Quote of the Week

'If Pakistan can find a better wicketkeeper than me then I will try to make a comeback as a specialist batsman because batting is something I enjoy a lot and I can bat at any position.' - Kamran Akmal, Express Tribune.

Not only the worst wicketkeeper the world game has ever seen, but the worst pundit too.

Ask An Expert

'The 2011 IPL continues to struggle to attract viewers compared to last season, with ratings down 21.99% on average for the first 26 games across six key markets,' reports ESPN Cricinfo 'The drop was even steeper over the last ten games, with ratings falling by 27.08%.'

And the explanation for this drop-off?

'The likely culprits are cricket fatigue and a lack of familiarity with the teams, say media experts.'

Wow. Thanks for the insight. You don't also know the religion of the Pope, by any chance?

Number Crunching

$60,000: Average value of Lasith Malinga's central contract over past three years.

$600,000: Average value of Lasith Malinga's IPL contract over past three years.

Decision Time

'Bangladesh must grow out of a culture of petty politics and indecision if it wishes to truly develop as a cricket nation,' bemoans Jamie Siddons.

Ah, well - they have made at least one big decision this month......sacking Jamie Siddons!

Yes! It's War!

The Sun, Thursday: 'Duncan Fletcher will be driven by bitterness this summer when he tries to crush England with the world's No 1 team.'

Actual quotes to back this up: None.

The Sun, Friday: 'EXCLUSIVE - I'm coming to get you, Fletch......Graeme Swann is convinced Duncan Fletcher's mission to exact revenge on England this summer will end in failure.'

Actual quotes from Swann: "It might be an advantage that Duncan knows some of our players, you could say that. But these days you know about players' techniques anyway because there is so much footage."

Aren't the tension and ill-feeling unbearable? It's like the Cuban missile crisis all over again, only more so.

And while we're on the subject

'Who is Duncan Fletcher?' - asked Kapil Dev in a Hindustan Times interview.

The English Daily Mail was more complimentary, trumpeting: 'India announce Ashes winner as coach.'

In Australia they might consider the following more accurate: 'India appoint man who lost three of four Ashes series, the most recent by a humiliating record margin, and had about as much World Cup success as East Africa.'

Suicide Watch

Daily Mirror, Friday: 'Here's hoping there is a happier ending to Jonathan Trott's career than his poor old Great Uncle Albert - who shot himself at the age of 41 after scribbling his will on the back of a laundry ticket.

'So far, the stats are encouraging - he has hit three centuries in six Ashes Tests, his career average (61.53) is still second only to The Don's and his record against Australia (86.42) is within a big score of three figures.'

Oh dear.

For one, it seems pretty dubious taste to suggest that a man's Ashes average is the only thing between a man and self-harm.

For another, Albert Trott remains the only player to average more than 100 in Ashes Tests. Should we be worried in case young Jonathan continues to enjoy an accomplished international career?

Celebrity Endorsement of the Week

'Darren Gough is supporting the launch of Plusnet Fibre Optic Broadband,' reports the Mail on Sunday, grateful for a few words from the great man.

It's not quite a Skelwith Leisure Ambassadorship, but it's up there.

And the legendary Yorkshire mystic's view? Andrew Strauss must step down as ODI captain to make way for a younger skipper for 2015: 'The time has come to look at the real young guns like Andrew Gale at Yorkshire.'

By the time of the next World Cup, Andrew Gale will be 31. A real young gun, indeed.

Breaking News

The tagline of www.kevinpietersen.com?

'Official website of the Hampshire and England player'.

What a remarkable tool the web is for keeping your fans up to date in real time.

One to Watch

'Cricket South Africa (CSA) is optimistic of being cleared of any financial wrongdoings if there is an inquiry into the alleged misappropriation of millions of rand during the 2009 IPL.' - Calcutta Telegraph

President Dr Mtutuzeli Nyoka claims R68m has gone missing from their coffers. But Gerard Majola insists it is around here somewhere; he just hasn't had time to look for it.

Libel of the Week

'Bookies behind threats to Haider arrested' - ESPN Cricinfo, Thursday.

Eight men were picked up by police on Thursday morning. Is it pedantic of us to wonder if there is some kind of judicial process to go through before we declare them guilty?

Youngster of the Week

'Barney Gibson became the youngest player to play first-class cricket in England when he made his Yorkshire debut aged 15 years and 27 days.' - Sky Sports News, Wednesday.

Gibson was born in March, 1996. If that doesn't make you feel your age then nothing will.

Spat of the Week

'We have sent a letter to the ICC asking them to investigate his statement and come back to us,' declared an angry PCB this week.

They were responding to CA's James Sutherland, who told The Age that the spot-fixing fiasco is a consequence of not implementing the Qayuum report: 'I can't say for sure but I would have big question marks about whether those things would have happened last year if those recommendations had been fully implemented.'

Of course, it is entirely appropriate to marvel and scoff at the PCB's remarkable sensitivity - particularly as the report has not been fully implemented.

But Sutherland is wrong, too. The report's author admitted later that he let some of his favourite players off deserved punishments when making his final decision.

Rumour of the Week

'Jacob Martin, the former India batsman, was arrested in Delhi on Tuesday night in connection with a 2003 human-trafficking case.' - ESPN Cricinfo