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[+] My 6-yo is having major separation anxiety. She is very sweet and sensitive and has a... 6 replies
- are there any other children in between or has she been an only child until now? is she generally excited about the baby? are you letting her help with the baby so she feels important? is she having a...
- Thanks for the response. She's been an only up to this point, and she loves the baby. We do ask her to help. When she's...
Talk : : June 16, 2011
My 6-yo is having major separation anxiety. She is very sweet and sensitive and has always been a little like this, but things have been exacerbated by the arrival of a new baby two months ago. I spend a lot of alone time with her but she still sometimes has complete meltdowns at school drop-off and now some summer activities I've enrolled her in. It's frustrating and heart-wrenching. Any suggestions?
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.16.11, 08:00 AM Flag ]-
are there any other children in between or has she been an only child until now? is she generally excited about the baby? are you letting her help with the baby so she feels important? is she having a mild regression or does she just not want to leave the baby because it's so much fun to be with a new baby/or because she's jealous that she's missing out on time with you that the baby is getting?
[ Reply | More ]06.16.11, 08:04 AM FlagThanks for the response. She's been an only up to this point, and she loves the baby. We do ask her to help. When she's at home she usually chooses to do other things - have pretend tea parties, etc. She plays with the baby a fair amount but she doesn't seem overly concerned about him one way or the other, really.
[ Reply | More ]06.16.11, 08:42 AM Flag
[+] Response to SAHM's ipad post: Why I WOHM. My dad was primary breadwinner. He died ... 211 replies
- Two-income households are only more secure if you live within one-income spending...is it more secure to make more money only to spend more money?...
- I believe alimony and child support last longer than unemployment. But again, it...and you all succeeded academically. Sometimes kids remember only the bad and not the good when a...I guess it was bc I was an only child so less mouths to feed. My mom...
Talk : : June 14, 2011
Response to SAHM's ipad post: Why I WOHM. My dad was primary breadwinner. He died when I was 10. We were 3 kids. My mom worked but part-time and not in anything that made good $. It was hard/embarrassing being on reduced lunch and social security. It was hard not having any vacations. It was hard seeing my mom struggle so hard, unprepared for the rigors of supporting a family alone. I admired my mom, but I also swore to myself I would never be so dependent.
211 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.14.11, 04:45 PM Flag ]^^It was hard not having new things. It did not build character, and it did not make me less materialistic. I now have 2 kids of my own. I make more $ than dh. We are very comfortable. I work very, very long hours. I don't always love my job, esp. being away from my kids. I delight in giving them things I never had. Vacations. Restaurants, etc. I went to Ivy ugrad and grad school - still paying off debt. I hope to give my kids the gift of no student loans (and even down payment to home so if they choose they can live in Manhattan). This is my dream. Quitting my job is not an option, nor do I want it to be.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 04:51 PM FlagWould you feel differently if DH made enough money to make all that possible for your family without you having to work?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 04:54 PM FlagIf DH had enough money until we retired? Possibly in the sense that I would maybe get a job where I work a bit less. But to the extent of not working? No. I want to work. I need to do something more than stay at home and raise my kids. I just do.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 04:59 PM FlagYou can do a lot of wonderful and useful things without having to work for someone else.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:00 PM Flag-
You can be fired, though, can't you? You have people to whom you are accountable? There will be consequences if you don't work long, long hours, right? I am just saying, there are other paths out there. I respect your desire to provide for your family, but if you are ever in a situation where your family's financial future is secure, you might be happier if you spend your time in more independent endeavors. There is a serious gray area between WOHM and SAHM.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:04 PM FlagBut why do you think I'm unhappy? I said I don't always love my job. But often I do. I actually can't be fired per se, though I'm sure I could be run out. Probably not for low hours - more for not attracting business. It's true if I had all the $ in the world, I might make a few adjustments. But all in all, I'm generally not displeased. (Are you looking to hear that I'm over the moon? Whose situation is completely perfect? No one I can see.)
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:08 PM Flag-
Well, I am not a SAHM anymore, but of course that's true. That's what I mean about risk. Who do you trust more to not fire you - your husband or your boss?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:18 PM Flag-
There are thousands of people who can do my job as well as I can. I don't think my husband could find a replacement wife/mother as easily, although obviously it's possible.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:22 PM FlagI don't think that's particularly informative. You don't know whether the replacement job is as good as the lost job, and you don't know whether the SAHMs are actively seeking a new husband, or whether they are able to cope with the finances on their own. Lots of missing variables there, not enough to make a definitive conclusion, and certainly not enough to base such an important decision on.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:25 PM FlagNo, of course not. Having a second income is certainly more financially secure than not having a second income. But I am saying that some people are willing to assume the risk of a single income for a certain period of time. It worked out for me, as I was able to stay home for several years, and when I returned to work, my husband was able to stay home for several years. Now we both work part time. People take all sorts of different paths, and yes, there are all sorts of different risks involved.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:28 PM Flag
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Not op - not for me. DH's die, leave, clean out the bank accounts, etc. I want to be able to support myself in the life style that I live..with or with out my DH. And I can.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:00 PM FlagBut a lot of things can go wrong, even if you are excellent planner. Companies go bankrupt, stock markets crash, people get fired. It's just a matter of deciding how much risk you want to assume. It sounds like you have more faith in your employer sticking by you than you do in your DH.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:05 PM FlagWhat does faith in DH have to do with this? You mean if she has enough faith in him, he will never die?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:09 PM FlagI am saying that depending on another person is a risk. You are putting yourself at risk by assuming that the other person will continue to take care of you and provide for you. Some people are comfortable assuming that risk, because they feel that they can trust their husband, and don't believe that he is likely to leave/die/clean out the bank account. But depending on a company to continue paying your salary is also a risk, because said company can lay you off, or go out of business. So, while I totally understand that some women are not willing to risk putting their trust in their DH, I also think it's silly to talk about a corporate job as some sort of sure-proof safety net. Shit happens, and that's the only truth out there.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:12 PM FlagEasier to find another job than a second husband. Many men are unwilling to take on a lifetime sahm with kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:17 PM FlagI believe alimony and child support last longer than unemployment. But again, it's all about what you are willing to risk and where you place your trust. If you say, "I don't trust my husband not to ditch me," that's cool. I get it. You do what you have to do.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:19 PM Flag
You are soo naive. The OR is right..things happen to DH's even when they are still with you..they, for example get sick,lose their jobs, etc. I know acquaintances that were financially devastated when their DH had to have a brain tumor operated on and he could no longer work. No life insurance, no alimony, nothing. DW did not have the experience to earn near enough to keep them afloat.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:07 PM FlagSo he worked a job that paid enough to support the whole family, but did not have medical benefits or life insurance? Implausible.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:21 PM FlagWhich med benefits do you think would cover? What percentage of income does disability max at ? What is the max figure? How long do you need to be out to col,ect this drastically reduced su? The ignorance is vast here.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:24 PM FlagI posted below about my friend's dad who died from cancer. He was out of work for about a year. Everything was covered. Life insurance plus pension is covering his mom's lifestyle until she passes. I don't know the details of every employer, obviously, but that has been my experience. Most corporate jobs offer adequate insurance options.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:26 PM Flag
Huh? He did not die so no life insurance. Medical benefits cver the surgery, rehab, not day to day living.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:28 PM Flag-
I would think part of this need to work has to do with her father dying when she was 10. She saw her mother not prepared for that...I'm not saying that everyone should work because their Dh might die but if that had happened to me at such a young age and I had so many issues going up I would probably have teh same attitude as OP.
[ Reply | More ]06.15.11, 07:01 AM Flag
My mom was like you. It was hard being with various caregivers all day and rarely getting to see her. It was hard/embarrassing to go to functions where all the other moms were participating and mine was not because she worked such long hours. It did not build character or make me more feministic. I just really missed my mom. I don't think there is anything wrong with women working. I do think there is something wrong with you suggesting that one EXTREME is good and the other is bad.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 09:59 PM Flag
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np: this is why you do need quite a bit of life insurance to cover the loss of a big income. Term life for 20 years, while dcs are growing up, is good. Grew up with very similar situation as OP, but lesson learned was to get life insurance. Actually, sounds nice that op's mom was home alot rather than working long hours.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:12 PM FlagOP: Really? It wasn't that nice waking up at midnight to hear my mom literally weeping over money, hearing her ask someone on the phone what she would do about next month's rent. Still hurts to think of it.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:16 PM FlagThat does sound difficult. Honestly, I know what it is like to suddenly lose a father. And I am sure some of your mom's sadness wasn't simply financial. You might be much younger than me, but 20K x 3 for college is alot of money. We didn't have any college savings, but got financial aid from good schools. I'm surprised your mom could save that for you. And, I think it's wonderful that you are providing well for your kids, btw.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:20 PM Flag^^^but re-reading your post, I think you may be overcompensating although I understand why. Your kids don't need a downpayment for their first home. They don't need 100% of college paid for. They need a good home and to feel secure financially, but they also need to spend time with you.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:23 PM FlagThe funny thing about having a little money for college is that it doesn't really help all that much. $20K didn't cover my college tuition for even one year. The rest was 100% financial aid for the rest of the ride.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:25 PM FlagI know, that's why I was surprised. Your mom would have been better advised to spend that money on other things, not save it for college.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:26 PM FlagShe couldn't. It was in accounts in our name only that were specifically earmarked for college. That was my dad--he believed in college. To both their credit, my two sisters and I all went to top colleges and grad schools and are doing very well. We all WOHM in successful careers.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:30 PM FlagYou know, it sounds like your mom did an amazing job with all of you. You are remembering her crying and needing money, but it sounds instead as if she instilled in all of you a sense of confidence and you all succeeded academically. Sometimes kids remember only the bad and not the good when a traumatic thing happens.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:33 PM FlagIt's hard not to take this comment as distastefully glib. Not sure if you're trying to drive a SAHM point home or actually attempting to be supportive. She wasn't SAHM after my dad died--maybe that's why I succeeded since I had to learn to make it on my own. Truth is she did her best, and there were good times. But there were far more difficult times than the one I mentioned--I do not think I unduly emphasize the bad moments. It's bad to have your dad die and suddenly have nothing. Come back when you've walked in my shoes and tell me if you still think I'm overemphasizing the bad.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:45 PM FlagYou missed me saying this happened to me only I was 6 when my dad died. Perhaps my last line wasn't clear. I wasn't belittling the trauma of losing your dad, I was saying that your mom didn't earn much but you turned out ok despite not having much. Losing a parent is horrible no matter what your income is. But kids don't need alot -- they just need to feel financially secure. Many kids like you don't make it, and the fact that you did says something special about your mom.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:56 PM Flag
Really? $20K is enough for tuition for 4yrs @ a state school.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:33 PM FlagUm, she said she went to an Ivy. What state do you live in? What about living expenses?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:57 PM FlagYes. I went to University of Florida for undergrad. In Florida state residents get their full tuition to any state university with a 1270 SAT and 60 hours of community service work in HS. Really. So I went to UF for free then to Harvard law. I incurred some debt at Harvard, but came out with an excellent job so this was not a big deal. Paying astronomical amounts for undergrad seems really silly to me.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 10:33 PM Flag
My mom drilled this into her 5 daughters heads. Work, be financially independent, always be able to rely on yourself. She grew up wealthy, her family lost all of their money in the depression and WWII (European). And her life, financially anyway, had a downward trajectory. Careers allow you some measure of control. Two income households are more secure than one income households.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:07 PM FlagTwo-income households are only more secure if you live within one-income spending habits.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:10 PM FlagOP: No. The security is the ability to go out and get a job that pays enough to support your family in the absence of the other income.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:14 PM FlagPlenty of well-educated experienced people have been layed off and have been unable to find a job for many many months. I am one of them. Having a job now doesn't mean that you will always have a job.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:17 PM Flag-
That's true. But all I am saying is that a lot of bad shit can happen. Unemployment and divorce, both are awful. It's just a matter of how much risk you want to assume, and where. It's not good to live in fear of divorce or unemployment, but these are possibilities, and you make your own decisions. That's all.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:21 PM Flag-
But getting laid off after having a good job puts you in a better position than not have any transferable skills to get a decent job you can support your family on. By this logic (and a lot of the logic above--the notion that everything is unpredictable), why does anyone do any smart planning and go to school, get degrees, etc.? No, you can't count on anything being forever, but you can surely put yourself in the best possible position to weather the blows.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:21 PM FlagYes, but you can do that in many different ways. You can work part time, or free-lance, or take professional courses, or get a graduate degree. There are many options.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:23 PM Flag
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the security of two income households comes from 2 different people having 2 different jobs. What happens to one (like getting laid off) doesn't happen to the other. So it's not just the extra money now and at retirement time.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:23 PM FlagUnless both people work in the same industry. I know families where both parents were laid off. Shit happens. It really does. You can't plan for everything. You hedge your bets where you can, that's all.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:31 PM FlagThis is an anarchist, nonsensical response. Yes, anything can happen. But the question is how you best position yourself once the shit hits the fan.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:35 PM FlagIn a variety of ways - working part time, volunteering, free-lancing, going to graduate school. I am saying that there is a grey area between WOH and SAH. Most people fall in between. Especially those who had careers before parenthood.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:39 PM FlagBut part time/volunteering/free-lancing is not going to support a family of 4. It's just not.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:46 PM FlagI am suggesting that one person does that while being the primary care-taker of the children, while the other one is the primary earner. Then, if something happens to the primary earner, the primary caretaker will be equipped to re-enter the workforce more easily than had they been completely idle during their SAH time.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:48 PM FlagThis won't get you the job I have - you can't hop on this gravy train after working part time or volunteering. If you don't care about having to scrape by later on, then fine. I happen to care. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to save and retire someday reasonable.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:52 PM FlagWell, these are the trade-offs, and you made your decisions. I was able to do this, switch careers, and return to work at a lower salary but to a job that I love and one that is compatible with my family life. We had to move from Manhattan to Brooklyn, but our life is otherwise wonderful. Tradeoffs, that's all.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:54 PM Flag
OP's mom worked part-time. Didn't seem to work out so well for them.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:52 PM FlagHow do you figure? If having to take out a student loan at an Ivy is your definition of things working out poorly, I guess you are right. But, from what I read of the OP's posts, it sounds like her mom struggled, but did a fine job of supporting the family. I had two working parents, and I had to take out college loans too.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:55 PM FlagI guess I mean that she woke up to her mom crying at night over money. If your point is that so long as they made it to Ivy schools in the end, was all fine, our views of things being fine are divergent. I think what she's describing is that the family struggled in ways she doesn't want her family now to struggle. That's the point, isn't it, not where she ended up.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:59 PM FlagOh, but that's silly. She had food, and medicine, and education, and a loving mother. And so did her siblings. She was missing luxury goods, and I realize that by UB standards a life without luxury is a life not worth living. I realize that hearing your mom cry can be traumatic to a child, but that doesn't change the fact that her mom did a great overall job. My mom cried a lot too when I was young -- she had a job and a husband, but she was depressed. Adults cry for many reasons.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:10 PM Flag
Just because OP didn't have her mom pay for her college education and buy her a house upon graduation doesn't mean that things didn't work out well for her. She went to an Ivy (yes, she had loans, just like most of us) and turned out to be a healthy and successful individual. Sounds like her mom did a wonderful job.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:57 PM FlagYou just dont want to work. Not about the kids. Its about you.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:10 PM FlagAgain, you seem to lack imagination, and are convinced that working full time away from home is the only way to go. It's possible to take a few years off to be with your children, then return to work and allow your DH to do the same. People have all sorts of options, and it's weird that you refuse to acknowledge that there are ways to manage work and life in a more effective way.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:25 PM FlagWhat's not common? People taking a few years off when their kids are born and then returning to work? I think that's a lot more common than this mythical woman who leaves her job when her kids are born and never leaves the house for the rest of her life. I don't know anyone who didn't return to work after some time as a SAH parent.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:29 PM Flag
While I am all in favor of working, I think this is an unfair statement. Not being able to take vacations and having to take out student loans are not the definition of defeat. Yes, OP didn't live a life of luxury, but that's the case for many people (even people who have two working parents). So let's not exaggerate.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 05:59 PM Flag-
But your mom wasn't dependent. She struggled, but she managed just fine on her own.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:16 PM Flag-
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I am a WOHM and have lots of great friends who SAH. The other WOHMs who comment on this board are starting to frighten me. They sound bitter and jealous. Worry about yourselves.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:18 PM FlagDidn't you read the OP's follow-up? She considers her mom a failure because she didn't cover full tuition at an Ivy and didn't make the downpayment on her Manhattan apartment. OP had a miserable life indeed.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:18 PM FlagOP: I have never said this, and I never would. Where did you get this??? My mom was not a failure. She was unprepared to support 3 kids on her own. I did not have a miserable life, but there were very dark times for a kid.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:22 PM FlagI am curious what your life was like when your dad was alive. Would you have had the luxuries you lacked had he been alive? Would your parents have covered the education costs and downpayments for you and your siblings?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:27 PM FlagNo. He was a professor. Would not have had those luxuries. Those are my own creative imaginings.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:32 PM FlagThen what is the point, exactly? Your dad's passing didn't deprive you of the life of luxury which you are anticipating for your children? You went from marginally well off to marginally poor, and still your mom managed just fine. She got a job and she had government assistance.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:37 PM FlagThe point of what? I'm not saying I want to give my kids the life I would've had if my dad hadn't died. I want to give them even more. How was I marginally poor? My mom made in a good year $17,000, in a bad year much worse. For a family of 4. She got ulcers from the stress. She went from job to job. One of them was Dairy Queen. What qualifies as truly poor?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:40 PM Flag
If that's really the case, what is your point? It's not like your lifestyle changed so drastically after his passing. Things were tough, but it's not like you went from caviar to hot dogs... you went from gourmet hot dogs to regular hot dogs, which isn't fun, but it's not as devastating as you make it seem. I respect that you are making some sacrifices in your family life because you want to give your children a life of luxury, but what of it?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:40 PM FlagI'm sorry - I thought I wrote my last post, but I just had to come back for this one. Our lifestyle did change dramatically after my dad died. Not from high wealth to rags, true. We never had everything in the world, but we were comfortable, and suddenly we had nothing. It was devastating to me and to our whole family.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:53 PM Flag
OP: I don't get this. She was dependent. After my dad died, she didn't make enough (and couldn't get higher paying jobs), which is why we had to go on social security and get reduced lunch. I never got new gadgets or cool clothes; I missed out on class trips b/c even the subsidized amounts were too much for us; I never took extracurricular paid activities/classes. What is your definition of dependent? We didn't starve, yes. We made it, yes. But my mom *was* dependent.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:20 PM FlagYou're wasting your time OP. These women are too infantile to admit that *their* choices might ever have consequences, so they're just attacking you. It's like a small child putting her hands over her ears and screaming "na na na" because she doesn't like what you're saying.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:34 PM FlagI know. This is my last reply. I've responded all over the place b/c I'm fascinated at people's replies. Mystified, really. We were really poor after my dad died. It was hell of hard. Hard most of all to see how my mom suffered; hard to see her working at Dairy Queen. We all did ok ultimately - somehow people think that it was less hard because how we all turned out. Not so. I am grateful for my amazing mom. (And amazing deceased dad.) But as a consequence of my experiences, I work out of the home. Thanks all for responding. Good-night!
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:45 PM Flag
OP, how you can say you "had to go on social security". Social Security isn't welfare! Your dependent children get it if you die, just like retirees get it. The children of rich people who die get it. But I can relate to you about how hard it was to suddenly find yourself working poor instead of middle class.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 08:09 PM Flag
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OP here: I agree with the life insurance point. I have accepted (and pay for) all kinds of insurance offered by my employer - I pay for the maximum amount of life insurance, income protection, disability. Someone earlier asked me if I've overcompensated. Here is where the answer is a resounding yes. But it comforts me to know that if I suddenly died, my family would get a lot of money to cover at least the financial loss.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:16 PM FlagOP, I am sorry to hear about your dad and the difficulties of your childhood, but with all due respect, you don't know every SAHM's personal story to be able to advise her what she should do with her life. My parents worked very hard and have a decent amount of $$. I know I could count on their help if anything ever happened to dh and I needed to go back to workf (which I plan to do in 3 years once ds is 5 and in K). I am also a highly educated woman and know I could find a well paying job even if I don't immediately earn what I would have had I not taken a bunch of years off.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:25 PM FlagWhy does everyone think i'm trying to advise SAHMs about what they should do with their lives? I have simply stated why I work (and I also mention I work b/c that is who I am, and I enjoy it). It's actually funny you say that I act like I know every SAHM's story. I was simply responding to some SAHM's post that said WOHMs work to get Ipads--my point was that no one knows others' stories.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:29 PM Flag-
Why do I have to post that? I posted my own story. To the post above yours, that is not what I'm describing. I would love to give my children a debt-free existence and pay for their down payments for a mortgage in Manhattan (if they want to live in the city) b/c I want them to choose to do whatever they want to have as a career without worrying about money. How is this telling SAHMs how to live?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:37 PM Flag
But that's a contradiction! You are in fact describing how you are working specifically because you want to give your kids luxury goods, like gadgets and vacations and a Manhattan apartment!
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:43 PM Flag
Your choices, given your feelings and experiences, are completely valid and understandable for YOU. It's sad that people are too wrapped up in either justifying their own decisions or denying any possible consequence of their own choices to admit that.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:20 PM FlagThis is interesting bc I am a SAHM and my dad died when I was 2. My mom and I didn't have it as bad as it sounds like you guys did, though. I guess it was bc I was an only child so less mouths to feed. My mom didn't have to go back to work right away, either. She finally went back full time when I was 7. But I hated it when she went back. Nothing was the same between us after that. So what I took from the experience was that I wanted to sah as long as possible BUT get a good degree as insurance if I needed it.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:24 PM Flag"Nothing was the same between you" after she got a job when you were 7 years old? I can hear a sad violin playing in the background...
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:34 PM Flag-
orig. or: well, sorry, but it's true -- I'm not saying that this is the case for every mom and her kids, so not trying to guilt anyone into sah, but in our situation, it changed big time. We had always been super close and then suddenly she wasn't home. She also didn't volunteer or show up for school things. Extra curricular activities were rare bc I always had to depend on someone else to shuttle me to them. It only got worse as I got older bc then she not only worked but was on this committee at church or that committee in the community, etc. I had to make my own dinners all the time, and since I didn't cook, they were those tiny microwave bowls of chicken and pasta and there were many, many days. Add to that the fact that I only ate a small bowl of french fries every day for lunch... My whole point is that I guess I hope I am a little more invested in my kids' lives. I realize to some degree she couldn't help the situation she found herself in, but since fortunately I am now not in that situation, I am going to make the most of being a hands-on mom.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:51 PM FlagWow, this alone would make me want to wohm, you sound like you were really not appropriately independent.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:16 PM FlagI don't think 8 year olds should have to make their own dinner or be latch-key kids. Sorry. But if it works for your family, hey...
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:20 PM FlagShe had time to be on various church and community committees and you are upset about this. Thisis abnormal.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:25 PM FlagWhat is abnormal about wanting to have time with your mom? She would go to work before I got up in the morning and come home long after I was in bed and I wouldn't get any face time with her for days! That's normal? If so, I hope my relationship with my kids is abnormal.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:29 PM FlagWhere did all the committee time come in? At first it was about cooking and extracurrics, now it is borderline abandonment. Keep going, it's getting interesting.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:32 PM FlagShe started with the committees when I was in jr high/high school -- church finance ctte, volunteer at the history museum, etc. The extra-currics were when I was in elementary school.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:39 PM FlagSeriously? You're complaining because she dis volunteer work when you were in HIGH SCHOOL?
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 08:01 PM FlagSo, what's your situation? Did you have the luxury of having one or maybe even both of your parents around during your teen years? Maybe you didn't care but I would have loved having my mom there for at least a little bit of time. It's not that she volunteered. It's that she worked (which she had to do) and then on top of that she spent tons of time away from me -- her choice.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 08:07 PM Flag
Perhaps you would have better off if your mother had gone back to work right away and invested the $$$ she used to SAH those first five years in more appropriate childcare.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:27 PM Flag
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Insurance against what? Since you think getting a job for even the most justifiable reason would completely destroy your relationship with your children.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 06:51 PM FlagInsurance so that if my husband died, like my dad did, I would be able to provide for my children and myself. I do not think that people should not work bc it will damage their relationship with their children. Obviously my mother did not have a choice and I am thankful for the time we had together. But it was definitely true for my mother and I that her going back to work changed our relationship and not for the better. I am sorry if that is a truth (for us, maybe not for everyone, but definitely for us and probably for other kids) you can't accept.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:00 PM FlagPoint was it is strange that what you refer to as your "insurance" is intended to create exactly the situation you found so difficult. That is not generally a goal that people have - usually they try to insure AGAINST a repeat of the unpleasant situation.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:10 PM FlagHuh? Sorry, I'm missing it. My point was (1) I really hope, based on my personal experience, that I can be more hands-on than my mom was. Hence, I am a sahm (as opposed to op's take which was the opposite, to be a wohm); but (2) IF the worst happens and dh dies and my kids are left w/o a father, I will be able to at least keep my kids financially secure by having a good degree. (Btw, I also chose my degree bc it can give me the flexibility to both make $ but also make my own hours/be my own boss, if I so choose.)
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:19 PM Flag
I am so tired to lisen SAHM justifiying their life style choice with 'is the best for my children'. while I understand than the few first years 1-2 is good for them, is not at all convincing that is good for the rest. It was your choice fine, it suits you and your personality. By 10 your children want you off their back. working doesn't mean negecting children, I have not miss a recital, soccer game etc ever, my children have vacations, birthday parties, and a great role model in their life.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:15 PM FlagSecond. And I have never met a man yet who truly believes it is a great sacrifice done FOR the children.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:21 PM FlagBtw, I don't feel like I have to "justify" anything. I just found it interesting that 2 people who came from similar backgrounds/childhoods, could end up with opposite views based on their experience. That's why I chimed in. I kind of feel like the tone I am hearing from the wohms who have responded has been pretty militant, which makes me think they feel they have something to justify. Which they shouldn't.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:27 PM FlagYeah, OK. And the SAHMs trashing the OP for daring to suggest that Hemothers choice to SAHM turned out
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:33 PM Flag^^^her mother's choice to SAH turned out not to be the best one aren't AT ALL militant.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:37 PM FlagI guess you are talking about the posters above this thread? I haven't read those. Maybe there are sahms trashing her there. They shouldn't be. The point of my post was not to trash her, I think I have been explicit about that. Again, I think it's just interesting that we have totally opposite perspectives coming from such a similar background.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:42 PM Flag-
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My friend's father died when she was in elementary school. There was a large life insurance settlement, and her mother never had to go back to work. She didn't have any other family, over time, more and more of her friends went back to work or otherwise went their separate ways, and the mother slowly went crazy. Literally - my friend had to have her involuntarily committed our senior year in HS. Obviously, there was depression and other stuff going on, but my friend blames in part the fact that the financial cushion allowed her mom to avoid adult life. She wishes her mother had gone out and gotten a job - even if she didn't need one.
[ Reply | More ]06.14.11, 07:49 PM Flag
[+] I am 5'3" and my target weight is 120 lbs. Shocked to read all these posts about how... 65 replies
- 120 is skinny for 5'3" -- only on UB would anyone disagree....
- used to be 25 hip and 100 lbs now im 28 in jeans. had first and only child 3 yrs ago. Unable to go back to the old size....
Talk : : June 12, 2011
I am 5'3" and my target weight is 120 lbs. Shocked to read all these posts about how that's considered so fat! Wonder how much everyone here weighs. (Btw, I was born and raised on the Upper West Side, and still live in Manhattan. I've been here long enough to know that such a disclaimer is necessary).
65 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.12.11, 05:41 PM Flag ]weight 161, 5-9, wish I weighed 145 again (my perfect weight)
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:46 PM Flagi'm you, 5'9.5 154 since db. wish i was back at 142 again. i was a little skinny, but that way i never felt guilty about eating anything as i had a cushion of a few pounds without feeling overweight. anything below 140 and i looked unhealthy. the thing i hate most about these extra 10 pounds is i never enjoy food anymore. too much guilt.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 08:19 AM Flag
5'2", 110. I'd look better 5 lbs lighter. But I have a very small frame and zero muscle.
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 05:50 PM Flag-
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5'2 and 106 lbs. Feel "chubby" (especially in the tummy area) with certain outfits, otherwise alright (Small bones, petite frame so look overweight easily)
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 07:02 PM Flag-
5'6 and 108lbs. I find this is my ideal, although I am at 112 right now, down from 117 earlier this month. Too many kiddie birthdays last month!
[ Reply | More ]06.12.11, 08:07 PM FlagYikes! I am the same height, and very thin at about 115. At 108, my friends would have an intervention for me.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 08:23 AM FlagSame exact boat. 5'6" and best 103-108 with large breasts. Up to 110 and not happy.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 08:28 AM FlagOR: Yes, I am a 32D naturally. Some people just have smaller frames, doesn't make them anorexic. As for the poster above who is calculating BMIs. That's ridiculous. You cannot calculate a BMI using someone's height and weight, you need to physically measure him/her.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 08:37 AM Flag
5'6, 130lbs. Love my body. An Italian size 40 is perfect for me (which I know is a 6! horrors!), but then I can go to J.Crew and wear a size 2. Never been told that I am fat.
[ Reply | More ]06.13.11, 08:47 AM Flag
[+] I feel like a wimp. I don't think I can handle having a second child. We have enough ... 66 replies
- decided to have another is that I was an only child and always desperately wanted a sibling. Still do.... does not make the argument bogus. Being an only means you absolutely have to do it yourself..., but somethign kept telling me there was another child out there for me, even though I wasn'...it's not a bogus point. With an only bearing the full brunt of this responsibility is...seem rather close. That being said, I think only children are great -- I posted above about...
Talk : : June 10, 2011
I feel like a wimp. I don't think I can handle having a second child. We have enough resources (not rich, but have enough, in my head), but I believe the emotional strain on me and my husband will be too great. I also enjoy the freedom that one brings. That said, I feel like a wimp.
66 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.10.11, 08:40 PM Flag ]-
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How old is dc? I felt like that when db was 1. By 2 I felt differently and by 2.5 I was pg. The second is easier in that you have already transitioned to life w/dc, so there's not so much upheaval. But 2 is also more work and stress, so if you don't want that be happy with one.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 08:49 PM Flag-
So don't have another. Why is that we NEED to have more than one? Dh is an only and happy at that. I have an older brother I've written out of my life. Having 2 may mean one turns out to be a dud. Be happy you have a nice life as is.
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:02 PM Flaglet's hope you and your dh are not too great an emotional strain on your only, while one may be enough for you are you going to be enough for them?
[ Reply | More ]06.10.11, 09:28 PM Flagdo people really think this way? i mean seriously? i don't think my parents had my brother and me to care for them in old age. this statement is illogical, i think.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:52 AM Flagit's also unfair. no child should be born with a "job"--and it's the parents responsibility to make provisions for their senior years. single people have to do this too. it's part of being a grown up. if one lucky to have their children look after them, then that is awesome--but it should not be expected.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 07:10 AM Flag
This is ridiculous! I am an only child and my parents are more than enough for me! Siblings are great but there's no guarantee just as there is no guarantee with parents. People have to do what's best for their families and I have to say myself and my slew of only-child friends did/are doing just fine.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 10:06 AM Flag
would you rather feel like a wimp and be realistic OR have a second because of imaginary pressure? i think you know what you want.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 01:38 AM FlagTwo is more of a challenge. If you feel up to the challenge then dont do it - definitely have another only if YOU want it, don't do it just to give your first one a sibling. There is a lot of joy seeing two together and loving each other that offsets the extra work though. And it does get way easier when they're older. Think long term too. Singles (I am one) have a lot of responsibility for elderly parents etc with no one to share that with, which is hard at times.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 02:29 AM FlagSo she's supposed to think long term, eg about responsibility, but not do it to give the first a sibling? I disagree. We had our second so our DS wouldn't be an only, she's the absolute life of my life, but did I know I wanted her, no.. I did it for him, and seeing them playing together is such a joy. In fact all day today they have played together since one goes to school they love spending time together on weekends.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 02:37 AM FlagThis argument is completely bogus. There are plenty of kids who flake out about taking care of their parents, whether they're onlies or not. Signed, hoping to have 2 DC, but not so I have 4 hands to wipe my a** in 50 years.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 03:31 AM FlagThat fact does not make the argument bogus. Being an only means you absolutely have to do it yourself or not at all. I cannot imagine going through all the health problems my parents are having now without my siblings. It would be miserably overwhelming.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 04:07 AM FlagYou don't get it. However we raise our kids, some of them are going to be nice and help us out when we're older, and some of them are going to be getting drunk in Vegas while Mommy gets put on a respirator. It doesn't matter whether they're onlies or not - some people are just jerks.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 04:59 AM FlagOf course but my point was if you are an only having to do all of this on your own is guaranteed. It's not in and of itself a reason to have multiple children, but it's not a bogus point. With an only bearing the full brunt of this responsibility is for sure. With multiple children it's only a possibility.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:00 AM Flag
OR: I have had to fly from the UK to NZ multiple times to help my aging mother, and finally find and place her into a Dementia Care unit of a Residential Home. I don't resent this - but its been stressful knowing that theres no one else but me to do this, and I'm juggling my own work and care for a two young kids as well. I fully realise that having siblings would be no guarantee for any help, but even if they weren't supportive i'd have somebody to complain about.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:02 AM FlagI'm OP and fully get this. I'm also sorry about your situation, but you sound like a really caring person. I still feel--would you agree--that this point is not enough of a reason to have another child. We have to want it! I also hope to be super active and responsible about figuring out long-term care for my husband and me.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:11 AM Flag
I get this so completely. I LOVE our life with one. DH and I have a great relationship with each other and with DD, we travel a ton, we don't feel crazed..
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 04:22 AM FlagI'm OP--I keep feeling that there is not a compelling reason for me to have another child, other than a sibling for my dc. I really don't think that's enough of a reason. All the rest of the anxiety and angst is connected to society. I love how balanced and relatively peaceful our lives as three are. Still, the anxiety that we're making the wrong decision for my son and maybe ultimately for us, lingers.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 05:28 AM FlagYou sound like a confident person who knows what they want and is not swayed by peer pressure. How lucky your one DC is to have you as a parent. I feel the same, though part of my reluctance is wanting to have a strong marriage that allows for adult time--we don't think we have the resources to do this with too--health, time, money though our best friends have five and they excel at marriage and parenting. To each their own, right?
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 06:20 AM FlagDon't be too hard on yourself. If you feel the emotional strain will be too great then it's probably best for everyone, imaginary db #2 included, to not have a second. This doesn't make you a wimp. No one would think that of you.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 07:14 AM FlagYou don't have a 2nd child to not feel like a wimp. We have an only and it's fine with me. No big deal. I'll admit I don't want the extra work and like the family dynamic the way it is. We have a dog.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 07:15 AM Flagha! love it. and now all the people will say...uh, do you expect Spot to help care for you in old age?
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 07:22 AM FlagYou know he's really smart so you never know. Dh told me he got Trouble's paw print on a will willing all of Leona's money to my pup. We may have to fight it in court but I spoke to a lawyer and he told me we have a chance to win given this is NYC and very liberal.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:26 AM Flag
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 08:08 AM FlagI love the way my kids get along. The are older now and great friends at school and camp.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 09:30 AM FlagHow old is #1? We couldn't even contemplate #2 until #1 was 3. I have to say the transition was so much easier than I thought, and in many ways #2 is easier than #2. I find the 4 yr age difference to be perfect and they play together and seem rather close. That being said, I think only children are great -- I posted above about my friends and myself. I loved being an only. I had 2 because I wanted to parent 2 not because I thought my first needed a sibling.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 10:09 AM Flagfirst few years of young children are particularly difficult.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 10:58 AM Flag-
You don't have to have more. The second is a cake walk compared to the first - just in case you're wondering.
[ Reply | More ]06.11.11, 12:04 PM Flag
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[+] Have been trying for #2 forever and at the end of the road for IVF w/ my own eggs. Ca... 4 replies
Talk : : June 09, 2011
[+] So annoyed right now. Just found out SIL is not planning to vaccinate. WTF! 119 replies
- and if my nephew or another immunocompromised cancer child catches it because of decreased herd immunity, I...severe intestinal problems. these vaccines are new and only the short term impacts have been studied. roto...is Rotovirus which is a disease that's only a big deal for babies, but it's...mos old in the 60s. I'm the only child in my family who was baptized in...confusion about vaccine injury. When somebody believes their child has a vaccine injury, the court does not...
Talk : : June 09, 2011
So annoyed right now. Just found out SIL is not planning to vaccinate. WTF!
119 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.09.11, 07:06 AM Flag ]Tell her your children won't be able to play with her children.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:06 AM FlagTell her she will have zero interaction with her niece/nephew. It probably won't change her mind, but that way you are warning her and she cannot hold it against you in the future that she doesn't see them.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:10 AM Flagthat doesn't make any sense because if OP's kids are vaccinated, they are protected. it's SIL's kids that are at risk anywhere they go.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:13 AM Flaga vaccination isnt foolproof and part of the reason it works is because of the herd effect. while sil is taking a bigger risk w/ her own kids, she is also, to a lesser extent, taking the risk for those around her children. and frankly, it's unbelievably selfish.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:16 AM Flagpp: ITA. When I was preg, I was VERY VERY Obsessed w/ vaccine and was SURE I wasn't going to vaccinate. Then my dd was born and the real world hit and I thought... if she gets measles b/c I was an ass, I'll never forgive myself. Also knew that I would be contributing to the abundance of stupid parents who are helping diseases that have been near obsolete return. We vaccinate, just one shot at a time :)
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:23 AM Flagthe measles are only really dangerous to pg women. Very small risk to cause sterility in males. Everyone got them in before the vaccine. I'm not anti-vaccine - but people need to come down to earth. Not everything we vaccinate against is deadly. Most is pretty much eradicated - measles are one of the only things that still pop up from time to time. I do vaccinate my kids fully - I just get annoyed when people are misinformed - on both sides of the spectrum.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 08:02 AM FlagIm sorry but you are mistaken. How about you tell the parents who have children that have gotten very sick from measles that it's only 'really dangerous' to pregnant women. Also, polio: killed MANY people... Hep: again!... tetanus: hello?.... whooping cough: really, need I go on? The only ones not deadly are the elective ones: Roto, chx pox, flu and even those can make children VERY sick.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 08:09 AM FlagKids can get very sick from lots of things - measles is rarely deadly - the flu can be deadly - crossing the street can be deadly - you need to put things in perspective. Measles can leave a male sterile and can be severe for a pg woman. It's no different from chicken pox otherwise. Roto and chicken pox aren't elective in many places - wish the pox was elective - that's the only one I'd decline for my kids. There hasn't been a case of polio in the US in ages and -again- I am all for vaccines - just like to inform myself of the actual risks and diseases. Roto is a bad tummy ache. Of course I don't want my kids to get it and I vaccinate - but it's not deadly in a healthy child.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 09:49 AM Flagyour child may leave the us in the future, or be around people who have travelled. polio is no joke.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 09:51 AM FlagRoto can cause dehydration and death also. But yeah, it's mainly like a real bad stomach virus. So why not give your baby a shot to avoid 2 weeks of stomach virus misery and possible dehydration??
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:55 PM Flagnp: do you know why the roto vax has been out less than 5 years? bc the old one had to be stopped bc it was causing severe intestinal problems. these vaccines are new and only the short term impacts have been studied. roto vax is not a short btw it's oral and the risk of getting rotovirus for a BF baby not in daycare is extremely low. so why add 3 more doses of a not that well tested concoction to my young baby? i did it for my younger on ebut i totally get why someone would skip it.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:02 PM Flagour ped said pre-vax he had 1 kid in the hospital every other year bec of roto. post-vax, none.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:30 PM Flaginteresting. intussusception was caused by a vaccine? i had it a 5 mos old in the 60s. I'm the only child in my family who was baptized in our nonreligious family as a result. The old catholic fear kicked in and my parents baptized me in case I didn't make it out of surgery. Needless to say, I made it!
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 05:52 PM Flag
omg that's so dangerous. Did you hear of the 3 new MEASLES cases...2 older ppl and one toddler. None have been abroad so it's being spread here. That's 13 cases since January
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:07 AM Flagnp--Here's a NYC link: http://gothamist.com/2011/06/08/oh_no_theres_a_measles_outbreak_and.php
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:09 AM Flag-
- [ Removed by moderator ] [ More ]06.09.11, 07:35 AM
Why can't parents of those newborns who caught whooping cough in the CA outbreak sue him in civil court? Class action lawsuit. They should attempt it, and include wacko narcissistic Jenny McCarthy in the lawsuit too. Take every penny she has. Everybody needs to speak up. The one thing that may end this nonsense is to make it socially unacceptable, by encouraging everybody to stop being quietly politically correct (like the media is about the issue due to the celebrity factor) and instead speak out strongly against the practice and not just anonymously on the internet.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 11:18 AM Flag
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no. if it's op's SIL it totally has an impact on OP. now HER children will be hanging out with their cousins who will be unvaccinated. that's utterly ridiculous.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:12 AM Flag-
OP - I told her the kids won't be allowed to play with each other until they are about 5. I've still got a little time to try and convince her. Anyone out there not vaccinate? Can you tell me why?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:20 AM Flagand honestly, you should ask her how she plans to manage family gatherings until that time. (although, honestly, i'm not sure why the age matters...) why don't you get out a calendar with her and ask her which ones she will attend and which ones you will attend.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:26 AM FlagI posted above about wanting to not vaccinate while pregnant. Basically, many parents choose not to vaccinate b/c a) they are concerned b/c of the side effects and b) they think our bodies 'can fight off things naturally.' It's usually an over educated UMC white family, I hate to say it. We fit into that group :(, but we eventually snapped out of it and realized that it's nice to think that we can not vaccinate b/c we're scared, but its part of life and 'has to be done.' Also, isn't it the case that dcs cannot go to public school if not vaccinated?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:28 AM Flag
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She is putting everyone elses kids at risk too. Nit just hers, not g
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:59 AM FlagWhat about my nephew, who has leukemia (very immunocompromised) and can't be vaccinated with live vaccines like the MMR right now? And if he catches measles from this OP's niece/nephew, his immune system is not strong enough to fight it off like other people's, so he will be dangerously sick, if not dead, if he catches it. He RELIES on herd immunity. People like OP's SIL are just taking selfish advantage of herd immunity for their own convenience. And it will lead to increases in measles cases (among other diseases) and if my nephew or another immunocompromised cancer child catches it because of decreased herd immunity, I hope she can still sleep at night.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:58 PM Flag
Yes, I am a healthcare worker and just received an email alert from department of health about measles cases in NYC. 13 total, 3 of them kids. We have been instructed to isolate anyone who comes in with febrile rash.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:23 AM FlagUGH we just got the same letter in Maryland today (only one case nearby, luckily). Annoyed at the ridiculous isolation procedures we'll have to do now (for good reason, though, of course). Can't people just get over themselves and vaccinate their precious snowflakes? Your kid is not going to catch the autism from the vaccine, that has been widely disproven in multiple studies, has it not?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:00 PM Flag
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As the poster above wrote - she's worried about side effects and THINKS that our bodies can fight off infection successfully. Mind you she has no medical degree. I'm sure that some family in India would love her vaccines.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:45 AM Flagshe realy doesn't understand the measles, polio, whooping cough can kill?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:50 AM FlagAnd even if her own kids survive, someone elses kids might not because of her selfish mentality. For vaccines to work, everyone that can must participate. It's called herd immunity. If there is one thing modern medicine has done right it's the eradication of childhood diseases that used cause tremendous suffering and death.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:58 AM Flag
My mother was against vaccinating so I don't see the big deal. I got the chicken pox but was otherwise healthy. And because I know you will ask, yes I vaccinated but I did it on a delayed schedule, I do not feel comfortable give a newborn a vaccine. Both my DC's wil be completly up to date by K. DD was up to date by age 4, but DS will not have his MMR until K. Go ahead flame on.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:40 AM Flag-
OP - Can you explain to me why? This is not a flame. I'm really trying to understand what evidence there is to show that you shouldn't vaccinate your child other than a bogus study that's been debunked a million times over. And for the record - I also had chicken pox and if someone told me I didn't have to have it by getting a shot believe me I would have taken it.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:48 AM Flagnot or... there are millions of cases of children being 'injured' by vaccines and yes it really does happen. Things like allergic shock, fever so high it results in comas, actually getting the disease you are vaccinating against, etc. These things happen and like I said above it's these cases that scare parents into not getting the shots. When I was considering not vaccinating, I looked at the odds of getting the disease and dying from it or dying from the vaccine. We got the vaccines. Also, many parents believe there is a link to autism and vaccines.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:53 AM FlagNP: I think there may be a little confusion about vaccine injury. When somebody believes their child has a vaccine injury, the court does not typically rule on whether or not the injury actually occurred because of the vaccine. This is virtually impossible to demonstrate, and it would hang up cases in the court system forever. So these cases are just paid for out of a lump sum meant to deal with vaccine injuries. Payment does not mean that the injury was "determined" to be due to vaccines. It is a strange system.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 06:00 PM Flag
Most people do not feel children that their children should be injected with the extra chemicals used to make vaccines. There have also been others whose children or know of children who have had very bad allergic reactions to vaccines. I started vaccinating DS at age 18mo and his first 2 vaccines swelled up his legs for 3mo, and he ran a fever for a week after. For me that was enough to postpone his next vaccine until 24mo and then he will still only get one at a time. There have been lots of studies done that show vaccines can be harmful to some DC's at a young age, even if say half are bogus this is enough for me to postpone it until I feel their bodies are better able to deal with it.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:56 AM FlagI almost forgot you should send her the Dr. Sears book on vaccines which advocates for delayed vaccine she will probably be more receiving of this than telling her to vaccinate her newborn.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:58 AM FlagParaphrase: Some parents are stupid, but insist on thinking they are much, much smarter than everyone else.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:59 AM Flag
np: the long term health consequences of the current vax schedule (which is far greater than what we got as kids) have not been studied, but there is growing evidence that it is seriously impacting the way our bodies' immune and neurological systems function in the long term. i don't see why people think it's such a stretch that if you inject people with many substances in order to stimulate their immune response a certain way, it might also trigger other unintended immune responses down the road - like the increase in autoimmune disorders.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:08 PM Flag
My DC's don't start until 4, they take group activities like little gym throughout the week. It is a state law that you don't have to vaccinate for public schools, but their is a special form you have to fill out.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 07:50 AM FlagWhat do your "feelings" have to do with anything in making such an important decision. Yeah I'm going to flame you. Because there's no difference between you going all anti-science in deciding not to vaccinate, and the right wing creationist crazies who reject all science all because of their strong "feelings". What is this world coming to. It's the dark ages all over again.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 11:08 AM Flag-
Not to most people, but to immunocompromised kids it is a very big deal. I know, let's put all of the children getting chemotherapy at FURTHER risk of death by not vaccinating our perfectly healthy children, and then having those children pass chicken pox onto some poor child who is in desperate need of some herd immunity.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 03:42 PM Flag
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And still her right. You do know there are children injured by the MMR right? Read a little about vaccine court.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 08:01 AM Flagnp: And people are hurt by airbags. But disabling them for an adult in the front seat would still be stupid.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 08:15 AM FlagBut you disable them for a child in the front seat. So that argument was useless.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 10:25 AM FlagNP: They are disarmed because airbags are not designed to provide the same level of safety to children. It is a totally valid analogy.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 10:28 AM FlagRight, it balances for the greater good- not the individual case. But a person may be concerned about their own individual case and not herd immunity. There are injuries that arise from vaccines and the law says each individual can balance these risks for themselves in the case of vaccines.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 10:54 AM Flag
I read all there is to read (was against MMR initially, then changed my mind) and completely disagree wtih you. But then again, there were people who were against all vaccines at one time or another. I guess you can't help that some people are irrational.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 09:15 AM FlagExcuse me, I am rational and an MD and I resent the implication that any logical educated person would not have concerns. And I vaccinated on a modified schedule.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 10:26 AM FlagI am also a pediatrician and I have never, ever met another respected physician who believed in a modified vaccination schedule. Yes, some of us do it while grinding our teeth because parents insist, but nobody actually believes that it is a good way to go. I am very suspicious that you are truly a medical doctor.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 03:44 PM FlagI will resist the obvious joke about this is how you landed in peds, but I will say that my kids pedi says I am typical for his dr. Parents in that I try to direct care. Unless you were their child's pedi, there would be no reason for a random cardiologist or surgeon to tell you this, we know the official position.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 06:10 PM Flag
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Question (I really don't know, that's why I am asking): If your kids are vaccinated and playing with unvaccinated kids, isn't it the unvaccinated kids who are at risk?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 09:16 AM FlagVaccines aren't 100%, the whole point of mandatory vaccination is to increase herd immunity so that there will be fewer (or no) outbreaks where people who are vaxed could still get sick. Our nanny is from W Africa and comes from a MC urban family there where everyone was vaxed, but people she knew still got sick bc it's far from universal in some regions. It is very interesting to hear the perspective of someone who has SEEN polio, measles, etc.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 09:34 AM FlagYeah. The vaxed kids aren't at much risk and actually, because most people do vax, the risk to unvaxed and otherwise healthy kids is really small--they most likely can fight off an infection. But frail or elderly aren't so able to fight off the infections. So the unvaxed pretty much benefit from everyone else's immunity, while increasing risk to others.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:15 PM Flag
Hey OP. Send your SIL a couple of YouTube links of children with whooping cough. This ought to change her mind real quick! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuvn-vp5InE
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 10:24 AM FlagITA. Google "The Sound of Pertussis" and you'll hear a little infant gasping for breath, valiantly trying to survive. Anyone could listen to that and not get the vax is heartless. Even if that baby survived, why put it through such suffering? Would submit yourself to the same?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:07 PM Flag-
NP My totally vaccinated ds got RSV at age 2. It is really common. Sucked but he was not a newborn so just very sick and miserable, but not terrifying, race to the ER sick. I am 100 percent for vaccines, both kids totally on schedule, but not sure there is a vaccine for RSV
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:17 PM FlagThere is but it is VERY expensive. Every year kids die of RSV.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 12:18 PM Flagit's only covered by insurance for kids w health conditions that make RSV more dangerous to them. it's not on the mandatory schedule.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:10 PM FlagCorrect, and yet every year seemingly healthy children get RSV and are hospitalized and/or die. It is a financial decision, not one based on the best interests of your child. Interesting, isn't it?
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:12 PM Flagall vax are about money - the reason so many are on the mandatory schedule is so that pharmaceutical companies can make money. don't worry RSV will be there soon enough. if your kid is the one with RSV it's traumatic, but no more so than if your kid is the one with the vax injury.
[ Reply | More ]06.09.11, 01:14 PM Flag
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[+] At what age are dcs when you think it's ridiculous to be a SAHM. 71 replies
- When the youngest child starts school....
- My only child will be in 1st grade next year and I'...2) the first 5 years of life are when a child develops her core personality, so DH and I thought it...DC is in school FT, so many people think the only way for a parent to be available after school hours,...
Talk : : June 08, 2011
At what age are dcs when you think it's ridiculous to be a SAHM.
71 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.08.11, 02:06 PM Flag ]-
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i wasnt trying to be funny. i know a woman like this. got married. quit her job. spends her time making the apartment look nice and shopping. she says she's "staying home"
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:13 PM Flagbut she isn't saying she's a "stay at home mom" so what's the problem?
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:15 PM Flagsounds good to me. jealous? i am, and i don't even know her.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:20 PM Flag
I agree. My great granddaddy always said the best way to keep your man is to keep your job. lol I met a young woman who actually quit her job while planning the wedding and made it very clear she was not returning to work. All I could do was shake my head.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:19 PM FlagITA, but there are some men who really like that. and some women.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:21 PM Flagi'm sorry, we are not put on this earth to not contribute. if you are fortunate enough to be in a financial situation that you do not have to work, it is even more incumbent on you to find a way to make the world a better place. if you make the decision that the best way to do that, for a time, is to be with your children for a time, okay, fine. but to sit around and spend your days shopping? no way. that's just an embarrassment.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:32 PM Flag-
I quit before I got pregnant, and it was the right decision. My former job was very high stress and I was traveling 2 weeks of every month. In the last year it was really bad, working crazy hours for a terrible CEO. It was taking a physical toll in that I was losing weight and had trouble sleeping from nervous energy. DH and I agreed that I did not want to be in that condition while TTC and pregant. I quit, did yoga and took lots of long walks, relaxed, etc. It was my year off, 2 months TTC and 9 months pregnant. It was the right choice.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 04:28 PM Flag
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IDA. In the baby years its easy to WOHM because you have either daycare or a nanny. Unless you want to keep the FT nanny forever it gets difficult when they're in school due to their activities, random holidays and 1/2 days, homework, and the fact that you need to talk to them more about what's going on with them and their friends so you don't miss any signs of trouble.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:14 PM FlagITA agree that is more difficult to WOHM with a school aged childe. It was easy when the nanny was there full-time and DC did not "voice" requests about playdates, after-school actvities and when you did not spend your evenings doing homework. I still WOHM but it is much harder.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:45 PM Flag
ITA. The SAHM here on UB like to claim that it's the school-aged DC who *really* needs a parent at home because they need an excuse not to go back to work.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:18 PM FlagI'm a WOHM and I think it's more important to be at home when they are older. My nanny did a great job taking care of my babies and toddlers and preschoolers. But the social/emotional issues of a pre-teen are kicking my butt! I'm ready to quit and stay home to be the one who is there after school, to get to know the families of her friends and her friends better. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:21 PM Flag
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If a woman has somewhat troublesome or overly needy teens, I find it completely respectable and sometimes necessary for one parent to be home before/after school to keep the kids out of trouble. I had friends that had to get home to moms/dads after school through high school and those kids very rarely got in trouble. I did not have that, but started working at the age of 15, so that kept me out of trouble too.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:12 PM FlagMy DH agrees with you, I told him I wanted to go back to work once our youngest started school but our oldest would be starting middle school and he thought I was mad he brought up the exact same argument. He wants me to pick up DD from middle school and take her to activites, he is very serious about this. DH claimed that he got into the most trouble starting middle school because his parents worked so much and they thought him responsible enough to stay out of trouble. This is an interesting argument
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:16 PM Flag
My ds in first gr and I a unemployed and think that it would be ridiculous not to work even if I did not have to. There are a lot of hours in the day. That being said there are some sahm's that volunteer at school for everything and they are awesome. They seem to always be at the school doing something and the school would not be the same without them.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:15 PM Flag-
I think it's ridiculous that once a DC is in school FT, so many people think the only way for a parent to be available after school hours, for activities, etc. is to remain out of the work force completely. I wish there were more options for parents (meaning, mothers and fathers) to work PT, flex-time, WAH, etc. And, seriously, in a country where the majority of parents DO work, why do we have a school day that ends several hours before the end of the average work day?
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:42 PM FlagKids need a parent home MORE when they are school age (referring to afterschool hours). Since most jobs don't allow you to be home by 3:30pm, I think WOHM until 2nd grade or so, then SAH if you want what is best for the kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 02:46 PM Flag2 weeks. Come on, you lazy SAHMs! Get back to work before your DH leaves you and your co-workers outpace and outearn you! If you don't, you are ruining 100+ years of feminism!
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 03:34 PM Flag-
I quit my job when DH got an overseas transfer and we didn't even have any kids. I was issued a "housewife" visa and had no authorization to work. We had a cook, a driver and a (male) housekeeper. It was the best time of my life!
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 03:38 PM FlagI would LOVE to try that! I'm inbetween jobs right now (I know that my next one is starting soon- paperwork issues with the state board- but I don't know exactly when, and my new boss is getting irritable that it's been a couple weeks already... so while I have time off now, I'm worried about money issues- not married yet- and worried that my new boss will terminate my contract because of the state board being slow before I even start.) It's not the same to be not working when you need money :(
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 05:13 PM Flag
When the youngest is 12-ish. Middle-schoolers do not "need you at home", and 12-year-olds should be perfectly capable of getting to and from school and activities without you and doing homework alone.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 05:47 PM Flagits never ridiculous to be a sahm even if you don't have children. if you dont need to work and you dont have to work, who really cares what it is you are doing with your time?
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 05:56 PM Flag
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[+] Pros to having only one child? 36 replies
- noise. I'm sad sometimes that there will be only 1, but when I spend time with families of...kids in the way on conflicting with schedule. My mom was an only child and she would have only...but I know people who loved having big families. Only you know what's right for you and your...
- I love when I hear only children say that they love/loved it. Have one...they were raised as onlies. Funny. I have an only (not by choice) and she...
Talk : : June 08, 2011
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the same pros as having any dc..it's a blessing to have at least one. The unconditional love, the headaches, the laughter, ect and you will have on tuition for school or camp if you choose.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 04:22 AM Flag-
Many kids thrive on the extra attention they get from their parents when they are onlies and end up very successful.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 04:33 AM FlagI'm an only. Some pros I can think of-parents had more financial resources to send me to college, camps. I learned to entertain myself and value downtime.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 05:19 AM FlagIt's far easier to have your own career and life if you only have one.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 05:27 AM Flag-
You can take them to all the broadway shows they want, music lessons, acting lessons and auditions, dance classes and all without anymore kids in the way on conflicting with schedule. My mom was an only child and she would have only had one child but she had twins instead.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 08:05 AM FlagI'm an only. I loved it as a kid, but I know people who loved having big families. Only you know what's right for you and your family.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:09 PM FlagMy dad was an only until he was 15! He loved it. His sister was born and he went to college a few years later. So they were raised as onlies. Funny. I have an only (not by choice) and she
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:35 PM FlagSorry, me above. When she was younger she asked for a sibling, but doesn't seem to care now. She is 10. Her best friend is an only and they get along well. Having an only does increase the parent/child bond I think. But I would have liked to have had more. Good luck. Enjoy your child. It all goes by so quickly.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:36 PM Flag
Mine seems really happy. Popular too. I felt guilty too about not being able to provide a sibling. But she will be growing up with alot of friends who are onlies. Some of her friends with siblings don't get along with their sisters/brothers. So she see that it's not all roses. My relationship with my brother is troubled. There is no perfect scenario.
[ Reply | More ]06.08.11, 07:38 PM Flag
[+] I think I want to get pregnant again w db#2. DB is almost 1 and I think DH and I are... 22 replies
- Why rush it then? Enjoy time with your child instead of focusing on what's next....
- Btw I'm 5mo pg with #2 and #1 is only 10mo. I am so completely in love with db I totally understand your..., I'm also mom to a almost 1year old and feel that pang (and previosuly really was plannng on being an only child family)...
Talk : : June 07, 2011
I think I want to get pregnant again w db#2. DB is almost 1 and I think DH and I are ready but I am nervous bc I feel like I don't want to lose that precious alone time with my bb. Should we try now or wait?
22 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.07.11, 06:53 PM Flag ]The first yr is hard, it's kind of a blur to me now. But then it's so nice to have them on the same schedule, and have them entertain each other.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 06:57 PM Flagor: did you feel like you lost that special bond between you and your first db? that is my worry but i am sure we will just adapt. i am just so in love with db and i cherish our time together so much.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:00 PM FlagOR: I'll be honest. Yes, I did feel that way. You can never recapture that time with fist db, because having two makes everything crazier. But, you won't believe how much db #1 loves db #2 and vice versa. Plus, my whole family gelled in a way that we hadn't before. It just felt more complete, somehow.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:06 PM FlagOP: LOVE your reply and you are so right that I just feel like it's the right time and the right thing for my family. There's gonna be a lot of sex going on in my house, HA!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:12 PM FlagSo basically OP just wanted people to respond "go for it" and didn't really want advice
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:15 PM FlagOP: no, I think I wanted to hear opinions from people who had BTDT. your reply does me no good. blah!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:16 PM FlagPeople who have 1 and decided to space further apart have BTDT. Do you honestly not see that? They are offering another perspective.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:23 PM FlagOP: yes, I do see this which is why I posted the thread. it's also nice to be able to be anon here since it's not exactly a topic I chat about with my friends. it's private and this is a place I can share things that I consider private. geeeez, go away nasty responder.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:45 PM Flag
If you're ready now, you will be readyyyyy in 9 months :-) GL!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:00 PM Flag-
Btw I'm 5mo pg with #2 and #1 is only 10mo. I am so completely in love with db I totally understand your apprehension. But #2 has just started to kick and I am so incredibly excited to meet her, I'm already so in love! And I pray so much they all grow was close as they are in age!!
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:04 PM Flag
np: I disagree. I had that same pang of wanting a newborn around 12 months, I think it's the sentimentality of the 1 year birthday. I'm so glad I waited though because toddlerhood is hard and most moms I know with kids less than 24 months apart want to kill themselves most of the time, at least until db2 is 2-3 yo.
[ Reply | More ]06.07.11, 07:03 PM Flag
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[+] Which factors would make you not want to adopt? 18 replies
- Health problems (unknown) of adopted child...
- would have had an easier time in life. He also might have had it easier as an only child, so that his parents could have given more...of an attachment disorder with international adoption. I would only adopt a newborn....
- from my family and friends would probably be the only thing that would actually keep me from doing it...
Talk : : June 06, 2011
Which factors would make you not want to adopt?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.06.11, 07:30 PM Flag ]-
My sister was adopted and there were problems. We never figured out what they stemmed from, either her issues of being "abandoned" by her birth parents or general psych issues from parents. I say this knowing there are lots of wonderful kids that would love a home and knowing kids that have been adopted and things have gone smoothly.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 07:46 PM FlagIf I already had my own biological children. DH has cousins (one is adopted and screwed up, one is biological and successful) and I think it was hard for the adopted one to find his place in the family vis-a-vis his brother. I think if they both had been adopted, it would have been easier for him to adjust and he would have had an easier time in life. He also might have had it easier as an only child, so that his parents could have given more care and support to him.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 07:57 PM FlagWhile I would never admit it to anyone IRL, 99% of all adopted people I know have issues that are unrelated to parents, upbringing etc. Genetics are king.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:16 PM Flag-
Ok, but it has been mine. Been very close with 7 adopted dc/now adults all have encountered and continue to struggle with issues stemming from addiction where no addition exists in adoptive family, violence where no violence existed, psychological disorders where no psych disorder existed int he family. Obviously not every adopted DC will have problems but IMO most will do. DCs put up for adoption are not coming from originally stable backgrounds and parents. Just a fact.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 09:00 PM FlagWow. As an adopted person, I take real offense to this. I have no drug, psychological, or violent tendencies. I am a well adjusted mom in a long term marriage. You say well it is only "my experience" but your implication is taht all adopted children have problems. Listen, adopted children can have issues, no doubt about it but so can biological children and sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. The biggest hurdle to an adopted child often does not stem from the child but the parents who either through ignorance or bias, treat the children differently. Sometimes it is so subtle, that the parents are not aware they are doing it. You obviously believe in nature not nurture. Recognize that and don't make generalizations.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 10:19 PM Flag
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[+] Well-behaved kids: Nature or nurture? 48 replies
- about the match between parenting personality and the child's personality....
- off parenting will still result in a well-bahaved child and there are the opposite kids, where even...inclination towards good behavior. if you have a child that is at all willfull, stubborn or too...
- Let me guess, your child is not well-behaved....
- I'm an only child and have an only child, so I may not be...
Talk : : June 06, 2011
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Considering I have polar opposites I am going with Nature on this one.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 07:29 AM Flag-
Mostly nature. I have 3 dc and they are all very different in terms of their behavior.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 07:34 AM FlagBoth. I mean there are kids whose nature is such that the most lax hands off parenting will still result in a well-bahaved child and there are the opposite kids, where even the most attentive, strict parenting will not, but for the most part, parents need to consistently model and enforce rules on good beahvior in order to have well-behaved kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:02 AM FlagI agree - except that strict and lax are parenting styles - there are good and bad parents on both sides of the spectrum.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:16 AM Flagyes and no. i think that in order to be successful w a lax parenting style, you need children w an inclination towards good behavior. if you have a child that is at all willfull, stubborn or too much of a free spirit and you don't set any boundaries at all, they will run all over you.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:23 AM FlagITA. You can be too strict, but almost always being lax is not good for your child.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:37 AM FlagITD - We are very lax - that doesn't mean our children have no boundaries or run wild. It does mean that we give them lots of freedom and have few 'rules'. We're active and involved parents and our kids are responsible and very mature for their ages.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 10:19 AM Flagor: some little kids don't hit other kids, not bc it's a "rule" but bc they're not inclined to do so. i never once had to tell my older one "we don;t hit people" whereas my younger child did in fact have to be told this several times when he was around 2yo. so having few rules works w certain kids, but it's never going to work with other kids. MOST kids who have lax parents are not responsible and mature. you're lucky to have the kind of child that allows you to parent that way.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 11:09 AM Flag
both. but (as an elementary school teacher), the parents who say it's 100% nature are the worst at nurture.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:54 AM FlagI agree that it can be molded somewhat by nurture, but honestly I could see the stark differences in mine by 18 months, and there's not a whole lot of nurture that goes on before that. Yes, you can be a good role model for an 18 month old, but aside from stern talking to and short time-outs if they grab toys or hit another toddler, there's not a whole lot of behavioral stuff that goes on before that, is there?
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:57 AM Flagnp: parenting/nurture cannot change their personality, but it can very much impact their behavior.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 09:00 AM Flagthat's why I say it's both. by the time your kids reach me, though (at 7 or 8), the parents who justify bad behavior with things like "of COURSE she hit him -- he was teasing her" or "you can't possibly expect a child to follow ALL the rules ALL the time" are the ones with, you guessed it, kids who exhibit bad behavior. parents who reinforce school rules at home and are supportive of classroom discipline policies are rarely the ones whose kids are ill-behaved.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 09:01 AM Flaggotcha. Side question...DC1 is the easier one and DC2 is...more challenging. Should I use DC1's behavior as an example or is that just going to foster resentment.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 09:06 AM FlagI'm an only child and have an only child, so I may not be the best person to ask. but it seems like there is no WAY for that not to breed resentment. (I have a cousin I was always compared to, and as adults, we hate each others' guts.) I'd guess the better way to make it work would be just to spend more time working on clear, defined behavioral goals (and consequences) with both DCs. maybe DC1 will never NEED those consequences, but the rules should be consistent for both.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 09:10 AM Flag
I think nature makes each kid different BUT good nurturing makes for well behaved kids and good nurturing is -- among other things -- about understanding what works with different kids.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 08:59 AM Flag-
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it's never that simple. the same parents that parent both their kids the same way and have vastly different 2 year olds, can just as easily have vastly different 12 year olds. to say it was totally out of their hands in the beginning but then all their fault a decade later is unrealistic. think about how many crappy kids, bullies, teachers' nightmares, etc. have wonderfully behaved sibings
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 10:18 AM Flag
nurture. have you seen how some parents deal with their ill-behaved children? it is no wonder they are ill-behaved.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 10:16 AM FlagI would say both. I have a very well behaved dd. I realize that she is naturally a good kid but that doesn't mean that I didn't put a lot of work into making sure she knew what was acceptable behavior and working hard to be consistent with rules and punishments. I see so many parents making empty threats and turning the other cheek when they don't feel like dealing.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 10:41 AM Flagmostly nature. It's the parents job to do their best with what they've been given. Some dc require relatively little work on the part of the parents. I was like that. All my mother had to do was raise an eyebrow and I fell into line. I have one dc like that, and another that requires 20 times the work on my part to "parent" him to "well-behaved," and even then it's no guarantee. But in other ways he is such a wonderful interesting kid.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 11:03 AM Flag
[+] We will never decide about whether or not to have dc#2. What are the most important q... 17 replies
- a whole-family thing for me/us. The dc as only child was a really hard concept for us,...dh couldn't get his mind around loving another child like he loves first ds....
- , but needed to feel some longing for another child or some sense that our family wasn't complete...
- But that means having a second child to provide for the first, not because you...studies, people are less happy with each additional child at first, but when they are old the more...
Talk : : June 05, 2011
We will never decide about whether or not to have dc#2. What are the most important questions to ask ourselves when making this impossible decision. I am 34, by the way.
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.05.11, 08:44 PM Flag ]do you really want db to be an only child? some people say yes, some no.
[ Reply | More ]06.05.11, 08:47 PM Flag-
We agonized about this for years. Basically, we asked ourselves what our vision was for the family and for ourselves; we talked about our personal goals and interests (professional aspirations, hobbies, etc.); what kind of experiences and opportunities we wanted for our children (travel, type of schooling, socialization, etc.); and our vision for the marriage. Based on those variables, we took an honest look at our resources of time, patience, money and availability and asked how many kids we could have and still achieve our vision. It took a long time, but the discussions were very valuable and helped clarify our priorities. Ultimately we felt good about our decision.
[ Reply | More ]06.05.11, 08:52 PM Flagthank you for this lengthy response. what scares me is the difference in desires and perspective that age brings, as in i am not who i was at 24. while i am not interested in having another at this point at 34, i am concerned that i might feel differently at 44. does that make sense?
[ Reply | More ]06.05.11, 08:54 PM FlagYes, it makes sense. I worried about the same thing. But ultimately, all any of us can do is make the best decision with the information we have at the time. I think going through a very thoughtful process about family size has helped me be at peace with a decision that was very difficult to make. In other words, I'll never be able to know what would have been, but I have complete faith in the process I used to reach a decision. So far no regrets (I'm 38), but if that should happen later, I'll know that I made the choice actively, not passively.
[ Reply | More ]06.05.11, 08:58 PM Flag
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best thing we ever did but it was always our plan. I've met many lovely people who were singles but not in our family - they're all nightmares. Our dc's 2.5 apart adore and tease each other. Plus keep us from being too overbearing. They will always have each other.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 01:21 AM FlagI really didn't analyze it, I just had #2 even though I was content with just one. I also never agonized about having a third, I just knew this was what I could handle now. If you read happiness studies, people are less happy with each additional child at first, but when they are old the more the merrier. Ours play together beautifully but we got lucky.
[ Reply | More ]06.06.11, 04:18 AM Flag
[+] my 2.5 yr old daughter has started calling her favorite stuffed animal 'my little sis... 8 replies
- Look, I was an only child and like everything in life there are pros and cons. I think the pros are only children tend to be more imaginitive, independent and usually a...now that I am an adult is being the ONLY caretaker of my mom. I can't ask a...
- This sounds a lot like me. As a child I didn't want sibs, as an adult I...
- Almost every child I know that doesn't have a sibling wants...
Talk : : June 04, 2011
my 2.5 yr old daughter has started calling her favorite stuffed animal 'my little sister.
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.04.11, 05:16 PM Flag ]Is this typical for an only child? Or does this kid really wish she had a sibling? (I'm really feeling guilty that we can't, for medical reasons, give her a sibling, and are now considering adoption).
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 05:18 PM FlagMy son was an only child until he was six, and starting from the time he was about two he called his friends his "brothers." I don't think you should feel guilty! It is what it is. I think it's natural for kids to see siblings out and about and wonder what it feels like to have a live-in playmate. I doubt she is agonizing about it or anything!
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 05:29 PM Flagthank you. i guess it's just that it seems she'd love to be a big sister. she takes such good care of her dolls and stuffed animals, and loves the babies in her daycare. but maybe all i'm describing is a typical toddler girl. she doesn't love to share mommy's attention when I'm paying attention to someone else!
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 05:34 PM FlagLook, I was an only child and like everything in life there are pros and cons. I think the pros are only children tend to be more imaginitive, independent and usually a bit more advance in terms of relating to older people. The cons are we have a tough time sharing, can be a bit self-centered. I think though the hardest part now that I am an adult is being the ONLY caretaker of my mom. I can't ask a sibling to help out or even consult a sibling when I am concerned about my mom etc. Every decision is all on me. Also it's hard b/c I don't have a sibling that can share memories with me. With all that said - I have a great friend group whom I love.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 05:35 PM Flag
At that age my dd started asking for a brother a lot. Even thought "we should just go get some kids that don't have parents". She prayed daily for her little brother. He came a couple years later. She is an awesome big sister. I am an only child and NEVER wanted siblings, so I guess some kids do and some kids don't. I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 05:38 PM Flag
[+] Anyone else having trouble deciding whether to go for second DB? We are so happy with... 15 replies
- i'm an only child and can tell you i wanted nothing more in life than a sibling. Now in my early 40's I still think about it almost...college and grad school were the onlies. There are lots of fine things about having an only, but that example seems to be a disadvantage....
Talk : : June 04, 2011
Anyone else having trouble deciding whether to go for second DB? We are so happy with first DB (2.5 yr) and life has finally gotten easier. It will take a toll on me professionally to be pregnant and take maternity leave again. Preschool and nanny may become too expensive. We'll probably ultimately have to leave the city. I think we would be happy with just one but can't help wanting another. Is it worth it? Just can't decide what to do.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More06.04.11, 11:08 AM Flag ]We went for number two. I'm due in a month. So far, it's done nothing but cause tension between my dh and me.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 11:17 AM FlagLove having just one. Don't have to deal with sibling rivalry and having someone not have their needs met. Also was a financial issue for us. With just one we can probably do private for MS/HS and save for college. Don't think we could for more than one.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 11:35 AM FlagNo opposition to those who have one, but not dealing with sibling rivalry is a poor reason. Working through this stuff is great preparation for dealing with relationships later in life. By far the most difficult room mates I had in college and grad school were the onlies. There are lots of fine things about having an only, but that example seems to be a disadvantage.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 01:35 PM Flag
Is it worth it - for us yes very much so. My two entertain each other which gives us a break. Of course they squabble and are competitive - but seeing them be affectionate with each other is as rewarding as getting a hug from one of them. Also going on holiday etc is easier because they go to Kids Clubs and have each other to play with.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 11:37 AM Flagi'm an only child and can tell you i wanted nothing more in life than a sibling. Now in my early 40's I still think about it almost every day and feel without question I missed out on something in life. Whatever you decide make sure you really think it through.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 12:17 PM FlagThink long-term instead of how disruptive it might be the first few years. I don't know anybody who regretted having a second
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 12:19 PM FlagITA. There was a great article published some time ago on this issue. The author recommended looking past the haze of the grueling infant/toddler/preschool years and think about how many kids you'd like to have when you're 45, 55, 70, etc. The exhausting baby years end so quickly that you should also really consider the longer term picture.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 12:42 PM Flag
Def not trying to sway you in your decision, but deciding for #2 was a challenge for us and DD is 3 mo now and just like it was with DD #1, now that she's here, we can't imagine life without her. The very cool thing that I see even after three mos is that DD #2 is a totally different person than DD #1 and I'm so glad for the chance to know her.
[ Reply | More ]06.04.11, 10:11 PM Flag
[+] I get it. Summer nights are fun and you want to be outside. However your toddler shou... 34 replies
- lol. my 3yo has never fallen asleep before 9pm. He only needs 10-10.5hrs sleep and no naps. there is no should....they Go to bed is not a reason to call child protective services. My 3yo goes to bed around 8:30pm...
- The only child who is "supposed" to do anything is yours. Everyone else can raise their own....
- on school nights - but you know what? I really only care what time my kids are asleep. Do what...
Talk : : May 28, 2011
I get it. Summer nights are fun and you want to be outside. However your toddler should be in bed. I'm tired of seeing your toddler out at 11pm. It's inappropriate on so many levels.
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.28.11, 05:58 AM Flag ]Don't ever move to another country. Every country I've been in kids stay out late at night.We have family in Argentina and the kids stay up late in summer.My kids adjusted and were fine.At first it ran me nuts.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 06:01 AM FlagYour kidding right? Growing up both in NYC and my kids in FL, the summers were for relaxed fun carefree days. I remember being in our playground until midnight (b/4 A/C was common in apts here in the city. In FL the cool evening was when we could let the kids outside to run around. What diff. does it make? We slept late and napped differently. What's "inappropriate" about this.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 06:07 AM Flag-
Happy parents = happy kids imo. Signed - Mom who was out last night with 3 month old in the bjorn at 10:30PM. Hey, he doesn't have work or go to school tomorrow and can sleep though it, so what's the big deal? Same with toddlers out that late - maybe they sleep until noon, maybe they nap all afternoon. To each his own.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 07:21 AM FlagI'm with OP. Toddler = 2-3 years old. They're supposed to be in bed at 7:30! Or 7:00! It makes me wonder what other things the parents can't be bothered to do.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 07:38 AM FlagUh- no. Toddlers should get a certain amount of sleep, but the time they Go to bed is not a reason to call child protective services. My 3yo goes to bed around 8:30pm, and wakes up at 8am. He also naps for 2 hours in the afternoon. So that's 13 1/2 hours of sleep a day. Plenty in my book. And the 8:30pm bedtime allows him to enjoy time with both parents as a family in the evenings, which we all adore. Who are you to determine what time a toddler should be in bed?
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 07:58 AM Flag
OP: I also just read that a five year old girl was shot around 10:15pm last night. Night time can be very dangerous.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 08:14 AM Flag-
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nnp: I may get flamed for saying this but neighborhood makes a difference.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 09:38 AM Flagor: I see where you're coming from. Some neighborhoods are more dangerous than others. The little girl was shot in the Soundview section of the Bronx. However, danger isn't relegated to shootings though. In the Bowery you have to deal drunk people and I too hate to see toddlers being schlepped from restaurant to bar at night in Park Slope.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 09:47 AM Flag
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Why do you care what time other people's toddlers go to bed. I think school-aged kids should probably be in bed by 10 on school nights - but you know what? I really only care what time my kids are asleep. Do what you want w/ yours. You have NO idea what time those kids woke up or if they took long naps. My boys can easily take 3-hour naps on busy summer days. Sometimes 2 2-hour naps.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 11:32 AM FlagYou are absolutely right. Next time please go up to the parents and tell them why their parenting skills are so lacking. I'm sure they will REALLY appreciate your input! Please post back with your success stories.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 12:44 PM Flag-
The problem here is that you just have a snapshot of the DC's life. You have no idea what the family's schedule is like. Maybe they all go to bed at midnight and the DC sleeps until 11 AM or noon. In that case, I see no problem with it. I personally don't like being out late at night with DC, but that doesn't make me a better mother, it makes me less nocturnal.
[ Reply | More ]05.29.11, 02:36 AM Flag
[+] We are in a good public elem. school & from time to time, hear that public schools do... 46 replies
- public prep for 5th grade test at all??? The only reason the 5th grade test is important is to...
- Because we are the only Friends family here in recent time....
- friends and packer have high schools that are only getting better because of the increased competition for...didn't out anyone unless that child is the only child to ever go to packer in...
- I think this drama only plays out on UB, truly, or among a...
Talk : : May 27, 2011
We are in a good public elem. school & from time to time, hear that public schools do not compete well with private schools at the 4th & 5th grade level (or as the kids get older). Do you think there is any truth to that?
46 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.27.11, 09:26 AM Flag ]Eh... at college public school kids from 12th grade compete perfectly well with kids from private schools.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 09:34 AM FlagYes, because dc spent almost half of fourth grade preparing for the tests, which clearly would not have happened in private. Also, virtually all of the focus is on ELA and math, social studies and even science are an afterthought, as is pretty much everything else. If they even have it, they missed half of the spring music classes because of test simulations.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 09:36 AM FlagI have spoken to teachers who think that these tests actually assess real knowledge that these children need to have. If that is the case, why does it matter if they prepare them for them. Np
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 10:25 AM Flagnnp: if it was just a couple days of testing that wouldn't be a problem. if they're doing practice tests for weeks they aren't spending that time learning anything else. for the kids who would have passed this is just a waste of time.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 10:28 AM FlagMy dcs attend a good gen ed public and they DON'T spend "half the hear" preparing for tests. Even if they do practice tests for "weeks", that takes 1/4 of the school day, and those weeks add up to the extra weeks public schools has that private schools don't have. Most good publics don't spend more than 4 weeks doing test prep, if that, and NEVER is it more than an hour a day during those weeks. And guess what? Those are STATE tests, the same tests kids in Long Island and Westchester take and "prep" for. Why do people assume NYC schools are different than suburban?
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:00 AM Flag-
i think the poster is saying nyc public kids take the same state tests as burb kids, and likely do similar prep for tests. why would they do more in nyc than in burbs?
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:19 AM FlagBecause in suburbs you go directly to the zoned middle school - in most of NYC, those tests in fourth grade are used to determine whether you get into a good Middle School or not, so many schools prep the kids a lot for them.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:37 AM FlagI don't know any good gen eds where alot of test prep goes on in 4th and 5th grade. And anyway, to prove how utterly ridiculous your point is, why would any public prep for 5th grade test at all??? The only reason the 5th grade test is important is to qualify for the Hunter hs exam, and elementary schools don't care about that. So 5th grade public must not have ANY test prep, right?
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:42 AM FlagIt may not matter for the students, but it does matter for the school administrators and teachers. The school "grade" tenure decisions, class assignments, curriculum decisions and teacher ratings are all based almost exclusively on standardized test scores. ALL NYC publics, gen ed, G&T and citywide G&T teach to the tests. Only exception (and, only because it is public but not DOE, and therefore exempt from the tests) is Hunter.
[ Reply | More ]05.31.11, 07:58 AM Flag
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Do you mean compete or compare? The curricula at most independent schools is much broader by 4th and 5th grades than at public schools. There's more science, art, music, drama, dance, foreign language, gym and a wider spectrum of history is usually taught.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 10:37 AM FlagI'm a big supporter of public, but I will agree with this. Much more focus on the fundamentals in public at this age, though we have great specials that the kids love -- you simply don't get the breadth.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:02 AM Flagnp: but it's a myth that there's any "breadth" in private schools. Do you really think a 5th grader in a private school has some knowledge of history that a smart 5th grader at public doesn't have?? Foreign language in most private school lower grades is honestly a joke -- really, most 6th graders can come in and catch up in a short time in any language class.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:44 AM Flag4th grade: We begin with a study of Stone Age humans and then develop a definition of civilization as it first appeared in ancient Sumer and then spread throughout Mesopotamia. During a subsequent unit on ancient Egypt, children write a short report and complete a project on a topic of their choice. In the second term we study the development of Greece and Rome and consider their contributions to the Western World. Fifth grade history focuses on Europe, Africa and Asia . . . the rise of Islam; the great African kingdoms of the Middle Ages; Christendom; the Mongol Empire; the early Western European Renaissance and Reformation; and the rise of England and Spain as nation states.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 02:52 PM FlagYes, I do! I'm the poster below whose dc switched to a private for 6th. Public school history is sweet and fun, but she is learning real history now at her private school - how to write about history, how to analyze it, how to read about history. Not just a few interesting facts about some topic or other, which is what it always seemed like in private.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 04:40 PM Flag
I know for a fact there is no truth to it. Well, there IS truth to it for mediocre students. They may get special attention at privates that they don't get in publics, so perhaps may turn from "mediocre" to "slightly above average" students. Smart students do well in public and private. I guarantee you that you could select a group of kids from gen eds in District 2 or District 15 (which have many district gen eds) and they would perform exactly at the level as a selected group of kids from any private (and outperform most of them).
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:03 AM FlagMy experience is that DC is in private, with good friend in public MSC. The difference in the level of the work is huge. DC is in advanced groups at private, but the level of math, social studies and language arts is so much more in depth at our private school. I think there may be kids at our school doing easier work on the same level as MSC, but the private school can accommodate DC easily.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 11:13 AM FlagMy dc switched from a highly regarded downtown public school to Friends Seminary in 6th grade. I wouldn't say the kids are any smarter, but the curriculum is richer and more challenging at Friends, hands down. I'm sure the same would be true at other private schools. Dc is being asked to think more and to do more and being held to higher standards that in her public, which is considered one of the very best public schools in the city. We were happy with her old school, but we are so glad we switched. So yes, I am now a firm believer that there really is a difference between private and public at the middle level and beyond.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 04:38 PM FlagWe left Friends Seminary for HS and found it so behind in almost every area than our new School. Guess it really depends on the school.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 05:59 PM FlagSince you mention Friends, why not mention new school as well? Especially if you are happy.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 06:03 PM Flagneighbor's dc left Friends for Packer for hs and really regretted it.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 06:49 PM Flagnow that you outed this family, i can tell you that the regret is not because of the academic program. also, both friends and packer have high schools that are only getting better because of the increased competition for downtown schools.
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 10:03 AM FlagI hear that the Friends High School has an enormous amount of homework? Many middle school families consider leaving because of the pressure in HS (just not what they are looking for). Seems like there is a big disconnect between the schools lower and middle compared to who they want for HS?
[ Reply | More ]05.28.11, 11:12 AM Flag
No way! A good public school is doing more advanced work than the same grade in private. That's been my dc's experience switching from public to private this year. Math is a repeat.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 05:35 PM FlagThis is interesting from the math League competition this year, good mix of public and private schools: http://www.themathleague.com/downloads/gs1011/ny-678-1011.pdf
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 05:44 PM Flag
[+] What advice do you have for a 27 yo woman in NYC, who is in a happy relationship and ... 34 replies
- everything you need to be satisfied all on your own. Only then can you be in a successful marriage and a...s her money and her decision, and I'm the only child and she's been dreaming about a magnificent wedding for the last 27 years, apparently....
- mom is great but the schedule of your life is only yours after bedtime....
- You're my only child. I think you're beautiful! I want you...
Talk : : May 25, 2011
What advice do you have for a 27 yo woman in NYC, who is in a happy relationship and looking forward to marriage and children?
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.25.11, 05:16 PM Flag ]-
Do every wild and crazy thing you ever think you will ever want to do in life *NOW*, because A.C. (after children) your life is effectively over.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:19 PM FlagReally? There's nothing wild and crazy on my agenda. I'm looking forward to children... what am I missing?
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:20 PM FlagBeing able to walk out the door without thinking about bottles, diapers, wipes, strollers, toys, snacks, water, schedules, playdates, schools, tests, babysitters, nannies, birthday parties, snubs, slights, etc etc etc.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:24 PM FlagBut the bottles and diapers stage is so short... especially in the grand scheme of your entire life. It's a drop in the bucket.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:25 PM FlagAnd then come the afterschool activities, the sports, the chess, the playdates. Being a mom is great but the schedule of your life is only yours after bedtime.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:27 PM FlagInteresting. It's not like I do too much thrilling stuff now. We usually hang out at home, go to movies and restaurants, or just go for walks around the hood.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:34 PM FlagOh, you don't get it. Once you have kids, going to a movie, restaurant or a walk by yourself will seem like the Most Thrilling Thing Ever.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 06:30 PM Flag-
NP. Ignore the person telling you your life is essentially over. Not true. I have a job and two kids and while we don't go out much, we love our life and the time spent wit our kids... and I type thus with one hand while I'm feeding my newborn. It's all about who you are and what you make of things.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 10:26 PM Flag
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Make sure you are a contented and complete person all by yourself and that you have accomplished everything you need to be satisfied all on your own. Only then can you be in a successful marriage and a great mother.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:22 PM FlagHmmm. Interesting. I don't feel like I will ever accomplish EVERYTHING that I need to be satisfied. Maybe when I'm 80. Maybe. I feel like I can grow as an individual while growing as a wife and a mother too. Are those not compatible?
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:28 PM FlagOR: Sure, you can grow and have goals, but what I am talking about is knowing that you don't "need" to be with someone. No one can complete you or fill a void in your life. I think your attitude needs to be, "If it never gets any better than this, will I be satisfied?" If the answer is "yes," then, the rest is just gravy. DH and I both know the other is amazing "as is" and that we deserve each other. (Your partner needs to be equally secure and content, BTW.)
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:39 PM Flag
Unless you are loaded (or your parents are) spend half as much on the wedding as you want to and use the rest as down payment on a house or apt.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:24 PM Flagop - This is actually kind of a sore subject for me. My mom is ready to blow a lot of money on the wedding. Big bucks. She is not loaded, but she can afford it. I rather she let me borrow the money so that I can pay off my mortgage, but it's her money and her decision, and I'm the only child and she's been dreaming about a magnificent wedding for the last 27 years, apparently.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 05:26 PM Flag-
np: it is good that you get it's her money, and aren't expecting to decide how she spends it. you'll realize as your friends go through absurd disputes over estates that many adult children don't grasp this concept. anything you get after 18, regardless of parents resources, is a gift. all that said, if you really don't want to have a big wedding, don't.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 06:18 PM Flag
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If you don't have good diet and exercise habits, now is a good time to get them. If you need to lose weight, do it now. By the time you are 35, your metabolism will take a nosedive and it will be harder to lose the weight (whether it's baby weight or not). If you buy an apartment in the city, buy in a good school district even if you think you may leave the city after you have kids. And buy the biggest apartment you can afford.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 08:58 PM Flag^^ And ITA on socking away the money now. Stop taking cabs and getting those pricey lattes at Starbucks every day. If you spend money on clothes/accessories, spend money on pieces you'll wear for years. Get rid of any credit card debt and max out on your 401(k) contributions if you can.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 09:01 PM Flag
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[+] None of you will convince me that the typical private school in NYC is more diverse t... 18 replies
- If she attends her zoned school she would be the only child of color until her sibling arrives. If commute was...So from our perspective sending our child to a citywide is incredibly diverse; I suspect many of...I could live in my neighborhood of South Brooklyn speaking only Russian and though my life would be limited I could...about the same number of immigrants/foreign families too. The only difference is the majority of the G&T families are UMC...
Talk : : May 25, 2011
None of you will convince me that the typical private school in NYC is more diverse than a citywide. Besides skin color, the fact that so many parents are immigrants makes for an incredibly diverse population. Yes, in a city where black and latino children are the majority, it is clear that they are underrepresented at these schools. But there is a huge amount of racial, ethnic and socioeconomic diversity, and as a bonus, not one child will ever hear whispers of "affirmative action bias"
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.25.11, 09:42 AM Flag ]Nobody is trying to convince you of that. It is obviously true that public schools are more diverse.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 09:55 AM FlagI agree on some points, but as far as zoned schools go, I live in Brooklyn and there are less than 1% AA in DD school. If she attends her zoned school she would be the only child of color until her sibling arrives. If commute was not an issue I would have sent her to private, where at least there would have been a handful of children of color.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 10:01 AM Flag-
Then what happens to the racially diverse kids when they reach HS? Do they fail at citywides and not have a shot at the selective publics as per this article?
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 10:08 AM FlagLook, there are plenty of those "immigrants" at privates too, but they call them ex-pats. Technically, in public, you could call that professor from Turkey's kid diverse, versus kid of the researcher from South America, just like you could call that banker from Chile versus the kid of the lawyer from Japan in privates, but to me, this diversity is like saying - Yeah, we're diverse, some of us ski and some of us play tennis. The numbers people have pulled up here speak for themselves. The numbers of Black and hispanic children in district G+Ts or some citywides is at 12% (see other post). Privates are more or at least as diverse as this. I personally would say the international types cancel each other out at private and public AND in any case that there is not much diversity between a lawyer from LI versus one from Europe or anywhere else. I'm just saying don't kid yourself or think you get some points for sending your child to a G + T program with the idea that because it's public, it's "diverse". Many are not. And that is another one of the drawbacks of the system as it is now. It was widely reported that the new testing, aiming to make GT/citywides more diverse, made them substantially LESS diverse.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 08:05 PM Flagnp: my zoned school (G&Ts are no better than our zoned school). 91% of students at our zoned school are white; 80% of the students have at least 1 Russian speaker at home, 50% of incoming students qualified for some form of ELL (almost all Russian speakers)... So from our perspective sending our child to a citywide is incredibly diverse; I suspect many of the parents at citywides see the same thing (with different ethnic groups obviously). NY is a segregated place. I could live in my neighborhood of South Brooklyn speaking only Russian and though my life would be limited I could get by.
[ Reply | More ]05.26.11, 07:56 AM Flag
I have one dc in private and one in public G&T and the diversity is almost exactly the same. Sprinkling of AA/hispanic at both (3 kids in each class incidentally), about the same number of immigrants/foreign families too. The only difference is the majority of the G&T families are UMC, while the majority of the private school families are wealthy. Neither is diverse.
[ Reply | More ]05.27.11, 08:16 AM Flag
[+] It's killing me that I cannot have a 2nd child for medical reasons. Has anyone BTDT w... 37 replies
- that you don't pay when having a biological child (unless doing iVF or something.) I think the money...1 in college. It's not about "affording a child" but affording to spend an additional large lump sum.... childhood. There are many of us who have only children by choice. You're acting like it is...I would have chosen. I am actually an only child so I know what the pros and...to convince DH since before marriage, he is only just now coming around. I hope sometime in...
Talk : : May 25, 2011
It's killing me that I cannot have a 2nd child for medical reasons. Has anyone BTDT with this issue? How did you move past the disappointment? Adoption is not an option for us for many reasons. TIA
37 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.25.11, 07:18 AM Flag ]Well I fail to see why adoption is not an option, but the world is overpopulated enough as it is so maybe that will help you. It seems like a good idea to provide a home for a child who is already here on earth who needs a family.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:21 AM FlagDitto. I can't imagine why adoption is not an option. I adopted my one and only dd and couldn't be happier. OP, why can't you adopt?
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:29 AM FlagOP here: uncertain with my medical issues if we would even get approved. Also, I've heard it can be VERY expensive. If you don't mind sharing, how long did the adoption process take and how much did it cost? I know this can vary. Did you use a private agency?
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:31 AM FlagIf you have medical issues that prohibit you from adopting then you should "move past the disappointment" by telling yourself that you are probably not well enough to care for a baby. You should be happy with the one you have and be happy that you don't have to stress your body to it's max, giving the child you have a better childhood. There are many of us who have only children by choice. You're acting like it is a terrible sentence.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:36 AM FlagI adopted my dd from Russia, seven years ago. The entire process from the time I submitted my dossier to the time I brought her home was six months. Note though that the dossier can take a long time to put together and includes a home study, medical, fingerprinting, immigration clearance, criminal checks, etc. plus notarizing/apostilling of all documents, but for someone who is very organized and aggressive, it can all be done in a few months. The key is to find an agency who will hand hold you through the process. I was single and "older" and was very motivated so it didn't take me very long to complete my paperwork. The entire adoption, including traveling twice to Moscow and spending a total of 3 weeks in country was $30K. Plus there's a 10 or 15K adoption tax credit now -- it was 10K when I completed my adoption but I think it's higher now.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:43 AM Flag
Don't get this. You either have a child (natural or adopted) and make a committment to pay WHATEVER is necessary down the pike. Who says the adopted will end up being more "expensive?" Obviously, having another kid isn't as important as you seem to think, since money is an object if the child isn't "natural."
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:32 AM FlagIt's not the cost of the child overall. It's the up-front cost associated with the adoption that I've heard is overwhelming. We do not have savings or family that we could borrow from for that initial one-lump sum.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:34 AM Flagnp: in that case, i think you should just tell yourself that you are in no situation to have a second baby, regardless of your medical condition. if you don't have savings, you are in no position to be adding another child to your family. so not trying to flame, but this is what i would tell myself. plenty of healthy people can't have a second child for the same reason.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:44 AM Flag
np: what are you talking about? You do know that there are costs you pay up front with adoption that you don't pay when having a biological child (unless doing iVF or something.) I think the money is a valid concern and you don't have the right to tell OP she's not serious when you don't know what her financial situation is, especially when she has to also be financially responsible for the sake of her first child.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:35 AM FlagFor gosh sakes-- you may have to pay 10K just to do the paperwork. Is that what happens when you get pregnant. This cost is not easily aborbed by most people. I had my second child but if I had to pay that much up front I dont think I could have at the time. FWIW, we are living debt free and I now have 1 in college. It's not about "affording a child" but affording to spend an additional large lump sum. It's the upfront cost that can kill you.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:35 AM Flag
OP, I don't know why these posters aren't more sympathetic. The truth is adoption is difficult and not everyone can do it, and if you have medical issues it is quite likely you would not be approved. Int'l adoption is much more difficult now than it was 7 years ago. I'm in a similar boat as you, although in my case it's a 3rd DC that I can't have (for different reasons). It really sucks. There is no way around it. I think it's especially hard this time of year, when all the pg bellies come out from under all the winter coats and suddenly they just seem to be everywhere. So I have complete sympathy for what you're going through. Sometimes it helps me to read infertility boards, lots of women struggling to have 1st DC, to remind me to be very grateful for what I have. And I am. It still hurts though.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:50 AM FlagOP: Thank you very much. You made me feel much better. Basically for the past two years I've had abnormal blood work, enlarged lymph nodes, doctors can't tell if it's some low level infection or the beginnings of cancer. And, I've had the million dollar work-up with a number of specialists and they just shake their heads. Very frustrating and sad all around.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:54 AM FlagThat is very difficult. But, it seems that you are making the right decision here.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 07:57 AM FlagOP: Thanks. It's such a hard call. If I didn't already have my DD, I'd probably just say to heck with it and try, but given that the doctors have not come to a diagnosis, I feel like there is so much risk involved.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 08:06 AM FlagThis is a very tough situation and I'm sure for many reasons you want a sib for your child. I posted about going through IVF above in ttc #2. Definitely get yourself worked out first. Depending on your age if all gets cleared up w/you, u can look at assisted technologies later. Your priority needs to be having a healthy mom for dc. --Signed mom who term#2 b/c of risk to my life.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 09:01 AM Flag
Honestly if I couldn't have a 2nd DC. I would be saving for an adoption. I would probably turn my search into a 2nd job and I wouldn't care where my adopted DC came from. I am able to have natural DC's yet still have an overwhelming feeling to adopt. I have been trying to convince DH since before marriage, he is only just now coming around. I hope sometime in the future to adopt and will begin saving once I am giving the go ahead.
[ Reply | More ]05.25.11, 08:33 AM Flag
[+] I can't stand my DH. Anybody have a wonderful DH that they can tell me about. How doe... 34 replies
- to be as selfish as DH. DH is an only child raised by a family of women who thought he made the world spin. DS is an only child and I don't want him to feel...the years. Is now incredibly selfish and needy, really only cares about his own comfort....
- shadow of his former self. I'm left with only the negative stuff. Also, he's heavily medicated. I...
- Love my DH, only married for 3 years but he's supportive,...
Talk : : May 21, 2011
I can't stand my DH. Anybody have a wonderful DH that they can tell me about. How does he treat you? How does he make you feel about the job your doing? Do you feel butterflies with him? DH is so selfish, negative, rude and never says nice things.
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.21.11, 06:43 PM Flag ]I guess I feel that DH is my best friend. We have our ups and downs, like every couple does. But he listens to me when I need to talk, he encourages me when I need it, etc. I don't still feel butterflies, but I love him to death, and I think he's gorgeous, and smart, and a great dad. I'm sorry to hear that your DH isn't very nice. Do you feel that you treat him well, and it's not being reciprocated?
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 06:46 PM FlagOP-I think I used to love him more then he loved me. He has always been this way but I was head over heels so I excused his selfish ways. But after 11 years of it I got to a point where I know I will never feel the same for him. I feel like his behavior has worn away at my heart and now I think he loves me more then I do him. But that's not saying much. It makes me sad to know it's changed. I miss how much I used to love him.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 06:54 PM FlagYou said this well. Experienced the same feelings. My DH started having affairs about the time I got tired of loving him. Divorced. Remarried to a very nice man now. Listen to your feelings. He may not love you more than you love him, he may just need you more. I bet you're his rock.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 08:38 PM Flag
My Dh and I treat each other with respect and with kindness. We are never mean to each other. This is so important for me because I grew up with a mother that was mean to my father, and a brother and a grandmother who have a mean streak. I, of course, had a mean streak, too, but I worked really hard to not give into it when it rears its ugly head. My DH thinks I'm a great mother and helps me when I need it. We support each other. I hope you can work with DH to make him show you love or find a better man!
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 06:48 PM FlagDh and I are each other best friend, we are always honest with each and while he may not listen to me all the time when I talk (man thing) when I say: "I need to talk to you" the tv goes off he turns to me holds m hand and he listens very carefully. He encourages me and supports me and really does a lot to make my life easier. I don't think any of us feels butterflies anymore but I deeply respect and cherish him. FWIW, this is DH #2. #1 was emotionall abusive, selfish, nasty, would call me names and sabotage our lives. If you are really miserable, you can change your life.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 06:54 PM FlagDH is a great guy, we love each other, and most importantly, he makes me a better person because he doesn't take my crap. He calls me out on it when I'm being unfair to him. because of this, we don't fight. Also, if my ds grew up to be just like him, I would be very happy (I couldn't say this about any of my other boyfriends before DH.)
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 07:00 PM FlagDH likes himself, thus he respects others and isn't insecure, yet I am his best friend and he thinks he is the luckiest guy in the world to have married me. He is an incredible father and I absolutely get butterflies when he kisses me or walks through the room with his shirt off. He is the best person I know.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 07:07 PM FlagHe's a great husband and father, and we completely know each other. Works hard and does about 80% of the housework, and easily his share with the kids. He's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but is a good person and a good match for me. Not sure about butterflies after 17 years, but I do find him attractive (Or maybe that's because he just offered to rub my back - and he doesn't even see what I'm typing).
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 07:25 PM Flag-
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Can't really explain it all here, but basically he has changed drastically over the years. Is now incredibly selfish and needy, really only cares about his own comfort.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 08:35 PM Flag-
OR: I've posted here before about him. He has mental health issues; addiction, bipolar, etc. Had a psychotic break a few years ago and is now a shadow of his former self. I'm left with only the negative stuff. Also, he's heavily medicated. I sound heartless for saying I can't stand him, but it's the truth.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 08:53 PM Flag
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Love my DH. married 15 years with 2 dcs. Still always get compliments and respect. I don't think you would call it butterflies, but it is a warm fuzzy feeling.
[ Reply | More ]05.21.11, 08:28 PM Flag
[+] Can you name low-key attitude private schools in terms of parents body? We are contem... 42 replies
- Trevor is wealthy parents and curriculum is not challenging at all. Don't do it. Friend is there and her child is sooo bored....
- just isn't so important at that point). They are fine with quirky, as long as you are correct about your child being bright. They are very structured, but progressive, which sounds like what you want (I found it to be the most structured...
Talk : : May 19, 2011
Can you name low-key attitude private schools in terms of parents body? We are contemplating if we should send our only child to a private - we can make it financially (HH income about 250K, so it will be tight but possible), but are not sure if we will fit in. We are not aiming at so-called TT. Our son is bright and sweet but quirky, and we feel that he will benefit a lot from smaller class size of private. Looking for a combo of structured yet allowing individuality - smaller and supportive environment is ideal. Thank you so much for your suggestions!
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.19.11, 02:34 PM Flag ]-
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I love Browning, but I would not say the parents are low key in th way you mean. We are in finance but not hedge fund weathy, and are certainly in the bottom half of the class wealth wise. The familiesa are lovely, we in no way feel like the poor cousin, but it is an UES school withlots of extremely wealthy people. Having said that, if your son is bright and you want a small call it might be a great fit. All sorts of families feel totally comfortable, but it is not a Cathedral or Trevor type parent body..
[ Reply | More ]05.19.11, 03:58 PM Flag
Trevor. Very down to earth parent body, and they do not rush to counsel out any kid who needs some support.
[ Reply | More ]05.19.11, 03:02 PM Flagdalton. all the families i know are super laid back, sweet kids, modest homes, etc.
[ Reply | More ]05.19.11, 04:43 PM Flag-
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A-S is very competitive to get into. About a 7% acceptance rate. So a "quirky" boy may not have a chance.
[ Reply | More ]05.20.11, 12:34 PM FlagWhat a misleading statement. Like all the ss boys school, A-S pressues families to commit to fc, so of course they have an artificially low acceptance rate since they know most of the boys they accept are coming. (NO NOT ALL BUT MOST FC) It is no where near as competitive as Collegiate or St. B's. And, as anyone who has a boy in the ss system know, A-S boys tend to be the quirky ones.
[ Reply | More ]05.20.11, 01:03 PM FlagA-S is a safety for most boys. It's not hard to get in if you FC. Trinity, Dalton, Collegiate are the tough schools for boys in the city to get into.
[ Reply | More ]05.20.11, 03:25 PM Flag
honestly, i don't think you send your kid to school based on where you as parents will fit in. every school has a variety of parents and you can find the handful you like. and if you don't that's okay too.
[ Reply | More ]05.19.11, 11:23 PM FlagThat's very encouraging to hear. Of course, we will place the fit for our son as the highest priority, but the feeling of the parent body and sense of community will also be important, especially for lower grades, I think. Thank you all so much for lots of great ideas!
[ Reply | More ]05.20.11, 08:11 AM Flag
UNIS has an incredibly low-key, high-ethics parent body, no flashy wealth or vulgarity, plenty of serious-minded international diplomats and UN workers, as well as long-term New Yorkers who love its international vibe. This is an asshole-free school, for sure. What you get instead of the pearls, the prada and the wood-panelled principal's study, are small class sizes, amazing facilities, top-notch IB curriculum and a global outlook.
[ Reply | More ]05.31.11, 08:30 PM FlagFieldston Lower has a much more low-key parent body than most private schools (that changes in middle school when it merges with Ethical, but parent body just isn't so important at that point). They are fine with quirky, as long as you are correct about your child being bright. They are very structured, but progressive, which sounds like what you want (I found it to be the most structured of the progressive schools).
[ Reply | More ]06.01.11, 11:33 AM Flag
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[+] I was finally getting to a place where I felt OK with having an only child (have been... 9 replies
- In the same exact boat OP. If it helps, I am an only child myself and it really isn't too terrible. It did have some perks-close relationship with parents, ability to travel a lot, somemore financial...while it will not fulfill your vision of family right now, just focus on your #1 child and with a little distance decide if you want to seek other options. But if...
Talk : : May 17, 2011
I was finally getting to a place where I felt OK with having an only child (have been trying for #2 and after many, many, many rounds of IVF, we're calling it a day) and then a friend emailed pictures of her newborn yesterday and I lost it. Specifically, the pictures of the older sibling and newborn hurt the most. This process feels like one step forward, two steps backward.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More05.17.11, 11:41 AM Flag ]there are so many ways to have another child. adoption, for example.
[ Reply | More ]05.17.11, 11:43 AM Flag-
I'm sorry op. The rational part of your brain knows the reponders above are right, but I'm sorry because I know it still hurts your heart.
[ Reply | More ]05.17.11, 11:46 AM FlagI'm very sorry :( infertility struggles are just heartbreaking and it is very very hard to see people getting what you really want, please be gentle with yourself. And while it will not fulfill your vision of family right now, just focus on your #1 child and with a little distance decide if you want to seek other options. But if you really are giving up on ivf etc for #2, you should grieve that decision. good luck to you.
[ Reply | More ]05.17.11, 11:55 AM Flag
[+] My DS is 17 months (he is our first and only child as of now), and has been quite act... 1 reply
Talk : : May 16, 2011
My DS is 17 months (he is our first and only child as of now), and has been quite active since he was one month old (he would sit in his bouncer kicking his foot, constantly bouncing himself). We have found over the last couple of months his activity levels have increased even more, as it should. However, he wants to be outside ALL THE TIME, which gets very difficult when the weather is bad, or if I need to get things done at home. We have a part-time nanny who is with him 3 days a week (along with my mom) when I am work, but i really think he needs more of a social interaction with peers his own age, and he would really benefit from a classroom setting of daycare. I do take him to classes and playdates, but I haven't really met a lot of mommy friends with kids his age yet, so the playdates are with the same 2 girls every time. We were thinking of starting daycare in September, but DH and I really feel that we should start asap in July (after our vacation in June). Does anybody have any experiences with daycares in Manhattan (preferably on the Eastside -- Midtown-to Uptown)? I have heard about bright horizons, but want to make sure I know all my options, and pick the best daycare for my DS.
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | More05.16.11, 10:03 AM Flag ]He probably gets plenty of social interaction at the playground. It's fine if you need to or want to put him in daycare- but def. not necessary. Before age 2 or 3 they 'parallel play' - they don't really interact all that much. My kids prefer to be outdoors (as do we) - but they are okay inside. I'm sure they'll be bouncing off the walls by the end of this week if it rains every day.
[ Reply | More ]05.16.11, 10:19 AM Flag
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[+] Anyone happy with only one child? 33 replies
- or so people pretty much assumed he would be my only and stopped making comments. I desperately wanted another child, and I have to admit I still count people's kids when I...
- People are assholes. I have only one. And, you know what, she rocks thank god I...to have 2 and feel kinda judged by some for only having one. why is that? it's definitely a societal...get a hold of the TIME magazine article about the only child syndrome myth. It was amazing to read from...
Talk : : May 11, 2011
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I meant that I want to hear about people who have just one and are happy this way. I can only have one and I get a lot of crap for it IRL.
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:35 PM FlagNP: Mothers get a lot of crap no matter what choice they've made. Come to think of it, so do women who don't have children. You can't win, so don't base a decision on what other people will say to you.
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:36 PM FlagI'm sorry that must be really hard. How old is your dc? I found that by the time my dc was 5 or so people pretty much assumed he would be my only and stopped making comments. I desperately wanted another child, and I have to admit I still count people's kids when I
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:39 PM FlagPeople are assholes. I have only one. And, you know what, she rocks thank god I have her. Sure, I might be happy with two, but I could be miserable. No reason to have more with the way this world is & the amount of resources we are using.
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:42 PM Flag
I have 2 and sometimes really wish I had stopped at one. Granted #1 is a very easy going kid and #2 has all sorts of social/emotional/physical issues. Same parents - 2 totally different kids. They're close in age (18 mos apart) and not really even friends with each other. I love them both - but they are very very very different
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:38 PM FlagWe weren't and are glad we had our second one--spaced 7 years apart. But it's not for everyone and if you don't want another one, don't let anyone tell you differently.
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 06:53 PM Flagi am - but definitely feel pressure to have 2 and feel kinda judged by some for only having one. why is that? it's definitely a societal thing.
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 07:03 PM FlagI have one and want no more. She is perfect and how could the next one be better? haha. seriously, look into and try to get a hold of the TIME magazine article about the only child syndrome myth. It was amazing to read from a magazine that I trust how many benefits an only child has in life compared to multiple child families. It is a lucky life they live!
[ Reply | More ]05.11.11, 08:49 PM FlagYes, of course happy with a healthy thriving child. I also would have been happy with more, but I can't have more. I have all the usual worries about an only, but I realize that there are no guarantees about anything. I do resent the many comments and stereotypes but am grateful to have my DC. But there is no one way to do things, and it is such a judgey world out there family-wise.
[ Reply | More ]05.12.11, 06:48 AM Flag
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