Seven Bad Guys You Could Probably Take in a Fight

Share on Facebook posted 04-08-09 by craigmacnee

Most action films involve the hero fighting his way up the food chain of bad guys, from silent henchmen through subservient lieutenants to a final showdown with “the boss.”

It doesn’t bode well, then, for a movie’s climactic finale, when you are preoccupied throughout the film by the conviction that you could probably take the main villain in a fight, minus his weapons and built-like-a-brick-shithouse henchmen.

So puff out your chest and hold your head high as we survey the movie villains who … let’s face it … you could probably take.

7. Elliot Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Elliot Carver owns a media conglomerate and starts a war between two nations to get ratings for his news channel. But if you were to sock him in the kisser when he’s wearing those fragile Eurotrash glasses, you just know he would burst out crying. And his name is Eliot, for Chris’sake — Eliot! What kind of a name is that for an archvillain? If Bond’s nemesis is going to get away with wearing wire-rimmed eyeglasses that make him look like the constipated German engineer in those VW commercials, at least he ought to have a name like Otto or Thor. Or Horst, maybe. But Eliot?

6. Chuck Nichols in The Fugitive (1993)

This is a classic film, and you have to put it down to excellent filmmaking that you probably won’t be bothered by this the first … oh … hundred times you see it. But, still, it deserves inclusion for the mere fact that the villain, Charles “Chuck” Nichols, played by Jeroen Krabbe, is a research doctor. And a middle-aged one at that. I’m just not sure that ass-kicking is a prerequisite for the old résumé to get into medical school. On the other hand, credit where credit is due: The move with the metal beam was pretty slick.

Spoiler Alert: If you’ve not seen this film, don’t watch these. And shame on you.

5. Richie Madano in Out for Justice (1991)

From the moment the rotund Richie charges across the room at Gino like a bowl-cutted, headless chicken, there is never a moment of doubt … that he is going to get absolutely battered.

Kudos for the character naming in this film. William Forsythe plays Richie Madano. Richie kills his childhood friend Bobby Lupo. Steven Seagal plays Gino Felino, who sets out to avenge Bobby’s death.

4. Gustav Graves in Die Another Day (2002)

Berserk North Korean general has a face transplant, builds a dream machine because he can’t sleep, and wants to cut a swath through the minefield in the Korean Demilitarized Zone with a massive space laser. Amazingly, given the stiff competition, I think Die Another Day may be the zenith of Bond villain silliness.

You also get the feeling that you could probably take this guy in a proper scrap without the weapons, if for no other reason than that he’s just so damned groggy from all that manic face-transplanting, dream-machine-constructing, space-laser-swath-cutting insomnia.

3. Eric Qualen in Cliffhanger (1993)

Sly Stallone vs. the dad from 3rd Rock from the Sun. Enough said.
Check out this tribute by austinmillbarge22 on youtube.

2. Dominic Greene in Quantum of Solace (2008)

Look, I get it. OK. You want to make the villains seem contemporary. Move away from the campiness. But do they have to be this bland? For a start, there’s that naming problem again. Dominic Greene. If that was read out in a Bond-villain homeroom the other kids would definitely be teasing him.

Worse still, he’s not even trying to take over the world. Just Bolivia’s water. Is that it? Just Bolivia? And water!? You can get that out of the faucet, for Pete’s sake!

It’s such a shame, too, as Daniel Craig is such a good Bond and deserves a worthy adversary.

Le Chiffre, the testy testes-smasher in Casino Royale, wasn’t the best either, but at least he looked credible putting the hurt on Bond in the torture scene. My only hope is that the Bond producers, sly sons of guns that they are, have deliberately given us two weak villains to prepare us for one absolute badass one.

Speaking of which, who you would you like to see Daniel Craig pitted against in Bond 23?

1. Bennett in Commando (1985)

This guy is the real reason this list was created in the first place.

I’d love to have been a fly on a wall in the casting process for the Bennett character:

“Guys, we’re in a jam here. Production is in less than a week, and we have to find a credible adversary for a seven-time Mr. Olympia. Let’s just blue-sky this thing. No idea is too stupid. Nobody will be judged.”

“OK. First off. The audience obviously needs to believe that this guy is the equal of our Matrix character. He’s been trained by him, he knows his strengths and weaknesses, and he knows just how to fight him …”

And then a round of tequilas came to the producers’ table? Who knows? What we do know is that this is one of the most incongruent, yet marvelous, characters in film history.

But it’s not just the casting that went a little bit mental. Costumes Department: What happened? Was there a mix-up with FedEx, and nobody could be bothered to go to the terminal and exchange it for the real package? You’re not helping out a flaccid, pasty guy much when you dress him up in the camp trifecta of leather pants, gloves, and chain mail. Chain mail? And that mustache, well, it’s like one of those comedy mustache-and-glasses sets.

Anyway, as a setup to the final battle, Arnie dispatches with some soldiers who it seems should have spent less time learning how to pirouette when shot and more time studying for their Machine Gun 101 exam. Arnie, on the other hand, is able to arbitrarily aim his gun with one hand and achieve pinpoint accuracy. (Florists beware: A lot of flowers were harmed in the shooting of this clip.)

Finally, Schwarzenegger’s “Matrix” faces his ultimate foe.

0:54 to 1:05 is sublime: “Come on, Bennett: Let’s party” and  “I don’t wanna shoot you between the eyes, John. I wanna shoot you right between the … balls.”

Bonus Clips:

Arnold has obviously drunk the Kool-Aid in this interview:

As have the guys who made this video. My favorite is “Bennett’s List”:

And just for posterity — an ESPN-caliber highlight reel of every one of Arnie’s kills in the film.