Dear Karen, thank you for sharing this beautiful article! It is very consoling to think of the days ahead with HOPE while in the thick of raising younger kids! Rachel, you are truly blessed to have such a wonderful family!
The Kids Are Alright
by Karen Swenson in Family on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 6:00 AM
Watching from the kitchen window I observe a cluster of adults reveling in laughter together. They are obviously comfortable with each other, and seem to relate with the ease of a choreographed dance. Speaking, listening, and moving, all while staying close enough to each other for a friendly shove or hearty slap on the back. I am witnessing a dream. Well, of sorts.
My husband and I have been married for 41 years and have raised this raucous group of unique individuals. We are the parents of eight wonderful children—adults now—and any gathering is sure to bring with it a melancholy reminder of what it took to get to this place.
When Steve and I married we were hippies to the core, but we had one thing that was a contradiction to our otherwise “flower child” life style. We had a deep and respectful commitment to each other. Within a short time after being married we began to hunger for Truth. We looked to our counter-culture and saw a blatant hypocrisy that actually drove us into the arms of Jesus. It was then we returned to the church of my youth, and there we found the foundation on which we built our family.
From the Start
So it began. Our first child was, as most oldest children are, our experimental child. We were full of idealistic and often unrealistic theories of child raising. As we expanded our little flock through both bearing children and the wonderful gift of adoption, one hope we held fast to was that our children would be friends. We realized that our patch work quilt of a family would not always have parents to intervene, referee, or mediate for them. They would have to be given the opportunity to learn these skills as they grew together so as to make it a permanent grafting of love for each other.
The most important foundation to build on is a love for Jesus and our Faith. Then a love for each other. I often say, I think our kids are best friends because Steve and I are best friends. They grew up watching us show them how best friends relate to each other. Our disagreements (especially if it concerned a child issue) were private conversations. We prayed together every day as a family, which at times meant a very short prayer time, but it set a precedent. The format changed as ages changed but praying together is a very intimate activity and one that draws people into close relationships.
The boys learned to be gentlemen to the girls and even seated them and me at meal times. The girls in turn learned to be appreciative of this act without complaint or sarcasm. All the children had chores from the time they were about 2 years old, giving them a sense of being needed in our family. Both boys and girls learned all chores from checking the oil in a car to cooking, cleaning and doing laundry.
Focus on Family
Once a week was Family Nght and that meant no other guests were invited. There are so many opportunities to enjoy friends and we cherished those times, but this was to give our children the opportunity to relate to each other. One child got to choose the game for the evening or we sang, or played hide and go seek, sometimes in the house. We played ball, hiked, put on plays, and told jokes. We taught our children to honor each other on birthdays and other special occasions by sharing qualities about their sibling that they liked.
Did they fight? Oh, yes! They fought at times. Over toys, over who “got there” first, over whose turn it was to choose the game for family night. In the early years we had to teach them skills to resolve issues. Sometimes it was with sayings we made up such as: “if its not worth sharing, its not worth having”. That was their decision then to share or get rid of an item. “If you want to have a friend, be a friend“. “An Act of Kindness is never wasted.” “Blessed are the Peacemakers“.
It actually got to the point where we would say the first few words, and like a game show, they would finish the saying, and more often than not, change their behavior.
Yes, they got sent to bed early over the years. How they cried. They thought life was unfair to be made to share an early bedtime in the same cell..um..room as the other offending sibling. One of my favorite memories is an afternoon in the heat of a Georgia summer, two brothers could not get along. I finally said, if you continue I will insist you make up and kiss on the lips! The argument stopped immediately.
Learning to Love
Learning to ask for forgiveness and freely grant forgiveness is a quality the siblings put into practice to this day. When any of us offended each other or behaved in an offensive or rude manner, we asked forgiveness for the action. Learning to release grudges leaves room for so much love and friendship.
Here we are today, our oldest to our youngest loving each other and enjoying the laughter they so readily bring to these times together.
They are able to differ and defer with love and respect. One’s gain is not the other’s loss. They are each others greatest fans. They rejoice in the accomplishments of one another and carry the sadness of each others sorrows. They are a phone call away from each other and for each other. They have been tried by fire and found to be true.
Yes, this loud, joy filled ,continually growing flock is ours to love and cherish. Every single minute of effort was worth it, Every sleepless night. Every prayer, every tear, and every exasperation was worth the journey that brought us to this point where we realize our Dream has been fulfilled. Our children have grown to be each others’ friends, and we are richer for it.
—Karen Swenson writes from her home home in Georgia. She is Rachel Balducci’s mom.
Comments
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What an incredible gift your family is. The families like this are not many—even large Catholic ones raised in the faith. So many I know have not had similiar relationships in adulthood despite the faith of their parents. All that hard work and prayer paid off for you.
The only question I have relates to your statement that your disagreements were all private conversations. A friend’s parents did the same thing and she struggled during her first year of marriage with any disagreement with her husband because she had never heard her parents disagree—because they always did it in private. While we choose to not discuss issues with our kids in front of them we do disagree—I think it gives them a skill in knowing how to communicate and reconcile. Granted some things we keep behind closed doors.
Your story is a great witness to how people can change (and improve!) over time. When I was younger I was very liberal politically and not close to the Church at all. My life has improved greatly since I have moved closer to the Church and made life issues my priority when it comes to politics. Thank you for sharing.
I do all the things you mentioned and my kids still fight constantly. My husband and I are best friends. We are both devout Catholics. We pray together every day as a family. We have more than one family day a week. We eat most meals together as a family. We impose consequences for fighting and bad behavior similar to the ones you mentioned. We homeschool and do many faith-based activities. The kids do chores for the family and jobs for the parish like altar serving. They all have plenty of sports and do well in their studies. Yet still they fight and fight and fight (verbally, not physically). I don’t know where I went wrong.
Are you kids grown or are they still under your roof? We did fight when we were growing up, but I think that’s part of the journey—learning to fight fair, to not hold grudges and to communicate. It’s all building blocks for when the kids are adults!
Frustrated,
Keep praying and doing what you are doing. The way I see it sometimes is that kids do not choose their siblings—they choose their friends—but the siblings they do not choose.
Every child in a family has a different personality and perspective and they have to be together most of the time. I think that can be challenging. The foundation you are laying is a good one.
There are times when siblings grown up and are not best friends but it is not necessarily the fault of the parents. I don’t think there is a definite formula for creating the family in this article. Like if you do A, B, C and D your kids will be best friends and faithful Catholics. It is hard because as parents we shoulder everything ourselves.
Dear Frustrated, I do appreciate your candor. I am so impressed with your dedication and desire for your family. I can assure you, as children, this eclectic group was not a clump of warm fuzzies. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to offer your kids the path to friendship. when they are young and MUST be together, it is not nearly as meaningful as when they are grown and long to see each other. Plesae do not lose heart. It is families like yours that make the world a better place and couples like you and your husband that are willing to keep on keeping on. Radiate Jesus! And…peace be the Journey. you are fighting the good fight!
Thank you for sharing this Karen. It is my deepest desire that my children continue to be each others best friends. I was never afforded that opportunity because my brother was in a tragic accident when we were children. My husband is one of 11 and hardly speaks to his siblings (he gets along with them, just doesn’t see the need to be in touch regularly), meanwhile I yearn for that adult sibling relationship. Thank you for all your advice. God bless you and your family!
Thank you for a beautiful article, I too will bookmark it for future reference as a mother of 2 toddlers and as the youngest of seven (ages 61-43) who feels very fortunate to consider my 2 brothers and 4 sisters my friends. I wouldn’t have always made that statement, but the unforgettable experiences of the last year make it a heart felt statement. We lost our mother two weeks ago tomorrow, our father a year ago next month and the time we spent praying together and the ability to coordinate our schedules to ensure the care our parents needed was the gift of our up bringing come to fruition.
Caring for both of our parents during their last weeks and days allowed us all the opportunity to come together, pray together and work together…ACCEPTING each other warts and all. A true gift.
Thanks for your encouragement folks. Beth, your reply reminds me of a blog post here recently which said you have to learn to let go and realize you can’t control everything. I think as devout Catholics we are kind of conditioned to think if we do A, B and C everything will work out but there are so many factors involved, such as personality conflicts, age differences, psychological issues, life experiences that effect how kids act out, etc. etc. You are right - there is no formula and there are no guarantees. But at least when I die I can stand before my Maker and say I wasn’t perfect but I tried.
Thank you, Karen, for this article and be sure I’m taking notes! I pray our children are very close throughout their lives. Did your family nights include only your immediate family or were other relatives (Grandparents, etc.) invited?
Southpaw, Sadly, we had no relatives close by during our children’s growing up years. However, had we had Grandparents or Aunts and Uncles or cousins close we would have planned some of our family nights to include them. Now as our grown children and their families “do” family night, Papa and Gramma are invited as are the other extended family members. But, then there are those times, when it is good and important for the immediate family to have a time to themselves. Thank you for asking, that is a great question to clarify.
thanks Karen, right now it sometimes feels like my kids will never learn to talk without including some form of argumentative talk but you reminded me that as long as I and my husband do ‘our best’ then it’s up to God to do the rest.
How wonderful! Thank for for your post. I had to chuckle when I saw that you told your sons to get along or they’d have to kiss on the lips. I have two boys who argue and fight constantly - everything is a competition. Someone recently suggest to me that if my boys are constantly arguing and fighting, they must not have anything better to do. It was suggested that whenever I hear them fighting, no matter who started it or what it’s about, BOTH boys should do chores. The person who suggested it stated that after implementing this rule in her home, things were much quieter in the house. One afternoon, she overheard one son hiss rather heatedly at the other, “Be quiet! She’ll hear us and make us clean something.” I thought that was great! They still argued and fought, but she didn’t have to hear it or referee. That would be just fine with me. I actually haven’t tried this yet, as I actually forgot about it until I read your post.
Thanks again.
Your pithy phrase, “If it’s not worth sharing…” used to teach your children also was to my liking. Did you just remove the toy from the offenders for a time or actually give the fought over toy away? I ask because the virtue of detachment from material things is a very serious one we are trying to instill in our children and sometimes am unsure how to go about it. Thanks again for your help.
Southpaw,
We would put the item that was being hoarded away for a period of time. No more explanation or arguing or reasoning with the offender OR the offended.
We did however have a “tradition” I particularlly enjoyed. We had what I called “Liturgical Giving”. We would clean and purge to prepare for the upcoming Celebration, Christmas or Easter. part of the cleaning was giving away items, but we encouraged not only the giving of the old toys, but of a favorite toy for someone to enjoy on the Holy Feast day.It is a habit my grown children continue to practice.
Thank you. And God bless you all for your encouragement and affirmation.
This post is a huge blessing to me! I linked to it on my weekly roundup - thanks so much for sharing!
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