Special Report: Silent No More. My Story of Why I Regret My Abortion
We grieved together, some for the first time, for our lost children
During Lent this year, I attended a Rachel's Vineyard post abortion healing retreat in Corpus Christi, Texas. A loving and compassionate team of women led me and several other women on an incredible 3-day journey of healing and reconciliation. I wept tears that felt so fresh but so very old. At that moment, I knew that there were not millions of motherless babies in Heaven but that all of the aborted babies were with Our Blessed Mother.
I believe there are many women and men living with the same pain as I did. They deserve to know that help is available for them to find peace and healing.
PrintROCKPORT, TX (Catholic Online) - I was in my early 20's and abortion had just become legal. It was not as socially acceptable then as it is now. Finding a doctor who would perform the procedure was difficult. I was newly married and we had a 2-year-old daughter. I had no good reason to not want my second child. I was selfish and prideful. I had been away from my Catholic faith for many years.
I felt the consequences of my abortion even before I climbed up on the abortionist's table. Days before the abortion, I closed within my heart any of the natural maternal emotions I had for my baby. I denied that the child in my womb was human, or really even mine. Many women remember the day and month they aborted their baby. I, however, erased the date from my mind even before the doctor took my child's life. Before my baby died, it had never existed. How could I love or miss someone who never was? After the procedure, my heart and soul were plunged into darkness.
By rejecting the love God wanted to give me through my child, I ultimately closed myself off from receiving or giving love. By extinguishing God's gift of life, I destroyed any semblance of peace and natural love in my heart. All my relationships became void of any meaningful connection. I struggled with feelings of isolation and coldness. I pulled away from our only daughter who was 2 years old at the time. I felt no longer able to give her a mother's love. I know now that my turning away from her at such a tender age hurt her profoundly. Abortion is not a solitary act. When I chose abortion, I chose also to hurt my entire family. My daughter did not understand why her Mommy did not love her anymore. In a fit of depression, I chose sterilization for myself a few years later.
Father Frank Pavone of Priests for Life once said that you could not destroy the child without destroying the mother. The shame and the guilt would remain locked in my heart I thought forever. I believed that I did not have the right to grieve because I had voluntarily chosen to end the life of something that was a part of me. It was easier to become numb because I thought it would not hurt me if I could stay away from the memory.
In the years that followed, there began to grow in my heart a deep longing for wholeness and belonging. Even within my family, I felt isolated and unable to connect emotionally. I became aware that God was gently leading me back to Himself. However, the idea that I needed spiritual healing never entered my mind. The identity of my baby remained a faint shadow in the recesses of my memory.
My husband and I eventually returned to the Catholic Church and at one of the Masses, I heard a homily about doing volunteer work at crisis pregnancy centers. I began working as a Birthright volunteer. It was my way of dealing with my feelings of guilt and shame that were beginning to surface. I genuinely tried to help other women choose life for themselves and their babies. I believe my initial healing began then.
When our daughter was a senior in high school, she became pregnant. Her Dad and I told her we would help her with whatever she decided. We offered to help her give the child up for adoption or help her raise the baby so she could go on to college. The only option not up for discussion was abortion.
I confessed to her that I had killed her brother or sister and that I did not want her to suffer as I had. I could not change her mind. I sadly recognized the stubbornness and lack of moral direction in our daughter that I had when I was younger. I recalled a passage from the Old Testament that reads, "The sins of the fathers will be visited on the sons." I felt responsible for this abortion also.
The night before her abortion, I begged God for forgiveness for the first time for my abortion. I prayed that night for my baby and the grandchild I thought I would never see.
During the abortion procedure, God did indeed rest His loving hand on my daughter and her baby. As the abortionist inserted his killing tool into the womb of my daughter, our loving God prevented him from touching the baby. There is no earthly explanation as to why the doctor missed the baby. He was not even aware that he had. The Planned Parenthood center in Houston, Texas wrote in her medical records that the abortion was complete. The miracle was not discovered until a month later when my daughter found out she was still pregnant. My granddaughter survived a first trimester abortion.
In the days that followed, we saw our little granddaughter on an ultrasound and heard her heartbeat. The technician knew who was responsible for the botched abortion attempt and with tears in her eyes she said, "This little one is meant to be." Our daughter's due date was December 25.
When our granddaughter was born, we as a family experienced the ...
I felt the consequences of my abortion even before I climbed up on the abortionist's table. Days before the abortion, I closed within my heart any of the natural maternal emotions I had for my baby. I denied that the child in my womb was human, or really even mine. Many women remember the day and month they aborted their baby. I, however, erased the date from my mind even before the doctor took my child's life. Before my baby died, it had never existed. How could I love or miss someone who never was? After the procedure, my heart and soul were plunged into darkness.
By rejecting the love God wanted to give me through my child, I ultimately closed myself off from receiving or giving love. By extinguishing God's gift of life, I destroyed any semblance of peace and natural love in my heart. All my relationships became void of any meaningful connection. I struggled with feelings of isolation and coldness. I pulled away from our only daughter who was 2 years old at the time. I felt no longer able to give her a mother's love. I know now that my turning away from her at such a tender age hurt her profoundly. Abortion is not a solitary act. When I chose abortion, I chose also to hurt my entire family. My daughter did not understand why her Mommy did not love her anymore. In a fit of depression, I chose sterilization for myself a few years later.
Father Frank Pavone of Priests for Life once said that you could not destroy the child without destroying the mother. The shame and the guilt would remain locked in my heart I thought forever. I believed that I did not have the right to grieve because I had voluntarily chosen to end the life of something that was a part of me. It was easier to become numb because I thought it would not hurt me if I could stay away from the memory.
In the years that followed, there began to grow in my heart a deep longing for wholeness and belonging. Even within my family, I felt isolated and unable to connect emotionally. I became aware that God was gently leading me back to Himself. However, the idea that I needed spiritual healing never entered my mind. The identity of my baby remained a faint shadow in the recesses of my memory.
My husband and I eventually returned to the Catholic Church and at one of the Masses, I heard a homily about doing volunteer work at crisis pregnancy centers. I began working as a Birthright volunteer. It was my way of dealing with my feelings of guilt and shame that were beginning to surface. I genuinely tried to help other women choose life for themselves and their babies. I believe my initial healing began then.
When our daughter was a senior in high school, she became pregnant. Her Dad and I told her we would help her with whatever she decided. We offered to help her give the child up for adoption or help her raise the baby so she could go on to college. The only option not up for discussion was abortion.
I confessed to her that I had killed her brother or sister and that I did not want her to suffer as I had. I could not change her mind. I sadly recognized the stubbornness and lack of moral direction in our daughter that I had when I was younger. I recalled a passage from the Old Testament that reads, "The sins of the fathers will be visited on the sons." I felt responsible for this abortion also.
The night before her abortion, I begged God for forgiveness for the first time for my abortion. I prayed that night for my baby and the grandchild I thought I would never see.
During the abortion procedure, God did indeed rest His loving hand on my daughter and her baby. As the abortionist inserted his killing tool into the womb of my daughter, our loving God prevented him from touching the baby. There is no earthly explanation as to why the doctor missed the baby. He was not even aware that he had. The Planned Parenthood center in Houston, Texas wrote in her medical records that the abortion was complete. The miracle was not discovered until a month later when my daughter found out she was still pregnant. My granddaughter survived a first trimester abortion.
In the days that followed, we saw our little granddaughter on an ultrasound and heard her heartbeat. The technician knew who was responsible for the botched abortion attempt and with tears in her eyes she said, "This little one is meant to be." Our daughter's due date was December 25.
When our granddaughter was born, we as a family experienced the ...
Rate This Article
14 Comments
Leave a Comment
More Marriage & Family News
- Special Report: Silent No More. My Story of Why I Regret My Abortion
- Teenage birthrates the highest in the American south
- Catholic Action: Defend Marriage, Family, Archbishop Nienstedt, Common Good
- Pope Benedict: Family is the Little Church Where we Learn Meaning of Life
- The Family: Work and Rest: Pope Issues Letter Urging Balance in Family Life
- Archbishop John Nienstedt: Episcopal Courage in Defending Marriage and Family
- Children from divorced homes must work on their marriages
- Ode to Frank Sheed: A 'Secular' (Natural Law) Defense of Marriage
- The Case For Marriage: National Review Article Makes A Strong One
Featured News
- 'We Struggle Not Against Flesh and Blood': Catholic Online, Victim of a Cyber Attack
- Death Threats Made Against Brazilian Bishops for Urging Catholics to Vote Pro-Life
- Guantanamo inmate pleads guilty in death of U.S. soldier
- Al-Qaeda spokesman calls for attacks in the United States
- Opinion: Leaders or Scoundrels? 2010 Election Could Change Everything
- Catholic Action: Voting the Catholic Conscience
- Catholic League's Bill Donahue on National Public Radio's Double Standard: Muslims Matter, Catholics Do Not?
- Role of Al-Qaeda in Iraq questioned by experts
- One Human Family: Popes Message for World Day of Migrants and Refugees Released
Video »
Newsletter Sign Up »
Daily Readings »
Reading 1, Eph 6:1-9
Children, be obedient to your parents in the Lord -- that is what uprightness demands. The first commandment that has ... Read all
Gospel, Lk 13:22-30
Through towns and villages he went teaching, making his way to Jerusalem. Someone said to him, 'Sir, will there be ... Read all
Most Popular »
Featured Book
The 5 Love Languages
Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? ... Featured Product
Life Size Nativity Scene 15 Pc 54� Scale
Nativity Set with 15 figures in the 54" scale, these beautifully crafted Nativity figures are part of our Bay Designs Collection ... 
Private sector hit hard in struggling island natio
Cases reported in Haiti's Port-Au-Prince
Find Inspirational Gifts!
Former boy soldier admits to killing American
Smoking in midlife increases Alzheimer's risk
Share Your Christmas Ideas
African nation lacks sanitary water, sewer system
German group ranks nations by corruption
Experts say link was tenuous at best in Iraq
National debt goes to $5 trillion under Pelosi
Senatorial candidate accused of bribing voters
U.S.-born terrorist calls for attacks against west
Nevada voters find ballots already filled out
Saddam Hussein deputy Tariq Aziz to be hung
Common drug may aid in prostate cancer fight
What a wonderful story. I was given such hope in my prayers for the ending of abortion by Patricia's recounting of how Jesus answered her prayer to spare the life of her granddaughter when her own daughter went for an abortion. It's downright miraculous that the abortionist missed the baby and the baby lived. Iv'e prayed so long for the ending of abortion and was getting very tired and despondent by all the bad news about govrnment funding of abortion. This article was just what I needed to remember we are praying to the Lord of Life and Miracles and that "nothing is impossible to God." Thank you for running this article and I wonder if the post abortive women realize the great good they can do after their own conversion and healing. God bless them.
How dramatic! As if you are telling me and the rest of the world that, yes, abortion is a regretfull thing but there is hope,seek help and there will be people who will be on your side, that it's okay to have abortion because you are surrounded with people who will comfort you - a brood of murderers of innocent human beings whose life and or death and reasoning depend on the smart and bright thinking and philosophy of adults like you.
Great article sorry about your pain, but hopefully you'll prevent others from enduring such a trial.
Thank you for running this wonderful article and I wonder if the post abortive women realize the great good they can do after their own conversion and healing, “Speak up for those.." and God bless them.This story is just what we need to remember when we are praying to the Lord of Life and Miracles and the abortionist missed the baby and the baby lived because "nothing is impossible to God." We know that the global and liberal world would like have pregnant women believe that the unborn baby is only a “fetus” and is not a life! An unwanted ‘healthy’ baby is considered a fetus and/or embryo and most abortions are carried out on ‘healthy’ babies for social, selfish and economical reasons. It’s so convenient for the world to have abortions when they are told that this embryo or fetus is not “really” a human life. We understand that we as a Christian family also have a duty to “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves” (Proverbs 31). But now, with the passage of time we look back in horror at the permitted abortions and how precious human life has been devalued! I truly believe that when we will look back in the years to come, we will need to repent and to ask forgiveness for what society has allowed to happen to unborn children. Today, in our current liberal world the desire is to play “God” in our embryology experimentation which promises “false freedom” to women who are pregnant. Sadly, pregnant women and their doctor’s decision to abort or kill their unwanted children is justified as “Pro Choice.” It is placed higher than the sanctity and value of human life. REMEMBER that: Each “mother” and “father” that has agreed to an abortion is a murderer. Each doctor and nurse who has participated in abortions is guilty of murder! Truth is Truth.
I'm very glad that you have had a "Conversion of Heart!" I used to be very angry with the Abortion Doctors, then the Holy Spirit found me and told me that it's the 'Woman's Heart' that needed changing, that the Abortion Doctors (Although Evil) were not the cause of Abortion! A Woman's Heart was and is the Cause of Abortion! How different a Circumstance these women with Hardened hearts find themselves in compared to our Blessed Mother! She was also a very young woman when she consented: "Let it be done unto me according to Your will!" I pray and hope that all women who have had an Abortion find God's Forgiveness, and those women who are considering Abortion as an 'option', find the Holy Spirit! Thank you for sharing this Trial in your life! You baby is Safe in Heaven! Our fate is still unknown, although I hope, pray, and strive to be worthy of Him!
Myriam, I think you missed her message! Re-Read it, in the Light of the Word!
Myriam, I think you missed her message! Re-Read it, in the Light of the Word!
YOU ARE SO BRAVE TO TELL YOUR STORY. EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRAGEDY OF ABORTION. THE MEDIA WILL NOT TELL THE STORY. LAST NIGHT, MY DAUGHTER WHO IS A NURSE SHOCKED ME WITH STORIES OF THE MANY WOMEN SHE HAS TREATED IN HER HOSPITAL (WHICH DOES NOT DO ABORTINS) FOR BOTCHED ABORTIONS--MAINLY, SEVERE BLEEDING. I HAD NO IDEA! THE NEWS NEEDS TO GET OUT! ABORTION IS EVIL ON ALL LEVELS, MENTALLY, PHYSICALLLY AND SPIRITUALLY.
Art Genova- I must disagree. I view the abortion industry itself as a greedy institution. PP is a multi million dollar company, driven by greed. Money drives them, not compassion for women. I have known girls that walked in, and were talked into aborting, when they were not sure. I had a friend that was forced in by her parents. The "doctor" even knew she did not want to abort, and went ahead anyways. PP also "educates" our young. They push for birth control "education". When the B.C. fails, they are there waiting to solve you problems for you. Win/win for them. I myself attended a very liberal s-x ed. when I was in school. They make sure you know how to take pills, and where all the local birth control clinics are. When the birth control fails, the schools make sure you know where the local PP clinics are, and how to contact them. Abstinence was not mentioned. Needless to say, my old neighborhood in Minneapolis had a very high rate of unintended pregnancies, and STDs. Despite what the liberals say about the benefits of liberal s-x ed, the kids I knew who were taught personal responsibility instead, found themselves in trouble a lot less often. The doctors are not uneducated. They know they are murdering children. Many of the abortion supporters do not fully realise this. The former director of PP (Abby Johnson) was as pro choice as you can get - until she actually watched a procedure. She has since quit. She said her superiors were "pushing clinics that did have an abortion program to bring in more money." Now, she had never seen an abortion. Upon witnessing one, she had a change of heart. The doctors see them everyday, and continue their gruesome deeds. Yes, I believe they are most at fault. I pity the mothers who have emotional or physical problems afterward. I have seen many friends go through this myself. Yes, the heart of the mother needs changing. I agree with that. But, when people grow up being taught that this is alright, that premarital relations are just fine, and values are archaic, this is what happens. When society actually believes that churches are irrelevant, and hateful, but PP does a great service to the community, this is what we get. Sorry this is so long! I am going to sleep now...
Myriam We are ALL sinners in need of Gods mercy. There is more then one way to kill a person. One is making people believe there is no mercy. Christ came into this world to call sinners no matter what the sin. He longs for all sous to come to Him. Patricia never said abortion was ok because "people would surround and comfort you". She courageously spoke of her grave sin and return to Christ. By the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world...
I think sometimes we forget that sin is sin. Mortal sin is mortal regardless of what that sin is. I cried reading this story. Not only is it a testament of God's love, mercy and healing for women and men who commit this sin- but for all of us who turn away from the love life and plan of God. I have not had or performed an abortion. But my past sins have been every bit as destructive to the plan God has. And His love mercy and healing is powerful.
ref: Art Genova- I must disagree. I view the abortion industry itself as a greedy institution. I stated that the Woman's Heart is the True issue here. I also stated that the Abortion Doctors are Evil. Here in Massachusetts, Abortion Doctors are required by Law to perform an Ultra-Sound on the Pregnant Woman, to prove that it is in fact a baby they are going to kill and not a Cancerous tumor, or a rock, or a palm tree. Then they patently refuse to show the Ultra-Sound to the Woman! Patently Refuse! Most Woman would run out the door! Bill Clinton Infamously stated in 1993, I believe, that Abortion should be Safe, Legal, and Rare! And, it is Never 'Safe' for the Baby, it shouldn't be Legal, and with 1.2 Million Abortions and 5.4 Million Live Births, American Women are currently Killing 22% of their babies in the Womb, not counting RU486, or the IUD! Planned Parenthood is an Evil Institution, however, they are not the CAUSE of Abortion, a Woman's Hardened heart is!
I admire the courage of this woman bringing her story to the open. I'm pretty sure she expected some women's eye brows raised and negative comments. But this is a humble acceptance of the mistake committed and a inspiration of hope and forgiveness. May others who are planning to do abortion be enlightened by her confession. I salute you Ma'am and GOD BLESS!
Read what the Obama Administration has planned for Pro-Life Groups here: http://www.lifenews.com/2010/09/30/nat-6740/ ..and here: http://www.thenewamerican.com/index.php/culture/family/4986-obama-adm-targets-pro-life-activists-as-terrorists You could be classified as a "terrorist" for your beliefs and associations, George Orwell's "1984" nightmare.