The deaf-mute's FPS dictionary

We'll admit it - we rarely play online games with our microphones switched on any more. There are all these excitable female players who want our babies, see, and all these excitable male players who want our heads on a platter, garnished with our intestines. It's tough being the nearest thing Modern Warfare 3 has to Robert Pattinson.

As a consequence, we're uncannily good readers of digital body language, able to decipher every little behaviour quirk. Here are 12 common gestures you should be familiar with.

Nodding/angling your torso up and down

1. "I agree completely. This plan has many fine and noble qualities, the foremost of which is that it simply cannot fail."

2. "Bow, bitch."

3. "What are you wearing?"

4. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Looking up at the ceiling while spinning

1. "HELICOPTER."

2. "Oh f**k, inverted Y axis."

3. "I am bored, and will be doing this for the foreseeable future."

4. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Jumping up and down

1. "Ooh! Ooh! I've found it! The thing! The thing we need! The thing we need to go forward! The thing we need to go forward to the next thing!"

2. "Help, I seem to be stuck behind a bit of broken wood. Stupid environmental detail."

3. "Help, I can't drive/unlock/kill this. Can you?"

4. "Nobody's paid me any attention for a while."

5. "Heal me!"

6. "Shoot me!"

7. "I got bored of doing the spinning-round thing, so I thought I'd mix it up a bit."

8. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Jumping up and down while looking at the ceiling and spinning

1. "Holy crap, quicksand! The enemy's up top! It's a time warp! Man, this is some good acid."

2. "I should probably just log off, to be honest. I'm not adding much to the experience."

3. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Side-strafing while glancing between you and the path ahead

1. "You should take point here. Oh no reason. It's just that I've played this level before, and I've found it's helpful when somebody else takes point here."

2. "Why did you stop? Is it a crash? Are you visiting the lavvy? WHERE DID YOU GO."

3. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Melee attack

1. [In a doorway] "I want to go into that room there. Move. Please?"

2a. [In the open] "I am a penis."

2b. [In the open] "Wait, which one's duck again?"

3. [At a corner] "STEALTH KIIIIoh it's you."

4. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Equipment drop

1. "Come forth, man, and feast upon my bounty."

2. "I saw one of the other ones do this. Does it win?"

3. "Monkey see box? Monkey go prone near box, get health boost. Monkey stay here and be safe, let Daddy take care of business."

4. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Dodging backwards and forwards

1. "I've seen this movie before. The Medic dies. You go first."

2. "Damn it, I wanted the rifle not the shotgun. Why did you have to drop the shotgun right by the rifle? Somebody shine a torch at my feet."

3. "Turn your mic on you fool."

Shooting you once

1. "HELLO IT'S ME!"

2. "THE ENEMY. Oh wait it's you."

3. "Don't worry, there's no friendly fire and I need to power-reload. Oh sorry, were those your lungs?"

4. "You're ghostin' us motherf**ker. I don't care who you are back in the world. You give our position one more time, I'll bleed you, real quiet, and leave you here. Got that?"

5. "Turn your mic on you fool."