'Jersey Shore': 'All Jokes Aside, What Goes On in This Place?'
By Eliot Glazer, The Set | Friday, February 25, 2011, 8:23 AM
This ain't "Cash Cab."
MTV.com
What a way to start off this episode of "Jersey Shore"! Nicole has sexual intercourse with a stranger, and proudly boasts to Jenny/JWOWW about "smushing" (her term, not mine) with a dude, and then kicking him out after bestowing upon him the title of "worst snuggler ever."
But let's be honest: Would you feel like snuggling with a complete stranger? On a bare mattress? With cameras filming you in night-vision? Snooks, cut the guy some slack! Or just kick him out! (Oh wait, you just did. Good for you!)
"On to the next!" Snooki announces, picking up the phone to make plans with Nick, another juiced-out gorilla she hooked up with...I mean, "a former flame." Date night!!!
The next morning, DJ Pauly wakes up his housemates so that they get to work on time — "work," in this case, being a ganky novelty tee-shirt shop on the boardwalk (because in exchange for earning $30,000 per episode, these kids should — at the very least — be hawking tee-shirts that read "Italian Princess" to stupid kids). Problem is, Danny DeVito...I mean, Deena is hung over, and she is not in the mood to put her best foot forward and sell a "Come At Me Bro" tee-shirt to those in need.
Despite being"on the clock," Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and DJ Pauly disappear on the boardwalk along with Deena, causing their boss, Dean, to get upset. WHO'S SUPPOSED TO SELL THE SPLATTER-PAINT HOODIES? Soon enough, though, they return, and nobody gets in trouble, because why should these people be held accountable for their actions? They're just reality TV stars whose job requirements include stripping away their dignity for some precious camera time, so let's cut them some slack, okay? You don't get a spot on Dancing with the Stars without scraping away a little bit of your soul.
Ronnie — who's still reeling from the departure from the house of his ex, Sammi, after they encountered "relationship troubles" (i.e. Ronnie lunging at Sammi in a fit of rage, which I guess MTV doesn't consider domestic violence, so...okay?) — calls his dad for some fatherly advice. Ronnie's father offers to "come down tonight, bro," which is confusing because Ronnie is his son, not his brother, but you get the idea.
So Ronnie's dad makes the drive to the Jersey Shore to check up on his li'l juicehead. Sitting down for a traditional father-son chat (albeit one littered with bleeps and "bro"s, because that's how you do things on this show), Dad offers sage advice to his kid: "Wherever you go, there you are." Maya Angelou said that once, but she probably didn't have a slushie in front of her, which Ronnie's dad does. He also wears earrings, which, ironically, would probably look better on Maya Angelou, although Ronnie's dad is gorgeous.
DJ Pauly and Mike then bring home a children's bike, which lifts Ronnie's spirits. To balance out the emotions in the house, Snooki is being stood up by Nick (for whom she leaves about two dozen voice mails).
As it turns out, Nick found out that his friend's cousin was Gianni, the strangerman Snooki kicked out of bed at the top of the episode. So that's why Nick bailed — because he's standing up for his friend's cousin or something? The rules are so weird on the Jersey Shore.
Unfortunately, Vinny is still fixing the toilet, which we witnessed last week. But this time, he's got a garbage bag. "I just want to get the toilet bowl unclogged at this point," he says, which is a pretty clear sign that he won't be back next season unless he starts pulling somebody's hair, or at least contracts alcohol poisoning.
Luckily for Vinny's flickering Q factor, Snooki gets mad at him because of the double standards when it comes to sex between men and women. Vinny can bring home "grenades" (i.e. "ugly girls") as one-night stands, but she can't do the same thing with men? Turns out Vinny was just being protective of Snooki, and wants only the best for her in terms of the quality of the strangers with whom she has sex. Aww?
The gang then piles into an unmarked van and heads out to a club. While there, JWOWW is hit on by a male prostitute, who shouldn't be doing that, because he's friendly with JWOWW's beau, Roger, who is currently in Maine, which is not in New Jersey. Bad male prostitute! Bad bad bad!
Back at the house, Snooki creeps into Vinny's bed because he's "the best cuddle partner." (Take note, Gianni.) We're supposed to interpret this as some sort of romantic gesture on Snooki's part, because soft acoustic guitar starts to play in the background. But then audio shifts to dramatic orchestral strings, because Vinny DOESN'T WANT TO CUDDLE WITH SNOOKI, which is against the rules!
DJ Pauly: They should just smush and get it over with.
Vinny: I care about her too much to let her smash two nights [in a row].
Well, at least we know where allegiances lie. I think?
The next day, Ronnie gets on the phone with Sammi, who essentially plays the "Let's be friends" card. If you had a guy lunge at you after you danced with someone else, you'd probably want to change your Facebook status from "It's complicated" to "Avoiding pressing charges," too. But Ronnie won't accept that. He doesn't want to be friends with Sammi. She's his life, he says, to which she replies with awkward silence.
Self-proclaimed twin "meatballs" Snooki and Deena start sticking marshmallows onto objects around the house. Okay. The Situation is on the phone when the gruesome twosome decide to call a cab, so Mike offers to do it for them. Little do they realize that he's sillier than they are. Going above and beyond sticking marshmallows to stuff, Mike calls the cab, telling the car service that the destination is, in fact, Times Square, not some club called Jenks.
Mike lets DJ Pauly in on the joke. Inexplicably, he is carrying around a puppy. Again, this is just how things work on this show.
While in the back of the cab headed to Times Square and not Jenks, Snooki offers to show the cab driver her breasts. Little does she know, she's the one getting screwed!
DJ Pauly is starving, and he and the boys grow restless as they wait for Mike to prepare for dinner at Rivoli's. But Mike, like any other "28-year-old" with swirls shaved into the side of his head, takes his damn time. His vanity gets the best of him, and the fellas grow so impatient that they leave without him. JWOWW, seated in a bean bag with another dog (huh?), promises to fill Mike in on the details when he comes down the stairs in his prom dress.
JWOWW does, indeed, deliver the news that Mike's bros left without him, and although Mike isn't happy, he's still hungry, so he and Jenny pile into an SUV with the two dogs to go pick up some eats. But Mike ends up eating at the kitchen table all alone, although he pretends he's joined by his housemates because that's how you make $30,000 in less than an hour.
Sammi now feels "strong enough" to return to the Jersey Shore house, which I guess is what happens when you realize that domestic abuse is probably not the best foundation for a relationship (or if, say, a producer reminds you that you signed a very strict contract, and that they need more "drama" because marshmallows on the ceiling just ain't cutting it) (either/or).
The Meatballs realize they've been pranked, and Deena is pissed. In fact, she calls this "the last straw." To get Mike back, they stop at a gas station, pick up booze, and promise to get DRUNK. But then they just chug soda and decide somewhere along the way that Snooki "deserves" to get "banged" by Vinny. Who writes these rules?
The boys get back from dinner, and The Sitch is not happy. But the boys couldn't care less, because they are both suffering from food comas. (Good luck, broken toilet!) DJ Pauly and Mike exchange awkward jabs about fettuccine before Snooki and Deena return, either furious or ecstatic — it's hard to tell which (Snooki claims she almost had an anxiety attack), and even leaves Mike confused, claiming that the Meatballs "defy the laws of intelligence." Big words!!!
As the gang hang around the kitchen, Sammi pulls in. Everyone is thrown for a loop — especially Ronnie, who wordlessly makes a smoothie and removes himself to the porch, stunned. Let's hope the smoothie is worth it.
Here's the full episode if you missed it.