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Email a FriendYeah ok, that is an ideal respons I agree. But my husband would say (high school Catholic religion teacher) no way, we’re going and we’re going to sit in the front row and smile and love, love, love. My sister got married 5 years outdoors against our diocese policy and is now in the process of a divorce and my husband’s brother was married in Mexico to “save money” and they are doing fair I guess. But in both cases we knew that they knew what we believed (we’re pretty “out there” to most) so protesting just would come across way to judgemental in my hubby’s opinion. I tend to be the “teach ‘em a lesson type” but that’s why we’re so good together, he balances that. I say sorry, it’s just not worth it people. Go, go go and smile and hug them and pray for them. I can’t say how much I see my husband’s point after 10 years of marriage. I’m hurting for my sister now of course - but guess where she was last week crying about her choices? MY COUCH!!!!!!!!! Do you think she would have done that if I didn’t stand by her as her matron of honor??!! I highly highly doubt that. She’s embarassed to pieces.
Handling Wedding Invitations
Posted by Lisa Hendey in Faith on Tuesday, October 18, 2011 12:16 PM
Today at Catholic News Agency, a reader posed an interesting and common question to Fr. Francis J. Hoffman (“Fr. Rocky”):
“My nephew is marrying outside the church; although baptized, he hasn’t been to church in years. Should his Catholic relatives attend? Of course it would cause bad feelings if we don’t.”
I want you to go over and read the eloquent and straightforward response Fr. Rocky gave this reader. To give a bit of a hint on his stance, I’ll just share that his final words were, “Do not be afraid!”
I’ll admit to my friends here that I have been in this very situation and that I have been afraid. While I agree with Fr. Rocky 100% that such situations are a unique opportunity to stand up and witness to what we believe, I’ve been afraid that by refusing to attend I will do irreparable damage to my relationship with the person who invited me, thereby cutting off any chance of future interaction with them. In reading Father’s remarks, I realize that I have not adequately seen these occasions as a time to teach, to instruct, and perhaps even to save my loved one. Instead, I’ve “gone with the flow”, not wanting to rock the boat.
Have you been in this situation with close family members or friends? How did you respond to the invitation? If you decided not to attend the wedding, was there any lasting damage to your relationship? Have you ever succeeded in encouraging a family member to return to the Church and to sacramental life by taking a strong stand for your beliefs?
Comments
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I agree with you here. But even marriages between practicing, faithful Catholics end up in divorce. We have two in our immediate family. Nobody knows what is in the heart of another except God. I think your husband is correct; judge not, but support and love.
I agree 100% - love, love, love. Let God pass judgment someday, if He will. I sought out the advice of not one, not two, but THREE priests last year about standing up as a bridesmaid for my friend who was a divorced, fallen away Catholic getting married outside the church. My husband and I both thought we should boycott the wedding as a witness to our faith. And we were WRONG. Three priests from three different churches in two different dioceses all agreed that we will win them back by our love, and by being there for them.
I’ve been in this situation a few times. My husband and I are adult converts to the faith, and our families are all mostly Protestant. The hardest situation was when my father married his girlfriend, a twice-divorced non-practicing Catholic. He was very upset and thought it was a reflection of my love for him. But we stood firm didn’t go, despite pressure from all sides (including other Catholics-in-name-only who couldn’t understand why we weren’t going) and it was the right decision. Eventually our relationship healed. Still, it’s a tough situation to be in.
Father Rocky’s advice is good, I suppose, when people know the faith and drift away or don’t want to jump through the hoops. When people are poorly catechized, not raised in the Church, or have been abused in the name of the Church, it’s just going to drive them further away.
Both the priests I went to for advice when my sister married outside the Church suggested I go. And, boy, were they right. If I hadn’t gone, abusive ex-brother-in-law would have simply forbidden her to talk with me. As it was, I was allowed to be in contact with her and help her leave him. Besides, both my sister and I grew up in a family where the Church was used as a club to beat everyone. Beating her another time with the same club wasn’t going to bring her back to the Church.
We were in a similar situation with a dear sister. In good conscience we could not attend, but my sister threatened the family if we would not attend (i.e. she would never speak to us again, she would not allow us to be a part of the lives of any children she might have, etc.). We prayed about this, and in the end decided that we needed to love her, in the truth. So, we lovingly explained why we could not attend the ceremony, but that we loved her and that nothing would alter our love for her. On the day of her wedding, we spent the day quietly, in prayer and fasting for her and her new husband. She did not speak to us for about two years, but through the grace of God, she is in contact with us again. In that time we continued to communicate with her (even though the communication was one-sided) and pray for her and trust that in time, we might have true reconciliation that was based on love and truth. We are still working our way there, but I do not think that would have been possible if we had compromised our principles in a well-intentioned, but misguided charitable impulse that would have left her confused as to what it means to witness as a Christian.
We’ve been there. My brother got married on a lake on Holy Saturday. Yeah during the Triduum. It broke my mom’s heart. The whole family attended and the biggest thing was fasting on Good Friday. Thankfully, we were able to have fish at the rehearsal dinner, and exposed many from the “Bible Belt” how us Catholics do things 
Now we just continue to pray. With God there is a way!
I’m not sure this applies, but I ran across this quote today and it spoke to me. I think it fits.
“‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matt 9:13.
I’d go to show my love for my family member.
I am a Catholic (working my way back into the Catholic faith) who married a Protestant in a Protestant church over 4 years ago….although I wish someone had enlightened me to the fact that a marriage between a Catholic and Protestant was acceptable to the Church as long as a Priest presided in conjunction with the Protestant minister, I am very grateful that my Catholic family did not abandon me in that time of transition! Because of their support and love (all the while my knowing their preference was for a marriage in the Church) we may (with God’s power) eventually bring MANY people back into the Catholic faith! I do not agree with a legalistic treatment of this issue….devout Catholics can have their Faith be known without denying attendance to a wedding outside of the Church. The Holy Spirit reveals many times throughout the book of Acts in His directions to the apostles the importance of bringing people into the church if they confess belief in the One True Christ, rather than turning them away because they have not yet ‘converted’ to Judaism.
I haven’t been in this situation yet, but it is probably coming and in more than one way. My brother and his girlfriend currently live together and are both lapsed Catholics. If they ever decide to get married, could we attend their wedding? To complicate the answer to that question, my other brother is gay and wants to one day “marry” another man. Could we attend that “wedding?” I don’t think we could attend either as much misery as it would cause everyone involved. It would be pure hypocrisy to attend a “gay wedding” and on what basis could we attend the secular one? “You’re wrong but not as wrong as the other?” Either you believe it is wrong or you don’t. You can still call the person, invite them to dinner and love them without witnessing to an event you believe to be wrong. If you believe it is wrong, how can you consent to witness to it? For me it is kind of like saying I believe abortion is wrong, but I’ll keep you company when you go to get one. It is a wretched situation but whenever I consider it through my children’s eyes….. if they saw me consenting to attend or witness to such an event, what would they think? what would they believe about my convictions and my beliefs? What kind of witness would I be to my brothers or my children if I said, “I don’t agree, but I’ll come.” What good are beliefs if we don’t live by them? I love my brothers and I wouldn’t judge them but I likewise must choose Christ and the Truth first or I am not worthy of Him.
I don’t think you can make a valid comparison between abortion, which is instrinsically evil and invokes automatic excommunication, to marriage which is a good. Even if a baptized Catholic has not been married in the Church he or she can still be validly married; the Church still recognizes the exchange of vows between one man and one woman in the presence of witnesses to be a valid marriage whether or not it is blessed by the Church. So while a Catholic should have a priest or deacon officiate, getting married without that blessing is not an instrinsic evil like abortion. Maybe someone can correct me if I am wrong but I think that a marriage can be blessed later by a priest if the couple wishes to come back into the Church. Anyway, I may not attend a wedding in my family if it wasn’t in the Church but I can say that that wedding is not comparable to the evil of abortion.
Monica, the abortion comparison was initially used by me in a conversation with my straight brother in relation to attending a “gay wedding.” He didn’t like my comparison between those two either. But my problem is, suppose, just suppose, both my brothers decided to get married and “married” in the same year. Just how would I justify attending one wedding and not the other “wedding”? BOTH would be recognized by the state and neither would be recognized by the Church. Or would everyone consider attending a wedding like the one mentioned in the original post be the same as attending a “gay wedding”?
To MNH, I think that is only because some priests allow it—I do not think the Church in general agrees with that position and “permits” it. I know at least one priest personally who refuses to witness a marriage if the couple is living together. He talks with them, and asks them to separate. If they refuse, so does he. Some are also “allowed” in the sense that they are not completely honest with the priest as to the truth of their relationship. They go through the prep and “church wedding” concept to keep mom and grandma happy. (I personally know of at least one case like this.)
You’d be right in a way that “you’re both wrong, but you’re more wrong,” as marriage is a natural good as well as a supernatural good (i.e. a sacrament). So the secular marriage between a man and a woman still can participate in the natural goods of marriage and may eventually come to the fullness of the sacrament depending on the growth of the parties involved; the other isn’t a marriage in any sense and can only, in the end, do damage to everyone (the men as well as any children brought into the mix). But I could certainly see that not everyone you’d have to explain to would get the distinction and so, in this particular case, you’d have to decline both.
But that’s why the Church does give leeway; sometimes one can attend while making objections known (that’s what most of my family did for a cousin of mine; wrote personal, loving letters about why they didn’t agree with the JP wedding, but went anyway), sometimes the wedding must be avoided altogether (as with gay “marriage”), sometimes it’s not a Catholic wedding but since the bride and groom aren’t Catholic they don’t have to follow Church rules (like having the wedding in a church, by a minister) so there’s no problem (but some could be offended by the fact that you didn’t have a problem with the non-Catholics doing x,y,z but did voice objections to the Catholics who were doing the same thing). Kind of like NFP usage, it’s hard to write a one-size-fits-all scenario.
The advice I’ve heard from priests is to go so that relationship is not destroyed and you still have a chance at evangelizing them. However, I think you also need to make clear your position and why it is wrong so they don’t just think everything’s hunky dory.
I would go to the wedding, absolutely.
I used to be lapsed myself, and I know lots of cradle Catholics who are still estranged from the Church. But many of them talk to me about faith because they know I am a safe person to talk to. And I think that the best thing we can do to evangelize is show others the joy and comfort that we get from our faith.
To put it another way: I think faith is most attractive to others when we emulate the love that lies at the core of Christ. Christ engaged with everyone, and those points of encounter led to grace. If someone is estranged from the Church, it’s probably because they’ve seen the rules and the regulations, but they haven’t sensed the love. I think I’m called to show that love to those who are lapsed, and to make them want to take another look. Going to their wedding can be one way in which that happens.
I didn’t read the article. I don’t know if it is true but if the brother in the article was baptized as an infant and was not catechized after that then it’s not like he is rejecting the Faith by having a secular wedding. I would attend. If he was baptized and never received 1st communion and confirmation then he has never chosen to be Catholic. I don’t know if that is right or not.
It’s such a touchy situation. And I’ve been in it a number of times. I really dread weddings these days. But my concern is this: if you go to the wedding for the reason of keeping the relationship open, staying in contact, preserving the opportunity to evangelize them later….what are you going to do to evangelize them later? Won’t THAT terminate the relationship? What’s your plan for that? Doesn’t it come down to a desire to preserve the relationship at all costs? You’re just bumping the problem down the road—that’s my fear.
Regina, I understand where you are coming from, but I think it is important to remember that evangelizing is a way of life…..not necessarily a specific act or interaction with another. More than likely an evangelist wins a heart for Christ by example through the life they lead….rather than by planning how to evangelize at some later point.
I was raised by a Catholic Mother and Protestant Father, attended Catholic Elementary School, received all my sacraments and did marry a Catholic although not really practicing one. Would I judge someone else for “marrying outside the faith” as my parents did? No. It is not forbidden by the church. Is it easier—yes if they are on the same page of faith practice as you are. Christ taught us to love everyone despite their faults and not to judge—-that’s our heavenly Father’s job. I would attend the wedding as a support to my loved one especially if they are both of Christian denominations. It is by our example that we show our faith and by opening our hearts in love that we lead others to our Church and faith. Unless you want to sever ties and wish to be judge as you have judged others—-rigidly, harshly, by “legalistic” measures, consider love being your guiding presence. Jesus said the greatest commandment was: “To love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. and 2nd “To love your neighbor as yourself.” Therefore, I feel that since I am still not perfect that I have no place to judge others. Besides my Christian Protestant Grandmother raised my Catholic Mother and had a better grasp than most born and raised Catholics….she converted in her 70’s (belatedly due to fear of her own lack of education that would hinder her in official classes). She joyfully received the sacraments before she passed away. I think if my Grandfather’s relatives had shunned her or their marriage it would have had quite the opposite effect on her view of our faith and religion.
On the other hand, I have struggled with the “gay marriage” invites but have been able to respectfully decline. The invites were not from a close family member or anyone living in close proximity. Gay “marriage” violates nearly every official faith I know—-Jewish, Christian, Catholic, Muslim. I wish them well in their “union” but the term “Marriage” is sacred as man and wife regardless of their faith. I continue to love the gay people I know while praying for them. Again, God created all of us and it is His job to judge in the end not mine. So I just love and let live. They all know my personal convictions. It can be prickly but if they love you in return—-well—love will lead the way.
CJMR - then you misunderstand the whole concept of not attending an invalid wedding. It has nothing to do with the faith of the couple or how “good” of Catholics they may or may not be. It’d also be questionable for a Catholic to attend the wedding of two Protestants who both had been married before (to other people).
It’s about not supporting, condoning, and encouraging couples to sin, and not celebrating sin by also celebrating an invalid marriage and thus creating scandal by giving tacit approval to sin. Catholics marrying outside the Church = invalid marriage. Protestants who have been married before marrying again = invalid marriage. Two males or two females marrying = invalid marriage. Etc. This is a good explanation of why attending an invalid wedding can be problematic.
Remember this: “Do not think that I came to bring peace on Earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:34-39 NASB)
It is wrong to value family peace over following Christ and His Church’s teachings. Celebrating an invalid marriage for the sake of family harmony is choosing one’s family over Christ, and the verse above explicitly condemns doing so.
If a protestant was married before but the first marriage was invalid how would you know? If the first marriage was invalid then they were never married in God’s eye to begin with.
Your opinion assumes that the Catholic baptized and confirmed Catholic actually experienced a real conversion at some point by the time the reached adulthood. Someone can go thru all the rituals and never understand. There are also sometimes other circumstances to consider. If a person was repeatedly raped by a priest as a child they may have a bit of trouble staying the Catholic church. I’m sorry you really do not know people’s hearts like you think you do. I say let God be the one who knows the hearts.
Beth -
With Protestant marriages, they are presumed valid until proven otherwise by legitimate authority. The same with Catholic marriages. The exception is if a known impediment existed at the time of the marriage (for example, if both participants are still married to other people).
I don’t judge people’s hearts. I judge their actions, and it is objectively immoral and sinful to marry one person if you’re still married to another person, even if you aren’t aware of that sin. Loving the sinner does not mean condoning and celebrating their sin.
Please Joanna don’t imply I’m encouraging people to celebrate sin. This is not a black and white subject. I know no protestant authority that declares marriages invalid. I am not focusing on people marrying a second time. I am talking about Catholics who were baptized and forced to be confirmed by their parents and NEVER had a conversion. I’m sorry but I would rather they not just go thru the motions of one more sacrament if they don’t get it. I would be more likely to go to the wedding of a protestant ex-catholic who has fostered a relationship with God than a Catholic who is going thru the motions of getting married in the church because otherwsie his family will not attend.
I read the link you provided and by that account we all should not be attending 90% of weddings these days.
“If a Catholic is asked to attend the wedding of a couple whose marriage is not recognized by the Church, or whose life does not promote purity and chastity, he should ask himself….” (my note, this includes couples who have sex before marriage)
I came across something just yesterday while listening to Sister Ann Shield’s podcast (Food For the Journey via renewalministries.net). She read something from an unknown author that has since been adapted by Patrick Madrid. The words of it came to mind while reading some of the comments here about the struggles many of us have faced in these situations. Might be a good framework to consider while praying about how to handle future questions/situations:
http://patrickmadrid.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Mission_Statement.pdf
When someone is raised Catholic and baptized and confirmed it does not mean that they ever got it and understood what it meant. Confirmation to me was something I really did not have a choice about and people do not have a choice to be baptized as infants. I never had a choice until I was an adult and out of my parents house. So if someone was raised Catholic and they never really understood it I think it is ridiculous to assume they understand it in adulthood. Are they really rebelling or have they not had the veil lifted from their eyes yet?
It would be entirely different to me if someone converted as an adult to the Church and understood what they were doing versus someone whose parents were Catholic therefore they have no choice and have to be the rest of their lives. What if they really did think and pray long and hard about the Catholic Church and realized and this point in their life they really could not be Catholic? Our conversion and spiritual journey is not always a straightforward road.
I have never seen a situation where a family member refused to go to their siblings wedding actually bring about good and conversion. I have seen it the other way around—attending the wedding left doors and hearts open down the road.
I have gone to the secular weddings where there has been NO mention of God at all. While it is a bit disturbing I always choose my gift for the new husband and wife carefully. It is not uncommon for the couple to go home with a sick call crucifix for a fallen away Catholic or a lovely wall cross for my protestant friends. A gentle reminder of the Third Person who needs to be in their marriage is never a bad thing
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