Mark Steel: Seven billion? That's not a problem
2011-11-02 00:00:01.0
The mistake that the pessimists make is in seeing each of us solely as consumers
Mark Steel: The price is always right (whatever it is)
2011-10-26 03:00:01.0
If prices go up, demand goes down. But not with university courses apparently
Mark Steel: If only we'd shopped around more
2011-10-19 00:00:01.0
Huhne will deal with electricity prices by saying he's hoping for a mild winter
Mark Steel: Stop the NHS prioritising parakeets
2011-10-12 00:00:01.0
The Housing Minister will say a local council built a town hall out of Wedgwood china
Mark Steel: Will we ever be rid of Tony Blair?
2011-09-28 00:00:01.0
Tony Blair keeps popping back to annoy us, doesn't he? Every few months, just as you think he's slid into history, he emerges getting paid a million pounds for something, like brokering an arms deal with Josef Fritzl and you realise we'll never be rid of him. At least in the past, leaders did their damage, then disappeared, but he'll never go. It's like finding out the next leader of the UN will be General Franco or that Emperor Hirohito is to be a judge on X Factor.
Mark Steel: Lost in the car insurance labyrinth
2011-09-21 00:00:01.0
To sense the irrational terrifying chaos that drives the modern economy you should get someone to drive into your parked car in the middle of the night. I went on this course yesterday and it's a splendid education. It begins with the relative calm of answering the door to see the police stood before you, an image that makes anyone decent think, "Bollocks, I must have been on CCTV", or "They can't STILL be after me for the poll tax".
Mark Steel: Bankers: eight billion years in jail should do it
2011-09-14 00:00:01.0
Instead of this pointless Vickers Report about how to sort out the banks, the investigation should have been carried out by Supernanny. She'd have sorted it.
Mark Steel: Welcome to the Wapping Experience
2011-09-07 00:00:01.0
As the Murdochs are selling off their plant at Wapping, it should be bought by English Heritage the way they do with other shut-down workplaces, and turned into "The News International Experience".
Mark Steel: When in doubt, blame red tape
2011-08-31 00:00:01.0
The problem, apparently, is red tape. It's stifling business and preventing growth, because red tape is evil, and you can no more argue in favour of red tape than say, "I don't wish to contribute to the fight against cancer as I think we should have more of it".
Mark Steel: Flogging is too good for them
2011-08-17 00:00:01.0
People who love to scream about stern discipline and National Service are having a fantastic time in post-riot Britain. My favourite was a man on a Radio 5 phone-in, who ended his rant by yelling, "I TELL you how little discipline there is. My son gets homework and he's allowed to do it ON HIS COMPUTER. We need to GET BACK to PENCIL and PAPER!" And you felt that if you suggested 'What about pen and paper?' he'd shriek "NO! NOT PEN, YOU BLOODY LIBERAL. PENCIL! They have to SHARPEN pencils, it teaches them DISCIPLINE!"
Mark Steel: Imagine the Bastille with BlackBerrys
2011-08-10 00:00:01.0
At least there's one way in which the police seem to be improving. If the recently deposed Inspector Yates was still in charge he'd have said, "I've had a look and can see no evidence there's been any riots, so there'll be no arrests."
Mark Steel: Alcohol can be a problem, as can doctors
2011-08-03 00:00:01.0
Britain is getting drunker than ever, apparently, with a government "consultation" expected to reveal the shocking statistic that, compared with 20 years ago, there are 80 per cent more documentaries or news items showing a clip of a girl in a short skirt being sick on a bench while a lad with no shirt makes a noise like a werewolf as he's thrown into a police van.
Mark Steel: Time to inflict pain on the terminally ill
2011-07-27 00:00:01.0
How do YOU suggest we cut the deficit then? You'll be asked this if you ever oppose a cost-cutting scheme, such as merging the sewer system with the library service or something. So here's one answer, we could pay a bit less to ATOS, a company that receives £100m a year from the Government for assessing who should be cut off from disability benefit.
Mark Steel: My guess is the cleaners are to blame
2011-07-20 00:00:01.0
This year's television drama awards must surely go to the news, whose current scriptwriters are outstanding. Next week Newsnight will end with James Murdoch being told his real dad isn't Rupert, it's Fidel Castro. Then the credits will roll and we'll all be desperate to see the next episode.
Mark Steel: How about a TV detective called Yates?
2011-07-13 00:00:01.0
Oh this is such fun. And every few hours it gets better, but always with an announcement there's "still worse to come", leaving us struggling to imagine what they might have done that's worse. Presumably by tomorrow it will turn out they planted a bug in Heather Mills's false leg and hacked into Stephen Hawking's voicebox.
