As this endless summer drifts endlessly on, the typical Montrealer has developed a split personality - again.

One personality is Summer Montrealer, the other Winter Montrealer - and they couldn't be more different, because they live in utterly opposite climates.

Winter Montrealer is a stressed-out creature bundled in five layers of clothing who lives in the High Arctic. This personality is always in a rush, hurrying from one warm place to the next, its mind whirling with things to do -like leap over a snow bank, unfreeze the car lock, smash the ice off the windshield then drive the kids to a hockey practice two hours away in a blinding snowstorm.

In contrast, Summer Montrealer is a mellow, blissed-out personality that ambles the streets half-naked, its mind a blank. This creature lives in a steamy tropical climate, like that recent heat wave when it was so humid pigeons were falling from the sky with heat stroke and squirrels were spontaneously combusting and bursting into flames.

Summer Montrealer talks slower, walks slower and even drives slower than Winter Montrealer because - hey, what's the hurry? This personality stops to admire nice cloud formations, or a sliver of moon in the twilight sky that Winter Montrealers never notice because they're too busy looking down so they won't slip on the ice.

Winter Montrealer is a conscientious global citizen who devours TV news and newspapers to keep its mind off its own difficult existence. The typical Winter Montrealer knows the weekly casualty count in Afghanistan and follows the latest hijab battles in Holland, power struggles in Washington, or France, and the nightly hockey scores -not to mention the exact percentage of Quebecers who support sovereignty.

Summer Montrealer couldn't care less. It's only interested in newspaper stories about salad recipes and the best rose to have with shrimp.

Winter Montrealer is a stylish creature dressed in the latest fashions, under its unfashionable parka. But Summer Montrealer just has a pair of shorts, or a short skirt -and hopes no one cares. I went to a big comedy festival show the other night in shorts and a T-shirt, feeling underdressed, but half the crowd was wearing sandals and bathing trunks. If summer lasts long enough, we'll eventually become nudists.

Winter Montrealer is a hearty eater who fills restaurants, dining on steaks, smoked meat, BBQ chicken and poutine. But Summer Montrealer barely touches this stuff. It prefers fish, fruit salad, smoothies, gazpacho and anything with ice -ice coffee, ice tea, ice water and ice cream.

That's why Winter Montreal weighs 36 million pounds more than Summer Montreal.

For entertainment, Winter Montrealer goes to the movies five times a week because it's too dark out to do anything else. Summer Montrealer never steps into a movie because it's too nice out to sit in the dark. The only exception is massive heat waves when Summer Montrealer goes anywhere with great air conditioning.

Instead of movies, Summer Montrealer fills festivals, hopping from jazz fest to comedy fest to the Festival of the Barbecue on the Balcony. Summer Montrealer eats three meals a day outside, even in a heat wave, or a rainstorm -it just puts up a beach umbrella.

At heart, Winter Montrealer is a workaholic because that's all there is to do in winter -apart from moving the car when the snow clearing sirens wail. Summer Montrealer goes to work as late as possible, then has a long terrasse lunch and returns to the office utterly drained from the heat, to spend the rest of the day gazing out the window, wondering if it's time to start working.

If it weren't for Winter Montrealer, our economy would be worse than Greece's.

Above all, Summer Montrealer is a friendly type who loves to yak on the street with neighbours, friends, passersby and winos. Winter Montrealer rarely talks to anyone because it's cold, dark and impossible to recognize anyone under their hoods. If Winter Montrealer ever met Summer Montrealer, conversation would be awkward.

Summer Montrealer: Hey -how're ya doing! You new on this block? Winter Montrealer: Actually, I've lived here 30 years. It's nice to meet you -but I'm a little busy now, so maybe we could chat tonight after work, once I get out of my health club at 7:30, then spend 20 minutes dressing and 30 stressing in traffic. Now excuse me while I go dig out my car. Summer Montrealer: Hey man, what's the rush? Life is short and beautiful ... let's go find a terrace and chill out.

Winter Montrealer: I am chilled out man -it's minus 22.

So there they are, Dr. Goof-off of summer and Mr. Hide from winter. They are both us -and me. And it's time to goof off.

Josh_freed@hotmail.com