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UrbanBaby Asks...
Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?
- Yes, most of the time we really have fun together
- Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating
- Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun
- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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UB Like it's 1776!
Posted September 13, 2007(191 replies)
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Highlights from the boards for the week of Nov 17th – Nov 23rd:
Want Refund from My Sister Who is Divorcing After Short Marriage… (65 Replies) My sister is getting divorced and she’s been married for 13 months. She stated that she ...
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[-]Any body have any advice on 4 week summer camps for a girl going into 6 grade. we are looking at camp laurel south,ME vs kenwood/kenmont, CT?
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[-]I see that some parents want DC to play a sport to show colleges that they are well rounded. Didn't work out that way for my friend. Friend's DC so loved playing his sport that he wanted to enroll at a less good university so that he could be on the team there. Good for him.
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[-]Where do teenagers hang out in NYC??? I'm trying to get my 16yo daughter away from Union Square where her ex-boyfriend hangs out ALL day and night. She claims that there isn't anywhere else to be in NYC. We live and send her to school in Brooklyn and I'm entirely TOO old to know where to go nowadays.
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I don't think you can make your teenager hang out somewhere else. She'll figure it all out. Wherever her buddies hang out that's where she is going to hang out.
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She needs to stop dating skaters. Kids hang out in apartments, central park, starbucks. I love (meaning hate) hte poster who siad she went downtown to bars, clubs and house parties. yes, every night she did that, right.
[ Reply | More ]OP: She's going out tonight with a girlfriend and she wants to find an area where other teenagers will be so that she can see/meet/flirt with new boys. Anything? The most promising advice I got from this post so far: Astor Place, Wash. Sq., Met stairs. Anything else?
[ Reply | More ]Seriously, we went to a lot of bars that friends went to that served underage and clubs (when those were big don't know about now). Can you look in nymag.com under the entertainment section? Sorry! My dcs are 10 and 7
[ Reply | More ]OP: I looked. I'm not looking for an event, though. My daughter specifically did not want musical venues - punk, noise, or otherwise.
[ Reply | More ]Tell her to go to the east village and wander around until she finds a bar that serves and hang out. Or NYU area where they tag underage but allow them in
[ Reply | More ]OP: I can't openly condone my 16yo hanging out in a bar. And I don't really want her to either. I want her to meet her peer group, not people who can get into bars. That's why I'm looking for teen spots, like Union Square, but elsewhere.
[ Reply | More ]I understand that but this is a difficult scenario. She wants to go out at night she wants to meet other 16 yo who are out in manhattan at night and what do you think 16 yos out in manhattan at night together are doing? Not being snarky I lived that life and I was a 'good girl'. There aren't any teen centers or no alcohol bar hangouts here
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Why would a bunch of old ladies on UB have better info on where teens hang out thatn your daughter does? that's weird!
[ Reply | More ]OP: It's not weird at all. We live in Brooklyn. When my daughter goes to Manhattan, it's just to Union Square. She has a very limited social crowd. I thought maybe you old ladies had teens, knew them, or saw them hanging out in your neighborhood in the evenings, on date night, or whatever.
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she's old enough to get a part-time job. most everybody i knew in high school had some sort of job by senior year. even dh, with his fancy pants private school and wealthy neighborhood, was scooping ice cream at baskin robbins as soon as he was legal to work. a productive way channel all that teen down time and need for semi-independence.
[ Reply | More ]when we finally decided to bite the bullet and move to the burbs, the one thing I did feel *sad* about was that when dc was a teen he wouldn't have as much to do as he would in the city....and then I sort of suspected that he'd say he was "bored" even if we were in the city. I want to thank all the responders with teens who have confirmed my suspicion!!!
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well a few seem to....my point is the teens are doing the same things teens do in the burbs: movies, starbucks, pizza etc. It doesn't sound like they are taking advantage of broadway shows and museums
[ Reply | More ]Some definitely do museums. Unfortunately Bway shows are too expensive these days but they do go sometimes. Many go to Shakespeare in the Park of course. And many go to various concerts, whether free and open or at clubs (if of age), around town - jazz and classical as well as rock.
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Are there still laser shows at the Museum of Natural History? I remember doing that, movies, diners, walking around, Washington Square Park, swing dancing for a while when that was cool, playing pool, Urban Outfitters, music stores like Tower and HMV. Don't know what's around nowadays.
[ Reply | More ]She might like Etsy's craft night. It happens every Monday at their warehouse down in DUMBO. http://www.etsy.com/storque/events/
[ Reply | More ]I think it is definitely easier for boys, who will just play pick-up basketball (even at night), soccer, etc. My 15 y/o DD goes to friends houses constantly, to the movies, out to eat (nowhere expensive, she pays with her $$). I would say she and her friends spend the majority of their time at each others houses. On the weekends, they walk around in soho, or play tennis or whatever. Nights are kind of tough.
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This whole post makes me think that I'd better move to the suburbs before my kids hit high school! My HS experience included Friday night football games, gathering at the local restaurant after soccer or basketball games, pizza parties/sleepovers in friend's finished basements, pool parties, school dances, bowling, and an occasional movie. My mom always knew where I was, and most of the time a parent was home with us! I'm sure it was nerve wracking for my parents when I got my drivers license, but I just drove around town to friend's houses and restaurants.
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I posted above about our moving to the burbs and feeling bad about a lack of activities for dcs as teens...my burb experience was the same as yours growing up and I guess this is why I felt my kids would miss out if we left the city. I did all the NYC cultural stuff after I moved there as an adult. Like the poster above said, teens can't afford to take advantage of "all the city has to offer"....it's too expensive!
[ Reply | More ]That's a lie. It's not advertised, but most of the museums in NYC are suggested admission or free for NYC students. Half of the art galleries in Chelsea are free; you can just walk right into them without any raised eyebrows. Furthermore, any half-decent hipster bookstore has readings scheduled.
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When I was in HS in nyc, we went to MOMA (free admission with school ID) after school to sit in the Spring Garden and do homework or just hang out until it was late enough Friday to go to dinner and then to the pool hall. We drank cappuccino at Chelsea Blliards (pre-starbucks era) or other pool halls in NYC (I knew a pool hall at every subway stop). The pool halls were filled with hs students on Friday and Saturday nights. Ate at Uno's in the village a lot and then walked around. If we needed another activity, we'd go to the planetarium for the laser show. House parties were for drinking, otherwise we were sober and just ate dinner out. We weren't really looking to meet kids from other schools though. BTW - this was all while I was l...
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[-]Ok, moment of pride time: my daughter (senior in HS) is sitting at the DR table, surrounded by neat stacks of forms and envelopes, filling them out and addressing them. She has even made a spreadsheet of all of her college choices, with due dates and requirements. And she is three weeks early. Sigh...
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[-]Ds (14 yrs) is in a special ed schl which handles kids with emotional as well as academic disabilities. DS is dyslexic - isn't in the school for emotional/behavioral issues. Problem is he is isolating himself because he doesn't like dealing with the kids who have emotional issues and because he doesn't want to be associated with the special ed label. I'm worried that he's heading into his own social/emotional issue as he tries so hard to deny that he's in any way associated with kids in the school. He might be able to make it in a mainstream school (he's very severely dyslexic) but the dye is cast for this year. We could apply to private (any tier will do) but need so much financial aid that I doubt we'd get what we needed. We've also...
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIs there a way he could be in a mainstream school and just get the tutoring/therapy that's needed.
[ Reply | More ]The "die" is cast...not "dye"...The origins of this colloquialism come from the singular for dice--fate(symbolized by the casting of dice) has been sealed, the earliest usage of the term comes from Sir Thomas Robert in written accounts of his company's 1634 travels to Africa and Asia. Popular myth is that the colloquialism was first used by Julius Caesar but of course this cannot be verified.
[ Reply | More ]OR: Oh, and about your son--take him out of the special ed school. My mother was a Resource Specialist and taught learning handicapped, Severely emotionally disturbed & severely handicapped for over 20 years ending in 2004. I am currently working on my single subject teaching credential for English w/ certification in reading. My mother never advocated placing a child who did not have severe handicaps or emotional disturbances with children who did simply for the sake of a learning handicap. A great portion of a child's success in school revolves around their personal confidence as well as their social environment. Having him in this type of school, dyslexic or not, is crippling him. There are other options out there. Read up on the specifi...
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Could you rent your NYC apt and try renting in a 'burb to see if that actually works for you, first?
[ Reply | More ]^^ I'm a former h.s. teacher and I feel for your son, because dyslexia has nothing to do with IQ. His school sounds like a bad fit for him. I think a good public could accommodate you (maybe Glen Ridge, NJ, too) but you should really think about what specific services would be the most useful. Don't just go by the IEP, either. As a teacher, I found that IEPs didn't seem to correlate terribly well with what the student *actually* needed or what the school could actually provide. But many teachers will have no problem with your son needing to make certain accommodations such as, for example, taking tests in the special ed support room.
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My son went through the same thing. We pulled him out mid-year at his insistence and put him in a private school, it is costing a fortune (he needs extra help), but I can't tell you how much happier he is. While he was at the other school, I could see him copying behaviors, not big things and not consciously - I didn't know at the time whether they were native behaviors (that is his own) or copied. Since we moved him, he has none of those slightly odd-duck things and he is soooo much more normal in terms of behavior. best thing we ever did.
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[-]Can someone please explain why teenage girls feel the need to post really provocative photographs of themselves on the web or cell phones? I can't believe the pictures I found on my son's computer of girls from several well known private schools here in NYC. He doesn't know I have seen then, but I'm a pretty liberal person and I'm shocked. Friends tell me all the girls are doing it.
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | Morethey think the boys will like them if they do it, so they do it. just like at the clubs so many girls are making out with each other for male attention. they think more is more.
[ Reply | More ]I wonder what the parents do, particularly the moms. While I know a lot of hings are out of mom's control, I am amazed at my 4 yo and how she mimics me. I wear little to no makeup, and spend little time getting dressed. And I;ve noticed that some of her little playmates are already into headbands, and hair and their moms have indulged them. I think our kids get oru values. If women think it takes 30 minutes of makeup to be presentable to the world, their little girls will also.
[ Reply | More ]haven't little girls always mimicked their mothers and played dress up. i don't see the connection between that and sending boys half nude pics.
[ Reply | More ]My point is, I do. My kid doesn't do "dress-up". I think the importance of appearance, and style, and looking provacative starts early.
[ Reply | More ]Have you notices (and I love them) the adult clothes jcrew kids sells for little kids. I think they are adorable.. but they are adult clothes. And they seem to be selling, right now, about 8 bikinis for 4 year olds, and 2 one pieces. I think most would argue, they are kids, they look cute ina bikini.. I just dont think its appropriate, partcicularly at 4.
[ Reply | More ]I would say there is a huge difference between putting effort into your appearance and looking provocative. I dressed up as a princess and ballerina regularly as a child, played with makeup, my mom wore makeup and I never had any inclination to be provocative at any age. Spending a lot of time getting dressed in normal clothes is not going to encourage a dd to be provocative or send nude pictures.
[ Reply | More ]unfortunately once they are teenagers it can be unpredictable: some girls emulate their mothers and others want to be the exact opposite to carve out their own identity.
[ Reply | More ]My daughter is the opposite. I am a no makeup jeans and sweatshirt gal while my teenager daughter will dress as provocatively as she can. I am so tired about fighting about her appearance. If I tell her not to wear a certain dress, she just goes to a friend's house and borrow one of their slutty outfits. I'm exhausted and disheartened and don't know who to blame.
[ Reply | More ]I had friends who went through this and simply grew out of it. In a way girls who argue that they shouldn't be labeled a slut because of an outfit are right. however, they just need to think about why they do it and how they feel when they do it
[ Reply | More ]? I disagree.. if the outfit is slutty, you should tell her she looks like a "slut". What would be the aruugment otherwise?
[ Reply | More ]I think if you say that often girls will just shut down, think their moms are just old and dismiss them. I think the term slut is misogynist and and counterproductive to the sexual development of young women. I think trying to figure out why your daughter dresses that way and challenging her to think about it critically is more effective than borderline name calling.
[ Reply | More ]I completely agree. There is no faster way to be dismissed as out of touch than to call your daughter, or her friend, a slut. That's a very judgmental thing to say and you DON'T want her to feel you're judging her if you hope she calls you when she's in trouble, or tells you much of anything about her life.
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How old is your daughter? I'm curious when this starts to happen. I was raised by my mom to think nailpolish, miniskirts, exposing breasts was slutty, but more than that, "tacky". So my girlfriends and I never did any of that stuff. We also thought Barbie's (at 6) were stupid. Not sure what my mom did right, or what I;ll do wrong.
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I think you're fooling yourself if you think this really affects how your child will be in 12 years -- unfortunately, the peer group and something innate drives the 'dress up' gene. Or maybe it's more about whether your child is using this to assert independence or is more of a mimic. My mom was all about appearances, I don't dress up, and my 5 year old is all about the bling. I really think you should copy this post and re-read your words in 12 years to see if your sensible approach had any influence at all.
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Oh god here we go again with the privates- enough- It happens in public too. We can see through your posts recently all focusing on private school girls.
[ Reply | More ]Yes, public and private. My question is why these girls, many who are so bright, will post these pictures, make out with their girlfriends and then post the pictures, as well as sexting random boys. Should the schools tackle the issue?
[ Reply | More ]i think the op was just pointing out that it is happening across the socio-economic board. too sensitive.
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Fake, fake, fake,fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. Yes, girls all over the fcking world do this, nyc privates are not excluded, but you are a fake poster, fake, fake, fake, purposefully being provocative yourself.
[ Reply | More ]No one is going to like this, but here goes: We have modesty rules in the house for both boys and girls, starting from a very young age. Think conservative Christian groups or Hasidic dress. You can't really do this if the rest of your environment is not living like this. Peers are everything to teens; parents sort of factor in sometimes.
[ Reply | More ]I grew up with conservative parents and dressed very provocatively. I had very embarrassing moment where teachers sent me home to change. I think one part is because I didn't know how to dress my "new" body. I thought I could wear tank tops and I didn't realize how that looked when I bent over, ect. The other reason is that I wanted to be an adult. My parents gave me little freedom and this was my way of expressing it. Once I left for college, I dropped the slutty shirts.
[ Reply | More ]I can't say why they are doing it (the original question), but I certainly can say what a parent can do to stop it. DO NOT let your child (dd or ds) have a cell phone until they have demonstrated to your satisfaction that they know how to use it responsibly. No child or teen needs a cell phone, and as soon as more parents re-discover this simple fact the problem will disappear.
[ Reply | More ]When teenaged girls feel like they haven't gotten enough attention from anyone, they will do whatever it takes for someone to tell them that they are sexy or beautiful. They feel like shit about themselves.
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[-]ds (14 yo) spends a lot of time on the computer. i randomly check his history (without his knowing it - no flames please; that's not my question). If his history doesn't show any porn (my concern - imo 14 is too young for porn web images), is that all I need to know/see? What are ways someone might hide history? (his browser of choice is googlechrome.)
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreI wouldn't spy on my kids - but that's your prerogative. I know my 6YO would be able to hide activity from your stealth eye though! You need to install tracking software if you really want to spy - it's easy to not store any history on Chrome. And even if you do spy on him, you have no clue what he does outside of your house.
[ Reply | More ]You've got a 6 yo, you have no idea what you'll do when he's older, don't be so judgmental now. I have 2 older kids, (12 and 15) and I check what they're doing on the computer, facebook and text messages. There are a lot of pitfalls and cyber bullying is a big concern. Texts in the middle of the night from frenemies etc. You have to know.
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even if he was, what can you do? he is still going to have to use a computer no matter what and if he is motivated, he can find a way (iphone, download it to a memory card and play it on a PSP or ipod, etc). i always think prevention is better than trying to remove a habit later. In our house, we have one computer in the living room. We could definitely do with more but i think it's actually better for the kids, they learn to take turns and not just sit idly at the computer because they know someone else could be waiting.
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[-]Moms of NYC high schoolers: Any recommendations for SAT prep classes/books? I would like to at least start dd out with a class, and then use a tutor if we really have to. We did the tutor thing for older dd, and I'm not convinced it made more of a difference. I also have a suspicion that younger dd would also be more motivated with a class.
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[-]Have a teenage stepson who's severely intellectual disabled and functions like a five year old in many important ways. Not always the case, but most days I feel very little for him other than obligation and guilt. I try not to feel pity for myself (I tell myself, I was the only one in this family that effectively "chose" to have him in my life), but it's a daily struggle. Been in his life for almost 10 years, large part of that as primary caretaker with DH. Relationship with DH is wonderful in all ways but for this. (No way I would have taken this on for a lesser man.) Any BTDT advice?
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreNot btdt. But what's your plan when he reaches 18? Will he go to a day facility? I know how hard this is. GL.
[ Reply | More ]OP: at this stage, I think he will continue in school until 21 (happily, he is making progress). I want to cry just writing this. Really need somewhere to vent but can't really talk to anyone about it.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Also, I think he could get successfully hold a job in a supported environment. With the right investment of time and energy now I do think we could do a lot to get him partially independent. But that in itself is sort of a full-time job.
[ Reply | More ]Give yourself a break. You haven't had the time that your DH has to adjust to the demands of a child with special needs. I think that it would help you to be in a support group or find someone to talk to about the frustrations and huge impact it has on your life. In many ways, having exposure to a sibling with a developmental disability will make your DC more empathetic and caring. As he gets older, in some ways it will be be easier. If he is not able to perform in a job there are a lot of day programs that have great programs. It is a struggle but there are also many rewards that go with it. GL!
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NAMI has some good support groups. The support is both touchy feely talk and concrete advice on protecting assets and the such.
[ Reply | More ]First off, you are a saint for doing this, so pat yourself on the back! Second, your toddler can be told , should it ever come up, that stepson is much older and just prefers less hugs, etc....doubt this will ever come up....most children too self centered to notice another sib getting less affection.
[ Reply | More ]>>also...if this is your first experience parenting a teen, you might not realize the teen years aren't always so lovey c
[ Reply | More ]OP: Yes, I had thought about that - I agree that most kids are probably too self centered for it to ever be an issue. Perhaps by the time she's old enough to notice, she'll be old enough to understand why things are as they are.
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I think that is really common, even for the bio parents. My son is not severely intellectually disabled, but he's on the autism spectrum... and as he gets older, it gets more and more trying. There are definitely times that I feel obligation and guilt very strongly. It just comes with the territory. It is a really hard job, and it sounds like you are doing it very well. Try not to beat yourself up for the way you feel. And if you need somebody to talk to about it, I really recommend a support group or a therapist. You need to give yourself a break and give yourself the opportunity to vent!
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[-]Anyone know anyone whose child ended up having problems b/c they were on antidepressants during pregnancyor breastfeeding?
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreOkay to take wellbutrin, a low dose (150mg) and breastfeed? One psychiatrist put me on it, but then I switched doctors and the new doctor is giving me hell about it. She actually said, " Personally, I wouldn't be on wellbutrin if I were breastfeeding." Just want some other opinions. Seems like not enough research has been done on this particular drug.
[ Reply | More ]Thats why I didnt breastfeed. I had to be on the anti depressants through pregnancy but when it came to breast feeding there was more of choice. I though better formula than tainted breast milk.. Just me
[ Reply | More ]Thanks for your input. Baby's 3 months now and is developing great. Pediatrician, OB and 1st shrink all gave me the green light. But I can't help worrying about it and now I've decided to self-wean. DH wants me to stay on it:)
[ Reply | More ]I think you mean "wean"? A DB self-weans, the mom weans the DB. That's great your DB is going so well, and good for sticking with it for 3 mos. Keep in mind that in another month or two DB will start solids, and gradually the BM (or formula) will be a smaller percentage of daily calories. That means even less of drug entering your BM (to the extent that there is any now). Also as DB puts on more weight, it's even less likely to affect him (again, to the extent there is any impact now, which appears not to be). Good luck whatever you decide.
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[-]Help! and totally TMI. My 13 year old (she is not sexually active nor ever has been) has been complaining about soaking through her panties with a clear liquid. She is also having some abdominal cramps. Web md says could be possible infection caused by stress or tampon (she has used these a couple times.) Do I take her to my ob/gyn? Or is this just a pre menstrual thing? Has has had her period for couple years.
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreMidwife here: If it's a clear/white liquid that has no smell and she's not itchy, it's leukorrhea - aka normal vaginal discharge. Some women have more than others. I see many 13ish yo who come to me with this complaint, and often it's right around when they start to feel sexually aroused for the first time. It's just lubrication and it's normal. Get her some unscented panty liners if she is concerned about soaking through and teach her that the signs of a true infection are if the normal discharge changes in color or smell.
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Dear Urban Baby,
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Dear Urban Baby,
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[-]Update - my teen told me a 15 yo friend was smoking pot regularly and I wondered if I had a responsibility to find a way to tell the parents who I know a little. Well, it turns out the parents know - the child was caught smoking at home and was told by the father, Don't smoke at home. I feel like I dodged a bullet. And it's a good lesson in not making assumptions!
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[-]I'm trying to decide if I should make an appt for my dd (18, starting college in the fall) to see a gyno or just stick with her regular doctor visit in Aug. She wants to discuss pros and cons of different methods of birth control and find out what doc recommends, but she's not currently sexually active so would not need an internal exam or pap. My inclination would be to send her to gyno but do gynos see girls who are not sexually active?
27 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreYes absolutely and you still need a pap even if you aren't sexually active! It is recommended that all girls start to see a gyn in their late teens.
[ Reply | More ]Yes, she should start seeing a gynecologist once a year from now on. And if it were my daughter, I'd talk to her and the gyno about the HPV vax.
[ Reply | More ]Yes! Please send her. My mother didn't send me on the basis that I wasn't sexually active yet when in reality, I was but was too ashamed to tell her. I ended up in a panic about my health, birth control and fertility and went to planned parenthood for a very unpleasant first experience with the gyno. You can control this by sending her to a good doctor that she can confide in without worrying about you being involved. Tell her that no matter what she tells the doctor it's between her and the doctor and that you don't need to know about this.
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Why doesn't she just wait until she gets to college and then go to the student health center there? If she's going to a good size university they will have a health center with a gyecologist on staff. They are probably much more used to dealing with women this age and in this circumstance, rather than a typical GYN who normally deals with older patients. A lot of students go there for birth control and first pelvic exams, and it will get her used to the idea of going there if she has a problem or issue. She won't be able to go back to the GYN you send her to, if she is away at school.
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yeah, but it's not that easy. I'm the poster above that went to planned parenthood. I was still on my parents' insurance and I was worried that they would see the statement from the insurance company. 18 year olds are savvy, but not that savvy. it's responsible of OP to be taking care of her daughter's health like this. If my mother had done this for me, things would have been much different for me.
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I think your 18 yo should make the appt for herself. I was 18 when I first started seeing GYN and I wasn't sexually active. I got a pap then too. Why wouldn't she?
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[-]DC is at a TT high school and says that if he asks other kids simple questions.. about homework assignments or what's on the test or how to do a math problem or some science point.. the other kids will feel like he's crowding them and is being "wierd". Could this possibly be true? Teen culture is so different than what I experienced that I don't know if he's beign a self conscious teen or if the overly cool, selfish, privileged teens he goes to school with are reluctant to give even minimal help to each other.
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Totally. So many kids are a$$holes to each other, especially the smart kids. Signed, former smart kid.
[ Reply | More ]How is he at picking up social cues? My HS students are always coaching and quizzing each other--very helpful and collaborative. Not a NYC TT, but an academically rigorous private in a big city.
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DC is at a TT high school and says that if he asks other kids simple questions.. about homework assignments or what's on the test or how to do a math problem or some science point.. the other kids will feel like he's crowding them and is being "wierd". Could this possibly be true? Teen culture is so different than what I experienced that I don't know if he's beign a self conscious teen or if the overly cool, selfish, privileged teens he goes to school with are reluctant to give even minimal help to each other.
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DC is at a TT high school and says that if he asks other kids simple questions.. about homework assignments or what's on the test or how to do a math problem or some science point.. the other kids will feel like he's crowding them and is being "wierd". Could this possibly be true? Teen culture is so different than what I experienced that I don't know if he's beign a self conscious teen or if the overly cool, selfish, privileged teens he goes to school with are reluctant to give even minimal help to each other.
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