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[+] When will I stop feeling like a poser who is going to be "caught" not being qualified... 29 replies
- Yep. Mom got pregnant w/ me, father wouldn't marry her. Grandparents moved (not far enough away), hid mom, concocted story she was working out of town. Her return coincided with them "adopting" a new baby (me). Mom told me the story at 6, said I could never tell, making me feel like the family's embarrassment. GParents die thinking I think they're my parents. Even weirder: 35 years later and 1,000 miles...
Talk : : December 13, 2011
When will I stop feeling like a poser who is going to be "caught" not being qualified for my job? I have a doctorate and tenure, why oh why do I still expect the rug to still be pulled out from under me?
29 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.13.11, 06:05 PM Flag ]I also have a doctorate and got tenure last year, and I often feel the same way.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:07 PM FlagOP I was asked to be part of a book project. The guy just asked for a writing sample and I'm terrified to give him anything that hasn't already been published (he wants something from my dissertation that I never published for various good reasons) and I'm scared.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:10 PM Flag
i used to have it too with my job, and now i actually have a lot of the same feelings being a new mom, feeling like a fraud. i went to a toy store today and was convinced that i would be asked to leave b/c what business did i have in a toy store. i totally get it.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:08 PM Flag-
I've always felt this way. I went to Harvard, and there was (literally) not a single day that passed that I didn't think there had been a giant mistake. I'm 36 now, and counsel at one of the world's largest law firms, and I still feel like a poser, and a secret loser. And, despite that, and having 2 beautiful children, and a husband who works all the time, I still feel like a failure because I'm overweight since having baby 2 about 7 months ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:23 PM Flag^^And, I'm worried that I'm passing my perfectionism on to my daughter. She saw a little video of Santa saying she's on the nice list tonight, and she choked up with tears. Like she thought she wasn't going to "make it." Jesus. She's 2.5.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:24 PM FlagOp just got out of the subway and the whole way I was thinking, is this the reason my dh gets annoyed when I try to explain or play down ds' accomplishments? He's called me on it probably every other day when someone compliments ds. Am I starting to instill this "you're not good enough" in him?
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:50 PM Flag
everybody I know feels this same way no matter what their background
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:23 PM FlagOp can anyone who feels they have this put a finger o. How/why it started for them?
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:52 PM FlagYep. Mom got pregnant w/ me, father wouldn't marry her. Grandparents moved (not far enough away), hid mom, concocted story she was working out of town. Her return coincided with them "adopting" a new baby (me). Mom told me the story at 6, said I could never tell, making me feel like the family's embarrassment. GParents die thinking I think they're my parents. Even weirder: 35 years later and 1,000 miles away, bio dad turns up in papers as molester, dies. Most weird: I learn I have 2 half-bros I don't know near me, one of whom used to work where I do.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 07:16 PM Flag
OMG--I didn't realize there were so many like me out there. I have Ph.D but work in a field outside of academic. I cannot believe that they let me make major policy decisions and firmly believed that if they new what an impostor I was they would ask me to leave the country for national security reasons.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:55 PM FlagThis is what shrinks are for. You can work it out if you have interest, time and $$. Read some erik erickson. Something went wrong in one of those stages of development.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 07:16 PM Flag
[+] I'm having an anxiety attack - I've been looking for a new nanny for months and we fi... 120 replies
- OP was thoughtful enough to give her a job. She didn't adopt the woman....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
I'm having an anxiety attack - I've been looking for a new nanny for months and we finally found one. Problem is I now have to let my current nanny go - and its just a few weeks before Christmas. She is live-in with no where to go. I am going to let her stay her until New Years and pay her severance plus her bonus that she would have received if not let go. But I think the whole thing is going to be quite awful. Any advice would be much appreciated.
120 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 05:50 PM Flag ]how old is she? does she really have *nowhere* to go? no family or friends that she could stay with?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:53 PM Flag-
ugh - what's worse is i can't tell her until the 21st. that's when i will know for sure that we are hiring the new person. i just feel horrible although i can't wait to have someone new.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:00 PM Flagwell, you *could* tell her. Actually you could have told her already, since you've known for a while that you want to replace her. You just didn't want to have to deal with a gap in care if you didn't find someone or they fell through. Not saying you're wrong, but you obviously don't feel as horrible about this as you claim, or you wouldn't have done that.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:04 PM Flag
you should be helping your nanny find her next job now. you should have been looking for a new placement for her for the past few months. of course I'm assuming she can do her job and the main issue is a personality conflict.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:07 PM Flagseriously? she should have some kind of idea you were not happy with her performance. did you try to fix the problems?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:09 PM Flagi think she has some idea but the real blow out was in august. we've been looking ever since. but she might think that it blew over since it happened months ago
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:14 PM Flag-
^^^and if your prospective nanny knew what you were doing to the current one I bet she wouldn't take the job.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:17 PM Flagactual every nanny i interviewed i told them why i was letting my current nanny go and that my current nanny did not know. none of them seemed surprised. i was also upfront that although i didn't tell her i was going to let her go, i was going to pay her severance and that she would get unemployment insurance
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:24 PM Flag
i feel awful but i know i am not an awful person. not sure why its unfair - people get fired all the time and they don't know that's is coming although their employer might. i didn't force her to live-in. she didn't want to spend money on an apartment.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:18 PM Flag
what happened exactly? and how long has she been working for you?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:17 PM Flagwe fought about the fact she never tells me anything that happened even though i constantly ask her how they day went. she basically said she didn't like me. in fact i assumed she was going to quit, but she didn't.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:27 PM Flag-
actually - considering she lives in my house and only sees me for about 30 minutes on the days she works and 5 minutes on the days she doesn't, i am not quite sure how she came to any opinion. the minute i walk in the door at night she says good night to the kids and goes to her room or leaves to go out. she doesn't even let me ask her what happened that day. we pay her very well so its not that i am being cheap with her.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:31 AM Flag
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Ok it is obvious since you do not respond to the posters telling you what you really need to do here to be a good person that you are one of 'those' women.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:18 PM Flagi have no idea what "those" women are. i am not leaving this women on the street. i am giving her two weeks to move out plus more than $4. she will also get unemployment insurance.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:31 PM Flag"those women" are women like you who refuse to see themselves and their actions as they really are because you like to live with blinders. YOU have a responsibility to this woman as a live-in caretaker/nanny/babysitter of your child. This is not a job so much as her lifestyle and you are selfishly hiding your intentions so you can have an easy time of it. In short, you suck and you are a bad selfish person.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:33 PM Flagits not a job, its a lifestyle? seriously? she gets paid. its a job.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:38 PM FlagYou are clearly a new moneyed low class woman with no concept of what it truly means to take on live-in help. You simply do not deserve this or any woman to be living under your roof.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:40 PM Flagand you are seriously a bitter lonely person who gets their kicks writing things on an anonymous board that they would never say in real life. good luck with that - i am sure it will get you far in life. and i know you can come back with some equally obnoxious remark - but don't waste your time, i am sure you are a better person than me.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:42 PM Flag"than I am"......no, not bitter or lonely and if so, certainly no more so than you who is the poor soul who started this thread needing advice from strangers on your reprehensible actions. Leave the live-ins to those of us who know how to handle and manage them. Put your child in daycare while you give this woman a fair shot. Daycare should feel far more familiar to you than this current arrangement.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:47 PM Flag-
Pretend you're her. How do you feel now, four days before Christmas?
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:10 AM Flag
LIFESTYLE? As in, the nanny expects to maintain a lifestyle by living in OP's house and OP doesn't have the right to fire her and deprive her of that lifestyle? Responder, you. are. totally. insane. Off your rocker. Batshit. Do you live in a feudal castle with serfs tending your wheat in exchange for housing?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:58 PM Flag
you have to tell her it isn't the right fit and that you are looking. The other nanny might not take the job but if not, you'll continue to look. You also have to help her in any reasonable way with recommendations, etc. She is an employee, but you made a big commitment when you had her move in. Be fair
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:19 PM Flag
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Why are YOU having an anxiety attack about? It's not like you're the one that will be unemployed and homeless in the middle of the winter with a psycho bitch as your last job reference.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:31 PM FlagI can't believe you. Do you have any idea how bad the nanny market is right now FOR THE NANNIES??? It took you months to find a new nanny, and you set it up so you will not have even the tiniest gap in care. Now she will be out on her a$$ with nowhere to go and in this terrible market. There are not that many live-in jobs in NYC. You're leaving her not only unemployed, but homeless! And you didn't have to! Awful. Completely awful. You'd better treat her like a frickin' QUEEN-- and no, I don't think 4k is enough for what you have done.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:47 PM Flag-
lol are you a nanny? her nanny should realize how difficult the market is for nannies and BE NICE TO HER EMPLOYER!! 4 weeks pay is extremely generous. And let's not forget that this nanny was making $1K per week PLUS had free room and board. these people suggesting that OP should bend over even farther for her nanny are ridiculous and probably entitled nannies themselves.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 11:56 AM Flag
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if i was then i could have given her plenty of notice. but i am working mom, supporting a family with no back up childcare options. so, i have to find someone new while keeping my current nanny.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:07 PM Flag-
^^^a WOHM you wouldn't flutter around for 3 month trying uselessly to hire a new nanny while allowing your DC to be cared for by someone that you don't like that doesn't like you.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:12 PM Flagshe is good with my children. i have a personal issue with her. i never worried about my children.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:20 PM FlagThen try and give her a good reference if you can. Is she committed to NYC or do you think she would be open to live in the burbs or somewhere else?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:28 PM Flag-
Then you're also depriving your kids of a caretaker who is good to them. Wow.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:12 AM Flagshe is good not great. my older one needs homework help and she is unable to help him. i know my kids are safe but i would like someone with more energy and who smiles a lot more.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:28 AM FlagLOL--smiles more? You're crazy. She works for and lives with YOU. Why should she smile more? Her life is probably hell.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 12:03 PM Flagif this was an insult - implying she is not happy b/c she has to live in my house, whatever. but if you are laughing at the fact that i want someone who smiles more - i was quite serious. she is with my kids while i am work. i'd like someone who is happy taking care of my kids.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 01:26 PM Flag
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If you really need a solution to this, why not be kind and keep her on until after the 1st of the year. You said the new nanny starts on the 21st, right? so start paying her, but don't have her start working until the 1st or second week of January when you break the news to your old nanny. You are going to be double paying for a few weeks in there anyway, kicking your old nanny out on the 21st, only saves you around 1 week of salary, give her a break and don't ruin the holidays.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:16 PM Flagok so is it better to fire her on the 21st and give her two to three weeks to move out. OR fire her after the first of the year and give her a week to move out? she has to be out by second week of January.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:22 PM Flag-
Hello? Tell her NOW! Not four days before Christmas when you have been looking for 3 months!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:33 PM FlagSeriously. Truly hate these people who have live-ins but not the background or constitution to properly manage them or know how the relationship should be between them and the employees
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:37 PM Flag-
No, not whatever. You are crossed your station in life and should retreat.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:48 PM Flagthe background or constitution to properly manage them - seriously?? whatever.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:52 PM FlagI think she means that people don't understand that having somebody live with you is, in fact, different than employment somebody who has their own apartment. My sense is that people who grew up with live-in help understand better that this person is part of your household, not some boarder you can toss out. Not saying these people are better people, but I do think they have insight many don't. I say this as somebody who has a live-in nanny and didn't grow up with any help whatsoever.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:14 AM Flag
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You're having an anxiety attack planning how to give your employee an anxiety attack? Xmas/NY is the most stressful time of year, add to that her need to find a new job, find a new home, pack and move while working under your roof, possibly doing OT due to your holiday needs. We've found this year's Grinch everyone, over here!
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:39 AM FlagYou guys are really beating this poster up. She has giving a substantial severance -- $4K -- to a grown woman who has reason to know that her job is not secure. The nanny is an adult. OP shouldn't throw her out overnight, but she does have a right to say who lives in her home. OP, give as much notice as you can, and ask her to leave ASAP and no later than two weeks. You can offer to store her things for longer than that. Don't count on the nanny to watch your children at all after you fire her. Do you have any temporary solutions until the new person starts?
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:41 AM Flagyes - i was never planning on asking her to work after we let her go. she would have two weeks to move her stuff out. she doesn't have a car so we were planning on letting her still use ours (which my dh was against but i didn't know how else she would move out).
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:50 AM FlagShe could have given her notice 90 days ago, instead chose to wait until 4 days before Christmas. That's why people are beating her up. My firm just had a round of layoffs - they made sure they were completed by early December. Because it looks bad to throw people out right before the holidays, and when you do it, people think even less of you than they did before.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:56 AM FlagTHIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!! Do you have to employ someone forever once you take them in because live-in nannies are a member of your family? I wouldn't throw out my daughter so I therefore can't throw out my nanny (who, by the way, DOESN'T LIKE ME!!!). what is wrong with these people who think this nanny is entitled to her job lol.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 11:59 AM Flag
OP, i think some posters above are not being fair and realistic. it's unreasonable to expect that you wouldn't line-up a new nanny before letting the old one go. if you are to tell your nanny that you are looking to replace her, you are running a high chance to find yourself without babysitting. In the real world, where people are employed at-will, we all know that we can be let go on a spot. A nice severance package would be great to make the transition smoother. I think $4K after-tax is a ton of money and you are being very generous. I would, however, in the spirit of the Holidays fire the nanny after the holidays and pay the new nanny for that week to keep her, if you can afford it.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 09:41 AM FlagBut when you're fired in a typical job, you don't live there! That's the whole point here. Losing this job is coupled with losing her present residence.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 10:15 AM FlagI completely agree with the above. Plus, if this nanny's life were so dependent on needing to live with OP, she would probably be nicer to OP. It's ridiculous to suggest that a nanny can come into your home and live there and feel free to criticize you because you have to give her an eternal job because you dont' know what she would do without you. what she would do without you is HER problem. and if she doesn't want to be without you, she should have been nicer to you. i think there are a bunch of nannies who posted above. or maybe it was a few posters posting over and over again, as what's said above about OP being miserable and unfair is totally off-base.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 11:46 AM Flagthanks for the support. that is what we decided to do. we will pay her the extra two weeks at the end of the year (which she won't be working anyway b/c me and my dh are both home), pay her her bonus, then let her go at the beginning of the year with three weeks severance.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 01:23 PM Flag
I am almost positive this is a fake because no one this stupid can possibly operate a computer. But in case this isn't, the least you can do is to find this woman another job. You took too long finding a new slave or yourself. It sounds like you're trying to pay her back for something.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 12:08 PM Flag
[+] My 20yo DD was just told by her gyn that she has precancerous cells and will require ... 202 replies
- supports her when she needs it, but has the maturity to stand between her and her crazy, abusive family and even to act as mediator. What a guy. I think she should marry him and never speak to her birth family again. I want to adopt them both! This mother makes me want to vomit. Hoping this is fake....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
My 20yo DD was just told by her gyn that she has precancerous cells and will require a cryo - freezing and scraping of the uterus. She was told that it was not caused by HPV. I told her not to tell her stepfather since he lost his mother to cancer just three years ago. I asked her not to speak of the procedure or anything and to just keep it between us. She went to the doctor alone and then spent last weekend with her boyfriend - she's now home on break. Her stepfather wanted to know why she was not staying with us this weekend and I had to makeup a reason. I am so pissed!
202 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 03:59 PM Flag ]-
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Ok, I didn't finish explaining. We have a rule in our house that you do not stay the night at boyfriend/girlfriend's houses unless you are married. She knows this but decided to go against my wishes and called me at 10pm to say that she was going to stay the night at his apartment.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:04 PM FlagMaybe because she was scared/ sad after the procedure and needed some extra love and care, and since you told her you were not interested in her sharing any of her medical problems with the family, she was unable to go to your house to recover from what is a painful procedure. You are a horrid bitch.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:11 PM FlagOMG, abnormal pap smears are a dime a dozen. Nearly every woman I have spoken to about it says that they have had one at some point in their life. I just didn't want my husband to hear cancer and then become panicked. He takes meds for anxiety and is easily stressed.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:15 PM FlagYeah but having a cryo means that the cells were abnormal enough for her doc to be concerned. You chose your DH's unfounded anxiety (unfounded, by your own admission, because according to you abnormal paps are a dime a dozen) as more important than your daughter's feelings and her medical needs after the cryo. I just don't get why you were mad that she went to stay with her BF afterwords- I mean you pretty much said you wouldn't want her coming to your place afterwords, so she needed someone to help her in case it hurt, or in case she was bleeding afterwords. And since her own mother refused to, well...
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:18 PM FlagNot at all. I said nothing about coming home afterwards. I didn't even know that she was having the procedure since she didn't tell me.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:27 PM FlagI wonder why she didn't tell you, after hearing your deep concern for her. And would you have really said she could come right home afterwords? And be walking around all funny-like, in pain, and checking her bleeding every hour or two? What if precious DH noticed her pain?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:30 PM Flag
Tell that to my aunt, who died of cervical cancer which was first noted on a pap smear.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:34 PM Flag
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You are TERRIBLE! Way to make your DD's medical procedure about you, ASSHOLE!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:04 PM FlagHow did I make this all about me? Abnormal pap smears are not out of the norm. She may have even been exaggerating the issue since she has a history of doing these things - like telling me that she had whopping cough two months ago when she was vax for pertussis ages ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:06 PM FlagRegardless of your stupid rule, what have you got to be pissed about? You forced your daughter to lie when she probably needed support and are upset that when trying to hide the lie she upset your husband. You are terrible and selfish as stated above.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:09 PM FlagI didn't force her to lie, I just asked her not to mention it to my husband. It's quite minor anyhow. No need to cause alarm.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:16 PM FlagNewsflash: sleeping over at a boyfriends house when you are 20 is quite minor as well.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:22 PM FlagI wasn't asking for your morals. Those are the rules at our house.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:30 PM FlagWell, clearly your adult daughter needed some compassion since her mother is 100% lacking (although she has surprising compassion for her new husband's crazy anxiety over what you yourself describe as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). I personally am glad she had a boyfriend to turn to, and I'm sure she was glad too. You are on the right track to being one of those moms that your daughter is writing on UB about, asking how to avoid seeing her crazy parents over the holidays.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:32 PM Flag
So when she came to your house and was on the couch, uncomfortable, and going to the bathroom frequently to change her pad from the bleeding from the procedure, and taking pain meds, what was she supposed to tell your DH? That's right, she promised you she wouldn't tell him. So she obviously couldn't go to your house afterwords. She was doing what you wanted!!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:23 PM FlagShe gets her period every month and no one knows when it occurs. She also would not have been walking around in a different manner. There also isn't continuous bleeding. You don't know what you are talking about. The doctor applies a clotting mechanism and you simply pass a clot of blood in 8-12hrs. There is very, very little blood before that occurs and all of the blood is collected in the clot. It's not like she's suffering from a miscarriage.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:33 PM FlagSo you think it would have been fine for her to come home and not mention her procedure, not mention if she needed any pain meds, not mention any anxiety or fear she was having about "what if something comes back abnormal?"... and just keep mum for the sake of your DH, in case he got worried when he heard about it? Really?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:35 PM FlagHer procedure was minor and routine. She wasn't given any pain meds and was simply told to take 800mg of ibuprophen. Nothing would come back abnormal since the abnormal cells were taken out.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:41 PM FlagYou know, you really are cold hearted. Did you even ask your daughter how she felt afterwords, or how she was feeling, or if she needed anything? Pregnancy and childbirth are routine as well, but I guarantee you were looking for a little bit of attention as you were pushing out an 8 pound baby.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:44 PM FlagNo, I wasn't. I drove myself to the hospital, gave birth and then drove myself home. I am not a drama queen. Even so, I assumed that she is ok since she seems perfectly fine today. No problems whatsoever.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:45 PM FlagNo, it's true. My ex-husband was cheating on me and didn't return my calls all day. I had to take myself to the hospital. I hope that my daughter has a better man in her life someday, so I wasn't meaning to imply that I think all women should go through what I went through.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:07 PM Flag
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Having a cryo is PAINFUL! Regardless if she actually has cancer, a cryo is PAINFUL!! She needed help recovering and you told her not to bother getting help from her family. So she went to her boyfriend. No shit she did!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:12 PM FlagYou are exaggerating. I called my doctor to ask her about the procedure and you just take 1600mg of ibuprophen afterwards. It's not a painful procedure. They numb you during it. You feel nothing.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:14 PM FlagWell, I've HAD one, and it is painful afterwords. Of course you are numb during it- but it hurts afterwords. Similar to how you are asleep during surgery, but once you wake up and the painkillers wear off, you have pain. And you are a complete dipshit- you can't take 1600mg of ibuprofen at once, that's absurd.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:15 PM Flag-
I've had one as well. I did not have any numbing whatsoever. Granted, this was nearly 2 decades ago, but the whole experience was scary and very painful. It might be a common procedure, but while you are having it done you feel alone and pretty freaked out, I would imagine this to be the case even if I were numbed.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:01 PM Flag
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Np: I've had the procedure also. It's uncomfortable and a bit painful. Further
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:35 PM Flagno- Sorry. I've had a cryo and they freeze off the top layer of your cervix- for me I was lying there shaking and it was very very unpleasant, even with the local. I'm surprised cryo is still performed these days- I heard most are now done with laser now as one gyno said to me that cryo was 'barbaric'.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:58 PM Flag
I find when we try and protect people from the truth it usually turns around to bite us all in the ass. Be upfront with her stepfather.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:04 PM FlagWell, that's how it turned out in this scenario. I was screwed over by her actions and then I had to tell my husband what was going on.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:17 PM FlagNo, your daughter was screwed over because her mother refused to help her after her procedure so she was pretty much forced to go stay with her boyfriend instead. You made your own bed, OP.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:20 PM FlagI didn't refuse to help my daughter. You are acting like she went in for surgery. I spoke to the doctor today and was told that it's a routine and very simple procedure that only takes 20min. Minimal discomfort after the fact. She could have easily come home.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:29 PM FlagYeah, and not mentioned the procedure to a soul. Sure. This was likely her first true medical procedure, and it was not a routine screening- it was because they found something abnormal! She is only 20- she was probably fearful the whole time, no matter how minor you think it was. You refused to support her. She chose her boyfriend over your. This is your fault.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:36 PM FlagI had a friend in college who had this. She was laid up for 2 days. Sad for about 2 weeks. For the first time your daughter had to face her mprtality and her mother denied her the fear. That lead her to go to her boyfriend. This is a direct consequence of you choosing your husband's feelings over hers. Own it.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:27 PM Flag
A leep procedure? Ok. You need to get your dd another opinion from a doctor you can trust. A friend of mine was told something similar by a doctor on campus and had the cryo procedure. She was afraid to tell her mom and went alone. She eventually learned that she needed no such thing and has ongoing issues because of it. Take your daughter to the doctor yourself. Keeping quiet to protect tour dh is not the answer here.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:07 PM FlagWhose the doctor? A campus doc. Do not let anyone touch your daughter without getting all of the info.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:09 PM FlagShe is a 20 year old adult. Mom can't prevent her from getting medical care, or dictate what care she gets. Heck, this mom is telling her she can't even speak about her medical problem to anyone in the family- and actively thinks she is lying about it. OP-- do NOT get involved in your poor daughter's medical care.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:14 PM Flagor: 20 year olds need help managing these things. sorry. Does she live on her own and pay her own bills. I'm guessing no. I agree that op sucks. Why do these women always make everything about their new dh. Pathetic!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:18 PM FlagShe does live on her own and pay her own bills. And we've told her that she's allowed to do what she wants at her own place, but at our place, she needs to respect the rules.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:22 PM FlagSo she is not "allowed" to stay at her boyfriend's house even though she doesn't live with you? LOL!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:28 PM Flag-
You preach respect, but you're on here calling your daughter attention-grabbing, overreacting, and pretending to need moral support from her significant other when in reality you're sure that she just wants his dick. In her vagina. AFTER A SURGICAL PROCEDURE ON HER CERVIX. You can't have sex right after a cryo.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:39 PM Flag
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WTF - she does not even live with you and you and your husband are trying to dictate where she sleeps at night.....OP, I am sorry your life is so miserable
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:02 PM Flag
There are so many things wrong with this post and with you in general. I'm just wondering how you think it's possible to have a rule for your 20 yo that says she cannot stay the night at her boyfriend's house, even though she no longer lives with you. Talk about controlling?!?! You are so terrified of your husband that you would prevent your daughter from telling him some basic truths about her health. What is making you the most angry is that you have to justify why your daughter is not staying over? Grow a pair of balls and worry about your daughter instead of your husband!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:27 PM FlagA few issues. 1.). With the new pap smear guidelines, no one is supposed to be getting a pap smear before 21 so your gyn is not following proper guidelines to start with. 2.). Cryo is emotionally stressful and the recovery is painful 3.) It is illegal for this dr to discuss anything about your daughters care with you (HIPPA) so either you are fake or he is an awful doctor. Either way, if my mother chose her husbands anxiety over helping me through a cancer scare, I would never speak to her again.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:44 PM FlagI don't know what you are talking about because she's been getting a pap smear since she was 16 and you are most definitely supposed to get an annual pap smear if you are sexually active. Recovery is very simply and things are only as emotionally stressful as you allow them to be. I didn't discuss the specifics of my daughter's situation with my doctor, I simply called to have her discuss what occurs during a cryo and the recovery/treatment.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:25 PM FlagNot true. No paps under 21 regardless of sexual activity and pals only every 2 years 21-29 and every 3 years over 30 with no history of abnormal paps. Here's the link: http://www.asccp.org/ConsensusGuidelines/tabid/7436/Default.aspx. I'm an OB/GYN and I wouldn't have told you a thing with out your daughters permission - it's a HIPPA violation.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:37 PM FlagAgain, you must have gone to a crappy med school, so whatever. I didn't discuss my daughter's case. I simply called the office to discuss what occurs during a cryo. And, my daughter has been getting a pap ever year since she was 16. This is the first time I've ever heard of someone stating that it should only occur every 2 years+.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:04 PM FlagNope. Not a crappy med school. A good one that taught me to practice evidence based medicine. The guidelines are clear in the link I posted. Your gyn is choosing to go against guidelines - he's going with his opinion rather than the evidence - risky business.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:18 PM Flag-
http://cancer.about.com/od/screeninganddiagnosis/a/firstpapsmear.htm
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:53 AM FlagWell then, it doesn't appear that my doctor is going against protocol when it says that the guidelines were changed in 2009. As I said, my daughter has been getting them since she was 16, which is what I was recommended to do by her pediatrician. That was in 2006.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 08:07 AM Flag
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NP - that's a nutty guideline! My very first pap at 19 was abnormal and they found precancerous cells at that time. I hate to think what would have happened if I had to wait another 2 years.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:24 PM FlagRight. But statistics show that if you test too much too early you decide to get intervention to things that you don't have to be treated for or that exposes you to even further risks and complications. It's all a number game and yes, you were lucky. Other most are not so much.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:56 AM Flag
so you allow news of your daughter's health to be emotionally stressful to your DH but you won't allow your daughter's medical procedure to be stressful to her? double standard much?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:39 PM FlagMy husband has a mental illness so we must tread carefully with him. My daughter and I do not need to take the same precautions.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:06 PM Flagi like how you've decided for your daughter that she does not need any emotional support
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:23 PM FlagFor having PREcancerous cells? No, I don't think the world stops for that and everyone I spoke to assured me that it was totally common. I should have just written that she had an abnormal pap smear and then everyone would have responded differently, instead, you all are clinging to one word.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:30 PM Flag
I don't get why your daughter wasn't allowed to mention it to your DH, since all of your posts stress how NOT a big deal this was, and how your daughter is completely fine and the procedure was the smallest thing ever? If it is so not a big deal, why the secrecy?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:49 PM FlagFirst of all, I think this is fake. But if it's real, then you must be an awful mother and human being. While it's true this procedure isn't uncommon, it can still be terrifying, especially to a 20-year old. I've had two friends who had this procedure in their early 20s and both were terried -- they spent weeks online researching all of the worst case scenarios and cried and cried over it. Are you so sure your daughter hasn't be crying herself to sleep every night like my friends did, thinking she might have cancer? I also had the procedure at an older age, and I was also terried but for a different reason. Did you know that if the results of the cryo are bad, and you need a further procedure (forget the name), they actually lop off the bottom part of your cervix? Which can increase the chances of miscarriage. And if you need that procedure more than once (not entirely unlikely since your daughter is so young), that greatly increases the chances of not being able to carry a child to full term. That is fairly scary. Not that you deserve to be in any future grandchild's life anyway.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:50 PM FlagIt's unusual to do cryo as a first step anymore. She doesn't have a good doctor, you live somewhere backward (you certainly are!) or there's more going on than one bad PAP.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:58 PM FlagThis is such a strange post. I usually don't call fake, but there are so many strange details, and OP is so hostile, I at least hope it's fake. Plus, nobody would really be this upset- main point of all of this mind you, that her adult daughter slept at her boyfriend's. She is being fat to defensive of he silly rule, for this to be a real person that really thinks this way.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:27 PM FlagI am upset because of all the drama it caused. It's 11pm and my daughter is not home. My husband wants to know where she is and I have to tell him, I don't know. I was hoping that she would change her mind and come home. He gets upset and anxious and tells me that he's going to call the police. He was worried to death that something might have happened to her. I tell him that she's staying the night at her boyfriends. My husband becomes livid and tries calling her - no answer. He tells me that he's going over to his apartment and is even saying that he's going to fight the kid because he knows what our rules are about sleepovers. He found it terribly disrepectful. I then spent an hour trying to calm him down and he's cursing and pissed. Finally, I get a hold of her boyfriend and he tells me that she's sleeping but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her life. The neighbors are listening to this. She runs to her room, packs her suitcase and says that she won't be coming home anymore. My husband is about to have a heart attack. She's causing a huge scene in the hall by not coming back to the apartment. Her boyfriend is trying to calm down my husband and my husband slaps him in the chest. This causes my daughter to start crying and yelling.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:35 PM FlagFinally, I get a hold of her boyfriend and he tells me that she's sleeping but that they will be over at 6am. Then, Sunday morning, she's here, crying and yelling about us controlling her life. The neighbors are listening to this. She runs to her room, packs her suitcase and says that she won't be coming home anymore. My husband is about to have a heart attack. She's causing a huge scene in the hall by not coming back to the apartment. Her boyfriend is trying to calm down my husband and my husband slaps him in the chest. This causes my daughter to start crying and yelling.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:38 PM FlagHer boyfriend acts as mediator and finally gets everyone back into the apartment. I am pissed, but my daughter and husband have started to calm down. My husband apologizes, my daughter laughs it off and we tell her that she can spend the rest of the weekend at her boyfriend's if she'd like and she does. So, she got everything that she wanted.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:39 PM FlagSounds like your husband is abusive, you are horribly controlling of your daughter, and then after a massive fight that I probably would have called the police on if I'd witnessed, you laugh it off and tell you daughter she can have her way. Newsflash: she doesn't need your permission to have her way. She is an adult, who pays her own bills (according to you). She didn't make a scene here- your husband did.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:43 PM Flag
You put your husband before your daughter and offered little support. Why would she come home to stay with you, so she can feel worse than she already did. I'd be mighty pissed at you if I were her.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:28 PM FlagI think you're all being assholes to OP. Big deal she said 'dont tell dad'. Im sure it wasnt the first time! I grew up with that phrase embedded in my mind, and we were told it for various reasons.... To not upset him, to not disappoint him, to not let him know the real price of something. That comment doesnt make her a terrible mom. Its not like she is saying that dad will be mad that you have precancerous cells. She didnt want dad to be upset. Lighten up idiots. Daughter is also 20 and at that 'i can do it myself stage' maybe she thought it was no big deal. Did she say why she slept at bfs?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:42 PM FlagHi, OP. She slept at her boyfriends because she was likely upset after having her cryo, and wasn't allowed to talk about her feelings at home. She wasn't having sex, because that is contraindicated after a cryo (and painful!!). You brushed aside her worries and told her she wasn't allowed to talk about them, and then got mad at her for following your wishes.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:44 PM Flag
OP: To make it clear here's what was awful. Your 20 year old daughter got test results that had the phrase "pre-cancerous" in them and had to have a painful procedure - possibly the first in her life. Regardless of "the stats" this is a huge deal for a 20 year old; it touches on mortality, on reproduction, a whole bunch of things. You completely ignored her feelings. At the same time you asked her to not tell your DH. Clearly you are way more concerned with his bipolar etc. than your daughter - don't think she doesn't know it. I also I think you don't really believe it's not HPV related and you are engaged in shaming her about her sexuality/issues with 'private areas'/boyfriend. Regardless, you completely misstepped. If you want any hope of repairing your relationship with YOUR DAUGHTER you should apologize and get counselling asap. The drama was your fault.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 05:51 PM FlagThe daughter has an amazing, supportive BF who not only supports her when she needs it, but has the maturity to stand between her and her crazy, abusive family and even to act as mediator. What a guy. I think she should marry him and never speak to her birth family again. I want to adopt them both! This mother makes me want to vomit. Hoping this is fake.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:26 PM FlagNews flash OP - When asked where your daughter is do not cryptically say "I don't know" in a way that will upset your anxious bi-polar husband. You could have told the truth (a friend) without the details and avoid the whole as you call it Drama fest. But I certainly don't blame you daughter for staying away for a while, a long while. You are trying to control a 20 year old like a 16 year old and it will only be bad.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:34 PM FlagI don't lie to my husband. It's not a place that I want to be placed in. She forced me to deal with HER drama when she left with no explanation to her father. If she wants to act like an adult, then she needs to tell her father that she won't be staying the night at our place and she'll be staying with her boyfriend. Instead, she sneaked away like she was doing something wrong - which she was. And she only told me that she was going to be spending the night with him because she knew that I would be easier on her than my husband would have been.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:46 PM FlagNo she didn't. She put you exactly in the place you wanted to be- the martyr. She said "I am having a medical procedure", and you said basically that you didn't care. She said "I'm going to my boyfriend's", and she left. You were the one who chose to tell your husband. It's interesting that you wanted your daughter to practice selective honesty with your DH to spare his feelings, but you refused to practice selective honesty with him. Why? Because you were mad at your daughter and wanted to get back at her. You don't care about lying to your husband. Not telling a man that his daughter is undergoing a medical procedure like a cryo is the same thing as lying.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:08 PM Flag
OP, you must, after all this, see how you handled this terribly wrong? Please, think a little more about your daughter's feelings, and not always just of your husband. Even, sometimes maybe, in her favor, bend to sometimes take her side, just because she is your darling daughter.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:36 PM FlagX3. This is your daughter. Your baby. She was scared, she had to be. Please just show her some love.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 06:39 PM FlagNo, everyone on here just loves to get hysterical. It is a routine and common procedure. I have to worry about my husband, who is mentally ill, and how he would overreact concerning the situation. She has to add drama to the situation by breaking a house rule and leaving me to pick up the pieces. Then, she comes home with her boyfriend, causes a huge scene that nearly throws my husband into a full blown anxiety attack.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:10 PM Flagno, you have to worry about your daughter. who had precancerous cells. who had a painful medical procedure. who you told to shut up and move on, so you could focus on your precious husband. why can your husband get special attention when you don't feel your daughter merits it?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:20 PM Flag
This woman reminds me of Columbian mom who didn't want to take her daughter to Columbia for her birthday like she promised because it her DH had tickets to the U.S. Open. Can there really be two obstinate narcissists who choose step-DH over daughter or is this post by the same woman?
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 06:53 AM Flag
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[+] DH here. We have 2 children, both boys. There's a part of me that feels like our fami... 30 replies
- would she be game to adopt a girl? i would go that route....
- Hopefully FAKE. Gross nonetheless. Signed mother to a beautiful adopted DD....
- How is this fake. A lot of people have preference for a biological child. If this were not true, everyone would be adopting first....
Talk : : December 12, 2011
DH here. We have 2 children, both boys. There's a part of me that feels like our family is incomplete without a daughter. Our sons are 7 and 5 years old. My wife says that she doesn't feel like starting over with a baby again. I feel desperate since she's 30 and entering the infertility years. How much longer should I give her before I start to put on the pressure?
30 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 01:04 PM Flag ]Oh, and the 30s are not "the infertility years!" Are you Mormon?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:09 PM Flag-
I understand. We have 2 girls and I really want a son. DH is on the fence. I'm not applying any pressure but I have communicated to him how important it is to me and I'll just have to leave it at that. In my case, I think he'll eventually come around. Good luck!
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:10 PM FlagIf you had a 3rd son, would you pressure your DW to go for a 4th?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:15 PM FlagWith the youngest being 5, well out of diapers and in school, I'd be surprised if she goes for it. Though it's great you've got time on your side. Think spinning the swimmers, doing iui increases your odds of getting a girl. Maybe she'd be ok trying if she thought you'd have a girl, and she wouldn't be pressured to try for a 4th.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 01:18 PM FlagDH here (not the OP). While I dislike all the people who post "Fake!" on this site, I must say that this doesn't sound like a man writing. Not because the writer wants a daughter (I've been blessed to have three) but because the language reminds me of all the women here who want one more child and whose husbands are cold to the idea.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:21 PM Flag
[+] Nanny here. My boss just had to put her beloved dog to sleep. I am trying to think of... 14 replies
- that is really really sweet of you. i think the charity idea (esp if her doc was an adoption) is a great idea. after my dog died, i wanted to give back to the organization (where i adopted her) that gave me so much. perhaps donate back to the place where the dog was adopted....
- Yeah, I wish I knew where she actually adopted him from, but not sure. It was before they moved here. I just found a charity that helps...
Talk : : December 12, 2011
Nanny here. My boss just had to put her beloved dog to sleep. I am trying to think of something nice to do for her to acknowledge this. I'm bummed because I had a photo shoot with the dog and the baby set up, then he unexpectedly took a turn for the worse and was put down 2 days before the scheduled shoot :( Any other good ideas? I was thinking about donating to a cool animal charity in the dog's name. I worry that spending TOO much would be awkward, but thinking in the area of $25. Might go higher for a donation, as that's seems a little less weird than a $50 present (since I'm happy to support a cool charity anyway). What do you think of the charity idea? Any suggestions for good ones? Any other ideas? She adopted this special needs dog from a shelter 6 years ago, and he was her good buddy, and a very sweet dog!
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.12.11, 07:42 AM Flag ]i think that is really really sweet of you. i think the charity idea (esp if her doc was an adoption) is a great idea. after my dog died, i wanted to give back to the organization (where i adopted her) that gave me so much. perhaps donate back to the place where the dog was adopted.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:46 AM Flag-
Yeah, I wish I knew where she actually adopted him from, but not sure. It was before they moved here. I just found a charity that helps low income families with their pet medical bills. In situations where the pet has a treatable condition, but might otherwise have to be put to sleep or given away because the medical needs are cost prohibitive. I think she'd be into that.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:56 AM Flag
OP: How much $$ is appropriate? While I'm a nanny, my DH is a lawyer and we're more comfortable financially than your stereotypical nanny. Still, I wonder if spending TOO much would make her feel weird. FWIW, I'm basically going to make this her Christmas present (along with a cool art project the baby did, and a picture). Is $50 okay? Could I do more?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 07:59 AM FlagWell if you are talking about a donation, typically the organization doesn't reveal how much $$ you actually gave - they just send an acknowledgement that you make a donation.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:01 AM Flag50 is too much. i don't like it when my nanny spends money on our family. it is the thought and gesture that counts. 25 is very generous.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:18 AM FlagYeah, that was my worry. $25 is probably good, then. She knows I can afford it, but I am still her nanny so I can see where it's weird. Part of the reason I thought a donation was a good way to go is that I'm giving money to something useful, as opposed to buying them an item, you know? You're probably right that it's best to keep the amount low.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 09:07 AM FlagOP: Would even $25 make you feel uncomfortable? I don't want to do that. I just want to do something that commemorates his life, and thought a dog charity would be a neat way to give something, without actually giving them something. If you knew your nanny was financially secure and the amount was modest would you appreciate the gesture, or just feel weird about her spending money?
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 09:35 AM Flag
I would love if someone went through the trouble to find a fantastic shot out of my iPhoto library, had it printed, and put in a frame for me.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 08:37 AM FlagOP: I considered that, but she's so in love with this dog she already has quite a few pics of him framed. That said there is a really cool, absolutely excellent picture of him that I took a couple weeks ago. One of those lucky shots (I'm not photographer). I may frame that, even though she has a few of him already.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 09:05 AM Flag
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[+] It happened. Someone asked if my daughter was my grand daughter. I'm 46 - dd is 3. I ... 28 replies
- People say weird stuff to moms. People sometimes ask me about my "adopted" daughter - my DH is a different race - don't let it get to you. Just be sooooo glad you were able to...
- People say that to me too, and we are the same race and our child is not adopted - she's just got some weird recessive genes that resulted in her being blond & blue eyed. It's like people don't...
Talk : : December 11, 2011
It happened. Someone asked if my daughter was my grand daughter. I'm 46 - dd is 3. I wouldn't change a thing about my circumstance. I knew going in I would always be the oldest mom in the room - but wasn't ready for grandma! Devastating.
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.11.11, 07:57 PM Flag ]Happened to me a lot (I was 46 with a 3 year old) - I wouldn't say devastating. It's not like you look older than you are (person might have even thought you were 42), outside of certain neighborhoods of Manhattan and Brooklyn, you likely WOULD be her grandmother. Now if someone called you her GREAT grandmother, that might be devastating.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:04 PM FlagFyi, I'm also 46 with a 3 yo. You aren't the oldest mom in the room :) Listen, devastating would have been if we weren't able to be moms - don't let it get you down.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:07 PM FlagOh goodness, don't feel devastated -- in many communities you would be a grandma by age 40 at the absolute latest! So it doesn't even mean you look 40 yet. Here's a story that hopefully will make you feel better: A few years ago, when I was about 43 (I'm 46 now too) I was playing baseball with my dd (i.e., I was running around with her, not sitting on the side like an old lady) and a man about my age commented to us how nice it was that Grandma still enjoys playing with her.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:15 PM FlagNot trying to be harsh at all, but in 80% of America, you could very easily be close to being her grandmother. My mother was a grandmother at 50 and so were most of her friends. In NY, I would think that people would know better.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:22 PM FlagNo way people in NY would know better except in UB-land and on UES/UWS! There are other communities in NY too, where the norm is to have kids when you're 18 to 22. And sometimes a lot younger too. So to people from those communities, if you're 40, you're probably grandma.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:44 PM Flag
Diane Keaton in Father of the Bride II was a grandmother and new mom at 45! No worries. People say all kinds of bizarre things. I once had a man at Bloomingdales reach out to me and say, "Just make sure that you finish HS and everything will get easier." I was 28yo and with a newborn!
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 08:24 PM FlagPeople say weird stuff to moms. People sometimes ask me about my "adopted" daughter - my DH is a different race - don't let it get to you. Just be sooooo glad you were able to have her.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:08 PM FlagYou're not the oldest mom in the room! I am! Had DD at 46. (Surprise conception at 45.) She's 4 3/4. I'm 51. I don't think I look it. Good genes and perpetually oily skin have kept away wrinkles. But I've had this occasionally. DH, who is 2 years younger than me but has had "silver" hair since his 30s gets it almost daily. We shrug. But I *do* wish there were an older mom's club.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 10:59 PM Flag
[+] If you were 32 and single and got pregnant after a night with an ex boyfriend, what w... 32 replies
- np. Same. Also would not rule out finding the baby a loving adoptive family....
Talk : : December 10, 2011
If you were 32 and single and got pregnant after a night with an ex boyfriend, what would you do?
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.10.11, 06:50 PM Flag ]-
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I know it doesn't seem like it, but after spending my 30's stressed about my dwindling time, only to see everyone with the same anxieties reproducing at 40, yes. Besides egg-freezing technology is better now than before, and if she is really worried, embryo freezing technology is good now. She has time to look for a better situation, unless she has the money and desire to be a single parent.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 07:08 PM Flag
Depends on the ex. Anywhere to shooting for happily ever after with him to never speaking to him again and secretly having the baby.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 06:57 PM FlagI'd keep the baby. At 32 I had the financial means and the career security. Obviously your situation may be different
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 07:03 PM FlagOP are you there? I became a single mom at 42 and it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. But you are 10 years younger and in any case, everyone's situation is different. Good luck with whatever you decide.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 07:44 PM Flag-
Had the baby and prepared to do the best I could as a single mom.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 08:06 PM FlagI would have the baby. But as a single parent. Financially, I could have managed it at 32 and emotionally I would have evolved enough to do so. I did have DB eventually at 32, but I'll say it was a rough ride with DH then and I was like a single parent anyway.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 08:41 PM Flag
[+] What do I have to do to get my DCs friends to call me Mrs. Jones? I don't like them c... 50 replies
- been going on. What I'm more concerned about is getting my kids to call adults by Mr. or Mrs. It's the way I was raised and it makes me cringe when MIL introduces her friends to dcs by first name and then dc's adopt that. I never called parents' or grandparents' friends by first names BUT it's a delicate thing to insist in certain instances because it's also not worth offending people. I walk a tightrope on this issue, telling dc's to address by Mr. and Mrs....
Talk : : December 10, 2011
What do I have to do to get my DCs friends to call me Mrs. Jones? I don't like them calling me by my first name.
50 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.10.11, 09:25 AM Flag ]-
np That's a little awkward. I think it's better to say something to YOUR kid like "Mrs. Anderson is hosting your playdate today; isn't that nice?!" Done in front of the mom whose kid is calling you by first name.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:44 AM Flagmeh. i'm pretty direct, esp when helping another kid (or my own) understand manners.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:46 AM Flag-
nnp. Rude?? To ask a child to call you Mrs. Jones? When I was a kid we just knew to say Mrs. Jones as a default. Also, you could absolutely tell which parents wanted Mr and Mrs and which wanted first names. Kids today don't care, because their parents don't teach them. IMO, THAT is rude. And I'm only 27.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 10:26 AM Flagnnp I would much rather she correct my kid with her preference than make a show of her kid calling me Mrs, which is NOT *my* preference. Although it is a matter of preference, not manners, for this generation and even the last (there was one parent growing up who insisted on Mr).
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 12:43 PM Flag
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Don't think that will work - the other mom will just say, "please call me Jill!" And not likely take the hint that you want to be called Mrs. Jones. If you want to be called Mrs. Jones, you're going to have to say so. You can't control the way other people feel about that - they're probably not going to like it, though.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 11:02 AM Flag
Either this...or talk to parents. "I know it's a bit old fashioned, but I prefer to be Mrs. Jones to Sissy's friends." If you say it with a smile, it should work. If you are saying it directly to the kids, you can opt to leave out the smile...perhaps they will be too intimidated to even think of you as Mary. Another thought...if your dc are old enough (at 5 or 6), you may instruct them. They can introduce their little pals to you, "Sally, this is my mama, Mrs. Jones." I am Mrs. Smith even to my godchildren because all of my dc's friends & classmates know me as Mrs. Smith...even though they know other parents as Cheryl and Rick, etc. Also helps if you get other parents on board with the formal introductions. If you are the only Mrs. Jones in a sea of Carols and Jims, it will be a bit harder, but as I've said, still doable! And I do like the southern approach too--"Miss Mary", but that is one that is also favored by a lot of daycares, which may or may not be a good thing. Also...if other parents say, "call me Candy!" You must choose ahead of time whether to instruct dc to make Candy comfortable and acquiesce to her request or to more primly say, "Oh, no Miss Cane! We couldn't do that!"
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:23 PM Flag
Why does it bother you? It's 2011; society is less formal now.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:49 AM Flagnp "Society" needs to get its act together, imo. I'm all for progress, but for some reason people think anything goes--and that's not right
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:53 AM FlagThings change. Do you address your co-workers formally? Did you ask your boss permission to use their first name in the office. Do you address your elders using Sir or Ma'am? I have no problem with OP wanting be addressed as Mrs. Huxatable, but to say a kid addressing an adult by their first name means it's the end of the world as we know it is lunacy.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 10:41 AM Flag
you simply have to ask. when kids say "mrs. so and so" I say "call me --" (my first name) and it works perfectly.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 09:55 AM Flag-
You'll have to compromise as they have already gotten into the habit. Just say.... "Call me Miss Carolyn from now on." That will go down smoother than "Mrs. Brady." I don't have a problem with my d
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 10:33 AM FlagThis Miss/Mr + first name seems to be really common, at least in the South. Moved here and it seems like this is what I always am hearing. Even in the "classes" I take with my 18month old the instructors always introduce themselves as Miss Louise etc. Don't think I ever heard this before moving here
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 11:33 AM Flag
Good manners are not valued up north. The only place where children are routinely taught to address adults formally is in the South and in Texas.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 10:41 AM FlagI hear what you're saying, but honestly, I'd leave it if it's already been going on. What I'm more concerned about is getting my kids to call adults by Mr. or Mrs. It's the way I was raised and it makes me cringe when MIL introduces her friends to dcs by first name and then dc's adopt that. I never called parents' or grandparents' friends by first names BUT it's a delicate thing to insist in certain instances because it's also not worth offending people. I walk a tightrope on this issue, telling dc's to address by Mr. and Mrs. unless the person introduces as first name. Times, unfortunately, are changing. sigh.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 11:50 AM FlagI grew up in the 70s and 80s and always called my parents' friends by their first names. Times changed quite a while ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 01:30 PM Flagwell if your MIL introduces people in that manner then that is the way these people want to be addressed I assume. The best is to teach your children to call people by what they prefer - be it mr, mrs or first names. Some of us do not like the formality of mr or mrs and find it dated and uncomfortable. Others prefer mr and mrs. If kids are told just one name - be it either way - then they should be able to follow that rule. It gets more confusing to give them 2 names to remember for each person.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 01:32 PM Flag
Everything in our society is less formal than it used to be. This is no more detrimental a trend than any of the rest. If you want them to call you by your last name you need to ask them to call you by your last name. I've taught my kids to use last names unless instructed otherwise, but think it's stuffy and weird when people actually insist on being Mrs. X.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 02:36 PM FlagDO these children have telepathy? You need to tell them - everyone deserves to be addressed by the name they choose. They will not know if you don't tell them. Don't take it so personally, they are not trying to be overly familiar or insult you. They are just doing what they are used to doing. Also don't be surprised if they have to be reminded, they will probably forget.
[ Reply | More ]12.11.11, 09:52 AM Flag
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[+] I caved and POAS. 4dp6dt on IVF #2. FRER test said negative. Devastated. Can't bel... 11 replies
- Thank you. I saw that and was immediately even sadder. Adoption is even more expensive than another round of IVF,...say to a person struggling with infertility. For one thing, adoption is expensive and very, very complicated. It can take...domestically or internationally. Secondly, not everyone *wants* to adopt. Adoption is not as clean-cut as people want it to be.... one half of the couple would like to pursue adoption, the other half might not, in which case you'...
Talk : : December 09, 2011
I caved and POAS. 4dp6dt on IVF #2. FRER test said negative. Devastated. Can't believe I'm facing another $20,000 IVF, more unexplained time off of work and countless injections.
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 01:34 PM Flag ]-
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This is seriously one of the most annoying things you can say to a person struggling with infertility. For one thing, adoption is expensive and very, very complicated. It can take several years, regardless of whether you adopt domestically or internationally. Secondly, not everyone *wants* to adopt. Adoption is not as clean-cut as people want it to be. There are a lot of grey areas and potential landmines later on in the child's life. And as OP points out, even if one half of the couple would like to pursue adoption, the other half might not, in which case you're stuck. Telling an infertile couple to adopt as if it's that easy is just as naive as telling a pregnant woman (who doesn't want to be) to give her baby up for adoption.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:33 PM Flag
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Did you just take the test now? Because you need to do it first thing in the AM. 4dp6dt still seems early to me. Do not give up hope. And if you are not pregnant, try again. It took me 4 IVFs to conceive my DCs and while it was grueling and expensive, it was worth every penny and every tear. Babydust!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:13 PM FlagThank you. I really appreciate the kind words. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have tested, but I couldn't wait. Beta is only on Wednesday. Please say a prayer for me. I'm 40 and my FSH is skyrocketing. Switching from RMA to Cornell if this one fails. Much less convenient for me, but Davis really put me at ease during the consult.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:23 PM FlagDO NOT TEST AGAIN. At least not until Monday or Tuesday. Have faith! I actually got pregnant at RMA (did my first two cycles at another clinic in NJ) but I think you should cycle one more time at RMA before switching -- the first cycle is such a huge learning curve, and your doctors should have a new and improved protocol for your second attempt (if they don't, then switch immediately). The lab/embryologist also has a huge impact. Try not to worry too much about FSH levels and all the rest of it. At the end of the day, if it's meant to be, it will be. You have access to the very best clinics and doctors in the world. Trust that they will do EVERYTHING to get you pregnant. I sincerely hope that this cycle works, but if it doesn't, do not despair. Treat yourself to a large glass of wine and some sushi and give yourself a few days to grieve, then start again. If you truly want to be a mother, you will be. And once you are, all of the pain and suffering will make sense. GL!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 02:28 PM Flag
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[+] I've heard the term "fundraising" to help adopt. what is this? we want to adopt but... 19 replies
- ' orphans. Having kids, our own genetic kids and adopted kids, is largely motivated by selfish desires. We shouldn'...know what? The children who are currently available for adoption are already at last resort. They need families now...should support children and families. But spending $50-100K to adopt a healthy infant from a picturesque country is not...are opening yourself to their scrutiny. If you're adopting a severely disabled child, you will certainly pass such...
Talk : : December 09, 2011
I've heard the term "fundraising" to help adopt. what is this? we want to adopt but it's crazy expensive. could someone explain.
19 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 05:40 AM Flag ]One of my facebook "friends" had a drive on facebook where friends and friends of friends etc. were asked to donate.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:05 AM FlagIsn't this tacky? Or no? It does suck that adoption is so expensive...
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:06 AM FlagI think it can be appropriate if you handle it the right way. There are plenty of people with money who would love to support someone looking to adopt. Adoption is an awesome thing, and I'm very glad to support a friend in raising the necessary funds. Setting up a fund people can donate to is fine. Directly soliciting individual friends on FB is a pushy. One of my friends set up some webpage where people could donate, she explained their story and hopes for adoption, etc. There was a link to it on her FB, but she wasn't contacting people and asking them for donations. A hazy line, I suppose but I thought what she did was reasonable considering the cause.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:40 AM Flag
Be careful with this. We adopted from China so saw some of this going on when we went through the process. It's very controversial as some older adoptees whose parents had fundraisers now feel that they were charity cases and are to be pitied. It is expensive but in our case we did not have to pay all of the fees at once so that helps.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:45 AM FlagCollege is really expensive, too, but middle class people don't ask their friends to pay for their children's educations. You can ask potential grandparents, *maybe* unmarried aunts and uncles or a very very rich sibling, but that's it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:46 AM FlagWhat a nasty thing to say. How many of the world's orphans have you given a home to? Maybe we should just let them rot in orphanages because people like you don't want to be troubled to be part of the solution.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:10 AM FlagIf people really wanted to help the world's orphans, they would donate a fraction of the money it takes to adopt. That would allow the children to be cared for by their genetic family. I'm not opposed to international adoption, but believe that 99% of the time it is motivated by the very real desire for adults to have children (usually healthy infants) rather than 'save' orphans. Having kids, our own genetic kids and adopted kids, is largely motivated by selfish desires. We shouldn't ask strangers to subsidize it.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:21 AM FlagSure, it would be great to support the world's villages in such a way that kids could stay with their families and international adoption would only be a last resort, but you know what? The children who are currently available for adoption are already at last resort. They need families now and cannot wait for charities and community development programs to fix the obstacles preventing them from living with their birth families. We shouldn't make them sit in orphanages for the years that it would take to bolster a country's economy. We should support anyone who is ready to provide a home for them and at the same time work on longer term aid and development strategies. A lot of adoptive families host fundraisers before and after their adoption so that they can return to their child's community and give donations or construct a well, etc. And you think we shouldn't ask strangers to subsidize providing families for them?? Then maybe we shouldn't subsidize your child's public school. Sometimes it's nice when the haves share with others. Adoption fundraisers are entirely optional, so feel free to keep your spoil sport self at home.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:40 AM FlagWe obviously disagree. You seem unaware of the rampant abuse in international adoption. Many 'orphanages' in poor countries are more akin to boarding schools, where families leave their children expecting to reclaim them when they are financially able. Surely, you've heard of the US ban on adoptions from several countries, including Guatemala, due to widespread coercion and baby brokering. I do believe society should support children and families. But spending $50-100K to adopt a healthy infant from a picturesque country is not a public service, it's a private, and very loving gesture. I would be happy to support families who accept hard-to-place older and disabled children. But guess what -- it's cheaper to adopt those kids! Seems like adoption is a market transaction after all.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:48 AM FlagYes, I am completely aware of these issues and I have tried to counsel families away from asking for a healthy infant because I know that the high demand for those infants is a huge factor in corruption in international adoptions. No need to explain the situation to me. I also hugely support families going the special needs and older child route and I think it's terrible when families won't even look at those lists. Even then, there are costs involved in adoption and IMO the families deserve the support. A df is doing a fundraiser for a sever SN child who is coming home soon, but the family still has to pay thousands for the adoption. If you don't want to participate in a fundraiser, then don't. But don't knock all adoption fundraisers or say that the parents aren't allowed to ask for support.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:09 AM FlagHey, it's a free country and people can ask for whatever they want. But if you're asking for charity for your own family -- which is what OP is proposing -- you'd better be aware that people will notice in the future if you buy a nice car, take a week's vacation in Puerto Rico, etc. If you ask people to subsidize you, you are opening yourself to their scrutiny. If you're adopting a severely disabled child, you will certainly pass such scrutiny. If you're adopting a child who will qualify as 'diversity' and skip off to private school wearing designer clothes, people will resent having given you money.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:16 AM Flag
Lots of families are starting to do this. Spend some time in the forums at adoption.com and also read adoption blogs. You'll find lots of info that way. Also this blog has info on fundraising tips and grants that are available: http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/11/affording-adoption.html and http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/11/adoption-grants.html
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:13 AM Flag-
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[+] I've been engaged for 12 months now and getting married in July. There have been some... 132 replies
- Np: Why would you even consider marrying him? He's doesnt want to have his own life, family. He's looking for someone to adopt into his parents family. What's wrong with you? I mean, is he the first guy you dated after losing a lot of weight or something? Do you think you're on some self-hating or revenge against parents trip? Pull yourself together OP &...
Talk : : December 08, 2011
I've been engaged for 12 months now and getting married in July. There have been some weird things that have occurred with my fiance's family and wondering what people think. For starters, I am Jewish but not religious. My fiance's family is Catholic. I was told that we would have a Catholic wedding (mass, everything) and nothing Jewish, since my fiance's family finds it offensive. I was ok with that for a while, but now it feels strange. I told my fiance that I was thinking of giving up my biglaw job and going to a smaller firm. The next weekend, I am getting a lecture from my fiance's family regarding my career. Third, we have to spend every holiday with my fiance's family. Fourth, my fiance never consulted with me regarding job placement. It was announced in front of the entire family. I felt that I should have been the first to know. Fifth, I wrote a family story regarding my sister on the wedding website and my future MIL told me that it was inappropriate and had it removed. Is this much compromise normal? I am starting to feel very scared.
132 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 08:56 PM Flag ]i would tell fiance that you need to have serious talk and are putting off the wedding until some things get worked out. Things will only get worse if you let them, him take control of your life. I have never heard of anything so disresptectful, telling you you cannot honor your religion at your wedding???
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:59 PM FlagYes, I brought this up and the "family" needed to have a talk about it. The next time we visited them (we stay with them every weekend even though it's an hour drive from the city) and they decided that we could have a small ceremony of signing the ketubah the day following the wedding.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:00 PM FlagI would not agree to this, and your to be dh should not either, this is YOUR and HIS wedding, not theirs.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:02 PM FlagWell, that's the only way it works out since our wedding is on a Saturday and we can't do it on Friday or Saturday due to religious law.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:03 PM Flagif that was the real issue, then you would do it the thursday before the wedding. but no, they will not allow that because that would mean the jewish ceremony took precedence. correct?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:11 PM Flag
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Out out out. Your kids will be considered Jewish, their grandparents are likely to find that offensive. Lovely.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:07 PM FlagNp: Why would you even consider marrying him? He's doesnt want to have his own life, family. He's looking for someone to adopt into his parents family. What's wrong with you? I mean, is he the first guy you dated after losing a lot of weight or something? Do you think you're on some self-hating or revenge against parents trip? Pull yourself together OP & bail. Don't choose this nomsense.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:09 PM Flag-
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If I were you I would be a bit concerned. Look at each one of the items you just listed, and think of how it may play out in the long run. Do you want to consign yourself to never going to your family for a holiday? Never? Not even when you have dc that your family will want to see? I realize you are not religious now, and don't care too much about the wedding ceremony, but go back to the word "offensive" - do you want to marry into a family that finds your traditions offensive? What would happen if you wanted to some sort of Jewish tradition to welcome a dc into the family - even something benign like a naming ceremony? Would they find that offensive as well. I don't want to tell you things that will cause you to make rash decisions about something that you have obviously thought through many times. But I do think it is a good idea to sit down with your fiance and discuss each and every point you just told us. Please, do this for yourself.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:02 PM FlagYes, I have thought of that and I feel that a lot of this is my fault. I am not religious at all and have never made it a priority. I didn't see anything wrong with having a Catholic wedding since his family is very religious, but I also didn't anticipate how involved his family was going to be in our lives. It's crazy! His father even replaced my car with a BMW because he was embarrassed of what I was driving. It's hard to know if they are not just being super familial or controlling.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:05 PM Flagperhaps it is just "familialness" to an extreme - but that basically borders on controlling now, doesn't it? please talk to your fiance. about each and every thing you said. discuss specifically how things will occur in the future - not just now
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:08 PM Flag-
I've tried discussing it but he's very sensitive about his family. They are very close knit and anything said against them is seen as a huge insult. They are his life. I even go to their tailor now because they insisted that he's the best. It's crazy how super involved they are, but at the same time, they have the money so it's not like my life has taken a downgrade, it's been improved in a lot of ways.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:12 PM Flagthis is old-school pop psych, but can you frame the discussion using "I" statements instead if "you" statements? like, "I think that when we have dc, I'd like to have a Jewish naming ceremony. What do you/your fam think of that?" Or, "I think I'd like to sign the ketubah before the Catholic ceremony. Lets do that." Perhaps he'd be less defensive that way. Also - the money thing - that's CONTROLLING
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:14 PM Flag
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Its standard to find you MIL intrusive, but its troubling when inlaw family takes over things that should be decided by you and fiance, e.g. wedding. Given that you are already objecting to that loss of control across a number of issues, I'd say that you need a solution. Is fiance that much under their control? Who says that you have to spend every holiday with them? If you have any attachment to Judiasm or any atttachment your family which is attached to Judiaism then 'no Judiasm at the wedding because inlaws find it offensive' is a nonstarter.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:03 PM FlagHe is completely under their control. They are wealthy and bought his swank condo in the city. He keeps a BMW in the city, even though he only drives it once a month. They even have a rule that he's not allowed to have overnight guests at his place and it's rumored that the doorman keeps an eye on him. I never stayed the night at his place as a result.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:10 PM FlagOkay, either this is fake, or you are the most moronic woman alive. If this is real, call off the wedding, break up with the man-child, and go find someone else.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 05:31 AM FlagI'm not fake! His family is just very conservative and close-knit. They are very proud of being successful and I know that's why they were so upset when I mentioned to my fiance that I wanted to move on to a smaller firm. I am sick of this biglaw shit. I feel like crying every Sunday. His father told me that he would throw some business my way so that I could make partner quicker. Once I make partner, they said that I could reevaluate whether or not I want to stay. How is making partner going to make my life better? I don't know, but at the same time, I have a lot of pressure on me from my family to be successful as well. I know if I made partner, that would make them very happy.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:03 AM Flag
It's just me, but I would find all of this unacceptable. Even if your not religious, can you really kneel in front of a,statue and a priest? Also, I thought you kind of had to be Catholic to have a priest marry you. Wedding aside, making you pick his family for everything is cruel. Its like joining a cult. Do you have kids with this man? How is his family going to be then?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:04 PM FlagWe have been going to this Catholic marriage counseling thing every other weekend for the past few months. It's part of our pre-wedding requirements in order to be married by a Catholic priest. We don't have children, but his father bought me a new car.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:07 PM FlagYou've got to be freaking kidding me. A car?! So what? You owe him? This guy and his family are either killing your spirit, or you need to grow a pair. I still don't understand how a priest would agree to marry you in the first place. These people, including their son sound awful. You must in your heart know its true, otherwise you wouldn't be asking.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:14 PM Flag
Major red flags here. The fact that your fiance is letting his family have so much control and say in his life - especially at your expense - is a very bad sign. How long did you guys date before you got engaged and how old are you?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:06 PM FlagI am 30. We dated throughout college and I broke up with him because he might have cheated on me. Nothing certain, just a friend spotted him with another girl at a bar. We started dating again 3 years ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:08 PM Flag-
just saw your post. 30 is too old to be this controlled by your ILs-to-be. and too old to have a big elaborate wedding IMO. tell your fiancé how this all makes you feel, and tell him to grow up and stand up for you.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:12 PM FlagNot to hijack this comment, but 30 IS TOO OLD TO HAVE A BIG ELABORATE WEDDING??!!! What are we, in 1950? Where 30 is old maid territory?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:14 PM Flagno, 30 means you should have enough god damned sense to not participate in spending $70,000 on flowers, custom-printed name tags, and all the bullshit frippery that under-30s bankrupt themselves or indent themselves to parents or ILs for that special day. I would think that being 30 means you are wise enough not to spend multiple tens of thousands on a single event or to go all bridezilla about custom fabric for seat covers and shit.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:20 PM FlagSpending a lot on a wedding does not mean that you have gone Bridezilla. I don't see anything wrong with people spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding. I don't view a wedding budget as an indicator of intelligence. That's ridiculous.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:23 PM Flagit is such an outlandish waste of money, particularly when you're old enough to have a better idea what to do with it (e.g. down payment). or, if you're not paying for it yourself, you end up having your parents' or your ILs' version of a wedding ceremony forced down your throat.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:29 PM Flag
You just lost all legitimacy when you stated that 30 is too old for an elaborate wedding. Are you kidding?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:20 PM Flagas I said above, having a big elaborate wedding is a sign of immaturity. I can see that I have offended the bridezilla crowd.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:23 PM FlagI was never a bridezilla and I'm not myopic. I understand that there are a plethora of reasons as to why a couple would choose to have a large wedding. Strange to think that people view them as a sign of immaturity. Shows that they have a limited worldview and/or are jealous.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:27 PM Flag
I would think very hard about your relationship with your fiance and his relationship with his family, and how much he values you versus his family. In my experience, these issues only get worse, especially if you do get married and decide to have children. I don't think I could marry someone who would be so disrespectful of my views and my family.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:17 PM FlagOK OP: You are really the catholic one and HE and the family is jewish right? But you wanted advise that was not biased toward one religion or the other?
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 10:04 PM FlagI am Catholic. My advice to you is run, run far away from the crazy, controlling family and your borderline racist fiancé. I have plenty of married friends where one spouse is Catholic and the other is Jewish. They have come up with different ways of celebrating their faith (kids are Jewish, kids are Jewish but not circumcised, kids are secular, kids observe religious traditions of both extended families .... ) .... the choices are endless, but the point is they are choices not edicts from afar. Marriage is about respect, negotiation and communication. It doesn't sound like you have that with this man. I would postpone the wedding until you can determine if that will be possible. Don't him or his family disrespect you and your heritage, you deserve better. Most importantly, if you feel scared, go with your gut.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 11:01 PM FlagI totally understand what you are saying. I feel that in some way a lot of this is my fault in the sense that I am not religious at all. My mother isn't Jewish by birth, she was also Catholic, but underwent conversion when she married my father. We even used to meet family on Christmas and exchange presents that day since everyone had it off. I didn't even become bat mitzvah. So, I think this is why he feels it's ok to just steamroll over the Jewish thing.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:15 AM Flag^^ Catholic above again. He isn't steamrolling over some random "Jewish thing", he is steamrolling over you. It doesn't matter if you have been particularly observant up until this point, what matters is what you want and what you think is a significant way to mark the celebration of your wedding vows. If that means signing the ketubeh after a Catholic wedding, there is no rational objection to that other than flat out racism. Your wishes as the bride should absolutely be part of your wedding. I honestly cannot think of any Catholic priests I have ever met who would find that objectionable in a blended family.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:56 AM Flag
Run away as fast as you can. Some of this seems weird to you? I'd say all of this is weird. I have friends who've married into controlling families. They are Catholics too (both partners too--not sure if this really is relevant) and the FIL is so nutty--calls all the times, wants all the details--overly involved past any "loving family" into scary territory. Think twice what you're getting into. It gets worse as time goes on and kids are a factor. Didn't you have to have counselling to marry in the Catholic faith? I don'think it's allowed unless you convert or sign papers.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:32 AM FlagOH, Sweetie. This is horrible. I think you need a major time out, hit the pause button and lay down the law. MIL and family will be running (and ruining) your life from the moment you say "I do" - and DH seems to need some cojones, as another posted said. How old are you guys? This sounds like the kind of thing that happens with younger couples. So sorry. Major, major red flags.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:19 AM FlagDH's coworker was at her own wedding reception. MIL came over and laid down the law. Told her (the wife) how things would be working going forward. New wife listened. Got up. Left the reception. Went back to work on Monday. And filed for an anullment. She is now happily married (to someone else) with a lovely little family. Cut your losses, hun.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:19 AM FlagEven absent the religious issue, if you were making a sincere conversion before you met this guy, I'd tell you to run. This guy is not cut out to be a good dh. It is not too late to find the love of your life, and if you go through with this, you will regret it. Calling it off looks like an enormous mess, but staying is a much bigger mess.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:12 AM FlagWhere's your family? Friends? I'm RC and if someone I cared about was getting ready to marry into this family, I'd risk our relationship to try and straighten her out. This family may mean well, and there are reasons they're all enmeshed like this. It works for them. If you join them you will suffer.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:21 AM FlagMy friends have been very reserved with their comments. Last weekend, someone called him a dick due to an incident at his grandmother's house. They are keeping quiet on the issue if they have strong reservations.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:22 AM FlagDo they know how bad it is or only hat they see w their own eyes? Is there anyone who actually knows everything you posted here? Not trying to beat you up on this, but I think we all see that you need a wakeup call. Spend the holidays with your family this year if for no better reason than this will be the last one before you are married. Hopefully, the peace and distance will give you the strength to back out
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:41 AM FlagI only recently told them about it and they were silent. One of them rolled her eyes and said, "You need to think about this and be happy. My sister got divorced after 11mo of marriage because she didn't even want to go through with the wedding." They didn't say anything specific because I think they are afraid of insulting me.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:14 PM Flag
I have a lovely MIL and FIL. They are super sweet. My family is crazy and we don't see them. Every holiday we spend it with my DH family. It gets old very quickly. I LIKE these people. Once we had a baby, our schedule no longer belong to us. My husband pulls the "Grandma and Grandpa want to see their grandchild." card. It is very hard to argue against. Again, I like these people and I still want to pull my hair out sometimes. Its going to be a million times worse with you. Do you really want your DH families "advice" on how to raise your child. Think long and hard about this. Either you put your foot down and put it down hard, starting with the wedding or run away as fast as possible.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 05:36 AM FlagThere is no way I would marry someone with such an awful family. It's only going to get worse after you're married, especially if you have kids. Frankly, I don't think a discussion is going to cut it at this point - a leopard doesn't change its spots. I would call it off and find someone normal.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 05:44 AM FlagEven if religion were not an issue, you have bid problems. You spend every holiday and lots of weekends with his family? They have a say on your career and what type of car you drive? Youe future DH needws their approval for basic life decisions? WHY ARE YOU STILL ENGAGED? Do you think any of this will change when you are married?
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 05:52 AM Flagi believe boundaries and expections are set while dating before you are married. lots of holidays coming up, spend them with your family and see how he reacts...yes, this is a test! Better to test now, than just after married!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 06:58 AM FlagI've tried, but he has a much larger family than I do and my family lives in FL. We live in Manhattan, his family is in LI. So, it's a much bigger deal for us to fly down to FL to see my small family, which only includes my parents. I have one sibling in CA. He says that we MUST visit his family because his grandmother is old and everyone expects it, it would be rude not to go.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:25 AM FlagNP: I'm a newlywed, and prior to marriage my in-laws were very nice. After marriage, they came to visit *every weekend*. It is possible to start a healthy marriage with you in-laws around every weekend, which is basically the ony time you have to relax and bond with your new husband. My MIL didn't think they were extra trouble, but I always needed to be "on", there was alll the extra laundry from the guest bedroom sheets, and we'd have a power struggle over who got to cook in the kitchen. It may seem petty, but I get to cook in my kitchen. She never lets me touch anything in her kitchen, and when she fought with me to cook for her "boys" (FIL and DH) in DH's and my kitchen, I got really upset. She made me feel like a guest in my own home. I grew to resent DH for not setting boundaries with her. Don't take their money; they are velvet handcuffs. Trust me, you don't want the conditions the money comes with. If your fiance isn't willing to spend time with you and you alone, this marriage isn't going to work. You'll never be a team.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 10:17 AM Flag
Agree w everyone so far. Get it now. You have pretty much spent your 20s w this man -- unless you had a meaningful relationship in between and it's possible that you are a little scared to be alone so are putting on blinders. Every single one of your 5 points is a big red flag in and of itself. Get out right now. You are only 30 and you have a good career. If you stay longer or (much worse) actually go through w this, you will win up feeling alone and isolated and also worried that you are "too old" to find someone new. It won't be true then either but that will be another reason to stay too long. Realize too that fiance is the problem here, not the ILs. They are awful but he is actually encouraging all of this - by not objecti and uou say he even supports them!
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:05 AM FlagI had plenty of relationships other than this guy. We most definitely did not spend all of our 20s together.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:20 AM FlagGreat. I'm glad that you had serious enough relationships bat you aren't sticking it out in part bc he has been your only truly serious boyfriend. All of the rest that I and everyone else have said still stands. We don't know you so have nothing to gain but stayig just seems like recipe for lifelong ungappiness
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 09:27 AM Flag
It will only get worse when you get married. When I was dating my DH there were a few things that I found odd and nothing this extreme. It only gets worse. It's true that you really do marry their family. My inlaws drive me nuts, but they are not controlling and DH stands up for me. DH-to-be needs to stick up for you and not be so easily controlled by his family. If he can't do that, I would get out ASAP.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 07:15 AM FlagCouldn't agree more, OP, you need to leave. He is unapologetic in putting his family before on every aspect of your lives already. When you have kids, it will only get worse, though I'm actually hard pressed to see how it could get much worse. BTW, you are never too old to have an elaborate first wedding. At some point, you may be too old to have your parents foot the entire bill but that's another story and totally irrelevant here
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 08:26 AM FlagWow. This is terrible. Your fiance has a major boundary issue. He doesn't seem to understand what is due to his relationship with you, and cannot recognise when family involvement is inappropriate. It sounds like he may lack his own individual identity, and was raised to feel that this is normal. But it means you can't really know him or trust him completely. I would back away from this one, slowly.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:06 AM FlagOP, please tell us what happened; and what you decided to do. I hope you did have a talk with your fiance frankly, because this really is important. When DH and I met, this was 12 yrs ago, his parents were really sweet to me and kept to themselves. I didn't have a chance to find out if DH would stand up to them, I knew they were very close, but I just didn't know. Over the years I found out that DH would absolutely put his family's happiness in front of mine. Basically what they thought was much more important than what I felt. We are different cultures, but I am quite liberal. They translated this to mean you don't have culture, so its up to us to educate you about ours. It got so much worse after DC. Now 10yrs of marriage later, I am estranged from my in-laws. Don't talk to them, don't see them. While DH keeps them involved with DC and himself, but understands now that he screwed up many times early on and this is how it will be now. If we didn't have DC, we would be spitsville. With red flags like you have, you should at least be wiling to have the conversation.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:26 AM FlagTo OP: this is a cautionary tale but seems like it sort of worked out for the OR (meaning they are still married) despite what I'm sure was a lot of misery. Don't assume it will even work out this well.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:30 AM Flagor- it worked because DH doesn't think he can live without me, and is willing to live with this compromise that makes him very sad and his family furious. But he is unwilling and unable to set proper boundaries for them, and on some level he knows and accepts that.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:55 AM Flag
Why do you have to spend every holiday with your fiance's family? Why not just Christmas and Easter (assumedly 2 big holidays for them) and spend Thanksgiving and NYE(or some other visit) visiting your family in Florida? Unless your fiance and his family realize he is starting a new family now with other obligations in addition to them, and that they cannot hog all of his time, then your marriage will be a miserable and unbalanced one.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:35 PM FlagThis post can't be real. Run, OP! Run quick. Make like Flo Jo and get the hell away from the dickless fiance and his douche bag family. I WISH a future-MIL would try to square up on me about my wedding, my job, my family, and my religion. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. OP, no good is going to come from this union. Your DH already showed himself to be disrespectful towards what makes you, well you. Though being Jewish isn't the entire you and you are made of many aspects, your DH needs to respect ALL of you. If he can't then you need to drop him like third period french.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 04:32 PM Flag
[+] Can you tell me about your family Xmas traditions? specific things like decorations, ... 15 replies
- star we got the year we bought our first house), christmas cookies, xmas eve service at church --the kids service, not midnight mass anymore, and fondue dinner on xmas eve. Plus presents and dinner on Xmas day. Also, every year we 'adopt' kids from one of the local charities to buy gifts for -- same age and gender as each child we have....
Talk : : December 08, 2011
Can you tell me about your family Xmas traditions? specific things like decorations, foods, etc. We are "by ourselves" (no extended family) this year for the first time and I want to make it special for 4 yo & 18 mon old (mostly the former, obviously). I was raised jewish so don't have any of my own traditions; Dh not that into the whole thing. TIA.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.08.11, 07:35 AM Flag ]-
We've "made up" tons of traditions for our family. DC are now 17 and 21. We decorate the tree much later that most people, usually a few days before Xmas (started when DC were little and didn't want them pulling over the tree. For the first few years, we put it up on XMas eve, after the kids had gone to be bed. they were surprised with the tree in the morning.) For us, decorating is very special because how we have collected the ornaments over the years. Each person receives a special one each year, recognizing something personal. We tell the stories as we decorate -- a trip to Maine, basketball championship, learning to ride a bike. And shopping for the special ornament is a highlight. DH and DD go to the local art museum every year (even though she technically out grew the age range 4 years ago). Music, Special food. 1000 piece puzzle to wourk on throughout the day. New Family game each year. Looking at Christmas lights. And when they were younger, my DH insisted on at least one present that could be played with on Xmas morning. Oh, and annual pajama night on Xmas eve, so everyone wakes up in new pajames on Xmas morning. Do we sound incredibly goofy? We never spend a lot of money but we have great memories.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 07:52 AM Flag^^ for their program. 1000 piece puzzle to work on throughout t he day. New family game each year to play. Special food (fried chicken!), corny music, walking through the nabe, looking at the lights. New pajamas on Xmas Eve so we all have new PJs on Xmas morning (has morphed into yoga pants and sweats). We sound sooo corny but we have a great time. Don;t spend much on gifts, though.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:04 AM Flag
opening a gift (new pjs) on xmas eve, a special breakfast, like monkey bread or cinnamon buns on xmas day. decorate a gingerbread house a few days before christmas.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:42 AM FlagOur matching stockings (lovingly knit by a family member when I was a baby, now everyone new to the family--by marriage or birth--gets one made to match), a new ornament each year for the kids, opening just one present on Xmas Eve (new pajamas), cutting down our tree and decorating it (including our special star we got the year we bought our first house), christmas cookies, xmas eve service at church --the kids service, not midnight mass anymore, and fondue dinner on xmas eve. Plus presents and dinner on Xmas day. Also, every year we 'adopt' kids from one of the local charities to buy gifts for -- same age and gender as each child we have.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:50 AM FlagFor food: making Xmas cookies (decorated sugar cookies in Xmas shapes) during the season, my mom making fudge and fruitcake during the season, candy canes on the tree, fondue on Xmas eve and very basic traditional Xmas dinner (spiral cut ham, dinner rolls, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie and apple or pecan pie).
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 08:55 AM Flag
I always buy new pjs for the kids and let them open them on xmas eve and wear them. We make sugar cookies and decorate them for Santa and make gingerbread men and put them on the tree. We sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn. We go to at least one holiday concert, parade or other non-commercial event each yr, usually more. I let the kids pick toys and books they would like to receive and donate them to charity.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 09:02 AM FlagXmas tree goes up the second week of December and we all decorate. Each dc has a special ornament, we bake sugar cookies, brownies with peppermint icing, watch classic Xmas movies with hot chocolate, read Xmas stories why sucking on candy canes, attend mass Xmas eve. Oh I love Christmas!
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:19 PM FlagWe celebrate both holidays and my ds is 5 now. Our Christmas traditions: decorating a gingerbread house a few days before, putting the ornaments on the tree together while playing holiday music - first telling the stories of the ones from when I was a child and now we have a collection of ornaments with stories from his life (vacations, pre-k crafts etc), reading a pop up night before christmas book every christmas eve, leaving cookies out for santa and his elves and as of last year we added elf on the shelf. We have no extended family near us, so in the morning when we open presents the laptop goes on a step stool and my parents watch and hang out with us via skype. Then we make a big breakfast - pancakes and bacon and eggs is a huge holiday treat. any small thing can easily evolve into tradition - however the most meaningful to me growing up and now having kids is the stories and history with all of the ornaments
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:29 PM Flagso so much: read the night before christmas every christmas eve, hang stockings, put a nice red ribbon across the top of stairs to "stop" kids from going downstairs in the am, church, open presents first, then breakfast, then stockings, blast christmas carols for the days leading up to christmas, make cookies, go see santa in the mall, new matching pjs christmas eve for kids...it's exhausting and fun!
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 04:32 PM Flag
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[+] Comment on the strength of the math curriculum at these schools: Cathedral, Trevor, ... 9 replies
- I am sure it is. They all do TERC except for a small handful of enlightened schools that just recently adopted Singapore. Many parents do not even know what their kids' math curriculum is which is very sad....
Talk : : December 07, 2011
Comment on the strength of the math curriculum at these schools: Cathedral, Trevor, VCS, LREI. First-hand knowledge especially appreciated.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.07.11, 06:35 PM Flag ]-
Cathedral is definitely not TERC! Most privates don't subscribe to "one" math curriculum (TERC, Singapore, Everyday, etc.) like the publics, but instead draw from the best of some/all of them. I know Cathedral does. Cathedral uses manipulatives in K and 1st but at the same time drills in the times tables and other operations via "Math Minutes" ...we find it an excellent program and very bright DC (now in Upper School) is challenged and learning a lot.
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 12:38 PM Flag
Cathedral tour guide with multiple kids there said it is TERC
[ Reply | More ]12.08.11, 05:52 PM FlagLREI teaches finger counting addition/subtration in 6th grade. Advanced math students in 12th grade are taught fingers & toes counting.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 03:04 AM Flag-
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[+] Tormented and Conflicted every single day - Need Advice please.... So I am almost 41... 21 replies
- Adoption? Stay on your meds, no risk to baby, no PPD. Why is adoption not on the table?...
- have you thought about adoption?...
- Adoption may be tricky with a history of mental issues.... but cannot be physically be pregnant (for a number of reasons), adoption is the way to go....
Talk : : December 07, 2011
Tormented and Conflicted every single day - Need Advice please.... So I am almost 41 years old and would love another child (have one). Problem is that I am on 100mgs of Zoloft for severe anxiety coupled with OCD which started when I became pregnant several years ago. Had terrible postpartum etc. My heart is breaking because I want another child yet don't think I can be off of the medicine. trust me I have tried and with a drs supervision. Psychaitrist feels the Zoloft is relatively safe but I can't seem to go through with it. I keep saying to myself "what if something happens to the baby - will I always blame the zoloft, myself etc"? Time is slipping, stress is getting greater. I need to make a decision already and am frozen in fear. Do I take the Zoloft and try to get pregnant or just forget it and accept that I will have one child? :(
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.07.11, 08:19 AM Flag ]I wouldn't do it on meds. But only you can decide if you're OK with that risk vs going off meds and risking depression. Or not having a baby at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:24 AM FlagIt sounds like it is just not meant to be. My MIL was in a similar situation. She got really involved in sponsoring kids from other countries, to make their lives better. She also started teaching a class at San Quentin. I think sometimes just recognizing that it's not going to happen and moving on and replacing that child dream with something else can work. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:29 AM FlagI'd be more concerned that having another baby could exacerbate your symptoms or cause a backslide into your OCD behaviors and psych problems then that the baby would damaged by the meds themselves. Having a second baby is a major stressor, and you need to be healthy to provide a good environment for your kids and to keep your marriage strong. Have you talked to your therapist about the chances that this will occur? Have you discussed coping strategies and support systems you will need with a second child? Personally, I think this is a big risk to take but if you want to do it, I would be thinking about way more than just whether you can have a healthy baby while taking Zoloft.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:29 AM Flag-
It sounds like you are still emotionally unsteady. I would say be happy with your child and don't use another one to fulfill happiness you're seeking. You don't NEED one. Extra children add anxiety to any family with just being a newborn etc. How old is yours?
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 08:45 AM FlagI had terrible post partum with first dd...I was 39, I continued to take zolof which really helped. I then got pregnant again at 42 while still on zoloft. had second dd, still on zoloft and had the best post partum experience with her! It saved my life and was no problem to take zoloft (at a less miligram) throughout my pregnancy and after. My dd's are now 4 and 7 and I'm off zoloft and feel great.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 09:18 AM Flag
[+] Forgive my ignorance- is being Jewish a religion or an ethnicity? I don't understand... 36 replies
- my DS goes to a Jewish school 1/4 of her class are not white. some are adopted or children of converts. however, although in America most Jewish people are Eastern European, a large percentage of Jews (meaning generational Jews by birth, who have the "Jewish" DNA and are not converts) are Arabic (Yemenite, Iraquis, Syrian, etc. often...
Talk : : December 06, 2011
Forgive my ignorance- is being Jewish a religion or an ethnicity? I don't understand how AsianMom can't be Jewish- can't people convert to Judaism?
36 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 11:32 PM Flag ]Yes, absolutely people can convert, no matter what their original ethnicity. They are considered full Jews according to Jewish law. There are Jews of every ethnicity. It seems that if a person has no religious connection to Judaism, he is more likely to say that Jewish is an ethnicity and you can't become Jewish. More religious people consider converts to be Jewish if the conversion was done properly.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 03:34 AM Flagit's a bit of a gray area. Most American Jews in terms of numbers are European Ashkenazi Jews, which certainly is an ethnic group, with it's own language - Yiddish - and because of Jewish marriage laws which were mostly observed for a very long time, a relatively coherent genetic pool. On the other hand, Judaism is of course a religion, but not one that proselytizes, indeed conversion to Judaism is literally discouraged by Orthodox rabbis. So, it's both, but more correctly a religion.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 04:34 AM FlagThey are saying her child can't be Jewish because his mother isn't. They believe their religion can only be passed down through the mother. As a result, there is a lot of resentment toward men who "marry out". And women, being women, take out their resentment on the wives and children of these men.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 04:41 AM FlagCould you elaborate on this? Why do the Jewish women take out their resentment on the wives and children? Is it "You took our men!" kind of thing? Or is it just snobbishness?
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 04:47 AM FlagUmm, in this particular case, the resentment would be that the Asian mom has chosen not to convert. Thus she has chosen to stay outside. But then she expects to get the benefits of the community and its education at her own convenience. That said, she'd be embraced by reform Jews.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 04:56 AM Flagnp: I think its "you took our men" just like when an AA man marries a white girl.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 04:58 AM Flagto be fair, living in nyc, we have a skewed view of just how many Jews are in the world. so, you can imagine it might be tough competition finding a mate from a similar background if you're Jewish. there are only 14 million Jews in the world about 5 million of them live in the US. compare that to the 35 million black people (of all national origins) who live in America alone. just to give you some perspective the native american population numbers at 2.7 million. 1.57 billion people are Muslim (that's 23% of the world's population) 7 million Muslims live in America currently. 2.1 billion people in the world are Christian - in America 78% of people identify as Christian.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:46 AM Flag-
Technically, unless the mother converts, the child is not Jewish. Also, the validity of the conversion is also an issue. Ironically, Judaism used to tranfer via patriarchy in ancient times, but they change this about 200-300 years ago. However, the child and/or the mother can convert.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:09 AM FlagJudaism has been matrilineal since at least 220 AD when the Mishnah was first written down, and probably much longer than that in Pharisaic tradition. The logic, I have always been told, is that while you don't always know who the real father of a child is, you always know who the real mother is.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:25 AM Flag-
no, Judaism goes by matrilineal descent regardless of Ashkenaz or Sephardic tradition. Judaism is a religion, and you can convert to it. If you do, you are 100% Jewish, just like someone who was born Jewish. If you are a woman, then if you convert, your kids are born Jewish.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:55 AM Flag
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There are different beliefs in this even in Judaism. Just like x'tianity there are levels of orthodoxy. My 2 dcs are converts to Judaism as I myself am not Jewish. They are considered Jews in our conservative synagogue. Some sects would not consider them Jews. But my feeling is--that's those sects problem.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:02 AM Flag
my DS goes to a Jewish school 1/4 of her class are not white. some are adopted or children of converts. however, although in America most Jewish people are Eastern European, a large percentage of Jews (meaning generational Jews by birth, who have the "Jewish" DNA and are not converts) are Arabic (Yemenite, Iraquis, Syrian, etc. often very dark), Ethiopian, Hispanic, Indian, even Asian, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:07 AM FlagI don't think it is an ethnicity,but it is a culture. Different ethnicites bring different things to the culture,but being Jewish has a cultural as well as a religious identity.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 05:57 AM Flagmany anthropologists view Jews as an ethnicity because: a) it commemorates the Exodus from Egypt b) its main holidays relate to the events in the life of its founder, Abraham c) it uses a lunar calendar d) its rituals derive from the agricultural cycle in Israel e) the holy text is the foundation of the religion
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 09:14 AM Flag
many anthropologists view Jews as an ethnicity because: a) it commemorates the Exodus from Egypt b) its main holidays relate to the events in the life of its founder, Abraham c) it uses a lunar calendar d) its rituals derive from the agricultural cycle in Israel e) the holy text is the foundation of the religion
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 09:15 AM Flag
Converting to Judaism is not easy. Judaism has the opposite view to it than Christianity. It doesn't try to assimilate. You have to really want it to convert.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:12 AM FlagTechnically ethnicity refers to culture but in the us it is often an euphamism for race. Judiasm is not a race where traits are passed down (although due to long term endogamy intermarriage there are genetic commonalities) but a religion and set of traditions. Therefore someone can consider themselves jewish even if they do not believe in god. It is commonly believed that the matrilineality of being jewish is due to the fact that you always know who your mother is.
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 06:16 AM Flagthere are genetic similarities in Jews. youc an read this or any of the scientific papers of MF Hammer for more info. http://www.aish.com/ci/sam/48937817.html
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 09:18 AM Flag
[+] How do you supplement for your elementary school kids? I am printing out practice she... 19 replies
- When the common core is adopted, proficiency with the algorithms will be come mandatory. this is a step in the right direction, IMO....
Talk : : December 06, 2011
How do you supplement for your elementary school kids? I am printing out practice sheets for her to do. Is that sufficient? Do I have to enroll her with certain programs?
19 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 11:17 AM Flag ]Write down things you feel are important for a child to learn (examples are correct spelling, formal grammar, science, cursive handwriting, long division with multi-digit divisor, foreign language). Then find out if and when your child's current school teaches these things. You can supplement areas that aren't covered at an age-appropriate time in a variety of ways. For example, cursive can be taught with a program called Handwriting Without Tears.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:25 AM FlagWhy do you feel the need to supplement? I would only bother where something is lacking like when I taught my 4th grader the addition and subtraction algorithms this summer.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:29 AM Flagwhat do you mean by "addition and subtraction algorithms?" Is it adding a column and carrying to the next column like I was taught in the dark ages?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:31 AM Flagyup. Borrowing and carrying. It is against the philosophy of TERC and EDM to teach this, though they show it to students at some point.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 12:55 PM Flagnp: How do they teach it? Dc's school teaches them to regroup a 10, which is pretty much the same thing as carrying the one, just better explained. Not TERC or EDM, btw.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 01:00 PM FlagYou "regroup" a bunch of times to arbitrarily to friendly-type numbers, but you never get to the punch line of stacking and carrying in their methods. When you get to much larger numbers, you are supposed to use a calculator.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 01:05 PM Flagthat's why I like the math program at my children's school -- they teach the "new" way first, but at the beginning of 3rd grade they teach the addition and subtraction algorithms and at the beginning of 4th grade they teach the multiplication and division algorithms.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 01:17 PM Flag
child reads and we talk about the story/book/chapter. we play games that involve dice for math, scrabble for spelling, child writes stories, we look up different countries on globes and maps, research anything we're interested in online, role-play social situations, sometimes if child is studying something in school, we do something related, like when they were doing egypt in school, we made drawings that look egyptian. no practice sheets. enough rote going on at school.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 01:53 PM Flag
[+] This is a spinoff of the many money posts of the last several weeks. I'm an aunt, and... 28 replies
- you're too young to deciding this. Put your relatives in the will, but younever know what might happen.You could end up adopting as a single mom...
Talk : : December 06, 2011
This is a spinoff of the many money posts of the last several weeks. I'm an aunt, and I probably won't have kids of my own. My nieces and nephews will probably inherit me, and whatever money I don't spend on myself and my retirement can go to whomever and whatever I wish. I hope that I can grow into a supportive aunt that they enjoy spending time with, and it would be an honor to be able to provide certain opportunities and contribute to DBs' education and pay for summer school, camps, travel. As a parent, would you welcome something like this from your sister or SIL? I want to make sure I'm not overstepping my boundaries. I feel a little eccentric even thinking about this, but I'm almost certain I won't have kids, so a part of me thinks that I might as well factor my nieces and nephews into my financial plans.
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 05:32 AM Flag ]That's amazing. My DH has an "auntie" like this. She is a huge part of his life and he thinks of her like a second mother. We make sure she is always with us for holidays and there is no doubt in my mind that if she needed it (which she probably won't) he would move her in with us without a second thought. It can be a very powerful relationship for both you and your nieces and nephews.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:39 AM Flagnp:I have a similar aunt to the above woman's DH. She's my mom's younger sister. She's never had a lot of money but she always had time and lots of love to give and I adore her. And my DH does, too. He is not close to any of his aunts/uncles. We'll probably have to care for her in her dotage but we are both OK with that. Someone below asks some good questions about location, how close you are to the parents, etc. which I think are important. But perhaps instead of helping pay for school (which is super generous) what about offering to take them on some great, inspirational trips. Travel is such a valuable education. Don't know if the parents can already afford that, but they may welcome a week off! But your influence will end up being more important to them than the money you spend so my two cents is to use your money to spend time with them -- take them on adventures they will remember fondly forever don't just send them away to camp -- they may not know or care who is paying for that. What if they got an annual vacation with you?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:29 AM Flag
OP here, thanks for all the kind responses. Somehow I find everyone's words really moving, and I don't even know why!
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:48 AM FlagI would be really excited for my kids if their aunts wanted to be that involved. My mother had an aunt like this growing up and she has such wonderful memories of skiing together and trips to the symphony. I think it is important for kids to develop relationships with other supportive adult family (or close friends).
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:06 AM FlagHi OP aunt, can I hijack your post slightly to ask you a question? Do you live near your nieces & nephews? How old are they? How did you develop such a strong bond with them? Any tips for creating that with my sister's kids? They live on the opposite coast, so I'm worried I'll never have that closeness. They're still very young, though, so maybe there is time.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:16 AM FlagI'm not the OP Aunt, but I'm a young aunt with a lot of nieces and nephews. I'm at every birthday party, invite them for fun sleepovers in the city, etc. I call often and visit often as well. I know their friends and what's going on at school. I know you said you don't live close so a lot of this isn't possible for you but have you ever tried Skype with them? Try setting up a weekly (or so) Skype date with them. I do this with out of town friends and there is something more special about it than just talking on the phone because you can actually see them. Also, when they are old enough start writing letters (real, detailed letters!) that are "just for them".
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:24 AM Flag
You are so incredibly sweet! Your family is so lucky to have you. I have a sister without kids and am so happy she's involved in my kids' lives. The more the better. There is no overstepping boundaries when you're a relative imo. Unless you're going against what at the parents allow their kids to do.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:31 AM FlagWOW, you are an amazing person/auntie. Of course your sibling/in-law would welcome that. And you know what would be great too, if you can (don't know how far you live from them) -- don't wait for them to get older to spend time with them, make it a regular occurrence starting as soon as they are born. Doesn't have to be something 'expensive' like going to a Broadway show; I am thinking you could take them to the playground, to a movie, for ice cream, just ordinary things and enjoy each other's company. Your post made me get a little teary; I wish my dd's uncle/aunt would spend time with her!
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:32 AM FlagMy mom came from a poor family and was lucky enough to have an aunt like you. It was literally life changing for her.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:32 AM FlagYou know, we are in a somewhat similar situation. Mine is the first white collar generation, and I really want to see people moving forward and having those opportunities. In a sense it might be a blessing in disguise that as much as I like kids I've never really felt a yearning to have children of my own.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:46 AM Flag
you are SO KIND to even think about this. i would absolutely be ecstatic if any of my siblings if they had this relationship with my children. let it evolve naturally, don't push yourself in, and be careful with the money stuff because your siblings might have an unexpected reaction to your generosity, as it may make them feel bad that they can't afford to do what you're doing.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:03 AM FlagI think this is wonderful, unless you're Sil-Hater (a UB regular, in case you missed it). That makes me think that you should work hard to have a good relationship with your siblings and in-laws (the kids' parents), which will facilate a positive relationship with their children.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:34 PM Flag-
Mid 30s. I just don't think it's in the cards. Too much would need to change, and somehow I just don't see it happening. I haven't really been lucky in love, either. Some women find these things so natural. That's why I originally came here, actually. I just wanted to understand this world of babies and kids and young families a little better.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:15 PM Flag
[+] It's official. After a lot of consideration, I have decided to only have one child. 69 replies
- np if you really do want to adopt, don't let money stop you! lots of people are "fundraising" these days because it's so...
- ITA! Plus, adopting an infant through foster care is free in some states or only a few hundred. You can also apply for adoption grants from lots of places. I know OR didn't ask about this, but I always feel...
Talk : : December 06, 2011
It's official. After a lot of consideration, I have decided to only have one child.
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 04:32 AM Flag ]Curious, what is your decision based on? I also have an only, and it is absolutely the right decision for our family.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:40 AM FlagI wasn't yearning for another. I would have liked a sibling for dc, but I feel like I would only be having the baby for that reason alone. I also realized it would be difficult paying for college for two children. This is a priority because I was bogged down with student loans and would never want that for my dc. I honestly feel that it was more social pressure than what was right for my family. How is it with one dc? How old?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:50 AM Flagi was you. i thought that i wanted just one, but i just found out i can't have anymore unless i do IVF. now i really want another. ds is 5 at ss. everyone has siblings. it's difficult and no matter how much people say they don't, they judge only children. wish we had the money to adopt.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:04 AM Flagnp if you really do want to adopt, don't let money stop you! lots of people are "fundraising" these days because it's so expensive, and others are glad to help families in this way, from what i've seen.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:38 AM Flag-
The stereotype is that they are self-centered spoiled brats who have trouble getting along with other people. The reality is far from that. I'm an only child, btw. I've felt "jokingly" judged but that never bothered me. Lots of people asked me if I felt that I was missing out by not having a sibling growing up. I didn't at the time. Maybe a little now that I have 2 kids, but them's the breaks. I had a good childhood.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:20 AM FlagDitto! Loved my childhood and it's only watching my two kids together that makes me think maybe I missed out. But really there's no damage done here.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:24 AM FlagMy life would not have worked with a sibling but DH actively dislikes one of his siblings and has only gotten along with the other because she and I created a bond. There's no guarantees that siblings will support each other as they grow up.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:53 AM FlagITA. I see that with my mother who's always in it with her sibs. She's the oldest and so she has to do everything for her parents even though there are five of them. I don't mind having to care for my parents when the time comes. They are mine and I love them. At least there won't be resentment over the siblings not helping out.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:58 AM Flag
"They" don't just judge only children, they judge parents of onlies! Onlies are s'posed to be self-centered, spoiled and lonely and their parents (this would be me, in theory!) are selfish, distracted, incompetent and either too rich (and too distracted to outsource care!) or too poor (can't afford to fill luxury suv with babies/pay tuition/etc)... I spent years in a babysitting coop where dd was accepted happily but I had to practically bribe parents to leave their (multiple) kids with me when it was my turn to reciprocate. And during preschool years, the coffee dates at drop off were often new moms going off with infants in strollers and never including those of us without!
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 03:38 PM Flag
Idiots judge. Why should OP care what idiots think? Better yet, why should OP care what ANYONE ELSE thinks when it come to her decision to have children?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:18 AM Flag-
It's actually quite easy to live your life without worrying about what UB will say
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 10:43 AM FlagNP People IRL are totally ready to talk about this. I have a colleague who asks me 1X a week when I'm having another.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:57 AM Flagor: yep, that was my point. It's not about ignoring UB comments, it's the constant barrage of incredulous questioning that you'd dare only have one. I get questions or comments almost weekly. No one hesitates, or even considers the possibility that I *can't* have another and such questions are rude and personal.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 12:05 PM Flag
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I'm an only child and I hated it. That's why we had 2. But 2 is a lot harder than just 1. Be happy with your decision. I barley have the "bandwidth" for raising 2.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:44 AM FlagI have an only child. My daugher is just fine. Having a sibling does not guarantee you will get along with that person. Most times I do not get along with my sister and we barely speak. My mother has 6 siblings and they are all out for themselves.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:53 AM FlagI only wanted one child and that is what we have. The only reason I would have had another was to give my daughter a sibling/support system for when dh and I are old/dead, which really isn't a good reason. It does seem unfair to put the burden only on her but I did not think I could be a good parent to more than one child, and it would have been more unfair for one of my children to grow up feeling "less than". We will just have to work hard and make "extra" money so she can hire help when we are old and decrepit. That said, my brother is one of my best friends and I loved him dearly from the second he was born, and I do feel guilty for depriving her of that. On the other hand (I'm running out of hands), neither one of my parents has a good/any relationship with his/her sibling, so there is no guarantee. Another factor in our decision was financial, although I realize that if we both desperately wanted a second child we would have somehow made it work. As for judging, I really don't care what other people think about most things; certainly not about how many kids I decide to have.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:41 AM Flag"The only reason I would have had another was to give my daughter a sibling/support system for when dh and I are old/dead, which really isn't a good reason." I've got no problem with having just one child, but why isn't this a good reason?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:48 AM Flagnp: because its far from guaranteed, and als onot the only way for a child to have a support system.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:49 AM FlagIt's sort of too much rationalizing, I think. You have a child either because you want a child or because you want to watch children developing a bond and enjoying each other. To have a child just for the support when you're dead thing is a bit morbid and almost like you're talking yourself into having another child, imo.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:27 AM Flaghahaa! "because you want a child or because you want to watch children developing a bond and enjoying each other" A very simplified if not biased comment if I've ever heard one.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 08:22 AM FlagBiased how? I am an only child and loved it. I have two kids because I wanted to have two kids, not because I felt dc#1 needed a sibling. I don't think one is better than the other, I am simply saying the decision to have a child, imo should be based on the kind of family you want, not on the idea that one child needs a sibling to help them take care of you when you're old or dying.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:08 AM Flag
Because if I am a lousy mother to more than one child, which I think I would be, one of the two children is going to grow up unhappy. So having a second child to give my dd a support system is not going to be fair overall to either the second or the first child. By the way, this is JUST me; I am not saying that OTHER people can't be awesome parents to more than one child! I just don't think I personally could be so am afraid of damaging a child the way I grew up. For a long time I did not think I could be a good mother at all and it is a miracle (to me) that I could get past my childhood. I wouldn't push my luck further.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:03 AM Flag
I'm an only child, and my parent are both foreign (so I have no relatives in this country)--- I've never been concerned about coping when they're old. Here's why: I'm grown up an only; I didn't lose a sibling. So that's all I know, and I've grown up aware of the future, very independent and am now old enough to have support, a husband and will be ready when my parents need me. It will be fine.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:46 AM Flag-
or: I'm glad (sorry for the rampant typos!)- I think everone adapts for their own individual situation. I also believe that some siblings are more of a burden than being an only; both of my parents have siblings with whom they have a strained or non-existant relationship because the sibs are awful, jealous, selfish people. I'd rather be an only, if you ask me.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:16 AM Flag
I'm an OR from below whose DH is an only and dealing with sick father. I'd just add that, while you may think you are ready when your parents need you (as my DH was), the reality can be much more difficult than you expect. I'm glad I have a sibling to rely on when the same thing happens with my parents.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:06 AM FlagThis is one anecdotal situation. We can give you many more where siblings don't help, where parents don't get sick, where onlies are easily able to financially support their parents and have the emotional support they need. Having a kid for something that MIGHT happen in 40 or 50 years is pretty dumb IMO. Obviously that can be a consideration, but it is just stupid if it is your only reason.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 12:02 PM Flag
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Good for you. It's a really tough decision, one I'm struggling with right now. What's more, I feel like it's a decision that really goes against the grain of what people seem to want or expect, so you spend a lot of time explaining yourself or defending yourself. Even now when I suggest we might just have one I get these very direct opinionated responses.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:34 AM FlagI'm still considering. We currently only have the finances for one (unless DS gets into G&T or Hunter) and I only have the mindspace for one (unless DH's business takes off and we can hire a nanny) and I don't feel the Urge for another and DS is wonderful and I would hate to see anything inhibit that. On the other hand, I am an only and I know the positives and negatives of that - DS will have lots of family from DH and cousins that I'm close to. I'm giving it one more year of discussion/see where the financial and educational chips fall and then we might be right there with you.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:52 AM FlagTo add on to what an OR wrote above: I thought I only wanted one, but recently DH (an only child) is having to deal with his very difficult father who is having health problems in a different city. It is a HUGE burden on him (financially and emotionally) and to take care of his father, he has to spend lots of time away from me and, most importantly, db. It has really made me realize the value of having siblings to support each other with family issues. I know this isn't what OP wants to hear, but I think it is worth considering.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:04 AM FlagThis assumes the sibling is helpful and supportive and cooperative.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:27 AM Flagnp - I have an only by choice and I am also an only child. Believe me, if your dh had siblings, it might not matter re care for his father. He may still be the one taking all the time and spending all the money. I have seen this over and over again with friends (though I have to say that this happens with women more than men).
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:27 AM Flag^^^And I even have friends for whom having siblings during a parent's illness or death made it WORSE. It ranges from needy/greedy sibs to mentally ill sibs to sibs who kidnapped a dying parent so that my friend never saw her mother again (she died abroad with the sister who kidnapped her)
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:29 AM Flag
OP-My father has two siblings who both live out of state. When my grandmother became ill no one was around to help. Now that she has passed away, my father is still left with the burden of taking care of his father everyday. He visits him, handles bills, doctors appointments and his siblings are no where to be found.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:41 AM Flag
As an only, one thing to think about is to make sure that you have a good relationship with your DIL or SIL. I've often told DH that no matter what happens to me, he has to take care of my parents. He's had the financial and emotional benefit of being married to a wealthy only child, but that comes with some consequences.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:58 AM FlagThat would make two of us! I am in my early 30's, have only one, and people always assume, there's a "next one" but there probably will not be another. My dh and I have a lot of interests, my dd is an awesome child, and we love the idea of "getting our life back" - going out, pursuing other interests, etc. again soon. Many of our friends are our age and older and don't have children -- if that's any indication of the way in which we like to exist. Plus, I think I would just lose it if I had to be with all that noise and activity of more than one child. I am already a pretty quiet person to begin with, and it would get on my nerves. DH had two siblings, and I had one -- relationships with them are fine, but we also feel that we would have been fine being only children ourselves, too.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:52 PM Flag
[+] anybody on here a "messianic jew"? what's with that? i think my uncle might be one an... 11 replies
- days (jewish holidays) and we practice the friay night-saturday sabbath and we learn hebrew and use shofars, we keep deffernt levels of kosher, but we dont read talmud or use jewish prayer book or wear kippahs, some messianics do adopt a lot of modern jewish customs and jews who come from an orthodox or conservative backgrounds do keep their traditions and you will see them keep rabbinical kosher and wear kippahs...
Talk : : December 05, 2011
anybody on here a "messianic jew"? what's with that? i think my uncle might be one and he insists bob dylan is also. and that bob dylan does not like gay people. what???
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.05.11, 07:09 PM Flag ]Just google Bob Dylan + messianic jew and see what comes up. Report back your findings.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 07:11 PM Flaglol I googled the bob dylan gay thing and all I could find were sites that lead be to believe that there are a great many people out there who believe he himself is gay
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 07:14 PM Flagmessianic jews are christians who think that they are still jewish.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 08:28 PM FlagExactly. ala "Jews for Jesus." So dumb, should just call themselves "Christians." Signed, a Jew.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 10:24 AM Flagwhat about atheist Jews? Do you think they are or are not Jewish? I didn't grow up around many Jewish people and thought of it as a religion but not that I live in NY I know there are many who consider themselves "cultural Jews" who don't really have a religion. I wonder if one can be a Jew with no religion why can't one be a Christian Jew.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 10:33 AM Flagif you have jewish blood in you then no relgion you convert to take away your jewish-ness, your still a child of jacob, your still a part of the body of Israel, so yeah Pagan Jews, Secular Humanist Jews, Buddhist Jews....they are all still Jews....I can never stop being Italian
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 03:46 PM Flag
your really only a Messianic Jew if you were born a Jew, otherwise your a Messianic or a Messianic Gentle, I am a Gay Messianic, and yes Messianics are Christians but its our denomination like someone would call themselves a baptist, Messianics practice Messianic Judaism, but it not an official sect of Judaism, although Israel has made it law that a Jew who converts to Messianic Judaism is still a Jew under Israeli law, but Israeli law is not Jewish law, I am a Messianic but I am not a Jew
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 03:34 PM Flagoh so yeah Messianic Judaism is just simply Christianity practiced more how we perceive Jesus and his disciples practiced it, and Jesus was a jew and so were all his diciples, so we practice the holy days (jewish holidays) and we practice the friay night-saturday sabbath and we learn hebrew and use shofars, we keep deffernt levels of kosher, but we dont read talmud or use jewish prayer book or wear kippahs, some messianics do adopt a lot of modern jewish customs and jews who come from an orthodox or conservative backgrounds do keep their traditions and you will see them keep rabbinical kosher and wear kippahs
[ Reply | More ]12.07.11, 03:41 PM Flag
[+] Fill in the blank. When I notice someone _________________ I immediately think les... 208 replies
- OR I'm a vet, so I deal with these issues on a daily basis. I don't think most people really care about whether people buy versus adopt animals, so it really isn't on their radar....
Talk : : December 04, 2011
Fill in the blank. When I notice someone _________________ I immediately think less of them.
208 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.04.11, 10:58 AM Flag ]-
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this makes me kind of sad. My best friend is one of the kindest people in the world and smokes. She knows it is bad for her, but she has had (and still has) a very difficult life and quitting smoking really is one of the last things on her list of priorities. I'm so pissed that people would think she is "gross" because of one bad habit.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:26 AM Flagbut it's a gross habit. Your breath, clothes and hair smell afterwards, you can get sick, and it's unhealthy. Sorrh, but smoking is gross and people who smoke are gross, even if they're really nice. My MIL still smokes, and it makes her gross.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:31 AM Flag-
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are you responding to my post about being a lovely person?????
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:35 AM Flagmy bad habits don't make me smell or give me or anyone else around me cancer. But keep mocking me, I don't care. If it makes you feel so much better, go for it. And have fun with your yellow teeth and fingertips. I bet you have great breath, too.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:54 AM FlagI don't smoke, but I have other unhealthy habits and so I try to focus on improving myself instead of judging others. hint hint
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:01 PM Flagi'm not sure how anyone can defend smoking. Sure, we all have the right to do whatever we want, but inhaling smoke laden with chemicals into our lungs is inherently disgusting. And it smells bad. It's not like I have no empathy about trying to break an addiction, but come on...
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:10 PM FlagI'm not defending smoking, but I'm saying that I don't think smokers are "gross" people, they are people with a bad habit. Also, most of the smokers I know don't smell like smoke all the time and they avoid smoking around others. There is a difference between disliking gross people who smoke versus saying you dislike all smokers because they are all gross
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:13 PM Flagoh goodness, itls a gross habit and it makes people smell bad, which is gross. Smokers are not horrible people, but their habit is. They are gross while they are smoking, but I'm sure many of them of kind caring people, like my MIL. Is that clear enough?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:18 PM Flagyes, I think it sounded to me from your original reply that you would be one of those people who gives smokers dirty looks or makes sanctimonious comments to them on the street. When I walk with friends who smoke, it is crazy how in your face people can be about this.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:20 PM Flag
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why? Sometimes husbands and wives get on each others nerves. Besides, you don't know their relationship, some marriages are built on wry humor and slight sarcasm. That is their love language...and they're further united in their disgust for pollyannas such as yourself.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:07 PM Flag
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Really old and worn, but I don't really think less of them. I have a theory that if you have nice shoes on it doesn't matter practically what your outfit is nice, you look nice. But you can be wearing a gorgeous outfit and if your shoes are bad you do not look good. Probably should have left this to a diff post though! Does that make you feel less of me?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:09 AM Flag
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speaking loudly on a cell in a restaurant, dr office, elevator or other enclosed space
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I don't go to football games, but maybe not there. But walking around in the world, yes. If you are not actually playing for the Giants, leave the jersey at home.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:15 AM FlagThe vast majority of people going out to watch a football game wear their football gear-- or at least colors of the team they are rooting for. I can see how it seems dumb if you are not a sports fan, but this is the common, very socially acceptable thing to do.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:19 AM Flag
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speculating about other people's finances (asking if mutual acquaintances are wealthy, discussing with third parties whether mutual acquaintances can afford things or how they afford them) or trying to make other people feel bad about their finances (and YES this happens)
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:11 AM Flagcarrying a coach bag with "c" logos all over it. Same goes for LV. Really, any handbag with letter logos all over it
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:23 AM Flag-
Something that is large and has letters blaring all over it does not require "obsessive tracking" to be noticed
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:27 AM Flag-
You NEVER notice anything a person is wearing/holding???? please....
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:31 AM Flag-
so you don't notice hats, bags, shoes, coats, shirts, dresses etc? This is really strange. I personally couldn't give a rats ass what people wear, but I still would notice a giant bag
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:37 AM Flag
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more than 100lbs overweight. I can understand 20, 30, even 50lbs. But something has GOT to be really not working for your life to ever reach the point of being 250lbs or more
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:25 AM FlagDo you judge people whose depression manifests in other ways,or just overeaters?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:27 AM FlagOR--depression is horrible. I have experienced clinical depression. One thing I've learned is that depression is highly treatable. It's HARD. It requires a lot of therapy, dealing with tough emotional issues, and sometimes medications. Still, it's so treatable. There's no reason for someone to eat themselves into morbid obesity due to depression. Depression is not a "get out of jail free" card for not taking care of yourself and not trying hard to improve your life. I had to work twice as hard as a non-depressed person just to hold down a job and keep myself healthy, but I did it anyways.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:34 AM FlagOkaaaay...so you're a person whose genetic propensity more than likely is geared towards thinness. I noticed you put in the if/then clause of 30-50 lbs giving yourself an out just in case, eh? However you know you're body type says that anything over 50lbs would be an unlikely event for your metabolism. There are some people who have a propensity toward being very large. Their thin "ideal" weight would still be considered big to many. One bout of depression can have a different effect on them than someone such as yourself. I have dealt with depression to the point of hospitalization. I have been 250 lbs overweight. Once it's on, it's hard to lose. It took time and a safe space minus judgmental know-it-all people such as yourself for me to lose it. You don't know anything beyond what YOU have gone through. Didn't they teach you that in therapy?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:17 PM Flag
Some people were not meant to 105 lbs soaking wet. I am a tall woman with solid muscle and would look sick if I weighed less than 200lbs. However at 200lbs, you would see me and think that I weighed 140-150.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:11 PM Flag-
posting judgmental fill-in-the-blank bs to allay their own insecurity. Get a life you sanctimonious, pathetic person.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:29 AM Flaghas an nra sticker on their truck. Just saw this yesterday in CT
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:43 AM Flagwith a purebred puppy. I automatically think they bought the dog from a breeder/pet store
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:46 AM Flagyeah, I think this too. I volunteer at an animal shelter and there are so many animals, puppies also, that need good homes.... : ( Why give money to a system that is producing animals when there are plenty of animals that would love to be a part of the family?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:52 AM Flaghmm...I never think that. I do judge anyone with a dog off leash or anyone who lets their dog poop in my yard or who doesn't clean up the poop no matter where it is.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:52 AM FlagI don't judge that. Breed affects personality and personality is really important when picking a dog, esp if you have small kids. Also, I could never get a dog from the pound as I'm generally allergic - the only way for me to be sure that I can keep a dog is to get one from a breeder that is one of the breeds I'm not allergic to.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:23 PM Flag-
Whatever, I'd rather people got a dog from a responsible breeder that treats animals well and doesn't do a puppy mill than got a dog from a shelter that they would have to give up in a short while because oops, it's not so good with kids and now that they have a baby on the way, they just can't keep it.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:45 PM Flag
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yup. That's so lame. Woman up and find some inner strength.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:33 PM FlagYou would have hated me,I tried to talk them into putting me out and pulling the baby out with BBQ tongs. I was terrified.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:48 PM Flagi wouldn't hate you. I just think being scared of labor is lame. Having a baby is amazing, but going through labor drug-free is a very empowering experience.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:53 PM FlagYou can't understand why someone would be scared of an experience that is supposed to be the most painful thing you can endure? That is an astounding lack of empathy.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:56 PM Flagyou said I can't understand it, not me. I understand it, and I thinkitls lame. And it's not the most painful thing you can endure. That's a myth. It's also lame to not learn about the process of birth and to just assume that it's worse than amputation without anesthesia.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 01:05 PM Flag
Shut up. Would you get a Root canal with no anesthesia oh brave one?
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:28 PM Flagno, of course not. A root canal is not an automatic process that my body is meant to go through. There's really no comparison. If I was getting a c-section, i'd use anaesthesia, but not for a normal birth.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:39 PM FlagGood for you,I think you militant birthers are batshit crazy.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:41 PM Flagand I think women who want babies without experiencing labor are not only missing out but are doing a disservice to women because you are contributing to the notion that women are weak and that they are not the true experts when it comes to childbearng.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:49 PM Flag-
You know what? Go to any African country or Afghanistan and ask those women, who legitimately have difficult lives, if they want an epidural. I'm guessing about, oh, 99% would say HELL, YES. We're all soft in this country because we live better than the vast majority of the planet - you included. So spare me.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 05:38 PM Flagyou are making amazingly wild assumptions about how birthis viewed in other parts of the world that you know nothing about. Childbirth is not about suffering, and you're wrong to assume other cultures view it that way. I think women in poor countries want adequate medical care before pain relief. Maybe they want pain relief, too, but who are you to impose your preference on anyone? And what does 'being soft' here have to do with having a drug free by choice? I don't follow.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:48 PM Flag
One thing has nothing to do with another. Women are not experts on childbirth - even after you've had a few kids you're not an expert.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:19 PM Flagum, yes they are. Their bodies knoe exactly what to do. Doctors and midwives are there to make sure nothing bad happens, and if it all goes smoothly, they don't have to d anything.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:35 PM Flag
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I have to agree here, sorry. Don't even try the root canals/surgery/something-else-wrong-with-your-body comparisons.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 12:37 PM FlagNP. Funny, I feel the exact opposite. I think women who intentionally seek out unnecessary and avoidable pain are ridiculous, dirty hippies who wish for martyrdom. Thankfully none of my friends are this annoying.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:33 PM Flagif the pain of childbirth could be avoided at no risk, I'd consider avoiding it. However, there are big risks that come with epidurals. No one enjoys pain, but I do enjoy being able to give birth and wanted to feel the sensations and know what was going on with my body. I can't believe women so casually numb themselves from the waist down. That's bizarre to me. Martyrs suffer; I did not suffer through childbirth. Sorry if other people have experiences you don't understand.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:55 PM Flag
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Thinks their dc is the only special child in the world .... and never stops talking about her
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 04:01 PM FlagHas more than 2 children. Doesn't recycle. Drives a massive car. Drinks bottled water.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 05:51 PM Flagwoahhhh, judge-y mc. judgerstein! do you also protest the marine recruiting station at UC Berkeley? Because you sound like one of those moms...
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:11 PM Flagwhat if they had a kid and then went for their 2nd and got twins?? would you think less of them then? that they didn't abort so as to only produce 2 children?? insulting.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:57 PM Flag
Lots of things! Let their children behave poorly in public without immediately reprimanding them and stopping the behavior, display symbols of conspicuous consumption, let themselves go physically, breastfeed a toddler, have obvious fillers/Botox, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:40 PM Flag-
[+] So sad! I'm a nanny. Watching the baby today while my boss takes her sweet dog to be ... 7 replies
- OP: They plan on doing that. Though she really tries to adopt the older "unadoptables", rather than puppies. No judgement about what others do, but I admire her commitment to this idea....
Talk : : December 04, 2011
So sad! I'm a nanny. Watching the baby today while my boss takes her sweet dog to be put to sleep. She adopted him from a shelter 4 yrs ago knowing he had serious health issues and have given him the best of care. He is the sweetest dog, and while we knew this day would come, I'm feeling rather sad. My boss is a million times sadder. Just wanted to vent. Send good thoughts her way! She deserves it!
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.04.11, 09:00 AM Flag ]
[+] At a PA meeting our headmaster came to speak to us about the ERBs that were given at ... 39 replies
- will retake). You may wish to meet with dc's teacher to talk about how to work with your dc so they aren't disruptive to the class. Turn this into a positive chance for you to partner with your dc's teacher, rather than adopt the NYC-fall back position of blaming the school for everything your dc does that has consequences....
Talk : : December 04, 2011
At a PA meeting our headmaster came to speak to us about the ERBs that were given at school for the lower grades. She said that in one grade a DC finished the test early and announced "done!", which began a chain reaction where all of the other children raced to follow suit to their detriment, filling in mostly all A answers to compete in the race. I asked my DC if the student in question were him and he said yes. I feel mortified that this story was related to the whole school when it's fairly easy to find out who it is. What would others be feeling about this?
39 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.04.11, 06:22 AM Flag ]-
admit it, you coached him to do that. and, an excellent strategy, I might add!
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 06:50 AM FlagWeird you're worried about this and not about your kid being a brat.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:23 AM Flag-
OP-I get it that it was a bratty thing to do but feel strange his example was hauled out in a public forum. This can't be the only time a child spoke out of turn ever in the school's history.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:41 AM Flag-
Right, but if his outburst screwed up the entire class's scores, and therefore made the expensive test invalid for the most part (also making the teacher look bad), the parents are going to be pissed and need an explanation as to why Henry got such a low score.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:57 AM Flag
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^nevermind, just saw that he is 8. Sounds like he is somewhat of a show off. And I think you know this, because otherwise why would you immediately ask him if he was the child that yelled out that he was done? I'd definitely address with him that no one likes a show off. Can't think of any books off hand, but I'm sure there are books geared to 8 year olds about this kind of thing.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:43 AM FlagSometimes I think schools are being coy and cryptic about tests and grades. Privates like to be so above it all about grades and tests but then they still administer them. As a parent I do think grades are important. People don't earn a living for showing up and trying hard. They make their way in the world by achieving certain milestones.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:47 AM Flag
sorry just because the kid said "done" doesnt mean he is bratty. so he shouldnt have said anything but if he had sneezed and everyone else pretended to sneeze would it be any different? the other kids were the ones who behaved like idiots
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:43 AM FlagSounds to me like he shouted "done"--and that he probably tanked the test. AND made everyone else tank it, too. These tests are expensive to administer and the kid created a huge problem. Kind of surprised OP didn't get a call from the school about this, actually.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:47 AM Flag
The head may have pointed this out so that parents could be aware and council their own children as to what to do in this situation. Parents of children who hurried to finish have something to address as well. I can see that you might feel singled out, but the data is important to the school (and not inexpensive), and to lose a year matters.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:51 AM FlagI can understand why you are mortified, but educators use examples for lots of things (based on real life), and this is a good one for (a) how dcs behavior can influence others and (b) reasons why the scores may have skewed low. She did not name your dc by name (no sane parent wants to know who did it, but they may want to know why their own dc scored low and/or will retake). You may wish to meet with dc's teacher to talk about how to work with your dc so they aren't disruptive to the class. Turn this into a positive chance for you to partner with your dc's teacher, rather than adopt the NYC-fall back position of blaming the school for everything your dc does that has consequences.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 11:08 AM FlagI wouldn't feel much in the way of responsibility for all the other kids' scores; its the school's job to proctor the test and to not let it become a race to the finish. School failed to stop the situation from getting out of hand. Your kid was no saint, but its not his fault. And I doubt anyone blames him.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 01:33 PM Flag-
i might be mortified for a second. and then i would laugh. because it's funny. what are you afraid of? that people know your child is smart and finished early? that they know he's yelled out done? he's a little kid! it's a stupid thing to give tests like that to little kids and use it for anything beyond individual assessment, and his act shows how little it can take to invalidate them. the headmaster was telling the story for a reason, but the reason wasn't to admonish your child publicly.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 01:45 PM Flag
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[+] I really admire Michelle and Barack Obama as a couple. They just look so in love with... 87 replies
- I LOVE THEM!!! What a beautiful family and we are so lucky to have them in the white house. I wish they could adopt me. I hope my DS grows up and marries one of the girls. :)...
Talk : : December 03, 2011
I really admire Michelle and Barack Obama as a couple. They just look so in love with each other, especially him with her. They look so happy, I wonder if they ever have fights. I know everyone has problems, but they look so good.
87 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.03.11, 05:58 AM Flag ]I'm sure they have fights! That doesn't mean that they don't love each other though.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 06:04 AM FlagA very wise person once told me (in reference to fighting with my then-bf, now-dh) - if you don't fight at all, you're in la-la land, you don't have a real relationship - all relationships involve some fighting, what is important is how you deal with the arguments.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 05:28 PM Flag-
Agreed. It seems like they met their match in each other. I get the impression that they challenge each other and push each other to be better.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 06:12 AM Flagthey have had their problems. were on the brink of divorce when he was a senator and never around. but, i agree they look good today and definitely in love.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 06:20 AM Flag-
I like them, too. I think Obama had a strong single mom and he actually respects women, unlike a lot of other male politicians.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 06:28 AM FlagI think they are a marriage of equals which helps and a relatively short (although successful) career in politics. I'm sure they fight.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 06:57 AM FlagThey both have *massive* egos, so I'm sure they have huge fights.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 07:44 AM FlagReally? I don't get that at all. Him, maybe but not from her at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:05 AM Flag-
np: I don't get that from her at all. Tough cookie, yes. But egomaniac? All her interviews are pretty self-deprecating and down-to-earth. I liked Laura Bush just fine, too. Now Carla Bruni in France, she strikes me as narcissistic.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:21 AM Flag
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I am sure they have fights but I also agree they do look in love which is such a rarity now a days.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:00 AM Flag-
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And she's milking it for all it's worth. Every $$$$ trip is a field trip for her kids.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:28 AM Flagyes and he is breaking the law when he travels at taxpayers expensie just for fundraising which he brazenly does all the time. so glad the taxpayers get to spend 2 million for their date nights...
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:33 AM FlagYes. And so nice of him to cause a traffic nightmare on Weds--the Rock Center tree lighting was planned MONTHS (if not years) ago.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 09:02 AM FlagI know! Shame on Obama for breaking the law right in public, so that every person in the world can see what he is doing. He is obviously really stupid about breaking the law. I wish he was more like GW Bush and Cheney who broke the law "quietly" by lying to the American people to get us into a war in Iraq so that their friends in the defense industry could get billion dollar defense contracts that were handed out by Republican operatives to their cronies who donated millions to the party (a good return on their investment, btw)
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:21 AM Flag
Wow you sound unreasonably hostile. How many other first ladies have vacationed around the world.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 08:34 AM Flag-
Lol -- jealous much? Although I suspect you are just the Republican operative who is paid pittance to post anti-Obama things on here. You know, you embarrass yourself by your obvious hate. It's so bad that sometimes I think you work for the Democrats! They are paying you to make people think anti-Obama people are true idiots so they are more likely to support Obama.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:18 AM Flag
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that's because she is a strong woman and he does not have a backbone
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 09:12 AM Flag-
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My arms are gorgeous because I pay my personal trainer $200 a session 5 days/week to work out with me. I can afford it because my dh got rich when his bank was bailed out by the American taxpayers after years of him getting bonuses of $10 million plus when the bank was misleading stockholders into thinking they were making money when they were simply taking on bad debt.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:25 AM Flag^^^by the way, that's why I'm so anti-Obama. The Republicans have been wonderful for us -- we can't find enough luxury products to buy with all of it. I want to pay even lower taxes than I do now, so I'm very anti-Obama. If the Republicans win, my income, already 10 million/year, will increase at least twofold!
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:27 AM Flag
It doesn't matter what they look like, because I keep them covered so other people don't have to look at them. And only a few hundred people a day see me. Every time she goes on tv and waves to the crowd, a hundred million people see her saggy, wrinkly underarms, and that's just not right. She's clearly surrounded by yes-monkeys who are too afraid to tell her she is too old to go sleeveless.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:27 AM FlagSo true. Every First Lady needs to have a personal dresser who is in touch with the extremely rich biddies who decide on what is appropriate for women to wear. I know if a Republican wins the White House, the first lady will definitely check with their extremely rich billionaire friends to find out if their clothing meets their standards. If it reeks of "low class", shame on them.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:29 AM Flag
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I don't know what their personal reality is, but they are effectively paid to look happy and in love whenever they are in public. Plus, if I had a full-time staff at my beck and call, DH and I would probably look a lot more happy and in love, too. The professional chef alone would adjust my attitude.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:29 AM FlagObviously, the Obamas have hired the top acting coaches from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts to teach them to act. Their performance is simply flawless and worthy of an oscar. How much do you think they spend on the acting coaches, OR? I'm thinking of hiring some so dh and I can look so happy.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 10:32 AM Flag
They look happy to me and it doesn't appear to be an act. I was not a fan of the two Bushes but they too looked quite happy with their wives. What I believe pisses people off is seeing a Black couple not fitting into their negative, hateful stereotypes of Black men and women in love.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:05 AM Flaga) Nobody here has said anything about being pissed off. b) He's white.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:32 AM FlagSure he is. The police would think differently at 2 am at a gas station in a Chicago suburb. He would just be another all purpose Black man who fits the description.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:40 AM FlagBut it's not 2am at a gas station in Chicago. He's the President. His mother is white, he was raised by white family members, lived a largely privileged upbringing, and attended Occidental College, Columbia, and Harvard Law. He's about as connected to black America as W was. At best, he's mixed-race, but ethnically, he's white.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:54 AM Flag
Most beautiful first lady ever. I would vote for her in a second.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:25 AM FlagCompletely disagree. She's no hag, but there have been many more beautiful first ladies. (Not that we should even be discussing that factor. We should be discussing her brain and her career, and the antiquated notion of "first ladies" at all. The whole first lady image and tradition is probably the #1 reason why a woman can't be elected president.)
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:36 AM FlagGee. Somebody with an opinion different from yours. We know it's suck blasphemy to say that anyone is more beautiful than Jackie-First-Decorator-Kennedy.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:43 AM FlagJackie was plastic. Look at the portraits of presidents' wives through history, and Kennedy and Obama don't rate.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 11:56 AM Flagwho are you thinking of? honestly i can't think of anyone more attractive than Jackie and Michelle. Laura was kind of pretty but not as striking as the two of them. Martha, Pat, Eleanor? Who exactly are you "rating" at the top?
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 12:48 PM FlagThere are some President's wives who were beautiful, such as Van Buren, but they didn't live long enough to be First Lady (which gives them an advantage because we remember them as young). Not sure if that's who OR is thinking of but technically were never First Lady.
[ Reply | More ]12.04.11, 07:40 AM Flag
[+] What do people think about a recently divorced WOHM of one DC having a second child t... 6 replies
- If a woman wants to have or adopt a child, can afford another child and can care for another child, who am I to say she should not do so? This decision should not be based on what others "think."...
Talk : : December 02, 2011
What do people think about a recently divorced WOHM of one DC having a second child through adoption or artificial insemination? I really want another and would like a sibling for DC (who is 3), but could not stay in an abusive marriage. Is it selfish to do this and take attention away from DC or should I go for it? Money is not an issue, so I will have full time help and I don't work ridiculous hours. Thanks.
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.02.11, 08:21 AM Flag ]If a woman wants to have or adopt a child, can afford another child and can care for another child, who am I to say she should not do so? This decision should not be based on what others "think."
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:30 AM FlagHold old are you? Do you think you want to remarry? If you are 37 or under, I might try freezind eggs and dating/
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 10:58 AM Flag-
[+] We live in an old brownstone. Tonight, our son was on the sofa in the living room an... 44 replies
- Thanks, this is a good attitude and I'm going to try to adopt it. Thanks, everyone. I'm going to try to sleep,...
Talk : : December 01, 2011
We live in an old brownstone. Tonight, our son was on the sofa in the living room and DH and I were in the hallway next to the living room when we both CLEARLY heard a young child's voice say "daddy? Daddy?" coming from behind us in an empty room that we use as a library. The voice sounded male and was much younger than our son. DH said to son, "did
44 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.01.11, 06:22 PM Flag ]Get a medium in to do a consultation. I believe in ghosts. My dh grew up in an apt. building that used to be a hospital. It was haunted and MIL says that all of the children used to talk to people who weren't there and objects used to disappear and return creepily. The ghost apparently was not fond of children.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:28 PM Flag-
the children told their parents that the ghost said not to bring anymore children to live there. and once my dh's little brother was standing next to a little girl neighbor and their two heads knocked together asif two unseen hands just smacked their heads together. MIL wrote it all down. So creepy. At least they didn't live in the apt that used to be the morgue.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:36 PM FlagOh my goodness, that is creepy. Did they know the people who lived in the morgue??
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:42 PM FlagYes. It was a small building with 6 units so everyone knew each other. I have to find the list MIL made. It's so creepy. There was a toy that MIL kept throwing out that kept returning. She threw it into the dumpster in the parking lot where no kid couldreach and later that day it was at the top of the stairs.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:55 PM Flag
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don't believe in ghosts. There has to be some other possible explanation. Was there a toy, an open window, a baby doll that talks...something?
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:46 PM FlagI know, this is what DH is going through right now. Keeps saying it had to be something else--toy etc--but there is nothing at all in our house like that. He is pretending it isn't bugging him but he keeps bringing up ideas of what it could be. Maybe someone outside? But the room faces an empty garden area that no one could just walk by. I really don't know.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 06:49 PM Flag
DH just told me that it had to be some kid from next door or something. He is definitely just saying that to calm me down because I can tell he is also disturbed. He said there must be a logical explanation, ghosts don't exist and I need to relax. But, he leaves for China for two weeks tues so he is probably planning ahead here!
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 07:00 PM FlagOK, that is seriously freaky. There probably is a rational explanation, but the ghost story adds to the patina of your home.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 07:04 PM Flag-
I actually believe that the paranormal is possible and have had a couple of questionable experiences, but I'm the poster above who had a baby monitor that would pick up things, even when turned off (and they weren't supernatural, it used to pick up the family across the hall, who we knew - the frequency on their monitor was close to ours) and passing truckers on CBs.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:16 PM FlagIs this the first/only time it happened? Do you own the whole brownstone, i.e. could it be a sound through the wall or something? My son has an imaginary friend named "Kiki". He's never heard that name before, and somehow created it himself. He describes Kiki in great detail. DH has commented: children often are able to see and sense what adults no longer can.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 09:28 AM Flag"KIKI" is the dancer in fresh beats band and wears pink skirt and shirt. It comes on "Nick jr" every day.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 10:48 AM Flagor: really?? So maybe he watched Nick JR with the nanny once. Hilarious. So much for some mysterious paranormal presence in our apartment!
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 10:50 AM FlagOr maybe he DID make him/her up! DS has an imaginary friend named "Ektom" around whom an entire epic is constructed: job, favorite foods, family, what he does on holidays, etc. DS gives Ektom his orders for "running the factory" every monring, on the non-functioning intercom phone, before we head out to school.
[ Reply | More ]12.12.11, 04:18 PM Flag
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