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[+] Suggestion for nephew graduating from high school? Money not a good gift. Grandpare...
Talk : : June 13, 2011
[+] Why don't more people adapt to a lower cost of living so one parent can stay at home?... 69 replies
- reduced schedules so both could spend time with my brother and me. While I love my parents to death, however, I would have rather been able to attend private school all the way through (I got myself there eventually with help from the grandparents). I can't really remember much from when I was a child, but a good education has value far beyond its own duration. Also, I don't understand this martyred attitude that raising a child has to involve so much sacrifice -...
Talk : : June 13, 2011
Why don't more people adapt to a lower cost of living so one parent can stay at home? I see so many people on UB say that they can't afford a SAHP. Well, what if you made the choice to live in a smaller, less nice place...eat homemade soups & stews...take your kids out of activities and just do free things in the city...buy secondhand furniture and clothes...AND decide that your kids are on their own for college (you can borrow for college but not for retirement!). How many people would choose a life with no iPad, no smart phone, no vacations if it meant someone was home with the kids every day?
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.13.11, 05:41 PM Flag ]-
Our issue is that I want to stay in the metro area because my family and my dh family (we have big, close families) are both here. It is expensive here though! It's a sacrifice we are making. I wish we were raised in like Tennessee or Texas, somewhere where the living is cheap!
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:45 PM FlagI did that for years. We loved modestly so I could stay home. It worked for us, but who am I to judge someone else's choice?
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:45 PM FlagI think when people say that they cannot afford to have one parent stay at home, what they really mean is that they don't feel comfortable with it. I would not be comfortable with one fair-sized income coming into the house, simply because I would feel too vulnerable.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:46 PM Flagwell I would not. I went without certain things as a kid, and I don't want my kids too. Also, I thought undergrads were pretty limited in what they could borrow for college (something like 7K a year) so can they really finance a degree for that amount? And as far as activities, my pediatrician actually recommends ALL kids get swim lessons, and for girls to seriously think about self defense, but I guess those are bad life skills to have, huh?
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:46 PM FlagI would not - this is such a lame question. Why do you think it's better for a parent to be home? It may work well for some families - but not all. Why is it so hard for people to accept that everyone is different? People have different personalities and not everyone wants to stay home. That doesn't make them any less of a mother. If everyone was the same the world would be a horribly boring place.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:47 PM FlagThen say you don't want to for other reasons,don't say you can't afford it.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:49 PM FlagI could easily afford it. We don't live an extravagant lifestyle - but we live a comfortable one. We could easily live for many years on one or no income. But that doesn't mean we should. It's smart to have two incomes. The lifestyle OP suggests is risky - especially in this job market. If you have to cut back to bare bones to survive on one income, you probably don't have sufficient savings to live on for 2+ years if that person is out of work. It's a fine risk to take if staying home is important to you - but many people aren't comfortable w/ that risk and shouldn't be chastised for it.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:54 PM Flag
Because, sweetheart, some of us would never give up our rewarding, stimulating and gratifying work to stay home. Some of us believe that having working parents helps you to grow into a respectful partner, and enables you to understand your parents have interests and relationships outside of you. And some of us are already adapting to a lower cost of living because we are a double income family that cannot afford to have a parent stay at home.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:48 PM FlagI would never do this to my children. Both my parents worked, I had more than I ever needed, and a wonderful jumpstart in life.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:48 PM Flag-
OP, do you want to stay home permanently, or would you want to return to the workforce after DCs were a certain age?
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:49 PM FlagThis is the decision that I made. I don't buy myself anything, count every penny and my child doesn't go to fancy classes. I have also been there for every big milestone, spent every day with her and we have an amazing bond because of it. For me it's been worth it but everyone has to decide what is right for them.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:52 PM FlagIt's not just about being able to afford it. It's about being a person with your own independence and career for your personal satisfaction and to be prepared for the inevitable hardship that life will throw you. What if DH loses his job, gets sick, you get divorced, blah blah. Keeping my career feels like the responsible thing to do for my family.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:53 PM FlagI wouldn't choose it, sorry. Our family has a great life and we spend plenty of time together. I couldn't care less about an iPad but I do care about having a nice home, providing a great education for my children (private now, and we will pay for college, as our parents did for us), plus vacations, etc. And besides, I like what I do and so does my DH. Stay at home if you want, but please don't think that people who don't are somehow inferior parents.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 05:54 PM FlagI can afford it, but I won't do it for several reasons: I enjoy working and feeling like a productive person, not to mention having adult conversations. I feel it's irresponsible to leave the family with just one income. I would not like the change in dynamic between DH and me if I were to do this, meaning that I would not want to feel obligated to do all the housework and childcare because I stayed home. We have mutual respect and are equals in every way right now; I could not see that lasting if one of us were to opt out of the workforce by choice. I would not be happy if I were financially dependent, and I would probably not be able to contain that misery around DCs. I like the extra money we put toward retirement, college, vacations, etc.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:09 PM FlagIDA at all with your implication that your kids are better off with a SAHM but saddled with future student loans than in daycare/with nanny and having college paid for, leaving them debt-free. Frankly I think SAH is often something women do for themselves, while telling themselves it's for their kids and that is one example.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:10 PM FlagI agree that most people really could make sacrifices and live on one income. My dh and I made that choice because we really do think it's best for our children for at least one parent to be home, raising them and instilling our values. Having said that, I DO NOT like being a SAHM. It doesn't fit my personality in the least. I'm simply not domestic and don't like being home. I do it because I firmly believe it's best for my kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:17 PM FlagI admire SAHMs because I think you are much more altruistic than me. I simply could not make that sacrifice. I also feel like my DD is cared for very well by her Nanny, and is most likely happier than she would be if I were home and miserable.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:19 PM FlagWhy would you be miserable at home? Even the stupidest things I do with DD are the highlight of my day. Today we built tunnels for matchbox cars out of paper towel tubes. It was the happiest moment. We go out and meet friends at Starbucks, she'll ride her bike on the playground while I speed walk, we are not chained to the house swiffering all day.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:24 PM FlagOR: to clarify, I would LOVE what you are describing. What would make me miserable is the feeling that not having a career is just too risky for me as a person, and for our family. I'm not a risk taker. It's just how I'm wired. I require plans and backup plans in order to feel safe and secure.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:27 PM FlagNP: I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't say I am miserable but most of the mundane things (like building tunnels, etc) I don't enjoy. I admit I hate doing crafts. My dd loves them, so I suffer through. I also don't like being home. When I had one kid we left the house at 9a and didn't return until 6p. Now that I have 2 and one on the way that just isn't feasible anymore.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:28 PM Flag
Homemade soup? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea how many people in this economy have been laid off through no fault of their own? Your comfy smug little SAHM life could end at any time. I went back to work for our financial security a month before my husband was laid off (had no idea it was going to happen). Thank god I didn't listen to self-righteous idiots like you, and instead I'm able to provide for my family. When DH gets a new job, I'll be keeping mine -- you can keep your homemade soup. I'll keep my health insurance.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:28 PM FlagNot OP - But if people live well UNDER their means, and have a SAHP, then you can also have a bigger safety net. I am sorry for your troubles. Homemade food is usually always less expensive than going out, but you know that this is not about soup for you. If you need help buying food, you can see if there is an Angel Food Ministry in your area.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:34 PM Flag
We live frugally, but still need 2 incomes. NY is an expensive place to live (we are in Brooklyn). Sure, we could move somewhere where the cost of living is cheaper, but then we would never be able to see our families the way we are able to now. We stay, and work.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:30 PM FlagWe're not living so high off the hog as it is. If either of us stopped working the other one would need to re-commit to career paths that includes lots of travel, lots of client entertainment. As it is, we both work in slightly less intense spots and can both find plenty of time to spend with dcs.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:37 PM FlagMy parents think the way you do. Both worked reduced schedules so both could spend time with my brother and me. While I love my parents to death, however, I would have rather been able to attend private school all the way through (I got myself there eventually with help from the grandparents). I can't really remember much from when I was a child, but a good education has value far beyond its own duration. Also, I don't understand this martyred attitude that raising a child has to involve so much sacrifice - I've had fun with it in part because we make enough to avoid the unpleasant parts like cleaning.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:55 PM FlagBut bright children can make the best out of any situation. I think it's fair for a family to say that because one parent SAH, public school is the only option. There are sacrifices. It's also fair to say that if one parent SAH, they can't afford a car, or vacation. There are a lot of opportunities to be had, and a lot of fun, even with a modest lifestyle. Also, you can teach your kids to clean if you don't like it! Even a 2 year old can wipe down baseboards. An 8 year old can handle laundry, etc. It's good for kids to pitch in.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 06:58 PM Flag
DH and I firm believers in the two-income trap (and I'm a SAHM), but your sanctimony isn't winning any converts. First of all, eating homemade soup ain't gonna cut it. Neither is coupon clipping. The reality is people have a lot expenses they can't escape such as student loans, mortgage payments and caring for elderly family members. Some families need that second job just to provide the health insurance if the other parent is an entrepreneur. People don't choose the WOHM for a freaking iPAD or an annual trip to Antigua!
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 07:00 PM FlagToo big burden of a burden to put on your working spouse, IMO, to insist on just getting by on one income if you would be much more financially secure on two. It's frankly quite selfish and e
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 07:01 PM Flag
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[+] MIL babysits regularly but I'm afraid in-laws are a bad influence on dcs. They curse... 34 replies
- to be with her than a babysitter. Kids love their grandparents, even if they curse and watch too much TV!...
- yep - they are the grandparents...
- rules you set will be broken anyway. The time w/ grandparents and the relationship is really important for your DC. Do...idea to say: "kids, you know those words that your grandparents use, well these words are inappropriate". How should OP...
Talk : : June 13, 2011
MIL babysits regularly but I'm afraid in-laws are a bad influence on dcs. They curse a lot, have tv on 24/7, drink soda all day, you get the picture. I need a good excuse to get a real sitter. Can't tell dh ten truth because he'll be hurt.
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.13.11, 10:24 AM Flag ]Have you thought about asking in laws to limit tv time or put on more music? I get your issue, and it feels like it is a balance.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:32 AM FlagI have asked them to limit tv and soda, but they seem to think as grandparents they can do what they want.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:42 AM FlagThey are right - let them be - they're not going to harm DC. Whatever rules you set will be broken anyway. The time w/ grandparents and the relationship is really important for your DC. Do not keep DC from their grandparents if they want to be part of DC's life.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:07 AM Flag
as your dh I would be hurt too - I am sure he thought he was raised by some very loving parents and for you to judge them like that....yea, I would be hurt. Do you honestly think that a sitter will give your child the love and support their grandparents will give them? If the soda makes you crazy ask them to limit what they give your child same for the TV and cursing - it does not hurt to ask in a gentle way
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:33 AM FlagDoes she sit for you on a set schedule (i.e. 1-2 times a week)? If so, then I can relate, it is hard to try and get them to stick to what you want. They want to be grandparents not sitters (my mother watches DD once a week). If they just sit for you a night or day here and there then who cares. More important child gets time with the kids. It's not going to kill them...On a separate note, have any of you giving this "talk to them" advice used your MIL or mother as a sitter? It's not as easy as you think...and generally they just ignore you anyway...
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:41 AM FlagHaha - this sounds like me. I always have NY1 on and drink tons of soda (DCs have no interest in either)! I don't think these are dealbreakers and if MIL is engaged and alert, I would say it is better for DCs to be with her than a babysitter. Kids love their grandparents, even if they curse and watch too much TV!
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:54 AM FlagOp: so what you are saying is I have no choice but to let dc spend 2 days a week with in-laws and they get to do whatever they want with him?
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 10:59 AM FlagYou can make your wishes known to MIL - just simply say that you'd love if they could limit tv to xx or give juice instead of soda (are they buying the soda and bringing it over?). Then you kind of just have to accept it. If you want the free sitting then you have to put up with some of the extras. There are day my DH could kill my mother but he is too frugal to get overly worked up about it. He even jokes with her that you get what you pay for and she just laughs because she knows she's doing what she wants and ignoring what we ask.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:08 AM FlagYES - and you should change your attitude. Be GRATEFUL for the free babysitting and that your DC has loving grandparents who want to be part of his/her life. You can set limits on soda intake for your child. One a week won't kill him/her and teaches the benefit of moderation. A little background TV won't be bad either. You may be trying to do what's "best" for DC - but what is truly best is for DC to have a great relationship w/ grandparents.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:10 AM FlagShe said that she is looking for an excuse to hire a sitter, so she would rather pay for a sitter than have "fee babysitting".
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:19 AM FlagBut she's missing the value of her child having that close relationship w/ grandparents. It's a gift that many don't get. She's being obsessive and silly about things that don't matter and considering sacrificing something that matters very much. And paying for it!
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:47 AM Flag
My dc is my #1 priority. I would never allow this. I wouldn't care how much dh or ILs would be hurt. I tolerate a ton from my ILs but swearing would cross the line wit me.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:03 AM FlagIf your dc is your number 1 priority than you should teach them tolerance and love - not to hurt the feelings of flesh and blood because of something as silly as cursing which I am sure they hear in many venues in the outside world.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:09 AM FlagYes - this makes sense. Keep them from loving family members because of words. Words that exist. Words that people use. Words that they will hear many times over in their lives... Ooooorrrrrr - as a parent, teach them which words you consider inappropriate and leave it at that. They are your kids. They're not going to turn into swearing machines just because other people are.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 11:50 AM FlagIf you apply your logic back to ILs you can also say that they can love and respect their DL and refrain from swearing, or giving soda to their grandchildren. This will make for a loving peaceful relationship in the whole family. I do not think it is a good idea to say: "kids, you know those words that your grandparents use, well these words are inappropriate". How should OP explain to her kids why IL use these words? May be to you swearing is ok and it is just words but these are YOUR values.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 12:16 PM FlagYour kids must be very young for you to think that you can shelter them from things like swearing. I don't accept swearing from my children. I can't say that I never swear - but I've cleaned it up since becoming a mother. My mother - different story. Would I swap having my mother in their lives for some fairy tale bubble world? HELL NO!
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 12:46 PM FlagI don't swear and neither does my dh nor do any of the grandparents. My dc are in elementary school. I don't think I can shelter my dcs from hearing swear words. My dc understands that all families and values are different and what is ok for some is not ok for them.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 01:21 PM Flag
why do you use ILs in the first place? can you change your schedule for a while so you don't need them, or sign the kids up for a special class? then have a sitter lined up for when prior schedule resumes? Or maybe start with getting rid of one day, then get rid of second day in 6 months. Just make sure you invite them to visit, include them in fun things with DC. They might actually appreciate not being responsible for your kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 01:32 PM Flag
[+] How common is it for a city kid to never learn how to ride a bike? 7yo ds shows no in... 21 replies
- Not everyone. DH grew up in the mountains - yes, a lot of people rode bicycles for exercise, but not the DCs - it was to steep for it ever to be fun. He only rode bicycles when he visited his grandparents (DC suburbs)....
Talk : : June 12, 2011
How common is it for a city kid to never learn how to ride a bike? 7yo ds shows no interest and the park isn't close enough to inspire him to try it. Will he eventually feel left out if he never learns or is it fairly common? Thoughts? tia
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.12.11, 06:12 PM Flag ]Yes, he should learn eventually- just like he should learn to swim.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:17 PM Flagop. I don't really get the comparison here. When would he need to ride a bike to save his life?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:18 PM FlagI didn't mean to say they were both of equal importance- they are just 2 things that he should be able to do as an adult in my opinion. What if he wants to study abroad in Europe for a semester- chances are he'll be wanting to get around by bicycle like everyone else. Just one example. It's a skill that a person should have, and it's probably harder (and more embarrassing surely) to try to learn as an adult or a teen even.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:20 PM Flag
Don't you ever plan on leaving the city for a weekend or a vacation?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:18 PM FlagDH and I don't ride (though we know how) so that's not an activity we would pursue anyway
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:20 PM FlagBut at some point in childhood didn't you enjoy riding a bike? I would try again in a year, it is much easier at 8 or 9 anyway, should pick it up very quickly. And the city has a lot to offer bike-wise - Hudson river path is fun. He should learn. He will feel a sense of accomplishment and he might really enjoy it.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:24 PM FlagYes, EVERYONE rode bikes when I was a kid. It was just what you did. And I loved it. But he's the kind of kid who will only get interested if his parents are doing it which means a big investment since we don't have bikes. Plus he's not an outdoors kid at all so it would take a lot to get him to the park in the first place. I just don't know if it's worth it
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:28 PM Flagnp: I think it is worth it (just rent them at the beach for a week on vacation- he can learn in a week, and you won't have to buy). I agree with above posters, it is a skill he should really have, or it will be odd for him to be an adult who cannot ride a bike.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:33 PM Flagop. It's sounds very strange to hear this bc my ability to ride a bike has never once come up in my adult life. (I thank you all for the input though!)
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:42 PM FlagBut it DID come up growing up and gave you great pleasure. At 12, at 15, at 20 when his girlfriend wants to take a bike ride with him, at 22 when he is in Italy and meets a friend to ride along the coast -- maybe it won't come up as a middle-aged adult except to be able to teach his kid o ride a bike also, and enjoy a pleasure of youth.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:57 PM Flag
Yes, it is worth it. Go as a family and rent bikes at Governor's Island one weekend, or at Charles Street and then ride along Hudson river, etc. You don't need to buy, can rent, and make some outings of it. Kid should know how to ride a bike. You can wait a year, guarantee you at some point he will want to learn. Even most city kids learn to ride bikes, yes, and as a teen or in his 20s when all his friends can ride and he can't because you didn't bother or think it worth it, he will be annoyed with you.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:40 PM Flag
Idk, but I try to get my kids into ice skating b/c others do this too. You never know in life when a sport/talent/ability will help or hinder their social development. Of course it's not necessary to ride a bike, but once you learn you do know for life. Its a fun thing to do and exercise is great. I don't see why you wouldn't try to get them to learn at some point.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:53 PM Flagop. I would LOVE for him to learn! I was just wondering what the norm is in the city since I didn't grow up here
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:56 PM FlagI didn't grow up here either, but many friends and relatives did, and they all know how to ride a bike. They learned to drive late if at all, but bikes, yes. They may visit a friend in Fire Island, participate in a bike-a-thon, go to a college where everyone bikes around campus, etc. Yes, teach your kid to ride a bike by age 10.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:59 PM Flag
bike riding inspires confidence in what you, your body can do. it physically feels really good. there are places that do bike riding intensives--a weeklong "camp" where they learn to ride, learn all the safety stuff kids do now, and have fun with other kids on bikes. it's something kids who don't enjoy team sports can do well. in terms of lifetime activities, bike people tend to be cool and functional (dope fiend messengers notwithstanding)
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 11:16 PM Flag
[+] I want my husband to lose some weight. I prefer skinny guys with a bit of muscle (no... 106 replies
- Too bad. You are in the perfect situation with grandparents nearby. You have to get him jogging, you can still chat. And eventually running. How far away is the gym? Go together to a spin class in the evening or something....
Talk : : June 12, 2011
I want my husband to lose some weight. I prefer skinny guys with a bit of muscle (not too much). Think the physique of Adam Levine. This is what DH looked like when we met and when we got married. When I got pregnant he put on some weight, and most of it is still there. He is not overweight, but he is not skinny either. I think that if he lost 15 lbs, he would get back to the way he used to look before. How can I help him? I cook healthy food at home, but he eats a lot of junk during the day. We have kids and jobs and not much time to exercise. We got for a walk (2 miles) every night, but it's leisurely and doesn't count. Any advice? Am I being a total jerk?
106 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.12.11, 04:11 PM Flag ]No more walking. Take a jog every night. How old are dcs. Can you get a jogging stroller? Or a babysitter. You have to run to shed those pounds.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:13 PM FlagOP - DCs are 7 and 4 and go to sleep at 8. My parents live next door and come over if we want to go out, so that's not an issue at all. But we are pretty lazy, and prefer walking, since that gives us a chance to talk.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:15 PM FlagToo bad. You are in the perfect situation with grandparents nearby. You have to get him jogging, you can still chat. And eventually running. How far away is the gym? Go together to a spin class in the evening or something.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:17 PM Flag^^Single mom. I only get to go for a run on weekends. Totally jealous of your situation.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:19 PM FlagOP - We don't go to the gym. We live near a park with a perfect track for walking and jogging. Two miles with no cross walks. We also have a full finished basement with a lot of empty room, and I was thinking of making a small weight gym there for him. Like, a weight bench or a squat rack or something like that. What do you think?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:20 PM FlagOnly if he wants a gym at home. Get him running. Running 30 minutes a few times a week for a month took 10 pounds off of me.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:22 PM FlagOP - He has a lot of weights, and he's mentioned that having a bench would help, so I am thinking of doing that. Because right now all that weight equipment is just sitting in the basement. Not sure how much he can jog. He had an injury in college, and his left knee is kind of week. Wouldn't want him to get injured. I was thinking of getting him membership to a swim club nearby. That's not as injury prone, and he would enjoy it (I think).
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:29 PM Flag
Sounds lovely. You sound incredibly lucky to enjoy talking with DH, to have living & healthy parents right next door; count your blessings and hush up about the weight. Don't nag DH and lose site of how good you have it; obviously too good, you are looking for problems, and they are trivial.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:19 PM Flag
Does he want to lose the weight? You are being a bit of a jerk over 15 lbs, since this is not a health issue, it seems, but a matter of your aesthetics. A little superficial. We all age.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:17 PM FlagOP - he DOES want to lose weight, but he is not putting in any effort. I know that we all age, but I still look the way he wants me to look, even though it's taking more of an effort. I agree, it's not REALLY a matter of health yet, but if he keeps gaining weight, it could become that. FWIW, his father was an athlete throughout HS and college, and had that same skinny, lean body type, and now he is severely overweight.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:19 PM Flag
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OP - He is 33, and 6ft tall. Not sure about his exact weight, probably around 170.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:37 PM Flag-
OP - Again, not sure about the exact number. I will ask him. But he always talks about the extra 15 lbs. His body hasn't changed too much except for the gut. I guess that's typical when men put on weight. But as I mentioned in a different response, that's how it started for his dad, and now he is borderline obese and had diabetes (and his dad is in his 60s).
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:53 PM Flag
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OP - best shape of my life. I'm 5'3" and weigh 115 lbs, which looks really good on me. (When DH and I met, I was actually a bit heavier). I have big boobs and a big butt, which can't be helped, but otherwise, I look pretty good, and he says so. As I said above, I don't have much time to exercise (and I hate exercising) but I am able to monitor my caloric intake and am pretty meticulous about not overeating. So I can keep the weight off. He eats fast food and enormous portions throughout the day, so he just keeps packing on the pounds.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:22 PM FlagYikes I am 5'6" and 105-110 and your weight would be too big for me. Lucky you're not married to my husband. He is used to better.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:24 PM FlagOP - Yikes indeed. But my husband is happy with how I look, and so am I.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:25 PM FlagI don't know, in real housewives figures, you're built like Vicki.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:28 PM FlagOP - I haven't seen that show, but I will look it up. I think I'm pretty skinny, and am happy with this weight. 5 fewer lbs wouldn't hurt, but it's not urgent. I wear a size 2 or a size 0, although since my boobs are a C cup, I do have to have some dresses tailored. Not a problem, though. My clothes look nice on my, and my BMI is well within the normal range.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:31 PM FlagMine are c/d and I work out, so my butt and abs are toned. Your dh is probably too sweet and polite to complain about you. Take a lesson.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:33 PM FlagOP - I doubt it. DH and I are very honest with each other. If something is wrong and needs fixing, we address the issue.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:34 PM FlagDoubt it. Ladies bums that don't work out are not cute. Maybe he averts his eyes. Try it.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:36 PM FlagOP - Hmm, I understand that you are trying to make me feel bad to prove a point, but this is hardly constructive from my perspective. I've struggled with my weight since my teen years, and am quite happy with the state of my body right now. Sadly, my husband can't say the same, and I hope that I can do what I can to help him get back to his best.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:40 PM Flag-
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I think you are in good shape. Not sure about that other anorexic poster, but it sounds like you and DH are both happy with your appearance. Now you just have to help him get to the same point. Maybe pack him a lunch so that he doesn't buy crappy food when he is at work? I started doing that for my DH and he lost 10 lbs in two months, which is pretty good since he doesn't work out.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:39 PM Flag
Are you fucking other men now? Will you start if he doesn't shed the 15 pounds? And if so, does he realize he's "on probation" and if he doesn't shape up (literally), the bedroom door opens to better looking guys?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:21 PM FlagOP - I am not fucking anyone else, and I won't start. I just want him to look good and be healthy. His dad had the perfect body too when he was young. Now he is borderline obese and has diabetes. Yes, a lot of it is aesthetic, but it's also an issue of health.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:23 PM Flag
I can't believe people are flaming you. What hypocrites! We all want to be in shape, it looks better and if you don't maintain it, you will suffer in your old age. I'm not talking about skinny because I know some women who are a size 10 who have gorgeous bodies, but they are in shape. It's ok to want your husband looking his best whether he needs to lose 15 or 50 lbs.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:34 PM FlagOP - And he does talk about losing his "baby weight." A lot of it sits in his gut, which is how his dad started gaining weight in his 30s too. He also talks about not fitting into his old college jeans. So, it's not all me. We all want to look our best.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:36 PM FlagDon't worry. When the young girl at the office starts giving him the eye, he'll lose it quickly!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:38 PM FlagOP - Why so mean? Did my post upset you somehow? I am just looking for useful advice, but you are being really harsh, and I am not really sure why.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:43 PM Flag-
OP - How did I phrase it? My husband used to have an awesome body. Now he put on weight and doesn't. I want to help him have an awesome body again. We all want to look our best, and we are all happiest when we feel and look good.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:51 PM Flagnp: put photos of you and him from the "awesome body" days on the fridge
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:53 PM Flag-
women post this about themselves all the time. read the poster above who suggest that OP needs to lose more weight!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:54 PM Flag-
Many of us struggle with our weight, men and women. I actually think OP is being supportive, and is trying to think of ways to help her DH. I guess people are upset because she phrased it in terms of appearance. But I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your husband/wife to look good. Read all these "no longer attracted to DH, no sex life" posts. Isn't that worse?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:58 PM Flag
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Don't listen to the crazy underfed troll. Your body sounds perfect. And your DH sounds pretty hot too. The beer gut is not attractive, but a lot of men in their mid 30s get that because of poor nutrition and lack of exercise. I like your home gym idea. Also, see if you can pack him a healthier lunch several times per week (or encourage him to do it himself). Do you pack your lunch when you go to work?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:49 PM FlagThis post makes me so sad. Your DH sounds fine, and I can't believe people are so superficial.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:12 PM Flagwhat if he put in 30 lbs? 40? 50? at which point does it stop being superficial? people don't become obese overnight? it starts in your early 30s, 10 lbs, then 15, and so on. If you are gaining weight, you need to make changes in your life to address the problem. This accusation of being "superficial" is one reason why our country is currently suffering from an obesity epidemic. No, it's not Ok to be fat.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:16 PM Flag
Too bad this post got hijacked by pro-fat people. I need to help several men in my life lose weight. My DH needs to lose about 20lbs, my dad needs to lose about 35. I think that losing weight is different for men than it is for women. For women, diet is usually the key factor. Cutting out carbs and fat. For men, it's different. They need to focus more on physical activity and low-fat high-protein food. If you are still reading this, OP, maybe make an appointment for DH to see a nutritionist. I am planning this for my DH and dad.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:21 PM FlagMy husband is only 5'9" and gained 15 or so lbs. Extra weight on a shorter man does not look good. He now weighs 185. I wish he would lose it. For his height he should be btw 165-170. I'm less attracted to him and I honestly don't think he cares. He loves his carbs and doesn't workout as much. I don't know why men get away with gaining weight? It's so unfair.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:18 PM Flag
[+] Theres so much racism on this board. DISGUSTS ME!! Latinos, blacks, other minoritit... 100 replies
- Um, did you read this sentence? "So part of the explanation for the gap may lay in the widespread discrimination in housing, education and employment that African American children's grandparents faced."...
Talk : : June 12, 2011
Theres so much racism on this board. DISGUSTS ME!! Latinos, blacks, other minoritites care about there children and children's education just as much as the Asians, the Jewish, and the Indians.
100 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.12.11, 06:37 AM Flag ]-
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Well, in NYC or the surrounding areas, it would be the test scores for schools that are predominantly Hispanic, Black, Asian, Indian, White, etc. The schools that are predominantly Asian perform much better than schools that are predominantly Black, regardless of income.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:43 AM Flagmay have more to do with the design of the test than the parental care/influence on education.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:44 AM FlagAre the tests being designed with Asian students in mind nowadays? LOL
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:47 AM Flagvery funny. i meant the design of the test likely puts the latino/blacks at a disadvantage.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:06 AM Flag-
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/sats/etc/gap.html
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:10 AM FlagUm, this article is basically saying that it is the parents' fault that black children do not perform as well.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:12 AM FlagUm, did you read this sentence? "So part of the explanation for the gap may lay in the widespread discrimination in housing, education and employment that African American children's grandparents faced."
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:13 AM FlagFor real, I hate when people try to make this ridiculous argument -- I have both Jewish and Irish Catholic ancestors and while they experienced discrimination when they first came here, it is absolutely not on the level of slavery and Jim Crow. HATE when people do that, it shows such a shallow understanding of this country's history.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:15 PM Flag
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This is a tough town for white supremacists. Why not move to Idaho or something? You clearly have no value for elevated thought processes, so you'd be in great company with the racist parrots on those militia compounds who are trained to spew "statistics" and "facts" which prove the "inferiority" of minorities. You should already know that no one can keep a good Jew down and the Asians will always be the bane of your existence b/c they are forcing you to acknowledge them via superior grades, degrees, jobs and then by stealing your men! I wouldn't spend too much time lamenting the failures of the Black community b/c their successes are on the rise. Just as soon as the traditional patriarchal family structure becomes the norm among Blacks you will lose them as your token excuse for all that is wrong with society. That will take some doing because no other culture has had as much damage done to the value of their familial relationships, but it will happen...better run for the hills racists!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 01:16 PM FlagStatistics only show that they are, in general, less successful at making sure their children are properly educated -- not that they care less. Also, it's a cultural thing, not a racial thing. The children of recent African immigrants tend to be very serious, focused, and successful because their parents still have that "fresh off the boat" immigrant drive.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 03:45 PM FlagOh, and to the people who think they are being "honest" by stating what the stats say, you are also showing you have no respect for the minorities in question. How many times do people skirt around the truth for the sake of being polite or respectful. It's only in cases of political affiliations, race and religion that people are okay with stating "the truth" about people for whom they hold no respect.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:30 PM Flag
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I do my best to judge everyone on an individual basis, you should all do same.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:41 AM FlagAre you really trying to argue with the fact that some ethnicities (OK, Asians) value education above all else?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:46 AM FlagIm arguing against sterotypes, like all Asians this or all Latinos this.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:51 AM FlagStereotypes are never about "all" of anything. They are general guidelines and in this case, are backed up by statistical data. Everyone is aware that there are exceptions.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:53 AM FlagYou seem to be contradicting yourself. On the one hand "stereotypes" are never about 'all' of anything" yet at the same time the"exceptions" are the minority. I've come to the conclusion, that people who hold "racist" attitudes are comfortable with them and will find any and everything to support their beliefs and dismiss any evidence to the contrary as an "exception."
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:21 AM FlagRidiculous. Stereotypes are short-cuts for lazy people not willing to get to know individuals or individual circumstances. And while I cannot argue the disappointing statistics, I think it's unfair for every black person or latino person to then have to prove that they don't fall into the parameters of the stereotype. It's the idea of innocent until proven guilty -- intelligent until proven otherwise. As a black woman who belongs to an immigrant family which values education above all else (on both parents' sides) and is friends with AA black who also have the same ideals (we met at Ivy university), I cringe when I read these posts.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:11 PM Flag
Racists have a hard time knowing when they are acting racist due to an inherent physical or mental deficiency, but that is just one more reason why they are not as smart as the rest of us.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:24 AM FlagSome people have an inherent physical or mental deficiency that enables them to disregard factual data when making decisions.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:27 AM FlagSome racists cling to false interpretations of factual data, such as in the history of the field of phrenology, in order to justify their racism. But this is just further evidence of their lack of intelligence.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:34 AM FlagSo how is it a false interpretation of data to say that schools that are predominantly Asian perform better than schools that are predominantly black? What do you believe the reason for this is? Are you saying that you don't think it has to do with how much the parents value education?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:37 AM Flagits cultural not genetic. But the stereotypes are still accurate. Not 100% accurate of 100% of the people but generalizations are often statistically true.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:48 AM FlagIf you are *really* interested in urban poverty and inequality, there are some great resources in public policy that help to explain the connection between poor performance in schools and lowered employment rates of certain populations. The Russell Sage Foundation and Brookings Institute are two websites to start investigating the connections between underemployment and poor outcomes for red-lined communities. Did you know that it is likely that it will take another nine years before black employment reaches the same level it was at in 2000? (Russell Sage Foundation) Do you understand that there is a disconnect in some communities between education and professional achievement--meaning no matter what education level is reached by persons in a given community, they are always employed less or paid less than others who have the exact same qualifications. This is where racism is most insidious and opaque and its implications hardest to sort out.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:53 AM FlagThe same could be said about women. Btw, this is not an issue of poverty as Asians are among some of the poorest in NYC. Still, it is a fact that IN GENERAL, Asian parents value education more than black parents.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:57 AM FlagThis is such a sad statement. It is tantamount to saying "Black parents don't care about their children." I've worked in the field of education for a very long time. I have yet to see any parent who does not care about their child's education and/or does not want the very best for their offspring. They may not have the skills, knowledge, understanding or awareness to make it happen as fully as others, but that is not an indication that they don't care.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:02 AM FlagIt's not a sad statement to say that black people don't have the skills, knowledge, understanding or awareness to help educate their children?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:05 AM FlagYes, of course that too is regrettable. However, it seems to me that the underlying sentiment to so many of these posts, prefers to indulge in the idea that "Black people don't care, they know better, they just don't care."
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:14 AM FlagSo you prefer to say that they just don't know better. I'm not sure which one is worse.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:23 AM FlagThat is so not what "I" said. I said other people seem to think "they do know better, they just don't care." I think there are a host of factors as to why some black families experience adverse conditions that result in lower levels of educational and financial achievement or success, including factors of personal responsibility and accountability. However, I also think that's a discussion that is far too nuanced for this board, and right now, I don't have the time or inclination to indulge.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 09:08 AM FlagI don't think that's what OR is saying. I think what she is trying to say is that some of the minority families not having gone through the system or the best systems do not know the tricks of navigating it. Look at all the people here jumping through hoops to get their kids into schools and trying to coach without really coaching them on the ERB. And think about the college application process. We all know it's become far more than just about a child's potential. It's become in part a game. If a parent never played the game herself, how then would she have all of the tricks (not skills) to get her child through it. That's why there are programs like prep for prep. And I'm not saying that all black and Latino parents don't have those skills, but I'm speaking in terms of the people who make up the stats.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:37 PM Flag
np: It pains me to say this, but I'm not sure I can agree with this statement. I have been a NYC public school teacher for the past 7 years in a middle school that is about 70% AA. I do believe there is more of an emphasis on education amongst the parents of my Asian and white students.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:19 AM Flag
Wakw Up OP: The jews do everything perfectly, they even hate, discriminate, and exile perfectly. PLEASE!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:42 AM FlagThe truth behind so many of these posts, is the belief many hold that essentially African-Americans are inherently inferior to others. This argument rears its ugly head every so often, particularly in times of real economic stress. Charles Murray, Dinesh Souza and others have made a fortune promulgating various facets of the argument. It fits in with the belief systems of a lot of people, hence their comfortability with "black parents don't care about education."
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:39 AM Flagnp - I agree in that perhaps racism is the "truth" behind many of these posts. However, I do think that it's necessary to acknowledge the relative lack of family support re schools in the underprivileged black and hispanic communities in order to then address it and actually do good for those kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 09:08 AM FlagITA. Everybody can acknowledge it, but the problem is a willingness to do something about it. There are those who feel, not my kid, tough shit.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 09:13 AM Flag-
I am not sick of race business but I don't like illegal immigrants and people who can't pay attention to their kid's education suck my tax payer dollars. When you make money and buy a TV, do you buy it for your home or your neighbors ? When I pay major tax dollars then I want better facilities for areas of my interest instead of medicaid and failing schools. I am not racist but just born republican.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:50 PM Flag
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why are you surprised? i'm aa, ivy under & grad, blah blah blah. i've never seen an ib firm or law firm that was not racist, sexist, and homophobe in its corporate culture. the wasp make anti-semitic comments ALL the time. this board is like life in nyc with the exception of women not being crapped on, why? it's mostly all women here. find a male or men's blog that was NYC-centric and you'll learn the truth of the dim view most men in nyc have of women at home and in the work place.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 11:48 AM FlagBlatant racists don't bother me as much as people that say racist things and then say they aren't racist. Or the posts that defend racists posts. There is a really funny site called www.notracistbut.com. If you say racist things you are a racist and this site has plenty of racist moms.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 12:26 PM Flagmy fear is that this is not a ub phenomenon, that it's the anonymity here that allows people to voice what's really on their minds. so maybe we ought to be disgusted with pervasive, unstated racism everywhere, and this is just a weird window into small minds.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 01:25 PM FlagSorry, but blacks and latinos by and large don't give a shit about their kids' educations. Signed, public school teacher.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:09 PM FlagThis is one reason why tenure needs to be done away with. Signed, public school parent.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:19 PM FlagSeriously? A teacher makes a politically incorrect (yet accurate) observation and she deserves to lose her job? Get over yourself.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:32 PM FlagI said get rid of tenure, not that the teacher should lose their job. They should lose their job, however, if his/her racism interferes with teaching all of the students in the class to her/his best ability. It should be clear that a bigoted teacher is not an excellent teacher.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 04:50 PM Flagnp: I would never want such a person teaching my children, if that's what they think. Vile.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:17 PM FlagIt's the accuracy of the statement that is problematic. Statistics are numbers but children are individuals. Would you like your teacher to make assumptions about your child based on the fact that you are rich or poor or some other thing? I think not. You can justify the veracity of this statement till the cows come home but a teacher to say and believe this is truly unprofessional.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:32 PM Flag
And you think that a child would not sense this attitude. What about the black kids whose parents do care? Do you have to wait to see that they care or do you just automatically presume that they don't care until you see otherwise? Do you not see the problem in your statement and beliefs? Do you also not see that if children sense these attitudes that they may take on a "why even bother" attitude if they feel that they don't stand a chance anyway? If they probably aren't as good as other races why try? Terrible. Thank goodness I encountered open-minded and intelligent teachers. It's teachers like you who will make me a "PITA" parent so that they know that I expect the best for my children and I love them as much as any parent of any race!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:19 PM Flag
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[+] Are you closely related to someone with a substance abuse problem? Is it in every fa... 25 replies
- Yup. My paternal grandparents, dad, aunt (recovering for over 20 years) and likely my brother although it hasn't really declared itself yet. I am insanely cautious about drinking but I don't really have an addictive personality so I think I may have...
Talk : : June 11, 2011
Are you closely related to someone with a substance abuse problem? Is it in every family?
25 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.11.11, 08:33 PM Flag ]I think DH has alcohol dependence. His brother and sister are recovering alcoholics. Very difficult for me as he is in denial. "Chains drinks" beer at least 6-8 daily
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:35 PM FlagThat sure sounds like alcohol dependence to me. So sorry. My dad was an alcoholic. It's awful to watch someone drink and be helpless to stop them.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:37 PM FlagI talk to him about it pretty often rationally pointing out health issues etc.. he is nowhere near his brother who is now an AA sponser and success story. It is very frustrating and I feel he would never forgive me if I mentioned it to the brother..like a betrayal. Thinking of going to AlaNon; jackass when he drinks
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:40 PM Flag
I think a lot of people have these people in their family. I do. I also have several family members with mental disabilities or disorders.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:36 PM FlagYup. My paternal grandparents, dad, aunt (recovering for over 20 years) and likely my brother although it hasn't really declared itself yet. I am insanely cautious about drinking but I don't really have an addictive personality so I think I may have escaped it.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:40 PM FlagOf course not in EVERY family, but it's certainly common. None in my family or DH's to my knowledge. My side doesn't drink at all. They aren't opposed to it. It was never expressly stated that they were against drinking (or smoking cigarettes, or anything), but no one does. DH's side drinks socially on occasion, but not often or in excess.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:20 PM FlagYes, and I think so. Something like 20 percent of the population?
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 01:34 AM FlagMy brother smokes constantly (cigarettes and marijuana) and my 75 y.o. mother is addicted to her pain medication, but otherwise no.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 06:14 AM FlagYes. My mother drank heavily between the time I was 8 and 11. Went to AA for years, but hasn't in about 22 years. Just doesn't drink. My father (who didn't raise me) was a drunk. Died of liver cancer, from what I understand. Both their fathers were drunks, but neither of their mothers. My mother's father (who didn't raise her) was dead at 64 (of what, I don't know--but my grandmother paid for his burial so her dd's father didn't end up in a pauper's grave), but my father's father lived into his 90s (didn't drink at all once he was in his 50s--when he died, there were antique, sealed bottles of gin and vodka with $1.99 price tags found in the liquor cab, so obviously the temptation passed)
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:11 AM Flag
[+] bikinis for preschooler: yeah or nay? At what age can a kid wear a bikini? Do you thi... 28 replies
- I think for a three or under child, just bottoms are good. Our grandparents did this. No one cared if a five year old; boy or girl, wore anything but bottoms. Though, I think deliberately putting a tiny top on a small child is saying more then there is. There are no breast to cover on a two year old....
Talk : : June 11, 2011
bikinis for preschooler: yeah or nay? At what age can a kid wear a bikini? Do you think people judge the parent for the child's bathingsuit being
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.11.11, 12:07 PM Flag ]I don't love the look, but I don't have strong feelings either way. Some people will judge, yes.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:09 PM FlagI think for a three or under child, just bottoms are good. Our grandparents did this. No one cared if a five year old; boy or girl, wore anything but bottoms. Though, I think deliberately putting a tiny top on a small child is saying more then there is. There are no breast to cover on a two year old. Nor is the two year old aware there may be.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:15 PM Flagi think my dh would freak out if i bought one for my daughter, but i def wouldn't judge any other parents for doing so! they're babies, they can wear whatever they want.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:17 PM FlagMid-day sun exposure scare me too much. Regular bathing suit for kids. We use a beach umbrella, but no preschooler wants to be lame and stay under one.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:37 PM FlagTankinis are handy for more coverage and ease of going to the bathroom.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 01:03 PM Flag-
I think it's cute on a preschooler, my dd had one at 2. She also had the tankini ones for using the bathroom. After 4 or 5 tho, we do one piece or 2 piece w/rash guard. The problem is that everyone else seems to let their girls wear bikinis and mine look Amish in comparison.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:43 PM FlagI hate it. I think it looks really weird, and is kind of creepy or something. I also want to keep my kids more covered up than that in the sun. Mine wear one pieces and an SPF swim shirt. The soonest I would even think about them getting a bikini is when they were old enough and interested enough to ask. Then it would depend on a few factors, but I definitely don't see a reason to start it before they specifically ask about it.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:43 PM Flag
[+] What do you think is the cause/turning point that changes a person from a shinging ex... 14 replies
- I did not become nasty, dangerous or hurtful but I did go from being a positive, happy, loving person to a depressed and angry one after my mom died, and it is still hard, my friends all have their mommies still, the moms get to delight in being a grandparent, my wonderful, perfect, fantastic mom is gone and I will never be the same happy and at peace person I was....
Talk : : June 11, 2011
What do you think is the cause/turning point that changes a person from a shinging example of a good person (friendly, amicable, helpful, happy, moral) to a miserable person (nasty, depressed, abrasive, dangerous, hurtful)
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.11.11, 10:18 AM Flag ]-
I did not become nasty, dangerous or hurtful but I did go from being a positive, happy, loving person to a depressed and angry one after my mom died, and it is still hard, my friends all have their mommies still, the moms get to delight in being a grandparent, my wonderful, perfect, fantastic mom is gone and I will never be the same happy and at peace person I was.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 04:39 PM Flag
[+] IS THIS STEALING? - Person A had a verbal agreement with Person B that Person B was ... 11 replies
- Stealing, no. I'm assuming that it was a grandparent or ex-spouse that had your Mother holding on this money for you since you were a teenager. Yes the adults in this situation should have been more clear and responsible about where the money would sit, but I wouldn't call it stealing. If I...
Talk : : June 11, 2011
IS THIS STEALING? - Person A had a verbal agreement with Person B that Person B was supposed to give DH and I $25,000 at a certain point. When we went to get our funds in early 2009, we were told by Person B that she never put the money in the bank so it could earn any interest. Furthermore, she wasn't giving us any interest because she had lost a lot of $$ in the stock market. When we said we should get some interest, she said we had no right to tell anyone else what they should do with their money. Of course I agree with that but certainly feel we have the right to say what should have been done with our own money. What do you think? Should she have been decent enough to put the money in an interest earning account? Did she steal from DH and I and our DCs too by not doing this and paying us no interest?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.11.11, 09:23 AM Flag ]no. unless the agreement was that it would earn interest from a particular point, then no. and that said, what would the interest be at 1%- not worth the angst
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:28 AM FlagNo if you wanted to collect interest you should have said so in the first place.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:33 AM FlagStealing, no. I'm assuming that it was a grandparent or ex-spouse that had your Mother holding on this money for you since you were a teenager. Yes the adults in this situation should have been more clear and responsible about where the money would sit, but I wouldn't call it stealing. If I were your Mom I would want to know that money was tucked away somewhere safe, which would mean a bond or savings account. So the fact that it seems this was just part of her general funds is weird.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:42 AM Flaglegally, there's not really much you can do. 1) verbal agreements are really hard to enforce (turns into a lot of he said/she said)....was the 25k in exchange for something (if the 25k was for goods- then the ucc applies, and it had to be in writing to be legit). 2) she's right about the interest thing/not telling her what to do- its not your money until she gives it to you. she's just irresponsible, not legally liable. p.s. posts like this make me want to ditch my legal career and start a legal-advice reality show.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 10:04 AM FlagWas this money you gave her and she was "holding" it for you or is this money she said she would give to you at x date? if she was holding your money - then yes maybe,but you should have said so and if she had said she would give you 25K in 13 years, then no, no interest for you
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 10:08 AM Flag
[+] Help, my sister in law is a c&#t, I save that word for the worst. Anyway she treats m... 45 replies
- who cares if they're adopted. The grandparents love them and that's all that counts. NOW do they love your dcs? I personally grew up hating my paternal grandparents. They showed ZERO interest in us and you know what? I didn't care..didn't bother me. WHY? Because my maternal...
Talk : : June 11, 2011
Help, my sister in law is a c&#t, I save that word for the worst. Anyway she treats me and my family like crap and she thinks her family is the royal family. Anyway, my MIL, FIL worship her children and they have zero interest in ours. The thing is our kids are biologically ours where she was 44 yo pregnant the first time with twins and these kids look nothing like her at all. I mean they are white as white and she has the kinky hair dark feature. Would it be terrible if i just blurted it out during an argument that everyone knows she used an egg donor
45 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.11.11, 05:10 AM Flag ]that would be horrible for you to do. Who cares if they were conceived with a donor egg...who cares if they're adopted. The grandparents love them and that's all that counts. NOW do they love your dcs? I personally grew up hating my paternal grandparents. They showed ZERO interest in us and you know what? I didn't care..didn't bother me. WHY? Because my maternal grandmother gave us so much love it was enough to fill a void (if we felt there was a void)
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 05:47 AM FlagMy SIL is horrioble too. I can't stand her. She is fat, lazy and stupid. She wants everything handed to her on a silver platter and thinks my FIL should support her and buy her a new house because I work at a high paying job and she sits on her huge butt all day. That said, as awful as your SIL is, don't stoop to her level. She knows her kids were egg donor babies and it doesn't mean she loves them any less. Just deal with her the best you can and keep contact to a minimum. I fantasize about making cracks about my SIL's weight, but I force myself not to.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:29 AM Flag-
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woah, no need to swear at me, it was just a simple question.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:43 AM Flag-
Yes amazing how OP can think the word but not type it....so strange imo
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:46 AM FlagI saw a great bit with some comedian recently about how annoyed he gets by people typing/saying curse words in a censored fashion. Something about how it's unfair because they put the word in our head but don't take responsibility for saying it. In the context I heard it it was really funny, but is actually a very good point.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:07 AM Flag
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Why does it matter that she used an egg donor? Why would you say this? How do you even know that's what she did? My kids look nothing like me and I didn't use an egg donor. And that's all irrelevant as obviously this would be a completely immature and pathetic thing for you to do.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:08 AM FlagYou are awful. Do you really think you're better because your children are biologically your children? Who cares if her children were conceived using donor eggs--they are just as much her children as yours are yours.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:36 AM FlagI suggest you take a good, critical look at yourself and consider that maybe there's a reason your in-laws hate you.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:08 AM FlagI'm all for fighting shit with shit, but I draw the line at bringing children into it. My SIL is a "see you on tuesday" too but when I want to verbally slay her, I keep it between me and her but most times I just put her on ignore. She loves her children just as much as you love yours and she might smack the taste out of your mouth if you said something vile about them. And, you would deserve it. Fight fair or don't fight at all.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 11:56 AM FlagI would advise you to just step back and exhale. Write out your thoughts in a journal and let things be. No need to get embroiled into nastiness and create more negativity + animosity. Take a deep breath and let karma handle things if what your SIL has done is so terrible. After all, don't you think that by her not being able to have children with her own eggs is already a tough thing she might be dealing with.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:03 PM FlagI am certain that this woman, as unpleasant as she may very well be, has not done anything that would warrant the display of cruelty and venom that your suggested *solution* would exhibit. And before you do such a thing - ask yourself whether this owuld be one of those proud moments you would be willing to play back to your children on a videotape.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:59 AM FlagDon't be the very same thing you are accusing her of being. If she is so cruel as to warrant such a reaction, then just stay away from her. If you are like just about every other NYC mom and you are religious about yoga - truly listen to the message next time.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 09:01 AM FlagLet's say she DID use an egg donor to build their family - what business is it of yours? Why is their method of conception any of your business. These are their children, end of story. Whether they adopted, used a donor or a surrogate, or took in a friend or relative's children who needed a home, these are their children. Sounds like you're the one with the problem, frankly.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 09:04 AM Flag
[+] What happened to my life? I'm 35 years old witha db and my dh comes home from work an... 20 replies
- I agree. But both mine and DH's parents BEG to keep the kids, and grandparents who don't want to watch the grandkids on occasion seem weird to me. Or kind of sad or something....
Talk : : June 10, 2011
What happened to my life? I'm 35 years old witha db and my dh comes home from work and falls asleep. I haven't been out of the apartment past 7 in almost 2 years, lost my friends and never see my family.
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 06:26 PM Flag ]Awww - I feel for you. I'm going to be 31 and it sounds like I'm on your path. DH & I both drink too much after work and on weekends and go to sleep. Sounds like we both need an overhaul! Maybe reinstate date night weekly? Even if the date is take-out after kids are asleep? 2 DCs here - and I work full-time. I have no friends or time for anyone - including myself.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:30 PM Flagget a sitter 2x a month--have her come early on a sat or sun (before you are too tired), say 5pm and go out for 2-3 hours. Schedule it 2 months at a time. Once it is schedule you will stick to it
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:31 PM Flagthis is a great idea but you do know not everyone could afford hired help even 1x a month
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:32 PM Flagyes I do, my parents never went out and were miserable, which is why I made it a priority in my marriage. Which is also why I waited to have kids--I was terrified of not having enough $$$. Also although I have no family help (my parents are dead and my inlaws are 80), many people I know regularly have family watch kids
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:34 PM Flagyes it's great if you could get family or friends to watch your dc but they have to be willing. Hey I'm not saying hiring someone is not a good idea. It's a great idea but even those with great planning can find themselves in a financial pickle and can't afford to pay for a sitter and pay for a night out (I speak from experience unfort.)
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:35 PM Flagif family is able but not willing, that sucks and I would be pissed, and would say so. If they can't help out say once a month, then, they don't need to see their grandkids/nieces/whatever for mother's day/holiday. Example DH and I need to take older child somewhere next weekend (we both have to be there), I asked (but less asking more requiring SIL) she said yes. Last time she did something like this was 5 months ago. Yes I could have pd someone, but I feel like family (who lives nearby) should help. I find DH family to be lazy and not likely to volunteer--which is why I, on occasion, "volunteer" them for babysitting.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:44 PM FlagI won't beg anyone to stay with my kids. If they want to they will offer. With that said, my family (parents) will stay with my kids IF it's a situation that I really need a sitter (like a meeting, a Dr appt, ect). NOW if it's just for dh and I to go out for some alone time, my mom won't offer. She starts saying how she never dumped her kids on anyone and she was responsible. She says this so that I won't ask and she knows I won't ask. Like I said I won't beg anyone for help. This past April was the first time in almost 3 yrs that DH and I went out on a date night...and that's because he bought tix and my mom knew we couldn't lose that money. We are at the end of a huge financial issue that came about 4 yrs ago and I can't wait until it's resolved and we can afford to hire a sitter for the kids....and then I don't have to crave a night out knowing my mom who doesn't leave her house won't stay with my kids because SHE didn't do it when we were kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:49 PM Flag^^^ all paid off them I could afford to hire someone and not rely on anyone to offer or do a favor
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:50 PM Flagwho watches the kids during the day? are they in school? what annoys me about the in laws is that they did TONS of watching of SIL kids (like everyday and during summer weeks on end, and they live about 30 mins apart), but they are older now, but given this "history", I have no qualms about expecting them on occasion (by that I mean maybe 4x a yr)
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 06:54 PM Flag
np: That is so rude. It's not lazy. It's their choice. Nobody owes you babysitting.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 07:59 PM Flag
[+] Please Help Quick! I have a 5 yr old and I live with my family and not with her dad. ... 34 replies
- I am not fully understanding - you all live together and you do not believe this has happened before and it was not until you went away and they were staying with great grandparents that your 11 year old brother touched your 5 year odl daughter. What's he in therapy for? this or somethign else?...
Talk : : June 10, 2011
Please Help Quick! I have a 5 yr old and I live with my family and not with her dad. My dd just told me that my 11 yr old brother told her to take off her panties. He touched her butt but not her vagina. However, he seems to have masturbated in front of her. I am so out of this world upset, and heart broken. I just found out today and don't know if I should tell her father as he has kind of a bad temper.. please help me.
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 03:43 PM Flag ]Are you serious? This angers me to no end, because I was molested as a young child. You don't know what to do?? Um, how about call the fckin police, for starters? And what kind of mom are you, wasting time on this silly inane board when you should be taking care of your daughter and doing everything you can to make sure she is safe and never harmed again? You are an idiot.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 03:45 PM Flaghe's 11 not even 13 or 14, probably just curious. I would speak to your brother and I probably would not tell your daughters father, unless it was to have him speak to your brother
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 03:50 PM FlagDon't ever let your dd be alone with your brother again. And you need to tell your parents, because they really need to know if their child is molesting their grandchild. Your dd's father has a right to know as well. And call the police. Good luck, OP. So sorry for you and your dd. :(
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 03:51 PM Flag-
Im just in so much shock. My mother, dad, and I had been out of state for a funeral, so they both stood with her great grandma. She told me as soon as I got home. I was so angry, because I've talked to him about this. I want to tell him, but I feel like he's going to come and beat hell out of him. Im scared that if she mentions it to him and I havent told him, all the anger is going to lay on me. I was molested several times growing up, and Ive talked about bad touches with my dd, which is why she told me right away I think.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:01 PM Flagwhat happened so far is not your fault. but if you fail to respond appropriately now, what happens in the future to your daughter is your fault. obviously you don't deserve to get beat up for this, but you need to protect your daughter from her uncle, and you need to protect yourself from your ex! wow, you have some terrible people in your life. who can you trust? any good friends in town?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:04 PM Flag-
I've caught him watching porn before. But i've talked to him about inappropriate touches, just because growing up thats all you heard, a brother or uncle molesting the girls. Me and her dad are still together, and he's told me before to watch out for him around her, because this is prime time for these things to happen. I just cant take the pain and disappointment in him but especially myself. I was molested by a nanny when I was like 3, and I still remember that, theyre horrible visions, I dont want my dd to go thru the same.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:13 PM Flag
He's been out of school since friday or monday. Would you call the cops on him? Im not sure how that would play out. I've already told everyone else. He's already started therapy, and I cant afford to move out. I feel like im failing my daughter. And everytime i think about it I start to cry. She's such a sweet innocent girl.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:05 PM FlagI am not fully understanding - you all live together and you do not believe this has happened before and it was not until you went away and they were staying with great grandparents that your 11 year old brother touched your 5 year odl daughter. What's he in therapy for? this or somethign else?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:08 PM FlagNot that I know of. She's very vocal if something made her feel uncomfortable. Like when another little boy told her to give him a kiss, and we've read books about her body that had a section about inappropriate touches. He's in therapy because he has adhd, and is having trouble at school
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:18 PM FlagSomeone really needs to reach out to this 11 year old child before he grows up to be a creepy man. Therapy for ADHD probably will not touch on his sexual feelings/urges - maybe you should speak to the therapist and see what there recommendations are. What are your parents doing in regards to speaking to him about this incident?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:38 PM Flag
You cannot afford not to move out. Go stay at an abuse shelter for women. There are services out there to help you. Do not be a victim or let your DD be one.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:11 PM Flag
You HAVE to MOVE. Don't use "I can't afford it" as an excuse. Your daughter will never forgive you if you don't protect her. However much it costs you to move now, it will be far less than you'll have to pay in 10 years time when your DD gets pregnant, gets arrested, needs therapy, restraining orders etc. because she underwent harm as a little kid that impacted her future development.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:16 PM Flag-
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ita--do you have a friend you can stay with? You need to get your dd out of there and insist that your parents get your brother some help. If he does this with your dd, he'll probably do it with another small child as well. Good luck and do everything you can to protect your dd!!!!!
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:05 PM Flag
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[+] I have been very sick since Saturday, and haven't spent much time with my 3 y/o dd si... 7 replies
- a great time and is too busy. Children love spending time with their grandparents. I wouldn't take it personally unless dc didn't know grandparent well to begin with. Get well soon....
- a lot of kids at that age, and older, just don't like talking on the phone. my daughter adores her grandparents but will not talk to them when they call....
Talk : : June 10, 2011
I have been very sick since Saturday, and haven't spent much time with my 3 y/o dd since my mother decided to keep her this week while I get better. I am grateful that my mother is keeping her but am sad that i haven't spent this week with dd. When I call to speak with her, she refuses. Is my dd feeling abandoned? Am confused as to why she doesn't want to speak to me :-/
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 01:11 PM Flag ]
[+] I am over-protective but I don't know how to stop! The idea of "just let DC experien... 115 replies
- Yeah but she also says she has never once left him in the care of anyone else. Ever. Including grandparents, aunts, etc. And that she is terrified of the idea of telling him to go be alone with a "stranger", when someone mentioned that he won't do well on the ERBs if he doesn't know how to separate from his mom for 10...
Talk : : June 10, 2011
I am over-protective but I don't know how to stop! The idea of "just let DC experience that [difficult thing]" is untenable to me. So many people tell me, "my parents let me do ____ and I turned out fine," but I look at them and they are not fine.
115 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 11:28 AM Flag ]ITA. I often see it as an excuse for lazy parenting. Like letting your child walk in front of a swing to show "natural consequences." I want to say "Gee, I wish you were my mom."
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:32 AM FlagOk, I can see that for a 2 year old - you stop them from walking in front of the swings. But what about when they are older? The 5 year old I babysit for has no sense of his body in space. He moves very unsafely - walking backwards or running full-speed - then he falls down or runs into things and cries. I remind him that if he were walking safely, he wouldn't be hurt - but I can't force him to do it, he is just going to have to get sick of constantly falling down and crying.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:51 PM Flag
you need to stop,seriously. This is the single most damaging idea in parenting today and it is making a generation of children who can't think for themselves and are too scared of everything. I see this all the time as a teacher and it makes me cringe. I find this also usually comes from parents who are all strung out on the private vs. public/erb prep kind of thing. How can you expect your kid to be confident if they never are allowed to do anything? How do you expect your sweet little hot house flower to survive in the big world? Get therapy if you need to,but stop.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:34 AM FlagHave you read Wendy Mogel's The Blessing of a Skinned Knee?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:35 AM Flagyes, of course. Kids break bones,get stitches and get sick. It happens. You need to get therapy, if a simple fun slide down a slide throws you into a panic how will you handle junior high? Dating? College? the subway? Raising a fearful child is not healthy,do you want your kid to be scared all the time like you? I'm not trying to be harsh,but this will hold your kid back,esp if he is a boy. Nobody likes a mama's boy.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:42 AM Flag
your behavior is not about dc, it's about YOU. You think you're overprotective of dc, but really you're protecting yourself. YOU don't want to see DC get hurt, you don't want to have that moment of anxiety while dc is doing whatever fun thing he wants to do. If you were really concerned with protecting dc, you would encourage him to try and fail, to protect him from the real danger of being incompetent in the world. Imagine what life will be like for dc when you are gone, if you have always done everything to "protect" him from the real world.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:44 AM FlagOk, I don't want either of us to be hurt. I don't know how to change that feeling to "I am okay with us feeling hurt."
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:58 AM Flagyou don't have to be ok with you or your child being hurt. the point is you need to make a rational decision based on which is the worse hurt for your DC - the scraped knee for a couple of days or the lack of confidence for a lifetime. And when you make that decision you need to leave your own feelings out of it.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:10 PM FlagIntellectually I understand that, and a scraped knee we'd manage (I don't stop him from running outdoors). It's the grey areas... like I picture not going to him at night when he cries and think of him scared in the dark wondering where i am and why I'm not coming and that seems traumatic.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:16 PM FlagHe's not scared and wondering where you are, he is cranky and knows exactly where you are, and wants you to come in because he doesn't want to go back to sleep. Big difference- he'll be just fine crying it out! Hang in there momma. (Sometimes I'll peek in to make sure he didn't fall out of bed or something- and when I see him I'll say "it's night time now, you need to go to sleep" and then just shut the door and go back to my room... if laying eyes on him for a second would make you feel better I think that's ok)
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:34 PM FlagThis is an open debate and I think op is Within normal ranges on this but not on the slide. Signed a mom who was terrified of the dark and being alone as a 2 yo.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:38 PM FlagPoint taken. I have had a no nonsense approach with screaming in the middle of the night (as I said- quick check in to make sure everyone is alive- then back to sleep). But, I know that is hard for many. FWIW, how do you remember age 2?? I think my earliest memories are from age 4... maybe late 3.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:40 PM FlagMaybe because I was so scared lol! It is one of my earlies memories waking my mom to come into my room. I know I wasn't 3 because when I turned 3 they put a mattress under their bed and said if you're scared you can come in here and sleep on this but don't wake us up. And I did that for a long time.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:43 PM Flag
Wonder why some kids are scared and some are not - do you know if your mom always came to you when you were an infant and fussed? Wondering if it was because as an infant you did not learn how to self sooth and always relied on them? Truly curious on how not to have a scared child
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:54 PM FlagIt is likely she did but I don't know and she is dead now unfortunately. My dad was in the navy and away a lot and he doesn't remember well anyway. I have a lot of younger siblings and never saw them do CIO. But younger kids were rarely in a room alone.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:58 PM FlagGive me a break with the self soothing. Being afraid of the dark is completely age appropriate for two. You can't ignore normal childhood worries away.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:58 PM Flagyes it is appropriate but how they deal with it is learned by the parents - you run in every two seconds or sleep in their bed, they are going to be taking an really long time to get over something they should have gotten over quite easily if the parents would let them
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 03:18 PM Flag
but pain is part of life and how you learn. what are you going ot do when his homework is too hard? do it for him? can he never play a sport because he might get injured?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:17 PM FlagUnpreventable pain is part of life, yes. I would help with tricky homework - try other strategies of learning the material. Is that over protective too? Why do they have them do it at home if not to be able to ask for help. The sports I'm not sure... what if he wants to do trapeze or aerial with some of these fly-by-night circus outfits?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:25 PM FlagYou are being psycho nbd is unlikely to want acrobatics but likely to want normal sports. Say no to something that could result in a head or spinal injury more than by some truly freak occurrence. You seem to have issues differentiating between egress of risk and types of risk.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:35 PM FlagOk but what if he wants to play soccer, and you read about all of the ACL injuries that can happen during soccer, or hear about a kid who broke his ankle playing soccer?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:35 PM FlagBroken bones heal. Most kids will break a bone just accept it. ACL is a shame but unlikely for a young child and much less for boys than girls. People have it happen and deal with it. Can happen just horsing around too as it did to someone from college I knew. Worst effect is it hurts your sports career. But it doesn't leave you permanently limping or anything. I am the mom who said going to them in the night is fine.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:41 PM Flag
no, they do it at home to reinforce their learning and so the teacher can see if they learned what was taught or not -- not to see what Mom knows. Some day he will get something wrong.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:46 PM FlagEXACTLY. Thank you. Nothing irks me more when a kid hands in perfect homework 100% of the time but can't do the same problems on tests. Hello! Make your kid practice at home, with the textbook to help him (and maybe you to explain the textbook if really needed), and don't "make his life easy" by just doing it for him!
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:47 PM Flag
In what way are they not "fine"? Growing up sheltered is just another way of being "not fine."
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:47 AM FlagYou're right. I guess for me the question is which "not fine" is better. Seems it'd be easier to overcome a childhood of co-sleeping vs a childhood of neglect. To give a hyperbolic example.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:55 AM FlagVery hyperbolic example. And considering many moms think it's okay to co-sleep until age 6 or whatever, and no moms are being neglectful (in the real neglect sense, as in no food or water for the day... I doubt any UB moms are on that end of the spectrum)... I think moms just need to realize that what they are doing is on the far, far end of the overprotective/ spoiling spectrum.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:42 PM Flag
Learn to understand risk and the difference between high risk and low risk. You're assigning everything as a high risk whereas the odds of what you fear will actually happen are very low.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:53 AM FlagOp, you have to think of risk with 2 components: how likely is it, and how bad if it does happen. So maybe a high likelihood is ok if the consequence is a skinned knee. But even a low likelihood is nit ok if consequence is a cracked skull. But there is low and then there is statistically zero and those are not the same. I can also say life has a way of throwing at you the think you didn't foresee. You're trying to buy emotional insurance policies but you can't cover everything.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:50 PM Flag
you may think you are overprotective when you are not. what makes you think you are? what do you do exactly??
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:57 AM FlagHe has never been cared for by anyone other than DH and me. No babysitters, not even family. He has never woken up alone. Those are the major ones. Everything else I try to just do with him, like playground stuff and classes, but that's over-protective too.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:03 PM FlagAlso I have a hard time taking him for blood draws and well-baby visits.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:04 PM FlagWell, no mom enjoys bringing their 2 year old to the doctor- the 2 year old cries when the doctor examines him, shots hurt, he doesn't like having someone look into his ears... that is normal to not look forward to it. However, postponing the well visit or apologizing to your son excessively, a thousand times afterwords, as if he just underwent major multi-organ surgery would be over the top in my opinion.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:18 PM Flag
OP... oh my gosh, please, PLEASE let your child get out there a little bit. Preschool is going to be a massive shock to him and not a happy one. NO ONE else has ever cared for him? He's NEVER woken up alone in his room? Start immediately, like, tomorrow. Get a sitter (family member if you want). Have him fall asleep alone and wake up alone. Please.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:53 PM Flag
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Here's an anecdote for you. DH was once interviewing college summer interns. One told him that she'd have to ask her mom about her offer (DH told her never to say that again and just say you need time and immediately regretted hiring her), one brought his mom to the interview and she waited in the lobby (he didn't get the job), another was hired but seemed utterly incapable of doing anything that someone didn't explicitly tell him to do or hold his hand through. None of these candidates were independent at 21. Is that what you want DC to be?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:12 PM Flagtoo many kids like that now - my bosses kids can hardly get out of their own way sometimes, always calling her to find out what is the best way to do something or if they should do something...both in college it seems so strange to me - I really hope I am not doing that to my son who is only 6 right now
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:16 PM Flag^^Oh and I can't believe the one who had his MOM call to negotiate his offer. I couldn't believe that any 21 year old would think that this is remotely okay or that any mother would do this.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:17 PM Flagyes, and if you want him to do all those private school interviews he has to be confident enough to deal with strange situations. I have seen kids flunk the erb because they couldn't handle being in a room with someone they didn't know and were under the table the whole time screaming for mommy. Bright kids, too. Separation is also incredibly hard for those kids and you can't go to school with them.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:18 PM FlagI know; that worries me. But the idea of teaching DS to be okay alone in a room with a stranger is anathema too.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:22 PM Flag-
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at some point he will cry and ask you not to leave. and you will have to do it. start getting ready now.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:47 PM FlagAnd it's good for HIM, too- he will cry and beg you to stay, and then 3 minutes later after you're gone he'll be fine. And he also learns that it's okay when mommy goes away for a while. Yeah he'll still cry and beg you to stay sometimes, but each time he keeps learning it's okay to be apart. Let him learn that now, not at age 9 when he's scared to go to a sleepover because he needs his mommy. Poor kiddo!
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:49 PM Flag
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There is a big difference between telling him to go away with strangers, and passing him off to a specific adult and saying "go with the nice lady for a little while now". Just like sending him to a babysitter. Or an aunt that he has only met once. Or a friend's mom. If he hasn't been in any of those three scenarios... you should probably put him in them before the ERBs. Just saying.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:44 PM Flag
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I wish I could empathize but my dc has had so many medical interventions in his life that I think I'd long for regular drama. I know your pain/discomfort is yours--maybe just get some perspective? What exactly is of issue? Children learn from their mistakes, failures, discomfort too. You can't protect them from life.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:19 PM FlagI guess I feel like, with all of the bad stuff life hands you that you can't prevent, wouldn't it be nice to not be alone for it.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:29 PM FlagSo you're going to be by his side his whole life? Why not let him form relationships with little friends, other adults, etc. and that way he still will never be alone, but he will learn to survive without mom at his side 100% of the time? Or do you not want him to like being with others besides you?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:50 PM FlagIt's easier for the bad stuff to not seem so bad if you know how to cope with it. And he'll never know how to cope if you don't let him grow some independence.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:51 PM Flag
blue school is not good, I did a tour as a teacher, the kids run around like maniacs and there is no structure. Send him to a regular school,let him be a normal kid.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:29 PM Flag
OP: so your 2 year old is chasing bubbles in the park and isn't going to see the curb. He will faceplant from the grass to the sidewalk. Do you call out, "watch the curb?". I'm told it's over protective to do that (he doesn't learn to watch for the curb on his own.) But my husband will warn me too, if he thinks I don't see sidewalk poop or a big hole or something. Seems more normal to warn.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:33 PM FlagIt could be that you're calling for him to watch the curb when he is like, 12 feet from the curb. In which case I'd say that was over the top also. But if he's about to trip, of course it's ok to warn him. But remember that if he falls on the curb, I mean, oh well, he'll be ok.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 12:54 PM Flag
I'm like this too and can't stop. You can literally see the school from my house and I won't let my 10 yo walk there by herself. WTF is wrong with me??
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 01:54 PM Flag-
probably. I worry constantly and imagine every possible scenario that could go wrong. UGH.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:18 PM FlagThis is called catastrophizing and can be fixed. Check out doing some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) it can help make you aware of and fix faulty thinking habits that cause anxiety. If you think the worst is going to happen all the time you can never enjoy life and neither will your child. Please seek help.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:27 PM Flag
10? I thought you were going to say 5. Help yourself and get treated now, or before you know it she's going to be 14, with 16 year old friends, and not have any idea what is just dangerous in her mom's eyes but not in real life (walking an eight of a mile alone, while mom watches), and what is actually very dangerous (driving with a drunk 16 year old). She needs to learn to discern, and she won't do that if she's never alone, and has a mom who tells her very safe things are not safe. (Like the kid who smokes pot and realizes... hey, I don't die instantly from smoking pot like they tried to tell me all those years. Maybe they were also wrong about the dangers of heroin!)
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:22 PM Flag^^sorry, didn't mean to imply that smoking pot was "very safe"- I guess I was just thinking back to my southern public school upbringing, where they taught us abstinence, and all drugs = equally evil and wrong and might cause instant death. Which just made kids not believe that even really dangerous things were dangerous, once they learned that they were being lied to about relatively okay things being very dangerous.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:24 PM Flag
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Why are you equating cosleeping with being over-protective? Your dc is only two. The curly slide is really meant for bigger kids. If he wants to do it go with him until you are more comfortable. Im Often amazed that people leave their 1-2 year olds alone on a playstructure that's 6-8 feet off the ground.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 03:13 PM FlagYeah but she also says she has never once left him in the care of anyone else. Ever. Including grandparents, aunts, etc. And that she is terrified of the idea of telling him to go be alone with a "stranger", when someone mentioned that he won't do well on the ERBs if he doesn't know how to separate from his mom for 10 minutes (not that doing well on the ERBs should be anyones main concern in life, but her response to it was telling)
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:18 PM Flagthank you, that was me, and it usually snaps parents into reality. This woman needs therapy,her kid is going to be a nervous wreck. I had a very anxious mom in my class who had 3 year old with 3 blankies, a binky,special "transitional toys" and still ate in a high chair. Mom was the problem and the kid was nervous and spent alot of time manipulating her using tears. It was sad because he was a bright kid,but no one could really stand him,esp. his peers. He was so whiny and delayed in his play,Also could not make any choices for himself and wandered alot. It was sad.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 04:29 PM Flag
[+] Old Lady names that will never (or should never) be resurrected: 155 replies
- foreign grandparents - names would be meaningless on UB ;)...
Talk : : June 10, 2011
Old Lady names that will never (or should never) be resurrected:
155 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 09:21 AM Flag ]-
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Dorothy, Lucille (although I guess you could nn her Lucy if you wanted to honor someone), Linda
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:23 AM FlagLinda is from the 70s. But I agree that it should not be resurrected.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:25 AM FlagI think Linda is a nice name. Not that exciting, but waaay better than Phyllis, Ethel, Millicent or Dorothy
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:26 AM FlagNot from the 70s. I was born in 98 and didn't know a single Linda when I was growing up. Many among my mom's friends (born in the 40s and 50s), though.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:45 AM Flag
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don't understand WHY ppl like SADIE, ELEANOR and the other popular old fashioned grandma names
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:29 AM Flag-
Edith. I don't get the comeback. And if I meet another Edith Rose I'm going to hurl.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:36 AM Flag-
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all this thread goes to show is that everyone has different taste in names. i don;t see why we need to like other people's names. in fact, perception can change on a dime. if some hot model next year is named Gladys or Mildred, I'll bet you everyone will think differently of that name.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:56 AM Flag-
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When I was pg I considered Frances, but everyone I told said it was too old lady
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 10:22 AM FlagBarbara! And the nn Barb should never have existed. I can't believe Barbie's full name is Barbara! Yikes.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 10:23 AM FlagIt strikes me that so many of these names would indeed sound lovely in different accents or languages. Agnes in French sounds sweet. Patricia in Spanish sounds strong and beautiful.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 10:43 AM FlagHortense, Bertha, Ruth. (shudder) LOVE Agnes. Almost named my daughter that. We ran through all the saint's names.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:15 AM Flag-
My mom is Harriet and has never liked her name. I'd add Mildred, Sylvia, Beatrice, Phyllis...those are all that come to mind.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:45 AM Flag-
Muriel. Also agree with Edith, Enid, Gladys and Doris. The rest I think are fine and prefer them to Madison pale whatever.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 11:52 AM FlagI just can't wait until our young DCs take this survey and say: Stephanie, Jessica, and Michelle.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:01 PM Flagso many that are already popular but shouldn't be: Olivia, Eunice, Ruby, Olivia, Eloise -- I know many people have named their girls these names in an effort to be quaintly nostalgic, but they are just ugly names.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 02:24 PM Flag-
[+] Baby nurse question: I'm pregnant with twins and getting a 24 hr baby nurse for a few... 5 replies
- a real licensed and qualified nurse. I am a lactation consultant as well. I care for moms postpartum needs, and that of the babies as well. I do a great deal of teaching and newborn education for new parents. I am a cpr instructor and will gladly teach CPR to the new parents, grandparents, and nanny before I leave. I will shop, cook for the family, do laundry, and run errands. Debbie@travelingbabynurse.com I am fully licensed and insured....
Talk : : June 10, 2011
Baby nurse question: I'm pregnant with twins and getting a 24 hr baby nurse for a few weeks. Did you put a TV in the nursery where she'll be sleeping? I've heard it could be better so she won't always be out in the living room watching tv with me (and dh) but also don't know how the TV is for newborns if it's in their room.
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 08:06 AM Flag ]Newborns just care about eating and sleeping and pooping. Maybe you could get her a TV with headphones so she can listen at a normal volume. The babies' eyesight will not be very good in the beginning (they can only see well for about a foot, which is about the distance from the breast to the face so they can see and learn to recognize their mothers) so if they see the tv it will just be flickering lights.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:08 AM FlagI would defiantly put a small T.V room just to give everyone a little privacy.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:13 AM FlagI can help you if you are looking for a real licensed and qualified nurse. I am a lactation consultant as well. I care for moms postpartum needs, and that of the babies as well. I do a great deal of teaching and newborn education for new parents. I am a cpr instructor and will gladly teach CPR to the new parents, grandparents, and nanny before I leave. I will shop, cook for the family, do laundry, and run errands. Debbie@travelingbabynurse.com I am fully licensed and insured.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 01:30 PM Flag
[+] DS is turning 1 in Aug. and we're planning a birthday party (nothing extravagant, jus... 6 replies
- op: It is even more complicated bec. I'm wondering what to do about his paternal grandparents who have treated all of us decently....
- Invite DS's grandparents, definitely. Maybe you should discuss it with them....
- Invite the grandparents not the dad....
Talk : : June 10, 2011
DS is turning 1 in Aug. and we're planning a birthday party (nothing extravagant, just with close friends and family). I'm unsure whether to invite dh's dad who abandoned him when he was little, stole money from him recently and has generally treated him very poorly. Of course I asked dh what to do but he hasn't been very helpful in terms of giving me an answer. Anyone else in a similar position? What did you do? Did it work out well either way?
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 08:01 AM Flag ]Wha? Why would you involve a slimebag in your child's first birthday? Never understand people looking for trouble. The key word here is "recently". Had you said that this was water under the bridge, I'd say OK, you're magnanimous and that's great. But someone who stole money from your dh has also stolen from your child. Is that OK? No.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:04 AM Flagmy dh's father abandoned him a long time ago. my bet is your dh is likely wishes his father was involved in dc's life but has built up walls to protect himself from being hurt. this is going to be the first of many complicated things. and, ultimtely, your dh's father will let him down again if you let him back in. if i were you, i would tell him that it is your wish to not include him until dh tells you otherwise. that this will be the default position. BUT if he has a desire to open the door, you are happy to have his father walk back through it. however, you love and respect your dh enough to let HIM open that door.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:05 AM FlagNo, do not invite him. Your baby will not remember so it won't make any real difference to him. But if you invite DS's father he may ruin the party and you will feel terrible. If DS's father asks to come, then you can think about it, but do not ask him unsolicited. Revisit this next year when DS will be more aware. And see if DS's father gets better and starts acting like a father and not an asswipe.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:06 AM Flagop: It is even more complicated bec. I'm wondering what to do about his paternal grandparents who have treated all of us decently.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:08 AM Flag
[+] Sluttiest thing you have ever done? C'mon ladies,it's after ten... 61 replies
- Have blown DH: on a beach in Florida at midnight on New Years Eve (yes, there were other people around), under a table in the library at college, in my grandparents' laundry room while my parents were chatting with them in the next room....
Talk : : June 08, 2011
Sluttiest thing you have ever done? C'mon ladies,it's after ten...
61 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.08.11, 07:09 PM Flag ]-
gave a guy I met in a bar a bj in an alley. A few one night stands. Horrible (but long, long ago).
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:24 PM Flag-
Sex with a guy on the roof of my BFF's building. Met him in the elevator, took it to the top, found a stairway and kept going
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:27 PM Flag-
Let's see: Met a friend of a friend, hung out all day with him and his friends, went to a party, got real drunk, slept with guy. Next day drove 10 hours with him to New Orleans, had sex with him every day for a week for at least 6 hours a day. Left and never saw him again.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:28 PM Flagbut you google him once a week to see what he is doing in life
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:31 PM FlagNo. I did for about a year, but then I realized that even though it was the greatest sex I've ever had, it was never going to happen again, even if we met again. And then I met my dh and lost interest in past boys. I did find out after Katrina that he was okay.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:44 PM Flag
When I was 15 my friends and I went over to a kid's house I didn't know. He was cute, I stayed when they all left, guy and I ended up hooking up hardcore (did everything but intercourse.) After we woke up from a nap I had dinner with his family. That's not slutty, that's just weird.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:31 PM FlagI used to have a lot of sex in college while my roommate was sleeping in the next bed.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:34 PM Flag-
About 20 years old - got into fight with boyfriend who was a bit of a jerk. Went to party, did lines of coke. Met hot guy- shortly fooled around with him/slept with him but barely (condom kept falling off). Boyfriend comes over to make up with me after guy leaves party- we wind up having make up sex literally 3 hours after I slept with that other guy- then I got my period and bled all over my friends blanket. God- I know so so skanky- I am the most vanilla person now. Married Mr. Clean - thank goodness.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:36 PM FlagHave blown DH: on a beach in Florida at midnight on New Years Eve (yes, there were other people around), under a table in the library at college, in my grandparents' laundry room while my parents were chatting with them in the next room.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:45 PM FlagWas staying in Sicily with friends of friends, a couple, their 22yo son, and their 23yo niece. One night the father totally came onto me. I was grossed out and went to bed. The next night I slept with his son in the room he shared with his cousin (it was a big room, with a bookcase for privacy). The son had a girlfriend. Then 3 days later I slept with a guy in the son's band. Ah... Italy.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:51 PM FlagWas dating/f*cling 2 guys one very hot NYC summer while in grad school. Casual guy was banging the hell out of me when doorman buzzed to tell me more serious guy was downstairs. Told doorman to make him wait, kicked casual guy out, serious guy came up and I f*cked him the rest of the night.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:19 PM Flagi guess having a F*ck buddy.... in manhattan, 24... he'd invite me over, we'd order food - have sex. eat food. have dirty sex again. I knew this wasn't going anywhere, it was great sex though. When through a tough time with my DH last year and drunk emailed him - he did not take the bait (said he is happily married, daughter.. etc..). God that was good sex.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:30 PM Flag-
Met a guy at a bar, decided to bring him back to the dorm. He didn't want to have sex, but he wanted to watch me masturbate. I did. He decided to jerk off and came all over my stomach. My roommate knocked on the door and asked if I was interested in trading partners, her BF was in the next room. I said fine. I let her boyfriend go down on me and she fucked the guy I picked up. We sent them home and shared a corned beef sandwich at Cosmos diner on 23rd St. I can't pass that place now without thinking of that night.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:35 PM Flag
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[+] I've had it with our families. Tell me what you think. We ask *nothing* of either sid... 10 replies
- "undertand" why we decided to stay in the city with kids and are constantly telling us we should move to the burbs. it's almost like they are punishing us and dcs for not listening to them, so they never come see us in the city. if we need grandparents or relatives to watch our dcs, even just for an evening, we have to trek to the burbs. they come to the city for work (dhs only) or to see a show every few months, and even then, don't come by....
Talk : : June 08, 2011
I've had it with our families. Tell me what you think. We ask *nothing* of either side of the family, one side in nj, the other in LI, we live in Manhattan. We travel to them for holidays, events, dinners, they NEVER come to see us. Once a year I ask that they attend our ds' bday (he's 5), and this year none of the cousins "can" come. None even tried. We are hosting it my parents in CT, which everyone thinks is too far, but when I asked if NYC was better I still got no's. My parents will be there, my older sister (no children) will be there, and neighbors. But I'm angry over it. To top it all off, I work a demanding FT "man's" job, and 3 out of 4 of my SILs are SAHM's with pretty cushy lives. Infact the only cousins we see are the ones where that SIL also works a FT job and is the primary earner. Is this related to WOH/SAH, or are they all just lazy?
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.08.11, 07:22 AM Flag ]I don't see the relevance of their employment status. Presumably, your SIL's have DH's who work, right? They are not coming either, are they? No one wants to travel for a birthday party. It seems like they just don't like it even more than you do. I'm sorry for your DS. Not fair.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:36 AM FlagOP: And maybe there is no relevance to employment status. DS was crying this morning b/c of it. He loves his cousins so much. I guess why I bring up the work status is that if dh and I, with our two demanding jobs, can make the effort to drive to all these places on our weekends when we also have errands to run/life to live, why is it so hard for them? Seriously, I only ask once a year!!!!
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:46 AM Flag
Yes, I think this is related. SAHM (and dads) are used to having their own schedules. No deadlines, no real obligations to other people outside their own family. If it doesn't get done today, there's (usually) always tomorrow. This attitude permeates other aspects of life. I know that there are exceptions and this is not meant as a flame, just the way I notice it in my circle of friends.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:46 AM FlagPP: But what about their husbands? I SAH and if I told my DH that I wanted to skip his 5 yr. old nephew's party, he'd remind me that they come to our events and insist that we go. I think the DH's are being just as rude.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:53 AM FlagOP (Again): one SIL on dh's side proposed we come out to celebrate her son's bday a subsequent weekend. Then asked if we were coming for Father's Day. Each time it's us coming to her. I have simply said no, and told my dh I've had it. Dh's response is if we want to see family we need to go to them, otherwise I have to be okay with not seeing anyone. (Also gets me mad b/c I think he needs to tell his brothers, and his parents(!), that we have had enough.)
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:00 AM Flag
I'm in a similar situation where our families don't "undertand" why we decided to stay in the city with kids and are constantly telling us we should move to the burbs. it's almost like they are punishing us and dcs for not listening to them, so they never come see us in the city. if we need grandparents or relatives to watch our dcs, even just for an evening, we have to trek to the burbs. they come to the city for work (dhs only) or to see a show every few months, and even then, don't come by.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:08 AM FlagOP: My parents are good about coming to see us. DH's are okay, they are quite old, so it's harder for them. But BIL/SIL do come into the city, but don't see us. Although when they hear we are going away for a weekend we get emails asking if they can stay in our apt!
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:10 AM Flag
[+] If you have a will with guardians appointed for your DCs, who did you choose as guard... 24 replies
- ^^^And as much as I may dislike them, they are the grandparents, and they love the kids. At least I know the kids would be raised...nobody else. You should pick people in your generation - siblings, friends, cousins. All grandparents will continue to be involved in DCs lives. Also you should appoint a...you're not chasing your 16yo around the way you are with a toddler. grandparents raise many kids - don't rule them out, as many can be...
Talk : : June 08, 2011
If you have a will with guardians appointed for your DCs, who did you choose as guardians? DH and I sorting this out now. We have my parents as first choice as they live nearby, but that means we have to put his parents as second choice. I'm not crazy about that for two reasons -- first, they live overseas, and I think it would be disruptive to our kids to make them leave their country and life if we died, and also, I personally don't like my ILs' style of treating the kids. They are aggressive and difficult, and my kids are not crazy about them. But I don't think we can pick my parents and not list his, too. Real issue is that we don't have someone young (our age) who lives nearby who we can appoint. It seems like an incredible burden to ask a friend to take two kids. I have an older brother but he is just not responsible for something like this (i.e., he has lots of debt, no ability to land a job, always moody, etc). Curious what others have done. TIA.
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.08.11, 07:00 AM Flag ]You don't need to put his parents as second choice. I don't think we even have a second choice. In general, your parents aren't a great option, you siblings, cousins, close friends are better
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:02 AM FlagI know. But I think it would be really hurtful to DH if we didn't list his parents. I would much prefer to just list siblings, cousins, close friends, but that's the problem. My brother is not reliable, and DH's brother lives overseas too. All our cousins live overseas. That only leaves close friends, which seems like a huge burden to ask of someone.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:03 AM Flag
You don't "have" to put his parents as second choice. We put my parents as first choice (live nearby, have a very close relationship with DD) and counsin as second choice. We also say something about if my parents are unable to care for her (i.e. too old or sick at the time). I would never leave DD in the hands of in-laws - and luckily neither would my husband. His step-father is an AH and neither one of us would subject her to that and we pretty much don't believe in how step daad parents his own kids (who are much younger than DH) and treats MIL which is an entirely different post.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:06 AM FlagParents are not the best choice in general - only do this if you have nobody else. You should pick people in your generation - siblings, friends, cousins. All grandparents will continue to be involved in DCs lives. Also you should appoint a trustee to handle their money - different from the guardian. Just to safeguard your DC - not that you don't trust the guardian - just it's always better to have two people making money decisions.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:08 AM FlagYes, that we did. DH's family is actually very financially savvy, so we put them for trustees, and my parents for guardians. But it was recommended to us that we appoint a second-choice for guardian particularly since my parents are getting up there in age (though they're still very active, and very close to DCs). So that's why I'm stuck on my ILs, and who else if not them. So tough.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:10 AM Flag^To answer your question - my brother is first, and SIL if he can't or won't do it at the time. A different SIL is the trustee - and another is back-up if she won't or can't do it at the time. Best friends get our dog! It's hilarious that the dog is in the will! Our lawyer asked :)
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:10 AM Flagnp: you post this a lot, but i don't really agree with you. unless your parents are old at the time the kids are born, i think it can be fine. my IL's were only 57 when kids were born. by the time my kids graduate HS they would be 75yo. i think that's totally fine. we of course would leave them with the financial resources to hire a lot of help for things that might be challenging at their age, but the thing to keep in mind (since we do this with babies) is that you're not chasing your 16yo around the way you are with a toddler. grandparents raise many kids - don't rule them out, as many can be in a better position - retired, more $, no competing children. I mean if you ahve 3 kids and your siblings each have 2-3 kids, asking them to raise 5-6 kids can be a HUGE imposition and would really change their lives and hte lives of their kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:07 AM Flag
Sister and her DH are our first choice. If you are going to do your parents as first then choose a 2nd choice (I would given age), maybe specify up to a certain age they go to your parents otherwise to choice B. If no close relatives same generation you want, then how about a close friend? Obviously friend needs to be on board and also I'd provision in the will / life insurance that a certain amount of proceeds into trust so this non-relative guardian has the financial means you want to raise the child(ren).
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:24 AM Flag
[+] If you found out you were having a baby with a genetic disorder or mental retardation... 32 replies
- no, I would terminate. I watched my severly mentally handicapped uncle suffer through his life, I would not wish that on anyone, particularly my own child. It also affected my grandparents and my mothers life so profoundly at every turn. When he passed away at 61 this year everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Sad but true. My grandmothers life has been defined by caring for someone who was unhappy and unstable...
Talk : : June 07, 2011
If you found out you were having a baby with a genetic disorder or mental retardation (not sure what is PC these days) issues would you have the baby?
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.07.11, 11:58 AM Flag ]-
That's a tough one. I honestly have no idea. DH and I have discussed this and come to the conclusion that we can't decide unless we have to. "In theory" is too difficult. But we decided that we had to make a unanimous decision.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:00 PM FlagInteresting. I would say this is a much easier decision to make "in theory" than if it was a real situation.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:12 PM FlagWe've both come to both conclusion when discussing this. I think it's just too hard to know what we'd do unless we had to make that decision. If the baby would die when it was born, i'd want to abort. But if it was just going to be developmentally challenged or have down's, I don't know.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:16 PM Flag
i would get as many tests as possible before making any decision. I have heard of more than one story where some of the mother's screening tests came back with bad results and these folks went on to have healthy babies.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:00 PM Flag-
I have no idea. I want to say "no," but having given birth to two children, I can't imagine having to do an abortion. It's no ideological. I just don't think that I would be able to cope with it psychologically.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:08 PM FlagNo. I have a brother who has a disability (similar to Down's). It has not been as easy for my parents as if they had had 4 healthy children, but this is a person in his own right. If I faced this choice I would not terminate a baby with such a problem myself.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:14 PM Flagno. had a cvs test and were prepared to terminate if the results indicated a severe disorder. if it turned out that there was a problem with db that wasn't detected, we would obviously rise to the occassion and love and care for db, but we also appreciate our limitations and were not prepared to continue with a pregnancy if we knew something was wrong. cvs ended up being fine and db is fine, but that was our thought process.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:20 PM FlagI think I can easily say no, but in the moment, I don't think I'd be able to have an abortion. I was scared something would go wrong if I had more kids (no real reason for that fear) but I didn't want to put myself or my DC in that situation so I opted to not even try for more.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:32 PM FlagWow - I'm a bit surprised by the answers. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ saying no. I don't think you should take on more than you can handle. I wouldn't terminate personally. I'm just shocked at the # of nos.. It is a really difficult thing to raise a SN child - but I know I would do it if it came down to it- I didn't do any of the screening because of this. I truly believe that everyone is different and it's good to know your limits - I understand the 'no' perspective.. just shocked that it seems to be the predominant viewpoint.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 01:15 PM FlagNot sure what I would have done w a first child, but I would have terminated for a 2nd child. A close friend has a brother w serious mental disabilities and it's been draining on her family - when she told me that as much as she loves him she would never go through w a pg for such a child, I took that to heart. So it's one thing to me if that child would be JUST my responsibility, but I would never put that on my older child.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 01:32 PM FlagMy bff and I were talking about this yesterday. She had a bad nuchal with #4 two years ago--so had amnio. Weird culture issue, so had to be redone. All was well. I never had a screen positive (at 32,36,41), so no invasive testing. A friend of hers recently had a bad nuchal and an anatomy scan that showed a cyst on the brain--but they're not having further testing. Marker for trisomy 18 (I think she said). I couldn't sleep at night.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:35 AM Flagno, I would terminate. I watched my severly mentally handicapped uncle suffer through his life, I would not wish that on anyone, particularly my own child. It also affected my grandparents and my mothers life so profoundly at every turn. When he passed away at 61 this year everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Sad but true. My grandmothers life has been defined by caring for someone who was unhappy and unstable because she refused to give him up to institutionalized care.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 04:31 AM Flag
[+] Looking for Advice. Husband is a business owner in a different country with a HHI of... 53 replies
Talk : : June 07, 2011
Looking for Advice. Husband is a business owner in a different country with a HHI of about 2-2.5M and we have about 15M in stock/savings. He travels to other country about one week a month, needs to be in NYC about 4-5 days a month and Los Angeles about 4 days a month. We own a beautiful home in the midwest where I am from and travel there a lot right now because our kids are young and I like to spend time with my Family during his travel days. We own no other real estate at this time, we rent in NYC. We used to live in Los Angeles and loved it, but moved to NYC for his business, which at the time was heavily focused here. We are now at the point where DH business is stable, and satellite, which has enabled us to choose now where we want to raise our family. The only options that work for our family are NYC, LA or our home near my family in the Midwest. DH's family is spread out and not interested in our children or family like mine are. I am struggling with this so terribly. Part of me wants to raise my kids near their extended family and have aunts, uncles and grandparents nearby and we already own our home there. Our HHI would allow us to travel freely and have fantastic experiences outside of the small-town we would be living in. My other feelings are that raising the kids in NYC or LA would be so much more fun and a more enriching experience in terms of culture, great schools, exciting adult life for my husband and I, etc. We do return for the entire summer to the midwest, so this makes me think that they are getting plenty of extended family time and is factoring into my decision. DH would truly be happy anywhere, he lays it all on me to choose. I am curious to hear what others would choose in this predicament?
53 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.07.11, 10:24 AM Flag ]That is a lot of information. So basically you are trying to figure out where to have your primary residence? How old are your kids and can you get them in schools here in NYC or out in LA? Figure out what's best for your personal family unit and go from there.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:29 AM FlagWhat other countries does your DH travel to? This matters. For example, if he travels to Italy...LA does not make sense because the flight is sooo much longer than from NYC. Ditto with time diffeences and doing work.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:35 AM Flag-
4. You are considering moving to the Midwest because you like it there, your family is there, and you own a home there.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:38 AM Flag-
5. You will summer in the Midwest regardless of where you live.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:38 AM FlagIf all of these are true, it seems that you should live in either NY or LA, preferring whichever has the easiest, most direct flights to the country that your husband must visit. He has a very hectic travel schedule, and it should be minimized. Moreover, your time with him will be maximized if you live in one of the places in which he will need to be - otherwise, you will have only about 1 week per month with him. You will have plenty of time with your family.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:44 AM Flag
Honestly, asking someone to give you advice about living in NYC, LC or "the Midwest" is useless. (And I'm skeptical of anyone that claims to live in/be from there while refering to it as "the Midwest".) Are we talking about a nice town on Lake Michigan? A smaller city or college town? Or a farm town in the middle of nowhere?
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:39 AM FlagIsn't all advice useless? I am curious to hear others opinions if they were in a similar situation. Would you stay in NYC if you had a lot of money, but could live anywhere and family lived elsewhere? I have heard the LA vs NYC debate plenty of times before, I just have a few interesting additions that make my decision more complex.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:44 AM Flag
Hmmm. Having lived in both NYC and LA and loving both for different reasons, I think I would choose LA for the outdoor lifestyle. With your money, you can get a fabulous house with pool, grounds, etc, send dcs to a great private school (smaller selction that NYC, but still a few great ones), and still be able to spend time in the midwest. Get rid of nyc apt and just stay in a great hotel when you visit, unless of course, you can afford to continue to pay nyc rent just for dh to stay there once a month.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:40 AM FlagI think DH has a second family and has arranged this dizzying travel schedule to keep DW#1 in a permanent state of confusion.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:56 AM Flag-
[+] Poll: Mini crib or Playpen with a mattress? Baby will use for at least the 1st year. ... 12 replies
- get one for $75 - the mattress is another 40. $10 for a few sheets and you're set. Trust me - this one is better - and all the parts actually fit in the bag easily. I have about 8 different pack & plays between all the grandparents houses and beach and home and many kids...
Talk : : June 07, 2011
Poll: Mini crib or Playpen with a mattress? Baby will use for at least the 1st year. I do not want to pull out my big crib due to lack of space.
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.07.11, 08:10 AM Flag ]I don't like the playpen mattresses for regular use. We did it for 6 weeks while moving, but even that made me uncomfortable.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:13 AM Flagpack n play w mattress (make sure it has bassinet for early months). no bars for arms and legs to get stuck in. pacifiers won't fall out. easier to move around and fold up if need be. my kid slept in one until 22 months because he preferred it to mini crib.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:15 AM FlagOP: I was thinking about this one. http://www.amazon.com/Graco-Playard-Newborn-Napper-Broadstreet/dp/B001PIJEJE/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1307460041&sr=8-4
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:23 AM FlagWOAH nelly - that thing is $250! You can get one for $75 - the mattress is another 40. $10 for a few sheets and you're set. Trust me - this one is better - and all the parts actually fit in the bag easily. I have about 8 different pack & plays between all the grandparents houses and beach and home and many kids... http://www.amazon.com/Graco-Pack-Playard-Bassinet-Kensly/dp/B001GQ2PLE/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1307460584&sr=1-1
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:30 AM FlagThis is the good mattress too - some have a gap on the sides/ too narrow.. http://www.amazon.com/Dream-Me-Playard-Mattress-White/dp/B004JU0H6O/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1305049900&sr=8-11
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:32 AM Flag
Baby Bjorn Travel Crib light. Has a great mattress, doesn't take up a ton of room and will fit for 2 years.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:39 AM FlagI recommend the Mattress Topper by MamaDoo Kids. It fits perfectly, does not leave gaps on the sides, so it is safe and it folds in 3 (great for storage and for travel). Also you can wash the cover. They sell it in their website for a better price than in amazon.com. The reviews in amazon are really good. Good luck!
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 02:41 AM Flag
[+] I am pg with our first DB. While walking last evening, we saw a Nanny leaving an apt... 72 replies
- loved and secure, the better imo. And this includes parents, grandparents, extended family, neighbors, friends of the family or nannies....
- This morning DC cried because grandparent was going to be there soon. That he wanted me to stay is great but knowing how much grandparent loves DC broke my heart....
- 't love their parents the most. My ds loves his grandparents and aunts and wishes they could live with us,...
Talk : : June 07, 2011
I am pg with our first DB. While walking last evening, we saw a Nanny leaving an apt building and the DC was at the window literally screaming "I LOVE YOU! Please come back tomorrow!" at the Nanny, and she had to turn around several times to wave at him. I asked her if this was common, and she said he did this every single night, and sometimes he will call her at night to make sure she was coming back the next day. While it was sweet and the family is obviously lucky to have a Nanny that DC loves so much, it literally broke my heart to think that my DC could be that attached to another person. Is this normal? And I promise that this is not some fake attempt to ignite a SAHM/WOHM war. I am genuinely interested in whether this is common and how these DCs behave at home with their parents.
72 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.07.11, 07:54 AM Flag ]True story--my friend got rid of a nanny b/c her dc was so in love with her he hated the mom & dad.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:57 AM FlagI have never had a nanny, so I have no reason to defend the nanny choice, but I think that the family is lucky to have this loving, sweet nanny. I also think that their DC might have some issues that have nothing to do with the fact that he has a nanny.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:57 AM FlagOP: I was wondering the same thing. I mean, the child was hysterically pounding on the window screen and yelling "I LOVE YOU!". I know the family is lucky, but it would still break my heart as a mother.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:00 AM FlagOR: It could just be that he was manipulating his parents (into feeling guilty or paying attention to him). Kids are manipulative little buggers when it comes to their parents. Cute, but manipulative. In that case, I wouldn't worry. But if he was really distraught, then something else is going on.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:04 AM Flag
You'll realize that a strong bond with another adult is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean the child loves mom or dad less. Would you rather leave your child in the care of someone he or she was ambivalent about?
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:00 AM FlagOP: Of course not. I know in my brain that it is a good thing, but maybe not in my heart.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:02 AM FlagIf you are planning to work, you will soon realize that it is silly to be upset about your child loving his/her nanny. Our DD tells her nanny she loves her all the time - and she means it. She is also perfectly aware that we are her parents and that her nanny is someone who takes care of her while we are at work. When DD was a baby, I certainly had a few moments of jealousy towards our nanny - I think that is normal. But you soon come to realize (with your brain and with your heart, to use your expression) that you are truly lucky to have someone who helps and who loves your baby.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:07 AM Flag
My DCs love their nanny - but they love us most - don't fear this - it's a good thing and means they have a good relationship. I still write/ email with my nanny at the age of 30. I'm close w/ both my parents - too close maybe - I talk to my mom several times most days and my dad calls daily now to get an update on my boys -- he's not a big phone person.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:01 AM FlagOP: this is good to hear. Maybe there is enough love to go around. I just hope I am capable of being the bigger person and working past the initial jealousy. I obviously won't have a choice but to do so.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:06 AM FlagI'll never understand jealousy. Work on your self confidence and be grateful for EVERY single loving person in your child's life. Many children -- too many -- grow up with nobody to love and guide them.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:10 AM FlagNot OP, but I have to ask... if your DH got divorced and remarried to a new woman, and you saw your DC behaving this way toward their step-mom, would it bother you?
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:12 AM FlagThat's a good one - I won't say it wouldn't hurt a bit - but I'd be happy that they loved their step mom as opposed to hated her or having someone who didn't love DC. Divorce is difficult - I can't imagine how hard it is w/ DCs - but it's usually for the best and you have to move on. I still think about my ex a bit - but we were young and he made big mistakes. I hope he's doing well.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:17 AM Flag
Huh? I assume you aren't having a child so that you can have the best most unconditional love from someone (if you are you need to reevaluate fast). Would you be upset if the DC had said the same to his grandmother? his father? his cousins? his friends? There isn't a limited bucket of love that runs out once it is parceled out.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:04 AM FlagI think thats wonderful. I don't understand why some people feel threatened by this - a child can be attached to more than one person... Just because they're very attached to a Nanny, doesn't mean they're detached from you. The more people in a childs life that make them feel loved and secure, the better imo. And this includes parents, grandparents, extended family, neighbors, friends of the family or nannies.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:07 AM FlagSome nannies spend 5 days per week, 11 hours per day with the dcs they care for. Is the attachment that surprising?
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:08 AM FlagOP: Attachment is not that surprising, but maybe I thought that the DC would be somewhat relieved/happy when his parents came home? I haven't given birth yet, so I don't really understand the "normal" dynamics.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:11 AM FlagNP: mine are almost always happy to see us when we come home and happy to see nanny in the morning. Mondays are most difficult in the mornings. There have been days with meltdowns when we leave (horrible - but normal and you know they're fine 5 minutes after the door closes) and there have been times w/ meltdowns when nanny leaves (also horrible - but also normal and understandable). It's just part of life - and not a big deal.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:14 AM FlagThere is no normal. Mine gets upset for 30 seconds every morning when nanny arrives and then is fine. He talks about me all day and calls me at work and then when I get home he gets upset that nanny is leaving. He just likes to have everyone around all the time. He does the same thing with his dad and grandparents. One piece of advice, get the entire notion of "normal" out of your head when it comes to kids in general. You just need to figure out what works for you & your kid - means and averages don't make a different.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:19 AM Flag
my dd loves her nanny - I want her too love her and for the nanny to love dd. I had a nanny growing up - she was with us from the time I was 6 months until I was 12 - I love her and she is still part of our lives. She came to my wedding, knows my dd etc...
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:16 AM FlagJust wondering, have you thought about staying home for a few years? If this is really a concern for you, it is the only way you can ensure that you are the strongest attachment.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:17 AM FlagOP: I don't think it's in the cards. If DH & I could pick our ideal situation, I would be able to stay home for 1-2 years, and then step back into my current role at my company. Since that's not a reality, I would be sacrificing the great, flexible career that I have now and would have a difficult time getting back in. These are the times I wish we had maternity leave policies more like our Socialist neighbors in EU.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:23 AM Flag
MY DW is WOHM and hates it. Her mother is the "nanny" while she is at work. It breaks her heart when she picks up the kids and they say they don't want to go home with he and that they want to stay with Grandma. She feels lucky she has someone she trusts but hurt because she want to be the one caring for them. Not an exact comparrison but in the same ballpark.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:35 AM FlagI haven't experienced this but have heard stories - a woman whose DS called nanny mom. I think any smart nanny would nip this in the bud. When DD was about 18 months she said one day I don't want to hug mommy (one of her 24 hour phases) and nanny joked you're going to get me fired:) It was funny but frankly if my child was doing the above I would replace the nanny. She is obviously blurring the lines for the child. Most children clearly understand the difference between a family member and a caregiver.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 08:59 AM FlagOf course it's normal for a dc to love someone who is raising him; given that this person is kind and fun which this nanny obviously is. Being a FT WOHM is a trade off.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 09:45 AM FlagTo everyone who is saying that this is not something to feel bad about, I'm just wondering how you would feel if this were not a Nanny, but a Step-mom.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 09:51 AM FlagThis eventually does happen to most first wife shams, they deal.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 09:52 AM FlagIt's an entirely different dynamic. Ultimately you and the nanny are on the same "team" (for lack of a better expression). With stepmoms you have no idea how she may be interacting with or influencing the kids, so you are more likely to feel threatened if the kids have a very loving relationship with her.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:43 AM Flag
I would be happy as a parent that dc loves the nanny. Toddlers do this. My 3 y/o yells "I don't want Mommy" when dh goes to get her up in the morning and she sees me thorugh the door. Just because she is used to this routine, I don't take it personally. Later, she wants to play with me only. Maybe she has a little OCD going, but she sometimes says things like these which are hurtful, just because she is used to certain people at certain times of the day.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:40 AM FlagNot common at all. The minute I walk in the door, DS turns to Nanny and says "Bye Bye". That's it.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 10:59 AM FlagDo you think it's odd that your DC is not attached to the nanny?
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:13 AM FlagNP: Not at all. I know most of you militant SAHMs don't want to believe this but most children are more attached to their parents than to their caregiver no matter how much caregiver is there during the week. It doesn't mean DC doesn't like caregiver and isn't attached to them it means they understand the difference between the two.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:16 AM Flag
WOHM with an amazing babysitter and no matter how much they love the babysitter, there is no substitute for Mommy. You want a babysitter with this kind of bond with your kids, because you want to feel like they are loved and well-cared for while you are away. I remember when DC#1 was only, say, 6 mos old and would smile and kick her chubby little legs when our babysitter said hello to her in the morning. If that happens to you, never let that babysitter go!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:02 AM FlagLike one of the ORs said above, I don't think there is any "normal". Some DC have more trouble with transitions than others. And some attach a lot of importance to ritual, while others don't need a routine. DS used to be like this with me going to work - he had to wave goodbye to me, every morning, from the sunporch. If he could do it, he was fine. If he couldn't (like if I had an early meeting), he would get very upset.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:23 AM FlagThis reminds me of the post from the mom who didn't want her DCs to be in a photograph with the DCs of her DH's ex-DW (or some such complicated thing) because it's a similar thought that more people in a DC's life who love the DC and whom the DC loves is not necessarily a good thing if it violates traditional relationship roles. DD loves her day care teachers and the other kids in her class, and I'm glad she has so many people in her life to love and who love her.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:36 AM FlagI am a SAHM and have never had a nanny. But if I were ever to get a nanny, I would want my DCs to love her and be attached to her. I don't think the love the DC feels for the nanny is the same as the love he feels for his mom and dad. My DCs tell their grandmothers, aunts, and our cat that they love them, and they really mean it, but it doesn't infringe on the love that they feel for us. Just my opinion.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:48 AM FlagMy dc doesn't have that kind of personality, but he sure loves his babysitter. Often he will ask us to go out to dinner so she can stay late. I am psyched that he has somebody he likes so much! I think it's good for kids to have a lot of loving adults in their lives--everybody brings something different. I think too close a relationship between mother and child can get creepy. My mom and sister are like that!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 11:52 AM Flagwe have a terrific nanny, someone dd has been with since she was 3 months old. But i don't know if its just my dd, she knows that its the nanny and not family. She is not in the least bit attached to her. I was worried about the same thing as OP but hasn't been my experience.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 12:49 PM FlagMy neighbor had a nanny when she was a child. When she grew up and had her own children the nanny cared for them. Eventually, the nanny got old, but continued to live with my neighbor. My neighbor cared for her until she died. She was a member of the family- loved by all.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 03:16 PM FlagI don't have a nanny, but kids can love lots of different people--their love is boundless. Even if they love their nanny, it doesn't mean they don't love their parents the most. My ds loves his grandparents and aunts and wishes they could live with us, or at least visit every day.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 04:01 PM Flag
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