Childhood abuse has made me hate all men

• Many victims of molestation, especially by a close family member, don’t report it. They live with the scars, fear and shame for years, their past clouding every relationship they have. It can be hard to move on from such a painful experience but failing to do so can be a hindrance to healthy relations, including in marriage

Hi Philip,

Related Stories

• Honey, you’re a nag
• He is a layabout, and chasing skirts
• Looking for a man who understands
• My wife stole from me and now sends me threatening messages
• Help, I can’t stop this terrible self-abuse

I am a 27-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship. A close relative of mine tried to abuse me when I was seven years old and this made me hate men. (This is the first time I’m telling anyone what happened.)

I have a nice job and I’m financially stable. My problem is that I am falling in love with a man who already has a girlfriend. He doesn’t know about my feelings for him and I’m afraid that if I tell him how I feel it might hurt him or affect our friendship.

Also, I’m worried that he might not love me back. We have known each other for three years and have just been friends. I don’t know what to do next.
Confused

Hi,

It is sad that many cases of abuse in families go undetected. Such abuse could be physical, emotional or psychological. Spousal battery, for example, which is considered a backward way of resolving issues, is still rampant in many homes. In addition, many boys and girls have been sexually abused by their older relatives. This kind of abuse has been hard to detect and report because of the innocence of those abused and the fear or even threats accompanying such abuse.

I feel sad that you have suffered so long because of this abuse. In many counselling sessions, my wife and I have encountered many such cases where the assault happened as far back as 15 to 20 years. However, the embarrassment, fear and shame involved cause much pain over those years for those who have not had disclosure or an opportunity to put some finality to that pain and its cause.

Many of the victims of abuse who get married before dealing with the abuse find this working against them in the marriage. I therefore suggest that you deal with the issue first.

Some victims of such abuse have seen counsellors while others have dealt with it through prayer and forgiveness.

Where it is hard to face the perpetrator, a victim sometimes writes the abuser a letter, explaining the violation they feel they have faced as a result of the abuse. The letter is then torn or burnt as a sign of taking control and overcoming the abuse.

There is nothing ritualistic about such an action; it is simply a way of saying: “I am putting an end to this issue.” Since you were abused a long time ago, this may be a good way to deal with it. Sometimes, putting an image to the abuse helps the healing.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it is tricky for a woman to confront a man and tell him about her feelings towards him. Most women who approach men that they have a liking for end up feeling like they imposed themselves on those men. I would suggest that you overcome such fear and maybe ask him what he thinks of your friendship.

From the things you do together, your level of communication and generally who this man exposes you to, you can gauge how he feels about you.

If he finds it fine to introduce you to his friends, for example, then use such an argument to seek a clear definition of your relationship. I foresee confusion if this is not dealt with.

You cannot allow him to make you play second fiddle. Who are you to him really? You must both seek answers. When he is married, the ball game will change and you will need to totally keep off.