Dom Joly

Recently by Dom Joly

Robin Scott-Elliot: Does Crooks know the final score – or is this the end?

Monday, 25 October 2010

View From The Sofa: Final Score/Champions League, BBC 1/ITV 1

Dom Joly: I'm at the Albert Hall and it's rubbish

Sunday, 24 October 2010

I played the Albert Hall last week. I was on stage for all of 30 seconds but still... box ticked. It all started with a call from Dave Arnold, the overly talented film-score composer. He was organising a concert for Care, a charity he is passionate about. The idea was for a night of some of the greatest film music ever composed, all played live with full orchestra – all bells and whistles. In between the music some light relief was wanted and Dave asked if I could do something. I agreed – after all, unless you're Eric Clapton, it's not often you get the chance to play the Albert Hall. The problem was, what to do? I am not a stand-up comedian, so don't have 10 minutes of lighthearted patter to do before moving on to my next three gigs of the evening: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen and can I say how exciting it is to be at the West London Photocopying Awards.... Sorry I'm late, but I've just been playing the Albert Hall."

Dom Joly: Howdy doody. It's the �2012 hotline.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Weird World of Sport: On the morning of the opening ceremony Lord Coe arrives at your door and carries you piggyback style through the streets of London to the venue.

Dom Joly: I could have told myself where to go, but my kids did

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Satnavs – who needs them? When they first came out I totally fell in love. It was like being in the SAS, you had your own little gadget that would tell you where you were and how to get anywhere with the help of what felt like your own personal satellite revolving around the earth just waiting to guide you to Waitrose.

Dom Joly: Would you Adam and Eve it? I get a butchers as the lads plan a bit of a barney

Monday, 11 October 2010

'I don't have any Doc Martens but I do have some boots that are like, for hiking and stuff... will those do?'

Dom Joly: Calm down, Hastings. I don't give in to pier pressure

Sunday, 10 October 2010

More hassle on Twitter last week. I think I'm going to have to discontinue my account soon, as I seem to offend somebody every time I put finger to key.

Dom Joly: Forget Delhi belly, but watch out for snakes and tigers in the athletes' village

Monday, 4 October 2010

Weird World of Sport: 'I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms'

Dom Joly: My 82-year-old mother-in-law thinks I'm a square

Sunday, 3 October 2010

It was all going to be so rock' n'roll. A friend of mine in the States organises a huge free festival at the gloriously named Merriweather Post Pavilion in Maryland. Some of my favourite bands were booked, the weather was scheduled to be good and I had an "artist" pass that allowed me to wander anywhere I wanted. What could go wrong?

Dom Joly: How can I help you? 24-hour phone line rides to the rescue at Delhi's Games

Monday, 27 September 2010

Weird World of Sport: 'My main concern however is that there is a long electric wire hanging down from where the light should be'

Dom Joly: For a cheery welcome at Dulles, pose as a doughnut

Sunday, 26 September 2010

I'm in Washington DC for four days. I decided it would be fun for my daughter to celebrate her 10th birthday in the capital of the USA. I've got all kinds of stuff lined up for her: the International Spy Museum, the theatre box where Lincoln was shot, the Vietnam war memorial....

Dom Joly: Cider with Freddie? Careers advice for a cricketer who has finally left the crease

Monday, 20 September 2010

Weird World of Sport: "There's a cider company in the South-west who are very keen to put you on their label"

Dom Joly: My scariest place? Any provincial British town after 9pm

Sunday, 19 September 2010

A couple of years ago I made a television series called Happy Hour in which I travelled the globe, supposedly to "investigate cultural attitudes to alcohol". The show was for Sky One so basically it was an excuse for a lot of drinking and drink-related exploits. Despite visiting countries like Russia where they seem genetically disposed to drink, I didn't find anywhere that remotely compared to the very British disposition of mixing drinking and fighting. The Russians love to drink so much that beer is considered a soft drink. There aren't many bars either – they do not have time for sitting down and socialising while drinking. They simply get the bottle, neck it and pass out in the nearest corridor. Almost everywhere I visited had happy rather than violent drunks. So I often wonder what it is about our island that makes us so eager to get in a ruck with strangers? Sometimes I think it might be part of our social insecurity. As a reserved nation, the only way we can "touch skin", whether that be sex or fighting, is with the help of a little alcohol.

Dom Joly: I'll moida da bum! Haye and Harrison take boxing bravado to idiotic new heights

Monday, 13 September 2010

Weird World Of Sport: This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve

Dom Joly: I could play for England, now I hang around hotels

Sunday, 12 September 2010

I've been on a tour of the North this week promoting my book (The Dark Tourist ... thanks for asking). Having never done stand-up, I've not really toured before and wasn't prepared for the mind-numbing nature of it. Obviously I am not remotely trying to compare it to a day down the mines or spent trudging the streets as a traffic warden – I love giving the talk and showing my dark holiday snaps, but that takes up one hour of the day. The rest is empty.

Dom Joly: Spot-fixing had the cricket world stumped but not me and my scanner

Monday, 6 September 2010

Weird World of Sport: 'Listen, we need to come to an agreement about what might be occurring in your big game...'

Dom Joly: Always look on the bright side of Lund

Sunday, 5 September 2010

When I was invited to a Swedish comedy festival to appear at a question-and-answer session on my "life's work", I assumed that it was a joke. I checked and double-checked but the invite seemed to be serious, and the town of Lund did indeed have a comedy festival.

Dom Joly: An inspector calls - how Clegg tried to win over Fifa's World Cup bid team

Monday, 30 August 2010

‘One of our inspectors tells me it cost him �800 to take a train from London to Brighton’

Dom Joly: In my alternative society, they would wear pink cords

Sunday, 29 August 2010

I'm in Denmark for a couple of days – the only Scandinavian country I hadn't visited. It often has the "happiest population in the world" in those unfathomable surveys by interested parties

Dom Joly: Wanted, urgently... first-class degree from the university of sporting life

Monday, 23 August 2010

Weird World of Sport: 'I might specialise in the relationship between sportsmen and the sedentary spectator'

Dom Joly: Bovine ablutions, and other country ways

Sunday, 22 August 2010

It's the sheer level of violence that I can't comprehend.

Dom Joly: Se�or Bullwinkle and a very tall tale from a Spanish hotel

Monday, 16 August 2010

Weird World of Sport: 'I was wondering whether it might be possible for you to forget I stayed here'

Dom Joly: Just popping out for a crossbow, dear

Sunday, 15 August 2010

The Cotswolds were deserted as we drove back from France. The ferry ride over from St Malo had almost approached civilised status. The meal was superb, as the ship was run by a French company. It was a far cry from the things that chug between Calais and Dover. Once in England, the predictable August rain was giving the countryside a good soaking. From what I could make out, everyone here is currently in the Dordogne. Why, is a mystery. The moment I spot a "Friday night is fish and chip night" sign on a restaurant abroad, I want to flee to the ferries. It was the reason that I didn't go on the usual gap year between school and university. I couldn't quite see the point of going to Koh Samui in Thailand to flounce about in fluorescent face paint at half-moon parties with everyone I knew from London. It's this homogenisation of world travel that makes travel so much less exciting nowadays.

Dom Joly: Formidable! Drunk surfing can claim a certain je ne sais quoi

Monday, 9 August 2010

It was back to the beach for me this week. As my extended French exile (sorry, holiday) rolled on inexorably, I was forced to find things to take up my time. Having seen a sign for surfing lessons on the only road that winds its way down towards Cap Ferret, I decided to go for it and gave the number a call, with mixed results.

Dom Joly: I am the victim of a dastardly art heist

Sunday, 8 August 2010

I used to love Belgium, the nation about which General De Gaulle once snorted, "Two provinces don't make a country." So many of my passions – Tintin, Jacques Brel, frites with mayonnaise – come from there. Last week, however, my love for the Flems and Walloons was severely tested.