The task of doling out presents to the Calgary Flames wouldn't be anyone's idea of a jolly exercise this Yuletide. There's a decidedly shabby Billy Bob Thornton feel to the gift-giving - unfiltered cigarette dangling limply from cracked lips, bloodshot eyes, ratty red suit, bottle of scotch at the ready and a blowsy blonde perched on your lap.

Bad team. Bad Santa.

Suffice to say, there's not much ho-ho-hope around the ol' Scotiabank Saddledome (also known as the Island of Misfit Toys) these days. As the dithering continues and everyone inside the organization waits on tenterhooks to see who ultimately takes the rap for leaving the eggnog out to spoil, the tension's topped up enough to make someone go berserk and trash a Christmas tree.

Even in the midst of this peace-on-earth/goodwill-to-men season, unrest bordering on revolution with the big team in this town is very definitely on the boil. With whatever post-season aspirations remain regressing further and further into the distance, there hasn't been this degree of Christmas Eve panic since uncle Billy left the Bailey Building and Loan's $8,000 in the rolled up newspaper for Mr. Potter to steal at the Bedford Falls bank.

It ain't a pretty sight.

Still, nobody should go without a gift during the holiday season. No matter how noxious or naughty they've been since October. Trouble is, what can cranky old Bad Santa pull out of his sack for a bunch of salary cap-maxed guys able to afford just about anything their little hearts desire?

Leaving out the two newest recruits, Anton Babchuk and Tom Kostopoulos (it's up to the mall St. Nick in Raleigh, N.C., to handle that chore), and factoring in a few of the notable non-playing participants in the Calgary Flames' increasingly-stale ongoing melodrama, here's at least a reasonable stab:

- Goaltender Miikka Kiprusoff: A Stanley Cup moment. Since it can't be here, then somewhere else.

- Goaltender Henrik Karlsson: A miniumum of 10 starts, which would make him the "busiest" - for want of a better word - relief pitcher since the silent Finn took iron-clad possession of the starting job here seven years ago.

- Defenceman Mark Giordano: All-Star Game consideration/consolation.

- Defenceman Robyn Regehr: The best fishing hole in northern Saskatchewan.

- Defenceman Steve Staios: A healed shoulder.

- Defenceman Jay Bouwmeester: Some small measure of edge to complement the ease.

- Defenceman Brendan Mikkelson: A ticket to Abbotsford, for his own developmental good.

- Defenceman Adam Pardy: The key to the city of hometown Bonavista, Nfld. (pop. approximately 4,000).

- Defenceman Cory Sarich: A Sarchy Combo (Available only in Saskatoon - Papa Burger with cheese, onion rings, and a milkshake from A&W, then down the street to a McDonald's drive-thru for a Quarter-Pounder with cheese meal with a Diet Coke).

- Defenceman T.J. Brodie: Another look-see from the big club.

- Centre Craig Conroy: A graceful exit.

- Centre Daymond Langkow: A fulfilling, healthy life after official retirement.

- Centre Brendan Morrison: Applause, for bringing a quiet professionalism to a chaotic situation.

- Centre Matt Stajan: A couple of extra inches on the wall chart and an additional 25 pounds.

- Centre Olli Jokinen: Eyelids.

- Centre Mikael Backlund: An every-game spot in the lineup.

- Right wing Jarome Iginla: A Stanley Cup moment. Since it can't be here, then somewhere else (see Kiprusoff, above).

- Right wing Tim Jackman: A few more willing dance partners.

- Right wing David Moss: A rewind to the 2008-2009 season.

- Right wing Ales Kotalik: Two solid pins (and a goal or two would be welcome).

- Left wing Alex Tanguay: An 11th NHL season, wherever, in 2011-2012.

- Left wing Rene Bourque: An end to the lengthy scoring blackouts.

- Left wing Raitis Ivanans: The all-clear.

- Left wing Niklas Hagman: More bang for the buck.

- Left wing Curtis Glencross: A Shooter-Tutor.

- General manager Darryl Sutter: A media-proof flak jacket.

- President Ken King: (see Darryl Sutter, above).

- Assistant GM Jay Feaster: A promotion.

- Head coach Brent Sutter: A game to coach past April 9.

- Abbotsford Heat coach Jim Playfair: The Order of Canada.

- The Fan 960 broadcasters Peter Maher and Mike Rogers: Something, anything, to talk about after the Feb. 20th Heritage Classic outdoor tilt against the Montreal Canadiens at McMahon Stadium has come and gone.

- Prospect Ryan Howse: A vastly different landscape upon arrival than exists here now.

- Co-Owner Harley Hotchkiss: Good health.

- Season-ticket renewal salespeople: Our condolences.

- The local fan base: An ownership attentive to their very legitmate, increasingly-amplified concerns.

- The organization: A stick of dynamite and the courage to light it.

George Johnson is the Herald's sports columnist. E-mail him at gjohnson@calgaryherald.com