grow a pair of balls and worry about your daughter instead of your husband!
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    12.12.11, 04:27 PM Flag
  - This is fake.
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    12.12.11, 04:28 PM Flag
  - secrets are never a good idea. Your DH is an adult who can deal with reality. Stop trying to control everyone. I would avoid you too. she came to you for comfort and got rules to coddle your husband. Not good
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    12.12.11, 04:31 PM Flag
  - Sorry OP, I started to read this but had to stop once you said having a cryo is just like having your period. FAKE.
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    12.12.11, 04:39 PM Flag
  - A few issues. 1.). With the new pap smear guidelines, no one is supposed to be getting a pap smear before 21 so your gyn is not following proper guidelines to start with. 2.). Cryo is emotionally stressful and the recovery is painful 3.) It is illegal for this dr to discuss anything about your daughters care with you (HIPPA) so either you are fake or he is an awful doctor. Either way, if my mother chose her husbands anxiety over helping me through a cancer scare, I would never speak to her again.
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    12.12.11, 04:44 PM Flag
    - I don't know what you are talking about because she's been getting a pap smear since she was 16 and you are most definitely supposed to get an annual pap smear if you are sexually active. Recovery is very simply and things are only as emotionally stressful as you allow them to be. I didn't discuss the specifics of my daughter's situation with my doctor, I simply called to have her discuss what occurs during a cryo and the recovery/treatment.
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      12.12.11, 05:25 PM Flag
      - Not true. No paps under 21 regardless of sexual activity and pals only every 2 years 21-29 and every 3 years over 30 with no history of abnormal paps. Here's the link: http://www.asccp.org/ConsensusGuidelines/tabid/7436/Default.aspx. I'm an OB/GYN and I wouldn't have told you a thing with out your daughters permission - it's a HIPPA violation.
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        12.12.11, 06:37 PM Flag
        
        Again, you must have gone to a crappy med school, so whatever. I didn't discuss my daughter's case. I simply called the office to discuss what occurs during a cryo. And, my daughter has been getting a pap ever year since she was 16. This is the first time I've ever heard of someone stating that it should only occur every 2 years+.
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        12.12.11, 07:04 PM Flag
        
        Nope. Not a crappy med school. A good one that taught me to practice evidence based medicine. The guidelines are clear in the link I posted. Your gyn is choosing to go against guidelines - he's going with his opinion rather than the evidence - risky business.
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        12.12.11, 07:18 PM Flag
        
        I didn't see anything in your link but gibberish.
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        12.12.11, 07:22 PM Flag
        
        NP - that's a nutty guideline! My very first pap at 19 was abnormal and they found precancerous cells at that time. I hate to think what would have happened if I had to wait another 2 years.
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        12.12.11, 08:24 PM Flag
      - so you allow news of your daughter's health to be emotionally stressful to your DH but you won't allow your daughter's medical procedure to be stressful to her? double standard much?
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        12.12.11, 06:39 PM Flag
        
        My husband has a mental illness so we must tread carefully with him. My daughter and I do not need to take the same precautions.
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        12.12.11, 07:06 PM Flag
        
        i like how you've decided for your daughter that she does not need any emotional support
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        12.12.11, 07:23 PM Flag
        
        For having PREcancerous cells? No, I don't think the world stops for that and everyone I spoke to assured me that it was totally common. I should have just written that she had an abnormal pap smear and then everyone would have responded differently, instead, you all are clinging to one word.
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        12.12.11, 07:30 PM Flag
        
        you mean the part about her cryo? yes, having a cryo is different than having an abnormal pap. lady, cryos are PAINFUL
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        12.12.11, 08:02 PM Flag
  - I don't get why your daughter wasn't allowed to mention it to your DH, since all of your posts stress how NOT a big deal this was, and how your daughter is completely fine and the procedure was the smallest thing ever? If it is so not a big deal, why the secrecy?
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    12.12.11, 04:49 PM Flag
  - First of all, I think this is fake. But if it's real, then you must be an awful mother and human being. While it's true this procedure isn't uncommon, it can still be terrifying, especially to a 20-year old. I've had two friends who had this procedure in their early 20s and both were terried -- they spent weeks online researching all of the worst case scenarios and cried and cried over it. Are you so sure your daughter hasn't be crying herself to sleep every night like my friends did, thinking she might have cancer? I also had the procedure at an older age, and I was also terried but for a different reason. Did you know that if the results of the cryo are bad, and you need a further procedure (forget the name), they actually lop off the bottom part of your cervix? Which can increase the chances of miscarriage. And if you need that procedure more than once (not entirely unlikely since your daughter is so young), that greatly increases the chances of not being able to carry a child to full term. That is fairly scary. Not that you deserve to be in any future grandchild's life anyway.
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    12.12.11, 04:50 PM Flag
    - the bottom of your cervix, which increases the chances of miscarriage? And if she needs that procedure more than once (not unlikely given that she's so young), her chances of being able to carry a baby full term decrease even more? Scary.
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      12.12.11, 04:54 PM Flag
      - poster above. this is what happened to my friend.
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        12.12.11, 05:08 PM Flag
      - I am not hysterical and I don't worry about the worst case scenarios with matters of health.
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        12.12.11, 05:29 PM Flag
        
        But, on the flipside, you think your DH will commit suicide if he hears about your daughter having what you describe as a very routine procedure that over 70% of women will need. So, really, you are hysterical.
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        12.12.11, 05:39 PM Flag
        
        No, I know my DH and his anxiety is terrible.
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        12.12.11, 05:44 PM Flag
        
        Higher chance of miscarriage from these procedures isn't "worst case scenario", it's fairly commonplace. I am shocked at your lack of empathy towards your own daughter. I hope you have a therapist.
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        12.12.11, 05:40 PM Flag
  - I am hoping this is fake. If not, you are a terrible and awful mom.
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    12.12.11, 04:57 PM Flag
  - It's unusual to do cryo as a first step anymore. She doesn't have a good doctor, you live somewhere backward (you certainly are!) or there's more going on than one bad PAP.
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    12.12.11, 04:58 PM Flag
    - This is the first time she's mentioned it to me. Are you a gyn? I know that it was performed by the nurse practitioner.
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      12.12.11, 05:27 PM Flag
  - And the worst mom of the year award goes to...
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    12.12.11, 04:59 PM Flag
  - You seem like a jerk mom.
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    12.12.11, 05:02 PM Flag
  - Yikes, you sound like an awful mother.
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    12.12.11, 05:08 PM Flag
  - Wow.
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    12.12.11, 05:23 PM Flag
  - This is such a strange post. I usually don't call fake, but there are so many strange details, and OP is so hostile, I at least hope it's fake. Plus, nobody would really be this upset- main point of all of this mind you, that her adult daughter slept at her boyfriend's. She is being fat to defensive of he silly rule, for this to be a real person that really thinks this way.
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    12.12.11, 05:27 PM Flag
    - Exactly. So much detail about something so inane. Why would anyone post on this (if it was true?)
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      12.12.11, 05:29 PM Flag
    - I am upset because of all the drama it caused. It's 11pm and my daughter is not home. My husband wants to know where she is and I have to tell him, I don't know. I was hoping that she would change her mind and come home. He gets upset and anxious and tells me that he's going to call the police. He was worried to death that something might have happened to her. I tell him that she's staying the night at her boyfriends. My husband becomes livid and tries calling her - no answer. He tells me that he's going over to his apartment and is even saying that he's going to fight the kid because he knows what our rules are about sleepovers. He found it terribly disrepectful. I then spent an hour trying to calm him down and he's cursing and pissed. Finally, I get a hold of her boyfriend and he tells me that she's sleeping but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her life. The neighbors are listening to this. She runs to her room, packs her suitcase and says that she won't be coming home anymore. My husband is about to have a heart attack. She's causing a huge scene in the hall by not coming back to the apartment. Her boyfriend is trying to calm down my husband and my husband slaps him in the chest. This causes my daughter to start crying and yelling.
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      12.12.11, 05:35 PM Flag
      - Finally, I get a hold of her boyfriend and he tells me that she's sleeping but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her life. The neighbors are listening to this. She runs to her room, packs her suitcase and says that she won't be coming home anymore. My husband is about to have a heart attack. She's causing a huge scene in the hall by not coming back to the apartment. Her boyfriend is trying to calm down my husband and my husband slaps him in the chest. This causes my daughter to start crying and yelling.
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        12.12.11, 05:38 PM Flag
        
        Her boyfriend acts as mediator and finally gets everyone back into the apartment. I am pissed, but my daughter and husband have started to calm down. My husband apologizes, my daughter laughs it off and we tell her that she can spend the rest of the weekend at her boyfriend's if she'd like and she does. So, she got everything that she wanted.
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        12.12.11, 05:39 PM Flag
        
        Sounds like your husband is abusive, you are horribly controlling of your daughter, and then after a massive fight that I probably would have called the police on if I'd witnessed, you laugh it off and tell you daughter she can have her way. Newsflash: she doesn't need your permission to have her way. She is an adult, who pays her own bills (according to you). She didn't make a scene here- your husband did.
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        12.12.11, 05:43 PM Flag
        
        Except a functional, non-abusive family. She still wishes for that.
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        12.12.11, 05:46 PM Flag
        
        What exactly was abusive? She was provoking the situation with all of her yelling and crying.
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        12.12.11, 05:50 PM Flag
        
        Your husband hitting her boyfriend, for starters
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        12.12.11, 05:58 PM Flag
        
        Absolutely. Op your dh just hit your daughter's boyfriend and you're condoning it. You've chosen him over her so you should not be surprised when she wants nothing to do with you.
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        12.12.11, 07:31 PM Flag
  - You put your husband before your daughter and offered little support. Why would she come home to stay with you, so she can feel worse than she already did. I'd be mighty pissed at you if I were her.
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    12.12.11, 05:28 PM Flag
    - I think you're all being assholes to OP. Big deal she said 'dont tell dad'. Im sure it wasnt the first time! I grew up with that phrase embedded in my mind, and we were told it for various reasons.... To not upset him, to not disappoint him, to not let him know the real price of something. That comment doesnt make her a terrible mom. Its not like she is saying that dad will be mad that you have precancerous cells. She didnt want dad to be upset. Lighten up idiots. Daughter is also 20 and at that 'i can do it myself stage' maybe she thought it was no big deal. Did she say why she slept at bfs?
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      12.12.11, 05:42 PM Flag
      - Hi, OP. She slept at her boyfriends because she was likely upset after having her cryo, and wasn't allowed to talk about her feelings at home. She wasn't having sex, because that is contraindicated after a cryo (and painful!!). You brushed aside her worries and told her she wasn't allowed to talk about them, and then got mad at her for following your wishes.
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        12.12.11, 05:44 PM Flag
      - "Don't tell dad how much mom's haircut cost" is a far cry from "don't tell dad you have precancerous cells being removed today". Although both are fucked up.
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        12.12.11, 05:45 PM Flag
      - Ok, OP. 1 person agrees with you.
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        12.12.11, 05:47 PM Flag
  - Your daughter is not talking to you now, is she? that is why you are mad, right? Serves you right. You are an awful, awful, mother.
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    12.12.11, 05:32 PM Flag
  - OP: To make it clear here's what was awful. Your 20 year old daughter got test results that had the phrase "pre-cancerous" in them and had to have a painful procedure - possibly the first in her life. Regardless of "the stats" this is a huge deal for a 20 year old; it touches on mortality, on reproduction, a whole bunch of things. You completely ignored her feelings. At the same time you asked her to not tell your DH. Clearly you are way more concerned with his bipolar etc. than your daughter - don't think she doesn't know it. I also I think you don't really believe it's not HPV related and you are engaged in shaming her about her sexuality/issues with 'private areas'/boyfriend. Regardless, you completely misstepped. If you want any hope of repairing your relationship with YOUR DAUGHTER you should apologize and get counselling asap. The drama was your fault.
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    12.12.11, 05:51 PM Flag
    - ^^Sorry that should be To OP:
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      12.12.11, 05:51 PM Flag
      - I disagree. I wouldnt have wanted my dad to ow that i had pre cancerous cells removed either! And the mom is not necessarily wrong. Doctors these days tells us how common the se precancerous cells are and to not worry in the least.
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        12.12.11, 06:03 PM Flag
        
        Sorry that in your family you couldn't share what was happening in your life due to an antiquated notion that anything wrong in the lady bits is not worth mentioning. In 2011, many dads are able to, believe it or not, hear about the cervix without imploding.
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        12.12.11, 06:14 PM Flag
  - I had dysplasia when I was that age, I had two procedures, and did not tell my mother, she would have freaked out and not been any support at all. it is very common. Try to be supportive
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    12.12.11, 06:12 PM Flag
  - The daughter has an amazing, supportive BF who not only supports her when she needs it, but has the maturity to stand between her and her crazy, abusive family and even to act as mediator. What a guy. I think she should marry him and never speak to her birth family again. I want to adopt them both! This mother makes me want to vomit. Hoping this is fake.
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    12.12.11, 06:26 PM Flag
  - You fucked up.
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    12.12.11, 06:31 PM Flag
  - Mercy! This post unfortunately isn't fake it seems, but it is unreal.
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    12.12.11, 06:32 PM Flag
  - News flash OP - When asked where your daughter is do not cryptically say "I don't know" in a way that will upset your anxious bi-polar husband. You could have told the truth (a friend) without the details and avoid the whole as you call it Drama fest. But I certainly don't blame you daughter for staying away for a while, a long while. You are trying to control a 20 year old like a 16 year old and it will only be bad.
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    12.12.11, 06:34 PM Flag
    - I don't lie to my husband. It's not a place that I want to be placed in. She forced me to deal with HER drama when she left with no explanation to her father. If she wants to act like an adult, then she needs to tell her father that she won't be staying the night at our place and she'll be staying with her boyfriend. Instead, she sneaked away like she was doing something wrong - which she was. And she only told me that she was going to be spending the night with him because she knew that I would be easier on her than my husband would have been.
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      12.12.11, 06:46 PM Flag
      - No she didn't. She put you exactly in the place you wanted to be- the martyr. She said "I am having a medical procedure", and you said basically that you didn't care. She said "I'm going to my boyfriend's", and she left. You were the one who chose to tell your husband. It's interesting that you wanted your daughter to practice selective honesty with your DH to spare his feelings, but you refused to practice selective honesty with him. Why? Because you were mad at your daughter and wanted to get back at her. You don't care about lying to your husband. Not telling a man that his daughter is undergoing a medical procedure like a cryo is the same thing as lying.
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        12.12.11, 08:08 PM Flag
  - OP, you must, after all this, see how you handled this terribly wrong? Please, think a little more about your daughter's feelings, and not always just of your husband. Even, sometimes maybe, in her favor, bend to sometimes take her side, just because she is your darling daughter.
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    12.12.11, 06:36 PM Flag
    - This.
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      12.12.11, 06:37 PM Flag
    - X3. This is your daughter. Your baby. She was scared, she had to be. Please just show her some love.
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      12.12.11, 06:39 PM Flag
      - No, everyone on here just loves to get hysterical. It is a routine and common procedure. I have to worry about my husband, who is mentally ill, and how he would overreact concerning the situation. She has to add drama to the situation by breaking a house rule and leaving me to pick up the pieces. Then, she comes home with her boyfriend, causes a huge scene that nearly throws my husband into a full blown anxiety attack.
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        12.12.11, 07:10 PM Flag
        
        no, you have to worry about your daughter. who had precancerous cells. who had a painful medical procedure. who you told to shut up and move on, so you could focus on your precious husband. why can your husband get special attention when you don't feel your daughter merits it?
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        12.12.11, 07:20 PM Flag
        
        My daughter doesn't have a mental illness and her situation is common.
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        12.12.11, 07:31 PM Flag
        
        You know what else is common? Mental illness. If anything, your husband is the one who is having a commonplace issue. Bipolar is way more common than cervical cancer- which I get your daughter doesn't have (yet), but she was fearful that she might.
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        12.12.11, 08:06 PM Flag
        
        Omg. You're awful. I would literally disappear from your life if I were your daughter.
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        12.12.11, 07:23 PM Flag
        
        You are making choices here. Own them.
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        12.12.11, 07:33 PM Flag
  - What does it mean when you say that he threatened suicide? This is such a joke.
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    12.12.11, 06:49 PM Flag
  - Op is a total narcissist. I feel for her daughter. Op, you should read a book called the narcissistic family - I bet it describes yours pretty well.
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    12.12.11, 07:51 PM Flag
[+] I love my DH more than anything, but he really does not do ANY planning for our lives... 39 replies
- work. And the other people who were busting their asses in their spare time got sick of being told that they weren't really doing anything or affecting our future and...not like 2001 when you could sell your house for more money if you got sick of it in a year or two. If we buy a place right now,...doesn't critisize the outcomes. Nothing worse than someone who is sort of a Monday morning QB after things go wrong....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 12, 2011
- I love my DH more than anything, but he really does not do ANY planning for our lives. I'm not talking about planning social events, but more about planning our life. I'm in my 3rd trimester with our first child and trying to plan where we are going to live, what we are going to do for child care, how we are going to allocate money, etc. He is so clueless and just thinks that things fall into place, and I am of the mindset that things just do not magically fall into place without proper planning and execution. Does anyone else have a DH like this and how do you cope?
  39 replies
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  General Topics
  12.12.11, 07:13 AM Flag ]
  - I just do it all. It lowers my stress because if DH were left to do it, I'd stress about when he'd actually get it done, how he'd get it done etc.
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    12.12.11, 07:15 AM Flag
    - I do too, but it bothers me. I feel like I make every single major decision, and therefore take all of the risk. The other aspect is that he is divorced and has DCs from his previous marriage, so my decisions impact them as well. It's just too much responsibility and unfair to me, but if I did not think, plan, and act, we would literally not do a single thing.
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      12.12.11, 07:17 AM Flag
      - What type of risk? I view it as I make the major decisions so really I have more control over the outcome. Yeah there's risk but that risk (for us collectively) would still be there if he were making the decisions too. I tend to agree with the person below who said it's easier without 2 strong opinions, that's a good way to look at it.
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        12.12.11, 07:20 AM Flag
        
        OP: Any major purchase (a home, etc) is a bit of a risk, and choosing a place to live is also a risk. It's not like 2001 when you could sell your house for more money if you got sick of it in a year or two. If we buy a place right now, we should be expecting to stay for at least 5 years. When your partner doesn't think about this, it means all the risk is on my shoulders.
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        12.12.11, 07:24 AM Flag
        
        True. Though if you make the wrong decision he bears the burden also. So yeah the risk of decision making is on your shoulders, but he's the one who's really taking the risk that you'll make the right decision. If that makes any sense. I'd MUCH rather be the one in the driver seat on decisions like this than the one letting my fate ride on my partner's shoulders. I see what you're saying though. But look at it as a positive, you can make whatever you think is the right decision (I guess this only works if you trust your instinct) and he has to just go along with it.
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        12.12.11, 07:27 AM Flag
        
        Yes, I see this but sometimes the decisions I want to make for our family will not necessarily benefit my step-DCs. I will give you an example - we have a budget to buy a new home. We can get a 2 BR in our current neighborhood, which is completely fine with me, but this means his 3 DCs will be sleeping in the living room when they come over. If we move to a less desirable neighborhood, we can afford a bigger space. He does not care either way, even though it impacts his children.
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        12.12.11, 07:32 AM Flag
        
        IMHO, if he's giving up the decision making to you, do whatever you prefer. Example, if you're happier in the current neighborhood and it doesn't bother you (physically or guilt-wise) that they're in the LR, then go for the 2BR.
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        12.12.11, 07:36 AM Flag
        
        It bothers me guilt-wise, and that is the issue, I suppose. I want him to at least provide input and state a preference, but he just does not.
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        12.12.11, 07:37 AM Flag
        
        You are part of a blended family, and are obligated to make the decisions that are best for everyone concerned. Regardless of whose responsibility it should be, I hope you would never consider making a choice that undercut the welfare of his older children.
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        12.12.11, 07:38 AM Flag
        
        np: Why should the step-mom be expected to make decisions that undercut her own children for her step-children if the DH doesn't care?
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        12.12.11, 07:40 AM Flag
        
        Come on now. You care for children on principle, because they're children. Not as a function of how much their parent values them. Unless, of course, you are ethically compromised.
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        12.12.11, 08:47 AM Flag
        
        I'm not sure if sleeping in the living room for a few weeks per year (they live in another state) is really undercutting their welfare. That's the problem...I would like input from their father on this. If it were my own children, I am not sure I would care either way. I also grew up in NYC and am used to squeezing in a small space.
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        12.12.11, 07:44 AM Flag
        
        If it's only for a few weeks a year, that's hardly a problem. If he only has them for that space of time, I find it hard to see how any choice you make could truly affect them (short of telling them not to come.) If he ever wants them more consistently, that's different.
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        12.12.11, 08:44 AM Flag
    - Well, this is my dh. He does it all or he drives me crazy about the details.
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      12.12.11, 09:53 AM Flag
  - Yes, totally and I was in exactly the same boat you are now. I just stopped expecting him to contribute and made all the decisions by myself. Accept him for who he is, and move on--you'll both be much happier. And if he is bothered by a decision that you make, it will maybe trigger him to contribute more in the future.
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    12.12.11, 07:16 AM Flag
  - i just do it.
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    12.12.11, 07:16 AM Flag
  - Do it and be glad you don't have to argue with him about it - not having a second opinionated person has its benefits.
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    12.12.11, 07:17 AM Flag
    - OP: I can definitely appreciate this, but he also has DCs from his previous marriage who are impacted by my (our?) decisions. It does not feel right, but he just does not get it.
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      12.12.11, 07:18 AM Flag
  - Almost all DHs are this way, at least until the kids hit 'real school' when some decide they want a say. Get used to a division of labor (but let him know that if he doesn't engage upfront, he's not allowed to criticize your decisions later).
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    12.12.11, 07:18 AM Flag
    - OP: My DH will do any task I ask him to do without a single complaint, and he is a fantastic executer, but he just does not know how to think/plan ahead. He is also not from NYC and does not really understand how your decisions tend to impact your choices later on much more so than in other areas of the country.
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      12.12.11, 07:21 AM Flag
      - My DH is also somewhat like this. We have developed a system. I put together a few scenarios for him based on my preferences, and then he picks the one he likes the best. Then we divide up the tasks needed to implement it. Occasionally he will find he does have a strong preference about something, or an idea about the future he just never expressed consciously. Not allocating funds properly is the only serious aspect that cannot be handled well in this way---get thee to a financial planner, quick!
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        12.12.11, 07:33 AM Flag
  - I was in a band with a guy like this (not to reduce your life to the inner workings of a band, but the parallels are similar). We were starting to play bigger and better venues with bigger and better bands through the hard work of networking and making calls and sending cds and everything you have to do to make a band work but this guy, who was the "leader" of the band since he was the singer and wrote the songs, just assumed that it was all happening organically when it wasn't. It was hard work. And the other people who were busting their asses in their spare time got sick of being told that they weren't really doing anything or affecting our future and stopped. Well, we also stopped progressing and 3 years later we're playing crap places with crap bands and the singer is still waiting for the magic to start again.
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    12.12.11, 07:20 AM Flag
    - ^^^Point is, we had the "luxury" of letting it fail to prove a point and to let him know that it's hard work. You don't really have that luxury because this is your life. I think that you should train him to start making decisions by giving him easy ones to start with. After a few months maybe he'll grow up.
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      12.12.11, 07:41 AM Flag
  - I wouldn't mind making all of those decisions as longs as DH doesn't critisize the outcomes. Nothing worse than someone who is sort of a Monday morning QB after things go wrong.
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    12.12.11, 07:31 AM Flag
    - OP: He never criticizes, thank God, but I think he opts out partially because he is afraid to take the risk himself.
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      12.12.11, 07:34 AM Flag
      - I'm similar to your dh. But my dh is a micro-manager. each time I try to do something he'll come back with "did you look into this?" or
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        12.12.11, 07:36 AM Flag
        
        ^^ or "why didn't you do it this way?". Even when I buy something for the house he'll ask if I used a coupon etc. It drives me nuts b/c every action will get second-guessed. That's why I let HIM do the work. (and he makes mistakes too--and hates being called out on them).
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        12.12.11, 07:38 AM Flag
        
        I would probably do the same thing, because I think it's very important to weigh out important decisions by thinking and planning.
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        12.12.11, 07:38 AM Flag
  - Chance favors the prepared. It's not fair, but life isn't. Just do it, if you otherwise value your DH. My defaulting DH occasionally grouses that I'm bossy. I just look at him and say, "would you like to take on the responsibility for planning XYZ?" and he shuts right up!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.12.11, 07:38 AM Flag
  - I would go with the "things with fall into place" approach.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.12.11, 07:42 AM Flag
    - So do you save money for your retirement, or do you just expect that things will fall into place when the time comes? Do you work to cultivate your career and make sure that you are marketable? Do you move to a neighborhood with horrible schools when you cannot afford private, and then expect that things will work out when you are sending your child to a terrible school?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.12.11, 07:47 AM Flag
      - OP: Exactly. Do you buy in an 'up and coming' area knowing that you may only be there for 5 years or less and could stand to lose a significant amount of money if you sold early? Do you move to a suburb vs the city, even though you will be faced with a long and unreliable commute?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 07:51 AM Flag
      - I save money and expect that things will fall into place. You can make simple, straightforward decisions, and take certain obvious steps, that don't really require major planning, but rather just being reasonably smart.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 09:54 AM Flag
        
        ^^^And as to the school question, of course I wouldn't move to a terrible school district and then hope their education is fine. But that hardly seems like what OP is talking about. To me it sounds more like her DH is someone who would want to live somewhere that has good enough schools and then know that the rest will actually take care of itself.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 09:56 AM Flag
    - Good luck with childcare just "falling into place."
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.12.11, 07:47 AM Flag
      - OP: This is my point. My DH has actually stated a preference for day care vs nanny, but he doesn't understand that day care in NYC is not as easy as it sounds.
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        12.12.11, 07:50 AM Flag
        
        Give him a list of 3-5 that he should research and get back to you on. Treat him like your assistant if he wants to leave the decisions up to you. Maybe he'll want in on the decision making process after getting involved with the leg work.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 08:05 AM Flag
      - Well, it always has fallen into place. We've had part-time babysitting, we've both stayed home for portions of the week. DW has been full-time SAHM at times. None of it required sitting down and "planning for the future." It just required dealing with the present as our fluid lives have progressed.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 09:52 AM Flag
        
        I suspect your DW was planning more than you think
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.12.11, 11:09 AM Flag
[+] My normally kind DH was total A-hole to me when I was pregnant: ex. constantly called... 71 replies
- See, I would look at it the opposite. Now SHE has a child and her DH has demonstrated he can't be relied upon. What happens if she gets sick? If their DC does? If he loses his job? Or she does? The point of marriage is getting through life with someone, not despite them....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 11, 2011
- My normally kind DH was total A-hole to me when I was pregnant: ex. constantly called me a fat cow; got mad at me for having morning sickness (his sister didn't, so he said I must be faking it), left me alone for weeks at a time (for work) but didn't call once to check on me, won't answer my calls, left me during labor -- after baby when I felt stronger, I geared myself up to leave him but then he reverted back to being super-kind -- apologizing for the way he treated me, claiming temp. insanity..whatever, I decided to make marriage work for family & baby sake, but it's been over a year and I'm still so angry at him. I'm having trouble forgetting. He said he understands and he'll do whatever it takes to make it up to me...so far, he's lived up to his promise and has been really great. So HOW do I move on past the hurt, anger?
  71 replies
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  General Topics
  12.11.11, 03:44 PM Flag ]
  - couples counseling. Now.
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    12.11.11, 03:45 PM Flag
  - Question is do you want more kids with him? Willing to go through the same?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 03:50 PM Flag
    - NOOOOOO. Definitely no more kids with him. So traumatized about what happened. Can't risk something like that happening again. But sad about the whole thing, I really wanted 2 or 3 kids.....
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 04:03 PM Flag
      - Same here. Always thought I'd want 2, but after what I went through, followed by his not getting up at night once for DBs entire first 10 weeks, there is no way I'd have another with him. Makes me sad. Fortunately DS is delightful.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 04:27 PM Flag
        
        Yes, it sounds cheesy, but baby really is the only light in my life right now.
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        12.11.11, 04:38 PM Flag
  - I have no idea. What you describe is so horrible, and I'd have a lot of trouble moving on. How dare he? I think you should try a trial separation to see if you miss him or if you are relieved. How does he expect you to ever want to have another child with him? And how does he treat his baby?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 03:51 PM Flag
    - They have a child together and it's worth it to work on the relationship, especially if he is "normally kind." I'm divorced and my divorce destroyed me, personally and financially. Counseling saved my second marriage.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 03:53 PM Flag
      - I am not advocating a quicky divorce. But she needs to spend some time away from this man if after a year she hasn't forgiven him. Normally kind is great, but what he did to her and their unborn child is just awful. How do you get past that?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 03:57 PM Flag
        
        It's called forgiveness. More people should try it. Beats a child custody battle any day.
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        12.11.11, 04:08 PM Flag
        
        There is a time and place for forgiveness. It's deserved and easy to do when you know something will not happen again. When you don't and always live in fear that it may happen again it's hard to forgive.
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        12.11.11, 04:28 PM Flag
        
        +1.
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        12.11.11, 04:31 PM Flag
        
        Did you actually have a child custody battle?
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        12.11.11, 04:34 PM Flag
        
        No, but until I do, I'm not going to be suggesting divorce to people with children. I've seen enough people get their lives destroyed that way--a good friend is now 50K in debt and counting. Am I really the only person who thinks counseling is worth a shot here?
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        12.11.11, 04:39 PM Flag
        
        Am I the only one who finds living in fear of a child custody battle to be an ongoing feature of their marriage?
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        12.11.11, 04:58 PM Flag
        
        Because I'm suggesting counseling before getting a divorce? Yes, that makes it a huge feature of my marriage, thanks for your insight.
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        12.11.11, 05:05 PM Flag
        
        Whoa why so much sarcasm? The question was genuine. Of course they should try counseling before divorce.
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        12.11.11, 06:10 PM Flag
      - See, I would look at it the opposite. Now SHE has a child and her DH has demonstrated he can't be relied upon. What happens if she gets sick? If their DC does? If he loses his job? Or she does? The point of marriage is getting through life with someone, not despite them.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 04:01 PM Flag
        
        What is wrong with trying counseling? Why are you rejecting it out of hand? If you haven't tried divorce, don't advise it for anyone else, believe me.
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        12.11.11, 04:06 PM Flag
        
        The Op
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        12.11.11, 04:12 PM Flag
        
        The OP won't know how her DH will respond to the next "crisis" until they are in the middle of it - at which point it will be too late.
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        12.11.11, 04:14 PM Flag
        
        Yes, this is a major concern. I ask myself all the time, what if I get cancer or something? Will he "act up" again? Trust is such a big issue here because this really caught me off guard - this is a guy who usually goes out of his way to try to do the right thing, be kind to people, live a "clean and honest" life. Never in a million years could I imagine he'd do this to me.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 04:13 PM Flag
      - Destroyed you how?
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        12.11.11, 04:28 PM Flag
    - We did a trial separation. I didn't miss him that much - just a tiny smidge - but mostly I felt sad about DB not having a dad, not having an "in-tact" family (I come from dysfunctional home and always dreamed of the traditional family set-up) A big part of me wants to pursue divorce but I feel like I owe it to us as a family to at least give him a chance but I really struggle with it. I thought that over time, the hurt would lessen but it hasn't...I don't know...
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 04:09 PM Flag
      - But you DO have a dysfunctional family. Your dh was a monster to you while you were pregnant with his child. Then he went back to 'normal.' That's the definition if dysfunctional
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        12.11.11, 04:13 PM Flag
    - OP again: So far he seems to be a good dad. Loves DB to pieces, pitches in with childcare/housework...I'm trying to focus on that...but the past hurt keeps creeping up.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 04:22 PM Flag
  - Has he offered any insight into WHY he acted this way?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 03:57 PM Flag
    - It sounds like he wasn't ready to have a child, and was taking it out on OP by acting like a total douche. Men are SUCH CHILDREN!!!
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      12.11.11, 04:10 PM Flag
    - He says he thinks a lot about it also -- he says he's not exactly sure, but thinks that he was at the point in our relationship where he was taking me for granted. He says that maybe subconsciously, he thought that now that I was pregnant, that there was no way I would leave (cavemanish, he acknowledges).
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 04:16 PM Flag
      - My dh, who acted like an a** during my pregnancy, said to our newborn within my earshot "Mommies not going anywhere for awhile now." I left him two years later.
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        12.11.11, 04:23 PM Flag
      - Basically, 'I knew you were trapped so I knew I could stop being kind to you.' That he could turn his kindness off like that to reveal what lies underneath, namely, cruelty, is very disturbing.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 04:26 PM Flag
        
        OP: Yes, yes, yes! Totally agree. Hence the daily struggle - divorce or stay married to someone I don't really trust -- meanwhile, while I'm trying to figure out what to do, I'm getting older, *only* 30, but clock is ticking if I want to try to remarry and possibly have more children.
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        12.11.11, 04:33 PM Flag
        
        You have a decade. That is plenty of time. There are certain sacred times, and pregnancy is one of those times. I'm not sure how he could have acted the way he did and thought you wouldn't leave him. How has he tried to rewin and keep your trust?
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        12.11.11, 04:42 PM Flag
        
        He apologizes a lot and *deals* with my outbursts about the whole thing. Has taken me on vacation to try to rekindle fire, makes effort to schedule date nights. Says that he'll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, yadda, yadda, yadda., swears never to do it again -- the thing is I don't know if I'm willing to give him the time it takes I'm no spring chicken. Have such a strong urge to get rid of him and try to start over again, though I'm told that it's hard, though not impossible.
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        12.11.11, 04:57 PM Flag
        
        np: Hey why don't you pretend to get pregnant again with all the pretend symptoms and see what he does
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        12.11.11, 05:08 PM Flag
        
        Ha ha! Good idea :-)
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        12.11.11, 05:10 PM Flag
        
        lol... fake bump the whole 9. this would be a great movie plot :P
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        12.11.11, 07:45 PM Flag
        
        I'm 40 and in the same boat.
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        12.11.11, 04:48 PM Flag
      - OK, that "explanation" is almost more disturbing than his behavior.
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        12.11.11, 04:28 PM Flag
  - I have heard other women's stories about how their dh's were jerks during their pregnancies. My dh also did some pretty awful things while I was pregnant and even during my labor. It's not right but just want you to know you aren't alone.
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    12.11.11, 04:11 PM Flag
    - I've heard similar also. WHY do they do this? Is it hormonal?
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      12.11.11, 04:19 PM Flag
      - Immaturity. It's not about them, they aren't the center of the universe, everyone is expecting them to act like a grown-up. Basically, it's like when you bring home a new baby and your 4 y/o starts wetting his bed. :-)
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        12.11.11, 04:22 PM Flag
        
        My DH started imitating the baby to get attention. Huge turn-on, let me tell you.
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        12.11.11, 04:33 PM Flag
    - OP: Tx!
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      12.11.11, 04:25 PM Flag
    - My DH told me he hated me during labor.
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      12.11.11, 04:30 PM Flag
      - Did u talk about it? Ask him why?
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        12.11.11, 04:34 PM Flag
        
        He was insulted because he felt sidelined by a labor nurse who asked him to stand back, and I asked that same nurse to take care of me after the trainee nurse gave me multiple hematomas failing to get an IV in.
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        12.11.11, 04:45 PM Flag
        
        Men.
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        12.11.11, 04:51 PM Flag
        
        I used to think I loved them. I am now so disillusioned that I think I might prefer the social stigma of raising a kid on my own.
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        12.11.11, 04:57 PM Flag
        
        I wish it was just the social stigma I had to contend with -- I think I could handle that. It's the finances, logistics (harder raising a child alone) that I worry about.
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        12.11.11, 05:05 PM Flag
        
        What is your situation? Finances, logistics, emotional support, where you live/work? Trying to figure out if I can make it on my own.
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        12.11.11, 05:59 PM Flag
        
        Sorry, but what is the social stigma around raising a child alone?
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        12.11.11, 06:53 PM Flag
        
        I feel like couples look at you funny depending on reasons for the split. I am pretty conservative on the inside though, so maybe I'm just sensitive to it. I try not to be judgmental towards others, but often feel judged.
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        12.11.11, 07:21 PM Flag
  - Insist he go to therapy to get to the bottom of this. That's really the only way you two can proceed with something solid.
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    12.11.11, 04:12 PM Flag
  - The good news is he has apologized and has changed behavior. Why not go to a therapist together to talk this over and give yourself a chance to fully heal?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 04:58 PM Flag
    - OP: Looking like therapy really might be the only option here, though I'm a bit skeptical if it will actually work...I'm so angry, and I go back and forth between wanting divorce and trying to make it work. Basically, I'm still so angry, I don't feel 100% committed to making it work, but not ready to jump into divorce as yet.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 05:09 PM Flag
      - NP I don't think you should divorce while you're angry. I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce. But find the forgiveness first - divorce is so extreme, especially once you have a kid, that you want to make sure you're making a rational choice. And you won't make a rational choice in anger. For YOUR sake, not for his - and for your kid's - you should make forgiving him a priority. I know it won't be easy - I'm not at all saying I think what he did was right.
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        12.11.11, 05:57 PM Flag
      - NP here. I really really think you should try therapy -- both couples and solo for each of you -- to figure out what YOU want. You can always get a divorce later on but you can't go back if you get a divorce and change your mind. Yes, I know people can remarry each other, but that's not really likely. Truly, 30 is really still young so that you have all your options open -- what if you gave yourself a set time period, like a year, and during that year went to therapy and kept an open mind, and if you still don't trust him after that, you can always leave?
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        12.11.11, 07:58 PM Flag
    - This. Finally, a sane response.
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      12.11.11, 05:10 PM Flag
    - How has he
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.11.11, 05:17 PM Flag
    - He is playing nice right now, which is not quite the same thing as changing his behavior.
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      12.11.11, 05:25 PM Flag
      - OR -- he has stepped up for the past year. I am not excusing his behavior at all but I am wondering why OP would not want to talk to someone about this -- even if she decides she can't be with this man any more. You think he's been "faking it" for a whole year? And why?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.11.11, 06:46 PM Flag
  - Before flaming please note that I am on op's side on this. However, could it be that he didn't really want to have a child and was resentful but now that db is there fell in love with child and regrets previous behavior. Just off the top of my head I can name four male friends who feel they were trapped and/or tricked into having a baby. For two of them I would say they might be right---the other two are just being ridiculous and need to grow up.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 05:00 PM Flag
    - OP: Tx for the thought....but actually, he really wanted a child. He's 10 years older than me and we were trying to conceive for a year.
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      12.11.11, 05:03 PM Flag
  - i don't see how a truly kind guy could suddenly start calling you a fat cow or doing those other things. you have very right to be angry. i would probably leave. who knows when that stuff will start up again?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 06:15 PM Flag
  - Caveman child here. Recovering from something like that is tough. Don't try to forget his conduct. Be Zen about your anger - feel it, acknowledge it, and try not to let it run your life. As to therapy, my sense is that you don't have a couples/communication problem. He could benefit from some solo therapy work, but don't try to force him into it.
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    12.11.11, 06:42 PM Flag
  - Lol...yeah he's lucky he's still alive. Other than that--hire a divorce attn'y.
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    12.11.11, 06:48 PM Flag
  - He needs a shrink. So do you.
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    12.11.11, 07:18 PM Flag
  - he was jealous and scared. if you are staying, get over it
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    12.11.11, 07:35 PM Flag
  - Wow - what was it? Fear of the responsibility? I've never heard of something this extreme, and I can see why you still feel hurt. The only thing I can suggest is really think hard about whether or not you want the marriage to continue, for your sake or for your DC, and if so, you'll have to find a way to move on... believe in who he is now, not who he was then. And counseling wouldn't hurt (couples).
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 07:47 PM Flag
  - I agree with the marriage counseling comment. You guys need to hash it out with an unbiased person.
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    12.11.11, 08:13 PM Flag
  - The most likely time for a woman to be killed by her partner is when she's pregnant. OB's are taught to look for and ask about abuse (although that is partially because pregnancy may be the only time an abuse victim is allowed to go to the doctor). I don't know the reasons behind it, I remember hearing all this in a lecture about domestic violence in college. But I bet someone knows why, or at least has a theory.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.11.11, 11:29 PM Flag
[+] DF is pregnant with her first she has the worst morning sickness I've ever seen. Her ... 8 replies
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 10, 2011
- DF is pregnant with her first she has the worst morning sickness I've ever seen. Her OB sent her to the ER for fear of dehydration (she's fine) but still puking. I'd love to get her something to help but I don't know what would. Anyone BTDT? TIA
  8 replies
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  General Topics
  12.10.11, 08:10 AM Flag ]
  - gift basket with ginger snaps, gatorade, lemon drops, comfy pjs etc
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.10.11, 08:13 AM Flag
    - variation, a ginger gift basket with ginger tea, candied ginger, ginger chews, ginger ale.
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      12.10.11, 08:16 AM Flag
  - This was me. Is OB prescibing anything? If it continues past first trimester tell her to be test for OB Cholestasis. In the meantime, try anuthing.. saltines, seabands. For me ginger made it worse.. all i could get down was bread.
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    12.10.11, 08:22 AM Flag
    - Yes, this is after zofran. Like I said the worst I've ever seen. Luckily the baby's fine, so is she just miserable.
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      12.10.11, 08:31 AM Flag
      - Poor thing. What week is she in? I think everyone is different but for me it was saltines and soda (not Ginger Ale but Cherry Coke!). I tried the seabands I don't think they did much but it was worth a try. It never went away but gradually got less frequent.
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        12.10.11, 08:35 AM Flag
  - anything ginger? how about something unrelated like a pregnancy massage? I can't imagine since I had none which caused anxiety in itself - I thought there was something wrong bc I never got any nausea.
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    12.10.11, 08:27 AM Flag
  - I had that unfortunately there is nothing you can do, unless you can afford to gift her a maid 1x a week. You can never clean when you are that sick.
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    12.10.11, 08:54 AM Flag
    - that's a very good idea. I didn't clean my entire pregnancy. couldn't
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      12.10.11, 09:22 AM Flag
[+] Argument with long-distance BF last night. Just a bad conversation all-around (over S... 33 replies
- How old are you? You're acting like a love sick 17 year old. I'll play psychic mom here: You will sabotage this relationship with your crazy....
- Update on this - he called this morning and everything had blown over. He apologized and so did I. Phew! First fight under our belt. Thanks everyone for thoughts...
Talk :
- New York City
: December 09, 2011
- Argument with long-distance BF last night. Just a bad conversation all-around (over Skype). Didn't hear from him today. Should I reach out this weekend or let him have his space and then come to me when he is ready? This is our first fight. Been together 2 months.
  33 replies
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  New York City
  12.09.11, 06:20 PM Flag ]
  - space.
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    12.09.11, 06:21 PM Flag
    - +1
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      12.09.11, 06:23 PM Flag
    - Def, space.
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      12.09.11, 06:26 PM Flag
      - OP well i guess it's unanimous! ha. i am just so sad. distance makes this work. but i am also still angry with him. but i still miss him. blahhhhh. ok i will not reach out and i will wait. he is supposed to come visit me over the christmas holiday and im hoping he doesn't cancel the trip and break up with me over this :(
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.09.11, 06:34 PM Flag
        
        what was the argument about?
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        12.09.11, 06:35 PM Flag
        
        what happened? what was the fight over?
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        12.09.11, 06:35 PM Flag
        
        i was about to ask his advice about something. I told him i did something stupid. he jokingly said "eh, you're a girl, all girls do stupid things!" and laughed. however i perceived it as sexist. i told him i didnt find it funny and in fact i really hated those kind of comments. he said the dreaded "i think you're overreacting, i was just joking, can't we just move on?" and then i got mad that he said i was overreacting. the conversation escalated and then never really recovered from that. he said let's talk tomorrow (today) and I haven't heard from him.
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        12.09.11, 06:48 PM Flag
        
        he sounds like a peach
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        12.09.11, 06:50 PM Flag
        
        Sorry, but he sounds kinda lame. Look for a new b/f?
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        12.09.11, 06:52 PM Flag
        
        He's actually a really amazing person. It might have been cultural...he jokes sarcastically a lot and 99% of it I find hilarious. There are a few times I dont find it funny and this is one of them. His stupid comment belies how caring, loving, and attentive he really is.
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        12.09.11, 06:54 PM Flag
        
        ^^^but I still didn't want to let him get away with what he said. Cause it was annoying! I just don't think it's worth ending a whole relationship over.
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        12.09.11, 06:56 PM Flag
        
        Where's he from if you say "it might have been cultural"? Not being snarky, I do know of a few places where men have this type of attitude
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        12.09.11, 07:34 PM Flag
        
        Oh...ha...no not like actually thinking this about women...just the sense of humor being cultural. He's British!
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        12.09.11, 07:37 PM Flag
        
        Np: i get it, the brit misogyny thing. I think it's a reflex. But his dismissing/silencing you is a serious problem. He doesn't respect you. Or, he does get what you're saying but is incapable of circling back and admitting when he's been a jerk. Neither possibility bode well for marriage.
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        12.09.11, 08:03 PM Flag
        
        OP Im starting to question myself now...got so many responses that basically told me I'm the ass, and a childish, overly sensitive one at that. I take it you know some Brits? Is it a cultural thing?
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        12.09.11, 08:09 PM Flag
        
        That's pretty harsh to paint the entire male population of a nation as misogynists. If anything, the fault lies with OP for failing to recognize a joke/deliberately picking multiple fights. I'm not surprised he didn't call back. Who needs that cr*p?
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        12.09.11, 08:10 PM Flag
        
        OP Look - we have only been dating a couple months. We do trans-Atlantic long distance. Relying solely on skype and text is difficult. I have not seen him in 3 weeks and it will be another 2 before I do. Cut me some slack!
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        12.09.11, 08:22 PM Flag
        
        ^^^and the reason I bring up the length of time we've been dating and the amount of time we spend apart, is that I'm still getting to know him! It's not like we are married and I exactly know his sense of humor and he knows mine. How am I to know if he really believes those things or not? I'm still learning about him
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        12.09.11, 08:24 PM Flag
        
        Np above: of course I'm generalizing, stereotyping but IMO a significant misogynist strain in British culture, pops out in men. Christopher Hitchens to football hooligans. Comments like that are more normal, as is drunkenness, and fighting. (A big guy needs to be careful where ge goes out, someone will try to pick a fight.)
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        12.10.11, 05:31 AM Flag
  - Please just chill. You are overemotional and acting like a 'girl,' and no one wants to deal with that. You should stop indulging your little girl side and start behaving the same way you would if you were hanging out with friends. Would you ever get pissed at a friend who said something like that? And if you did, how long would you expect to remain friends?
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    12.09.11, 07:00 PM Flag
    - I think you should call him and tell him that you shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it...because you have your period. Then say, "just kidding. I didn't like what you said, but I know you were just teasing. Let's just forget it and move on. So where do you want to go eat when you visit?"
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      12.09.11, 07:03 PM Flag
      - not wait for him to contact me?
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        12.09.11, 07:08 PM Flag
        
        he made a joke that you knew was a joke and you decided for some reason to blow it out of proportion and take it seriously. For no real reason other than to test him. No one wants to be tested. It's annoying and childish. If you want to be an adult in an adult relationship, just call him and stop playing games. Unless you would rather 'win.' What's more important to you?
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        12.09.11, 07:13 PM Flag
        
        I really wasn't testing him. In that moment, it did upset me. But what upset me more was the "stop overreacting" comment. I'm just sensitive to that comment in particular.
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        12.09.11, 07:19 PM Flag
        
        Sorry, but it sounds like you're just sensitive. He's going to get tired of it...
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        12.09.11, 07:37 PM Flag
        
        I am actually sensitive. I know that about myself. It's both a negative and a positive. The negatives are obvious in this kind of situation....but it also allows me to be a really empathetic, loving, perceptive person, too.
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        12.09.11, 07:50 PM Flag
  - How old are you? You're acting like a love sick 17 year old. I'll play psychic mom here: You will sabotage this relationship with your crazy.
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    12.09.11, 07:57 PM Flag
  - I agree with many and think you definitely over-reacted. We need to pick our battles wisely and this one was silly. I wouldnt blame it on your period as a pp had said. Maybe it was the full moon! :) Just apologize for flipping out and move on with the conversation.
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    12.09.11, 07:59 PM Flag
  - He said he'd reach out to you, let him. Don't be pathetic.
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    12.09.11, 08:07 PM Flag
  - yeah sorry you don't want to hear it, but give him space- let him contact you next. will suck for you, but be better in the end. btw people who are saying "dump him" or find a new bf... overreacting! if he's a nice guy overall I'd just chalk this one up as a lost in translation thing. as long as he respects you IRL and doesn't trot out the "you're so emtional blah blah" schtick every time you argue. Distract yourself, peace out off UB and try to have a nice weekend. Things will blow over. cheers
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    12.09.11, 10:41 PM Flag
    - I'd called his reaction a red flag, but this is more reasonable answer.
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      12.10.11, 05:34 AM Flag
  - My DH makes comments like this frequently just to annoying me and get me worked up and he's not sexist at all - I just come up with something back. He's totally joking and ITA you need to chill. Come up with something whitty to say back if it really irritates you like 'Yeah you're right. Maybe I'll just ask one of my friends though. You are probably too busy watching silly men chase a pigskin ball around and tackle each other to get said ball to really focus on advice anyway'
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    12.10.11, 03:27 AM Flag
  - Update on this - he called this morning and everything had blown over. He apologized and so did I. Phew! First fight under our belt. Thanks everyone for thoughts and advice, even if I didnt take all of it lol
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.10.11, 11:41 PM Flag
[+] What would you offer a nanny to take care of 2 dcs, 5 and 2, the older one in K until... 21 replies
- Can't she start later on the mornings younger DVD has school. Fewer hours =less $$...
- NP Or maybe if she would be okay cooking? Again, have to ask up front. I do think two kids (they will have days off, school closings, sick days, etc. all the time) you need to offer $14 or more....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 09, 2011
- What would you offer a nanny to take care of 2 dcs, 5 and 2, the older one in K until 3pm, younger in school 2 mornings/wk? Hours 8 to 5.
  21 replies
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  12.09.11, 10:52 AM Flag ]
  - In NYC? $14-$15
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    12.09.11, 10:52 AM Flag
    - yes, in Manhattan. Want someone with good experience and a reasonable command of English; doesn't need fancy degrees or anything.
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      12.09.11, 10:55 AM Flag
    - But that is over a hundred dollars a day!
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      12.09.11, 10:57 AM Flag
      - wow-should have calculated the cost-children are expensive.
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        12.09.11, 11:00 AM Flag
        
        I'm just curious how much did you think babysitting cost?
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        12.09.11, 11:17 AM Flag
      - Eh, yes. Childcare is expensive. What did you think this was going to cost?
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        12.09.11, 11:05 AM Flag
      - Why don't you do after school care for the 5 yo and Day Care for the 2 yo?
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        12.09.11, 11:13 AM Flag
        
        2 yo is in the preschool he'll be going to 5 days next year. I don't want to yank him out midyear for daycare. Plus, very few daycares with immediate availability.
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        12.09.11, 11:16 AM Flag
  - If this helps, I'm a nanny watching 3 dcs. I work 11am-7pm M-F and I make $23/hr.
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    12.09.11, 11:00 AM Flag
    - ^^^I also tutor, teach piano, and do grocery shopping.
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      12.09.11, 11:00 AM Flag
      - we can't afford anything near that! but you clearly have a degree & music skills...
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        12.09.11, 11:13 AM Flag
        
        Most full time nannies in NYC will want to take home $500-550/wk+. That's $12.50-13.75/hour. You can probably find someone ok (not great) for that.
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        12.09.11, 11:17 AM Flag
        
        op: I was thinking I'd offer $15 with a raise to $15.5 after six months of good performance.
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        12.09.11, 11:31 AM Flag
        
        $15/hour that is!
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        12.09.11, 11:32 AM Flag
        
        Nanny here: you can absolutely find what you're looking for at that price.
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        12.09.11, 05:41 PM Flag
  - $13-14/hour, but I'd ask upfront that during the hours younger one is also in school she do some stuff around the house like groceries (put away fresh direct delivery) or laundry or housekeeping.
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    12.09.11, 11:00 AM Flag
    - ditto. There are a lot of loving, capable nannies who wouldn't mind light house keeping. But ask upfront, so no bad feelings later.
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      12.09.11, 11:20 AM Flag
    - NP Or maybe if she would be okay cooking? Again, have to ask up front. I do think two kids (they will have days off, school closings, sick days, etc. all the time) you need to offer $14 or more.
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      12.09.11, 11:23 AM Flag
      - ^^My PT nanny gets $16/hr (one kid in 1st grade) not in city
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        12.09.11, 11:23 AM Flag
  - Can't she start later on the mornings younger DVD has school. Fewer hours =less $$
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    12.09.11, 11:21 AM Flag
    - IDK, PT rates are also higher than FT rates.
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      12.09.11, 11:22 AM Flag
[+] Omg, tonight we were reading a book that mentioned slaves. Tried to explain the conce... 39 replies
- Nanny here: I know this isn't the issue but I think most small children equate work with being away. This morning DC told me mommy was at work (true ) daddy was at work (he's out of the country visiting a sick relative ) I told her I was at work and she thought that was the funniest thing she ever heard. Her mother 's reported DC told her I was...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 08, 2011
- Omg, tonight we were reading a book that mentioned slaves. Tried to explain the concept to you 4yo dd bevause she asked. She goes, "Oh like a mom, except with money?" And I said no...more like this. "Oh like, Maria? (our housekeeper) I said no...."Oh I saw kids doing those jobs..."then I said and slaves doesn't really exist anymore. Ugh...I f'd that one up big time. If she asks again what do I say? I basically said when a person was untreated fairly and had to do work like tending the garden, cleaning the house, etc but they didn't get paid and they weren't allowed to leave their job.
  39 replies
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  12.08.11, 09:43 PM Flag ]
  - I would say that it was like they were in jail.
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    12.08.11, 09:47 PM Flag
    - but hadn't done anything wrong
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      12.08.11, 09:48 PM Flag
      - I wouldn't try to explain the injustice of it beyond saying that it was a very bad thing
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        12.08.11, 09:49 PM Flag
    - In jail, have to work. Too young to bring in race, right? She'd prob go back to thinking of the housekeeper if I bring up race. I'm a history professor, but teaching it to a 4 yo is tough.
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      12.08.11, 09:50 PM Flag
      - I would explain that it's not like anything else. It was horrible and she doesn't know anyone who comes close to being a slave.
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        12.08.11, 10:43 PM Flag
        
        i think something that helps explain it is to talk about it over a broader historical context. so, you can talk about how when the ancient romans took over a country, they would make the people into slaves as an example. sometimes we get caught up in the us view and think that a slave has to be a black person, taken from africa and made to pick cotton. unfortunately, it's got a much longer history than that. it helps take race out of it and focuses the discussion on the concept of a person as a posession.
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        12.09.11, 06:24 AM Flag
      - np I told DD that people with darker skin were made to be slaves and it wasn
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        12.09.11, 06:36 AM Flag
        
        ^^wasn't/ISN'T fair to treat people differently because of how they look. She got it. Maybe you are overthinking because you are a history professor?
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        12.09.11, 06:38 AM Flag
        
        sigh. dark skin does not equal slave. you did not help your daughter.
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        12.09.11, 06:41 AM Flag
        
        In the United States, it did. It's a huge chapter of our history. Can't you start locally with a damn FOUR year old?
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        12.09.11, 07:23 AM Flag
        
        np. This annoys me to no end. Why can't you just say a slave is someone forced to work against his/her will. A girl in my dd's class told her she feels bad when she sees my dd (who is black) because it reminds her of what white people did to black people. I hope your dd can learn about black people before learning about the enslavement of AA people.
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        12.09.11, 08:09 AM Flag
      - yes, 4 yo white kids should not know what race is. keep them unaware of their privilege for as long as possible.
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        12.09.11, 07:04 AM Flag
    - ^^ good answer
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      12.08.11, 10:16 PM Flag
  - they had to work. someone bought/owned them. your housekeeper has a choice. and you have to treat her like she has a choice.
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    12.08.11, 10:21 PM Flag
    - I emphasized that Maria wasn't a slave because we pay her (which I didn't like saying to my 4 yo) but also because she gets to go home and see her family every night and weekends, etc.
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      12.09.11, 05:52 AM Flag
      - np And also, she chooses to come work for you just like you chose your job. She can quit anytime, etc. I'm sure your DD understands you are a not a slave so just tell her this is Maria's job. I think we're so uncomfortable with the idea of domestic stuff as PAID WORD and I don
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        12.09.11, 06:40 AM Flag
  - She's still too young. Be thankful she doesn't know the impact of what this means.
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    12.09.11, 12:33 AM Flag
    - Agreed.
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      12.09.11, 06:19 AM Flag
  - holy shit! this is hilarious! Your daughter sounds pretty smart and adorable.
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    12.09.11, 05:34 AM Flag
    - She was trying really hard to figure this one out! She's curious, especially with vocabulary!
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      12.09.11, 05:53 AM Flag
  - In our pre school they learn about MLK and the time when ppl were treated differently bc their appearance . They
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    12.09.11, 05:50 AM Flag
  - Explain that slaves were like a piece of property (ie, the concept of chattel). They were like horses or dogs or a piece of furniture. The slave owner could do whatever it wanted to the slave: take good care of it, make it work in the field, beat it, even kill it. Then ask whether that type of a system makes sense to the child. Ask whether the child would like to be a slave. How would you feel if you were somebody's slave? Etc.
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    12.09.11, 05:56 AM Flag
  - There are plenty of modern day slaves. And slavery is practiced out in the open in the African nation of Muritania. And the interior of Brazil is full of people who were conned into going to work and then driven 400 miles away from the nearest town and forced to work to pay pack all the "debts" then incur for transportation, food, shelter. Women and children are held as sexual slaves. And some rich people think it's cheaper to get an illegal immigrant woman or child to work in their homes as a domestic with no pay and no freedom. Happens all over, even in NYC.
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    12.09.11, 06:02 AM Flag
    - 4 yo doesn't need to know any of these things!
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      12.09.11, 06:04 AM Flag
    - ^^^But in answer to your question about how to explain slavery to a 4yo, I would say that slave owners did not look at some people as human beings but as something more like animals or property (cows and tractors) that could be bought and sold and used. A slave was a person who had no freedom. You are not a slave to your family because you made the choice to have kids and to love them and you do things for them out of love and devotion, not because anyone is making you. Maria works for your family because she likes to take care of a home and she chooses to come to work every day. If Maria makes the decision that she wants to move to California and find another house to take care of, she has every right to go, even though you'd be sad.
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      12.09.11, 06:08 AM Flag
      - Why would you feel uncomfortable saying you pay your housekeeper? Doesn't he know what a job is?
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        12.09.11, 06:12 AM Flag
        
        I don't want my kids to know I pay their nanny. I just think it is weird to know people only spend time with you because your parents pay them.
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        12.09.11, 06:14 AM Flag
        
        Well then it'll be hard to explain the idea of slavery without discussing wages.
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        12.09.11, 06:22 AM Flag
        
        I grew up with nannies, butlers and all kinds of staff, and I was perfectly fine with the fact that they were getting paid.
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        12.09.11, 07:58 AM Flag
      - Your four-year-olds must be awfully smart to take all of this in.
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        12.09.11, 06:20 AM Flag
  - I watched HP with 3 yo last night and I explained the people are very mean to Dobby and makes him to everything for nice. 3 yo proclaimed it "not nice"
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    12.09.11, 06:21 AM Flag
    - I think it's bizarre that you wouldn't want your child to know that you employ someone to take care of her. All kinds of people only spend time with children because they are paid. No reflection on your child. I assume she knows the concept of paid work vs free time.
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      12.09.11, 06:28 AM Flag
      - Nanny here: I know this isn't the issue but I think most small children equate work with being away. This morning DC told me mommy was at work (true ) daddy was at work (he's out of the country visiting a sick relative ) I told her I was at work and she thought that was the funniest thing she ever heard. Her mother 's reported DC told her I was at work on the weekend. When I was little I thought my mother worked at a subway station because that's where. She went after she left for work. PS when I tell DC itsmy job to play with them I tell them it's a great job
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        12.09.11, 09:50 AM Flag
  - this is a TOTAL cnet post. It touches on all kinds of racism (both black and to that poor latino Maria housekeeper character)
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    12.09.11, 06:49 AM Flag
    - I don't understand how this post is racist towards black people? And BTW Maria is my cleaner's name LOL.
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      12.09.11, 06:51 AM Flag
      - because only a white person can have so much conflict explaining something so basic: There was a time that some people treat blacks very mean, just because they were different color; they made them work and they were not allow to vote, or marry or play or whatever without the permission. And all that based on the color of the skin. No need to bring money or anything on the picture. the main problem with slavery was no about work. And that's about it for 4 y.o. The whole discourse about modern day slavery is way too much. You just want the basic equality and fairness principle to stick.
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        12.09.11, 07:02 AM Flag
  - You might read your child the picture book Minty by Alan Schroeder, illustrated by the wonderful Jerry Pinkney. It's a depiction of Harriet Tubman as a child. When she's a little older you can expand by reading her the wonderful books (and showing her the Disney made-for-TV movie) on Ruby Bridges (the first grader who desegregated New Orleans public schools). Ruby Bridges visits schools as an adult now and participates in discussions of racism.
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    12.09.11, 07:29 AM Flag
  - A slave is someone who is made to work against their will and they don't get compensated (or paid). It is not like a mom, because she does the work because she wants to. It is not like Maria because Maria chose to be a housekeeper and she gets paid.
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    12.09.11, 07:55 AM Flag
  - the point about slavery is that the slaves were owned -- they were property and had no control over their lives. it may be to harsh for a 4 y.o., but the point that salve children were sold away from their families might get the point across. and i woul not shy away from race.
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    12.09.11, 08:00 AM Flag
[+] How do you handle sick days with your nanny? We've always never given a set amount--i... 27 replies
- a new employment policy, which maxes out paid sick days at a number you choose....
- month or so, then she called in sick this morning again....
- Instead, set expectations about what qualifies as a sick day for your nanny position. 99*? 100*? A...may not have noticed that she was getting sick, because some people can hide it really well....this nanny frequently misses days because she's sick, because she has family emergencies, or for any...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 08, 2011
- How do you handle sick days with your nanny? We've always never given a set amount--if you're sick, you're sick. Had two different nannies over 3 year period, never had one take a sick day. New nanny has been with us less than 6 months, and took her 5th sick day today. This seems crazy. It's really disruptive, she doesn't tell us until the morning on the day of. Feel like we're finally getting on really well with her though, and I don't want to switch, but this is crazy. We've already spoken to her once about attendance issues. WWYD?
  27 replies
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  12.08.11, 07:45 AM Flag ]
  - OP--sorry for double post. Site crashed.
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    12.08.11, 07:46 AM Flag
  - I agree this seems excessive but you can't really expect advanced notice for a sick day. You wake up in the morning sick.
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    12.08.11, 07:47 AM Flag
    - Yeah but how sick do you have to be to call in sick? I never call in sick. Five times in 6 months is nuts. I now have to use all of my sick days for her sick days.
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      12.08.11, 07:51 AM Flag
      - Would you want someone with a fever taking care of your child, and possibly infecting him or her?
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        12.08.11, 07:53 AM Flag
        
        we really think the nanny has had a fever five separate times in 6 mo?
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        12.08.11, 07:56 AM Flag
        
        np: if she has, she should see a doc.
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        12.08.11, 07:58 AM Flag
        
        Ding ding ding. I think this is the problem. A vastly different work ethic than I have, and that I'm used to with other nannies.
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        12.08.11, 07:59 AM Flag
        
        Also FWIW, she's in her mid-20's.
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        12.08.11, 08:00 AM Flag
        
        nnp she didn't say 5 separate times, she said 5 days. the other four could have been all one illness, or 2, not necessarily 4 separate incidents.
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        12.08.11, 08:00 AM Flag
        
        Sorry, to clarify, 5 separate times in less than 6 months. Five separate illnesses, on five separate dates.
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        12.08.11, 08:01 AM Flag
        
        Happens all the time everywhere. If you don;t like her, really, let her go.
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        12.08.11, 08:03 AM Flag
        
        I DO like her, that's the problem. I don't want to start over with someone new. I just feel like this can't be normal. Every nanny I've had before has just "got it". That in order for them to have a job, I need to keep my job, which requires them to show up. Have I just been really lucky in the past, or is this normal??
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        12.08.11, 08:08 AM Flag
        
        If you like her work with her on this. It;s not rocket science. SHe may get sick all the time. WHo knows? If you have doubts, communicate with her.
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        12.08.11, 08:10 AM Flag
        
        I have. I had a talk with her a month ago about her attendance issues. It was fine for a month. Now she's sick again. Conveniently it's always on a Thursday as well (she doesn't come on Friday's). But I really, really can't face getting a new nanny right now. The kids love her. How do I get through to her?
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        12.08.11, 08:17 AM Flag
        
        np. Well if it's always before the weekend, some would think that means she is faking. However, in my experience, that generally means that she has fought through the week and held her sickness off as much as possible, in order to only miss Thursday rather than more days of the week. And you may not have noticed that she was getting sick, because some people can hide it really well.
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        12.08.11, 08:24 AM Flag
        
        That's a very nice way of looking at it. She is always complaining that she is sick. I think she does the worst of all worlds--comes in sick and infects everyone, then calls out sick on the last day of the week. My DH mentioned once that though she was coughing constantly while I was there, as soon as I left (she did not know he was there), the coughing stopped! I really just think it's a different work ethic. She's a different generation, and I don't know how to get through to her.
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        12.08.11, 08:37 AM Flag
        
        I don't think it's fair to her for you to keep judging her based on your former nannies. They were not people who got sick. Some people do. Instead, set expectations about what qualifies as a sick day for your nanny position. 99*? 100*? A cold, the flu?
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        12.08.11, 08:15 AM Flag
        
        I don't think it's a matter of OP being judgemental. She needs somebody to watch DC so she can go to work. If this nanny frequently misses days because she's sick, because she has family emergencies, or for any other reason then OP will have to have a backup plan or risk losing her own job. A different nanny who doesn't take so many days off might be a better option.
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        12.08.11, 08:40 AM Flag
      - And YOU represent everybody who holds a job, right? You do not agree that some peeople get sicker than others. You do not agree that some people are considerate enough and do not bring a hacking cough or a flu into the office.
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        12.08.11, 08:01 AM Flag
  - I'd tell her that unlimited sick days aren't working out--as of Jan 1 she has a new employment policy, which maxes out paid sick days at a number you choose.
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    12.08.11, 07:53 AM Flag
  - So you don't really believe that "if you're sick, you're sick"?
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    12.08.11, 07:58 AM Flag
    - np: I think the issue is she doesn't believe the nanny is really sick.
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      12.08.11, 07:59 AM Flag
    - I believe it, but I think we have diff definitions of what is "sick". She has also had attendance issues b/c she "overslept". That is totally unacceptable in my book, we discussed the issue, I told her it was not acceptable. Things were fine for a month or so, then she called in sick this morning again.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.08.11, 07:59 AM Flag
      - it sounds like it's time to tell her that she has 4 weeks to get it together before a performance review. then fire if you're not happy.
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        12.08.11, 08:02 AM Flag
      - The only definition that matters is her definition. If you disagree with that feel free and let her go.
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        12.08.11, 08:02 AM Flag
  - I don't think the issue of if the nanny is really sick or not, or what "sick" means is important. OP can't function with a nanny who will be out so often without notice. Time to look for a new nanny.
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    12.08.11, 08:04 AM Flag
  - Perhaps you should just be clear that you would prefer it if she would come in, even when she is sick. Many people err on the side of caution when it comes to infecting babies/children, so she may just think you would not want her to come when she's sick.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.08.11, 08:13 AM Flag
[+] How do you handle sick days with your nanny? We've always never given a set amount--i... 1 reply
- You should set a policy. 5 sick days per year, the rest counts against her vacation....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 08, 2011
- How do you handle sick days with your nanny? We've always never given a set amount--if you're sick, you're sick. Had two different nannies over 3 year period, never had one take a sick day. New nanny has been with us less than 6 months, and took her 5th sick day today. This seems crazy. It's really disruptive, she doesn't tell us until the morning on the day of. Feel like we're finally getting on really well with her though, and I don't want to switch, but this is crazy. We've already spoken to her once about attendance issues. WWYD?
  1 reply
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  12.08.11, 07:45 AM Flag ]
  - You should set a policy. 5 sick days per year, the rest counts against her vacation.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.08.11, 07:46 AM Flag
[+] So was at the boyfriends house last night who i havent seen in a while...going throug... 26 replies
- he sent me a text sunday morning maybe? he said spend the night drinking the Petron and then got sick and went to bed...until i saw the cups and that set it off all over again. Even when I asked this morning he said something to that effect, like uh oh here we go again, what is it. And...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 08, 2011
- So was at the boyfriends house last night who i havent seen in a while...going through some stuff in my life...there were 2 tequila glasses in his sink, one obviously had some lipgloss or something on it. i ask the boyfriend, was he with anyone while we were apart (not broken up) and he said NO where you? and i said dont throw that back in my face where you with someone? and he said no, i should win some prize for how honest i am. He's obviously full of shit. I sent him a text later and said, once you let me know who the person that was at your apt. drinking tequila with you, wearing lipstick, maybe we can move on...i doubt ill hear from him again.
  26 replies
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  General Topics
  12.08.11, 05:26 AM Flag ]
  - You're probably right
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    12.08.11, 05:43 AM Flag
    - i know- he's going to deny deny deny...i need to stand strong and move out of this relationship, so not healthy for me.
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      12.08.11, 05:47 AM Flag
  - i think you handled it well
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    12.08.11, 06:13 AM Flag
    - nothing more i can really do...im not even sad about it, i just have to make myself move on and stop listening to his bullshit.
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      12.08.11, 06:15 AM Flag
      - i agree with you. you know you deserve better
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        12.08.11, 06:16 AM Flag
        
        yes i do...thanks.
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        12.08.11, 06:17 AM Flag
  - Could it have been his sister, a non-romantic female friend, an m/s male friend with chapstic/lipbalm on, could there have been a couple over and one person had a beer not tequila.......lots of options.
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    12.08.11, 06:17 AM Flag
    - it "could have been a non-romantic female friend" but i doubt it, she has a husband and i dont think he would have her up to his apt. like that......he sent me a text sunday morning maybe? he said spend the night drinking the Petron and then got sick and went to bed..... There was no beer just the 2 shot glasses in the sink....im just really insecure about it.
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      12.08.11, 06:26 AM Flag
      - Who has a husband? And people often drink beer out of the bottle. You are crazy, he is well rid of you.
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        12.08.11, 06:32 AM Flag
        
        well thank you for that.
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        12.08.11, 06:44 AM Flag
        
        np: is that really necessary, angry mom?
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        12.08.11, 06:54 AM Flag
  - how long do you think these dirty glasses were sitting in his sink? Were you the second date of the night?
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    12.08.11, 06:22 AM Flag
    - no i wasnt the 2nd, he said he was drinking petron saturday night...so probably then.
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      12.08.11, 06:27 AM Flag
  - Why would he have left the glasses in the sink if he had something to hide?
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    12.08.11, 06:29 AM Flag
    - he's lazy and an idiot.
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      12.08.11, 06:30 AM Flag
      - np: move on. regardless of who left the lipgloss you shouldn't be with anyone you think of as lazy and an idiot
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        12.08.11, 06:31 AM Flag
        
        i know...he is very lazy, maybe not as much as an idiot. but i cant be in a relationship where i feel this insecure all the time...it's not good for either of us.
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        12.08.11, 06:32 AM Flag
        
        Are you always insecure or just this guy brings it out in you?
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        12.08.11, 06:39 AM Flag
        
        its him. we had a few incidents at the beginning of our relationship where he was dishonest and i found a weird text to his friend about something. he swore up and down that he would never cheat on me etc etc. but i admitted to him that i doubted i would ever feel really secure again, which he understood, but he vowed to make me feel like he could be the perfect boyfriend...and he has, until i saw the cups and that set it off all over again. Even when I asked this morning he said something to that effect, like uh oh here we go again, what is it. And i said just tell me the truth were you with someone the last few weeks when i wasnt here..
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        12.08.11, 06:43 AM Flag
        
        Ugh, well only you know how much you like this guy, and no guy is perfect but you deserve to have a supportive partner/best friend who is always going to be looking out for you and your best interests. New year new beginning maybe?
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        12.08.11, 06:50 AM Flag
        
        i hope so, thanks for your kind words.
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        12.08.11, 06:53 AM Flag
  - You have to realize he didn't even get a word in, right? you came to all these conclusions yourself. If I were him, especially if "not guilty", I'd never call you again.
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    12.08.11, 06:32 AM Flag
    - ill give him that in all fairness....if he felt like i was being suspicious and insecure and didnt want to deal, i would understand.
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      12.08.11, 06:39 AM Flag
  - you sound like a winner
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    12.08.11, 06:45 AM Flag
    - thank you both...ill certainly take that into consideration
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      12.08.11, 06:47 AM Flag
  - he's well rid of you.
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    12.08.11, 06:46 AM Flag
[+] Any other Moms dreading the upcoming break at all? SAHM here, and I said to an older ... 42 replies
- just happy we don't have to get up early and do the morning school rush...
- a moment's notice. Also new books and games. And don't be above "movie nights" (or mornings, or whenever they need to chill out). Plan some playdates. Go to Chuck E. Cheese....
- I usually love the first 5 days of a break and then get sick of it for the last 2....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 07, 2011
- Any other Moms dreading the upcoming break at all? SAHM here, and I said to an older woman that the break is not a break for me, and that I'm dreading it a little. She looked at me like I was odd, and said that when her kids were young, she loved having them with her on breaks, that they would do all kinds of things together. Made me wonder how other Moms feel about school breaks....
  42 replies
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  General Topics
  12.07.11, 09:52 AM Flag ]
  - just happy we don't have to get up early and do the morning school rush
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    12.07.11, 09:53 AM Flag
    - OK, but then what. My kids get stir crazy, esp the older one. They are only 3 & 5, so I don't like to drag them to all kinds of shows and such. I think we're looking at some loooong days!
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      12.07.11, 09:55 AM Flag
      - np Start getting lots of craft/art project ideas ready to pull out at a moment's notice. Also new books and games. And don't be above "movie nights" (or mornings, or whenever they need to chill out). Plan some playdates. Go to Chuck E. Cheese. Have an epic battle between all of their legos, transformers, and whatnot. Tea parties. Decorating for the holidays. Make cookies. Go for walks. Build a fort in the living room.
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        12.07.11, 10:00 AM Flag
        
        OP - yes, all good ideas. Thanks! I have been trying to schedule lots of play dates, but it has not been easy. People say "yeah", but then they don't follow through a lot. I ALWAYS have to initiate, and at times, beg (or at least it feels that way). So I'll go to the craft store...
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        12.07.11, 10:05 AM Flag
        
        :) Little kids have a lot of energy and short attention spans--no worries, we've all been there. I think a movie with popcorn inside a fort with lots of cozy pillows and blankets sounds really fun! Might have to use that one myself...
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        12.07.11, 10:20 AM Flag
  - i think that older moms sort of forget some of the bad parts of parenting. i like teh breaks now that my kids are older, but when i had preschoolers i would be exhausted at the end of every day.
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    12.07.11, 09:56 AM Flag
    - OP - totally. I was thinking that she must have her rose-colored memory glasses on. When I said, maybe when they're older the breaks are better, but she said no, they were even better when the kids were young because she had more control over what they were doing. Then I thought maybe her kids were super easygoing!
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      12.07.11, 09:58 AM Flag
      - i think she was blocking those days snowed in with a 2 and 4 y.o who are fighting and also decide not to nap. which are really hard days.
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        12.07.11, 10:00 AM Flag
        
        OP - yep. Has to be faulty memory :-) I know I will forget those, too. I have already forgotten most of the stuff I went through, and that was only a couple of years ago!
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        12.07.11, 10:02 AM Flag
        
        ^^forgotten most of the annoying stuff, that is. I keep a blog so I don't forget the good stuff, tho!
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        12.07.11, 10:03 AM Flag
      - What? The thought of meandering around museums, etc. with a few older kids sounds a lot less stressful than coordinating something for multiple small children.
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        12.07.11, 10:05 AM Flag
        
        OP - my thoughts exactly. And older kids can toilet themselves, don't get hungry every 2 hours... Maybe she was just being contrary. But her comments made me wonder.
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        12.07.11, 10:08 AM Flag
        
        i bet she meant older like HS age, when they just want to see thoer friends.
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        12.07.11, 10:08 AM Flag
        
        OP - Yeah, I can see how that might feel a little sad.
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        12.07.11, 10:13 AM Flag
  - She is probably remembering it with rose-colored glasses (as she should). Most moms I know will joke about counting down the days until school starts. I take time off work even though daycare is paid for, so obviously I do enjoy the break, but they will be daycare an unnecessary day or two so my husband and I can have a "date day". And he is putting them in on the days he is off but I can't get off work, with absolutely no guilt over it.
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    12.07.11, 09:56 AM Flag
    - OP - ha! I was writing the same thought as you. I guess we can't both be wrong ;-)
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      12.07.11, 10:00 AM Flag
      - ^re: "rose-colored glasses"
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        12.07.11, 10:01 AM Flag
    - My mother (now 61) always said her favorite sight of the fall was the bus coming over the hill to pick us up for the first day of school.
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      12.07.11, 10:03 AM Flag
      - OP - Heehee. I can relate. Love love love my kids, but I need a break! They get bored so easily, and I can't possibly keep them as productively and happily occupied as the school can.
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        12.07.11, 10:09 AM Flag
  - I'm SAHM home with 2.5 yo and 6 mo old every day. Just plan stuff, make sure there's structure to the day and you'll be fine.
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    12.07.11, 09:57 AM Flag
  - I get you - I WOH and having my 2 young kids alone is something that gives me anxiety - especially if I have anything else to get done. But you're kind of setting yourself up for a crappy week w/ your attitude. Plan an activity each day - museums, play dates, visit family, take a long walk, go look at the tree or ride the SI ferry.
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    12.07.11, 09:59 AM Flag
    - np:also, try to let go of being impatient. if your kids are taking forever to finish breakfast,OK! that is using up part of the day and they are doing something they want.
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      12.07.11, 10:02 AM Flag
    - OP - I would love nothing better than to spend time with friends and family. My family is SMALL, and they are also OLD. The few family members that live in the area (a couple of hours away) we have plans to see, but otherwise not. And it has been tough trying to set up play dates. I'm working on it.
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      12.07.11, 10:11 AM Flag
  - I have the week off and am not all that delighted about it! Have a four, two, and three-month old and don't consider spending the entire day with them relaxing. Love them to death but, come on!
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    12.07.11, 10:02 AM Flag
    - True true.
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      12.07.11, 10:12 AM Flag
  - WOHM here--A lot of the stress for me is getting childcare coverage for all the days school is closed, has early dismissal, etc. that don't always coincide with when I can get off from work.
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    12.07.11, 10:02 AM Flag
    - OP - I can imagine that would be a major concern. GL!
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      12.07.11, 10:14 AM Flag
  - Entirely different story in the summer. The winter with small kids is very tough, I find.
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    12.07.11, 10:04 AM Flag
    - Yes, and I hate to go out in cold weather. The summer for us was looooong, as my dd (the older one) didn't want camp this year. The kids play well together, but man, it was a challenge!
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      12.07.11, 10:15 AM Flag
  - I'm a sahm for a while now before I return to work and I totally look forward to the holiday schedule. No school is a biggie for me. Then we can do whatever they want, lots of arts, cooking together, decorating cookies etc. Mine are 2.5yo and 5yo and I must say my older DC is much more the type that wants to do what I plan... so that helps. We can also go out on walks to the park. Usually we are on such a tight schedule its a drag. I think sah is fun for me because I know it will come to an end soon and I will miss this time. So that is a big part. I couldn't sah all the time, emotionally, hence I woh.
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    12.07.11, 10:09 AM Flag
    - I can see looking forward to breaks more for those who WOH.
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      12.07.11, 10:24 AM Flag
  - Maybe she just really liked the younger stages. My favorite age is 0-2.
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    12.07.11, 10:15 AM Flag
    - OP - I found 0-1 to be tough. I nursed both for a year, which was very labor-intensive (esp with my first). Remember those days makes me not dread the break as much!
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      12.07.11, 10:22 AM Flag
  - I usually love the first 5 days of a break and then get sick of it for the last 2.
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    12.07.11, 10:16 AM Flag
    - My kids are home for 2 weeks! I agree, that one week I would not dread.
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      12.07.11, 10:24 AM Flag
  - DH took the week off so we'll all be together. It should be fun. We have a little getaway planned too.
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    12.07.11, 10:32 AM Flag
    - OP - That does sound nice! We don't have such plans (*sigh*).
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      12.07.11, 10:41 AM Flag
  - i kinda dread it and i kinda don't. it is not a break from being a mom, school is a break!
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    12.07.11, 10:39 AM Flag
    - My sentiments exactly! Maybe when I'm old, I will pine for the days, tho!
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      12.07.11, 10:42 AM Flag
      - I'm old and my DS is coming home from college in less than 3 weeks and I am very excited! But I felt the dread many of you are describing 12 years ago!
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        12.07.11, 11:00 AM Flag
  - Why do you stay home then? I thought it was to have such an influence on these kids. Surely it is not for your own selfish needs!
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    12.07.11, 02:18 PM Flag
  - can't wait.
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    12.07.11, 02:20 PM Flag
[+] HOW on earth to you keep db #2 from getting sick when #1 goes to class? It's only one... 6 replies
- You are exposed to the same germs as your kids and help boost their immune system. My second was sick a lot less than my first despite the older being in preschool 3 mornings a week with 16 kids. I have newborn #3 right now, both olders have had nasty colds and...born. They had runny noses the whole winter. Now that they're 2, they never seem to get sick, whereas my firstborn often got colds at that age....
Talk :
- New York City
: December 07, 2011
- HOW on earth to you keep db #2 from getting sick when #1 goes to class? It's only one hour per week, but still. Nurse at hospital said "if he get's sick at this point, it isn't a trip to the doctor, it's a trip to the hospital" and now my already germaphobe (I once threw purell out the window to a friend so she could purell before she came in the house immediately following the birth of #1. Sad, I know!) self is even more afraid.
  6 replies
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  New York City
  12.07.11, 09:51 AM Flag ]
  - it's difficult esp during the winter season. keep them apart or don't lget db#1 slobber on db#2.
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    12.07.11, 09:52 AM Flag
  - i kept baby in a sling, which usually stopped other people from touching her.
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    12.07.11, 09:52 AM Flag
  - Breastfeeding. You are exposed to the same germs as your kids and help boost their immune system. My second was sick a lot less than my first despite the older being in preschool 3 mornings a week with 16 kids. I have newborn #3 right now, both olders have had nasty colds and she is totally fine. I never use purell (don't own any) and we really just do basic handwashing (after toilet, when we come in from being out).
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    12.07.11, 10:01 AM Flag
  - You let your kids live OUTSIDE of the bubble. Exposure to germs will help their immune system to develop better. Generally speaking the less people who touch DB so young the better, but DB will survive.
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    12.07.11, 10:04 AM Flag
  - The human race has gone on--and people have had kids close in age. Just wash your 1st born's hand when s/he comes in each day. Keep somewhat at a distance if s/he ahs a cold.
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    12.07.11, 10:08 AM Flag
  - You can't. My oldest started preschool in the fall a month after my 2nd & 3rd children (twins) were born. They had runny noses the whole winter. Now that they're 2, they never seem to get sick, whereas my firstborn often got colds at that age.
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    12.07.11, 03:44 PM Flag
[+] DH has to be at work by 7 and I leave at 8am. Our nanny starts at 7am so I can get re... 85 replies
- nanny's hours so you have someone for the morning and someone for the afternoon/evening. The other option...milk was two gallons. Even he could survive the morning without daily calls....
- TV in the morning is a bad habit, we are not anti-tv but...extra if DD wakes up early, or is sick and doesn't nap at all....
- their MO. Walk around the UWS in the morning and you will find TONS of nannies pushing...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 07, 2011
- DH has to be at work by 7 and I leave at 8am. Our nanny starts at 7am so I can get ready for work while she watches DD. Nanny spends at least 30 minutes before I leave every morning talking to her husband or kids on the phone, while she has TV on for my DD. What should I do? I realize its an early start but we pay her from 7am, if I didnt have her start til 8am then Id probably have TV on too to distract DD so I could shower and dress. WWYD?
  85 replies
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  12.07.11, 04:59 AM Flag ]
  - Cut her a break. She arrives before her kids are awake and wants to get them ready for their day. It's not hurting anyone.
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    12.07.11, 05:03 AM Flag
    - Youre right, but her DCs are in their 20s so its not like they need a lot of attention. Mine cant fend for herself. The issue is that if I say something Im sure she'll just wait until I leave and then get on the phone again.
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      12.07.11, 05:22 AM Flag
    - How odd that you would post that it's completely acceptable for nanny to be on phone for 30 minutes when arriving to work. In no other job would this be acceptable. If there is an emergency, yes. If there is a question she needs to answer, that should take all of 5 minutes. I can imagine what my boss would say if I arrived and spent 1/2 hour calling him while I was on the computer working. Sure, I can claim that I can work and talk to my family at the same time, but it's not really acceptable in work life.
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      12.07.11, 07:58 AM Flag
      - I do this all the time in my job. So, please, don't generalize.
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        12.07.11, 09:04 AM Flag
        
        And your boss thinks that's cool? Sorry, most bosses don't approve of this.
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        12.07.11, 12:49 PM Flag
        
        yup. it's the work culture here. again, it may not be common but you cannot say that "NO other jobs".
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        12.07.11, 01:01 PM Flag
  - Just let her know you would prefer DD did not watch T.V. in the morning but I agree in cutting her some slack when it comes to the phone. DH and the kids will always have questions in the morning.
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    12.07.11, 05:21 AM Flag
    - np My dh is kind of declined in the common sense area (started out as an engineer), but even he can function in the morning on his own.
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      12.07.11, 05:28 AM Flag
      - No doubt, two idiots married to each other.
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        12.07.11, 05:32 AM Flag
      - LOL I just posted below about my DH, who is also an engineer.
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        12.07.11, 06:45 AM Flag
    - i think nanny is being unprofessional. you said if she came at 8am you would have tv on for dd but thats not that case she is there and should be attending to the child. how hard would it be to not allow your child to watch tv at that time? you could try that and more or less force her to pay attention to dc. a more direct route would be to tell nanny you prefer she make her phone calls/texts on her breaks (i.e. when child is napping or at nursery school). bottom line she is being paid to work for you from 7 am onwards and she knew this when she accepted the position. i have had nannies for several years -- i do not allow them to set their phones to make noise in my house.
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      12.07.11, 05:34 AM Flag
      - OP - Thank you for this voice of reason, this is my first nanny and I do like her overall, but this issue is making me nuts. I've already spoken to her about her being on the phone when she's pushing DD in stroller or cooking, her phone rings all day long. I do not have any issue with her being on the phone during his daily 2 hour nap or for an emergency but it's non stop.
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        12.07.11, 07:10 AM Flag
        
        NP: That's not right. She needs to pay attention to and interact with your child.
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        12.07.11, 08:40 AM Flag
        
        I think you know what the answer is and what you need to do. Being on the phone non-stop is a sign that she is routinely neglecting dd. Imagine what your dd is absorbing from this experience. And you know she won't change.
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        12.07.11, 12:35 PM Flag
    - Um, I have the least functional DH in the world, who never went to the post office by himself until he was 20 and thought a gallon of milk was two gallons. Even he could survive the morning without daily calls.
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      12.07.11, 06:44 AM Flag
  - That would bug me. I'd probably tell her we're cutting way back on dd's tv time and that she can't watch it in the morning. If she sticks her in the pack n play or crib or lets her wander unsupervised, you should look for a new nanny.
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    12.07.11, 05:30 AM Flag
    - this
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      12.07.11, 12:34 PM Flag
  - Give her something specific to do. She probablly thinks shes staying out of your way.
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    12.07.11, 05:32 AM Flag
    - LOL
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      12.07.11, 06:07 AM Flag
  - Do you really need her at 7am? Isn't her day simply too long? Until what time does she work in the evening? Maybe, you could compromise and ask her to come by 7:30am. That still leaves you plenty of time to get ready for work.
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    12.07.11, 05:45 AM Flag
    - This is actually an interesting proposal. If you'd have the child in front of the television, then the issue isn't really that she's watching TV, it's that you're paying somebody to do what you could easily do yourself. Either reduce hours or tack it onto the end of the day, where it's potentially more useful.
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      12.07.11, 05:59 AM Flag
      - OP - this would work for us some days, I'm on call in the mornings so never know when I'll get a phone call that could be 5 minutes or an hour, so I like to have the security of knowing that DD has someone to take care of her. DH is home by 5.30pm and nanny walks out the door then.
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        12.07.11, 07:19 AM Flag
    - LOL - this is ridiculous. Your nanny doesn't get to say what time she comes in, you get to say what time your nanny comes in. She should come in ready to work. If she doesn't like the time she has to get there, let her join the 10,000 other out of work nannies.
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      12.07.11, 09:38 AM Flag
  - I would talk to her if something she was doing was bothering me.
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    12.07.11, 05:50 AM Flag
    - +1
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      12.07.11, 05:57 AM Flag
  - I would tell her she needs to come in ready to work.
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    12.07.11, 05:54 AM Flag
  - If you are ok with TV then you don't need the nanny. Make her day start at 7:45. I would cut her hours, but no TV or phone when she gets there.
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    12.07.11, 05:58 AM Flag
    - I think no phone is a little Draconian.
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      12.07.11, 05:59 AM Flag
      - She can't stay off then phone at least while OP is still home? Can you imagine what goes on when OP leaves? Any nanny does more when the boss is around so things must only get worse thereafter.
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        12.07.11, 06:03 AM Flag
        
        Misunderstood - thought that this was a blanket directive.
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        12.07.11, 06:07 AM Flag
      - have to add that if she is talking on her phone in your presence what is she doing when you are at work? same thing talking on her phone and probably all day long. in scheme of things would it really kill her not to talk on the phone while you are there and child needs attention? nanny needs to have more clear priorities and unless you speak to her, she is not likely to change. do not fear your nanny -- she needs the money and the job and it's a matter of having a boss/employee relationship with her.
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        12.07.11, 06:05 AM Flag
        
        np You KNOW OP's nanny is on the phone all day long.
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        12.07.11, 06:36 AM Flag
        
        I agree. If she is behaving this way in-front of OP on every day basis, no amount of talking to her will help.
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        12.07.11, 06:40 AM Flag
        
        agree with this. this nanny sounds like a disaster. there are lots of good nannies out there who will work hard, not put your child in front of the TV, AND stay off the phone unless they are setting up a play date or need to be on for some important reason.
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        12.07.11, 09:40 AM Flag
  - How is the nanny otherwise? Do you have any reason to believe that this is just her morning ritual?
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    12.07.11, 06:04 AM Flag
    - OP - I think overall she is good, as a new mom it's hard to know. She is punctual, very loving, very experienced. She is a very social, chatty lady. She has two daughters who often come over to our home for lunch, one babysits for us on occasion. Overall, I like these qualities but I feel like she is very/too comfortable in our home and takes advantage of my good nature!
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      12.07.11, 07:21 AM Flag
      - It sounds like the employee/employer boundaries are not there.
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        12.07.11, 07:35 AM Flag
  - I would talk to her and ask her if 7am is too early for her to come in. If she says no then tell her it seems like it is because she is on the phone for 30 minutes in the morning and see what she says. If it's too long a day for her and/or she has a long commute and you need someone for that hour, I would hire a 2nd nanny and cut your existing nanny's hours so you have someone for the morning and someone for the afternoon/evening. The other option is to let someone live in (wouldn't work for her since she has a DH) which will reduce the length of the day since no commuting. If you are otherwise happy with her then you can also just let it go. She could be doing this all day and you just don't know because you are at work though.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 06:09 AM Flag
    - If I were to go to two nannies, what schedule would you recommend? She works a 10-11 hour day, with the 2 hour break when DD sleeps. Also if DH or I can get home early or take a Friday off, which happens at least once a week, we still pay her full salary so I feel like we treat her well. She agreed to the hours up front and her commute is only 20 minutes by subway. I think the issue is that she's chatty and likes to be in the middle of everything with her family.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 07:24 AM Flag
    - LOL 2 nannies. this is a circus. OP, please do not hire 2 nannies. If she can't show up at the time you need her and ready to work, she is not a good fit. Separately, if she needs to be told not to be on the phone and put your DD in front of the TV (AFTER she has already been talked to about the phone in another context), you need to move on. It is so silly that people are making excuses for this nanny and advising you to make special concessions for her.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 09:42 AM Flag
    - Sorry, no. 10.5 is not that uncommon for nannies and OP doesn't need two nannies for this.
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      12.07.11, 11:18 AM Flag
  - Frankly, I would question whether this nanny is the right fit for my family.
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    12.07.11, 06:15 AM Flag
  - Have her come at 8am & pay her less.
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    12.07.11, 06:24 AM Flag
  - If yo have one DD your nanny should rarely if ever have the tv on. Between this & personal phone use when you really need her I'd find a new nanny. Plenty of energetic nannies out there.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 06:25 AM Flag
  - is the issue the tv or the money?
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    12.07.11, 06:36 AM Flag
    - np: I think issue is not attending DC and being on phone. If dc needs to sit with TV then why a nanny is needed ?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 06:40 AM Flag
      - I think you should put a small piggy bank next to TV and then pay the morning hr salary to that piggy bank and tell nanny that it was TV who was babysitting for you so nanny can't get paid for that.
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        12.07.11, 06:42 AM Flag
      - arguably (or here) why is anyone needed. op admits herself it's probably what she would do. I think she should ask the nanny to turn off the tv. period.
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        12.07.11, 06:46 AM Flag
    - Does it matter? OP is willing to pay for the nanny to start at 7am. If she were happy with the TV, she would have the nanny start at 8am and turn on the TV, herself.
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      12.07.11, 06:50 AM Flag
  - What time does her day end? If she's working long hours (12 hours) maybe it's too much for her and you can start her later.
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    12.07.11, 06:42 AM Flag
    - Nanny gets a 2 hour break in the middle of the day when the child naps and nanny leaves at 5:30. It's a 10.5 hour day minus 2 hours for a nap. So, it's a 8.5 hour day.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 09:44 AM Flag
      - Bullshit - it's a 10.5 hour day. It's not like she can leave the apt and do her own thing while DD is napping. Nor do you pay her extra if DD wakes up early, or is sick and doesn't nap at all.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.07.11, 10:05 AM Flag
      - No, it's not. It's a 10.5 hour day. Which fine if that's what she agreed to, but during those 2 hours she's not sitting at home or doing what she pleases. She is, in fact, working.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.07.11, 10:55 AM Flag
        
        my nanny cleans, etc., so she is working while the child is napping. this one isn't even working while the child ISN'T napping. her day may not even be 8.5 hours LOL
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        12.07.11, 11:05 AM Flag
        
        Well that's a separate issue entirely. Yes, OP's nanny isn't working and doing her job. HOWEVER, her day is not 8.5 hours.
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        12.07.11, 11:20 AM Flag
        
        no, but she's being asked to be "on" for 8.5 hours.
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        12.07.11, 11:31 AM Flag
        
        She's being asked to be "on" for 10.5 hours. Unless you're telling me that she's free to go home and sit in her own house for those two hours.
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        12.07.11, 11:39 AM Flag
      - This logic always kills me.
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        12.07.11, 11:11 AM Flag
        
        the nanny gets paid for the hours that the kid is napping; the point is that her day is not so go-go-go that she needs a break when she walks in the door. PLUS, even if she is working hard while the kid is sleeping (which we all know she isn't because she doesn't even seem to work hard while the kid is awake), her day is 10.5 hours. that is not a long day. and hell if her day were 18 hours, if she signed up for the job, she should do it or quit.
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        12.07.11, 11:15 AM Flag
        
        No one is saying that 10.5 hours of even straight work work work is that unusual. However, the fact that she has a two hour break doesn't mean her day is 8.5 hours, since presumably she's "on call" for those two hours. Does your employer think you work only seven hours because you work 9 to 5?
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        12.07.11, 11:40 AM Flag
        
        again, she gets paid for the 2 hours. she has to work for 8.5 hours. are you saying that it's all the same to the nanny if the child doesn't take that 2 hour nap versus if the child does take that 2 hour nap. i can tell you, based on the way my nanny whined daily that she needed a break during her 10 hour day after my child stopped napping, that nannies cherish the time that the kids sleep.
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        12.07.11, 11:59 AM Flag
        
        I'm saying her day is not 8.5 hours. It's 10.5 hours because that's how long she is readily available to work for the OP.
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        12.07.11, 12:06 PM Flag
        
        so you're pointing out a technicality that has nothing to do with the spirit of the conversation? oh, ok. glad we use our time so wisely.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.07.11, 12:30 PM Flag
  - With traffic delays you'd want your nanny to come sometime earlier I'd think. If she's talking on the phone to her family it seems fair if you're putting her out by asking her to come earlier. I wouldn't worry too much about this. Or else unplug the tv and tell her it's broken.
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    12.07.11, 07:01 AM Flag
    - OP - This is why I wanted to get some perspective from other moms. I don't think it's fair to say that I'm putting her out, this is what she agreed to when she started, also we're very good to her generally. I'm not in a position to tell her to come any later because I'm on call and need to be available if my phone rings.
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      12.07.11, 07:32 AM Flag
    - Actually I gave up our TV all together and that helped. She cann't be on phone in your presence or absence if kids are not engaged in something interesting. Later on when I decided to have TV again I just put that in our bedroom with no cable connection ( I watch netfllix ).
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      12.07.11, 08:01 AM Flag
  - Look, this is easy-- you are paying her to start work @ 7am--it's none of anyone's business why you want her there @ 7- she should be watching your child and not jammering on the phone for half an hour-- she is your employee; if she doesn't understand this, then she should have told you she can't come in that early; g-d knows what she's doing when you're not there. I am so tired of hearing how everyone has a great nanny. I don't work a 9-5 job, so i see a lot of these women in action--talking to their friends, not paying attention to their charges and generally looking so miserable--it's rare to see a nanny who looks like they like their job--i understand it's a job and they are away from their own families, but really, they're not digging ditches, ok?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 07:34 AM Flag
  - TV in the morning is a bad habit, we are not anti-tv but it happens only in the evening for my kids. It is going to be hell getting your kids out the door when they are older if they get in this habit.
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    12.07.11, 07:36 AM Flag
  - I don't think anyone has asked how old the DD is? OP, the constantly-on-the-phone thing would drive me bananas. If she's constantly gabbing when you're there watching/hearing her, just imagine what it is like when you're NOT around? I'm a SAHM by choice so I interact with a LOT of nannies (at park, playground and playdates). The good ones aren't on their phones all the time. This woman's JOB is to watch your DD and engage with her, not plunk her in front of the TV. You yourself could plunk her in front of the TV to get ready for pete's sake!
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    12.07.11, 08:01 AM Flag
  - Not flaming, but do you really need a TV or nanny to entertain your kids? Can't your kids entertain themselves for a bit without a TV. I shower and dress and my kids just run around my bedroom. For new walkers the playpen for 10 minutes with some toys is fine.
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    12.07.11, 08:28 AM Flag
    - OP already explained that she's on call and may have to leave.
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      12.07.11, 08:34 AM Flag
  - Honestly, I would find a new nanny. She does that when you are there! What does she do when you are not there? When I interviewed nannies, some of them picked up their phones when we were talking. It was unreal! I found somebody great, eventually, and she would never behave that way.
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    12.07.11, 08:36 AM Flag
  - You need someone to show up at 7 am, so that's the job what's with people telling you to let her come later. Also, it's widely known among nannies that their employers don't like them talking on the phone during the work day unless they need to. Every nanny or babysitter I've ever had has at some point received a phone call and then apologized and made clear that they do not spend their time on the phone. They know it's an issue and not allowed. It sounds to me like your nanny is taking advantage of you. You should start looking for a new nanny. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but this is unacceptable and I can't imagine it not being a sign of a bigger problem. You say it's your first nanny. Every mom with a nanny goes through that and most of us look back and we can't believe what we put up with when we were on our first nanny. You fire one, hire a new one, know better what you want and that way you live and learn. You said that you already talked to her about the phone while pushing the kid and that her phone rings off the hook. Enough is enough. I swear one day you will look back in disbelief that you put up with this. Also nannies post on this board so some of these people telling you to cut her a break are probably nannies.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 08:44 AM Flag
    - Ps - lots of parents do not allow their nannies to show the kids tv, so the fact that she arrives and immediately turns on the tv is pretty near outrageous. To me, the picture you paint makes it pretty tough to reach any conclusion other than that you should find a new nanny and then fire her
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 08:47 AM Flag
  - That would make me wonder how unprofessional / what she does when I'm NOT around, if this is what she does when you ARE around. I would be very put off by this kind of disrespect/ work attitude.
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    12.07.11, 09:06 AM Flag
  - wow, this nanny sounds like she takes "entitled nanny" to a whole new level . . .
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    12.07.11, 09:47 AM Flag
  - That's not good. Most nannies world have the sense not to do that in front of their boss.
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    12.07.11, 09:47 AM Flag
  - Maybe this has been said before, but I'll just say it here. TV is only for emergencies. And phone conversations need to be at a minimum and not when they are out, on the road or otherwise in transition. If she is doing this in front of you, believe me she is always on the phone and/or showing the DCs TV. My first nanny was like this. I had several conversations about 'no TV please unless you really need it' but every time I came home suddenly and before my time, I found DC on the couch watching TV while she did something else. And then DC started to talk and telling me thing like 'we went to store' when I thought they went to the park. Turned out she was shopping with DC in the stroller a lot too. Some moms will flame but she is being paid to watch the kid, not show them TV, while they chat on the phone or go shopping. Emergencies are different... and emergency shopping happens 1x a week at most. But nannies rarely use this discretion properly if its not in their MO. Walk around the UWS in the morning and you will find TONS of nannies pushing kids in strollers while they browse the racks at fillene's basement or something while talking on the phone.
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    12.07.11, 10:30 AM Flag
    - moms won't flame; nannies will flame. this nanny should be fired. she is not putting the kid in danger, so the OP has time to look for a new nanny and when she finds a good one, she should let this nanny go. the story OP tells is just ridiculous.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.07.11, 10:58 AM Flag
  - It depends. My kids are kind of lounge around in the AM kind of kids - even when they were toddlers. They don't want to be actively engaged in something or to be read to or to play. At 7am, they really want some veg in front of the tv time and they'd be really cranky about having to do much else. Given that they always spent a ton of time outside at the playground and were both pretty engaged outside the apt most of the day, I had no issue with it either with me or the nanny. But if dc wants attention and is being ignored and settles for tv, then that's not okay.
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    12.07.11, 11:19 AM Flag
  - I see outrageous nanny employer posts all the time. This is not one of them. OP you are right to be upset. If you wanted dd to watch TV, you wouldn't have nanny there at 7. The fact that she turns on TV with you there means a) she doesn't know your stance on TV and thinks you don't mind or b) she doesn't care what you think and does her own thing or c) relationship is a little too casual. You need to reinforce your point about TV, at least in the am. As a SAHM with no nanny and no real break in the day, she should be able to get to 5pm without TV. We do TV in our house, but it's usually after 5pm when I'm counting down to DH getting home/or bedtime. lol!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 11:37 AM Flag
    - ^^^ I should add that I respect the fact that nannies have an important and tedious job and that watching someone else's job's got to be tougher than watching, playing with, caring for you own, but I think TV first thing is a problem.
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      12.07.11, 11:40 AM Flag
      - ^^^someone else's child.
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        12.07.11, 11:40 AM Flag
  - I would definitely object to this. She should not be on the phone with her family OR putting your child in front of the tv. She is a professional hired to do a job and that job is watching your daughter. I've never had a job in my career where I would go to work and spend my work time doing personal things. When I was at work, I worked. When I was on a lunch break, that's a different matter. She can call her husband when your child is napping. I let my nanny watch tv for a maximum of one hour a day with my daughter and that's to watch Sesame Street.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.07.11, 01:19 PM Flag
  - sit this woman down for a chat. start with all the positives you like about her. then tell her honestly how it disturbs you that she is on her phone as much as she is. it's beyond UNPROFESSIONAL. Say to her, we need to set some new ground rules regarding x,y and z. this is about the safety and security of your dd period the end and your most prized possession in the world.if she is yapping on her cell phone all the time and pushing the stroller how is it she doesnt walk into traffic? you have to see how truly bad this behavior is. it's not so uncommon for a pedestrian to be in the wrong when they are hit by a car. i see people all the time glued to Iphones/blackberries and crossing the street. if you do end up going with someone else, it's best to set up the rules during the interview. make a list of your top ten rules for your household. one of my rules is NO ringing cell phones in my home -- it's MY home after all. i do allow my nanny to text and quite frankly i think she abuses it but she's great in so many other ways. your child deserves to be cared for and paid attention to in a mindful way and that is what you are paying her for. it needs to stop, she is taking advantage of you and taking you for a sucker. it's up to you to stop it. you can do it!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.12.11, 06:42 AM Flag
[+] 5 weeks pregnant, just a couple of months after having a miscarriage.... soooo nervou... 16 replies
- sore breasts that seem to come and go. keep worrying that i dont "feel" pregnant enough but maybe its too early. had terrible morning sickness with db#1 but cant remember now when that started....
- miscarriages and the third one was a charm. I had a great pregnancy with no morning sickness, very little weight gain, and no other pregnancy related issues. GL!...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 06, 2011
- 5 weeks pregnant, just a couple of months after having a miscarriage.... soooo nervous things aren't going to work out again. dr did blood work for progesterone & hcg levels yesterday and just sitting here waiting for him to call with the results. dont really have a question just nervous and would love to hear stories about people who had easy pregnancies after miscarriages!
  16 replies
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  12.06.11, 11:45 AM Flag ]
  - Me! Had 3 early miscarriages, which they believe were chromosomal. I'm now 21 weeks along and feeling great! We just had the anatomy scan today, and the baby looks beautiful and healthy. How far along were you when you miscarried the last time?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:48 AM Flag
    - op: last time found out i was miscarrying when i went for my 8 week scan. there was nothing - the egg had fertilzed but never developed, or at least not enough to see. i went the natural route and waited 4 more weeks till it came out.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.06.11, 11:51 AM Flag
      - i am so sorry to hear that- i can't imagine what hell those 4 weeks must've been. i was 13 weeks when they told me my pregnancy had ended and had to wait 4 days for a d&c- it felt like an eternity.
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        12.06.11, 11:55 AM Flag
        
        op: so sorry you had to go through that, it must have been hard finding out that late in the first trimester.
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        12.06.11, 12:06 PM Flag
      - Ah, ok. Chances are that your loss was due to chromosomal issues, which do not increase your chances for miscarriage. GOOD LUCK!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.06.11, 11:56 AM Flag
  - Sister and Mom had 1 miscarriage each (first) and went on to have 2 & 3 healthy children/easy pregnancies.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:49 AM Flag
  - Had a chemical in between 1st and 2nd. Got pregnant right away with dd after mis. Good luck to you!
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    12.06.11, 11:50 AM Flag
  - can't share a story, just wanted to say i'm sending you good wishes...i had to terminate my last pregnancy for medical reasons, and am sitting here right now on a two week wait to find out if i'm pregnant again....very nervous- even if i am pregnant, i still will have concerns that things will go wrong again. i'm wishing you luck and hope everything works out ok this time!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:50 AM Flag
    - thanks so much!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.06.11, 11:54 AM Flag
  - I had a mc and then got pregnant 2 cycles later. Easy pregnancy the second time. GL!
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    12.06.11, 11:51 AM Flag
  - you are me. i mc'd in july and am now 5 wks pregnant. super nervous that there will be something wrong. i've already had two progesterone/hcg levels which look fine. i wont feel at ease until i see a heartbeat on the ultrasound which will be at the end of this month.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:59 AM Flag
    - op: that is literally exactly my situation - exact same dates! do you have much in the way of symptoms yet? some days i feel a bit nauseous and sore breasts that seem to come and go. keep worrying that i dont "feel" pregnant enough but maybe its too early. had terrible morning sickness with db#1 but cant remember now when that started.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.06.11, 12:04 PM Flag
    - op: forgot to also say good luck and best wishes to you this time around!!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.06.11, 12:05 PM Flag
  - me! had a miscarriage and 2weeks later was pregnant (didn't wait a cycle and never got a periord, just a positive pregnancy test on post miscarriage d28). DS is 3 now! i remember how nervous I was for the second pregnancy, I wouldn't let myself believe that it was going to be all right until I was well past the point that I had miscarried the first time. Hang in there, think positively, good luck!
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    12.06.11, 12:03 PM Flag
  - I had two back to back miscarriages and the third one was a charm. I had a great pregnancy with no morning sickness, very little weight gain, and no other pregnancy related issues. GL!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 12:09 PM Flag
  - I had two miscarriages and then had #2 and #3 after many challenging years of infertility issues. Hang in there!
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    12.06.11, 07:01 PM Flag
[+] When a DC's 2s head teacher is out (and there will be a sub), is it customary to get ... 18 replies
- also I like DC to be cautious with new people. Our car service called thIs morning too to say that'd it would be a different driver, but school just...the mornings are WAY too busy to be calling all of the parents just to tell them...a substitute. If the teacher is out for an extended amount of time, like a sick leave, I would expect notification from the school about how they will handle....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 06, 2011
- When a DC's 2s head teacher is out (and there will be a sub), is it customary to get a heads-up from the school? I feel a little odd that today the teacher was out and that DS walked in without warning to meet an unfamiliar person... especially because this school year started with teachers making home visits so kids would be comfortable.
  18 replies
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  12.06.11, 11:21 AM Flag ]
  - Doesn't he have assistant teachers/other people he's familar with?
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    12.06.11, 11:23 AM Flag
  - Do you really want a call from asministration at 7:30 every time there is a change in dc's class? Kids need to roll with the punches,that is a good way to learn.
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    12.06.11, 11:23 AM Flag
    - I agree... but an email would be fine, and also I like DC to be cautious with new people. Our car service called thIs morning too to say that'd it would be a different driver, but school just sprung it on him.
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      12.06.11, 11:30 AM Flag
      - Lady,stop hothousing this kid. You are creating a monster.
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        12.06.11, 11:31 AM Flag
        
        THis
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.06.11, 11:37 AM Flag
      - I have been trying to carry my DS to school in my uterus, but the school won't allow it.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.06.11, 11:42 AM Flag
        
        Those bastards.
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        12.06.11, 12:02 PM Flag
  - I used to work in daycare (so maybe less formal than what you're talking about, but similar)... the mornings are WAY too busy to be calling all of the parents just to tell them about a sub. I'm sorry, but that's just nuts.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:31 AM Flag
  - Nope. It's December lady. Your child will just have to deal.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:33 AM Flag
  - LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this a joke?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:35 AM Flag
  - I can hear the chopper blades ...
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    12.06.11, 11:39 AM Flag
    - Charlie on the wire!!incoming!!
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      12.06.11, 11:40 AM Flag
  - No there is no heads up unless the absence was going to be prolonged. Plus it's probably a good thing for your child to be flexible and be able to handle meeting an unfamiliar people.
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    12.06.11, 11:39 AM Flag
    - You are probably the same mom who complained when I had to suddenly take a week off to bury my mother. "I don't see why she needs a whole week,doesn't she have family to help?". No bitch,I don't.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.06.11, 11:44 AM Flag
    - But her child is just not ready to be flexible. He's just a little precious snowflake who will never ever get to grow up because his mother is just not ready for that.
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      12.06.11, 11:44 AM Flag
      - This is why I do not miss teaching ever. Loved the kids,the parents are a nightmare and getting worse.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.06.11, 11:48 AM Flag
  - I have never heard of a school that notifies parents when there will be a sub.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:52 AM Flag
  - this is really over the top. Of course you do not get a warning of a substitute. If the teacher is out for an extended amount of time, like a sick leave, I would expect notification from the school about how they will handle.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:56 AM Flag
[+] For those moms who have been pregnant with boy and girl, which pregnancy gave you the... 6 replies
- My first pregnancy with my son was smooth sailing. No morning sickness, limited heartburn, and my skin only broke out once. I had pretty bad sciatica. This pregnancy with my DD I had severe food...16 weeks, was tired, etc. throughout. My second pgcy was a breeze, hardly any morning sickness, very easy all the way to the end. Guess what? Two boys....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 06, 2011
- For those moms who have been pregnant with boy and girl, which pregnancy gave you the most symptoms, ie nausea?
  6 replies
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  12.06.11, 11:02 AM Flag ]
  - girl. there is truth to that old wives tale.
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    12.06.11, 11:04 AM Flag
    - Yikes. I have a boy and can't imagine being more nauseous than I was.
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      12.06.11, 11:06 AM Flag
  - My first pregnancy with my son was smooth sailing. No morning sickness, limited heartburn, and my skin only broke out once. I had pretty bad sciatica. This pregnancy with my DD I had severe food aversions in the first trimester but not nausea. I have a little bit of sciatic pain, but not enough to warrant acupuncture like the last time (I also weighed 8 lbs less at the beginning of the pregnancy). No heartburn yet (I'm 7 months along). Clear skin. Wavier hair.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:06 AM Flag
  - 2nd DC (girl) was easier, mostly, because I was less nervous and more distracted by a toddler.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:07 AM Flag
  - My first pgcy I was throwing up 5x a day till 16 weeks, was tired, etc. throughout. My second pgcy was a breeze, hardly any morning sickness, very easy all the way to the end. Guess what? Two boys.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 11:09 AM Flag
  - Currently pregnant with boy and have had more nausea this time. Girl was a total breeze.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.06.11, 12:42 PM Flag
[+] urgggg! my DS is complaining of a headache and stomach ache and he has a school inter... 8 replies
- Your instincts are right don't send him if he's sick, you'll just look like an asshole. Call them, offer to give...
- you infected the rest of the kids. how sick! they tell you not to do that! oy....
- Why don't you wait until morning and see if it's anxiety or real virus. If it's real...
- If your sick kid showed up at my house with 103 to play with my dd...
Talk :
- NY Schools
: December 05, 2011
- urgggg! my DS is complaining of a headache and stomach ache and he has a school interview tomorrow for an off year. This interview was not easy to come by since a lot of schools won't even see kids applying to grades they do not feel they will have a spot in. Now I may need to cancel!
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  NY Schools
  12.05.11, 05:11 PM Flag ]
  - Why cancel especially for an off year he is older and better able to handle himself. I would medicate him and tell him he can get back in bed after a stellar interview.
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    12.05.11, 05:15 PM Flag
    - first of all it is really hard to medicate for nausea. secondly he is still in lower school so still basically a lump when he is sick. Also it would be really unethical to send a kid to a school where he will sit in the classroom for a few hours with other kids. And lastly I want him to be at his best because they do their own onsite evaluation.
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      12.05.11, 05:25 PM Flag
      - It was just a suggestion. I send DD age 4 at the time on a playdate while she had a temp of 103 and flu like symptoms. I told her to pay attention and have fun while she was in school and when she was finished we could snuggle and drink hot cocoa in bed while watching cartoons. She did great and we got in our 1st choice.
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        12.05.11, 05:38 PM Flag
        
        thats awful...you infected the rest of the kids. how sick! they tell you not to do that! oy.
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        12.05.11, 05:52 PM Flag
        
        If your sick kid showed up at my house with 103 to play with my dd and put her germy little hands all over, I'd be furious with you. Who does this?
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        12.05.11, 06:08 PM Flag
    - dittp
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      12.05.11, 05:29 PM Flag
  - Your instincts are right don't send him if he's sick, you'll just look like an asshole. Call them, offer to give them a doctor's note, but tell them he's too sick to go.
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    12.05.11, 05:29 PM Flag
    - Why don't you wait until morning and see if it's anxiety or real virus. If it's real definitely reschedule. This is the one thing I think every school is understanding about.
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      12.05.11, 05:53 PM Flag
[+] My 10 year old DS is addicted to watching cartoons and playing online games. We don't... 98 replies
- erector set or other building sets, some Home Depots have Saturday morning crafts & tools things for kids to build a project,..., but I give out extra for special circumstances like being sick or holidays, family movie night doesn't count, etc....
- op-we change passwords then early in the sat/sunday morning he comes to our bed and keeps asking for it until...it is that bad to let him laze around on weekend mornings doing whatever he wants to do for an hour or...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 05, 2011
- My 10 year old DS is addicted to watching cartoons and playing online games. We don't let him watch or play anything during weekdays. During weekends, he gets up earlier than usual, turns on dvd player or starts watching netflix online. Until we get up, he watches something at least 2 hours but claims he watched only for 5-10 minutes and begs for more. We have no control of how much time he spends watching until we get up. Then until we go out, he continues to watch. Watching something stops only when we go out. We try to go put more nut if we're indoors for 5-6 hours on a weekend day then he watches cartoons, films or plays online games close to that amount of time. If we say no, he makes all kinds of complaining and begs to watch something to the point until we say yes. How can we stop this addiction?
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  General Topics
  12.05.11, 09:45 AM Flag ]
  - ^^^ We try to go out more but if we're indoors ...
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    12.05.11, 09:47 AM Flag
  - Let me get this straight... he only does this on weekends? Sounds perfectly fine and normal for his age.
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    12.05.11, 09:47 AM Flag
    - yes, he does this only during weekends because we strictly say no to watching during weekdays, but still I don't think watching something non-stop is normal. He has no patience to do anything else otherwise.
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      12.05.11, 09:51 AM Flag
      - Because he hasn't had to develop it.
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        12.05.11, 09:52 AM Flag
        
        of course he has. all week he develops this skill. what he hasn't had a chance to develop is moderation, because it is outlawed all week and then allowed with no end on weekends.
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        12.05.11, 12:10 PM Flag
  - Tin foil hat
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    12.05.11, 09:48 AM Flag
  - I am watching this post I have similar problems- i very addicted DS playing 9 year old. When I have taken it away in the past, he says he SUFFERS because everyone else has one (and they do).
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    12.05.11, 09:49 AM Flag
    - who gives a crap? be the adult
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      12.05.11, 09:53 AM Flag
      - op-ours is similar too. he gets mad at us when we try to limit ours. he is a very content child normally. his situation is very much like an addiction.
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        12.05.11, 09:56 AM Flag
        
        ^^ opps, meant to write under OR. i have nothing to say to the mean replier above.
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        12.05.11, 09:57 AM Flag
  - You have the power to stop this if you want so why are you telling us?
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    12.05.11, 09:50 AM Flag
    - to get ideas on how to stop. obviously, i'm having difficulty stopping this. weekend after weekend, i'm thinking this should be in the same category as any other addiction.
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      12.05.11, 09:59 AM Flag
      - OP, you're the parent. Set some rules/boundaries but at the same time offer alternatives. It sounds like you or your DH need to engage in some one-on-one time with him to draw him away from all that screen-time? Some stuff my similar-aged sons like: building models with their dad, legos mindstorms, cooking projects, any sport. Would he be interested in a musical instrument? I'd sit him down and chat with him, get his ideas about what new things he'd like to try? He sounds bored.
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        12.05.11, 10:07 AM Flag
      - I think your problem isn't with stopping but with his not wanting to do it.
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        12.05.11, 10:07 AM Flag
        
        his not waning to do it is huge part of the problem. it's easy for us to stop and say no but he seems to be mad at us then. we need to divert his attention without becoming too obvious i think.
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        12.05.11, 10:09 AM Flag
        
        So what if he's mad?
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        12.05.11, 10:14 AM Flag
        
        It's not that, it's that the OP legitimately wants her child to want to do other things. My four-year-old LOVES TV and would watch it all day. We don't let her, but I know she would. I wish she was one of those kids who aches to do crafts and would turn away from TV to do them, but she's not yet. We're working on it, but some kids really get drawn in to TV. My two-year-old could take or leave it.
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        12.05.11, 10:48 AM Flag
        
        AT age 10, it is sort of sad for a child to not have ANY other interests. A child that age can read independently, do involved projects, participate in sports, play an instrument. A 4 year old's abilities are much more limited (as is attention span). I'm not opposed to a certain amount of "downtime" spent watching a show (I do it myself once kids are asleep!) but spending 1/2 your waking hours plugged-in is not good for anyone. A 10 year old SHOULD have enough of an attention span and self-motivation to engage in other stuff.
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        12.05.11, 10:55 AM Flag
        
        op-he plays piano and tennis. his room is full of legos he built beyond his age. he is good at chess. he is very sharp and capable. still, he would spend every second by watching cartoons or movies at every chance.
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        12.05.11, 11:11 AM Flag
        
        It sounds like you're saying 2 different things though? If he's got interests and gets good grades and DOES avoid playing/watching/screentime on the weekdays, then is it really that much of an issue? Tell him he can use the computer/videogame stuff until you and DH get up (allows you to sleep in) and then for an additional 2 hours of downtime on each weekend day. That is more than enough but also totally fair to him and his chosen form of recreation?
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        12.05.11, 11:24 AM Flag
        
        op-if we can only limit to only 2 hours there is no problem. it is not resolved by saying just no after time is up and after we say no more, he will sit at a corner angrily, hating us and will start crying until we let him watch or play.
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        12.05.11, 11:39 AM Flag
        
        because he's learned that if he does that for long enough (cries, sit in a corner) then you will give in. Like a toddler having a tantrum. If you just STOP EVER GIVING IN (and tell him that the jig is up, so that he knows, to be fair), he will stop making himself miserable on purpose because he knows you won't react to it
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        12.05.11, 08:06 PM Flag
        
        Well, you made me feel better, if not OP!
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        12.05.11, 11:38 AM Flag
        
        I don't know OP, I wouldn't try to "trick" him into a diversion.. I'd actively engage him in coming up with other ideas of what might interest/engage him. He's old enough to "get it" that watching TV and staring at a screen all day isn't good for him. Pick his brain, ask him what he'd love to do on the weekends? My guess is if he thought there was a big, fun project he could do with his dad or with you, he'd jump at that idea!
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        12.05.11, 10:16 AM Flag
      - You own the TV. Turn it off.
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        12.05.11, 10:10 AM Flag
  - Does he have friends? My kids would gravitate to the tv/internet/dvd player unless their friends were over. You can have a family discussion, choose a number of hours you feel comfortable with, then stick to it. Yes he's going to grumble. It depends how serious you feel this is. What should he do instead? My 10yo got into books and read a lot. You have to give him a habit to switch to. Is he an only child? Maybe he's bored by himself.
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    12.05.11, 09:51 AM Flag
    - only child. he loves to read but during weekends he reads only when we're out. then he keeps reading even when literally he is walking. he doesn't have many friends since we changed apartment and school this year. we're tryhing to set playdates but during playdates they end up watching something together.
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      12.05.11, 09:54 AM Flag
      - I told my dd no TV during playdates. She listens. Her friends last weekend took out a bunch of board games and rediscovered them. They had a good time. You just have to be firm, set some limits. At the beginning kids will have a hard time b/c they are used to being spoon fed their entertainment by Tv. Get a puzzle put it out on a table, get erector set or other building sets, some Home Depots have Saturday morning crafts & tools things for kids to build a project, get boxes, paints, glue etc have a craft table out. Maybe buy some kits (silly science etc). Even some games on the computer are better than just mindless TV. FWIW, I'm not a big anti-TV person--but 6 hours a day seems too much.
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        12.05.11, 09:58 AM Flag
        
        thank you for the suggestions. all very helpful.
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        12.05.11, 10:08 AM Flag
        
        ITA. OP, check out Maker Shed store online. Lots of amazing kits for older boys. http://www.makershed.com/
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        12.05.11, 10:10 AM Flag
        
        op-i'm already checking the site and found some cool stuff to order. thank you.
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        12.05.11, 11:12 AM Flag
  - This sounds pretty normal. We try and have busy weekend to keep the kids out of the house and away from the machines. And maybe around 11am or so, we'll say - 30 minutes more. Then it all goes off and you have to find some non-electronic way of entertaining yourself. The bigger issue here is the giving in to begging. After a while, that would have the TV disconnected for a week in my house, and DS confiscated.
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    12.05.11, 09:52 AM Flag
  - My 6yo DS said that he couldn't stop watching TV because "it was like smoking." Well guess what? He's in withdrawal. Too bad for him.
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    12.05.11, 09:52 AM Flag
  - your ds sounds like the future of these dcs I see now on public transport/restaurants/etc who are addicted to video games.
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    12.05.11, 09:56 AM Flag
    - (aka--everyone in America/Japan and possibly elsewhere. Even the NY Times has video game reviews...I was out of the loop on that--surprised to see it the other day.
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      12.05.11, 10:00 AM Flag
    - op-that's the biggest part of the problem. saying no to this sort of addiction is observed by being a strict, mean parent because the addiction itself is considered very normal.
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      12.05.11, 10:05 AM Flag
  - I know you won't like this, but maybe let him watch a little bit during the week so that it's not such forbidden frult?
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    12.05.11, 10:09 AM Flag
    - i don't think this will be a solution. during longer holidays, if we let him he keeps watching everyday at every chance. his desire to watch something doesn't decrease with the amount he actuall does it.
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      12.05.11, 10:13 AM Flag
      - Coke addicts don't suddenly stop craving coke because they suddenly have more of it.
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        12.05.11, 10:15 AM Flag
        
        that's b/c coke is a real addiction, while tv isn't. this is more like the kids whose parents don't allow sweets ever, but who then go crazy when offered ice cream at someone else's house
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        12.05.11, 11:50 AM Flag
        
        op-just google and see if it can be a real addiction or not.
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        12.05.11, 12:29 PM Flag
        
        please, you think her 10 year old has a real addiction to television from weekend viewing? the kid just wants to unwind, and may have some issues with his parents b/c they are always working on the weekend. he is not suffering withdrawal symptoms while at school.
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        12.05.11, 01:18 PM Flag
  - Adding my 2 cents, FWIW- my 5yo DS is also addicted to video games, especially his ds. He is obsessed with Mario games. Right away we restricted play to one hour on weekends. He would also get up early to play. The rule was eat breakfast first, then play for one hour. When time is up he freaks out. It became the privilege we took away if he got in trouble, and he began losing it consistently for bad behavior until now he has not had it for about two months. The deal is he can have it if he is good for one week and does not get a time out in school (Kindergarten!). I am a traditional parent who is opposed to these electronic forms of entertainment and I prefer to encourage creativity and hand-on learning. DS is extremely smart, but clearly craves these games... my suggestion to OP is to treat it like the addiction it is, but this requires much effort on your part to engage him on other activities and be present with him in the morning-- get up with him, or somehow lock all devices and tell him to read books until you wake. Good luck-- this society, as some have pointed out, only facilitates and encourages such addictions, and I for one don't like it! OK, my ranting is done.
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    12.05.11, 10:22 AM Flag
    - How did he get a DS in the first place? Oy.
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      12.05.11, 10:28 AM Flag
      - Stupid DH, who thought it was a cool toy (since his friend's son had one too, of course) and enabled the behavior, until he saw the addictive effect. Told him so, now he agrees with me!
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        12.05.11, 10:34 AM Flag
        
        So, get the dad to find another fun activity to spend time with his son doing? My DH (and my sons) love the book "Backyard Ballistics". http://www.backyard-ballistics.com/ It's like a real-life video-game. :)
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        12.05.11, 10:40 AM Flag
        
        Dh here: That is stupid.
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        12.05.11, 10:44 AM Flag
        
        Sounds like my BIL. I swear he buys the games for himself because HE wants to play with them. My nephews are total addicts now.
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        12.05.11, 10:47 AM Flag
    - The answer is easy, don't buy video games!?! Signed, mom to 2 boys ages 7 and 9 and not a single video game in the house. Of course they ask for a DS, Playstation because "all their friends have them" blah, blah, blah but DH and I tell them we are not a video game family. Period. DH and I set the example that we don't spend all our free time on our screens either.. and we engage them in fun activities on the weekends. We do allow some movies/netflix but I simply won't cave on the videogame crap. I agree with a lot of the suggestions other people have made: puzzles, real games, models, kits, lego etc.. and also books-on-cd, my kids love listening to books when they feel too sleepy/relaxed to read a real book.
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      12.05.11, 10:37 AM Flag
  - We have a token system -DS gets 5 1/2 hr chits (2.5 hrs/week) to spend as he wants. That way it's not random and he can regulate it himself. But we do work at making other things attractive - board games, puzzles, talking about books, suggesting we make comic books together, etc.
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    12.05.11, 10:36 AM Flag
    - Forgot to say they are for all screen time, but I give out extra for special circumstances like being sick or holidays, family movie night doesn't count, etc.
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      12.05.11, 10:39 AM Flag
  - maybe the weekend addiction is partly due to the weekday prohibition. maybe an hour a day in general would work fine. what exactly are you trying to protect him from by not allowing any during the week?
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    12.05.11, 11:03 AM Flag
    - op-he has lots of homework and other stuff (piano and tennis) during weekdays. even if we let him he wouldn't have time or he would make time by not spending enough time on homework.
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      12.05.11, 11:08 AM Flag
      - np: So, he has interests. That's great. He also likes computers and tv. I know as an adult I do too, and I like to wind down on the weekends. Don't worry about this. I think this is more your problem of perception than an actual real problem. Most 10 year old boys love video games. As for the attitude, I think it is normal. He feels entitled to the downtime since he doesn't get it during the week.
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        12.05.11, 11:15 AM Flag
        
        op-both DH and I need to work during most weekends in addition to weekdays, mostly from home with computers. DS observes that we spend a lot of time in front of a monitor and argues that why he wouldn't do the same, which he has a point. but believe me, his desire to watch something or play something is more like an addiction than normal. i intuitively know that we have to go out more or spend more time doing things wth him but with tons of workload this is becoming a real issue for all of us. DS's becoming addictive is part of this problem,our work load, as well.
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        12.05.11, 11:22 AM Flag
        
        I still don't see how the behavior is addictive. He gives you attitude when you take it away as any 10 yo would. How else does this "addition" manifest itself so it is above and beyond normal 10 yo behavior?
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        12.05.11, 11:26 AM Flag
        
        Well BINGO! That's the problem in a nutshell, isn't it? You're modeling the behavior but then holding him to a different standard than you hold yourself. My advice would be to be sure to always let him have a friend sleep-over on Saturday nights.. or go to a friend's house. He's an only child and it sounds like you and your DH don't have time for much weekend family-time anyway? Of course he's bored.
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        12.05.11, 11:26 AM Flag
        
        op-that's important part, probably the source of it. when we have time then he doesn't show any interest to spend time with us. we have to convince him to go out. we're more careful now about weekends but seems like the damage is already done and he has distanced himself from us with watching tv, playing games.
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        12.05.11, 11:36 AM Flag
        
        np: You don't have to convince him to go out, you just tell him he is coming with you. Allow him to bring a book if it is somewhere that might not be that fun for a kid. Once you get out, he will probably be fine. Don't ask his permission for everything. You should ask sometimes because he is getting older and needs that respect/validation, but not about everything.
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        12.05.11, 11:41 AM Flag
      - if he is so busy all week, and does everything he's supposed to (including getting good grades), maybe let him decompress over the weekend. 5-6 hours is a lot, so maybe say for each couple of hours he has to read for 45 minutes, or practice his instrument, or whatever. if he's otherwise a good kid, i would hate to have a major stand-off about weekend tv.
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        12.05.11, 11:18 AM Flag
  - Put some more limits on him if you feel it is necessary like 4 hours max on the weekends or whatever. But, don't worry about addiction. This obsession is very normal for this age. What types of games is he playing?
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    12.05.11, 11:10 AM Flag
    - op-recently he plays plants versus zombies like there is no tomorrow. before that, he was into online games on lego site.
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      12.05.11, 11:14 AM Flag
      - That's perfectly normal. My kids and their cousins went through a plants vs. zombies stage and did lego before that. Soon, he will be doing minecraft and that actually really gets their creative juices flowing because they build their own world.
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        12.05.11, 11:16 AM Flag
  - I am confused: my 10 year old son is not permitted to use the TV or any electronics without asking.
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    12.05.11, 11:31 AM Flag
    - I guess you can't help OP then, can you. Why did you bother posting?
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      12.05.11, 11:32 AM Flag
    - same for me, but it appears that ship has sailed fro OP
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      12.05.11, 11:33 AM Flag
      - You are still that strict your 10 year old? For how many more years are you planning to do this? Until high school? Until they move out?
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        12.05.11, 11:35 AM Flag
    - You must be awfully simple if this confuses you.
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      12.05.11, 11:48 AM Flag
      - Ha ha ha ha ha!
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        12.05.11, 12:13 PM Flag
  - Can't you lock Netflix? DS is 8yo and Netflix and Wii are password protected so he needs to ask permission first. We take DS away as soon as he abuses it. Sure, we get the "other kids..." line, but as I say "everyone does things differently." DS is pretty active and involved and has too much going on to really be able to abuse it, but school breaks are the biggest problem.
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    12.05.11, 11:39 AM Flag
    - Is it really a problem, though? I think a lot of people on this post are seeing problems where there aren't any.
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      12.05.11, 11:44 AM Flag
      - op-just posted below. for me, the problem is DS doesn't get enough sleep and gets up after 7 hours of sleep just to watch or play.
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        12.05.11, 11:48 AM Flag
        
        I don't understand OP, why can't you put your foot down and say, "No screentime until 8am"? It seems that you and your DH need to come up with a plan and stick to your guns. Obviously setting a password and then changing it as soon as he whines won't work.. your son needs to see you as a united front when it comes to these rules. Maybe it's too late? Maybe the bad habits you have all developed are too far along? Seems worth it to try though?
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        12.05.11, 11:57 AM Flag
      - or: yeah, to me a kid who wakes up wo enough sleep every weekend for screen time and who pesters his parents to get he password, etc. has a problem. of course, i do think op is being totally lazy. i like my sleep too, but if my 10yo was that big a pest, i'd go to "no tv" at all.
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        12.05.11, 12:09 PM Flag
        
        op-i don't understand why you say 'lazy'? is it because i don't wake up with him? or because i don't stick with the rules such as giving up the password?
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        12.05.11, 12:15 PM Flag
        
        It is lazy parenting to let this bad a habit develop in the first place.. you got him the video games and gave him access to the netflix etc because you thought it might keep him out of your hair for awhile (so you could sleep in or work or whatever).. you set limits but then cave as soon as he whines.. you work all weekend and then wonder why he isn't in the habit of relishing family time.
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        12.05.11, 12:20 PM Flag
        
        op-i don't really need to defend myself but here it goes: DS has always been prone to this addiction, but got out of hand after we moved 4 months ago which screwed up our habits and comfort zone. with all the work needed to be done for moving and no vacation time and noone to help, we let DS watch more than he should. now, after slowly getting back to normal, i relise we should put an end to this. can happen to anyone, no need to be this harsh towards others.
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        12.05.11, 12:28 PM Flag
        
        let's be honest, when you'd rather give up the password than wake up and enforce the rules, that's lazy - esp if that's a regular occurrence. if you'd rather complain than enforce the rules, that's lazy. if you don't think it's a problem, then don't complain.
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        12.05.11, 12:41 PM Flag
    - op-we change passwords then early in the sat/sunday morning he comes to our bed and keeps asking for it until he learns it. just to sleep another hour i tell him helpless. i would be okay with him accessing it while we are sleeping but he gets up really early, earlier than school days, after 7 hours, sometimes less, of sleep.
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      12.05.11, 11:47 AM Flag
      - I'm sorry OP but you sound so passive (and lazy!). Sorry to be harsh but that's the way a lot of your posts sound to me. Be the adults, be the parents.
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        12.05.11, 11:54 AM Flag
        
        op-are you the one who said "who gives a crap? be the adult" ?
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        12.05.11, 12:07 PM Flag
        
        No, and again I am sorry to be harsh. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a parent sometimes! I actually don't even think it is that bad to let him laze around on weekend mornings doing whatever he wants to do for an hour or so.. and you and DH get some more sleep. But you're the one who posted that this is becoming a problem! If you can't see that it is YOUR job as a parent to set the limits, then what do you expect us to tell you? If the problem is that he rises early and doesn't get enough sleep, set a time when he can start playing/watching and DO NOT WAVER.
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        12.05.11, 12:15 PM Flag
        
        op-to answer your question: "If you can't see that it is YOUR job as a parent to set the limits, then what do you expect us to tell you?" First of all, I realise that I'm the parent and it is my job, second, this is why I'm asking other parents if they have similar problems and hopefully can share their sucessful solutions etc. If I would be lazy, I wouldn't mind my DS's addiction. I hope you are not always this intolerant for your own sake.
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        12.05.11, 12:24 PM Flag
        
        np: I think a lot of parents don't really consider this a real problem. If it gets to be too much, they jsut put limits on it and they are fine. I think maybe you have a lot of guilt over your weekend work and not spending time with your child. I think your child deserves more time with you, and for the time he's not spending with you on the weekend, let him play or watch tv. Which is the addictive behavior, the games or the tv? One is passive, one is active, so I assume you see a difference.
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        12.05.11, 12:55 PM Flag
        
        btw, I think this guilt manifests itself as permissiveness and giving in every time your child whines or cries.
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        12.05.11, 12:59 PM Flag
        
        I agree. OP, could you have a frank discussion with your DS about this? Tell him exactly what you said above.. that your family developed some bad habits during the move and that you want to change gears. Talk to him about why spending his entire weekend tied to a screen is not great for him, and make a pact with him to not be as tied to your own screen? Come up with some ideas as a family for activities which everyone would enjoy. Be sure he knows he can still play the games and watch some shows, but in moderation.
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        12.05.11, 01:04 PM Flag
        
        Afterall, at 10 he can totally understand this stuff.. why it might be better for him to get some exercise, build something with his hands, do something creative, spend time with you and DH, whatever. Enlist his help/advice?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.05.11, 01:06 PM Flag
  - I think you have to set the limits like others said but his approach is NORMAL. My brother was the same when he was that age. He would wake up early to get the best seat on the couch, hide the remote or take it to the bathroom with him so no one could change the channel. Now he's an energy trader with an MBA. My mom just had to constantly be on him. Not fun, but don't worry that he isn't normal.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.05.11, 11:54 AM Flag
    - op-i have a brother very much like that who watches tv obessively. he didn't turn out to be the person he could be and he is very sharp. DS is very much like him characterwise, hje reminds me of him at my brother's age. i fear he'll turn out to be like him if we don't teach him to deal with this addiction.
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      12.05.11, 12:11 PM Flag
      - Hmmmm...so there's more to your worry than "addiction."
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.05.11, 12:14 PM Flag
      - you mean your brother didn't turn out to be the person you think he should be.
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        12.05.11, 12:18 PM Flag
      - np: What did you expect of him and why do you think the tv was the culprit? Why isn't he responsible? I watched tons of tv as a kid and so did dh and quite few of our friends and we are successful. TV was just a pastime. Something to help us wind down. We still watch it and we surf the net all the time. I don't think one this has anything to do with the other.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.05.11, 01:01 PM Flag
  - maybe if you allowed some during the week it wouldn't be so special on the weekends? he obviously is not negatively impacted, he has so many other interests and he's smart and finds other things to do during the week. maybe the week is pretty stressful and he wants to zone out on the weekend. this just doesn't sound like a big deal. make sure he gets out of the house on the weekends, and the rest of the time, let him watch.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.05.11, 12:15 PM Flag
  - "We have no control of how much time he spends watching until we get up." Why not? This is what I don't get? Who is in charge in your house? Sounds like your DS is? That's the crux of the problem right there OP.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.05.11, 12:56 PM Flag
    - np: obviously the kid is not in charge, the kid follows the weekday rules and has zero screen time during the week. and of course she could just outlaw screen time 24/7.
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      12.05.11, 02:46 PM Flag
  - Our son is about the same age and we have the same issue. But, we aren't very worried about it. Our DS is at school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. daily, receives tutoring from 5 to 6:30 3 days a week, and has 45 minutes of homework 6 days a week. His video time is his relaxation time. We do NOT allow any violent games or TV though.
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    12.05.11, 05:29 PM Flag
  - Does he have any groups to which he belongs? I was always against organized classes on weekends, but our DS goes to a Science Club every weekend. There has to be a fun alternative to the TV/gaming.
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    12.05.11, 05:31 PM Flag
  - how about making a deal with him that one weekend a month, he goes technology free. no tv, games, computer etc. and maybe you loosen up the other weekends. we have a second home with no tv and it is never missed but once we are back home, the addiction continues.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.05.11, 05:37 PM Flag
[+] Boston area moms: would like to take 18mo DD on a little outing this Saturday morning... 18 replies
- True--just bring hand sanitizer and spritz the hands every so often. My kids always got sick after a visit at a playmobil fun park--due to all the kids touching the blocks & toys....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 05, 2011
- Boston area moms: would like to take 18mo DD on a little outing this Saturday morning (visiting Boston for weekend) - should we go to Children's Museum or Aquarium? Or somewhere else entirely?
  18 replies
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  General Topics
  12.05.11, 08:51 AM Flag ]
  - Children's museum, not the aquarium.
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    12.05.11, 08:56 AM Flag
    - OP: thanks - just so I know for future reference, is the aquarium not good? It's been years since I've been there but I remember liking it when I was younger.
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      12.05.11, 08:57 AM Flag
      - The Aquarium is great, but it's expensive and you can finish it in 30 minutes. My DS just likes to run around in there, and it's always very crowded. I think it's much better for kids aged 3+. But you should take a walk on the waterfront. And you can see the seals that are outside for free.
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        12.05.11, 09:28 AM Flag
    - Why not the Aquarium? it's great. The Children's Museum was nice, but like all the others and really really crowded.
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      12.05.11, 08:59 AM Flag
      - Boston mom here-- I totally agree. Especially for an 18 month old. There is hardly anything for a child that little to do there. I'd choose the aquarium--my daughter is 2.5, and she has loved the aquarium since about 12 months.
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        12.05.11, 09:26 AM Flag
        
        Also--The aquarium is near Faneuil Hall, where there is a nice Xmas tree to see, at least. And not that far, cab or walking from the Boston Common area. The children's museum is not very convenient to other stuff for visitors.
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        12.05.11, 09:27 AM Flag
        
        OP: thanks all!
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        12.05.11, 09:28 AM Flag
        
        The Children's Museum is right near the ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art), which is kid-friendly and stroller-friendly.
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        12.05.11, 09:33 AM Flag
        
        Yeah, but are you really going to do 2 museums in one day?
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        12.05.11, 09:38 AM Flag
        
        Have you ever been to the ICA? It's not very big, but it's pretty nice.
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        12.05.11, 09:40 AM Flag
        
        Also, if you are looking for a good lunch/brunch place that adults will really like but is also reasonably child friendly. Sel de la Terre on the waterfront is good, with a nice wine list, but also good with families. (I would not say this of the Back Bay location.)
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        12.05.11, 09:28 AM Flag
        
        ^^I mention because this is near the aquarium, and it's where we usually get lunch/brunch when we take my daughter (we're members).
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        12.05.11, 09:29 AM Flag
        
        ITD. The Children's museum has a ton of stuff for an 18mo. The playspace is great. Peep and the Big Wide World exhibit will let her play with water and sand. The preschool is fun to let her explore. There is a ton of stuff.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.05.11, 09:31 AM Flag
        
        OR: I don't know. We've never been a fan of paying to go in a museum just to go in a playspace where a bunch of kids are touching all over and my kid is probably just going to get a cold out of it, especially when they can play at the park or at her acutal preschool, anyway. The aquarium has a lot more things for kids to look at and get excited about that she won't see anywhere else, in my opinion. And we love the little "hands on" room where the kids get to touch/hold starfish and things like that. For visitors, I also just think it is in a much nicer location-- near the Faneuil Hall area, near multiple parks and areas to run around, near the water taxi/ferries, near restaurants... The Children's Museum location seems so random to me.
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        12.05.11, 09:37 AM Flag
        
        Again, ITA because we have memberships to both and my DS has enjoyed the Children's Museum much more and really isn't ready to enjoy the point of the aquarium (looking at fish and penguins) for more than 5 minutes at a time. And it's really crowded on the weekend, much more than the Children's museum. The kid is 18mo and she's going to get excited about everything she gets to touch more than what she gets to see. IMO.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.05.11, 09:43 AM Flag
        
        True--just bring hand sanitizer and spritz the hands every so often. My kids always got sick after a visit at a playmobil fun park--due to all the kids touching the blocks & toys.
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        12.05.11, 09:53 AM Flag
        
        I meant, ITD
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        12.05.11, 10:11 AM Flag
  - we were there over Thanksgiving, and walked from the Children's Museum to the Aquarium - took about 20-25 minutes. you can do both!
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.05.11, 09:56 AM Flag
[+] Any MD moms on? Went to the doc on Saturday morning after a few days of high fever a... 44 replies
- feeling better. You may wake up in the morning and find that your fever broke overnight. Good...
- To be honest, after only being sick a few days the bronchitis is likely viral....your potential, it will be best to plead sick and leave because otherwise, your boss/ coworkers will...fever and a raging infection and getting him sick make me absolutely livid....
- need to save for when MY kids get sick and I need to keep them home from...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 04, 2011
- Any MD moms on? Went to the doc on Saturday morning after a few days of high fever and cough, and he said that I have bronchitis, and gave me antibiotics. How soon can I expect to feel better? He gave me ten days worth of Augmentin, and it's day 2 now. Still have a fever, unless I take advil.
  44 replies
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  12.04.11, 02:26 PM Flag ]
  - not an MD but oh man, that sucks. i had bronchitis last year and i felt like it took forever for the cough to go away. i started feeling better fairly quickly but i felt like i spent FOREVER coughing. it does eventually go away though! feel better.
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    12.04.11, 02:28 PM Flag
    - Be very careful,mine led to pneumonia which is awful.
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      12.04.11, 02:29 PM Flag
      - How? Were you not on medication for the bronchitis?
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        12.04.11, 02:29 PM Flag
        
        I was,but never long enough. Rest is your friend.
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        12.04.11, 02:31 PM Flag
      - yikes!!
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        12.04.11, 02:29 PM Flag
    - I can deal with the cough, but not the fever. I have to go to work tomorrow. Sigh.
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      12.04.11, 02:29 PM Flag
  - not until day 3 or 4 for me
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    12.04.11, 02:36 PM Flag
  - Ugh. Bronchitis is awful. Usually by day 2-4 of the Augmentin I am feeling better. You may wake up in the morning and find that your fever broke overnight. Good luck!
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    12.04.11, 02:37 PM Flag
    - op: Do you think I can double the doze of the Augmentin tonight? I really need to start feeling better right away.
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      12.04.11, 02:50 PM Flag
      - That won't cure you quicker- doesn't work that way. Sorry. All you'll get is some nasty diarrhea along with your fever.
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        12.04.11, 02:54 PM Flag
      - I don't think so. I've never tried anything like that, anyway-- I don't think it works like that. Maybe an MD mom will hop on soon...
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        12.04.11, 02:55 PM Flag
        
        (^^OR)
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        12.04.11, 03:04 PM Flag
      - To be honest, after only being sick a few days the bronchitis is likely viral. The abx might not even be doing anything-- too many people demand abx so lots of docs give them when people ask for them now, because they are lazy and/or tired of being harassed. You just have to give it time, the world will spin without you at work tomorrow- rest is the best thing, good luck.
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        12.04.11, 02:56 PM Flag
        
        op: Thanks. I will take the prescribed dosage, but I still have to go to work tomorrow. Any suggestions for how to make it through the day?
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        12.04.11, 02:59 PM Flag
        
        Tylenol or Advil for fever, veg out at your desk whenever possible (inbetween meetings, etc.) and if you have a fever at work or KNOW that you are functioning way below your potential, it will be best to plead sick and leave because otherwise, your boss/ coworkers will think you are just producing shitty work with no excuse.
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        12.04.11, 03:01 PM Flag
        
        I am a high school teacher. I get to sit down for about, oh, 15 minutes. I think I'll make sure to drink a lot of water, and take DayQuil every 3 hours so that the fever never gets a chance to surface.
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        12.04.11, 03:06 PM Flag
        
        OR. What subject? Any chance you could give them an assignment to do during class and turn in to you at the end of the period? You will not want to be talking all day :( My mom is a HS teacher. Do you at least have a stool at the front of your classroom that you could sit on? If not, could you use your desk chair, just this once?
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        12.04.11, 03:09 PM Flag
        
        Lessons are already planned, but I will try to take it easy. I teach social studies.
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        12.04.11, 03:10 PM Flag
        
        Yeah, even with lessons already planned... things come up, like bronchitis, you know? Don't you have something they could research or write or something? Maybe even play a documentary if you're desperate.
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        12.04.11, 03:14 PM Flag
        
        I agree- they don't need you there to watch a documentary either. My teacher friends have 3-4 days like this pre-planned in case of illness. For example, the civil war documentary that is so famous? One friend plays a section of that every time she is out sick (like, twice a year or something) and they write a short essay on what they learned from it. No brainer for a sub to turn on the video, and it's actually a fantastic documentary.
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        12.04.11, 03:18 PM Flag
        
        OR. LOL, my HS history teacher played that ENTIRE documentary instead of actually teaching about the Civil War, because it "did a better job than [he] could." He was a great guy, but...
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.04.11, 03:21 PM Flag
        
        Oh no, get a substitute, I'm sorry, but the thought of my kid's teacher going to school with a fever and a raging infection and getting him sick make me absolutely livid.
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        12.04.11, 03:09 PM Flag
        
        This is high school, so I am never really in close contact with the students.
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        12.04.11, 03:11 PM Flag
        
        Still. The class won't all fail their SATs if they have a sub tomorrow. Do yourself (and all of them) a favor.
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        12.04.11, 03:15 PM Flag
        
        OR. Take a neti pot with you if you have any nasal congestion. Lots of cough drops, tea with honey and lemon, comfort food, tissues, and lots of caffeine. Take a break when/if you can. Try not to do anything physical if that is possible. Wear the most comfortable clothes you can get away with. Maybe bring a small lap blanket in case you're cold or still having fever chills. Advil.
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        12.04.11, 03:03 PM Flag
  - my dd recently had bronchitis and she didn't really feel significantly better for a week.
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    12.04.11, 02:54 PM Flag
    - If it were your child with bronchitis and a fever would you send her to school tomorrow? Do yourself and your workplace a favor and stay home!
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      12.04.11, 02:58 PM Flag
      - No kidding!!! OP, I don't want your germs, do us all a favor and STAY HOME.
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        12.04.11, 03:03 PM Flag
      - What if I just keep to myself, and wash my hands constantly? I really can't skip any days this week.
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        12.04.11, 03:07 PM Flag
        
        Vampire cough :) And keep some antibacterial gel and tissues with you at all times.
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        12.04.11, 03:10 PM Flag
        
        It will be tough as a teacher, but if you have to you have to. Why is it so necessary to be there tomorrow? Isn't there a trusted sub you could call- one who is actually able to teach, who is used frequently by the school? I remember one sub who was always in my high school, and we always groaned if it was a substitute teacher day and our sub was that guy because it meant we actually had to have real class instead of watch a movie or read a book like with the other one-time subs :)
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        12.04.11, 03:21 PM Flag
  - bronchitis is almost always viral. he shouldnt have even given you antibiotics IMO.
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    12.04.11, 03:10 PM Flag
    - How can I treat it?
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      12.04.11, 03:12 PM Flag
      - you are sick.. you have to be sick. tons of fluid --ibuprofen. antihistimine to dry you out
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        12.04.11, 03:14 PM Flag
      - DON"T stop the anti's!
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        12.04.11, 03:15 PM Flag
  - You teach HS and don't have any sick days? I feel for you!
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    12.04.11, 03:11 PM Flag
    - The few that I have I need to save for when MY kids get sick and I need to keep them home from school.
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      12.04.11, 03:12 PM Flag
      - Your students parents might be the same way. And I guarantee you're going to infect at least one of them! Bad karma.
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        12.04.11, 03:23 PM Flag
        
        np. They save their sick days for when their 16yo has to stay home sick? I kind of doubt that.
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        12.04.11, 03:34 PM Flag
        
        Didn't know how old her students were. If my 14 year old were home sick I'd try to take a day off, yeah. Not like she can drive herself to the doctor.
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        12.04.11, 03:41 PM Flag
  - I didn't start to feel a difference until day 4.
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    12.04.11, 03:32 PM Flag
  - MD mom: you may not feel better for 3-5 days. If still persistent fevers after that point, would call MD and see about a CXR.
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    12.04.11, 03:54 PM Flag
  - Ew, I'm so sorry this happened to your dd. This also makes me very glad I live in an area with no ticks. Yuck.
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    12.04.11, 03:55 PM Flag
    - ^^meant for tick post, sorry
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      12.04.11, 03:56 PM Flag
[+] We were in CT yesterday for 6 hours. This am, DD sad her shoulder hurts. I look, an... 43 replies
- Park. Nor are there mice, roaches, worms, peanuts, or anything else that could potentially kill your child, make him sick, or just generally skeeve you out. Central Park is nothing but grass, trees, songbirds, and ladybugs....
- a little scratch where his leg meets his body. This was in the evening and I put him to bed. In the morning, I realized the "scratch" was a tick and totally freaked out. Got it off and called ped--who told me to calm...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 04, 2011
- We were in CT yesterday for 6 hours. This am, DD sad her shoulder hurts. I look, and see a bug halfway lodged into her skin. We are at the ER. They tried to take it out, some pieces are left in her. Two weeks of antibiotics. Now we are waiting for a more serious procedure, where they dig for the head. We played outside, but she had two shirts and a coat on. How do you avoid this? If I ever thought I might move to the burbs this just officially changed my mind.
  43 replies
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  12.04.11, 09:17 AM Flag ]
  - Ticks and other insects populate the world. You can't avoid them, but they are obviously more easily found in tall grass, woods, etc. It's a dangerous place out there, but you can't hold up in your apt
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    12.04.11, 09:22 AM Flag
    - Yes but you don't get ticks lodged into you r
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      12.04.11, 09:24 AM Flag
      - ^^^sorry - typing from the ER. You don't get ticks in NYC.
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        12.04.11, 09:26 AM Flag
        
        I'm sure there are ticks in the park
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        12.04.11, 09:29 AM Flag
        
        No there aren't. There are absolutely no ticks in Central Park. Nor are there mice, roaches, worms, peanuts, or anything else that could potentially kill your child, make him sick, or just generally skeeve you out. Central Park is nothing but grass, trees, songbirds, and ladybugs.
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        12.04.11, 09:40 AM Flag
        
        Hee hee.
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        12.04.11, 10:10 AM Flag
        
        you forgot the unicorns
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        12.04.11, 11:01 AM Flag
        
        Yes, there are ticks in nyc but the scarcity of deer habitat w/in city limits makes contact less frequent. I'm curiosity which ER-& type of practitioner. Too bad the tick is no longer intact. For future ref, smother area & tick w/petrolatum to suffocate/make feeding inhospitable. Try this w/ antibac ointment at home today. Perhaps the bits will come closer to surface. Sorry to hear.GL
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        12.04.11, 09:41 AM Flag
        
        Were at the ER at Cornell. The ER Dr. Did it. Just found out that the piece that they were trying to get out won't come out. How gross, this bug is now stuck in dd's arm and body.
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        12.04.11, 10:00 AM Flag
        
        Smother it and let her body try to push it out. Try not to mess with it.
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        12.04.11, 10:43 AM Flag
        
        According to my dogs vet there are ticks in NYC.
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        12.04.11, 10:48 AM Flag
        
        DS has been seeing the preeminent Lyme pediatrician in the entire country. Dr says there IS Lyme in NYC, but it's much less frequent (basically from a bird dropping a tick)
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        12.04.11, 01:20 PM Flag
      - ticks bury the head under the skin. If you try to pull it out, the head usually gets left behind. this is why you have to make them back out on their own.
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        12.04.11, 09:27 AM Flag
        
        i was always told you need to put oil or something greasy (cream) on a bug, wait a little, then try to "screw" it out in counter clockwise motion
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        12.04.11, 09:35 AM Flag
        
        I'm totally doing this next time.
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        12.04.11, 10:07 AM Flag
        
        How do you get it to come out on it's own?
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        12.04.11, 10:08 AM Flag
        
        My dad use to light a match and heat up somethign like the end of a paper clip and hold it to the ticks butt. They pulled out pretty fast.
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        12.04.11, 02:59 PM Flag
  - Me too.
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    12.04.11, 09:23 AM Flag
  - How horrible!!!! What kind of bug? Poor dd.
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    12.04.11, 09:24 AM Flag
    - A deer tick -- the worst kind
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      12.04.11, 09:25 AM Flag
      - So sorry. This is why I hate the outdoors.
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        12.04.11, 09:32 AM Flag
      - Deer ticks are so tiny you cant even see them.
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        12.04.11, 10:36 AM Flag
        
        untrue
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        12.04.11, 10:49 AM Flag
  - Ticks and bugs in the burbs, bedbugs and mouse droppings in the city... we live on earth, nowhere to hide.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.04.11, 09:45 AM Flag
    - None of this tick and bedbug nonsense was ever an issue on the west coast.
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      12.04.11, 10:45 AM Flag
  - It's too cold for ticks! Must be something else. Fwiw, I found ticks on two of my kids over the summer. Actually #1 found one on herself, and I pulled it off. Knew it had been on for only a few mins. A few weeks later, I thought my baby had a little scratch where his leg meets his body. This was in the evening and I put him to bed. In the morning, I realized the "scratch" was a tick and totally freaked out. Got it off and called ped--who told me to calm down because it doesn't matter at all as long as tick hasn't been on for 48 hours.
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    12.04.11, 09:59 AM Flag
    - It's not too cold for ticks, they confirmed it is a deer tick. Although it is not likely she has Lyme disease, they are putting her on antibiotics for 14 days. I hate medicine that might be unnecessary but I'm not fighting them.
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      12.04.11, 10:06 AM Flag
      - Weird. I was told once there's been a freeze, they're done for the year.
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        12.04.11, 10:10 AM Flag
        
        We asked the same q-- they said if you freeze a tick, while it will remain frozen in an ice cube, once it thaws, it just walks out. So, it was not freezing yesterday, and even with the snowstorm in Oct, the ticks just survived.
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        12.04.11, 10:12 AM Flag
        
        that is disgusting!
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        12.04.11, 10:17 AM Flag
        
        Interesting. Friends are are tick-obsessed (their country place is in the woods and they have a lot of ticks), and they told me this when I said something about being careful of ticks a few weeks ago. They actually send ticks off to a lab to be checked for Lyme disease!
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        12.04.11, 10:18 AM Flag
        
        I live in CT. Ticks are an issue that you need to be aware of year round. That said, it's no bigger worry than any other. You just have to check. The antibiotics may make her stomach a little upset. Make sure she eats yogurt. Hope she feels better.
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        12.04.11, 10:20 AM Flag
        
        np And make sure she doesn't lie down right after taking them.
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        12.04.11, 10:22 AM Flag
    - I got 3 ticks in my parents' backyard in westchester on Thanksgiving. I thought it was too cold for ticks then too.
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      12.04.11, 10:22 AM Flag
    - Ticks stay alive throughout the year. And you can get Lyme after a few minutes; it's not true that the tick needs to stay attached for 48 hours.
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      12.04.11, 01:21 PM Flag
  - I don't have an answer but just wanted to say I hope your DD gets better soon!!!
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    12.04.11, 10:33 AM Flag
  - it's just a tick and you found it and started antibiotics - all will be fine as for the head that is left in, it will come out - put a drawing salve on it
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    12.04.11, 10:37 AM Flag
  - That's crazy! I hope she is doing okay. How do they get throw layers of clothes and a coat? Anything you can do to repel them? Now I am super scared. Ugh.
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    12.04.11, 10:47 AM Flag
  - the real problem with lyme disease is when it goes undiagnosed. Your dd will be fine b/c she is getting treatment right away
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    12.04.11, 10:50 AM Flag
    - this
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      12.04.11, 01:26 PM Flag
      - The ER release docs say " do not put petroleum or lotion on the tick, or twist it in any way!!!". Something about the poison can come out. I'm just going to the ER everytime, is that crazy?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.04.11, 02:29 PM Flag
  - You can't totally avoid ticks. But it should be noted that if the tick is removed within 24 hours, the chances of Lyme disease are very, very remote (even if the tick carries it) so it's not a reason not to go outdoors.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.04.11, 04:58 PM Flag
  - damn that's horrible. hope your kid recovers soon.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.04.11, 06:20 PM Flag
[+] Question for Martyr Moms -- if you are home with your kids all day and never have any... 35 replies
- style so it doesn't look overgrown. DS is 2.5 but I haven't been sick, so no doctor. I went to the dentist once since he was born. DH watched...
- You realize you are supposed to go to the doctor even when you're not sick? Yearly checkup? Don't die, Martyr Mom, no one could fill your shoes!...
- hair at home. Dentist is twice a year and I have husband stay late that morning while I grab the earliest appointment. Have a pap smear and see the gynecologist. A...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 03, 2011
- Question for Martyr Moms -- if you are home with your kids all day and never have any help, when do you go to the doctor or dentist, or get your hair cut? I'm actually curious.
  35 replies
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  General Topics
  12.03.11, 04:55 PM Flag ]
  - why are you such an aggressive asshat?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 04:57 PM Flag
    - No, I'm serious.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 05:00 PM Flag
      - If you're serious, consider this: it's easier for a mom with lots of appointments to get help with them, eg weekly therapy, nails, monthly haircolor, etc. The babysitter comes at a fixed schedule, DC is accustomed to the babysitter, etc. If you only need help once every couple of months, it's harder to find someone that is good with the kids, that they'll go to bed for, who knows where stuff is and what the rules are and whatnot.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:07 PM Flag
        
        np: I agree with you but that doesn't answer the question. When do you get these things -- Dr, dentist or haircuts -- done?
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        12.03.11, 05:22 PM Flag
        
        The answer is that you get them done rarely. I can get someone to cover me for 6 hours a year (2 haircuts, 1 dentist, 1 doctor).
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:28 PM Flag
  - I get my haircut twice a year, but it's a shaggy style so it doesn't look overgrown. DS is 2.5 but I haven't been sick, so no doctor. I went to the dentist once since he was born. DH watched DS. I don't get my nails done. Dye hair at home.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 04:59 PM Flag
    - not healthy
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      12.03.11, 05:01 PM Flag
    - You realize you are supposed to go to the doctor even when you're not sick? Yearly checkup? Don't die, Martyr Mom, no one could fill your shoes!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 05:01 PM Flag
      - I was a DIYer long before I was a mom. It runs in my family. I've never had a yearly checkup in my life.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:02 PM Flag
        
        Not getting a checkup is so brag worthy.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:04 PM Flag
        
        It does mean I'm healthy, no?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:08 PM Flag
        
        People with HIV live healthy lives for a long time before knowing their status. This could be you.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:23 PM Flag
        
        ^^^^ I've never been to a gyn or received pre-natal care and my children are perfectly healthy. Doctors are for the lazy.
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        12.03.11, 05:05 PM Flag
        
        bullshit
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.04.11, 01:09 AM Flag
      - We have more life insurance on me than on DH just for that reason.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 05:08 PM Flag
        
        So that a nanny can raise your children because you were too much saint to practice preventive medicine.
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        12.03.11, 05:18 PM Flag
  - I don't. I cut my own hair, (DC's are learning to help with the back!), and who can get to a Dr? I'm sure that thing growing out of my side is nothing major, certainly not worth leaving my baby for.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 04:59 PM Flag
    - hahahaha.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 05:00 PM Flag
  - I work.
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    12.03.11, 05:02 PM Flag
  - My DH. After he works a 14 hour day, he comes home and cooks, does laundry, and bathes the kids. On the weekends he doesn't allow me to lift a finger. The weekends are my time.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:03 PM Flag
    - Lulz
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 05:33 PM Flag
  - Weekends are great for this sort of thing. Sunday- Jewish MDs often work. As for the hairdresser, Saturday is good.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:04 PM Flag
  - Love the mobile hairdresser in my neighborhood. She comes to me. Maybe $10 more pricey than salon, but so worth it.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:16 PM Flag
  - If I couldn't go at night then DH would take some time off(for doctor not haircuts!)
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:28 PM Flag
  - Evenings, weekends or else DH will take a few hours off and/or work from home. And it's really only a short period of time that this is even an issue - once your youngest is in school, even if it's part time, you have time during the day.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:32 PM Flag
  - My mom babysits or I bring DB
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:50 PM Flag
  - My dh watches dcs during the day. When he needs to go to the dentist or another appointment, his dad, who works nearby, takes a few hours of personal time to watch them. Or he drops them off with a friend. Or I take the afternoon off. Why is that so hard to imagine? And why can't you understand that many people can't really afford a nanny?
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 05:56 PM Flag
    - Dear Most of the World,
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      12.03.11, 06:09 PM Flag
      - yes? Can I help you?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 06:10 PM Flag
      - How do you possibly get by without an army of servants. My heart bleeds for you poor unfortunates who have to raise your kids, work, do chores and have a life without any assistance.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 06:10 PM Flag
        
        it's actually pretty great. It's also a great feeling to not to feel entitled to anything or feel helpless when it comes to my children. And my dh is a former mechanic turned electrician (and general handyman around the house) so we don't really need help. It's liberating.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 06:18 PM Flag
    - Np: OP's not asking you. she's talking to the moms who can well afford sitters, but don't use them on principle.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.04.11, 02:04 AM Flag
  - I got my haircut 1x/year when the kids were very young. Ran the errands OP is describing only when kids were in school or some kind of program, or when dh was willing (which seldom occurred) to watch them. He's self employed is works all the friggin time. Believe me, now the kids are 6 and 4, in school a good 6 hrs/5days/week, I would NEVER go back to that punishing phase again. If I had another baby I'd be soooo depressed.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 06:56 PM Flag
  - Hair salons are actually open on Saturdays. I go to a local one; the whole shebang takes about 30-40 minutes. My husband is with the kids. Color hair at home. Dentist is twice a year and I have husband stay late that morning while I grab the earliest appointment. Have a pap smear and see the gynecologist. A healthy woman doesn't need that much more of a check-up once a year. I'm not a Martyr Mom, though. It's called How to Live in NYC on a Low Six Figure Income. And I'm also very intelligent. I think if I were a working mother or a mother with a nanny, I would have been able to figure out the answer to your question myself.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 07:00 PM Flag
    - Ugh. Sounds awful.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 10:17 PM Flag
[+] Anyone go on the Zofran pump for morning sickness? What was it like? Did it help? tia... 5 replies
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 02, 2011
- Anyone go on the Zofran pump for morning sickness? What was it like? Did it help? tia
  5 replies
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  General Topics
  12.02.11, 04:56 PM Flag ]
  - Good luck. I had nausea for the entire 9mo all day and night and my OB never gave it to me, I just went in every 3 days for ritalin via IV.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:02 PM Flag
    - why wouldn't ob give it to you?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:03 PM Flag
      - I have no idea she just said she would prefer to monitor my intake herself in a hospital.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 05:16 PM Flag
        
        I took zofran on and off for months 3-6 it gave me HORRRRRRIBLE constipation, but did take the edge off the nausea but didn't completely remove the nausea. However I had a prescription for pills not an IV
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 05:20 PM Flag
        
        OR: I had both zofran and ritalin pills but sometimes they both wouldn't work and I had to go in for IV's I am sooo glad that is over with I thought I would die. I complained here on UB often enough.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 05:28 PM Flag
[+] 28 week glucose test coming up: Anyone do an alternative to the sugar soda-- eg. sug... 19 replies
- Have granola-crunchy mom. I've literally never had Hawaiian punch. But the few times I taste orange soda, I actually did get sick and wasn't even preggers!...
- Drink it slowly and go in on a morning you feel ok. If I can do it anyone can....
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 02, 2011
- 28 week glucose test coming up: Anyone do an alternative to the sugar soda-- eg. sugar cubes, orange juice, jelly beans? Just the thought of the soda makes me queasy. Tell me what else you were allowed to use. THanks!
  19 replies
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  12.02.11, 04:21 PM Flag ]
  - that stuff is really not bad at all. Now the stuff you take for a colonoscopy - that stuff is revolting. Just suck it up - just tastes like super-sweet cool-aid. Make believe you're four again.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 04:24 PM Flag
    - Have granola-crunchy mom. I've literally never had Hawaiian punch. But the few times I taste orange soda, I actually did get sick and wasn't even preggers!
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      12.02.11, 04:28 PM Flag
  - It's not soda. It tastes like sweeter Gatorade. You will be fine
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    12.02.11, 04:28 PM Flag
  - It's not that bad. You can do it.
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    12.02.11, 04:31 PM Flag
  - If you really can't stomach it, you need to ask your doctor or nurse what an acceptable alternative is.
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    12.02.11, 04:33 PM Flag
  - gl
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    12.02.11, 04:48 PM Flag
  - Drink it slowly and go in on a morning you feel ok. If I can do it anyone can.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:08 PM Flag
    - np You're supposed to knock it back.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:11 PM Flag
      - Not if you are nauseous it would come right back out like a fountain if I did that. I had to pace myself.
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        12.02.11, 05:17 PM Flag
  - I opted out of this. I am skinny, have no family or personal history of Diabetes, gained only 18 lbs through entire pregnancy and eat a low glycemic diet anyways. Just the thought of drink that made me queasy. Tlk to ur dr and see if it's really nec for you.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:21 PM Flag
    - Lol this was me and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Don't skip the test OP because you never know. I had to go on insulin to regulate my sugar please do not skip no matter how healthy you think you are.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 06:08 PM Flag
    - You sound demented. As the other poster mentions - GD has nothing to do w/ your weight and can happen to anyone. I get that everyone is different -but it's very odd for a skinny person to only gain 18 lbs. w/ a pregnancy. All of my skinny friends and family gained the most weight - 40-60lbs. (and all went right back to normal after) My mom was 100 lbs. and gained 50 w/ me and 60 w/ my brother - all came right off within 2-3 months.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 06:39 PM Flag
      - It's not odd, I had a healthy 6.5 lb DD. I just continued to be healthy (food and exercise) through my pregnancy, I was always naturally thin and health-conscious. I think that some women who struggled yo be thin before pregnancy use pregnancy as the opportunity to indulge and so they gain a lot of weight. Everyone is diff. I had no desire to pack on 40-69 lbs, totally unecessary I think and I would hate the way it looked and felt I'm sure! I liked leaving the hospital in my pre preg jeans and having a fun summer with my baby on the beach instead of dieting the whole summer!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 08:59 PM Flag
      - Yes, GD CAN happen to anyone, but it is rare for very thin ppl with no history, symptoms, etc... The point is that you don't have to blindly take every test, medication, etc... Use your common sense and be informed.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:02 PM Flag
    - She's not demented you rude bitch, she just made a personal choice. Do you know that this test has one of the highest rates of false positives of all preg tests - many women falsely test positive to this initial drink test and then have to go through multiple other more invasive tests just to find out if the drink test was wrong.... Drs cover their asses by uniformly administering this test to all bc it can't harm the mom or baby and is therefore easier FOR the dr to do to avoid malpractice claims than it would be to assess the patient on a case by case basis and possibly be wrong in the rare case where a thin healthy o
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 09:08 PM Flag
      - ^^ woman has it. If you don't mind taking the test and are aware that you may have to endure the pain and stress of a false positive result than take the test. But if it is highly unlikely that you have it, you may want to weigh the pros and cons.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:10 PM Flag
  - You have to drink it all in 5 ,minutes. Not so bad.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:48 PM Flag
  - Just chug it so you don't have to taste it. It really isn't bad.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 09:08 PM Flag
  - Seriously - with all of the things you will endure during pregnancy and childbirth, this test is the LEAST of your worries. People are very overdramatic with this silly little test.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 06:43 AM Flag
[+] Just curious and wondering if someone can explain. If you're a SAHM, why do you need ... 206 replies
- afford it and it gives my flexibility. I use her a lot for evenings or if one is sick so I don't have to schlep the sick kid around town....
- Here is a gener example of my day today and it was pretty relaxed bc nobody had morning activities: wake-up and give DCs (1 & 3) b-fast, play w DCs (while housekeeper cleans),...
Talk :
- General Topics
: December 02, 2011
- Just curious and wondering if someone can explain. If you're a SAHM, why do you need a FT nanny or help? Is it because you live in the city and it's hard to get around? Or do you do volunteer work? Not trying to be mean, just would like to know.
  206 replies
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  12.02.11, 01:31 PM Flag ]
  - I have one BC I can afford it and it gives my flexibility. I use her a lot for evenings or if one is sick so I don't have to schlep the sick kid around town.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:35 PM Flag
    - Why for evenings? What do you mean by flexibility? So you can run errands, etc?
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      12.02.11, 01:36 PM Flag
      - np: if you only have a sitter on Tuesday and Thursdays, then you have to schedule all your errands and activities on those days. so if a friend says "hey i'm in town or i have the day off or i have tickets to a matinee" or whatever on a Wednesday, you're scrambling for childcare, often at the last minute. or some nannies will work a varying schedule every week - some days and some evenings depending on your needs as long as you're paying htem FT. so that way if you have plans one week on 2 evenings, you can give up childcare during the day so you don't have to get another sitter those evenings. this is something that people who have the money to afford it do.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 01:47 PM Flag
        
        Okay, but isn't the point of being a sahm is to raise your children. If you work at a job, it's not like you can just run off to meet a friend? Is scheduling 2 days of errands difficult?
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        12.02.11, 01:50 PM Flag
        
        do you really think the parent in the scenario above isn't raising her children? it's just easier, and rich people can afford to have it easier.
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        12.02.11, 01:56 PM Flag
        
        Well, if you choose to be a SAHM, but you're off having lunch, meeting friends, having someone prepare lunch for your children, doing the cooking, etc. How is this fully being a SAHM when you're there 1/2 the time? It's definitely a life of luxury for sure.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:03 PM Flag
        
        someone posted below about her day w/ a 1 yo and a 3 yo and a nanny. the mom wasn't out lunching and being with friends all day. she was with one child or both all day, and there is nothing luxurious about it.
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        12.02.11, 02:14 PM Flag
        
        Having help for 8 hrs+ a day is luxury... Just because you have a 1 and 3 year old? I know plenty of moms who do this on their own.
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        12.02.11, 02:31 PM Flag
        
        ok it's a luxury. and yes, many women don't do it. but to say that the ones who do it are not fully sahm's or not raising their own children is hogwash.
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        12.02.11, 02:33 PM Flag
        
        Well, they have it pretty easy. They're still not "fully" SAHM's though.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:43 PM Flag
        
        it's all semantics from here. i believe that we are all fully moms.
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        12.02.11, 02:45 PM Flag
        
        With lots of "help."
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:46 PM Flag
        
        i believe she said a friend came to town and asked her for lunch - how is this being there 1/2 the time? seriously, just admit you have a chip on your shoulder which is what this whole stupid argument is about.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 05:59 PM Flag
        
        but being a sahm is more akin to being self-employed or freelance - you make your own schedule and are free to meet a friend for lunch. but it's more like having the nanny "on call" - she's there whenever you need her, even if she's not actually working the whole time.
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        12.02.11, 02:01 PM Flag
        
        No, but these women don't want to WOH and they don't want to raise their children.
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        12.02.11, 02:09 PM Flag
        
        very very few women do not want to raise their children. not everyone wants the insanity of doing it 24/7 ever single day.
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        12.02.11, 02:14 PM Flag
        
        Babies/toddlers nap, number one. What about the dads?
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        12.02.11, 02:52 PM Flag
        
        What about them? Most work full-time. Many work some weekends. For those dads, I'm sure they want to come home to a good meal and have some fun with their children before bed. No one wants to be elbows deep in dishes, baby shit, and unfolded laundry. People run their household as to what works best for their families. If a full-time nanny or 24 hour grandmother helps them have a peaceful, functional, healthy household, so be it.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:03 PM Flag
        
        So you can't cook if you're a SAHM? Dishwasher? To each their own, yes, but it's still the wimpy way out.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:12 PM Flag
        
        What are you talking about? My train of thought was regarding they dad. Where did I say anything about a SAHM not cooking? And, not every apartment, if the family lives in an apartment is set up to have a dishwasher. There are still buildings in the 5 boroughs where luxuries like a dishwasher are not allowed.
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        12.02.11, 03:17 PM Flag
        
        So the dads can't help with dishes once in awhile? What are they morons after work or something?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:19 PM Flag
        
        Where did I say this in my post? People should run their household in the way that is best for their families. It's not about being a moron if a husband or wife (to be inclusive of SAHD) doesn't want to do dishes after working a 12 hour day job.
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        12.02.11, 03:25 PM Flag
        
        They could though. No need to hire help.
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        12.02.11, 03:29 PM Flag
        
        No need not to either.
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        12.02.11, 03:31 PM Flag
        
        Douche post alert.
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        12.02.11, 02:29 PM Flag
        
        ita... "not trying to be mean..." lol
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 09:23 AM Flag
        
        The same way WOHMs are raising theirs.
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        12.02.11, 03:41 PM Flag
        
        You sound entitled. In life people give up going to luxurious places like the matinee. Just because you can afford a nanny doesn't mean you should hire one. Learn to sacrifice.
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        12.02.11, 02:56 PM Flag
      - I'm a single mom, so I go out a lot at night. If I'm staying in or if I have dr spots she works about 7-7. If I go out, she might work 3-12. I usually give her notice, but she is VERY flexible and I pay her well. She was our housekeeper before dc, so she also does some housekeeping, laundry, cooking, etc. She also does a lot of the errands. I do try to be with my kids when I can, and get one on one time with each.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 01:55 PM Flag
        
        I totally underestand a single mom who works needing a nanny. Sounds like you have a nice schedule.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 01:58 PM Flag
  - Someone needs to watch the kids while I fuck my brains out during the day ...
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:36 PM Flag
    - Classy, lame answer... Couldn't come up with something better?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 01:43 PM Flag
  - Unless I have four kids, it's really because I have no intention of ever actually doing any work.
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    12.02.11, 01:39 PM Flag
  - Huge difference between FT vs "help". Anybody could use a few hrs of help a week if the kids aren't in school. For FT, to make it easier to juggle all the extra-curricular activities (often conflicting schedules), to spend quality time with one at a time, etc.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:40 PM Flag
  - I think for those who can afford it, it is a lot easier to find a good FT nanny bc most nannies want FT work. Once you're paying her for 45 hours/week, then you don't have to worry about cobbling together babysitting every week. Allows for spontaneity and 1:1 time with each child if you have more than 1. I know very few SAHMs who have FT help and 1 db, past the early months. The couple I know usually are very socially active and/or volunteer a lot or have super demanding dh's.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:43 PM Flag
    - So being socially active requires a nanny?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 01:45 PM Flag
      - for certain women, leading a certain life, it does. who am i to begrudge a mom who wants to know that if she gets invited to lunch, she can go and not worry about finding a sitter for her toddler. why is that such a big deal? i have no horse in this race - i woh ft and look forward to the day i can remove the ft nanny line item from my budget, but that's MY situation, not someone elses.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 01:48 PM Flag
        
        I don't begrudge a SAHP with full-time help who also spends tons of time out of the home UNTIL said SAHP implies that parents who work full-time are somehow not raising their children. Other than that, I totally get it: much child-related work is exhausting drudgery. We all need a break.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:02 PM Flag
        
        Apparently the SAHMs with nannies need A LOT of breaks.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:20 PM Flag
      - np: being active at anything except being a parent requires a babysitter. when you sign on to become a parent, you don't have to give up every other thing. let's say you are into yoga and you want to have a daily practice. yoga is an hour and a half, you have to get there and come home. that's half the day already and you need a nanny for that.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:02 PM Flag
        
        1/2 the day? 2 1/2 hours tops.
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        12.02.11, 02:05 PM Flag
        
        my point is just that if you have even one interest, you're gonna need help.
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        12.02.11, 02:15 PM Flag
        
        True, but 35 or 40 hr a week help?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:31 PM Flag
        
        i've never had that much help, but i have friends who do. they're not gone all day long, they're gone a little, home a lot, have an extra set of hands, and have flexibility. let's say you want to go out with your husband twice a week, you do the yoga above, and you need some time for doctor appointments, and being with one kid at a time. it adds up
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:36 PM Flag
        
        I understand when you need to go grocery shopping, have a date night, enjoying yoga, etc. But come on, helping with lunch, naps etc. Totally doable without help.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:46 PM Flag
  - I'm bored, I'll bite. I don't "need" it, but it's great to have a sitter so I can leave the house when dc naps. If I could afford a full-time nanny I'd have one. It's always great to have another pair of hands. Also, I've a sitter who i like personally, and who knows and does things i don't (like kids songs). I enjoy dc more when I can fully attend to them, am not interrupting play or meals or chats to take care of business of life. Sitter & I put lunch out together, I put dc down for naps while she cleans up in kitchen, and I escape for a couple of hours. If dc wake up before I return, she plays with them. They really like her. If I could do that every day I absolutely would.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:44 PM Flag
  - I have friends with FT nannies. if you have two or more children, it means you can be with kids one-on-one, so you're not "getting out" of 24-7 parenting.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 01:46 PM Flag
    - and even if you have a full time nanny, you're still the mom, and you're still putting the child to bed, and with the kid 24-7 on the nanny's off days.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 01:48 PM Flag
  - You don't "need" ft help if you stay at home. It's a luxury, pure and simple. And lots of NYC moms can afford it, so why not? Live and let live.
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    12.02.11, 01:50 PM Flag
    - Are lots of NYC dads massive idiots?
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      12.02.11, 01:55 PM Flag
      - No, but many of them want their wives to be happy, and not stressed out with 24/7 childcare and housework. And to many, the expense is not an issue. Happy wife, happy life - as they say. What is so confusing about that?
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        12.02.11, 02:13 PM Flag
        
        Because it's a life of luxury. People can raise children without nannies.
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        12.02.11, 02:16 PM Flag
        
        nobody is saying the opposite. no, an SAHM does not need an f/t nanny. yes, its a luxury. but so are a lot of things.
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        12.02.11, 02:19 PM Flag
        
        of course they can do it without nannies, but they can afford it and they want it. nobody needs a prada purse, or a nice car, or even a flat screen tv. we all make choices. the woman below is not living a life of luxury. she's there for every meal, and puts her kids to bed, and is with one kid or both all day long. she just has another set of hands, as would any mother who has her own mother around to help.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:20 PM Flag
        
        You hit the daily double.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:24 PM Flag
        
        what do you mean?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:25 PM Flag
        
        I agree with the poster.
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        12.02.11, 02:35 PM Flag
        
        oh, thanks!
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        12.02.11, 02:37 PM Flag
        
        LOL, I'd like to see you explain to my mother (or my grandmother) how two DC require the FT attention of not one, but two adults.
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        12.02.11, 02:24 PM Flag
        
        i didn't say two dc "require" two adults. it's just easier. and easier doesn't mean you're not a parent.
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        12.02.11, 02:26 PM Flag
        
        A parent with too many needs and wants.
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        12.02.11, 02:49 PM Flag
        
        Where do you see this in any post, troll?
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        12.02.11, 03:05 PM Flag
        
        Um figure it out, genius.
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        12.02.11, 03:16 PM Flag
        
        I see. Just making shit up to bash the choices of others. Gotta love women. We turn on each other so easily.
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        12.02.11, 03:29 PM Flag
        
        It makes the SAHMs who are really working everyday look bad. Seriously, raising kids with someone there 40 hrs a week is so unnecessary. It's a lifestyle choice but a spoiled one.
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        12.02.11, 03:32 PM Flag
        
        Right. I see. The SAHMs who do it without help are the ones seriously raising their kids. Everyone else is just playing. You hear that WOHMs. Y'all just play, play moms. You can always count on women like OP to bash other women.
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        12.02.11, 03:43 PM Flag
        
        The WOHMs have a reason to hire a nanny.
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        12.02.11, 03:48 PM Flag
        
        Oh. Must have a good reason. Give us your full list of rules to live including exceptions so that we too can be superior beings.
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        12.02.11, 03:50 PM Flag
        
        Okay, mama. Calm down. just because you're too precious to do things on your own doesn't mean you need to get defensive.
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        12.02.11, 03:54 PM Flag
        
        Excellent response
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        12.02.11, 04:26 PM Flag
        
        nobody is saying its required. of course you can do without.
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        12.02.11, 02:27 PM Flag
        
        np: If your mother is as judgmental as the daughter she raised, no thanks.
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        12.02.11, 02:28 PM Flag
        
        The poster didn't say this and you know it. And, grandmothers and aunts and even great-grandmothers help out with the care of small children and assisting moms. For some it's part of the cultural norm for others it's part of their family dynamic. I see nothing wrong with having an extra pair of hands to help, whether those hands are full or part-time, paid or family gratis.
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        12.02.11, 02:33 PM Flag
        
        Spend one day in my house, and you will see.
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        12.02.11, 04:49 PM Flag
        
        How is it not a life of luxury when all these things can be done without paying for extra hands?
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        12.02.11, 02:49 PM Flag
        
        is anyone disagreeing with this point? yes, its a luxury.
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        12.02.11, 02:52 PM Flag
        
        Person above said it's not.
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        12.02.11, 02:53 PM Flag
        
        she said that particular mom was not living a very luxurious life. i don't think anyone has argued that f/t nannies for SAHM's are needed. Its a nice thing to have, but so is a giant TV or an ipad or an SUV.
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        12.02.11, 02:57 PM Flag
        
        Where? I've have not read one post which said or even implied that a SAHM having a full-time nanny isn't a luxury. It is indeed a luxury, however, no one cares and no one believes that the mom isn't raising her children.
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        12.02.11, 02:57 PM Flag
        
        Because god forbid the little lady gets stressed out!
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        12.02.11, 02:21 PM Flag
      - You obviously don't live in NYC. Most dads in NYC, especially the wealthy ones, are working 80+hours a week, sometimes traveling and have little time at home. So, when they are at home, they are spending time with their kids and do not want to be tied up with doing laundry. You know, many if these guys worked very hard to get where they are and many are kind and thoughtful-they just have demanding jobs that even require responding to emails in the middle of the night. I know it sounds like I am a dad or one of these SAHMs, but I am not. I am a SAHM with 2 kids who did not have a sitter for 1minute until my first was 17months old. I am very hands on, and can say that FT SAHM workload is not for everyone; it requires a great deal of energy and alone time with babies that can drive many type-A former workaholic ivy league chicks bonkers in a matter of months. It is something that often drives me to the edge, but I would have it no other way. I can, however, understand why some get FT nannies. Especially when they have 3 under 5.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:07 PM Flag
        
        ^ and most do not have family close by. Huge difference when you have not a single family member who you can trust with your DB. It requires finding someone you trust implicitly- not just any old babysitter but someone with experience with babies. Believe me, I did not have a sitter for such a long time for this precise reason. People who babysit 3month olds do not grow on trees in this city- they 'nanny'. If you want someone like this, you need to hire them for a dedicated amount of time per week.
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        12.02.11, 06:13 PM Flag
      - Np: no, just overpaid, and buying their way out the unpaid work of parenting. Kids exist simply to adore them. When hanging out, playing with dc gets tedious, dh is free to check out.
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        12.02.11, 10:00 PM Flag
  - There is a myth that people with nannies are not parents. I think we can all agree that being a mother is really challenging. In other cultures, children are raised by parents, extended family, and community. This is not the norm here. So some people choose to have another set of hands for 40 hours a week (still a fraction of parenting time) and sometimes the mother is home, other times the mother is out doing stuff. Stuff can include anything from going to the market to volunteering to spending time with a child one-on-one to just sitting at Starbucks and having some time alone. Or you can juggle the hours and go out with your husband a couple of times a week, and have the usual sitter covering.
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    12.02.11, 01:55 PM Flag
  - Is it awkward having someone else in your home for 9 hrs or so a day?
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    12.02.11, 01:56 PM Flag
    - i think so, that's why i never had f/t help, and kept the p/t help to a minimum.
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      12.02.11, 01:58 PM Flag
    - Yes, it's a constant struggle to make sure the nanny understands you're the real mother and the boss, and she's just the help. You end up having to fire a lot of people.
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      12.02.11, 02:01 PM Flag
    - Not if you're never home because you're off at the spa or lunching with the girls.
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      12.02.11, 02:12 PM Flag
    - depends on you and them, i'd say. I also think a lot of people pay for f/t to have the availability but give the nanny a lot of time off.I know wen i was on maternity leave that was what happened.
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      12.02.11, 02:25 PM Flag
  - Here is a gener example of my day today and it was pretty relaxed bc nobody had morning activities: wake-up and give DCs (1 & 3) b-fast, play w DCs (while housekeeper cleans), take shower (nanny watches DCs), more playtime then feed DCs lunch (nanny is nearby in kitchen doing other food prep while I give lunch), 1 yo goes for nap (nanny stays home/ has her lunch) and I take 3yo to preschool, back home for a bit while 3yo at school and 1yo wakes-up, if warm take 1yo to pick up 3yo but cOld today so leave younger home, meet 1yo and nanny at store, shop together and home before dinner.I will feed dinner then I do bath/bed 1yo while nanny has 3yo, then batch/bed for 3yo
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    12.02.11, 02:01 PM Flag
    - ^^^nanny/housekeeper is same person. Great w kids and Also great cook.
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      12.02.11, 02:03 PM Flag
      - Sounds good. It's def a luxury though because I know moms who SAHM with 3 kids and do all this by themselves. Maybe swap kids here and there? Or hire an occasional sitter for a few hrs a week.
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        12.02.11, 02:10 PM Flag
      - this is a perfect example. you don't sound like you "don't want to raise" your own children. i don't know why this is so hard for people to understand.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 02:17 PM Flag
        
        Because said people are doing the exact same thing, minus the nanny/housekeeper?
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        12.02.11, 02:20 PM Flag
        
        and other people are living in huts. you're just a different degree of lucky.
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        12.02.11, 02:21 PM Flag
        
        ^^ listen, i can afford a full time housekeeper and a full time nanny, and i have neither. but i'm not going to bash someone who has one or both. and i'm certainly not going to say they aren't full, card carrying mommies.
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        12.02.11, 02:23 PM Flag
  - I have FT help because I am out of work and still looking for work. Do not want to go through the whole nanny search again after I will find a new job.
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    12.02.11, 02:05 PM Flag
  - You must either be an idiot or jealous to not see how a FT Nanny would make any moms life less stressful.
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    12.02.11, 02:55 PM Flag
    - Typical answer from someone like you. I know SAHM's that do it all by themselves and aren't dying of stress or what not. It just sounds like the FT nanny SAHMs need/want a lot more than the average person. High maintenance?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:00 PM Flag
      - is it just nannies that get your goat? what about house cleaners? having your dinner delivered? sending the laundry out? dog walkers? having the groceries delivered? all are replacing work that you could do for yourself. everyone draws the line differently.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:03 PM Flag
        
        OP does everything for her children. She grows her own food, sews their clothes, home schools her children, lives without running water or lights and taught her baby how to squat down in hole to take a shit at 6 weeks so she can live without the luxury of diapers.
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        12.02.11, 03:11 PM Flag
        
        Oh please, stretching much? Just becaue you're high maintenance and "need" all these extra sets of hands, lunches with the girls, your yoga, someone please help me make lunch for my children, etc. doesn't mean you need to bash the moms who actually do work.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:16 PM Flag
        
        You mean the way you're bashing moms who can afford and avail themselves of full-time household help?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:19 PM Flag
        
        Just saying a mom who needs FULL time help while at home probably is a)high maintenance or b) spoiled.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:22 PM Flag
        
        Every asshole has opinion.
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        12.02.11, 03:26 PM Flag
        
        Some people actually admit they're spoiled and/or high maintenance. It's not a major bash. Not an opinion, just a fact.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:33 PM Flag
        
        It's a fact for those people.
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        12.02.11, 03:39 PM Flag
        
        Um yes, I have friends who admit they're spoiled. It's the SAHMs with 40 hr a week help who don't.
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        12.02.11, 03:42 PM Flag
        
        Well I guess it's a fact you're a fucktard. Since everyone on UB thinks you're a fucktard.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:45 PM Flag
        
        With that language and juvenileness, I rest my case. Have no comment.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:50 PM Flag
        
        The superior being is offended by someone else making a choice different from her own.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:51 PM Flag
        
        Um, your use of words is ridiculously childish and ignorant. But you're the "superior" one because you need a someone at your service so you can do what exactly?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:58 PM Flag
        
        Superior being, it's clear that it's your way or no way. So please give us spoiled, lazy people your rules to live by.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:03 PM Flag
        
        Get over yourself. It's okay to admit that you're high maintenance, spoiled, one that needs a lot of help. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just the way some people are.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:07 PM Flag
        
        As soon as you admit you're a fucktard.
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        12.02.11, 04:10 PM Flag
        
        Are you really a mother? Who uses that language?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:19 PM Flag
        
        Are you really a mother. Who is this judgemental?
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        12.02.11, 09:21 PM Flag
      - They can afford it. You can't. Too bad, so sad.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:08 PM Flag
        
        I totally can x2 but don't see the reason for it.
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        12.02.11, 03:13 PM Flag
        
        Yeah, right. You're just another broke chick, with a broke husband trying to make yourself feel superior by bashing the choices of others.
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        12.02.11, 03:21 PM Flag
        
        Ha, you wish. DH makes 1.1mm per year. And i dont care if you believe me or not. Just because you have the money, doesn't mean you must have luxury after luxury. What is that teaching your children? Mommy doesnt want to cook lunch or dinner, so we just hire people to do it for us... Have your breaks, but excess usually isn't necessary. I met a few SAHMs w/ a lot of help in this city and they try to explain, justify, convince themselves that they NEED all this help. I don't even ask them.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:39 PM Flag
        
        Sure, Miss Cellie.
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        12.02.11, 03:48 PM Flag
        
        ?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:50 PM Flag
        
        i can afford full time nannies and housekeepers and all the rest, and I have chosen, as you have, not to have f/t help. what i haven't chosen to do is judge people who make other choices.
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        12.02.11, 06:04 PM Flag
        
        Oh the judgement card! Love it.
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        12.02.11, 06:06 PM Flag
  - I grew up with four full time servants at home and yes I still thinks my mom did a great job raising me.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:14 PM Flag
    - ^^^^ 1. Cook, 2. Gardner and watchman 3. Cleaning and laundry and the fourth one to follow me around out of the house.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:16 PM Flag
      - ^^^ My mom thinks bad for me that I have only one FT person to help me out.
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        12.02.11, 03:17 PM Flag
      - Oh vey
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:17 PM Flag
  - I'm trying to imagine the reactions I would get if I explained that my DH, a FT SAHD, also has a FT nanny so he can go to the gym and play video games. Pretty sure the prevailing view would NOT be "more power to him - he's an amazing dad" or "happy husband happy life".
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:29 PM Flag
    - Maybe you should stop caring about another's reaction as to how you live your life and run your household. If 2 adults are in agreement on to use outside, non-relative help on a full-time basis, it's no skin off my teeth.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:35 PM Flag
    - Really? Is this a joke?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:39 PM Flag
      - Why do you think it's a joke? It doesn't sound like an excellent arrangement that is benefiting our whole family?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 03:58 PM Flag
        
        Lol!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:12 PM Flag
    - Good point!
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      12.02.11, 03:42 PM Flag
    - Absent severe depression, it's not likely a woman who wasnt financially set would be sitting on her ass, paying help. Neither the sahms w/ help nor their dh's will be spending their final years in city nursing homes. DC's college, hell their weddings and down payments, are probably fully funded. By all means OR keep your man, I'm assuming he fulfils other needs. But if you're going to do that, best be getting PAID like one.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 09:50 PM Flag
  - They're lazy. That's why they're unemployed.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:31 PM Flag
  - Cousin had a FT nanny for 5 or 6 years, starting when she had newborn twins, a 2 y/o and a 4 y/o. Without help, the twins would have spent the first 3 years of their lives in car seats or strollers, getting dragged around with their older siblings and the older siblings wouldn't have had any time with their mother without the twins. With a nanny, she could take the older DCs places while the twins napped in their cribs or had the nanny take the older DCs to school or to playdates while she spent time with the twins. She stayed sane while having 4 DCs in under 5 years. The DCs are now 17, 15 and 13 - cousin went back to work PT 3 years ago and they haven't had help (other than a weekly cleaning person) in a long time.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:45 PM Flag
  - Apparently, the easiest way to get a SAHM to passionately defend WOHMs is to question why she needs a FT nanny. Suddenly, acceptable parenting is not a 24/7 endeavor but can be achieved by making a brief appearance after work and/or yoga, but before bedtime.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:49 PM Flag
    - Lol!
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      12.02.11, 03:51 PM Flag
    - Theres a difference with providing for your children and having full-time help so you can go live the life you had pre baby.
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      12.02.11, 03:53 PM Flag
    - Funny. Tee. Hee. I'll defend someone's choice as long as no children or furry animals were harmed in the making. It sickens me that we (women in general) are so quick to turn on each other, whether it's the use of formula, nannies, or epidurals. I honestly do not worry about the women who have freedom of choice. I worry about the women who don't, who live under threat of rape, physical abuse, murder, or extreme poverty. I don't begrudge another woman's freedom of choice just because I would choose something different.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:58 PM Flag
      - I bow down to you, oh wise one.
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        12.02.11, 03:59 PM Flag
  - Prior generations always had family around to pitch it, give relief, etc. We no longer have that so we hire people. No one implied my mother was "lazy" or "negligent" because my grandmother spent 1/2 of each in our household.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 03:52 PM Flag
    - Do you remember how food came? How much laundry fit into a machine? How well dryers worked? How much sewing people did?
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 03:55 PM Flag
      - What?
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:02 PM Flag
      - Trust me, my grandmother was not doing housework!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:02 PM Flag
        
        Mine neither. But my gf didn't work either. They were wealthy.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:08 PM Flag
    - Family wasn't helping 10 hrs a day though. They too had kids to raise.
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      12.02.11, 03:56 PM Flag
  - Because if you are not a martyr then you aren't being a good mother.
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    12.02.11, 03:56 PM Flag
    - Martyr? Oh c'mon... Some people are high maintenance, some aren't. Don't know why this is such a bad thing.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 04:01 PM Flag
    - I think the martyrs here are the men that actually finance this BS. And, trust me, they know it.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 04:02 PM Flag
      - Lol. Right on all counts.
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        12.02.11, 04:09 PM Flag
      - They too have the choice to live this lifestyle or not. No one is dragging this men to the altar and no one is holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to pay a nanny.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:10 PM Flag
        
        Remember that when they exercise that choice and leave.
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        12.02.11, 04:11 PM Flag
        
        So what? I don't believe a husband is the end all be all to life. I certainly don't cling to a man or rearrange my beliefs or thinking just to keep him. If a man doesn't like how I manage my household, there's the door.....bye. You seem to believe that thinking that in order to keep your man you must keep your job. Enjoy. But don't think for one second that wiping up your own baby's shit is going to keep him with you if he wants to stray or leave altogether.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:08 PM Flag
        
        I agree. Last time I checked everyone from CEO moms to pampered moms to athlete moms to supermodel moms had husbands trade them in for younger models. OPs husband could have one foot out the door.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:11 PM Flag
        
        Keep telling yourself that.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 07:29 PM Flag
      - 800 bucks per week, plus travel, vacation time, transportation... I'm sure they love slaving at their jobs to pay for this so their wives can, uh, go to yoga class and have lunch with their gal pals.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 04:24 PM Flag
        
        Actually, mine does. Insisted on it. It's a drop in the bucket.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 06:58 PM Flag
    - Ding. If it's not full-time nannies, OP and her ilk would be complaining about formula-use. If not formula-use, it would be giving birth in a hospital.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 04:08 PM Flag
      - Trying to make yourself feel better?
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        12.02.11, 04:21 PM Flag
        
        Feel better about what. I work. My mom works. My nana worked as a nurse. Her mother worked in the fields and her mother was a slave and I still support women in making choices that work for their families. Their choices have nothing to do with how I manage my household. Just as long as no children or fuzzy animals are harmed in the making. If a full-time nanny and a barge full of Similac makes for a functional, happy household, I'll let my flag fly for ya.
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        12.02.11, 08:57 PM Flag
  - I'd love to have a nanny! Frankly, I think a lot of this interest comes from women who are jealous.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 04:03 PM Flag
  - Mothering today is a lonely business. Who wouldn't want to have another woman around if they could afford it. Also, in many instances, the wife is a major part of the husband's career...travel, entertainment, et al.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 04:12 PM Flag
    - I can't believe people still trot out this lie. No, she is not.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 04:14 PM Flag
  - SAHM here, and I don't have a FT (nor could I afford one), but really...so what? So many women complain how being a SAHM is the "hardest job out there" -- so why shouldn't they have a full-time assistant? Everyone from middle managers to CEO's have them in the business world, so why not for this job? If you truly can't understand this, you are not thinking hard enough, or just never had the SAHM experience.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 04:30 PM Flag
  - Two words: quality time. It is much easier to give your DC's your full attention if you are not distracted by details. If you have someone who takes care of basic chores around the house, but is also qualified and willing to babysit for you when something comes up, that is the best of all worlds.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 04:47 PM Flag
    - Sooo most SAHMs don't have quality time? Maybe they prioritize really well.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 04:50 PM Flag
      - That is a silly comment. Quality time is good. More quality time is better. I am not judging what is possible for all other SAHM's, just stating the obvious; but nice attempt at triangulation.
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        12.02.11, 05:07 PM Flag
        
        Eh...
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        12.02.11, 05:16 PM Flag
    - See "the easiest way to get a SAHM . . ." above
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:11 PM Flag
  - A lot of SAHM of the very wealthy and social set don't have a ton of free time. No, they might not get paid, but they are on boards and do all sorts of charity work. Always on the go. I would think it's difficult to chair an annual gala when you are the one home making all the lunches...
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:14 PM Flag
    - SAHM with ft nanny and this comment made me want to barf. Chairing an 'annual gala' isn't actually that much work. Just requires $$. (and I don't need to justify my existence or staffing needs)
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:40 PM Flag
      - Do you think? DH and I both work in non-profits with boards and the women - technically "SAHMs" - who chair the committees and hold offices, sometimes at multiple cultural institutions, essentially have jobs they just don't get paid for. Lots of it is dressing up and socializing, sure, but it still seems like a lot of obligations outside the home which would require you to have help. But then again, I guess most of this set has older children so maybe it doesn't apply.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:00 PM Flag
  - This talks about SAHMs on the UWS - http://www.lollitot.com/blog/stay-at-home-moms-of-the-upper-west-side/stay-at-home-moms-of-the-upper-west-side-7 It seemed pretty truthful to me - Ugh dear OP try staying home with 3 small children! Trust me, you would take an extra set of hands and you would still be working a lot harder and longer than an office job.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:43 PM Flag
    - I know moms who are stay at home moms of 3 without nannies... Pls ladies, get a grip!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:55 PM Flag
      - And what is your point? That everyone should do it their way because they are they are right and everyone else is wrong.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:00 PM Flag
  - A FT nanny is a very nice luxury. It's a choice you make on how to spend your money to make your life better. Why do you own a car when you could take a bus or subway everywhere? And why do you own an expensive car and not just the cheapest automobile made? You make a choice. Why do you buy nice shoes, or jeans, or a coat? Why do you buy nice furniture and not just use a milk crate as a coffee table? Why do some people have 2 bedroom homes, or 3 BR, or 4BR? They can afford it and choose to make their lives more pleasant! What is so difficult to understand???
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:44 PM Flag
    - Material items vs someone helping you do your job is different.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:57 PM Flag
      - most would say that material items are a waste. help to do a good job raising your child- priceless!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 07:11 PM Flag
    - Plus it's nice for the kids to have a nice relaxed mom and an extra pair of hands
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:57 PM Flag
      - There are SAHMs that are relaxed without help. It depends on the person.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:07 PM Flag
        
        Choices!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:09 PM Flag
        
        Yes, thank you entitlement!
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:14 PM Flag
        
        I feel sorry for you if you don't have any luxuries or free time/help in your life. I have enough money for all I need and want. I enjoy my life. So sorry you begrudge me.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:43 PM Flag
        
        SAHM's with FT help are pretty conceited. Everyone doesn't want to be you nor are envious of you. I have free-time in my life. I don't want to live in excess because I see how people become, like yourself.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 06:51 PM Flag
        
        Generalize much? I'm not living in "excess" of what I can afford. You have no idea what I do.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 07:16 PM Flag
        
        i was totally backing the sahm with ft help thing, even though i can afford it and don't have f/t help. and then i read this. i don't begrudge you your choice to buy whatever the fuck you want. i begrudge you the condescension. so now i must amend my statements-- yes, some shams with ft help are indeed assholes
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 07:12 PM Flag
        
        So you change your opinion based on one voice? Just means you were full of ish from the start.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 08:50 PM Flag
        
        no, read the post. i didn't change my opinion on anything. i had previously assumed that the moms with ft help i was defending here weren't assholes. turns out at least one is an asshole, so i felt the need to clarify. (and the "shams" was auto spellcheck-- i meant sahms)
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.02.11, 09:03 PM Flag
  - I don't know if it's really all that crazy. I mean, my mother had four children, each of us two years apart, never had any help, and our home was always clean and we had a home-cooked meal every night. But if you look at families before WWII, most households consisted of multiple generations, so there was built-in help in the form of grandparents, aunts & uncles, and older siblings or cousins.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:48 PM Flag
    - Very true, most moms in NYC have no family help... it's very different of you ahve a sis or mom arund to help out
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 05:58 PM Flag
  - i have 3 dc's - twins and a toddler -- my dh travels a lot and for long periods of time. i need sitters so i can take my dd to school and pick her up -- also sometimes so i can cook because they are all very young and won't let me alone for a second. also, i have a sitter if i want to take all three out somewhere and my dh is out of town because i can't safely watch them all. i don't have a nanny but more babysitters.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 05:57 PM Flag
    - Hang in there.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 09:28 PM Flag
  - so they can get manicures, work out, play tennis and generally lead the good life.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 06:48 PM Flag
    - so lucky!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 07:09 PM Flag
  - The SAHMs I know who have FT help spend their days SoulCycling, decorating, go to the pilates instructor, and trolling Facebook. I'd love a life of luxury like that and I'm not trying to be snarky. Signed, WOHM.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 07:48 PM Flag
    - You live in a tiny circle in that case!
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 02:05 PM Flag
      - I'm only speaking of the SAHMs with FT help. Most SAHMs I know do not have any help.
        [ Reply | More ]
        12.03.11, 06:22 PM Flag
  - Have had comfy life all my life. Why stop? Just because you had few kids? I don't get it. Having a nanny doesn't mean you're handing over your parenting responsibility. Some people think no nanny equals better parenting. Absolutely not. You can have more quality time with your kids than spending time cleaning up all the mess kids made while kids are playing by themselves. If I can afford it, I would have a chef, housekeeper, personal trainer, ... etc. EVERYTHING.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.02.11, 08:40 PM Flag
    - I'd take a chef and personal trainer in a heartbeat. ~scratching off my lottery tickets~ And, boy do I wish I had a full-time nanny when we go on vacation.
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.02.11, 09:02 PM Flag
    - You never worked???
      [ Reply | More ]
      12.03.11, 07:30 PM Flag
  - The answer is simple, because they can afford to, whether you like it or not.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 02:04 PM Flag
  - my boss is a sahm and has a nanny, basically the nanny is there as set up and clean up person and the step in when she has to go out. But the Mrs. will play all day with the kids and nanny gets the pick up as well as setting out lunch so Mrs. can feed, nanny also gets diaper changing most times too. Why do the dirty work if you do not have to.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 02:09 PM Flag
  - I don't have help but only have one dc and work pt, but if I were to have another, I would definitely need a sitter or some sort of help for a few days a week. I think since there is a lot of walking, I would not want to wake baby from nap to pick up dc from activity or drop off etc. Also, would nice to have a few hours a week to run errands. I would not want someone full time but think pt would help my sanity and allow me to enjoy both children. That being said, personally, I would not want ft help if I was home full time. I also like my privacy and it is adding a different dynamic to your household.
    [ Reply | More ]
    12.03.11, 07:04 PM Flag

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Your search for "morning sickness" returned the following 17977 results:

[+] My 20yo DD was just told by her gyn that she has precancerous cells and will require ... 186 replies

Talk : General Topics : December 12, 2011

this post must be fake. yes?

Huh, what have you got to be pissed about?

Ok, I didn't finish explaining. We have a rule in our house that you do not stay the night at boyfriend/girlfriend's houses unless you are married. She knows this but decided to go against my wishes and called me at 10pm to say that she was going to stay the night at his apartment.

OMG, abnormal pap smears are a dime a dozen. Nearly every woman I have spoken to about it says that they have had one at some point in their life. I just didn't want my husband to hear cancer and then become panicked. He takes meds for anxiety and is easily stressed.

Not at all. I said nothing about coming home afterwards. I didn't even know that she was having the procedure since she didn't tell me.

I wonder why she didn't tell you, after hearing your deep concern for her. And would you have really said she could come right home afterwords? And be walking around all funny-like, in pain, and checking her bleeding every hour or two? What if precious DH noticed her pain?

That's interesting because when she's having her period no one notices, so this wouldn't have been any different.

Yes, having a cryo and having cervical cells scraped off with local anesthesia is JUST like having your period. Sorry, OP, signing off now. I'm going to call my mom and tell her how much I love her for actually caring about me.

I didn't equate the two except to say that having to change a pad every once in a while is not that big of a deal for a woman who is used to having a period.

Yes, that loving attitude of yours is likely why she chose to her boyfriend over you after her cryo.

She didn't give me a chance. She just went ahead with scheduling the appointment on her own.

I wonder why

Tell that to my aunt, who died of cervical cancer which was first noted on a pap smear.

And she was probably over the age of 40. Less than 3% of cervical cancer cases are for the under 40 set. Anyhow, these were PREcancerous cells. She doesn't have CANCER!

Well you will certainly find out after the cryo. I hope for your sake she doesn't. Afterall, it would be hard to keep that from your poor DH.

We already know! She doesn't have cancer!

You should be happy about this, not pissed off. Jeez, lady. I feel bad for your daughter.

I'm not pissed about her health, I'm annoyed that she stayed at her boyfriends place and then forced me to deal with the reprocussions.

She didn't force you to deal with anything. Why not just tell your DH the truth about where she stayed? You didn't have to lie. If he got mad, well, then he can get mad at her and she can explain to him why she felt uncomfortable coming home that weekend.

Because I told him where she was and he was pissed. He threatened to go over there and fight him. I had to tell him what was going on. A lot of drama I didn't need in my life.

Np: your poor kid. Hope the scare prompts her to take better care of herself, and she can figure out how to get FAR far away from you. Your main concern is that controlling bully of dh to know a 20yo is sexually active.

Um, taking care of yourself is not what prevents precancerous cells.

So then you caused the drama, not your daughter. Next time just say she was at a friend's house.

I'm not going to lie because my daughter chooses to ignore the rules of our house.

And she's not going to tiptoe around your DH's feelings when she is having a medical procedure and asked for the support of her mother and was denied that. So she went and got the support from someone else. Get over it.

But you were fine with having your daughter lie about her health... ok

What she did was force me into a situation where this whole thing blew up. It became this huge load of drama. So she got to be the center of attention just like she wanted.

She didn't force you to do a thing. You said "dont' tell DH about this". So she didn't. She handled it on her own, with her boyfriend, instead of with you and him, just like you wanted. You sound like you resent your daughter in a serious way.

Yes, she did. She knew what would happen if she didn't come home.

And if she did come home, and accidentally, mention her surgery from the morning, then she would have been in equal trouble.

Not at all. I would have been upset, but that's it. What happened, and I detailed below, was far worse.

Yeah youre right, it makes your husband look like an abusive loon.

I meant cervix, not uterus.

You are TERRIBLE! Way to make your DD's medical procedure about you, ASSHOLE!

How did I make this all about me? Abnormal pap smears are not out of the norm. She may have even been exaggerating the issue since she has a history of doing these things - like telling me that she had whopping cough two months ago when she was vax for pertussis ages ago.

Regardless of your stupid rule, what have you got to be pissed about? You forced your daughter to lie when she probably needed support and are upset that when trying to hide the lie she upset your husband. You are terrible and selfish as stated above.

I didn't force her to lie, I just asked her not to mention it to my husband. It's quite minor anyhow. No need to cause alarm.

Newsflash: sleeping over at a boyfriends house when you are 20 is quite minor as well.

I wasn't asking for your morals. Those are the rules at our house.

He's not my NEW husband. We've been married for 14 years. I have every right to be worried about him since he threatened to commit suicide last winter after his mother died. He is bipolar and very anxious. I didn't want to upset him over nothing.

That has nothing to do with your daughter and HER procedure. It was not nothing to YOUR DAUGHTER.

I thought his mom had been dead for 3 years? Now it's been less than a year? Get your story straight, you're worse than SIL-hater. Can we dub you daughter-hater?

Yes, she died 3 years ago, but he's been dealing with major depression since then. Last winter was another anniversary of her death and that's when he threatened suicide. The suicide was related to her death not some random depression related issue.

So no one in your family is allowed to be sick again until he gets better from his depression?

I think we should tread lightly with cancer talk and considering that the likelihood of anyone getting cancer is supremely low, it shouldn't be difficult.

Np: around what else do you "tread lightly"? I mean besides reality that dd is sexually active.

Yes, my husband is very old fashioned and doesn't want to know that she is sexually active.

Well, his mom got it, so it's not THAT low.

He also doesn't want to know about her precancerous cells. But that's life. It's not your DD's fault that your husband can't handle life.

His mom had LUNG cancer because she was a smoker NOT cervical cancer which is EXTREMELY rare in women under the age of 40.

If she actually had cancer, then obviously it's something the entire family would acknowledge and we'd work through it. She doesn't have cancer, though. She had precancerous cells, which means nothing.

Ok, I give up. Just don't come crying to us when your daughter never visits you. "Precancerous cells.. which means nothing". You sound so nurturing.

Yeah if she really had cancer then she'd be the center of attention, "just like she wants"

You do know that 70% of women receive abnormal pap smears that show precancerous cells? It's not rare at all and is easily taken care of.

So then why all the secrecy from your DH?

Because it would have caused him unnecessary anxiety.

Her procedure was minor and routine. She wasn't given any pain meds and was simply told to take 800mg of ibuprophen. Nothing would come back abnormal since the abnormal cells were taken out.

You know, you really are cold hearted. Did you even ask your daughter how she felt afterwords, or how she was feeling, or if she needed anything? Pregnancy and childbirth are routine as well, but I guarantee you were looking for a little bit of attention as you were pushing out an 8 pound baby.

No, I wasn't. I drove myself to the hospital, gave birth and then drove myself home. I am not a drama queen. Even so, I assumed that she is ok since she seems perfectly fine today. No problems whatsoever.

hahahahah ok, fake.

Did you actually ask her how she was feeling? Or were you worried your snowflake husband might over hear?

No, it's true. My ex-husband was cheating on me and didn't return my calls all day. I had to take myself to the hospital. I hope that my daughter has a better man in her life someday, so I wasn't meaning to imply that I think all women should go through what I went through.

But you don't think she needs moral support, and acknowledgment, of what is a very scary thing for her? You should be HAPPY that her boyfriend could give that to her when you were unwilling to.

She was overreacting. She just wanted to go over and have sex with her boyfriend.

You can't have sex for a while after a cryo. I want to say 2 weeks but could be wrong.

Have sex after having a cryo???? Please. You are crazier that your husband.

She has a tendency to dramatize health concerns for attention.

But you don't? You say your DH will commit suicide over her cryo. Get a grip.

I never said that he would commit suicide over it! I said that it would cause him unnecessary anxiety.

Please don't take your shitty experience out on your innocent daughter. It's not her fault you got a raw deal. Be kind to her.

Vaccines do wear off you know.

This lady is bullheaded. I dont think there is any getting through to her. The Pertussis vax requires a booster every ten years.

Having a cryo is PAINFUL! Regardless if she actually has cancer, a cryo is PAINFUL!! She needed help recovering and you told her not to bother getting help from her family. So she went to her boyfriend. No shit she did!

You are exaggerating. I called my doctor to ask her about the procedure and you just take 1600mg of ibuprophen afterwards. It's not a painful procedure. They numb you during it. You feel nothing.

I meant 800mgs, sorry. You know what I meant.

Sure, I obviously knew that 1600 was code for 800. Who wouldn't?

Lady, I hope your daughter never speaks to you again.

Talk :
General Topics
: December 12, 2011