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[+] Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who doesn't have family. I go on F... 8 replies
- Yes, I guess it's just getting really hard right now. My grandparents passed before I was born. My mother is an only child, so no cousins/aunts/uncles. I am an only child. My father died when I was 4. I feel so alone and envious of...
- np Similar here. Mother only child--of parents who divorced when she was 2 (which wasn't "done" in the...
Talk : : December 13, 2011
Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who doesn't have family. I go on Facebook and everyone has pics of their family members; their mothers holding their children, pics with their own grandparents, cousins, etc. I have none of that and it makes me feel like a freak. Starting to feel depressed, say something to snap me out of it?
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.13.11, 10:03 PM Flag ]Yes, I guess it's just getting really hard right now. My grandparents passed before I was born. My mother is an only child, so no cousins/aunts/uncles. I am an only child. My father died when I was 4. I feel so alone and envious of others.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 10:31 PM Flagnp Similar here. Mother only child--of parents who divorced when she was 2 (which wasn't "done" in the 40s). She had NO contact with anyone on her father's side of the family. My grandmother was one of three, but her brothers had no kids. I have a sister, but haven't spoken to her in a few years. Dh's family is it, pretty much.
[ Reply | More ]12.14.11, 05:31 AM Flag
Lots of us with more typical families have a very close friend or two who is quasi-family, often someone who doesn't have their own blood kin. My kids have at least two "aunt or uncle" people who are no relation, but are included in our family as if they were. Start working on building strong friendships!
[ Reply | More ]12.14.11, 04:26 AM Flag
[+] I am a SAHM of an only child, who is in the fourth grade. I am constantly getting as... 16 replies
- Conversely, I often would welcome such calls for a kid I really liked, who would make it more fun for my only, but I really would only do it because it actually improved our quality of life and I loved the mom!...
Talk : : December 13, 2011
I am a SAHM of an only child, who is in the fourth grade. I am constantly getting asked favors -- pick up a kid, etc. Then there are the school or activity emails, where you feel like, yep, I am the one they think should do this bc I have the bandwith. Sometimes I just want to work so I can so, no, or people will stop asking. You really can't say no to a friend and I try to understand that they work and/or have multiple kids but...ugh. Need to vent.
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.13.11, 02:43 PM Flag ]how do you know you're being singled out for all these requests? ime the class/school activity requests go out to all parents.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 02:46 PM FlagOP: No, emails or calls to me alone. And, then, there are the other requests....
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 02:47 PM Flag-
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then you need to be up front and tell them that when you have the time, you will reach out to ask what if any help is needed at a particular time.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 02:53 PM FlagI wish. The phone rings...hey, can you do me a favor, I have this and this going on, I just XYZ to go to blah, blah blah.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 02:55 PM Flagnp. You really have to learn to say no politely but firmly. And yes, I know it's hard because I am in the same boat, but I am learning to 1) spot the users quickly and keep them at a distance 2) to politely show friends I don't like to be used as a free sitter and if I want to do something for them I will offer when I want to. You don't owe anyone anything, you pay the price for not working and should be free to do whatever you want with your time.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 05:04 PM Flag
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Caller ID! Literally do not answer phone unless it is someone really want or need to talk to. Ignore all other calls,and if confronted later, say you were busy or hd phone off, etc.,...stop being available and they will eventually get the hint...you have to re- train the users.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 03:38 PM FlagI hear you. I was pestered constantly by a woman one year who kept having emergencies at pickup time and asked if I could take her dd home with mine. Problem was her kid was obnoxious and my dd really didn't like her. I did this twice in a month then stopped answering my phone at 2pm. She cornered me one day and demanded to know why I never picked up my phone....I just looked at her until she said--oh well. She also promised to reciprocate with a playdate with my dd and never called me for that.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 03:47 PM FlagI WOH and I would never ever imagine doing that. A friend actually was shocked that I had to take off work because I couldn't find coverage and didn't ask her but it would never have occurred to me. You are in a bad pattern with some folks.
[ Reply | More ]12.13.11, 04:38 PM Flag
[+] dc might be n only child because i'm afraid that I won't love the xecond as much and ... 32 replies
- My first/only is a challenge terrible sleeper, picky eater and I...
- OP, whatever happens, you'll be ok. Only children are ok. If you have a second baby...had your DH and your DC. are you an only child?...
- a good mommy etc. How old is your first/only? What do you think might push you one way...cried a few weeks before delivered the second child wondering how I could share my love with...
Talk : : December 10, 2011
dc might be n only child because i'm afraid that I won't love the xecond as much and a second couldn't possibly be this good. He was an easy baby, happy toddler and bright preschooler. I just can only imagine a second messing up (not adding to) the applecart.
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.10.11, 03:35 PM Flag ]What if you had had #2 first, and #1 second? Do you think you would love him any less? Of course not!
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 03:41 PM FlagOk, so don't have one. You sound like you want to be convinced, which is extremely immature and not worthy of an adult mother. If you don't think you can handle a child who is 99% likely to be different than your first, don't have a second child.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 03:43 PM FlagITA. DS was a difficult baby, anxious toddler... and things just now aren't a struggle at all times. Can't do it again.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 03:43 PM FlagI felt exactly as you about DC1 and was totally surprised how I was able to love DC2 as much. Icing on the applecart, so to speak. Mine are about 4 years apart, which has been perfect for us. But if I had stopped at 1, that would have been perfect, too.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 03:43 PM FlagIf we did it, even getting preg tomorrow they'd be. 5 yrs apart. That would be ggod but dh is worried if second is a boy the first would be soo much physically stro ger that it m8ght be an issue - projecting from ho
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 03:56 PM Flag-
and if DH's parents had stopped at one, you would not have had your DH and your DC. are you an only child?
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 04:47 PM FlagGood point. I am an only. My folks are not pushing us to have a second (they don't think we have the money - we do if dc 1 gets into a g&t but not if we have to swing private in nyc) dh would like a second but has made some job changes recently so until that picks up, any discussion of db # 2 is on hold. This is just my thinking about possible futures.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 05:13 PM Flag
if you have a nice easy #1 there's a good chance he will be nice to a little brother or sister--especially with the age gap you probably won't have any sibling rivalry issues. Does ds ever talk about wanting a sibling?
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 06:00 PM Flag
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So these are your reasons for not having one. Do you have any pros? Do you want this child to have a sibling? Do you look at babies with longing? Would you like to try the other gender on for size?
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 04:11 PM FlagMy first/only is a challenge terrible sleeper, picky eater and I also am worried I won't love a second as much as I love her. I think it's a normal feeling.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 04:30 PM FlagThanks for admitting that. It's good to hear that even if the first isn't easy to parent someone might feel the same way. Dh has reminded me that I wasn't sure I could love the first at all/ I wouldn't be a good mommy etc. How old is your first/only? What do you think might push you one way or the other?
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 05:05 PM Flag-
OP, whatever happens, you'll be ok. Only children are ok. If you have a second baby, he or she will become part of your family in a way that makes you say, "I just can't imagine our family without him." And you'll be so happy you took the leap. But you'll all be fine either way.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 04:31 PM FlagI know that it's true - onlies can be fine AND that the second would be loved. I guess part of the fear is that if dh and I Iand grandpaerents who are very involved) give love and attention to a second that it might also hurt/upset/impact the dc I already have. That could happen too right?
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 05:10 PM Flag
I think you're being a little shortsighted if you already think you've gotten off easy. He could still be a rebel teenager, or a slacker adult who's still mooching off you at 25.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 04:55 PM Flagi am the same way...plus, financial considerations, + visit friends who are having babies or just have had babies, and I have no envy at all. It just makes me glad that baby stuff is all over for me.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 05:56 PM Flag-
I felt the same way when I had only one child (a girl who was very sweet and easy). I actually cried a few weeks before delivered the second child wondering how I could share my love with the second. It's so nice to know that they have each other and I love them equally.
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 06:55 PM Flag
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everybody has this same thought. They will be different, you will love them differently, but that's what makes a family
[ Reply | More ]12.10.11, 06:58 PM Flag
[+] Can I brag for a minute? My sixth grader got the best report card in the grade accor... 16 replies
- eh, not a really big deal. You usually don't have only one teacher in 6th, though....
- Must not be a good school for only one kid to get those grades....
Talk : : December 09, 2011
Can I brag for a minute? My sixth grader got the best report card in the grade according to parent teacher conference. Only child to get perfect effort grades in addition to academic grades.
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.09.11, 11:22 AM Flag ]Beyond weird (and inappropriate) that teacher told you this.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:27 AM FlagNever known a teacher to say a particular kid got the 'best' report card, so it sounds a bit suspicious to me.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:28 AM Flageh, not a really big deal. You usually don't have only one teacher in 6th, though.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:30 AM FlagIt IS a big deal in that teacher is telling OP that none of the other kids are as smart/good as her child. Really unprofessional.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:35 AM Flagshe just said that the kid got the best report card, I don't think that's unprofessional unless she said it in front of other people besides just the parents. I was told that my dd was the brightest kid in the grade by far even though she got Bs, they are trying to figure out how to motivate her to do as well as they believe she should be doing. Teacher's are allowed to think and have opinions.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:43 AM Flag
Must not be a good school for only one kid to get those grades.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:34 AM FlagNP I'm not sure about "best in the grade," but that's still very nice news.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 11:34 AM Flag-
Oh come on--no one cares about report card grades in elementary/ms if they're not perfect. I was a straight B, B+, A- kind of kid. Grew up, went to an Ivy. Not important at all. What was worse was the girl that was always perfect ended up being bullied her MS years b/c her classmates hated her bragging and consciousness about this. Her emotional EQ was probably failing.
[ Reply | More ]12.09.11, 12:18 PM Flag
[+] Poll: Current age. Age you lost virginity. Number of partners. Ever had STD? Any unp... 72 replies
- eh, trying being the chick that has only had sex with one guy, it kind of sucks...
- I'm way behind. I only slept with 7 men and I'm 33....
- Only about 5% of Americans still do this. You are a rarity!...
- or No, just the opposite. Only child, UMC, educated loving parents. I went on to get a...
Talk : : December 06, 2011
Poll: Current age. Age you lost virginity. Number of partners. Ever had STD? Any unplanned pregnancy?
72 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 06:57 PM Flag ]-
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Can people indicate any sexual abuse? I've been reading a lot of research on the top and I'm curious to see if UB data supports the research.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:11 PM Flag-
30, 18, dunno, never kept count but HIGH probably 200 range, no stds, 1 unplanned pregnancy with dh
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:15 PM Flag-
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[+] It's official. After a lot of consideration, I have decided to only have one child. 69 replies
- hahaa! "because you want a child or because you want to watch children developing a bond...one does something as subversive and socially contentious as have "only" one child....
- and emotional benefit of being married to a wealthy only child, but that comes with some consequences....
- constant barrage of incredulous questioning that you'd dare only have one. I get questions or comments almost weekly....
Talk : : December 06, 2011
It's official. After a lot of consideration, I have decided to only have one child.
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.06.11, 04:32 AM Flag ]Curious, what is your decision based on? I also have an only, and it is absolutely the right decision for our family.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:40 AM FlagI wasn't yearning for another. I would have liked a sibling for dc, but I feel like I would only be having the baby for that reason alone. I also realized it would be difficult paying for college for two children. This is a priority because I was bogged down with student loans and would never want that for my dc. I honestly feel that it was more social pressure than what was right for my family. How is it with one dc? How old?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:50 AM Flagi was you. i thought that i wanted just one, but i just found out i can't have anymore unless i do IVF. now i really want another. ds is 5 at ss. everyone has siblings. it's difficult and no matter how much people say they don't, they judge only children. wish we had the money to adopt.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:04 AM Flagnp if you really do want to adopt, don't let money stop you! lots of people are "fundraising" these days because it's so expensive, and others are glad to help families in this way, from what i've seen.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:38 AM Flag-
The stereotype is that they are self-centered spoiled brats who have trouble getting along with other people. The reality is far from that. I'm an only child, btw. I've felt "jokingly" judged but that never bothered me. Lots of people asked me if I felt that I was missing out by not having a sibling growing up. I didn't at the time. Maybe a little now that I have 2 kids, but them's the breaks. I had a good childhood.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:20 AM FlagDitto! Loved my childhood and it's only watching my two kids together that makes me think maybe I missed out. But really there's no damage done here.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:24 AM FlagMy life would not have worked with a sibling but DH actively dislikes one of his siblings and has only gotten along with the other because she and I created a bond. There's no guarantees that siblings will support each other as they grow up.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:53 AM FlagITA. I see that with my mother who's always in it with her sibs. She's the oldest and so she has to do everything for her parents even though there are five of them. I don't mind having to care for my parents when the time comes. They are mine and I love them. At least there won't be resentment over the siblings not helping out.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:58 AM Flag
"They" don't just judge only children, they judge parents of onlies! Onlies are s'posed to be self-centered, spoiled and lonely and their parents (this would be me, in theory!) are selfish, distracted, incompetent and either too rich (and too distracted to outsource care!) or too poor (can't afford to fill luxury suv with babies/pay tuition/etc)... I spent years in a babysitting coop where dd was accepted happily but I had to practically bribe parents to leave their (multiple) kids with me when it was my turn to reciprocate. And during preschool years, the coffee dates at drop off were often new moms going off with infants in strollers and never including those of us without!
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 03:38 PM Flag
Idiots judge. Why should OP care what idiots think? Better yet, why should OP care what ANYONE ELSE thinks when it come to her decision to have children?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:18 AM Flag-
It's actually quite easy to live your life without worrying about what UB will say
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 10:43 AM FlagNP People IRL are totally ready to talk about this. I have a colleague who asks me 1X a week when I'm having another.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:57 AM Flagor: yep, that was my point. It's not about ignoring UB comments, it's the constant barrage of incredulous questioning that you'd dare only have one. I get questions or comments almost weekly. No one hesitates, or even considers the possibility that I *can't* have another and such questions are rude and personal.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 12:05 PM Flag
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I'm an only child and I hated it. That's why we had 2. But 2 is a lot harder than just 1. Be happy with your decision. I barley have the "bandwidth" for raising 2.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:44 AM FlagI have an only child. My daugher is just fine. Having a sibling does not guarantee you will get along with that person. Most times I do not get along with my sister and we barely speak. My mother has 6 siblings and they are all out for themselves.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 05:53 AM FlagI only wanted one child and that is what we have. The only reason I would have had another was to give my daughter a sibling/support system for when dh and I are old/dead, which really isn't a good reason. It does seem unfair to put the burden only on her but I did not think I could be a good parent to more than one child, and it would have been more unfair for one of my children to grow up feeling "less than". We will just have to work hard and make "extra" money so she can hire help when we are old and decrepit. That said, my brother is one of my best friends and I loved him dearly from the second he was born, and I do feel guilty for depriving her of that. On the other hand (I'm running out of hands), neither one of my parents has a good/any relationship with his/her sibling, so there is no guarantee. Another factor in our decision was financial, although I realize that if we both desperately wanted a second child we would have somehow made it work. As for judging, I really don't care what other people think about most things; certainly not about how many kids I decide to have.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:41 AM Flag"The only reason I would have had another was to give my daughter a sibling/support system for when dh and I are old/dead, which really isn't a good reason." I've got no problem with having just one child, but why isn't this a good reason?
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:48 AM Flagnp: because its far from guaranteed, and als onot the only way for a child to have a support system.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 06:49 AM FlagIt's sort of too much rationalizing, I think. You have a child either because you want a child or because you want to watch children developing a bond and enjoying each other. To have a child just for the support when you're dead thing is a bit morbid and almost like you're talking yourself into having another child, imo.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:27 AM Flaghahaa! "because you want a child or because you want to watch children developing a bond and enjoying each other" A very simplified if not biased comment if I've ever heard one.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 08:22 AM FlagBiased how? I am an only child and loved it. I have two kids because I wanted to have two kids, not because I felt dc#1 needed a sibling. I don't think one is better than the other, I am simply saying the decision to have a child, imo should be based on the kind of family you want, not on the idea that one child needs a sibling to help them take care of you when you're old or dying.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:08 AM Flag
Because if I am a lousy mother to more than one child, which I think I would be, one of the two children is going to grow up unhappy. So having a second child to give my dd a support system is not going to be fair overall to either the second or the first child. By the way, this is JUST me; I am not saying that OTHER people can't be awesome parents to more than one child! I just don't think I personally could be so am afraid of damaging a child the way I grew up. For a long time I did not think I could be a good mother at all and it is a miracle (to me) that I could get past my childhood. I wouldn't push my luck further.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:03 AM Flag
I'm an only child, and my parent are both foreign (so I have no relatives in this country)--- I've never been concerned about coping when they're old. Here's why: I'm grown up an only; I didn't lose a sibling. So that's all I know, and I've grown up aware of the future, very independent and am now old enough to have support, a husband and will be ready when my parents need me. It will be fine.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:46 AM Flag-
or: I'm glad (sorry for the rampant typos!)- I think everone adapts for their own individual situation. I also believe that some siblings are more of a burden than being an only; both of my parents have siblings with whom they have a strained or non-existant relationship because the sibs are awful, jealous, selfish people. I'd rather be an only, if you ask me.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:16 AM Flag
I'm an OR from below whose DH is an only and dealing with sick father. I'd just add that, while you may think you are ready when your parents need you (as my DH was), the reality can be much more difficult than you expect. I'm glad I have a sibling to rely on when the same thing happens with my parents.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:06 AM FlagThis is one anecdotal situation. We can give you many more where siblings don't help, where parents don't get sick, where onlies are easily able to financially support their parents and have the emotional support they need. Having a kid for something that MIGHT happen in 40 or 50 years is pretty dumb IMO. Obviously that can be a consideration, but it is just stupid if it is your only reason.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 12:02 PM Flag
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Good for you. It's a really tough decision, one I'm struggling with right now. What's more, I feel like it's a decision that really goes against the grain of what people seem to want or expect, so you spend a lot of time explaining yourself or defending yourself. Even now when I suggest we might just have one I get these very direct opinionated responses.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 07:34 AM FlagI'm still considering. We currently only have the finances for one (unless DS gets into G&T or Hunter) and I only have the mindspace for one (unless DH's business takes off and we can hire a nanny) and I don't feel the Urge for another and DS is wonderful and I would hate to see anything inhibit that. On the other hand, I am an only and I know the positives and negatives of that - DS will have lots of family from DH and cousins that I'm close to. I'm giving it one more year of discussion/see where the financial and educational chips fall and then we might be right there with you.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 09:52 AM FlagTo add on to what an OR wrote above: I thought I only wanted one, but recently DH (an only child) is having to deal with his very difficult father who is having health problems in a different city. It is a HUGE burden on him (financially and emotionally) and to take care of his father, he has to spend lots of time away from me and, most importantly, db. It has really made me realize the value of having siblings to support each other with family issues. I know this isn't what OP wants to hear, but I think it is worth considering.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:04 AM FlagThis assumes the sibling is helpful and supportive and cooperative.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:27 AM Flagnp - I have an only by choice and I am also an only child. Believe me, if your dh had siblings, it might not matter re care for his father. He may still be the one taking all the time and spending all the money. I have seen this over and over again with friends (though I have to say that this happens with women more than men).
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:27 AM Flag^^^And I even have friends for whom having siblings during a parent's illness or death made it WORSE. It ranges from needy/greedy sibs to mentally ill sibs to sibs who kidnapped a dying parent so that my friend never saw her mother again (she died abroad with the sister who kidnapped her)
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:29 AM Flag
OP-My father has two siblings who both live out of state. When my grandmother became ill no one was around to help. Now that she has passed away, my father is still left with the burden of taking care of his father everyday. He visits him, handles bills, doctors appointments and his siblings are no where to be found.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:41 AM Flag
As an only, one thing to think about is to make sure that you have a good relationship with your DIL or SIL. I've often told DH that no matter what happens to me, he has to take care of my parents. He's had the financial and emotional benefit of being married to a wealthy only child, but that comes with some consequences.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 11:58 AM FlagThat would make two of us! I am in my early 30's, have only one, and people always assume, there's a "next one" but there probably will not be another. My dh and I have a lot of interests, my dd is an awesome child, and we love the idea of "getting our life back" - going out, pursuing other interests, etc. again soon. Many of our friends are our age and older and don't have children -- if that's any indication of the way in which we like to exist. Plus, I think I would just lose it if I had to be with all that noise and activity of more than one child. I am already a pretty quiet person to begin with, and it would get on my nerves. DH had two siblings, and I had one -- relationships with them are fine, but we also feel that we would have been fine being only children ourselves, too.
[ Reply | More ]12.06.11, 04:52 PM Flag
[+] My 10 year old DS is addicted to watching cartoons and playing online games. We don't... 98 replies
- he only does this on weekends? Sounds perfectly fine and...
- yes, he does this only during weekends because we strictly say no to...a habit to switch to. Is he an only child? Maybe he's bored by himself....
- luck-- this society, as some have pointed out, only facilitates and encourages such addictions, and I for...as permissiveness and giving in every time your child whines or cries....
Talk : : December 05, 2011
My 10 year old DS is addicted to watching cartoons and playing online games. We don't let him watch or play anything during weekdays. During weekends, he gets up earlier than usual, turns on dvd player or starts watching netflix online. Until we get up, he watches something at least 2 hours but claims he watched only for 5-10 minutes and begs for more. We have no control of how much time he spends watching until we get up. Then until we go out, he continues to watch. Watching something stops only when we go out. We try to go put more nut if we're indoors for 5-6 hours on a weekend day then he watches cartoons, films or plays online games close to that amount of time. If we say no, he makes all kinds of complaining and begs to watch something to the point until we say yes. How can we stop this addiction?
98 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.05.11, 09:45 AM Flag ]You have the power to stop this if you want so why are you telling us?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:50 AM Flagto get ideas on how to stop. obviously, i'm having difficulty stopping this. weekend after weekend, i'm thinking this should be in the same category as any other addiction.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:59 AM FlagOP, you're the parent. Set some rules/boundaries but at the same time offer alternatives. It sounds like you or your DH need to engage in some one-on-one time with him to draw him away from all that screen-time? Some stuff my similar-aged sons like: building models with their dad, legos mindstorms, cooking projects, any sport. Would he be interested in a musical instrument? I'd sit him down and chat with him, get his ideas about what new things he'd like to try? He sounds bored.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:07 AM FlagI think your problem isn't with stopping but with his not wanting to do it.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:07 AM Flaghis not waning to do it is huge part of the problem. it's easy for us to stop and say no but he seems to be mad at us then. we need to divert his attention without becoming too obvious i think.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:09 AM Flag-
It's not that, it's that the OP legitimately wants her child to want to do other things. My four-year-old LOVES TV and would watch it all day. We don't let her, but I know she would. I wish she was one of those kids who aches to do crafts and would turn away from TV to do them, but she's not yet. We're working on it, but some kids really get drawn in to TV. My two-year-old could take or leave it.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:48 AM FlagAT age 10, it is sort of sad for a child to not have ANY other interests. A child that age can read independently, do involved projects, participate in sports, play an instrument. A 4 year old's abilities are much more limited (as is attention span). I'm not opposed to a certain amount of "downtime" spent watching a show (I do it myself once kids are asleep!) but spending 1/2 your waking hours plugged-in is not good for anyone. A 10 year old SHOULD have enough of an attention span and self-motivation to engage in other stuff.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:55 AM Flagop-he plays piano and tennis. his room is full of legos he built beyond his age. he is good at chess. he is very sharp and capable. still, he would spend every second by watching cartoons or movies at every chance.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:11 AM FlagIt sounds like you're saying 2 different things though? If he's got interests and gets good grades and DOES avoid playing/watching/screentime on the weekdays, then is it really that much of an issue? Tell him he can use the computer/videogame stuff until you and DH get up (allows you to sleep in) and then for an additional 2 hours of downtime on each weekend day. That is more than enough but also totally fair to him and his chosen form of recreation?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:24 AM Flagop-if we can only limit to only 2 hours there is no problem. it is not resolved by saying just no after time is up and after we say no more, he will sit at a corner angrily, hating us and will start crying until we let him watch or play.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:39 AM Flagbecause he's learned that if he does that for long enough (cries, sit in a corner) then you will give in. Like a toddler having a tantrum. If you just STOP EVER GIVING IN (and tell him that the jig is up, so that he knows, to be fair), he will stop making himself miserable on purpose because he knows you won't react to it
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 08:06 PM Flag
I don't know OP, I wouldn't try to "trick" him into a diversion.. I'd actively engage him in coming up with other ideas of what might interest/engage him. He's old enough to "get it" that watching TV and staring at a screen all day isn't good for him. Pick his brain, ask him what he'd love to do on the weekends? My guess is if he thought there was a big, fun project he could do with his dad or with you, he'd jump at that idea!
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:16 AM Flag
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Does he have friends? My kids would gravitate to the tv/internet/dvd player unless their friends were over. You can have a family discussion, choose a number of hours you feel comfortable with, then stick to it. Yes he's going to grumble. It depends how serious you feel this is. What should he do instead? My 10yo got into books and read a lot. You have to give him a habit to switch to. Is he an only child? Maybe he's bored by himself.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:51 AM Flagonly child. he loves to read but during weekends he reads only when we're out. then he keeps reading even when literally he is walking. he doesn't have many friends since we changed apartment and school this year. we're tryhing to set playdates but during playdates they end up watching something together.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:54 AM FlagI told my dd no TV during playdates. She listens. Her friends last weekend took out a bunch of board games and rediscovered them. They had a good time. You just have to be firm, set some limits. At the beginning kids will have a hard time b/c they are used to being spoon fed their entertainment by Tv. Get a puzzle put it out on a table, get erector set or other building sets, some Home Depots have Saturday morning crafts & tools things for kids to build a project, get boxes, paints, glue etc have a craft table out. Maybe buy some kits (silly science etc). Even some games on the computer are better than just mindless TV. FWIW, I'm not a big anti-TV person--but 6 hours a day seems too much.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:58 AM FlagITA. OP, check out Maker Shed store online. Lots of amazing kits for older boys. http://www.makershed.com/
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:10 AM Flag
This sounds pretty normal. We try and have busy weekend to keep the kids out of the house and away from the machines. And maybe around 11am or so, we'll say - 30 minutes more. Then it all goes off and you have to find some non-electronic way of entertaining yourself. The bigger issue here is the giving in to begging. After a while, that would have the TV disconnected for a week in my house, and DS confiscated.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:52 AM Flagyour ds sounds like the future of these dcs I see now on public transport/restaurants/etc who are addicted to video games.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 09:56 AM FlagI know you won't like this, but maybe let him watch a little bit during the week so that it's not such forbidden frult?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:09 AM Flagi don't think this will be a solution. during longer holidays, if we let him he keeps watching everyday at every chance. his desire to watch something doesn't decrease with the amount he actuall does it.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:13 AM FlagCoke addicts don't suddenly stop craving coke because they suddenly have more of it.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:15 AM Flagthat's b/c coke is a real addiction, while tv isn't. this is more like the kids whose parents don't allow sweets ever, but who then go crazy when offered ice cream at someone else's house
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:50 AM Flagop-just google and see if it can be a real addiction or not.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:29 PM Flagplease, you think her 10 year old has a real addiction to television from weekend viewing? the kid just wants to unwind, and may have some issues with his parents b/c they are always working on the weekend. he is not suffering withdrawal symptoms while at school.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 01:18 PM Flag
Adding my 2 cents, FWIW- my 5yo DS is also addicted to video games, especially his ds. He is obsessed with Mario games. Right away we restricted play to one hour on weekends. He would also get up early to play. The rule was eat breakfast first, then play for one hour. When time is up he freaks out. It became the privilege we took away if he got in trouble, and he began losing it consistently for bad behavior until now he has not had it for about two months. The deal is he can have it if he is good for one week and does not get a time out in school (Kindergarten!). I am a traditional parent who is opposed to these electronic forms of entertainment and I prefer to encourage creativity and hand-on learning. DS is extremely smart, but clearly craves these games... my suggestion to OP is to treat it like the addiction it is, but this requires much effort on your part to engage him on other activities and be present with him in the morning-- get up with him, or somehow lock all devices and tell him to read books until you wake. Good luck-- this society, as some have pointed out, only facilitates and encourages such addictions, and I for one don't like it! OK, my ranting is done.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:22 AM Flag-
Stupid DH, who thought it was a cool toy (since his friend's son had one too, of course) and enabled the behavior, until he saw the addictive effect. Told him so, now he agrees with me!
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:34 AM FlagSo, get the dad to find another fun activity to spend time with his son doing? My DH (and my sons) love the book "Backyard Ballistics". http://www.backyard-ballistics.com/ It's like a real-life video-game. :)
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:40 AM Flag
The answer is easy, don't buy video games!?! Signed, mom to 2 boys ages 7 and 9 and not a single video game in the house. Of course they ask for a DS, Playstation because "all their friends have them" blah, blah, blah but DH and I tell them we are not a video game family. Period. DH and I set the example that we don't spend all our free time on our screens either.. and we engage them in fun activities on the weekends. We do allow some movies/netflix but I simply won't cave on the videogame crap. I agree with a lot of the suggestions other people have made: puzzles, real games, models, kits, lego etc.. and also books-on-cd, my kids love listening to books when they feel too sleepy/relaxed to read a real book.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:37 AM Flag
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We have a token system -DS gets 5 1/2 hr chits (2.5 hrs/week) to spend as he wants. That way it's not random and he can regulate it himself. But we do work at making other things attractive - board games, puzzles, talking about books, suggesting we make comic books together, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 10:36 AM Flagmaybe the weekend addiction is partly due to the weekday prohibition. maybe an hour a day in general would work fine. what exactly are you trying to protect him from by not allowing any during the week?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:03 AM Flagop-he has lots of homework and other stuff (piano and tennis) during weekdays. even if we let him he wouldn't have time or he would make time by not spending enough time on homework.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:08 AM Flagnp: So, he has interests. That's great. He also likes computers and tv. I know as an adult I do too, and I like to wind down on the weekends. Don't worry about this. I think this is more your problem of perception than an actual real problem. Most 10 year old boys love video games. As for the attitude, I think it is normal. He feels entitled to the downtime since he doesn't get it during the week.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:15 AM Flagop-both DH and I need to work during most weekends in addition to weekdays, mostly from home with computers. DS observes that we spend a lot of time in front of a monitor and argues that why he wouldn't do the same, which he has a point. but believe me, his desire to watch something or play something is more like an addiction than normal. i intuitively know that we have to go out more or spend more time doing things wth him but with tons of workload this is becoming a real issue for all of us. DS's becoming addictive is part of this problem,our work load, as well.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:22 AM FlagWell BINGO! That's the problem in a nutshell, isn't it? You're modeling the behavior but then holding him to a different standard than you hold yourself. My advice would be to be sure to always let him have a friend sleep-over on Saturday nights.. or go to a friend's house. He's an only child and it sounds like you and your DH don't have time for much weekend family-time anyway? Of course he's bored.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:26 AM Flagop-that's important part, probably the source of it. when we have time then he doesn't show any interest to spend time with us. we have to convince him to go out. we're more careful now about weekends but seems like the damage is already done and he has distanced himself from us with watching tv, playing games.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:36 AM Flagnp: You don't have to convince him to go out, you just tell him he is coming with you. Allow him to bring a book if it is somewhere that might not be that fun for a kid. Once you get out, he will probably be fine. Don't ask his permission for everything. You should ask sometimes because he is getting older and needs that respect/validation, but not about everything.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:41 AM Flag
if he is so busy all week, and does everything he's supposed to (including getting good grades), maybe let him decompress over the weekend. 5-6 hours is a lot, so maybe say for each couple of hours he has to read for 45 minutes, or practice his instrument, or whatever. if he's otherwise a good kid, i would hate to have a major stand-off about weekend tv.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:18 AM Flag
I am confused: my 10 year old son is not permitted to use the TV or any electronics without asking.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:31 AM FlagCan't you lock Netflix? DS is 8yo and Netflix and Wii are password protected so he needs to ask permission first. We take DS away as soon as he abuses it. Sure, we get the "other kids..." line, but as I say "everyone does things differently." DS is pretty active and involved and has too much going on to really be able to abuse it, but school breaks are the biggest problem.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:39 AM FlagIs it really a problem, though? I think a lot of people on this post are seeing problems where there aren't any.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:44 AM Flagop-just posted below. for me, the problem is DS doesn't get enough sleep and gets up after 7 hours of sleep just to watch or play.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:48 AM FlagI don't understand OP, why can't you put your foot down and say, "No screentime until 8am"? It seems that you and your DH need to come up with a plan and stick to your guns. Obviously setting a password and then changing it as soon as he whines won't work.. your son needs to see you as a united front when it comes to these rules. Maybe it's too late? Maybe the bad habits you have all developed are too far along? Seems worth it to try though?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:57 AM Flag
or: yeah, to me a kid who wakes up wo enough sleep every weekend for screen time and who pesters his parents to get he password, etc. has a problem. of course, i do think op is being totally lazy. i like my sleep too, but if my 10yo was that big a pest, i'd go to "no tv" at all.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:09 PM Flagop-i don't understand why you say 'lazy'? is it because i don't wake up with him? or because i don't stick with the rules such as giving up the password?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:15 PM FlagIt is lazy parenting to let this bad a habit develop in the first place.. you got him the video games and gave him access to the netflix etc because you thought it might keep him out of your hair for awhile (so you could sleep in or work or whatever).. you set limits but then cave as soon as he whines.. you work all weekend and then wonder why he isn't in the habit of relishing family time.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:20 PM Flagop-i don't really need to defend myself but here it goes: DS has always been prone to this addiction, but got out of hand after we moved 4 months ago which screwed up our habits and comfort zone. with all the work needed to be done for moving and no vacation time and noone to help, we let DS watch more than he should. now, after slowly getting back to normal, i relise we should put an end to this. can happen to anyone, no need to be this harsh towards others.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:28 PM Flag
let's be honest, when you'd rather give up the password than wake up and enforce the rules, that's lazy - esp if that's a regular occurrence. if you'd rather complain than enforce the rules, that's lazy. if you don't think it's a problem, then don't complain.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:41 PM Flag
op-we change passwords then early in the sat/sunday morning he comes to our bed and keeps asking for it until he learns it. just to sleep another hour i tell him helpless. i would be okay with him accessing it while we are sleeping but he gets up really early, earlier than school days, after 7 hours, sometimes less, of sleep.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:47 AM FlagI'm sorry OP but you sound so passive (and lazy!). Sorry to be harsh but that's the way a lot of your posts sound to me. Be the adults, be the parents.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:54 AM Flagop-are you the one who said "who gives a crap? be the adult" ?
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:07 PM FlagNo, and again I am sorry to be harsh. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a parent sometimes! I actually don't even think it is that bad to let him laze around on weekend mornings doing whatever he wants to do for an hour or so.. and you and DH get some more sleep. But you're the one who posted that this is becoming a problem! If you can't see that it is YOUR job as a parent to set the limits, then what do you expect us to tell you? If the problem is that he rises early and doesn't get enough sleep, set a time when he can start playing/watching and DO NOT WAVER.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:15 PM Flagop-to answer your question: "If you can't see that it is YOUR job as a parent to set the limits, then what do you expect us to tell you?" First of all, I realise that I'm the parent and it is my job, second, this is why I'm asking other parents if they have similar problems and hopefully can share their sucessful solutions etc. If I would be lazy, I wouldn't mind my DS's addiction. I hope you are not always this intolerant for your own sake.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:24 PM Flagnp: I think a lot of parents don't really consider this a real problem. If it gets to be too much, they jsut put limits on it and they are fine. I think maybe you have a lot of guilt over your weekend work and not spending time with your child. I think your child deserves more time with you, and for the time he's not spending with you on the weekend, let him play or watch tv. Which is the addictive behavior, the games or the tv? One is passive, one is active, so I assume you see a difference.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:55 PM Flagbtw, I think this guilt manifests itself as permissiveness and giving in every time your child whines or cries.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:59 PM FlagI agree. OP, could you have a frank discussion with your DS about this? Tell him exactly what you said above.. that your family developed some bad habits during the move and that you want to change gears. Talk to him about why spending his entire weekend tied to a screen is not great for him, and make a pact with him to not be as tied to your own screen? Come up with some ideas as a family for activities which everyone would enjoy. Be sure he knows he can still play the games and watch some shows, but in moderation.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 01:04 PM Flag
I think you have to set the limits like others said but his approach is NORMAL. My brother was the same when he was that age. He would wake up early to get the best seat on the couch, hide the remote or take it to the bathroom with him so no one could change the channel. Now he's an energy trader with an MBA. My mom just had to constantly be on him. Not fun, but don't worry that he isn't normal.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 11:54 AM Flagop-i have a brother very much like that who watches tv obessively. he didn't turn out to be the person he could be and he is very sharp. DS is very much like him characterwise, hje reminds me of him at my brother's age. i fear he'll turn out to be like him if we don't teach him to deal with this addiction.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:11 PM Flagnp: What did you expect of him and why do you think the tv was the culprit? Why isn't he responsible? I watched tons of tv as a kid and so did dh and quite few of our friends and we are successful. TV was just a pastime. Something to help us wind down. We still watch it and we surf the net all the time. I don't think one this has anything to do with the other.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 01:01 PM Flag
maybe if you allowed some during the week it wouldn't be so special on the weekends? he obviously is not negatively impacted, he has so many other interests and he's smart and finds other things to do during the week. maybe the week is pretty stressful and he wants to zone out on the weekend. this just doesn't sound like a big deal. make sure he gets out of the house on the weekends, and the rest of the time, let him watch.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:15 PM Flag"We have no control of how much time he spends watching until we get up." Why not? This is what I don't get? Who is in charge in your house? Sounds like your DS is? That's the crux of the problem right there OP.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 12:56 PM FlagOur son is about the same age and we have the same issue. But, we aren't very worried about it. Our DS is at school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. daily, receives tutoring from 5 to 6:30 3 days a week, and has 45 minutes of homework 6 days a week. His video time is his relaxation time. We do NOT allow any violent games or TV though.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 05:29 PM Flaghow about making a deal with him that one weekend a month, he goes technology free. no tv, games, computer etc. and maybe you loosen up the other weekends. we have a second home with no tv and it is never missed but once we are back home, the addiction continues.
[ Reply | More ]12.05.11, 05:37 PM Flag
[+] What percentage of your DCs classmates/friends are only children? 10 replies
- depends on how you count. About a quarter of the DCs are the only DC from their parents marriage. Of that group, probably half have older...either live with their mothers or are in their 20s and living on their own). My DC is an only child, but this is the first (and hopefully only) marriage for both DH and I, and he is close to the youngest...
- most. we have a ton of friends with only one dc. it's fun for the kids to all get together. lots...
Talk : : December 02, 2011
What percentage of your DCs classmates/friends are only children?
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.02.11, 08:31 PM Flag ]really, in NYC? im under the impression that this is pretty common in NYC
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 03:48 AM FlagIt depends on how you count. About a quarter of the DCs are the only DC from their parents marriage. Of that group, probably half have older half-siblings (mostly fathers on their second or third marriages, the older half-siblings either live with their mothers or are in their 20s and living on their own). My DC is an only child, but this is the first (and hopefully only) marriage for both DH and I, and he is close to the youngest father in DCs grade. Yes, it's an UES private school.
[ Reply | More ]12.03.11, 07:23 AM Flag
[+] Anyone else have sex with a sibling when they were a kid? I talked about this with a... 50 replies
- you must be an only child...
- within their age range and when they were little like 8-9 they experimented sexually with each other. I'm an only child so I never thought this stuff happened, but they were saying that many people have told them about similar...their brother but that was a very messed up relationship and the only one I ever heard of...
Talk : : December 02, 2011
Anyone else have sex with a sibling when they were a kid? I talked about this with a group of friends last night and apparently this is pretty common.
50 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.02.11, 08:26 AM Flag ]-
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I have 8 siblings and I never had sex with any of them. Shit, I'm 33 and I can not wear low cut shirts around them now.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:33 AM Flag-
lol! no my brothers are still over protective of me even my younger brother is so whenever I"m around them they tell me I shouldn't wear stuff like that because men stare at you, so I don't just to save myself of a lecture. They get it from my dad he's worse then they are.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:55 AM Flag
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OP. A few of the people have siblings within their age range and when they were little like 8-9 they experimented sexually with each other. I'm an only child so I never thought this stuff happened, but they were saying that many people have told them about similar experiences.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:32 AM Flag
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I know someone who was sexually abused by an older sibling but she would never, ever describe that hell as "having sex."
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:33 AM FlagMy sister and I used to "pretend" to have sex when we were very little, like 6 and 7 maybe. But we were also raised by parents who thought it was appropriate to allow 6 and 7 year olds to watch movies like The Accused. Sigh.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 08:46 AM FlagYou are a perv posting this. This is a fake post. Go away, pedophile.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 10:47 AM FlagDon't reply to this post - this person has serious problems.. This is BS and disgusting --- I hope your IP adress is tracked down by UB, I can almost be sure that u are probably a sex offender...
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 11:07 AM FlagOP here. Nope, I'm a wife and mother of three and I was shocked when I heard this too and genuinely was curious if it was as common as the people at dinner were making it out to be. Clearly, from the responses, what they experienced wasn't common and I'm wondering if some sort of abuse was going on that they either didn't bring up or have forgotten.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 12:32 PM Flag
[+] Do you ever secretly suspect having a child/children was the wrong decision, that you... 51 replies
- maybe have a second one. I am/was an only child, and I think the relationship between parents and...
- ida. OP doesn't have a difficult child or a too-intense relationship, she simply finds the...to. 2) the time you spend with your child does not need to be so child-centered. my...the lack of spontaneous grown up fun and only when it strikes me to do something and...she's getting divorced, and she blames the child for the failure of her marriage....
Talk : : December 01, 2011
Do you ever secretly suspect having a child/children was the wrong decision, that you're just not good at this? I only have one but find myself missing my pre-db life every single day. ty
51 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.01.11, 08:44 AM Flag ]How old is your DB? I felt this way until DCs were ~4. Now it's much easier and actually fun!
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:46 AM Flagop: DC is 3 years old. I feel awful, I mean AWFUL that I really don't seem to enjoy life anymore.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:48 AM FlagI agree with this. It takes a while to grow into your motherhood. It does not happen "overnight". Its a life change. Your doubts are common but you need to grown into it. Its a hard transition.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:49 AM Flagop: thank you. I agree it doesn't happen overnight, but three years isn't overnight. I WOHM, and while I have very good hours and can spend time with DC, I feel like my life is divided into DC time and work time, and I can go for weeks without feeling like I've really enjoyed myself.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:51 AM FlagWhat do you do with DC that you feel like is not fun? My DS is 3 as well, and I like this age because he can talk to you, you can goto the movies, the circus, the zoo, and there's a ton to do. If you ask me to sit there and play super heroes then no, I suck at that too.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:54 AM Flagwill you have more? it's hard when they are little - i wohm i have an 8 yr old and a 3 yr old. Age 3 is a difficult period, they are needy but aggressive and self absorbed sometimes. the 8 yr old is independant though and when i have time with him, i can get stuff done or he can go to a playdate and i have alone time...
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:58 AM Flag
I suspect I'm not good at it, but I never think it was the wrong decision. Your DC is young and needy. When they get more self-sufficient, you feel differently.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:48 AM FlagI feel like I might enjoy parenthood if I had some help. I WOH full-time, DH is useless, and babysitters are too expensive to hire for weekends. With some opportunities to re-group and re-charge, it might not all be drudgery.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:51 AM Flagop: this exactly. You are me. DH isn't exactly useless but use-limited. He works quite a bit, so when he's home we're all together generally. I honestly feel like I'm suffocating sometimes.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:52 AM FlagOR: It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by all the "family management" stuff -- arranging childcare, pediatrician visits, food shopping, laundry, etc. I rarely have relaxed one-on-one time with my kids, and I never get enough sleep or exercise. People claim that "it gets better," but my older one is 8, and it hasn't yet....
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:58 AM Flag
Does anyone with kids honestly not miss their pre-db life? I know I do. But still love DB tons and tons. I am only happy because I WOH so am not with him 24/7, plus take alot of "me" breaks on the weekends. Probably gets me flame, but keeps me sane and I'm a firm believer in happy/sane mom = better mom than crazy/martyr mom.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:54 AM Flagop: how are you managing the 'me' breaks? Sitter? Family? We don't have family who can help
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:56 AM FlagDH steps up to the plate. We sacrifice a ton of together time (usually get this after DB goes to sleep on the weeknights) for the "him" and "me" time. Basically we take shifts on the weekend. DS gets quality time with one parent while the other parent gets to workout, do something relaxing, whatever.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:57 AM Flag
This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but maybe have a second one. I am/was an only child, and I think the relationship between parents and an only child can be very intense and pressures the child into acting more like an adult, but also sort of forces the parents to live in the child's world a world centered around the child as well. I think larger families allow more freedom for adults to be adults and kids to be kids.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 09:05 AM FlagThis happens — MUCH more than people admit. I think it's a shame parenthood is one of the few things it's still taboo to have frank and honest discussions about. I mean, it's a huge life decision. Probably the biggest one you can make. It certainly alters your life more than any other big decision (work, marriage, etc. can be changed.) And there is NO WAY to fully prepare yourself for it. You only know it wasn't the right decision for you until you're in the muck, so to speak.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 09:47 AM FlagMy $.02 fwiw - if you woh, it is very easy to feel too "guilty" to take me time when you're home, but you need to. 2) the time you spend with your child does not need to be so child-centered. my 2 kids are 5 years apart bc i never thought i could handle a 2nd or where i would find time to do things w 2 kids when i barely could with one. it absolutely gets easier after 4yo. when my oldest was young, i used to get me time after bedtime. i would come home, have the evening and then make dinner plans or go out for a drink w friends at 8pm. obviously this works better if dh is home at night but you can also get a sitter occasionally. i also picked something i could do at home that i really enjoyed - for me it's reading, for my friend it's scrapbooking, etc. and after dc was in bed, i would spend an evening doing this. no sitter required, but dh knew on those nights to do his own thing. i also started finding things dc and i could do together that we both enjoyed or that i needed to do and got him to participate, rather than just things for him - i started taking him to plays, movies (i happen to like animated films though), shopping, etc. and he understood that his mom needed to do things on the weekends and came along - so we spent time together AND i was able to get a new night table for the bedroom, or a light fixture or whatever. now, this was a lot easier with one, tougher with 2! it's very easy to get caught up in being a mom and think you need to spend every free moment playing with them or doing something fun, but that leads to a kid who thinks life is always fun and that's not good for anyone. also by 4 or 5, playdates will be drop off, so you can have dc invite a friend over in the afternoon and hopefully they play and allow you read, knit, shop online or clean out the fridge! as a final note, the more time that passes the less i miss my pre-kid life. 8 years in, what i miss most is the lack of spontaneous grown up fun and only when it strikes me to do something and i realize i can't - like those first warm days and you're walking home from the subway and you think "i so want to sit at an outdoor restaurant and have a glass of wine and dinner".
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:09 AM Flag^^^ it's scrapbooking, etc. and after dc was in bed, i would spend an evening doing this. no sitter required, but dh knew on those nights to do his own thing. i also started finding things dc and i could do together that we both enjoyed or that i needed to do and got him to participate, rather than just things for him - i started taking him to plays, movies (i happen to like animated films though), shopping, etc. and he understood that his mom needed to do things on the weekends and came along - so we spent time together AND i was able to get a new night table for the bedroom, or a light fixture or whatever. now, this was a lot easier with one, tougher with 2! it's very easy to get caught up in being a mom and think you need to spend every free moment playing with them or doing something fun, but that leads to a kid who thinks life is always fun and that's not good for anyone. also by 4 or 5, playdates will be drop off, so you can have dc invite a friend over in the afternoon and hopefully they play and allow you read, knit, shop online or clean out the fridge! as a final note, the more time that passes the less i miss my pre-kid life. 8 years in, what i miss most is the lack of spontaneous grown up fun and only when it strikes me to do something and i realize i can't - like those first warm days and you're walking home from the subway and you think "i so want to sit at an outdoor restaurant and have a glass of wine and dinner".
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:10 AM Flag^^^ every free moment playing with them or doing something fun, but that leads to a kid who thinks life is always fun and that's not good for anyone. also by 4 or 5, playdates will be drop off, so you can have dc invite a friend over in the afternoon and hopefully they play and allow you read, knit, shop online or clean out the fridge! as a final note, the more time that passes the less i miss my pre-kid life. 8 years in, what i miss most is the lack of spontaneous grown up fun and only when it strikes me to do something and i realize i can't - like those first warm days and you're walking home from the subway and you think "i so want to sit at an outdoor restaurant and have a glass of wine and dinner".
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:11 AM FlagOP: I love you. Seriously? This is the most insightful, encouraging and sane response I've received. Ever. I have no family nearby and few friends who have kids older than mine, so I really have zero insight or perspective about the future. You are wonderful. Thank you.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:19 AM Flagor: glad i could help! i WILL add though, that my 2nd was a bit of a surprise and that it did make it exponentially harder in the early years, although now that he's 3 and my older one is 8, now it's actually easier. and if you can find a HS kid in your bldg who babysits at a reasonable price, this is great help for after bedtime outings. you can just go grab coffee w a friend for an hour - no min number of hrs to make it worth their while, no cost of taxi home, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:25 AM Flag
Regarding "me" time on the weekends - in the city it was so easy to find super-creative and fun babysitters - arts students, actresses - who would think up amazingly fun scenarios to do with DD far beyond what I could at the end of a long week - I felt that was win-win for all! Recharged mom, creatively engaged kid, art student with some spending money! One portion of the weekend spent in this way could be something all parties look forward to, just like weekend pancakes, etc.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 04:37 PM Flagnever, but i do have a friend who said if she had it to do over again, she would not have had her son.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 04:44 PM Flag-
I adore my one and he's great but I get the feeling that if we have another, I will not be able to handle it. This is seriously keeping me from giving DS a sibling. There are weeks where I wish I didn't have to do X or Y and I wish I could do things easily and freely and that I had more me time. When you are feeling rested, do you enjoy DC? Do you enjoy your job? Maybe you need to work on balance more (work less, so there's less guilt and more fun) and if you can change jobs to something better (for you, not anyone else out there) you might enjoy parenthood better.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 04:45 PM FlagI knew having kids wasn't for me, but my husband woke up one day and really wanted children. So we adopted two sisters, on the condition that I would keep working and he would be the SAHP. If we ever split (fortunately, not a likely possibility), he'll take custody and I'll pay child support. They're great, I love them, but no way was I cut out for being more than a weekend parent.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 02:46 PM Flag
[+] WWYD? DS in K performing well above grade level in an excellent public gen ed (readi... 19 replies
- should be your first step. I would not skip a child in K. Much of K is just getting all of...they do allow grade skipping in NYC - know a child who was moved from K to 1 last year but...place prodigy. Think about the social life/skills of your child above all if you decide to push for this....
- ^only child in his year at that level...
Talk : : December 01, 2011
WWYD? DS in K performing well above grade level in an excellent public gen ed (reading on 2nd or 3rd grade level, math on 2nd grade level). Regularly claims boredom academically, but happy socially - fall birthday. Would you talk to school about moving up to first grade now? Not trying to be a tiger, just want him to think school is interesting and fun (which he currently doesn't). If it makes a difference, we are having him retested for G&T (qualified last year but placement didn't work due to family circumstances). Private not an option.
19 replies [ Reply | Watch | More12.01.11, 06:58 AM Flag ]Fall birthday? So, he just turned 5? No, I wouldn't move him. He'll be much younger than most of the kids. If he was a spring birthday, I might answer differently. The work ramps up, ask the teacher how to give him extra work to do.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 07:00 AM FlagI would just do more with him at home. Play chess and dominoes with him andget him to learn math and science strategies that are not workbookish. Reading is easy take him to bank street book and ask for some good recommendations. Sounds like you have a smart kid so challenge him in different ways.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 07:19 AM FlagThis was us last year. Teacher worked with us to give him differentiation and special projects that kept him engaged (i.e., not bored stiff). Moved to G&T this year for first. Would agree that at this age moving up a grade would not be a good idea for social/emotional reasons. Also agree re: supplementing at home. One caveat: DS got used to coasting last year, took some doing to get him putting his best effort in this year.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 07:25 AM FlagHave you talked to the teacher about this? That should be your first step. I would not skip a child in K. Much of K is just getting all of the kids on a similar level with respect to behavior and routines and academics because they are all coming from different backgrounds. It speeds up in 1st. In my experience, the teachers separate the kids who are very advanced during individual work and give them higher level assignments then. sure, it may be boring to have to listed to a talk on reading when you already can read, but it is not the worst thing in the world for a 5 year old.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 08:07 AM FlagOP: We have. She will be separating them into reading groups soon but still thinks that he will be the most advanced, so I'm not sure how much that will help. They have independent reading time, and I think she has started encouraging him to read higher level books. Honestly, his biggest area of complaint is math, and she didn't have many suggestions for that. He wants homework, and she told us to buy workbooks and encourage writing at home, which we have. I think that
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 09:03 AM FlagSorry - I think that the ideas about chess above and the math / science strategies are good and I'm going to look into those.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 09:04 AM FlagMy kid has always been way ahead in math, and it never even occurred to us to try to skip because I think he needs to be where he is for social/emotional development. I taught him to play cards, ken ken and sudoku. You can try those challenges. They will get him to think and they are fun. No need to jump ahead in curriculum with math, just encourage thinking creatively because that is what it is all about especially in higher grades.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 09:11 AM Flag
just curious, how did you come up with the reading and math level? my dc also in K and ahead in math and reading (have no idea to what grade level), but never thought about looking into skipping grade. not even sure if they do this in nyc
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:18 AM FlagOP: I know his guided reading level (M) which is a late second grade level. Math is admittedly an estimate based on current capabilities (advanced addition and subtraction - can do with double-digit numbers, basic conceptual multiplication). My mother is an elementary school teacher so that helps. Yes, they do allow grade skipping in NYC - know a child who was moved from K to 1 last year but Jan bday.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 10:53 AM Flag
Is your dc sophisticated socially? Does he hang out with older kids or the older siblings of his current friends and find them more interesting? K to 1st is not as big a leap as say 1st to 2nd, so I guess you should deal with the skipping now if you feel it should be done. What you've described is actually like a girl my ds was in class with from K-3rd. She was very far ahead in K (level O reading), but fell further into the pack as they got older. Now, she still does very well, but is not some kind of out of place prodigy. Think about the social life/skills of your child above all if you decide to push for this.
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 11:01 AM FlagOP: yes, he does prefer older kids. But the eventual evening out on both a social and academic level is one of the major reasons why I'm unlikely to push. He's a very smart kid, but very normal if that makes any sense. Also he is uber into sports, and pushing ahead will disadvantage him in that area later (he's already young and can't play on the same soccer team as some classmates). This conversation has really just confirmed my gut instinct - thanks!
[ Reply | More ]12.01.11, 11:18 AM Flag
I don't think they will skip a grade for your ds in NYC. Have a dc who was 6 grades ahead in reading and 3 grades in math and they denied a grade skip.
[ Reply | More ]12.02.11, 09:24 AM Flag
[+] MIL told me DH used to give her such a hard time getting ready in the mornings, she s... 28 replies
- wondering if he is an only child?...
- Just the only boy...
- (if it works, you end up with a co-dependent adult child, if it doesn't work you end up with an adult child who is sane but deeply resents you). They will tell you the children need them...
Talk : : November 28, 2011
MIL told me DH used to give her such a hard time getting ready in the mornings, she still dressed him when he was 12 years old. Please tell me is this as weird as I think it is?
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.28.11, 07:23 PM Flag ]as in, physically dressed him? or just picked out his clothes? Fwiw, it's weird either way, but there are degrees of weirdness.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:26 PM Flag-
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OP. MIL also told me DH was such a picky eater she had to drive a home cooked meal
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:33 PM Flag-
No matter what your MIL tells you, it was not your dh who had these issues. It was her! My own mother is very similar and would do the same things if you let her loose. I had to fight back to create boundaries from a very young age and still do. Boys tend to be more easygoing which is probably why your dh let her get away with this. What is she like with her grandchildren?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:36 PM FlagDoes everything for them eg does laundry for her 20 something year old grandchildren. My DCs are still little, so nothing that wacky yet.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:40 PM Flag-
separation anxiety. these women want their children to be close to them so badly they end up either pushing their children away or creating serious problems for their children, because rather than encourage independence, they encourage neediness (if it works, you end up with a co-dependent adult child, if it doesn't work you end up with an adult child who is sane but deeply resents you). They will tell you the children need them, but really it's that they need to be needed.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:45 PM FlagInteresting. Why does she want them to need her? I always thought it's because she wants to control their lives?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:47 PM FlagBecause she thinks - misguidedly - that if they need her, then they will always stay close to her and she will never be alone. She doesn't trust that they might want to be close to her just because they love her, she thinks she has to be needed. And she is petrified of being unwanted and alone.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:49 PM Flag-
Um...I'd watch out for a MIL like this. Seriously. My MIL is this way and when dh gets sick, she will drop off 10-15 types of OTC medications for his wittle bitty cough. It's crazy. Talk about helicopter mommies!
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:44 PM Flag
I callBS. No way a boy in grade school would be ok with this it would be SO embarrassing as to be ostracizing.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 07:41 PM Flag
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[+] I am the stepmom who posted last night that my 9yo SD told my 3yo son that there is n... 180 replies
- they do it my child's school to younger kids...
- world is different and special for them. Signed, child of divorce with tough parents/steps who held...petty -- and I am mother to an only child (daughter) who has a stepmom. listen, my...lesson (i.e., in this case lying is not only okay but morally correct and we're mad...
- So when your child eventually tells another kid at school (which they...
Talk : : November 28, 2011
I am the stepmom who posted last night that my 9yo SD told my 3yo son that there is no Santa (and then showed him where we hide the gifts...which amazed me, because I didn't realize that she knew!) DH spoke to her today and asked her why she told him, and she said that she told him because Santa doesn't exist. DH tried to explain to her the concept of fairy tales and make believe etc., but she told him that she doesn't care and just rolled her eyes at him. I'm feeling sad, like I need to protect my son. I don't want to get involved in the discussions with her because I think it is really DH's place and I don't want to create more bad feelings, but I'm so frustrated. Any ideas on what DH should do? What I should do?
180 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.28.11, 08:31 AM Flag ]sorry but i think you are a colossal whiner. her being a stepchild is irrelevant. a 9 or 10 year old is going to tell younger kids there is no santa and everything else......they do it my child's school to younger kids.....its the world
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:34 AM Flag-
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wow, not my kids. my son loved celebrating xmas and playing santa with his baby brother. sorry about your family.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:39 AM Flag-
Mine are twins, but they were alerted to all the "fake" things in their private school. Get a life.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:42 AM FlagI guess public school kids are different, then. What does private school have to do with anything here? Seems like YOU should get a life.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:44 AM FlagWow. Hey, ladies! Let's remember that we're responding to a post about Santa. Sinterklaas. St. Nicholas. The Bishop of Myra. Jolly Old Elf. And remember...Santa's watching! Be NICE! Let's not turn this into WOHM v. SAHM or Public v. Private, etc, etc. Have a cup of hot chocolate or munch a candy cane and relax!
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:26 PM Flag
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No. They don't. My 5 yo still believes in Santa--and my 9 yo takes a lot of joy in playing along.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:40 AM Flagnp: exactly! I think the primary point here is that this is a stepchild---THAT's why OP mentioned it, this to me is a symbol of greater resentment on the part of the 9 yo regarding the divorce and her own feelings of lost childhood and innocence as a result of it.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:35 AM Flag
np. No, they really don't. Especially to a 3yo. It'd be one thing if the 9yo broke the news to a classmate who still believed, but by that age most dc have enough emotional awareness and maturity that they don't deliberately spoil it for very little kids. If anything, a child that age would be more likely to play along for the 3yo, because it makes them feel very mature/superior to be in on the secret. I don't think OP should blow this out of proportion (it's not as if this makes the step-daughter a monster), but it was either a deliberately mean thing to do or else the girl is pretty immature, emotionally.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:48 AM Flag
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Why is it that my 9 and 10 year old dear stepdaughters would not think of doing this? No, I believe that OP has every right to be upset. Her SD did this out of misplaced spite--she feels her childhood has been compromised and in her own small way wanted to contribute to the dismantling of someone else's. That was very mean and I get that we have this idea that children are naturally self centered and they are to a point--but there is also a such thing as going beyond the normal self centeredness of childhood into the realm of outright meanness regardless of the age.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:33 AM Flag
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I would punish her. That is awful, and a 9 yo knows better. I'm really sorry, and I can imagine how upsetting this is for you.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:34 AM FlagI can't punish her because I've always taken the "stay out of it" approach and since it is such a sensitive issue I think it will really wreck things if I get involved here. DH is pretty much open to doing whatever, but I don't know what is ok/appropriate.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:37 AM Flagnp: i don't see how this is a punishable offense. it's not a nice thing to do, and perhaps her dad can help her see this. but punishment? what's the crime? she told her sibling the TRUTH! you are mad because you are LYING to the 3 y/o (i'm doing it too, and i have an 8yo so i'm not judging) and the older child busted you.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:20 AM FlagThe nine-year-old did it to be mean. That's why she should be punished or at least spoken to.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:56 AM Flagyou can't punish someone out of being mean. that makes them even meaner.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:12 AM Flag^ and you can't know why the child did it. motivation is complicated. could be the normal desire to feel great by telling someone something they don't know. maybe the 9 year old is a future investigative journalist.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:14 AM FlagLord I get sick of this new age philosophy: not so nice behavior to downright awful behavior is okay because perhaps the misbehaving party is actually providing some unknown good or exhibiting some unrevealed talent. Therefore we should all take the bad behavior as an indicator of some way that we the receivers of the behavior need to change ourselves. No. Maybe they're just a jerk and need a good comeuppance. Yes, there are shades of gray in life but not that many.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:39 AM FlagThank you for this. Got to love how the new, hands-off parents believe they've figured something out nobody knew about parenting for thousands of years. Jerks are jerks and yes young children can be jerks. The idea that they don't require boundaries and teaching to end up a decent person is utterly ridiculous.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:11 AM Flagi never said there shouldn't be boundaries. of course children need boundaries. nobody ever became "a decent person" by being forced, through punitive measures, to be nice. maybe that's why you might APPEAR to be a decent person, but here you are pretty awful.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:23 AM Flag
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I think you know that you have to stay out of it. This is between your father and daughter. So many reasons why she might be doing this, but you can only make things worse. Luckily, your 3 y.o. can probably be convinced that his sister was just teasing him with a made up story.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:35 AM FlagOP. I agree. I'm trying that now. Any ideas on how to get him to believe again? He keeps telling me that he saw all the gifts and so why would they be in our house if there is a Santa? I said that mommy and daddy buy gifts for other people because Santa doesn
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:41 AM Flag
What would you do if your daughter did this? You would get over it. She is 9 not 39.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:35 AM FlagYes, I WOULD get over it, but I would definitely be angry and talk to her about not ruining things for her younger siblings. A 9 year old knows plenty about the world and knows enough to not do things like this.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:46 AM FlagAND she WAS talked to- so why the unsatisfaction? Because she is not yours?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:52 AM FlagBecause she rolled her eyes and acted like it wasn't a big deal -- and indicated that she won't stop!
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:59 AM FlagWon't stop what? Letting her baby brother know the facts of life sooner than she did- this is the reality of all younger siblings. Also, 9 year olds tend to be defensive when rebuked- especially when their Daddy is doing it at the behest of the stepmom.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:06 AM FlagDH was really angry and doing it on his own. I don't agree that all older siblings do this -- my older sister never did things like this, my friends kids also do not/have not. Are you a stepchild? Or a mom with an ex-DH? You seem really angry about this.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:11 AM FlagSo then it was done and he demonstrated his disappointment. I am a product of an intact family and my children have one too. No divorce here. I think you are being extremely unreasonable OP, and I hope the therapist at family therapy explains to you that treating your SD with the same treatment you wish for your own DD will go far.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:25 AM Flag
It was really bratty for her to do this, but in the big scheme of things, it is not a big deal. I bet she feels bad, whether she is letting it show or not. If stuff like this becomes a habit, then I think you will need to figure something out. But even good kids do bratty things sometimes.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:36 AM FlagIt's unfortunate that she did this, but it isn't easy having your parents divorce, remarry and have another kid. You knew that there would be issues going into the relationship. This is one of the things you'll have to suck up. Can you blame her for feeling jealous at times?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:37 AM Flag-
np: wow, what? somebody sounds pathetic and miserable, and it ain't the or. your response was way out of line!
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:43 AM Flag-
Sorry, that was a np. I am having a hard time understanding how OP's child (the SD's HALF sibling) should expect to be punished because of adivorce that happened years ago. Your comment basically enables a 9 yo girl to act like a spoiled brat because her parents got a divorce. It is a miserable attitude.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:50 AM FlagYeah, agreed. I think sometimes kids get too much leeway due to a divorce, and it really screws them up--makes them into adults who don't accept consequences or expect that the world is different and special for them. Signed, child of divorce with tough parents/steps who held me accountable!
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:54 AM Flag
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I'm fine with sucking it up but I'm not ok with DS having things ruined. I don't blame her at all, but I also spent her entire early childhood playing Santa for her and I don't think it is ok to wreck my son's experience.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:43 AM FlagHow would you "punish" for this- punished for telling the truth? Sounds like Mommy needs to get over the precious wecious childhood.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:45 AM FlagWow, you sound like a psycho. There are some things that are precious in childhood. Seems like you must have had a very unhappy one, hope this isn't spilling over into the childhood of your children.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:48 AM FlagAnd you sound like a first time mom. Listen, not everything in parenting goes exactly the way you wish or plan and being unable to roll with the punches leads to angry and depressed adults when your kids grow up. PS- I hope you don't resort to ad hominem attacks when you are losing an argument with your dh or kids- this is unhealthy too.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:54 AM FlagI have four children. Your attack was ad hominem, mine was provoked. You DO sound like a psycho.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:56 AM FlagDo you know what ad hominem means? It has nothing to do with provocation...Be kind to your stepdaughter- try and cultivate some maturity.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:57 AM Flag
Yes, there are some things that are precious in childhood, but I would not put believing in Santa in the list. In fact I am quite shocked that so many people here feel so strongly about this. I wonder if it's mostly first time mom of very young children. Or I may just be in the minority. Personally I find the current emphasis on gifts at Christmas quite upsetting and offensive.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:04 AM FlagOP. I agree with the gifts issue. In my childhood (rural!) my dad put on a Santa suit and ran through our backyard, and I would wait to hear reindeer on the roof and remember being so excited at the magic of it all. My SD had all of that...I'd like that for my DS, too. The gifts are just part of it.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:14 AM Flag
OR: Not saying it's okay, but I'm saying that some jealousy and anger on her part is inevitable. Your DH should talk to her, but I think you'll get farther if you try to find out why she did it. She knows it's wrong to spoil the surprise; she did it for another reason.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:47 AM FlagOP. Yeah, I agree. DH tried to ask her about why she did it, but it is very hard for him to get real answers from her. Some of it is probably her age, and some of it is probably her reluctance to admit to feeling jealous and bad sometimes. Forgot to mention that she also told DS that she gets 2x the gifts he gets because his mom gives them to her, too -- to me that sounds like jealousy and it makes me sad for her. We try to have a wonderful holiday with her but there's no way that the shuffling back and forth is fun for her, you know?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:51 AM Flagmy 6 year old doesn't have a half-sibling yet but i can totally hear that coming ut of her mouth if she does -- I think the appropriate response to her is that sometimes we can think certain things but it isn't okay to say them in a way to try to hurt someone else and the response to him will be, "it must be hard for her to split the holidays."
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:56 AM Flag
Why don't you tell her exactly that? She might get it and appreciate being talked to like a peer. I suggest a little family therapy,she is acting out.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:47 AM Flagyou need to have a conversation with her about this -- not in an angry way, but in a this is a part of childhood that I want to give to DS like I helped, along with your dad and mom, give to you. Tell her this could be part of her holiday gift to you since you want to see the magic in your child's eyes -- just like you loved seeing it in her eyes -- and that it will mean a lot to you. Have her actually read the text of the newspaper response, Yes Virginia there is a santa claus (available online) and ask her if she has memories of past christmas that were special because she believed. ask her to help you help him believe again. ask her when she decided that there wasn't a santa claus and why? ask her if there are ways to make the holidays special for her -- talk about things you like to do even though you know -- i.e., I think my child is getting to the more questioning age so this year I am upping things like baking together and trying to actually learn the words and meanings and history behind christmas carols. (I liked the response above about presents for parents, cousins, etc. (BTW -- I am a bm and my child has a SM and I would be okay with her having this conversation.) Good luck.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:52 AM Flag-
Keep it short and sweet. We are a generation of over explainers and kids tune it out.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:57 AM FlagHer dad talked to her, her stepmom is still nursing a grudge over this petty thing.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:58 AM FlagI don't think it is that petty -- and I am mother to an only child (daughter) who has a stepmom. listen, my kid has a relationship with her stepmom -- this is important to this stepmom -- they should have a conversation and at least try to work it out. i doubt it will take more than 5-10 minutes.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:04 AM Flag
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Hi, another step-mom here. I think you are right to have DH handle it and also right that it wasn't nice. I'd also suggest to your DH that he talk to her about how she can express emotions. Tell her that if she is angry at you (the step-mom) or him or just at how her family is that she can tell an adult about it. But to please not take her anger out on her half brother, that he loves her more than anything and looks up to her (he does right? I have a 3 year old too and she thinks my step-son is perfection in human form) and that is a great honor. That the way the family is is because of the adults, not the little kids.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:06 AM FlagI think you should take the long view and laugh. i know you're in the midst of it and it seems really big and important but think about it: it's santa claus. older kids will always tell younger kids things that they know. it makes them feel good about themselves, imparting "big kid knowledge." your need "to protect my son" is something for YOU to come to terms with. you can't change your world-- you have a step daughter. who doesn't want to be lectured about make-believe.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:14 AM FlagI'm so sorry this happened OP. You must be so disappointed! Having said that, I don't think any good can come of a conversation with you and SD while you're frustrated. I think DH should talk with her, but more as a discovery mission to find out what's going on with her, rather than as a "talking-to" kind of conversation. And then you should talk with DS about Santa - that myth is over for him, but you can talk with him about the joy of believing, etc.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:17 AM FlagFrankly, OP, you don't sound like a good stepparent. You choose to interpret this event in the way that is most unflattering to your SD. She told your son something truthful and was probably happy to share her superior knowledge with her little brother, but you see it as her being mean. Of course she rolled her eyes when her father spoke to her - he was telling her the opposite of the usual lesson (i.e., in this case lying is not only okay but morally correct and we're mad at you for failing to support our lie) and she was probably embarrassed about doing something she was later told was wrong. I think you would be more understanding if your child were the one to tell someone else. You should worry a little less about therapy for her and a little more about therapy for you.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:37 AM Flag-
Or she is a mean 9 y.o with complex feelings towards the little brother and decide to screw him. You are not in step family situation. This is common and understandable to certain point
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:21 AM FlagI think this is insane. What happened here could have happened in thousands of families with 2 siblings at different stage of development. There is nothing necessarily complex about this situation, it could have happened between any siblings 6 years apart. Now blowing this out of proportion may just create the perfect environment for the development of these complex feelings. BTW, there is plenty of "special" things that can be done to celebrate Christmas that do not involve Santa.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:51 AM Flag
Spoken like a first wife--if I was OP and my bio kid did what her stepdaughter did--I would interpret it the same damn way: utter complete meanness. I remember at 9, I knew not to spoil it for my younger sibling. The girl is young but she's not retarded.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:45 AM FlagSo when your child eventually tells another kid at school (which they all do - it's juicy information) and the other child's parent calls you to complain, you plan to yell at your child and put coal in his/her stocking, the way some have suggested here (in the original thread)? I know UB is composed mostly of mothers of babies and infants, but a lot of you seem way too invested in keeping your children ignorant and extraordinarily un-understanding of slightly older kids.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:58 AM Flagschool children are the same age, it is not 3 y.o. The sibling basically destroyed any chance of this kid ever had a Santa Claus. That is MEAN.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:30 AM FlagYOU ARE PROJECTING. It doesn't sound like the 3yo is upset, it sounds like the stepmother is upset. All kids learn the truth eventually and most are proud of that knowledge as it makes them feel like "big kids." Christmas is plenty of fun after Santa goes away. We still do stockings and my youngest sibling is 25 and my db is too small to care (and wasn't around last year or any of the years before that). You have no reason to infer malicious intent here. None.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:41 AM Flag
you are mad at her because she told him the truth? o puleeeez.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:48 AM FlagI think this is one of those things where everyone loses. I think it was really bratty of her to tell your little guy that there is no such thing as Santa Clause...can come up with lots of reasons why she might have done this and none of them are really good. Three is a sweet age, temper tantrums aside, for the Christmas experience, and I am sorry for your little guy that this was revealed to him so early on. Maybe you can say, as we sort of do in our family, at least insofar as the giving of gifts from extended family, that santa gives some gifts and family members do to? Nine is the age where kids get really mean and unfortunately, she was mean to her little brother. The eye rolling and her saying that she doesnt care sort of goes with the territory for that age...but in some ways does not speak well of the days to come. Can I ask what her relationship is generally like with your son? Who does she live with?
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:07 AM FlagThe stepdaughter is jealous. Tell your 3 yr old that in your house, you believe in Santa. Tell the 9 year old that she can believe or not believe but she follows your rules in your house.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:10 AM FlagI would love to hear the responses to a slightly different post: "WWYD: my daughter came home quiet and withdrawn from her father's house the other day. She said she told her 3yo half brother the truth about Santa Claus and her stepmother got upset and had my ex reprimand her. She was just sharing something she had learned with the 3yo, but after being yelled at she says she doesn't even want to see them for Christmas. Should I make her go?"
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:36 AM FlagMy response would be this: Your DD was wrong to tell her brother this. Family is not optional. She should be taught that she can't ruin things for her half-brother.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:45 AM FlagThe OP keeps posting to herself here. Just ignore, she doesn't want to learn better.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:49 AM Flag"doesn't want to learn better?" sounds like you need some classes to learn better english.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:56 AM FlagI'm the OP. Why in the world would I post advice to myself? If you think I'm doing that, why don't YOU ignore the post. Goodness, people are so strange.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:58 AM FlagBecause I find it difficult to believe that there is an army of NY women who feel that the stepdaughter is a "mean" girl because she told her little brother about Santa.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:01 AM FlagNP. ITA. I suspect it's all about them, too. It makes them feel good to create the fantasy and they don't want their kids to grow out of it. Most kids are not upset when they learn the truth.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:07 AM Flagi dont remember when i stopped believing in santa clause, might have been when i was 8...however, my own mother was part of the plot to end my belief, particularly since she that year she left the wrapped presents with our names on it in plain view on a chair.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 11:12 AM Flag
My response would be: Your DD should go. Tell her: "Telling [insert 3 year old's name] was a bad choice. Family members get upset with each other at times, but family isn't option, which is how people get over being upset. Your dad, stepmom and brother love you very much and spending holiday time with them is important."
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 10:51 AM Flagoh come on..kids at age 9 know when they are doing something to share knowledge/teach and when they are s
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 09:36 PM FlagYou all don't give 9 year olds enough credit. You really think she was just "sharing something she had learned". My 9 year old is not an idiot. She would KNOW she was spoiling the surprise for a 3 yo. If she told him about Santa she would KNOW she was doing something wrong. My guess is OP's 9 yo is not a complete idiot either.
[ Reply | More ]11.29.11, 03:35 AM Flag
Get a grip. It's only Santa. It's all very silly. If the SD disobeyed her father's explicit instruction, then your dh should discipline her. But if nobody told her not to do this, then she broke no rule. Protecting your son from learning that there is no Santa makes you sound like a crazy martyr.
[ Reply | More ]11.28.11, 08:47 PM FlagSanta doesn't exist. You can't punish a child for telling the truth. Siblings talk, and it's a good thing. It really does not sound malicious at all. Just tell her to not talk to him about sex until he's at least 8 years old (or whenever you decide is right).
[ Reply | More ]11.29.11, 07:55 AM FlagHEY OP... NP here... If this is your biggest problem in life, be glad. Read the newspaper or think about your precious DS being with a step mom in a few years. Cheer up. Most children on the planet don't get visited by Santa anyway.
[ Reply | More ]11.29.11, 10:42 AM Flag
[+] Hi, our family lives in Bergen Country in NJ. We are applying for NYC private school... 16 replies
- , they always are. i just think the mom realizes she has to pick up one child an doesn't want to stick arudn 3 hours fro the second....
- and I think the commute can be fairly long with traffic. You will most likely have to drive because she will probably be the only child coming from NJ....
- You are paying all those NJ property taxes and then sending your child elsewhere for school? That's carazzzay....
Talk : : November 27, 2011
Hi, our family lives in Bergen Country in NJ. We are applying for NYC private school kindergarten for our dd. Are there others here on UB who have children that attend private school in NYC and live in NJ - how do people find the transportation mechanics to NYC? Is the school commute "doable"? Should we move to NYC? Thanks.
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.27.11, 02:11 PM Flag ]Why would you want to do that to yourselves now and stick your dd with a long commute forever?
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 02:13 PM FlagBergen is to UWS as Manhattan is to Hill Schools in commute time.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 02:18 PM FlagI live in BC and commute to the city by public transportation every day. 1 hr 15 minutes in the morning and 1.5 - 1.75 hrs in the evening. It isn't an easy publica transportation commute. It can be better if you drive and don't travel in the middle of rush hour. I've made it back home from Wall Street in 45 minutes, if driving. But then again, it could take 1.5 hrs too. It's very unpredictable.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 03:19 PM Flag
It is a long commute through rush hour traffic, I wouldn't do this to such a little kid. Just go with Dwight Englewood or MKA depending on where you live.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 02:17 PM FlagBergen County has some great school systems. I had a few friends who went to Hill schools for high school and grew up in Bergen County, but it's not that common.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 02:18 PM FlagWhere in BC? The public schools are better than any NYC privates in many places. There are some good privates as well. When we moved out of the city, I went to Catholic for a year and transferred to public - public was sooo much more competitive and academically more advanced.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 02:31 PM Flagwe have a couple of families in our school from jersey and one from v. north in the bronx. i don't think it's easy, but they find a way. i do know, for example, that friday afternoon birthday prties are out, as an example. there are tradeoffs. but i'm sure you're aware
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 03:24 PM FlagI am also applying to schools in NYC...I live in Jersey City. Unlike Bergen County the public schools are not that reputable. We are in downtown...so the commute is not that onerous. However also applying to some schools in Bergen County too. Hoping for a bus system. However I think the commute will be easier to NY versus Bergen..and given I work downtown...dont really want to move to Bergen. I know some of my DS friends from his preschool moved there last year. We are just a bit reluctant to do the same. Will consider NYC first.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 05:20 PM FlagSocially this will be very hard on your DD. No one will come to your house for playdates so you will be at the mercy of the other moms to invite your child. My husbands whole family live in bergen county and I think the commute can be fairly long with traffic. You will most likely have to drive because she will probably be the only child coming from NJ.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 06:37 PM FlagYou are paying all those NJ property taxes and then sending your child elsewhere for school? That's carazzzay.
[ Reply | More ]11.27.11, 07:11 PM Flag
[+] any suggestions for day camps for 3 YO in NYC next summer? DS is only child and we w... 5 replies
Talk : : November 26, 2011
any suggestions for day camps for 3 YO in NYC next summer? DS is only child and we want him to have lots of year-round face time with other kids. Not really concerned with gaining intellectual skills, just with keeping him socialized and having fun. Thanks.
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.26.11, 02:43 PM Flag ]
[+] What are you secretly ashamed/embarassed of? Me: only have one DC and feel chronicall... 21 replies
- (like me) who are not cut out for 24x7 child rearing. My BFF is and I totally love her...
- Don't feel bad. I have 1 child and I used to feel guilty about it but...many and still loves most of them. But he only takes his shirt off when he thinks people will...
- Frankly, no, I don't. I am an only child and never felt like I am missing...relationship they'll have. My mother is an only and grew up very close to her cousin,...
Talk : : November 23, 2011
What are you secretly ashamed/embarassed of? Me: only have one DC and feel chronically catatonic and overwhelmed.
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.23.11, 09:43 AM Flag ]Secretly ashamed that as a sophisticated, city mom who "knows better", I love the Insane Clown Posse. They won me over with their stupidity. I can't get enough.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 09:48 AM FlagI have one DC and I don't feel overwhelmed but I do feel like I like my life the way it is.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 09:59 AM Flagop: I'm getting the hang of it, it's defintely better. He's 3, and by the end of a weekend alone with him I'm honestly fried. I suck.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 10:01 AM FlagDS is 3 too. And I would probably be fried if I spent an entire weekend alone with him. You do not suck. I think there are some women (like me) who are not cut out for 24x7 child rearing. My BFF is and I totally love her.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 10:04 AM Flagop: thanks for this. Do you feel guilty? I feel guilty. I think DS would be great with a new baby, and there are so many positive sides to having a sibling. I feel awful that it's because I'm not cut out that he won't have one.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 10:13 AM FlagFrankly, no, I don't. I am an only child and never felt like I am missing anything. DH has a sister but they're not close at all. I'm sure I'd feel differently if DH had close sibling relationships. But as it stands right now I don't see any benefits personally (and I mean personally, many friends have great sibs). And I just don't have the patience for children.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 10:21 AM Flagdon't fell guilty, I have 2 but it's really more difficult and I don't know the relationship they'll have. My mother is an only and grew up very close to her cousin, they have really great relationship. my father and his sister are close but the relationship is strained by constant fight over money, land, unequal treatment of grandchildren. Do whatever you feel works for you, your D wil be happy too.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 10:25 AM Flag
[+] Spinoff: To the ones who would readily give up a dog of theirs: How likely are you to... 48 replies
- Well, I am an only child and now my parents are both dead. And...This is not an option of you are an only child and your parents are divorced....
- were very lucky with our circumstance we're not only very close, but we all live in the same...
- I gave up a dog readily. But only after it bit a family member, rather seriously...would be in the same category as a child or parents is absurd to me, so this...
Talk : : November 23, 2011
Spinoff: To the ones who would readily give up a dog of theirs: How likely are you to put your parent(s) in a nursing home?
48 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.23.11, 08:21 AM Flag ]You know, this cuts a little to close to home. Until you have an elderly parent to care for, you do not know what you will do.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:24 AM FlagI wouldn't give up a dog unless he/she was a biter. I'd see to it that my mother lived in a nice nursing home (she's got plenty of money, so lots of options), but there's no way in hell I'll ever have her live with me (for starters, we live in different countries, but besides that, she'd drive me insane).
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:25 AM FlagI would do it in a heartbeat. There are all types of assisted living. My mother suffers from schizophrenia and it's not something that I can deal with on my own. There is a fantastic assisted living facility in N.FL and she loves it there.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:25 AM FlagHow many people do you know who have their elderly parents under the same roof at them?
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:29 AM FlagOP: Several actually. And none of them gave up a dog that they had adopted/bought.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:31 AM Flagnp My grandmother HAD to let my great grandmother live with her under the terms of a family trust. She was allowed to have any home she chose and have all maintenance, renos and taxes paid--with the condition her mother was allowed to live with her. He mother married into the money, but she and my great grandfather were divorced (which was pretty scandalous in the 40s), so he moved away and she was known as a widow. And she lived with my grandmother for years. Somehow, for the last two years of her life, she did end up in a nursing home--but it was an auxiliary hospital, so I think my grandmother was able to convince the trustee that she needed medical care. She was really mean and drove my grandmother (who was also divorced in the 40s) and mother crazy for decades, fwiw.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:35 AM Flag
I won't give up my dog and I certainly would never put my parents in a home. It's just not what we do.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:29 AM Flagnp - sadly, personal responsibility like you seem to have is in short supply these days!
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:34 AM FlagFamilies are different. I didn't realize that I'm in the minority when it comes to family - we have a large and crazy family -but we're all very close and love each other. Most people don't have this. I don't think it's wrong for someone else to put their parents in a home or assisted living facility - just not what we do. Maybe it's a cultural thing... We just went through 9 months of my grandfather dying. All of us took shifts sleeping over, cooking, cleaning. We had hospice and a nurse during the days and we all covered evenings a nights. Not a fun thing to do- but part of life.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:45 AM FlagMust be nice to have a big family. This is not an option of you are an only child and your parents are divorced.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:47 AM Flag-
We did this exact same thing with my mom and it was an amazing experience--lots of sad times, but also lots of laughs too and it brought us all even closer. But I recognize that not every family can do this--we were very lucky with our circumstance we're not only very close, but we all live in the same city; two of us have pretty flexible jobs; we had great hospice nurses, etc. I wouldn't be quick to judge someone for putting a parent in a nursing home. My mom was sweet and easy to the end, not in tremendous pain, not sufring from dementia, etc. I've also, btw, adopted many animals over the years (have never had a pet not from a shelter) but have rehomed two dogs for different reasons. Both found wonderful homes where they were loved and cared for. I just think there are way too many shades of gray here to get all judgey about people's circumstances.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 09:03 AM Flag
nnp: Personal responsibility involves putting one's parents wherever one's parents will be safe, healthy, and receive the best care. That's not always in the home, unless you're so wealthy you can hire a complete full-time nursing staff. In which case, good for you, but that's not the financial reality for many families. They make the best decision they can with the resources they have.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 02:38 PM Flag
I would never have a dog. I would do what I thought was best for a parent, which for a 90 old with dementia, would likely mean a nursing home.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:44 AM FlagI gave up a dog readily. But only after it bit a family member, rather seriously and basically unprovoked. I found it a new home with a retired couple who owned a farm outside the city and knew about the biting issue. No regrets. I didn't trust it around my newly crawling baby. Personally, though, I never really felt like my dog was a "member of the family." I felt more like it was a slave I owned that secretly hated me but felt it had to be nice to me because I fed it. I think people who say dogs feel "unconditional love" are kidding themselves. But maybe it depends on the dog. Mine was an adopted shelter pet who'd probably had abuse issues in the past, and even though we never hit it, I don't think it ever really trusted us. But maybe it was me, who knows. And yes, I'd put a parent in a nursing home if I felt they were safer there.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 02:35 PM FlagI've never owned a dog and I don't think I ever will because I don't really want one. And I'd put my parents in a nursing home if I think they'd be healthier and happier in one but I'd find as nice a one as I could get and help pay for it if needed. FWIW my parents have made it clear that they want to be in a nursing home when they need one. My grandparents resisted it for a long time, but once they moved into one they were a lot happier.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 02:55 PM Flagthis post actually makes me sick to my stomach. that someone would actually compare "family members" like PARENTS to their ANIMAL? in terms of which they would get rid of?! Dogs are a bit higher on my list of household objects than fish. which are just above my houseplants on the totem pole of living beings in our home. no, I would never put my parents in a nursing home, ever. I would get rid of a pet in a split second if that was better for the HUMAN members of my family. just like I would get rid of my plant, if that worked better for the humans around. WTF kind of question is this. do you buy your dogs clothing too?
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 03:01 PM FlagDon't have a pet. Never had a pet. The idea that a pet would be in the same category as a child or parents is absurd to me, so this comparison makes no sense. Sure I'd give up a dog. No, I would not put parents in a nursing home. How these two things are related is beyond me.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 08:01 PM Flag
[+] I am sure this has been asked before, but here goes. My son got a very high score on ... 24 replies
- variables. He actually is extremely even tempered, talkative, and cheerful - loves adults (he's an only child and I am a single mom) and gets on very well with kids his age generally. So far he has loved all the...
- UGH, this Speyer spam is painful this year. Just looked at the website. It only goes to fourth grade, and the website has typos galore. Not so "special/gifted"...
Talk : : November 22, 2011
I am sure this has been asked before, but here goes. My son got a very high score on the Stanford Binet (scaled for Hunter) test; only say 2-3 at or above on the UB site. I am confident he'll go to Round 2 - unless the score is raised to 160! In any case, my question is what to do with him if he doesn't get in, which is likely, given the odds. He is too young for private school (he's still 3) so that's out. Any suggestions, advice? All greatly appreciated!
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.22.11, 02:27 PM Flag ]If he's a calm boy with no hyperactivity or even a breath of behaviorial issues, you may have a decent shot at Hunter. Good Luck. If it doesn't work out, put him in real K - G&T or gen ed. If it's a G&T, you might want to stay there. Unfortunately, you won't have sufficient information to decide how much you like it before private school K applications are due for 2012-2013. And repeating K for $40,000 does stink.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 02:54 PM FlagYes, exactly. That's the dilemma. It is so frustrating to have all these ...variables. He actually is extremely even tempered, talkative, and cheerful - loves adults (he's an only child and I am a single mom) and gets on very well with kids his age generally. So far he has loved all the "playdates" we have had at various schools. I did a couple just to see what it was all about -- he usually wants to go back to the "mysterious" school, so I guess that's all good.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 04:32 PM Flag
I was in a similar situation last year, and my dd (not yet 5) is in our very well regarded general ed public school. I was given a lot of reassurance by other families who's kids also made second round for Hunter and are in the same general Ed school- There is plenty of opportunity for your kid to be engaged in a good general ed classroom and you can engage/enrich at home.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 03:21 PM FlagI am doing a lot at home, and he is in the Science and Nature Class at AMNH, and also instrumental (Suzuki) lessons. We are zoned for the worst public schools in the city, so that is completely out of the question. Everything else (besides private pre-Ks) seems to be luck/lottery based.
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 02:00 PM Flag-
[+] For those of you who are "very close" to your mothers, can you share what makes you t... 18 replies
- I'm an only child - my father worked a lot when I was young (he was a...our advocate and biggest fan. She never preferred one child over the other and celebrated our strengths and...knew I would succeed. I was also her only child and didn't get married until I...nature is the love between a mother and child, fathers leave their kids, after marriage brothers hardly...
- As a child - Unconditional love...
Talk : : November 21, 2011
For those of you who are "very close" to your mothers, can you share what makes you think/feel that way? I have a very up and down relationship with mine. I have spent many years in therapy dealing with issues that I believe go back to her (or, at least our relationship), and now that I have a young dd, want to "stop the cycle" and know what it takes to that kind of closeness that people speak about. TIA.
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.21.11, 03:35 PM Flag ]I'm an only child - my father worked a lot when I was young (he was a MD building a private practice) and my mother and I spent a lot of time together (we'd go places, just the two of us, when he was working). Now, we both live in NYC, a few blocks apart, and there is some overlap in our professional lives (so we have a lot of the same experiences, go to the same places, etc.). We see each other 2x/month and speak on the phone 1x/week. She's someone that I turn to for advice (parenting, some work situations, some life stuff - though I don't tell her everything (and I rarely share marriage stuff with her - i.e., I'd never call her after a disagreement w/DH).
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:49 PM FlagMy Mom is incredible. We always knew she loved us. She was super interested in what went on at school, helped us with homework if needed, encouraged us to try out for things, try sports, always went to our games and performances, teachers' conferences, really talked with us and listed to us, encouraged me to be close with siblings, treated us equal but differently depending on our interests, was definitely a parent and set limits. Was also a great wife to our Dad and good to her inlaws and family. Volunteered, took us to church, played with us. I still call her every day. I could not have a better mother. I hope I can be half as wonderful to my dcs.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:49 PM Flagop: thank you for writing this. This is very helpful. Everything you listed here in the negative is what my mother was, which is probably why I've had issues. Sometimes I've felt that I desired too much or am aspiring for too much. I hope it's not and this is encouraging. Thank you.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 04:34 PM Flag
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op: I want concrete, real life examples to help me out, just to see what people's experiences have been.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 04:32 PM Flagnp: Biggest thing is to listen to your children and respect their opinions and emotions. Be patient and try not to be wrapped up in yourself. Take a step back and let them be independent. Don't look at them as an extension of yourself and caught up is what you think they should do. They are individuals.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 05:11 AM Flag
My mom is not perfect and there are lots of things I am trying to do differently but we are close even tho we are continents apart physically. I guess she was always 'there', could always talk to her, and even tho she threatened me with physical violence if I had sex when i was a teenager, I somehow knew that I could count on her should I have ever been in a tough situation. I guess bottom line, I knew she loved us.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:53 PM FlagMy mom and I are very close, and I'm very close with my dds. She was always devoted to us and was our advocate and biggest fan. She never preferred one child over the other and celebrated our strengths and differences. She had a difficult relationship with her own mother and didn't want to make the same mistakes.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:58 PM FlagI think if you aim for closeness, it will backfire. Aim for a good relationship, respect, etc... and I believe the closeness will come.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 04:00 PM FlagMy mom has always been constant, never up and down like what you're talking about. She has always been there, always there if I need help, just a source of unconditional love. Fun to be with, encouraging, thoughtful. Maybe she hasn't been a perfect mom--none of us are perfect, after all--but I couldn't ask for a better mom.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 05:01 PM FlagMy mom has lived a plane ride away since I moved out of the house, so that may contribute to the good relationship. We have had some minor ups and downs BUT I think one of the reasons that I feel so close to her is that she has always supported me unconditionally. She supported me financially when I took one non-profit and another volunteer job out of college (she was then a single mom b/c dad had died when I was a teenager) and made me feel like she always knew I would succeed. I was also her only child and didn't get married until I was 36 and always felt that that my mom was proud of me and that seeing me married and having grandchildren was just not a big deal for her. She was always the best and most thoughtful gift-giver to my cousins kids, so I knew she really was looking forward to it but only ever made me feel like she just wanted the best for me - full stop.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 05:33 PM FlagMy mom is a very loving person, genuinely cares about her kids success and doesn't hold grudges. she never has sarcastic comments like some moms. She is very direct (I CANT BELIEVE YOU FAILED THAT EXAM!) but i actually like this approach a lot better than my dad who is a lot more diplomatic ("you are so intelligent and not living up to your potential, i just want to see you do your best..*barf*). She will squish us on the couch, make us dinner, but also get us to hang up all the clothes on the line. My mom can be borderline overbearing too, she directly caused my engagement with the love of my life to break up. He remarried and i feel a lot of pain for that. But at the end of the day, I know i can't break up his marriage now and no matter what, my mom is my mom for life. it hurts me she did this but when i think of all the people in the world, i know that still, none of them can love me as much as her. So a part of a good relationship is being a good mom, but the other half is also the attitude of your child. I know I could easily cut off my mom and i would have a legitimate reason to do so, but i guess since i grew up always hearing about how "friends are temporary, family is forever"..."the strongest love in nature is the love between a mother and child, fathers leave their kids, after marriage brothers hardly talk to sisters, but mothers rarely abandon their children."
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 12:16 AM FlagAs a child - Unconditional love...I always felt she would love me no matter what. She was my biggest cheerleader in all events in my life, but also was straightforward when she didn't agree . No head games, no guessing about what she felt or thought. As an adult - my mother was interested in my opinion as I was in hers. We didn't always agree, but we could mutually accept that as needed. In short, I always felt I could count on her and she on me (and my brother too, by the way). She also unpacked my kitchen both times I moved (I was travelling for work)!!! Huge!!
[ Reply | More ]11.23.11, 06:44 AM Flag
[+] what decision have you made in your life that you are happy you made but that UBers w... 243 replies
- bum when they've repeatedly misbehaved, private school, only 2 presents for Christmas....
- I only recently finished the PhD and am wrapping up...
- I have an only child...
- I only applied to one preschool....
- your foot inthe door, mental stimulation, break from child rearing), but if you don't need the...
Talk : : November 21, 2011
what decision have you made in your life that you are happy you made but that UBers would be horrified at/flame you about?
243 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.21.11, 08:38 AM Flag ]-
+2! DH and I met before it was the norm, and I'm happy he's not even aware it's part of what women routine do, so no flak from him.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:06 AM FlagYeah, I'm definitely horrified at that...like not ANY landscaping at all?? How long does the hair grow? I don't think a person needs brazilians but i think it's good to trim both armpit and pubic hair. In my religion, it's required to trim the hair in those regions for both men and women so i've never even grown that area out in my life..even tho im not religious at all, it's just a cultural habit.
[ Reply | More ]11.26.11, 12:10 AM Flag
sold the share of the plane and the two Bentleys last year.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:40 AM Flag-
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Daycare, Public School and marrying a high achieving, low paid man.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:50 AM FlagI returned to work full-time when DB was three months old, so I WOH full-time now (5 days a week, 8+ hours per day) and I don't NEED to work. In some circles, this is flame-worthy.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:51 AM Flag-
I don't get this. I understand continuing part time even if not necessary(keep your foot inthe door, mental stimulation, break from child rearing), but if you don't need the money, and choose to have another person w your baby most of their waking hours, why not just pass on having kids?
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 02:41 PM FlagI can't understand this argument. Do you consider your kids to be some form of entertainment to you? That's like saying "why get married if you are going to work full-time and only see each other on nights and weekends"
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 06:06 PM FlagRediculous comparison. A husband and wife are not fully dependent, newly formed humans. Babies are sponges, requiring extra ordinary amounts of love and attention. Why outsource this to a stranger who has different values and often a sub par education if not a financial necessity.
[ Reply | More ]11.25.11, 08:21 PM Flag
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I married DH straight out of college and have never held a job in my life.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:56 AM Flag-
aaaaaaaaand this is where intrusive MILs without lives of their own come from....
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:01 AM FlagI have my own life. It's pretty myopic to think that having a job is what makes your life.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:02 AM Flag
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BA - Economics, MA - Cultural Anthropology, PhD - Fine Arts.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:31 AM Flaglmao! holy shit, no wonder you stayed home! What the hell did you think you would do with a PhD in "Fine Arts"?
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:33 AM FlagI only recently finished the PhD and am wrapping up a practicum in art conservation. We simply have a difference in worldview. I do not view an education as a commodity that you trade for a salary. I didn't attend trad school. I don't send my children to college with the hopes that they "do" something with their majors.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:42 AM Flag-
I didn't grow up rich and this was the worldview that my parents instilled in me.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:47 AM FlagBut you're rich now. There's no way that you could afford to do a master's and a PhD if you didn't have money to live on.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:52 AM Flag
np I'm poor and feel the same way about school. I studied what I loved. It's fine to go for purely practical reasons too. But I wanted to learn about something I was passionate about. Not saying my way is better, but you don't have to be rich to feel this way.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 04:41 AM Flag
^^Also, my DH has a BA in Philosophy. He's not a "professional philosopher." People typically don't "do" what they studied in college.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:43 AM Flag
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Happy for you, being a professional student is an enviable life. Many women on here who technically have jobs don't know much about working either. Working for "stimulation", or to finance designer shoes, isn't the same as working for a living and paying your own bills. It's dress up.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 04:54 AM Flag
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i have a 2 month old and i am trying very hard to get back into shape - apparently it makes me unfit to be a mother and will without a doubt make my dds anorexic.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:57 AM Flag??? are you sure you are talking about UB here? UBers love mommies who get back into shape super fast
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 08:58 AM Flagi am positive. i got flamed to high heaven that i was not spending all of my tie gazing at my child. someone told me that i was unfit to be a mother. i was so shocked. All i wanted to know was if it was ok to walk with a baby strapped to you after a c-section at 6 weeks - as i really wanted to get back in shape.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:02 AM Flag
There was this crazy poster over the weekend who was flaming this woman because she was skipping dinner as she had an enormous lunch. She kept telling her that she was going to give her DD an eating disorder. The poster told her that her DD wasn't even aware that she skipped dinner, but the other woman wouldn't let it go and told her that her daughter notices EVERYTHING she eats and will even instruct her on its nutritional value.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:01 AM Flag
I discipline my step-children and are very involved in their lives.
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I don't overstep their mom, but when they are in our home, I am an authority figure that they respect in the way that they respect their DH, or a teacher, etc. I don't walk on eggshells around them like I have seen other posters doing. Their mom does not expect anything else! I also happen to care about them and want them to grow up to be happy and succesful adults, so I help guide them the way I would help any young child that I spent time with.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:19 AM FlagWow, that is awesome that this situation has worked out for you. You guys sound like great parents. I hope you realize that not everyone has such as understanding first wife though.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:22 AM FlagI agree, she is great. But I also have to note that DH has a lot to do with it. He is old school in that he believes that children should respect adults and would have serious issues if the kids were disrespectful toward me or if they misbehaved in our home. I am shocked to see how many fathers on this board do not seem to discipline their own children, and therefore it becomes impossible for the step-mother to do so as well.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:28 AM Flag
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oh, so many. extended bf,no sleep training, public school and WOHM by choice, and i wear hose.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:04 AM Flag-
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To start, I wear hose and think they're great--don't need to know more about that. Would love to know more about extending bf while WOH and no sleep training. I'm a WOHM with an 8 mo db--bfing (and pumping), no sleeping training thus far but db wakes up and eats 3 times per night...
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:16 AM Flag
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I married a man who thrives on having an equal partnership. He does 50% or more of the household tasks, including childcare, without being asked.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:15 AM FlagDoes he ride a unicorn to work and does he have a single brother?
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:28 AM Flagnp: My DH works PT in the evenings so he can take care of DS during the day. He does all the family laundry, cleans half the time (though we're not fanatics), and is as good or a better "mom" than me. He also does all the traditionally manly things around the house and is a mechanic. And he loves his mother.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:51 AM Flag
UB would flame my whole lifestyle. SAHM, breastfed to 17mo, DCs very close in age, co-slept, language tutor, full day preschool even when I SAH, WOHM by choice, lots of TV for the toddlers, Chick Filet 2-3x a month, donuts for breakfast, Swatted my toddlers on the bum when they've repeatedly misbehaved, private school, only 2 presents for Christmas.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 09:29 AM Flag-
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We are comfortably in "the 1%" so can afford to have a second child in New York, but have chosen to have only one for both career and personal reasons.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 10:21 AM FlagI will encourage my DCs to go to a state college, unless they have a very specific passion that requires a major at a private university as well as a very clear plan on how to achieve this.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 10:24 AM Flag-
Single mom. Currently sending 3 dc to TT SS schools and no regrets. (Well, one.) Had trouble breast-feeding and finally gave up. No waxing, ever. Lots of ordering in for dinner, not every night but often. Am horrified at some of the things I see on UB but get sucked in anyway. I love RHOBH. Don't watch RH of Atlanta. Whatever that means.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 10:47 AM Flag-
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I have decided Dalton has taken the diversity thing too far.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 02:22 PM FlagI dont believe in sensory issues. as in- these are helicopter parents coddling their kids. there were no sensory issues when we grew up in the 80s. they didnt suddenly come alive. I dont believe in socialized health care, period. I have a nanny, we pay her cash, she is from guatemala. we treat her like a member of our family, but apparently by paying her cash, we are treating her like a slave (as per UB standards). we send our kids to same sex TT schools and are happy about it.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 02:40 PM FlagI'm the one from above who married the illegal laborer/non-green card holder. It was awesome back when he was paid cash, as illegal and non-pc as that is. He, in no way, felt like a slave, and we had a ton more money than when he started an office job after he got a green card. We sometimes joke that, if all things go to shit, he can always go hang out at a deli in the Bronx and get work! He' probably be paid very well since guys with a drivers license are in demand. (He now works in finance.)
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:01 PM FlagI dont care if its non-pc. im also a republican, so that probably makes me even more hated on this site. if she wanted us to directly deposit $ into her bank account, wed do so, as we did for our last nanny. we do what makes her happy. not my business how SHE pays her taxes.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:04 PM Flaggood for you. We did pay taxes on it (ok, most of it) actually because we needed to prove he was paying taxes and submit our returns to apply for his green card (ironic, I know.) Green card and permission to work is totally separate from the IRS! Filling as married was just one of the things we had to document to homeland security or whatever INS is called these days.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 03:08 PM Flag
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I made more $ than my husband when I decided to quit to stay home with our kids (he makes more now though). I'm continuing to send them to public school even though they've been identified as "gifted" and we could afford to send them to gifted private school if I went back to work. (They're happy at their school and our lives run more smoothly with me home.)
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 05:41 PM FlagIf I'm making something for dinner that I know my dd doesn't like, I'll make something else just for her.
[ Reply | More ]11.24.11, 11:46 AM FlagWas a party kid/wild child when i met my dh. Engaged at 22, married year and a half later, first dc right after i finished school at 25 (finished at 24), 2nd dc on the way at nearly 28. My DH truly is my best friend in the world. I love my life! Starting my own company in the next 6 months. Hope it goes well. I love my life
[ Reply | More ]11.24.11, 10:14 PM FlagI took back my college bf who cheated on me with his ex. Swallowing my pride worked - all is well 20 years and 3 kids later.
[ Reply | More ]11.25.11, 07:58 PM Flag-
I actually like the way I look as a size 4/6 better than when I was a size 2. I choose to enjoy my food and be happy vs. restrict some of my favorite things and be really skinny (I still think I'm plenty skinny as it is)
[ Reply | More ]11.26.11, 12:57 PM Flag
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[+] I have no control over my 10 yr old and 12 year old sons and their therapists are onl... 131 replies
- do too because you said yourself they are only helping marginally. Start consistently disciplining your children and...But you must really mean it. If you only kind of mean it, it's never going...to his teacher? Removing the door of a child who is defiant and disrespectful hardly qualifies as...tells his teachers that this happened, it will only be embarrassing for him, because then his teachers...sake!!! Also, I'm the mother of an only child, a girl, who's never given me...
Talk : : November 20, 2011
I have no control over my 10 yr old and 12 year old sons and their therapists are only helping marginally. The boys are in a very rigid and demanding TT school, and the only way i can get them to do their school work is to beg, bribe or threaten. My dh and i grew up wanting to please our parents and follow their rules. Our sons have no respect and will break our rules around electronics and will sometimes just say, "I refuse to do my homework." When I was a kid, I would have gotten a slap across the rear for a statement like that. But I know---and my sons know--that they will never get smacked on the rear. I take away the 12 year old's phone for a week or two, and I take away the 10 year old's xbox for 2 weeks, and it means nothing to them. That's why i had them start therapy. How do you discipline your children or get their attention?
131 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.20.11, 12:45 PM Flag ]-
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They are in therapy because of the acting out. They are not discipline problems at school, and they actually "show" fairly well in public, in that are respectful to strangers and polite to teachers and parents, but they run all over me, my dh, our nanny and anyone who "tells" them what to do. We had boundaries that they constantly pushed. I'm a midwesterner who never saw the need of all those New York City therapists i used to see in Woody Allen movies, but now I've turned to them because we can't discipline these kids in a way that anything sticks with them. They scream at us, and slam their doors and get up at night to eat junk food, use terrible language to each other and us, etc.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:51 PM FlagI am a "midwesterner" and still think the idea of "NYC therapists" for children is ridiculous and apparently you do too because you said yourself they are only helping marginally. Start consistently disciplining your children and they will start giving you as much respect as they give adults outside of your home.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:54 PM FlagI agree. I can't believe the shit people put their kids in therapy for. You fail as a parent to command respect from your kids, so you put them in therapy? How is this their problem? Shouldn't *you* be in therapy? And how does basically telling your children that you are so ineffectual that you are going to hand them over to a therapist help you get them to listen to you?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:06 PM Flag
Don't fight back. Ignore this behavior. The more you push, the more they will push. Remain calm. Quietly take away privileges and other activities. Supposed to go a friends house but fought with you first? Simply don't take them. No explanation. If they ask, calmly explain that since they were rude and disrespectful, they lost that privilege. Slam the doors? Take away electronics. And I would do it indefinitely. No bargaining about the time when they will get it back. When you decide they've earned it back they will get it back quietly, just like it was taken away. Take that deep breath and do everything in your power to remain calm (at least in front of them).
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:57 PM FlagSeriously. These boys know that mom is weak. Two weeks without the game boy doesn't phase them? The answer isn't to hand it back to them! My parents would have stripped my room bare save for a bed, desk and school books. I would have lived like a monk or prisoner until I got the grades up and started being responsible.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:01 PM Flag
Well it appears that all those years of "sparing the rod" have indeed "spoiled the child." Not much you can do now except take away privileges and let them fail in school. They'll get kicked out of their TT school, but such is life. It'll be an early yet valuable lesson about the consequences of their actions.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:48 PM FlagLet the school deal w the homework - I was in a demanding school and my parents never said anything to me abt homework. Maybe they are in the wrong school. Perhaps it is too demanding and ey are pushing back.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:50 PM FlagI hear what you are saying, but the school INSISTS that they are smart and are both strong in abstract thinking as well as memorized material. They are highly articulate, which further belies the terrible treatment they deal to us at home. But they are LAZY. They won't do anything that requires work. The school demands are not too much. They refuse to do the simplest of chores, or clean up their room. They drop food wrappers on the floor, refuse to take baths more than once a week, etc.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:54 PM FlagThen you sit back and LET THEM FAIL. You can't do their homework for them, and you can't force them. You're just going to have to let this play out. If they end up in public school, that's THEIR choice, not yours.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:56 PM FlagBrillant advice. Screw up your children thoroughly and then tell them they're on their own.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:00 PM FlagAre you KIDDING?! Learning that if you don't have responsibility you will fail -- and mommy & daddy won't protect you so you can do whatever you want -- is an important life lesson.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:30 PM Flag-
NP I don't agree -- if they "fail" now in school, it is a valuable lesson: "Oh, I have to work hard to do well." If their mom and dad push them and these kids never learn about the consequences of NOT doing well, they will really fail when it's time for college or the working world when their mom and dad are not there to help hold their hands
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 04:47 PM Flag
Call a family meeting. First I think you have to lay out the house rules/ expectations. Then explain the consequences. They must care about something. Whatever that is, take that privilege away for a week. Don't take it away for weeks and weeks and then cave. If you take the phone and they screw something else up then take away something else like xbox. Keep taking privileges away and get a storage unit if necessary. Do it until there is nothing in their rooms but furniture and the most basic of clothing. It is going to totally suck for you and DH, probably worse than it does for them, but you have to get hardcore.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 12:55 PM FlagI am really listening to your advice here, but do you really think I should just keep taking things? We are fairly well-off and I am aware that they are spoiled. Won't this end up seeming cruel if i take my 12 year old's phone, xbox, Wii, and computer games---and possibly even TV privileges? I am okay with doing this, but do you think it is too severe?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:09 PM Flagmaybe institute a point system where doing homework + good behavior = reward (favorite dinner, extra time on x-box, choosing a movie etc)
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:11 PM FlagOMG you need to get a grip. You want "severe"? How about their old man growing a set of balls and cracking them across the chops once in a while? Maybe even enough to loosen a tooth. Or about about not feeding them for a few days? Or locking them out of the house?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:13 PM FlagIt is time for severe. Well, actually, the time for severe was long ago - but don't be afraid of being cruel and severe.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:18 PM FlagYes, that is absolutely SEVER AND CRUEL. They will simply DIE if they don't have a ton of toy electronics that serve no purpose other than to entertain them. Maybe they will have to actually do homework! You'd better let them have all of their toys & just up the hours talking to a therapist. You are an idiot, and you created this mess. No one needs computer games, you have got to be joking.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:38 PM Flag
Yikes. I'm afraid my boys will end up like this. How were they as toddlers?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:05 PM FlagThey were fairly easy and loving toddlers. but I have to admit that they were generally quite lazy about doing anything to help themselves or the family. I have a fairly busy job as a surgeon and my dh is a very busy attorney, so we have always had two nannies who did EVERYTHING for them. We have had the same two loving nannies, and I am here for them Fri, Sat, Sun all day, but the boys have really been waited on.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:12 PM FlagThey have no respect for their nannies because they were never taught to have respect for them. If the nannies did everything for them why are you shocked that they think someone will pick up after them now? They were raised to expect that it's someone else's job to cater to them. And I bet they were never disciplined by the nannies because either you didn't want them to or because they were scared to discipline their charges. If you want them to stop acting like spoiled brats then you have to stop spoiling them. It's simple. They can have their nice things but only if they earn it. You and they have to come to an understanding as to what "earning it" means.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:18 PM FlagLOL -- as if OP herself understands the concept of "earning it".
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:21 PM FlagWell, that's true. It doesn't sound like the OP really wants to do any of the work to make her kids change. She just wants them to wake up and be better kids. She is pissed because she knows that they are not going to get into the school of her dreams for college unless she pays a lot to get them in (tutors to do their work for them, SAT prep, college counselors to tell them what extra curriculars will give them an edge, donations to schools...)
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:27 PM Flag
How did the nannies raise them, other than catering to their every need and not making them do anything for themselves? Can the nannies discipline them?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:20 PM FlagThe nannies gave them timeouts, and temporarily took some privileges but not much more than that. My husband and I took away privileges, and took away their stuffed sleeping animals (at age 4 and after) for two or three days, and we occasionally take away their electronics or TV
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:53 PM Flag
This is something I've observed a lot when I see nannies. I see a lot of hand feeding, coaxing, and bribery which makes perfect sense from the nanny's point of view, she wants to make things as easy on herself as possible and long term discipline is not really her concern. I always wondered whether that kind of early coddling would backfire in the long run.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:26 PM FlagI think the nannies are just doing what the parents wanted them to do. They wanted their children to be treated like princes and princesses and the nannies did just that. Now the parents want regular children who respect their parents... well, that doesn't just happen. But you can't blame the nannies; blame the parents.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:40 PM FlagOf course it's backfiring. The kids end up getting ZERO discipline. Zero from their nannies who are scared for their jobs, zero from their "mothers" who are too busy trying to validate themselves in the workplace, and zero from their fathers who usually don't give a shit either way.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:40 PM Flag
I'm dealing with this with my kids. They aren't rude, but the homework thing is driving me crazy. I have decided (this weekend, as a matter of fact) that I am not reminding them etc about homework. It is their work. If they don't do it, they'll suffer the consequences. (Hopefully this will work)
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:06 PM FlagI have 13 yr twin boys. If they behaved this way to me, they will be hauled up to their rooms and everything taken away before they can even say boo.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:15 PM Flag-
No. We both WOHM. We present a united front. DH and I agree on discipline rules. Have to be consistent and follow through. Do not threaten unless you can follow through else they will lose respect for you. HW and tests are their responsibilities. They know the consequences if they miss their HW deadlines and bad grades - no playdates, no toys, etc.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:23 PM Flag
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Congratulations to you and your husband for your stellar careers, but the reason both of you are successful is that you had better sets of parents than you two are. Time to decide if one or both of you are willing to take the job of parenting as seriously as you take your careers. First place to start is to fire their therapists (multiple ones??).
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 01:34 PM FlagI am the original poster, and let me first say that I grew up in public schools, so please don't flame me, but if my sons' laziness looks like it may soon cause me to move them out of their highpriced TT school, is it too dramatic for me to "scare them straight" by literally taking them on a tour of our nearby public school and tell them that if their laziness doesn't change, we will save our $38,000 per year per child and put them in the public school? Is that too silly and over the top, even though i'm serious?
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:22 PM FlagI don't think you should threaten them with public school. You may want to sit down and talk with them about how they don't seem to thrive in their current school and perhaps they should consider switching to a different school such as the local public school. As to saving $76K/yr of their parents' money, they could give a shit about that.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:29 PM FlagI think it's fine to show the options, maybe they would prefer it.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:30 PM FlagI am the pp who suggested "Call a family meeting... " and I don't think threats of public school are a great idea. It's too far off and they won't believe you'll really do it. Plus, you might not really do it if you thinking taking away their electronics is too cruel! I still advocate taking things until their rooms are stripped, they are carrying their stuff in a plastic grocery bag and wearing the most basic of clothing. When a kid doesn't appreciate what they have it doesn't matter if they have a mercedes or a clean T shirt. This is the problem you have to fix not the specific items.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:37 PM FlagThat's just stupid. They will probably laugh at you behind your back. H ha, mom's sooooooooooooo mad. Why can't you just approach this in a sraightforward manner? Why do you even care if they do their homework at 10 and 12. That's their responsibility. do you still treat them like babies? If you want them to go to public school, you don't threaten, you just send them there. You are the parent. Let me guess, you ask their opinions a lot instead of telling them what to do.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:42 PM Flag
Let your children fail. Do not get involved in their work. By begging, you set up a power struggle. They know it matters to you and are pushing your buttons. Do not get upset, just let them fail. They usually learn pretty quick when disciplined at school in public as opposed to at home in private. Also, lay down rules for when they are disrespectful and stick to them. Take all their electronics away. They can go read a book. And don't get angry and react. Do it in a matter of fact way.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:34 PM Flag-
Take everything out of their rooms but their clothes, books and bed. Everything. Take away all TV, computer access and gaming. They have to earn it back by behaving in the manner you'd like for much longer than 2 weeks. Also, no accepts to invitations from friends and no having friends over. Let go of the homework issue, it's their issue to deal with.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:36 PM FlagIt sounds like you and dh should be in therapy to learn how to parent properly than to send your kids there. This is more your problem than theirs.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 02:44 PM FlagWhat kind of relationship do they have with your dh? I know that sometimes with boys that age, they start acting out when they want their dad's attention. It seems like breaking the rules is getting them the kind of attention that obeying the rules probably wouldn't.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 03:13 PM FlagLet them fail. I suspect they can run roughshod over you because you are so invested in having be on the 'successful track'. Tell them that from now on, whether they do their homework is up to them, if they fail out they will go public (and btw, it's not the horror show you make it out to be) and their future is theirs to screw up. You will only make successes out of them if you let them fail NOW.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 03:27 PM FlagI've read this whole thread and all the pointless dumping on the WOHM, which seems off-base. My take is a little more subtle. The kids don't respect OP because she doesn't really trust herself to parent, perhaps because of relying too much on nannies to do discipline. And then the kids were spoiled by the nannies on top of that. It's not really just about laying down the law one time by being mean. The kids have to see that you WILL follow through, whatever that means -- that you trust in yourself as a parent -- and that you think school and politeness, etc are so important that you're willing to follow through to make them happen. Punishments should be quickly enacted and relevant to the infraction. ("If you don't do homework, you stay home all weekend and do it then, with me.") But you must really mean it. If you only kind of mean it, it's never going to work.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 05:01 PM FlagI 100% agree with the posters who have said 1) take off their bedroom doors. They can earn them back. and 2) strip their rooms completely, nothing but a bed, sheets, desk, and schoolbooks. They can earn everything else back as well. 3) homework is the school's concern, not yours.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 05:08 PM FlagIt's hard for me to tell from reading this whether all of the drama is focused around schoolwork and using electronics when they've been punished for not doing work but I think you need to consider that the schoolwork may be too hard for them. I'm not saying they don't need an attitude adjustment, they do - but I think that continuing this battle just to keep them in the tt is a waste of time. Let them flunk out, or just transfer them to a different school now. And take the electronics away permanently until they earn them back.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 05:19 PM FlagIt is 10:20pm and I'm the original poster. I followed the advice of many of you this evening. I took the kids out for pizza and had husband remove our son's bedroom doors while i was out with the kids. The last two hours have been filled with my 10 year old crying and my 12 year old calling us mean and even saying he was going to tell the teachers at school that we were being abusive for removing his door and taking away his privacy. I am standing firm, but i have to tell you that his threat of saying such a thing to teachers made me very upset. Wish me luck. You have all given me strength. I can do this,and i thank you.!
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 07:22 PM FlagGood for you for taking this step! Please continue to stand firm. If the boys are seeing a therapist, this therapist should be consulting with you and advising you on how to handle the boys, correct? Why worry about your son complaining to his teacher? Removing the door of a child who is defiant and disrespectful hardly qualifies as abuse. Conversely it shows that you care enough to take the steps to address this issue.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 09:07 PM Flag
(You won't like it, put it on me being a backwards foreigner) : I would sit them (with my DH), and lay the law one last time. Set the rules in written, have them sign the paper. Then announce the consequences. For me, it will be to strip them of ALL their stuff, beside clothes, definitely. They will have a chance to have ONE thing back after 1 month of perfect behaviour. The bulk of it would be sold/given, the other stuff stored, maybe forever.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 07:31 PM FlagThen, they will have all their things after one year of good behaviour. That includes even phones (their phone is their most priced possession, they can go without it for a week, but a month or a year will be devastating).
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 07:33 PM FlagWhen I say strip of all posessions, it's all : nothing except school books and basic furniture (no instrument, no cushions, nothing !) must remain. Hard but it works (my father once put all my stuff in a garbage bag, when I failed to clean up my room after a warning ; he only did it once). I'm sure if they are without phone/electronic toys for a few months, it will be enough to get them to behave (but don't let them have any other toys, therefore you should keep their room bare). They are not too bad if they behave at school ; I'm sure one month of this power struggle will be enough. Don't give in !
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 07:43 PM Flag
you need to empower the sweet nannies to punish or hire tutor/nannies instead or punish them yourself - you must be v bright if you are a surgeon, apply yourself, this is not rocket science. either figure out a way to spend more time with them or get them more appropriate caretakers.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 07:48 PM FlagThey are too busy with electronics and have no time for homework. You need to make everything else boring in order to make homework interesting. Take away everything from them. It is not cruel not hard and not severe. My mom used to lock our TV sometimes and it was the only thing we had electronic at home.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 08:11 PM FlagSure you treated YOUR parents with respect. But do you treat other people with respect and demand the same of your kids? Kids model what they see.
[ Reply | More ]11.20.11, 09:21 PM FlagOK -- I'd like to be a lone voice speaking to the OP here, telling her that maybe it's not all her fault. Can't believe how little compassion anyone here has for this woman. She's trying, for god's sake!!! Also, I'm the mother of an only child, a girl, who's never given me one bit of trouble and always been incredibly sweet and good. I know people wonder how I "did it" -- well, a lot of it was LUCK. OP just confirms what I think. Also, boys are tougher. Good luck, OP, and maybe you need better shrinks?
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 05:40 PM FlagBuy the book "Parenting Children with ADHD" and (if your children do not have ADHD) skip to Chapter 7, "You'll Get Lost Without a Lesson Plan." In this chapter, the author outlines two distinct plans for setting expectations, disciplining unwanted behavior, and rewarding positive behavior. The first plan is detailed and involves a points-for-privileges type of system. The second plan is a more basic plan that divides the day up into 4 parts. You have to meet your obligations before you can do anything fun that morning/afternoon/evening. Whichever plan works for you (and we recently have started implementing both) has got to be better than what's happening in your household now. If you're taking away things that mean nothing to them, then you have to find things that mean something to them (and a week or two is too long of a window, you need immediate consequences and the opportunity to earn back their privileges.) Read the book, it explains it much better and is the most common sense discipline advice I've seen in a while. GL to you and your family.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 06:31 PM Flaginstead of putting them in therapy individually, why don't you hire a marriage & family therapist or family social worker, and go all together as a family. behavior problems don't happen in a vacuum. you need to get your point across too and work out whatever you need to and they need to learn how to respect you as a human being.
[ Reply | More ]11.21.11, 06:32 PM FlagWe have a "behavior" person come in for our young son. She works with our whole family. Not sure if she works with children as old as yours. I like her a lot. www.danaskids.com. Check out her website. No I am not her.
[ Reply | More ]11.22.11, 08:29 AM Flag
Hang in there, OP! I like the start you've made--taking the door, etc. Now be tough and be consistent. Also--consider forgoing typical NY TT summer plans (no Hamptons or camp) and sending sons back to the Midwest for the summer. Do you have any relatives who can put them to work on a farm? Seriously...give them a taste of physical work and let them appreciate their cushy life in the city! And even though sons are the problem, be sure to make daughters part of the family conversations about behavior and expectations, etc. Don't pit boys against girls or vice versa. Also, with the holidays here, why not try to build a few family activities/outings around volunteer work. Sort food for food baskets, deliver a meal to a Habitat for Humanity crew (dc under 16 too young to build), collect toys for tots or something.
[ Reply | More ]11.24.11, 11:03 PM Flagwhy are you involved in their homework? i don't do anything about their hw, it's up to them...one of my kids didn't care for a while, i let him deal with the consequences at school. the idea of being the dumb kid repeating a year shocked him into doing it without me doing anything at all. at this age, kids don't want to listen to their parents. also, where is dad? dad really needs to back you on whatever you say and don't do any of this sissy stuff like "bob. can you PUHLEEZ do blablabla? THANKKK u." i see people do this ish all the time, sounds so artificial and annoying. my dad just straight up would BARK, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and just scare us into compliance. today's parents act too scared.
[ Reply | More ]11.26.11, 01:29 AM Flagfor starters you don't start worrying about it when they're 10 or 12..or just concerned they might be ousted from your status symbol school. sounds like they are a product of their environment. send them to outward bound to meet people with standards and values.
[ Reply | More ]11.26.11, 06:58 PM Flag
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[+] Have one DD and expecting DS in the spring; they will be 2 years apart. Obviously I k... 9 replies
- always had a nice relationship. It's one of the things that I really admire about DH. I'm an only child and don't have a point of reference. We have one DC at the moment, but do want more...
- OP: I am an only too and DH has a sister, but wish it was inspiring over...once my father died and again when my mother died. Now, we only have each other left in our original family. It's kind of a...
Talk : : November 19, 2011
Have one DD and expecting DS in the spring; they will be 2 years apart. Obviously I know ever relationship is different but curious for those with "one of each" (or those of you who have brothers) what the relationship is like?
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.19.11, 07:24 PM Flag ]-
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DH and his sister have always had a nice relationship. It's one of the things that I really admire about DH. I'm an only child and don't have a point of reference. We have one DC at the moment, but do want more...and I think we're both "inspired" by their (DH and his sister) history.
[ Reply | More ]11.19.11, 07:30 PM FlagI'm close w my brother. He lives across the street. We are 4 years apart. Shitty relationship until
[ Reply | More ]11.19.11, 07:35 PM FlagMy brother is 2 years older than me, but I was one grade behind him in school. We were very close growing up. We got in a lot of trouble together. Our poor parents had to deal with our screaming and play fighting for YEARS! They just ignored the noise and the fights. Maybe because they were in their 40s when we were born. I think they were burned out by 50. :) Once we left home and went away to college, we drifted apart a bit. He got married and I moved half way across the world. We have very different lives now, but we still keep in contact regularly. We came together once my father died and again when my mother died. Now, we only have each other left in our original family. It's kind of a weird feeling when that happens.
[ Reply | More ]11.19.11, 08:21 PM Flag
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[+] My almost 5yr old DD has been making up elaborate stories about her best friend "Max"... 13 replies
- your child has an imaginary friend - she is totally fine. Let...too seriously until a friend of mine who majored in child development said this could be sign for deeper trouble (...anything too much, we'd all go crazy. As an only child, I had imaginary friends. My imagination ran wild because I had to stay at home a lot due...I grew up in. Sounds like your daughter is the only child, too. She'll grow out of it. As...
Talk : : November 16, 2011
My almost 5yr old DD has been making up elaborate stories about her best friend "Max" in Kindergarten. We totally believed her for the last couple of months until we found out from the teacher conference there is no "Max" in her class or her school. She always tells us she ONLY plays with Max at school but it turns out she has her own group of girl friends. According to my DD, Max is the smartest, best behaving kid in the class. It also turns out she has been making up stories about getting candies as a reward for good behavior at school. Should we seek professional help to find out why she might be making up these stories? The teacher tells us she is doing fine socially and academically.
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.16.11, 07:14 AM Flag ]Imaginary friend. I had two at that age, named Zary and Thicka. Ivy undergrad and ivy grad school alum here. Go figure.
[ Reply | More ]11.16.11, 07:16 AM FlagOP: I didn't take this too seriously until a friend of mine who majored in child development said this could be sign for deeper trouble (e.g. trauma, bullying, learning disability, etc.).
[ Reply | More ]11.16.11, 07:39 AM FlagNP I would not assume that, OP but if you have any concerns you could call your ped who might have some insight into your kid and kids in particular. There must be a few books about imaginary friends for this age that might help your dd feel okay about knowing you know!
[ Reply | More ]11.16.11, 08:03 AM Flag
Anything could be a sign for some underlying problem, but if we read into anything too much, we'd all go crazy. As an only child, I had imaginary friends. My imagination ran wild because I had to stay at home a lot due to the rough neighborhood I grew up in. Sounds like your daughter is the only child, too. She'll grow out of it. As long as she doing well in school and at home, don't take it seriously.
[ Reply | More ]11.16.11, 08:01 AM Flag
[+] My 7-year old DD needs constant attention. If the focus is on anyone else, she does ... 24 replies
- I am the smartest person in my class and there is only one other boy who is as smart as me in the...you are a real Bitch to say so. I know my child that is all her strenghts and her weaknesses. I want her...how someone could say that you have contempt for your own child just because you don't think everything she does is...on your 3 sentences. i can see why someone might think you have contempt for your daughter. the only child i know who talks too much has a mother...
Talk : : November 13, 2011
My 7-year old DD needs constant attention. If the focus is on anyone else, she does all she can to get back into the limelight. Lately, she asks questions that she knows the answer to just because she knows it will get DH to go through a long explanation. It is driving me nuts, and I'm worried that she will wind up without friends if we don't nip this. Any ideas?
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.13.11, 04:47 PM Flag ]She sounds like a lot of adults I know. She always wants to be the star. I'd get her involved in team sports, team activities (like a play- where she is not a main character?), and gently disapprove of showing off. My mom used to whisper very nicely to me "it's not nice to show off" if I started to act like that. It totally shamed me, even at that age, because everyone knew that showing off was a bad thing.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 04:51 PM FlagFunny, because we did the play route and now she makes everyone in the house listen to her practice her lines nonstop. Argghhhhh.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 04:53 PM FlagOh, well family is one thing. But if she is showing off to friends, neighbors, etc. I would continue to gently remind her that no one likes a show-off, and to ignore the behavior after that reminder. But reading lines to you at home is cute (of course if it seems excessive like she is doing it just for attention over and over and over, then I'd do the same thing- no one likes a show off- and ignore)
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 04:55 PM Flag
I am hoping it is a phase. My 6yo DD does the same. I don't think friendships will be a problem I just think people will think she is an airhead. She says huh to everythin and always asks questions she knows the answer to.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 04:53 PM FlagShe'll stop asking if her parents respond with "Olivia. You know the answer to that. Don't show off."
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 04:56 PM FlagI am going to try it. She is such a smart ass too she says yes I am the smartest person in my class and there is only one other boy who is as smart as me in the school. Ughhh
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:11 PM Flagnp- You seem to have a lot of contempt for your DD. Maybe you should work on that before attempting to correct her behavior.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:16 PM FlagI do not have a lot of contempt for my DD and I find that you are a real Bitch to say so. I know my child that is all her strenghts and her weaknesses. I want her to be the best she can be in life and if that means knowing exactly who she is as a person to help make her better then so be it. I have been called a tiger mom and mama bear but never accused of having contempt for DD and I will not stand by and let you say such a thing when you don't know a damn thing about our realtionship.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:21 PM Flagnp: ITA with you. I don't understand how someone could say that you have contempt for your own child just because you don't think everything she does is perfect. Isn't part of our job as a parent to help shape them into independent and productive, happy adults? If you want to do that, you cannot live in a world where you pretend everything she does is just peachy!
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:29 PM FlagShe was mocking what her six year old was saying, calling her a smart ass, and complaining, "Ughhh." The kid's six years old! And yet I'm a bitch for calling her out on her melodramatic, nonsensical ranting. Who are you, Angry Mom Star F*cker?
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:43 PM Flagnobody thinks op should think she has the perfect child. calling her a "smartass" and wanting to be "in the limelight," and wanting her to "be the best she can be in life" just sort of smells like contemptuous tiger mom to someone here. she asked for advice.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:44 PM Flag
np: this is hilarious. this is an anonymous board, and you asked for advice, and now you "will not stand by" and let someone tell you what they think, based on your 3 sentences. i can see why someone might think you have contempt for your daughter. the only child i know who talks too much has a mother who talks too much.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 05:35 PM Flag-
np: It's a lot of pressure to always be the best you can be.
[ Reply | More ]11.13.11, 06:11 PM Flag
[+] I keep hearing about social issues with the girls at East Side Middle (really tough c... 33 replies
- if your child has a bproblem "fitting in" it isn't school specific?? We aren't talking about the only child of a particular race/religion - we are talking about East Side Middle and if there are gilrs there that might not...too. ESM is impressive, I didn't learn much from the open house only that everyone loves it. It has so far exceeded my expectations. The staff really...
Talk : : November 09, 2011
I keep hearing about social issues with the girls at East Side Middle (really tough cliques of entitled, stereotypical UES girls). Anyone have any experience with this? It seems like such a great school, otherwise. Thanks.
33 replies [ Reply | Watch | More11.09.11, 06:39 AM Flag ]Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. Putting that aside - there are all kinds of peoplle in every social environment. Honestly, if I told you that all the blond pony tail UES girls at ESM ate lunch together and would never allow a brunette - would you not put it down as your first choice school? What would be your first choice instead? I'm not being mean or snarky - just trying ot figure out what importance the "hearsay" of UB about social issues will play in your selection of middle schools.
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 06:45 AM Flag-
Sure it does. I believe that the social aspect is just as important as academics, if not more so, in middle school. If the kid is miserable and feels like an outcast s/he will not do well. Not much in the way of big, new concepts in middle school. Perhaps that's because adolescence is such a transitional time for kids. I believe it's more important to put your kid in a place s/he will "fit" in vs. the absolute best academic choice.
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 07:07 AM Flagif your child has a bproblem "fitting in" it isn't school specific?? We aren't talking about the only child of a particular race/religion - we are talking about East Side Middle and if there are gilrs there that might not like OP's dd. Yes, that is a possibility. It is a possibility with every school.
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 07:12 AM FlagYes, but every school has a personality. Some might be more willing to accept all sorts than others.
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 07:22 AM Flagboth of you sound like you swallowed the pamphlet. We are talking about a public middle school. You cannot possibly control every thought word or deed by every student attending said school. Have you toured any of the middle schools? They ALL say the same thing. They all have the little posters on the walls dealing with respect and anti bullying... What could possible be gained by asking the question OP asked (not to mention the fact that ESM doesn't let you see the students or the classrooms so there is very little vibe to pick up on. And one moms take isn't the same as the mom standing next to her. I get shying away from a schol if the police have been called once a week for the past two years, but this "girl social issues" crap is jut that (imo)
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 08:10 AM Flag
Try to talk to parents from many different years because social issues depend on who is in the school at the same time you are. I heard great things in the past about ESM being warm and nurturing, but this year my dd is hearing from her friends who went there that there is a lot of drama among the girls and a lot of boy-girl stuff going on, more sophisticated than what is (not) going on at her own middle school. BUT maybe this is just among the girls she stayed in touch with from elementary school and their friends, who knows. I think you have to talk to a LOT of people and in the end go by the academic/overall vibe you and your own dc get because it's a crapshoot as to who gets admitted the same year your dc does. Also, I would assume that if your dd isn't cliquey and entitled, she will make friends who are the same. Sure, once you factor in the commute, since ESM is on the upper east side, there isn't going to be all that much geographical diversity and it's a primarily rich, primarily white school. But every single girl isn't going to be the same and there are nice rich white girls too ;-)
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 08:25 AM FlagNP: OP, you are me. We live on UES, but share your concerns. I see ESMS girls around the neighborhood, at Hebrew school, etc. and frankly, we might as well move to the suburbs if we're going to send our DC there. We are a year away from applying, but are leaning toward the downtown MS and Wagner SP for this very reason. D2 needs more middle school options north of Gramercy.
[ Reply | More ]11.09.11, 10:45 AM Flag-
DS goes to ESMS and loves it, the first few weeks most of the kids stayed with their elementary school friends but by now are branching out. I have spoken to mothers of the girls and they are making new friends and getting acclimated too. Many of the girls are not stereotypical UES Girls and they seem to be doing fine too. ESM is impressive, I didn't learn much from the open house only that everyone loves it. It has so far exceeded my expectations. The staff really does seem to be concerned with the whole student.
[ Reply | More ]11.10.11, 08:01 PM Flag
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