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Email a FriendI have a somewhat related question. I am not a Catholic at this time but my fiance is. We are getting married in a Catholic ceremony early next year. Our engagement and the whole process of getting married in the Catholic church has been really joyful and has brought me and my fiance so much closer together. We are now intending to practice Natural Family Planning and decided to completely abstain from further premarital relations after attending the pre cana program. My fiance has started going to mass again and I attend with him sometimes and we have been praying together before meals, etc. I am also (very tentatively) considering converting to Catholicism and am starting to feel closer to God. I feel like I’m experiencing a wonderful transformation both personally and with my fiance but I just don’t feel like I can share all this with my parents, who are nominally protestant, but are very skeptical of Catholicism. Even though they really like my fiance, they have expressed concern that he is somehow “changing” me and insinuate that I don’t have my own mind anymore. Which certainly isn’t true, but the real problem is that it is distancing me from my parents—I feel myself holding back and not telling them about certain aspects of my life. I haven’t even made up my own mind completely about the Catholic church’s teachings so I wonder if I should just avoid talking about this aspect of our lives with them to avoid conflict? I was always so open with them before about every aspect of my life so it’s troubling that things have changed since I have become more conservative in my beliefs. Thank you so much for any thoughts you may have.
'My Parents Think We Have Too Many Kids'
Posted by Fr. John Bartunek, LC in Faith on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 10:00 AM
Q: My parents don’t share our faith. In fact, they think we’re crazy to be expecting our 5th child right now. They are not shy about voicing their opinions in our presence, and it is beginning to upset me that they do so in front of our children. I love my parents and want to respect them, but how can I respectfully get them to back off?
A: This is a challenging situation, but it is also an opportunity. Your witness of being open to life is already affecting your parents. Their words may be caustic and disapproving, but that means they are watching and thinking about your choices. How you respond to their criticism can strengthen, or weaken, the force of your witness.
On the one hand, you have to be realistic. You have to accept the cold, hard fact that you cannot dictate your parents’ behavior. No matter what you do, their vocal criticisms may continue. They may never back off. If this proves to be the case, be careful of two things.
First, you and your husband will have to make the effort and take the time to undo the confusion that those criticisms may stir up in your children’s minds. You will have to explain simply, clearly, and charitably that the grandparents don’t fully understand God’s plan for family life, and so they need constant prayers and love. You will also have to continually explain, in age appropriate language, the Church’s teaching on the beauty of life and of the love that builds families. As your children grow older and begin thinking for themselves, these explanations will probably take the form of conversations in which you ask your children what they think and feel about the criticisms they hear, and in which you help them see for themselves the Church’s vision.
On the other hand, it is perfectly reasonable and loving to express your concerns to your parents. This should be done, however, not during the immediate aftermath of a blow-up or conflict, when you are full of wrath or frustration. Rather, it would be better to find a time and place in which you can talk calmly about your concern, just with your parents, or with one at a time. They may not understand fully how much this upsets you; they may think they are just having fun by making their jokes. A calm, non-defensive explanation of how deeply this issue touches your faith and your vision of life’s meaning may help them become more respectful and sensitive. It may also make them rethink their own position.
But, no matter how calmly and lovingly you explain your concern, they may simply not understand it, and continue their criticism. In that case, your persevering patience, as opposed to losing your temper or repaying their insensitive comments with snide comments of your own, will be a concrete way to show them that your faith is real. As St Paul put it, “Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good” (Romans 12:21).
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Comments
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anonymous,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. If you think you may be interested in joining the Catholic church, can you get your hands on some good books? Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn is amazing! I would also like you to pray to the Holy Spirit. Ask the Spirit to fill you with the Truth. I did this several years ago, when I thought I was a “good” Catholic, and it was ok for us to keep using birth control and abortion and homosexuality were fine for other people. I prayed to the Holy Spirit and it changed my life forever. Goodbye birth control, hello NFP, and hello to almost 4 more children. (I am preg. with #7) You need to pray to the Holy Spirit for a change of heart for your parents as well. They may never convert to Catholicism, but maybe they will soften towards your decisions, IF they see it is based on truth and prayer and not from your fiancee “pressuring” you into it. My father was non practicing and my mother disliked the church. 9 years ago, she joined the church, their marriage was blessed, and she is now a Eucharistic minister!! God is so good and He can do anything!! Just keep on praying. Good luck and God bless.
@anonymous above- BLESS your heart for posting here! How wonderful that you are soon to be married- what an exciting time for you! See how much God loves you that He is giving you so many graces as you prepare and respond so openly to Him in entering in to your vocation to marriage! And I applaud your courage in accepting the standards of a holy Catholic marriage regarding the expression of marital unity in your intimate life. I am sure the Lord will mightily bless you for this deference and obedience. It sounds like you have a really great relationship with your folks- and that is a huge benefit. Any major change in your life will be a major change for them as well, and these are always points of growth. I think that if they realize how constant your love and respect for them remains; and if you feel you can share with them lovingly, respectfully, and openly what you think and how you feel about what you are experiencing then I think you should talk about whatever you would normally talk about with them. But if you think they are hurting and that some things add to that challenge for them right now, then take what is in your heart to God in prayer and He will help you find the best means to maintain all of these really significant relationships at this exquisite time in your personal development. Time, love, and constancy- and in the Catholic life- grace- will help.
I will pray for you as you discern your path regarding becoming Catholic! (I am a convert and I have to tell you that of all that I have done or experienced in 45 years- with 26 yrs. of married life and 13 children- having lived and travelled in over ten countries and I think as many states, following Jesus Christ into the Roman Catholic Church is far and away the defining element of my existence. Becoming a Roman Catholic was the best, most sublime and fulfilling life decision I have ever made!)
When my husband converted to Catholicism it was kind of a big deal in the family. Our story is very similar, only switched between us. I loved my Catholic faith, but had fallen away during the college years. My husband’s curiosity (before we were engaged) reminded me of what I missed so much. He knew I would never leave the Catholic Church and wondered why I was so stubborn about that and why it meant so much to me, so he went to RCIA to learn more about this thing that was so important to me. You should definitely go to RCIA. You can even go in there and let them know that you don’t know if you want to convert or not- you just want to learn more. That’s perfectly okay to do! So 2 things:
1. My cousin’s husband goes to church with the family ever Sunday and their girls are in Sunday School (Catholic Church). He “practices” the faith, but has never committed. His girls are learning but he won’t. I think it’s sad. Not only is he just sitting there pretending, but he’s also robbing himself of being able to receive the Blessed Sacrament. I’ve just always felt that if he’s going to sit in church every Sunday, he should at least know what he is sitting there being a part of. The Catholic church, the history, the faith, the traditions, the sacraments- it’s all way more than anyone could ever take in by just sitting at mass for an hour each week. And they are all worth it.
2. My husband’s family got over it. His stepmom stopped making comments about “having to convert me from that Catholic faith,” his mom became delighted by the faith that her son had, and his grandpa who is a Presbyterian Minister has said the nicest things of all.—Because in the end, what is important is that we have faith and we go to church and are active in our church. We are all Christian. As it turns out- his grandpa is very proud of my husband and our faith as a couple. He tells me often. I was scared of the first time talking with him, but he saw the faith alive in me and the love that I have for God as the bottom line and was impressed by my knowledge of Catholicism and ability to explain things that in his 60+ years as a minister, he never understood about the Catholic church. He’s never going to be Catholic—But my perseverence and my husband’s show of faith, gave his grandpa respect for the Catholic faith that I don’t know he had ever had before.
Catholicism wasn’t fondly thought of for most of his family, but now- His step-mom (and dad) attends fundraisers that we have with our HS youth group, his mom has learned that she can talk to her son about faith on a level that she never could before, his grandpa talks to us about God often. We even had his grandpa (in his full minister vestments as he wanted) read the second scripture reading at our wedding. We had a full mass and they were all amazed by it.
I hope that whatever you decide, you at least educate yourself on the faith more. Go see a priest and just sit in his office and pick his brain for an hour. He won’t mind! I will pray that your parents see that the most important thing is your love for God and that no matter how much they dislike Catholicism, you at least have faith. 
Hi, it’s me again who wrote the first comment. Thank you all for your advice. I will definitely take up your suggestions. I’ve been thinking about doign RCIA for a while and I think I’ll just take the plunge and go for it. I really enjoy reading this site. Thanks!
As a mom of twelve, I can so relate to dealing with the naysayers. All I can tell you is that now, some of those people have come back and told us how much they now envy us for our family and all the loving interactions our family gatherings provide. I can only encourage you to feel confident in the love you have for your children and God, and all will be well. You have been given great advice on how to deal with your parents. Congratulations on number five.
Oh wow-alot here! About the non-supportive parents- we have been through that, my husband and I and half of our children are converts. My folks are very ‘live and let live’ but his did not understand for a long time because we made really radical choices to become Catholic and then to live our Catholic life, (we have 13 kids). I think there are a few things to keep in mind that might help with some of the heartache that the disapproving comments might inflict. Often our parents are genuinely worried about us, and about the demands raising children present in the immediate present and in the future. When they do not have the mindset of confidence in Christ and the gift and reward that He promises children are for us, then they just cannot see things the same way- it is as if they do not have the ability to understand, not so much that they are unwilling to. That helps with cultivating patience with them, I think. Also, sometimes they resent the added responsibility they feel for us and for additional children we bear- go figure! (It’s a parent thing!) Really, I can tell you from experience that if your folks love you they will grow through the challenges your family is to their mindset, and they will draw closer to Jesus as you pray and sacrifice for them- and oftentimes the kids will be the really clincher in the deal. When baby number eight looks just like your mom or dad and has their initials and just loves on them so sweetly- their hearts melt. It’s just a matter of time…you have the ace in the hole there in your Catholic faith. When that one kid who just shines gives his or her heart to Jesus in a vocation to the religious life- again it really impacts the grands. (They cannot escape the vortex of grace!) In the meantime, it might be wise to keep the more challenging aspects of parenting a larger Catholic family to yourselves if it just feeds fuel for confusion to them. (Or you might try having a big family picnic where you invite like six other families with more kids than you have when your folks visit again…they will see that you are very normal for the path you have chosen and that will give them a reference point and maybe distract them some! Shrug or joke it off if you can- most of the misunderstanding is because they do not have the same gift of faith that you have, but your life in Christ (even if it is ‘imperfect’!) will be that very powerful preaching St. Francis mentioned that we should always be about!
Do your best to explain as Father suggests but don’t beat yourselves up if occasionally sparks fly. We older types with grown married kids are foolish sometimes because we never caught on that our decision-making days for our kids is over and that our opinions are best kept to ourselves unless asked. You are in a bad spot because of it being your parents and they are not exercising common sense about shutting up. No offense but I can speak as one of “them” and tell you they are out of place. Keep that in your heart, be Christ for them and do not let them be more disruptive than possible. Besides, you can, if needed, agree completely and ask which of the kids they will be taking off your hands. Sorry about that last bit. I wonder, Father, if you are available for confession right about now.
Thanks door that Mark, because when I recently confided in my Mom that I wasn’t up for a big family gathering for Mother’s Day b/c I was suffering from a miscarriage of baby #5,and didn’t have the energy to run around after my other four, she (my mother, a Catholic who sent me to Catholic schools and goes to Mass every week), yelled at me and told me I was irresponsible for not using birth control and I had too many kids already. I then asked her which of her four grandchildren she thought I shouldn’t have had. Not my best moment, I guess we are all susceptible to such outbursts, thank God for Confession!
Ask them which child would they like you to eliminate? This will help drive home that they are all human beings and that if God has asked this of your family then that is what you will do! I am a mother of 5 myself and we get the same reaction “You are pregnant, AGAIN??” So I will keep you in my prayers!! God Bless!
I actually had my mom, a lifelong practicing Catholic, call and, in a backhand way, suggest that I abort my sixth child as she worried about me and how I could raise them, homeschool them, etc. From that point on, I realized that it was me, my husband and my kids first, and my parents second. It is your life, and you are living the right way - others are in the wrong or are confused about your choices. And by the way, as your brood grows, you might be surprised to hear/find out that your parents are indeed proud of you and your family…
My perspective might be different but may be helpful to give the whole picture of some situations. After my youngest was born I was very sick for over a year and could not take care of my kids or my family. Because of this we needed to move in with my in laws and my mother and father in law graciously helped me, my husband and my kids. They have never said a mean word or comment about the spacing or number of children we have. They have offered concern over my health. Given that the illness I battled would likely reoccur we need to consider our in laws capabilites and needs or consider hiring a live in nanny should we conceive another child. We can not keep expecting them to step in like that—they are older and have limitations. Some couples have serious marital, physical and financial problems that only family close enough to them may know. Their comments may come from genuine concern over your well being and that of future children. I know that some groups within the church promote having more kids no matter what—I think it is wise to use prudence.
When a marriage is broken or older kids in the family are broken or there is financial ruin (like you are losing your home) or long term dependance on the govenment because you can not financially support the kids you have family members close to you may suggest spacing your kids or postponing another pregnancy until you can get on your feet. Sometimes God performs miracles in these situations and sometimes he wants us to use practical wisdom and work to make changes so that future kids are brought into a stable environment.
So all in all, family members need to be careful but a mere suggestion of limiting family size to take care of serious situations may not be welcome but may be good advice. (In no way do I advocate abortion for little ones conceived!! I’m talking about thinking ahead before conception and yes there can be surprises) If your family can not understand your faith then do not place any expectations on them—they are not able to understand.
There are many good responses here. I had one thought about the parent’s criticism of family size. I would politely and firmly request that no such comments be made in front of the children. We have a similar situation with other family members. I am a big girl, my husband and I make these decisions, and if other family members don’t like them, that’s fine with me. But, I do not want my children to hear those comments, unless said family members want to explain to the kids which one(s) they would rather had not been born.
Coming late to this conversation, but I have been really wanting advice on this for a long time. What do you do if the criticism goes a lot beyond just griping about how many kids you have, to constantly trying to undermine your children’s faith? My MIL is a bitter ex-Catholic who hates the Church, and cannot accept her son’s conversion or our children being raised Catholic. We have such strained relations with her that our visits are very infrequent (less than once a year), and I would like to make it better, but she says stuff very loudly in front of the kids like, “just keep your boys away from priests,” and “you don’t let them serve mass, do you?” Lately, she has been been telling our oldest son, “I know your Mom is Catholic, but don’t forget you have Muslim heritage.” She is also extremely pro-abortion and anti-large family, and so the comments about us having so many kids are usually very vitriolic and center around how unfair we are being to the kids by having so many, and how unfit we are as parents. Example: “your Mom and Dad are terrible - they don’t take care of you, do they?” There is just so much more - I could go on and on.
I guess my question is, basically, are there situations where the rhetoric and interference are so extreme that you have to protect your children and family by severely limiting contact? And, if so, does our case seem to be such a situation? I have long felt like it is, but have a lot of guilt about the horrible relations we have with her (and that whole side of the family, partly as a result). We have planned a trip to visit her for a week this fall, so I am very worried about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My main piece of advice is to have someplace to escape to (say a motel room). Sometimes
In general terms (not necessarily referring to this situation) our duty to protect ourself and our children can sometimes mean having to love adult family at a distance. Verbal as well as physical abuse can certainly reach this point, particularly hurtful commentary towards children who don’t have defenses against it.
On a more personal note, if being close leads to increased anger and vitrol then it hardly seems worth it. Sometimes it really doesn’t seem as if the person in question is better off or happier with closer contact.
Yes, there are situations where limiting contact is the best thing to do, and yes, it sounds like this is one of them.
We had similar problems with my grandmother when I was growing up. Sometimes she was fine and kept her comments to a smirk and a mutter, but sometimes she was downright nasty. On more than one occasion, my parents packed us up and we left. She was not allowed to see us again until she apologized to my parents and promised to mend her ways (or at least her tongue). It would usually improve for a year or more before starting up again. I’m very grateful my parents protected us from her bigotry.
You not only have the right but the grave responsibility to protect your children, even if it means they won’t be as close to their grandma as you’d hope.
I don’t blame you for being worried about your proposed visit to your MIL. Someone recently pointed out what Jesus said about a particular demon that the apostles were not able to drive out—only prayer and fasting work on that one. I would gather your prayer partners together, as many as you can, and ask for them to pray and fast for your MIL before your trip.
When my MIL was attacking me (it was more personal and less about my faith, but that was included now and then), I never said anything to her that was less than loving and respectful. If it was really vitriolic, I would wait her out, then simply walk away. I never wanted to come between her and my husband or our children, who are all adopted (4). However, she never had the nerve to speak directly to my childen about me (although she did to my neices). I simply gave witness through my words and actions, to my Catholic faith and my love of Christ.
In all honesty, it took years, and there was never any apology spoken, or implied. She just gradually started treating me better. Our children are now 23, 20, 15, & 10—and we even were foster parents for seven years in between the first two adoptions and the second two! (That was part of the ranting!)
Remember this is a journey for all of you. Yes, it is important to not expose yourself to evil, but she needs your prayers and your love. In the end your witness may be her salvation. God bless you and protect you.
Your first responsibility is to your children and to protect their faith. A relationship with their grandmother is secondary to that. Don’t feel guilty when it’s not your fault that the relationship is strained. She is not treating your family with respect. Don’t write her off of course, pray for her. But the boundaries are essential.
I grew up with my Catholic mom belittling and being verbally abusive to my protestant grandmother because our faith was “superior” to hers. Yet my grandmother did not make rude comments about our family size or the spacing (my brother and I are irsh twins) or our Catholic faith despite seeing some pretty disturbing things in our family—she tried to stay out of it but it would have been good at times to have a family member give some wise advice. It was my protestant grandmother that reflected to me a genuine relationship with God. She was always sad that my mom and dad did not tell her that he was converting (to the Catholic Church) but did it behind her back.
Most of you seem to be in situations where your Catholic identity is challenged and some of the situations sounds so difficult—I can’t imagine a family member saying those things. I been at the opposite end where it was the Catholics belittling everyone else so I am very careful in my own life about the way I speak about non-Catholic christians with my kids. Also, I hear from both sides of the large families and small families and am sad when anyone is scrutinized because of their family size whether it is 1 child or a dozen. I get confused when the large families are upset by society’s scrutiny of their family and then they turn around and belittle the size of someone else’s family. (I’m not referring to posters in this subject just a general observation that I think is important for us to be aware of)
Ironically in later years when I was discerning a vocation to religious life it was my Catholic mom who was not supportive in it.
I’m praying we can all figure out the balance we need with our families and that we can say the things that God wants us to say.
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