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[-]Please help me understand both sides of the "I will or will not allow my toddlers/school age kids wear character shirts/clothes." I (no kids) bought my nephew (5) a Cars2 shirt after taking them to the movie (an approved activity), but my sister says she won't let them wear character shirts. Pros / Cons of wearing character stuff.
59 replies [ Reply | Watch | Moreoriginal poster - I checked my closet - I guess for the gym I have a bunch of adidas/nike shirts - not that I ever thought about it. And I have 1 shirt for my favorite football team. I don't consider myself flashy/showy or a walking billboard when I wear them.
[ Reply | More ]OR: I have tees that say longhorns etc from school, just that at some point seeing Gap, A&F etc shorts started making me nuts. Got focused on paying $$$ to buy shirt and then advertise manufact. For DC I'm pretty picky about clothes, definite style aware. It's fun dressing kids. I get so bored when I see the kids all wearing the same Childrens Place characters or shorts. IMO
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Because then they get obsessed with the characters and their imaginations get stunted. Have you ever met a kid who has named all of their stuffed animals after characters in their favorite movies? It's weird. And then if they still wear diapers they won't wear anything but the Dora ones and you have to hunt through the pack looking for an acceptable diaper with the kid's bear ass hanging in the air. It sucks.
[ Reply | More ]The short is not going to make them obsess more or less. OP's sister does not like the way the look and is rigid and inflexible and needs her kids to look a certain way. Are they aloud toys from the movie or is this an all wood and felt Waldorf home, in which case she should not have allowed them to see the movie...
[ Reply | More ]np: i agree that it toally stunts their imaginations. remember when legos came in a box with no instructions and you bulit whatever was in your imagination? Now almost all legos come with a theme (star wars, firehouse, etc.) and the kids follow the picture on the bos instead of building whatever they want.
[ Reply | More ]which, agreement, is not imaginative, however it IS educational. There are great things to be learned by following directions. (and, as a mom of lego-loving kid, they all eventually end up broken up into pieces and thrown into the big bin anyway and rebuilt using tons of creativity) Saying the character shirts stunt imagination is ridiculous. Overscheduled kids with no downtime who don't know how to play without organized activities stunt imagination.
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I believe it is complete snobbism/children as accessory. She won't let them wear them because it does not look chic/cool/proper. It is about HER aesthetic. It is one thing to say no to wearing them at school, as it generates too much conversation and hoopla about whatever the character is, but outside of school, she is being ridiculous. If she lets them see the movie, they should be able to wear the shirt. What a snob.
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np This. I may not buy my DD much princess stuff but if people want to give it to HER - not my call. Surprised your sister hasn't loosened up a bit on this stuff if DS is 5yo.
[ Reply | More ]I agree you should be more gracious about a gift but I would assume you are close enough to your sister to be able tell her something like this so she won't waste her money in the future or get them something that she won't allow him to wear/play with.
[ Reply | More ]it depends on how it was worded to OP. It doesn't sound like there was a discussion, or OP would have some understanding of her sister's POV and not be on here asking us. Plus I would never say "don't waste your money cause he won't be ALLOWED to wear it". Maybe, "you know, DS loves that shirt, but I try to avoid that type of thing, and here's why...". Even then, I think an aunt's role is sometimes to "spoil" a kid with crap their parents won't buy.
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they are ugly! plus you're just giving money to the companies, who pay practially slave wages to whatever chinese sweatshop workers make them. I only wear plain tshirts or shirts from my universities. DD wears plain tshirts and dresses/buttonups, etc
[ Reply | More ]huh? I've never heard of this. I have a 9yr old DS and he has "character" cloths and non - who cares? He hasn't even become obsessed with any of them and I think it's weird to ban things like that - it would make it more "cool" in my kid's eyes. Right now, he just wears whatever is in his drawer clean! oh except for soccer jerseys - he has quite a few from different places we've visited or that he's a fan of. Would those be banned as well. Anyway, like I said, I think it's weird.
[ Reply | More ]OK - so no characters - but where does that end? Is the Nike Swoop LOGO a character? What about shoes? Does the addidas stripe count as a logo or company character? Does everything have to be plain? Truly I just thought the tie-in was cute and a remembrance.
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I am anti-licensed character stuff - it doesn't help that the clothes are ugly, but the commercial aspect of it just grates on me. I'm happy to buy clothes for DD that just have a rainbow or a flower or whatever on them, but the garish Disney/Dora/Sponge Bob stuff is not on the list for us.
[ Reply | More ]I think they are tacky and never buy them, but dcs have received character clothing as gifts and love them. I generally only let them wear it around the house. I don't like the commercialism and the tackiness, but you get over these things when you have kids and seems harlmess that they get excited about lighting mcqueen.
[ Reply | More ]I don't generally buy character stuff because I think it is tacky. But if my kids got them as a gift or something, I definitely wouldn't forbid them to wear the clothes! I think parents tend to go overboard on stuff like this when it doesn't really matter very much. People like dividing the world into good and bad. Regardless, it sounds like a bratty response from your sister after taking your nephew out for a fun day and buying him a gift!
[ Reply | More ]Life is too short. My DD loves Cars and if buying him a shirt that he loves is wrong I don't want to be right. You only have a few years where they are little and want a Cars shirt so put up with ugly shirts for a few years before they want something more expensive. I can remember my favorite shirts when I was little and they all involve 80's characters. I have fond memories of them. Glad my mom wasn't into the character ban.
[ Reply | More ]I remember a mom going off about "tacky" branded clothes for babies. She was carrying a Goyard logo tote. Struck me as...hypocritical. I let my son wear character clothing but I don't buy them for him.( He doesn't really care yet what he wears.) Unless you buy only clothes that you know are ethically made, whether your clothes scream Disney licensed or are blank, they all come roughly from the same sorts of manufacturers.
[ Reply | More ]I can't believe there is more than 1 side to this issue. They're little kids. If they want to wear a Star Wars shirt, let them. If they want to only wear pink or purple let them. These are stages, and frankly, whatever will make the getting dressed process go more smoothly works for me.
[ Reply | More ]If you think allowing a toddler to wear a character shirt is tacky, then you have no taste. Also - what about the pure JOY the kid gets from wearing such things? Shouldn't they experience joy rather than be made to fit your own appearance/fashion view, like some kind of accessory?
[ Reply | More ]So teams/colleges are OK; characters make you a billboard; nobody will touch whether the Nike Swoosh is a logo or a character or a billboard; purses or diapers bags from "named" brands are maybe OK or not? I so don't get it. The Polo pony is a label or brand - that is OK or not? Isn't the point of a Coach purse that you show you've bought a Coach purse? Truly a double/triple/quadruple standard...
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It's narcissism. If your kid likes cars and Grandma buys him a cars t-shirt, you are really not going to let them wear it? Do you actually take it away? What do you say? Sorry Joey you can't wear that t-shirt, it's tacky. I bought my dc (what i thought were) great things for the summer. He only wants to wear things with big pictures on it, yes even characters. I let him decide. After all he is a real person. His imagination is not being stunted. If I let him watch tv all day that would be a different story.
[ Reply | More ]It was a GIFT! She should be gracious. It's not a great look or classy, but character shirts are fine for play clothes- in the park, or over a bathing suit on the beach, or great as summer pjs.
[ Reply | More ]I don't buy them for them simply because I think they are ugly. But if they have a character they REALLY love I'll let it slide. My 3.5 year old has a couple of Spider Man shirts because he loves Spider Man and I let him wear it on occasion if he wants. Also in your situation I would definitely let my kids keep a shirt they got while out on a cool outing with a family member. Might not let them wear it all that often, but I wouldn't ban it.
[ Reply | More ]Oh I've had my moments of not wanting them to wear the stuff, and in my heart of hearts I know it's because I consider it vaguely trashy. I totally don't buy the "don't want them to be walking advertisement" line, as appealing as it is. But you know what - they're kids, it's fun for them, I learned to let go. My 5 yo came home with the spiderman flip flops that dad bought him and could not be more excited. Bigger things to worry about.
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[-]Anyone have tips for telling a "very verbal" or "chatterbox" 3 yr old when it is appropriate for them to talk and when to shut up without crushing their spirit? I love DS but I genuinely do not want to spend my entire day telling him to shush and wouldn't it emotionally stunt him?
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[-]I hope someone can tell me what these means... My 6 yr old daughter has very fine blond hair on her vagina. She has had it for several years now. I briefly asked ped some time ago and he said it was nothing, but I am still very concerned...This wekend I checked very closely under her armpits and I see that she has some there as well (also blond) (fyi...she has dark hair on her head). Do I need to be concerned about too much estrogen/ early puberty, etc...
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreYes, but not more than we all should be concerned. Isn't there some kind of estrogen compound in all plastic bottles, even BPA-free ones? I'm assuming all our kids consume stuff that's in or has been stored in plastic at some point.
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OR: My 2 YO also has very light blond hair on her vulva. Yes it's freaky but unfortunately I think it's the way of the world now. We demand things as consumers and we don't really care about the consequences - for the environment, for our health, etc.
[ Reply | More ]OP: dd had BPA laden bottles as a baby. The BPA info all came out immediately AFTER we we finished with bottles. Also, I worry so much about hormones in chicken.. can't afford only organic, plus we orde in some much of the time plus all the crap chicken they feed her in the public school...
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Exposure to testosterone is more likely to cause it. Is her dad on any medications?
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[-]Hello, we're staying in NYC for about six weeks, we would love to find a half-day program for our 2.5 y/o ds until the end of August. Can anyone suggest a site that would have a list of possible programs, or suggest a place that isn't full up for the summer. We're staying in Murray Hill. TIA.
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[-]I posted earlier today. I'm the one with the cheating DH after 16 years together. I'm just wondering if there are any BDTD who can help me figure out how to get my mind to stop thinking about what he did and hold it together for my son. This is the second night in a row I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just want to howl and cry. I've done a decent job keeping it together when I'm with my son, but he already must be sensing something is wrong because his father won't be here again (second day) when he wakes up. And he knew that Daddy didn't sleep at home tonight. And our vacation didn't happen when it was supposed to. I just don't know how to fix his world while mine is falling apart.
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreHave you decided if you're telling your family or a close friend? If you tell them, someone can help you with your son. But if you tell them you can never un-tell them and even if you take him back eventually, there's no assurance that they will want to. But whatever you do, you need to get a day to yourself to cry as much as you need to. Can your dh's parents take him for the day? Or tomorrow?
[ Reply | More ]OP: thanks. I've told friends and my sister. But I kind of feel like my son needs me to be around right now -- leaving him with someone would be another thing out of the ordinary for him to deal with. I'm just so sad and hurt. I'm worried I'm not going to succeed as a single mom. Either I'll screw up my son or my job, or both.
[ Reply | More ]not a btdt but ita with you about your ds needing you now. this stability is important for him in what must be an unsettling time for him too. plan extra fun things for you and ds and you will feel better just seeing him having some fun. at some point you will have to talk with husband about arranging for him to see ds. i am so sorry; nothing will ever be the same and that knowledge has to be the first step for you to take. counselling should be the next if there is to be any hope. but make ds's world as happy as it can be and focus on a plan for him to have some time with his dad. good luck to you.
[ Reply | More ]Don't make any huge decisions now- you're still too raw. If you think you can fake it and be with your son and stay not crying, then go do something fun, something you don't usually do, like taking the subway to the aquarium. If you think it'd be too hard to keep it together, can you have a friend take ds for a few hours?
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I'm really sorry this happened to you. My DH did this to me when I was pregnant. I was angry and hurt. We did therapy and it helped a lot and we're still together. Our relationship is much stronger now. If you want him to stay, you're going to have to learn to forgive and trust him again. Not easy. p.s. Be very careful about whom you talk to about this. It has long term implications but you will need to talk to someone. I talked to my sister.
[ Reply | More ]I don't think your world has to fall apart. It is superhuman to expect people to go against fundamental human nature for so long. It is nothing against you. There is nothing wrong with you. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?src=me&ref=general
[ Reply | More ]Hi sweetie. I am so sorry DH did this. What I can say is it happened to me also and it is way more cmmon than you think. Don't pay attention to UB advice because 50% of the time its aweful everyone thinks their DH never and would never cheat but that's just not the reality, most men mess up at least once its just a matter of getting caught or not. Know that you are not alone. What I found that helped was to send DC's away for the weekend and then I did a complete tirade vent on DH. I didn't want to see him so if you are able to rent your self a hotel room somewhere cry, cry, cry and order room service and some wine. Try some positive websites and blogs of how women overcame their spouse cheating on them and overcame it. Familys that survive...
[ Reply | More ]This is going to sound canned but really works, live day to day and as someone above put it..fake it. Pretend you are happy mom and wait to fall apart after DC is asleep. Just pretend you are living someone else's life like you are an actress. You need to eat for your DC, eat milkshakes if it is all you can stomach but you have to eat. Get an ambien prescription from your doc, you need to sleep.
[ Reply | More ]OP, your story really resonated with me. I have never thought my husband would ever do this to me, but the way you described your relationship with your husband made it hit home for me. I can't imagine how devastated you must feel. I applaud you for keeping it together *at all* for your child--I think I would just have a complete meltdown and go ballistic on my husband. To answer your question, I think you should have a friend or relative take your child for the day. They can do something fun with him and he will find it exciting--he won't be thinking it's evidence that something is wrong, and you can get some much-needed private time, which will benefit your son in the long run.
[ Reply | More ]I was thinking a lot last night about how I would feel if this were my husband. On the one hand I don't know how I could forgive that betrayal--how could he really do that to someone he is so close to? On the other hand, people do f*ck up, and perhaps in the long haul I would wonder if it's worth trading my kids' father and my best friend of 10+ years over one mistake, albeit a god-awful one. I just don't know. The reasonable response seems to be to first let yourself grieve his infidelity and then work toward forgiveness, but I don't know if my reasonable side would win out. At any rate, best wishes as you push forward.
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OP, I just wrote something on your post of yesterday (sorry, I hadn't seen this one yet). I know what you're dealing with. It's brutal. But it does get better, especially if he's apologetic and willing to commit to making things better.
[ Reply | More ]OP: My father cheated, and it ruined our family. When I met DH, I told him I had serious issues with that and with trusting men. He gave me his solemn word he would never be my father. DH was the first man I believed wouldn't do it; I actually did trust him and lived in complete innocence for our 15 happy years. Until this one, when had a choice and picked the one that he knew would open those old childhood wounds that never fully healed. I guess that's why I can't see it as one screw up. He knew to me it was the most important promise he made me. I told him I just never wanted a child to be raised in a situation like the one I had, and that bastard went and recreated it to the letter. I just can't see forgiving that. It's not like...
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[-]Just found out on Wednesday my DH, who I've been with 16 years, had an affair. I haven't slept since, can't eat, and don't know how to clear my mind. Any advice on how to deal with these physical symptoms? I'm alone at home with my 4-year-old and am afraid to take a sleep aid because I want to be alert for him. I've decided I can't begin to handle my emotional hell until I can finally sleep again.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreCan you get family or a sitter or even a friend to help out? I've been there and I know it is painful. So sorry you are going through this!
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Not trying to offend if you're not religious at all, but in situations like those, my mother always recommended repeating a short prayer over and over until you fall asleep. Often works for me.
[ Reply | More ]I think you will have to wait until tomorrow. Sleep aids are too difficult given your state and that you have never used one. BTW, glad you have checked in. I've been thinking of you as have a number of us. When I'm in pain, I watch stupid sitcoms. The only thing I can say is that you are at the bottom and you will start to climb up. I was in a similar situation and while the pain doesn't go away, it does get easier.
[ Reply | More ]Do the most intense exercise you can do within the confines of your space for as long as you can, then take a scented hot bath, drink some hot chocolate and go to sleep in DC's room. Just drag whatever you have to sleep on into his room once he is asleep and you won't disturb him. Being close to him will help you to settle, and remove fears of not being there in case you sleep too deeply once you do let go.
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[-]my 4yo dd announced she was going to list the people she didn't like. before i could stop her she mentioned "katie" who copies too much "jane" who has a bad haircut and a babysitter i know she likes. she said she chatted about this with her friend stacy yesterday. i told her copying is a form of flattery and asked if she would be hurt if friends stopped liking her if she had a bad haircut. help! this did not seem to deter her thinking
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreTell her she's being mean. Straight forward, "That's a mean thing to say. You are being mean." Talk about what it feels like when someone is mean to you. Do you want to play with someone who is mean? etc. Also talk about being nice and being a good friend. Repeat the conversation often and don't let her hear you gossip.
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[-]Just found out DH (who I have been with for almost 16 years) cheated for the past few months. Lied multiple times when asked over the last week, and only admitted it when I found tangible evidence (a note). Even then, claimed it wasn't physical, lied to my face again. Finally came clean. Claims no sex, but everything short of that. I don't want to continue with the marriage, but we have a 4-yr-old about to start an ongoing school, and I'm so worried about what this will do to him. Any advice?
193 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreI'm very sorry. How do you feel about everything? Is he apologetic? How is the rest of the relationship? Are you sure this is the first time?
[ Reply | More ]OP: He claims it's the first time. I can't be sure, but I think that's true. He's apologetic -- but I feel like it's only because he got caught and now realizes that this has serious consequences. We had a great marriage, even he admits that. Came totally out of the blue. It's all the lying that gets to me -- he lied to my face multiple times. And the fact that he hooked up with her on some important days in our life. If it were just me, I'd get divorced without question. I just want my little boy to be okay.
[ Reply | More ]I'm in no way defending him, but it is almost impossible for someone to tell the truth under those circumstances. Like you said, I'm sure he never thought there would be consequences and being confronted with them must have been shocking for him. If I were you, I would try counseling and see if you can move past this for the sake of your son. 16 years is a very long time, and it's not always easy to throw those years away.
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Agreed, but people do make mistakes and can be genuinely remorseful. This goes for both parties. I know I will likely get flamed, but I don't rank infidelity any higher on the transgressions scale than other offenses. We are human, and if things are otherwise good, it might be worth saving it.
[ Reply | More ]I actually agree, but OP wants to divorce because of the infidelity and what I think of infidelity can't help her.
[ Reply | More ]The problem with infidelity and other things involving lying is that the definition of the relationship is altered by the truth once revealed. Much of what would seem "worth saving" was a lie. Even if genuine, it was worthless to at least one party in the relationship when it came to making important decisions. I agree that people do make mistakes, but lying is special because it makes it hard to even gauge what the underlying mistakes (beneath the lying) are.
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Children of divorce turn out just fine. Some don't, but some kids who grew up in happy homes don't turn out great either. You should do what is best for you. It will also be what's best for your child.
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Men are taught that they should deny any affair until is impossible to do so. They are terrified by the consequences
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OP: I love him, but I don't trust or respect him. The affair was with someone he works with who is 29 (he's 41, I'm 40) and going through a crisis with her live-in boyfriend. It's so pathetic. We had everything, and things were getting better (I got a raise, we bought a house in the country, our son got into a school). DH can't explain it except to say he was an idiot and to beg me for the sake of our son to forgive him, which I feel is kind of crappy. Especially when the first time I confronted him, I said that I wanted to know if we had issues in our marriage to work through and he promised me everything was fine. Next day, he went to his office and made out with the 29-year-old. I don't think I'm a big enough person to get passed ...
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OP: Believe it or not, I had a vivid dream and woke up without being able to shake the feeling it was a sign. I know that may sound a little nuts, but it turned out to be true. I didn't suspect a thing until that point, though I should have. He works almost exclusively with her but I realized he never talks about her to me. No stories from the day, nothing.
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or: I feel for you, but have no advice to give except to say I know that your heart is breaking right now. Take some time, read books and articles. I think Cosmo and Elle have some good articles online, which won't help much, but could make it easier to pass those sleepless nights. Don't be afraid to go to your doctor and tell her your new problem--she might be able to prescribe something temporary to help you sleep, which you will need so you can think straight and develop a strategy to move forward, either with or without your husband.
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this is important OP. Marriage are difficult, man and yes woman make terrible mistakes but is not written that the best option is to finish right now. Plus, focus on your feelings for him and in the health of your relashionship to make a decision. Of course will have impact on your DC but ultimately only if you truly want to stay, the marriage is going to be heal and good for DC
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OP dont take any decision lightly. Take some time to think about it. Right now is devastating and overwhelming but you dont end up 16 years of great marriage in a day. Send him to a hotel or friend so you have space to process and evaluate the pros and cons
[ Reply | More ]He'll probably just go to his affair's house for some parting sex if she makes him leave. OP, if you are considering staying with him, make him come home to your house and stay in another room so he can't go to her. If you're done, kick him out.
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OP: He went to a friend's house. That much I know is true because I now have access to his email (long story, but I insisted after this came into the open) and he gave me the friend's number. I can't have him here. But already I have to come up with explanations for my son, who is wondering what's going. And this is day 2. Plus, DH's parents were coming to visit for the 4th to see country house. We had to tell them. He just ruined so much and I can't stop asking myself why. Or how I'm going to ever trust anyone else again.
[ Reply | More ]OP, one day at a time. You have 16 years with that guy, the family is coming the child is in. Why are you going to tell IL? Don't do this. can you trust they won't tell the whole family. I will let them come and explain we had an issue and are evaluating and try to have a FAMILY time. You will have time enough after the 4 to sort out what you want.
[ Reply | More ]Tell him his Father is SICK-which he is if he cares more about the friction he gets from another woman-it is only friction-and he can't come home until he is no longer sick-because male sexuality and their pathetic needs-has turned him into a very SICK man indeed. Was his penis going to cure her???
[ Reply | More ]The dh isn't sick -- he's sick of his wife. 16 years together and he got married when he was 25 and he's around this hot 29yo all day long......and he's HUMAN!
[ Reply | More ]if he's sick of his wife, why is he asking her to work things out? If he's sick of her, he'd have divorced long before they had a kid together.
[ Reply | More ]OK, you're right. The evidence we have does not necessarily mean he's sick of his wife. He may really love his wife. But he's sick of monogamy with her. God gave him instincts to have sex with other women and he finally couldn't ignore those instincts any more. If he went 16 years from 25-41 years old without cheating then he actually did pretty well. But asking to work things out doesn't tell us anything either.
[ Reply | More ]That's not the way it works. People want it all. They want to have the stability that comes from marriage, and the excitement that you can only find with new pu55y.
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The point is that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and over 50% of currently married spouses *admit* to having cheated. There are obviously more who will not admit it. The fact that it's so common should give us a clue that it is likely unrealistic to expect, yet we continue to force ourselves to meet this impossible standard and act surprised when we don't live up to it.
[ Reply | More ]perhaps those statistics are true, but it's not a corollary. And just become something frequently, doesn't mean we have to accept it. Lots of law breakers out there, but we don't go legalizing everything because it happens a lot.
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well, in many states and countries adultery is illegal. So is stealing the affections of someone else's husband. I'm waiting for your "why can't we be more like the French" argument. And there are plenty of women in France who be posting the same shit online if there was UB Paris. Turns out jealousy and possessiveness is also part of human nature.
[ Reply | More ]It is an antiquated law that has never been enforced, with a $500 fine attached to it. It is an example of a law changing over time to adjust to societal norms.
[ Reply | More ]In 2004, a jury granted a Robeson County man $567,000 after a doctor was found guilty of having an affair with his wife. Similarly, a wife was awarded $2 million in punitive and compensatory damages in 2001 after she filed a lawsuit against another woman who had an affair with her husband. An average of 245 lawsuits were filed each year on this issue between 2000 and 2005, according to the News and Record. The North Carolina Family Policy Council has fought consistently to preserve the right of a wronged spouse to sue a third party who alienates the affections of their spouse and who commits adultery with their husband or wife.
[ Reply | More ]in "no fault divorce" states it's not. But I'm not making this up -- those are real cases brought on by real men and women legitimately pissed that their husbands and wives cheated and left them for someone else. I don't think they'll be swayed by your "Monogamy goes against human nature" argument. marriage is a contract, and a spouse broke it by cheating. End of story.
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AND we make our kids miserable with divorce because one parent didn't meet that ridiculous standard.
[ Reply | More ]your right, it's the world's fault that your kids suffer when you break your spouse's heart.
[ Reply | More ]oh, and that "ridiculous standard" is "NOT BANGING SOMEONE ELSE." pretty low bar, wouldn't you say?
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Those vows he took in front of family, friends, and god (if applicable) were just for play, play. Gee. I guess he was captured and dragged in front of minister of judge, because he could have got his swerved on all he wanted and stay single. Men act like they are doing us a favor by marrying us. Whatev. You ain't got nothing I can't get from a college degree, a vibrator, Chunky Moneky ice cream, Law & Order re--runs, and a sperm bank.
[ Reply | More ]It's not that. I'm sure the vows taken mean something at the time, but people and their feelings do change over time. I'm not defending adultery, but I don't see it as any worse than other offenses (chronic lying, drinking, abuse, etc.).
[ Reply | More ]I have no problem with feelings changing over time. Shit happens. If you want to screw somebody else, leave. This is NYC. There is lawyer on every corner like Starbucks. But honor your committment until it's over. There is plenty of time to sleep with the PYT and let her give you herpes.
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I truly don't care about the standards of others. I just know me. I told my husband while we were dating straight up that if he cheated, there was the door. I'm not being in an unhealthy marriage with a man who can respect his vows or himself and potentially bring home a deadly disease home to me and my children. Hell to the no. You want to dip your wick and spread your seed without discrimination, please divorce me.
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Leave now or accept that it will happen again. Everyone that gets caught claims there wasn't any sex. But you need to realize that their was. Take it from me, I have been on both ends of this and it will just continue if you allow it.
[ Reply | More ]You need space and time. I would see a therapist, either solo or marriage counseling. For now, just concentrate on being a good mom. I can understand your anger and your sense of betrayal but it does put into perspective what is importantin life and its not the country house or the ongoing school.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Agreed. I only mention those things because in addition to being best friends and having fun together, we were really doing well in terms of finances and our long-term plan to stay in the city. I'm really self-critical, but this one really came out of the blue. I couldn't have done anything differently, unfortuantely, which also makes me wonder what would stop it from happening again. He claims the usual BS about mid-life crisis. Just so sad. I just can't envision a life going forward with him as my husband because I know I'll never trust him again. Or respect him. The woman is nothing special, and he supervises her, so it's even more disgusting. She's killing time while getting a graduate degree by working part-time for him. C...
[ Reply | More ]It's totally not your fault. Work environments are notorious breeding grounds for infidelity, and technology has made it even easier. There was no way you could have monitored him enough to prevent it from happening, and to do so probably would have caused just as much problems by treating him like a 5 year old that needs constant supervision and reminding not to flirt with his subordinates.
[ Reply | More ]OP, I know everything feel terrible now, like the world is falling over you. Try not futurize what is going to happen. I will try to get some sort of counselling session right now, just to help deal with facts and keeep head straight. I know is terrible when you have dc, you feel you can't grieve (cry, call him names, whatever). can he get dc for an afternoon in the park?.
[ Reply | More ]So you're going to dump your best friend, father of your child, roommate, DH of 16 years, financial partner, etc. because he had sex with another woman and lied about it? You could do that, but maybe you'd want to think about it first for a while.
[ Reply | More ]yes, if it weren't for that one little thing of repeatedly lying so that she never again knows if she can trust her, and in the process, breaking her heart, the marriage is totally fine
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you're right. maybe she can medicate herself so that she no longer feels or cares, and they can both start sleeping around with other people and putting up a sham marriage front so that they don't have to go through the trouble of dividing the finances and selling the country house! Noooo problem with that.
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First, I am very sorry. I don't think this is a decision that you can make quickly. I am not sure what I would do (I would probably not be holding it together as well as you are) but I would probably first separate, then try counseling. Even if you don't take him back it might help with your co-parenting relationship. Good luck. And, while I know it seems unforgivable, good people sometimes make bad decisions.
[ Reply | More ]If you decide to stay with him, I think he should be forced to find a new job. How would you possibly feel safe every day knowing that he is going to work with this same woman?
[ Reply | More ]OP: It gets worse. We work for the same employer, just in different buildings. He and I basically work together on big projects, but she was his personal assistant. The layers of betrayal run pretty deep here.
[ Reply | More ]I think that this should be the start point of any talking. What now, job-wise? You probable can talk with HR and have him/her reallocated? He needs to come clear with this first. Tell him that whaever you decide, it will be impossible for you to keep this job triangle. ask: what can you do about this... Then you can see how it goes. Mainly you need to have an outlet that is safe for you (work)
[ Reply | More ]This could cause a sexual harrassment situation at work. He should definitely try to move on.
[ Reply | More ]oh no, if you guys have any chance, he needs to find a new job asap - and do not bring this up with HR like someone suggests - they do not need to know your personal business
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Realize that even if you separate or divorce, your DH is not going to be ever out of your life because you will need to co-parent. At some level, you are going to have to trust him again because you will be trusting him with your son. So, think long and hard about your future.
[ Reply | More ]yes, it could be painful to divide time with your dc with the cheating ex. But that's not a good reason to stay with someone you aren't in love with anymore.
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OP: I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him after this. I love him because he was my best friend, I can't ignore all the good times and good things about him. Even after he's hurt me so bad, I don't want to hurt him or even seek revenge. Sure, I'm glad he's feeling pain over this because of what he's done to me. But I'd like to find a way to end it this as amicably as possible. I don't feel like love is enough here. I think marriage has to be about trust and respect. I don't trust or respect him anymore after this.
[ Reply | More ]what if he changed jobs, relinquished his cell phone, quit facebook, and entered marital counseling with you to save the marriage? If he showed herculean efforts would you start to respect him again?
[ Reply | More ]Your son will be fine and it sounds like you will be as well. My suggestion is to see a therapist to help you through this time, hire a lawyer and file for formal separation. Put the country house up on the market and your current place. Move to good school zone and buy a 2 bd room for you and your little one. Encourage DH to get a place nearby. In the meantime, I would want to be productive, start streamlining and organizing your stuff, de-clutter. I'd also book a vacation for you and your little guy..Turks & Caicos. Can you leave tomorrow?
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I think she can trust him to be a good father even if she can't trust him in her romantic life with him. The two kids of trust are mutually exclusive.
[ Reply | More ]I believe you are right but it sounds like OP would like to blow her DH off the face of the earth right now but he is going to be in her life for decades to come,one way or the other.
[ Reply | More ]Such a good role model. Hi Son. Hi Daughter. When you get bored with marriage this his how you cheat and lie to your spouse. If you can convince your spouse that you cheating is their fault, well, you are golden. Remember these words of wisdom from your dad. Oh, and if your spouse cheats on your just suck it up. It's no biggie.
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sorry you are going through this. It will do nothing to your child, but if you keep with this marriage it will make your child learn how to be either a shitty husband or a stupid wife. Dont let your kid see that it is acceptable to cheat in a marriage and hope to continue as usual. your ex can still be a father to the child, without being a husband to you.
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I see. Lying and cover-up. Now that's good parenting right there. Daddy? How come mommy has something called Valtrex in her dresser? Well, you see son, mommy has some pimples that won't go away...
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why explain such a thing to a 4 y.o. OP should not do that, that is vicious. If OP wants to explain once the child is older, maybe.
[ Reply | More ]I do believe that children should not know about infidelity. HOWEVER, rarely does infidelity stay secret over the long haul. And, I would have to side-eye my mother or my father knowing that they continued to be in marriage with someone who didn't value their body, family or committments. I'd have to really know how to interpret this information and the context and past history. Is this what forgiveness looks like or this what being a dormat is like?
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The only advice you need: SUCK IT UP. You married him, and then had his child. Divorce will be unhealthy for all involved, especially your kid.
[ Reply | More ]ITD. She does not need her cheatng DH. He seems to add nothing to her life but misery at this point.
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are u crazy? he is f**ing someone else. best friend!!! u must have some very special best friends if u accept this concept.
[ Reply | More ]My best friend of darn near 30 years has never betrayed me and I would never betrayed her. Get a new best friend, OP. This man ain't got nothing your can't get from someone else who truly values you, values your family, and values his committments.
[ Reply | More ]You and your best friend didn't have vows of monagamy together that violate nature's way.
[ Reply | More ]Oh, I see violating nature. Loves it. Then men should not get married. Don't go against nature. That's we we have global warming. Go spread your sperm and disease with discrimination and stop getting married. I'll take being old and busted with 19 cats over taking 50 pills a day to stay alive because my DH gave me HIV.
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There you go. So why these douche bag cheaters keep getting married is beyond me. Really. You are not doing any woman a favor by putting a ring on it. I don't want your ring if I have to pay for it with my physical and mental health because you can't keep your dick out of someone else's pussy or ass.
[ Reply | More ]I am sorry but do you hate men? you sound really really harsh. we women also cheat and apparently no much less than men
[ Reply | More ]I don't hate men. I hate cheaters. Yes, women cheat and behave like douches. That's fine. Just don't get married. You can screw until the cows come home. I say this to young men and young women. Don't get tied down with someone if you are not truly emotionally and ready to make a committment. Committments matter. They have to matter. Otherwise, we'd all be behaving like a bunch of monkeys at the zoo. No one is dragging any man or any women to the altar.
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I actually agree that monogamy is against nature, so we all fight nature as long as we can and when we fail it's time to move in in my opinion. Even though I think we all have it in us to cheat, once it's done it's time to go, it will never be the same. I don't want to show my kids what a marriage looks like once the trust is gone.
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why cant people understand that is not the same for everybody. OR say suck it up. Others say: leave inmediately. I wish I would have a black or white answer for everything in life, but really life is not like that. Maybe is clear cut for both of you but oh! there is so much in the middle and guess what WE DONT KNOW. DH can end up cheating again or may end up getting his lesson and living with op happily ever after. OP may overcome her misstrust or NOT. OP only will know that in the future. EACH case is different, each person different, not everybody value exactely the same thing
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u're nuts....just because u married someone who turned out to be a total turd, u re not required to ruin the rest of your life and stay around (and maybe even get aids). why would u even think its a no choie type of a situation? are u in a miserable marriage u're afraid to get out of for some stupid reason? i hope to God op does not listen to the likes of you.
[ Reply | More ]why cant people understand that is not the same for everybody. OR say suck it up. Others say: leave inmediately. I wish I would have a black or white answer for everything in life, but really life is not like that. Maybe is clear cut for both of you but oh! there is so much in the middle and guess what WE DONT KNOW. DH can end up cheating again or may end up getting his lesson and living with op happily ever after. OP may overcome her misstrust or NOT. OP only will know that in the future. EACH case is different, each person different, not everybody value exactely the same thing
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wow, you doom her and her child because her husband fucked up - why should she stay in an unhealthy relationship, divorce is the better answer in so many situations
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It is possible for a marriage to recover and become stronger after an affair, but it takes a lot of work from both parties. Given some time, and if so inclined you can use this as an opportunity to examine your marriage and understand how and why this happened. Am not saying OP was in any way at fault of course - but it can be done if both people want it. You are in shock now though, and should wait a while before making any major life changing decisions moving forward.
[ Reply | More ]If OP lied like rug and then later told her DH, "I sucked his dick but when didn't have penetration", OP's husband couldn't call a lawyer fast enough.
[ Reply | More ]Don't let a 29 year old ditz ruin your marriage. Make him pay the price (you name it) and if he does that, stay together and move on.
[ Reply | More ]OP, I don't know what the right answer is, but just wanted to say I feel for you and I'm so sorry. I had amazing relationship with DH, mutally loving, supportive, wonderful life -- and it was also torn apart in an instant thanks to DH and some unimpressive girl. What hurt most of all was the realization that I wasn't impervious to that kind of cutting betrayal. Take care of yourself, follow your heart, take time, and get off UB -- this is too serious an issue to have strangers weigh in with inflammatory remarks. Your head is already spinning. Take a bath and try to eat something. Wish you all the best.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Thank you so much. Every now and again on here, there's real kindness, and I guess that's why I posted. So thanks for sharing. I'm sorr you went through this, too. I am also looking at someone very unimpressive ruining our entire family. Torturing myself retracing the steps. (Figuring out the first day it happened and how he missed my son's bedtime.)
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Okay, I'm going to go against the grain. If he says he is truly and wants to work it out, get therapy. Not saying children of divorce don't turn out okay, but being able to commit to working marital problems out isn't a bad thing for a kid to see. I'm not saying stay with a guy that cheats on your your whole life, just to commit to trying once. You'll need therapy. Very hard to believe someone that lied to you in the past & you'll have some feelings that will take a long time to recover from, so it won't be easy. I think we give up too easily in our society. Of course that is totally different from being a doormat. ONE chance.
[ Reply | More ]You only just found out. You cannot make a sudden decision about your marriage. I know you want him out but it is hasty to end things so quickly, no matter how painful. You have to figure out where he stands on continuing the marriage and how much work both of you are willing to do to get things back on an equal footing. It could take a long time but it will be worth it if you can turn things around. Good luck to you.
[ Reply | More ]I went through a similar situation myself 3 years ago when my DC was 2yrs old. I tried working it out for a while for the sake of my DC. When I found out that he continued to lie that was it. It would have been hell for me to live in a marriage like that. Currently, I provide a very healthy and happy family environment for my DC. Keeps in touch with daddy also; somewhat...
[ Reply | More ]so sorry you have to go through this. my instinct is that you will never trust him again or for certain have that blissful innocence in marriage ever again. his lies went so deep that it is impossible to seperate truth from fiction at this point. he probably lies as easily as he tells the truth and you will not be able to escape that. these are my feelings and what my reactions would be; however, if you think you could stay with this marriage, counseling is essential asap. if you cannot, your dc will still be able to have a daddy and see their daddy, and eventually will adapt (not like but adapt) to the arrangement. i wish you strength and courage in the next months.
[ Reply | More ]OP, if you're still there, I want to offer some support. Don't make any rash decisions. Your emotions are very raw right now. Let the dust settle a little before giving up on your marriage. The early days are very, very difficult, but things will get better if you're both willing to try. It sounds like he is apologetic and if that's the case, you have something to work with. I went through a similar situation and it truly and honestly got better--and sooner than I thought it would. A lot depends on the specific circumstances of the infidelity, but I encourage you to think long and hard before throwing away an otherwise good marriage and breaking up your family. It's painful, but sometimes it can lead to something even better than before. Be...
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[-]a friend of my 5yo dd will sometimes she will frown or stick her tongue out at dd. what can i tell my dd to do in this scenario. she usually starts to cry but i tell her to ignore and walk away. i want her to stick up for herself since this bound to happen again.
40 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreTell her to stick her tongue out at the other girl. Explain that even though we all know violence should not be met with violence, sometimes the only way to reach a person who's being a jerk is to be a jerk right back.
[ Reply | More ]not good advice for life. tell her to ignore it. that's the best way to annoy the tongue sticker
[ Reply | More ]my goodness. if my kid is in school with yours, how would i know? can you wear a red headband on monday?
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Ignoring doesn't work with a kid who cries because someone is mean to them. Her DD will just internalize it all and that's perhaps worse. At least sticking her tongue out back lets her have some agency in the situation.
[ Reply | More ]Thanks won't go totally this route but I need to find a proactive way to deal with this since dd is internalizing.
[ Reply | More ]Tell her that you can't control how other people are going to act or react. if you know that the other person is doing something unwarranted, then you shouldn't worry about it because it just informs on them, not on you. Put that into words a kid could understand and you're golden. And the sooner she learns that lesson the better.
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I am the minority on this board but here goes. When a 5 yo sticks out their tongue, they are trying to be funny, not malicious. This has happened to me, and I always say, "Look at so and so, look how silly they are." If it was ill-intentioned, which I don't believe it was, the child wwill be disarmed and see the humor in making faces. And you have taught your child to roll with it and the other that he looks silly.
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I told my daughter the girl was clearly jealous and ignore. And she announced it to the girl. So I have no idea.
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Sorry but this post intrigues me. Does OP get all bent out of shape when another adult gives them an incredulous stare? I don't. Model confidence. When the little girl sticks out her tongue, dismiss it, and say wow, she looks weird, and move on. If you make these things important, they will be important in your childs life. A best friend sticking out her tongue is like the NICEST mean thing a kid can do. Just my opinion.
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[-]Looking for a nice Florida resort for vacation with 1 year old and 3 year old -- any suggestions?
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[-]does any one have a good booster/car seat suggestion. my 4yodd who is 43" tall now is growing out of her britax car seat.
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreThe guy who helped us choose ours (in CA) was perhaps the most freakishly knowledgeable about boosters as anybody I've ever met. When my kids outgrew their Britax Roundabout we moved them into Recaro boosters. Super comfy, great safety data, adjustable for growing kids. I believe the company uses the same materials used in safety seats for racecar drivers or something. We've been really happy with them.
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[-]wohm: i have a job offer where I could work 30 hrs/wk (option of 4 full days, or 5 days from 8:30-2:30pm). i have a 2 yr old, and am planning for at least one more. so wld love that this job would let me pick up kids from school, etc. downside: significantly less $$, but still enough for us to be ok on, and also, not really the job that will kick my career into high gear, but in my field and seems like a good organization. is the decrease in money & career advancement worth it? it's super tempting, but nervous about making a mistake. any advice appreciated!!!
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIf you can swing it financially the 8:30-2:30 option is ideal for school age kids. Even when they are younger this is still a nice schedule. If you have an opportunity to find pt job in your field then go for it. They are really hard to come by.
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with two little ones, it seems like really ideal hours. but you have to be prepared for the hit it will take on your career (of course how big the impact will depend on your industry, current position etc.). i think you can recover from taking a break with career advancement - at least you will continue to be "in the game" but it will take a while to get your salary back up.
[ Reply | More ]I've worked a similar schedule for the past four years and now am looking to change things. It is wonderful being with the kids, but we also have saved less over the past few years and have had more money worries. Be prepared to learn to deal with the loss of security a few extra dollars brings. I don't think I could have handled this as a permanent situation.
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[-]4.5 year old girl, normally incredibly well behaved, got her new little brother yesterday. She is extremely jealous, clingy, whiny, etc. What should we be doing to ease the transition?
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Moreshe needs to have jobs and be a part of caring for him. have her bring him to you. teach her how to stop his crying. teach her how to get him a bottle. let her be a part of the change. her confidence will grow and she will mature before your eyes.
[ Reply | More ]btw, you were probably missing for a while. she probably missed you. tell her how you missed her. tell her that you are tired. (btw, that's probably also why dd's behavior is bugging you). "dd, could you please help mommy w/ db" rather than "dd, mommy needs to help db now, please go find somewhere else to be"
[ Reply | More ]Our dc have same age difference. While involving her with new baby is nice, you need to make special plans with just her. Every week, same time have it be her choice: maybe you take her to her class, or to the park alone, or for an ice cream, etc. Ours took a looong time to adjust and still is a bit jealous, though so helpful and loving it's great. Just remember she's had you alone for 4 1/2 yrs. It will be a long transition.
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I think the above advice is all good. Get her involved. Spend special time alone with her. And DON'T feel guilty. I've seen too many friends turn to flat out bribery and coddling out of guilt. If you treat her little brother like an exciting new part of her life, and treat her as the responsible big sister, she will eventually come around to seeing it this way too.
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[-]What do you do when your DC (age 5.5) is defiant and won't listen to you? I just had to drag mine kicking and screaming onto the bus, and then drag/walk home a few blocks.
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | More"experts" say get down on 5.5yo level and act as crazy as dc is. dc should be shocked enought that they settle down. it looks nuts, but it's supposed to work. Works with my 4.5yo, but she might catch on by 5.5yo.
[ Reply | More ]OP: I will try to remember that. I am just so tired of the defiance and the whining. What would be punishment? I was so angry, that I threw 20 toys away I put them in two bags while she watched. I will have her bring it down to the thrift store later. Then, I brought her to her chalk board, and wrote "I will listen. No do overs." (I just don't understand why they want to "do over" something.) Now she is writing it over and over again on her board. Am I too harsh?
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My dd is older now, but when she did this in public when she was that age, I would tell her to stop and then I would say I'm going home and leave w/out looking back. She followed me every time and by the time we got home she was calmer.
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[-]Does anyone have any good suggestions for boys clothing that is cut for kids on the slim side? My son is 6 1/2, and he has outgrown all of his pants in terms of length. Any pants I buy for him that are a size 7 have been ridiculously huge, even with an adjustable waist. What are your go-to brands for tallish, skinny kids?
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[-]Does anyone have any good suggestions for boys clothing that is cut for kids on the slim side? My son is 6 1/2, and he has outgrown all of his pants in terms of length. Any pants I buy for him that are a size 7 have been ridiculously huge, even with an adjustable waist. What are your go-to brands for tallish, skinny kids?
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[-]My 4 yo ds refuses to wear anything with buttons or zippers. Anybody else have this problem? I let him have his way but now he doesn't want me to wear any buttons either and I feel its getting out of hand. I just don't know how to deal with it
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Moremy dd was the same. i did not fight it. now that she is almost 5 she has developed an interest in pockets. I told her that pockets only come in pants with buttons and zippers and she is breaking out of her no-zipper/buttons rut. your son will get over it too. have you asked him why he doesn't like buttons? maybe somone told him that babies can choke on them or something like that. kids can develop secret fears.
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[-]Crazy subway experience: I was on subway with my 2 toddlers around noon-ish. I pulled out a PB&J and handed 1/2 to each kid. A nicely dressed woman (who did not have a child with her) comes up to us and says "YOU are the reason I cannot take my child anywhere. Don't you realize people have peanut allergies?" Ummm - I got off at the next stop and switched cars. But really? Are there not Nut Stands on every 10th corner? My kids and I are the reason she can't take her child on the subway? I am so sorry to all those who have allergies, but we were keeping to ourselves on the train. Please leave us alone!
38 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreYou know that poll earlier about which state has the most a**holes? I'm going with New York. CRAZY!
[ Reply | More ]Oh God, you know she just loves telling people all day, every day about her child with the allergy.
[ Reply | More ]what do peanut-allergy people do walking down the street with all those "Nuts4Nuts" stands. do their mothers yell at the vendors?
[ Reply | More ]The thing is, if kids were actually going into anaphylaxis from touching things like subway seats it would be all over the news. Remember that girl in Canada who died of an asthma attack but they thought it was from kissing the boy who'd eaten pb? The international media was all over it.
[ Reply | More ]wow - i love how this board turns it on the mom who a) takes a subway and b) feeds her kids at normal mealtimes, but not on an almost "road-rage" mother who doesn't have a child with her! fascinating
[ Reply | More ]Peanuts (botanically are legumes) are GROUND Nuts and are closely related to peas and beans and not closely at all to TREE nuts (such as cashews, almonds etc). Nevertheless, allergies seem to ignore the botanists and their classifications in this regard and many children are allergic to both Ground and Tree Nut botanical categories.
[ Reply | More ]Man I'm really craving peanut butter now...maybe I'll go buy some and open it on my way home.
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Was at a "five guys" burger joint in Virginia recently where there was a sign on the door asking people not to consume peanut products purchased there outside of yhe store because there were children in the neighborhood with peanut allergies. I thought that was a little over the top.
[ Reply | More ]agree. there are so many other allergies that can be pretty bad, not just peanut allergies. I am very, very allergic to perfume (asthma attacks), but I don't think people should be allowed to wear it. the inserts in the magazines annoy the hell out of me, but I have the perogative to just not buy those magazines.
[ Reply | More ]My son is allergic to peanuts and I think this is crazy. His allergist told me that my older ds could eat a pb&j right next to him and nothing would happen. He would have to rub the peanut butter on him for there to be a problem. I hate hearing about things like this happening because it makes all peanut allergy moms look crazy.
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[-]NYC: where can I get a simple First Communion cake, covered in fondant. I just want initials and a cross on cake, and would really not enjoy spending a fortune. I got a budget cake last time and it was obscene!!
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