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Drinking Purple Drank, and other things I plan to do when I'm 85 ...
I've been following the arrest of former Oakland Raider Jamarcus Russell, for allegedly possessing codeine cough syrup, with great interest this week. Not to pass judgment on the all-time biggest NFL bust -- there are hundreds of sports writers and columnists doing that much better than me. Mostly I'm interested in following any new trends in illegal street narcotics. And you can add "consuming Purple Drank" to my list of activities I wouldn't think to participate in now, but look forward to doing when I'm 85.
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For now, I'll stick to Kool Aid ...
There's a long list of things that I plan to do when I'm an octogenarian.
Ever since the my first of two boys was born five years ago, I've become so ridiculously responsible and conservative with my actions that I need an occasional release in the other direction. Confining 90 percent of my year's alcohol consumption to a four-day Spring Training trip is one example. The other big release is the promise to do all the stupid, fun, socially gross and self-destructive things I'm not doing now once I reach my golden years.
The Alan Arkin character in "Little Miss Sunshine" had a pretty good sililoquy soliloquy about this, which I can't find on YouTube. (Why is it that there are something like 47 different versions of Bryan Adams' "Heaven" on YouTube, but one of the funniest scenes in recent movie history is absent?) I can really relate to that guy. I have no bucket list of far-away countries to visit or skydiving expeditions. My list is a bunch of stupid/illegal things I'd never get away with as a responsible adult.
Below are four items on my list of things I'm too much of a wuss to do now, but I'm going to do when I'm 85. Yours in the comments ...
Doing drugs: It's been close to half a lifetime since I did illegal drugs. But I've been injured/sick enough in the last decade to know what prescription painkillers and narcotic cough syrup is like. And when I'm 85, I think I'm going to want to feel like that all the time. Realistically, I'll have to practice moderation, because my wife isn't the Purple Drank type, and I'll want to set a decent example for my grandchildren. Hopefully by then, Purple Drank and everything else will be legal any way. Either way, I think it's safe to say I'll be listening to this song a lot at the retirement home.
Wearing pajamas to Target: Honestly, any one of us could probably pull this off right now. While Target is still a step and a half classier than Wal-Mart, the retail giant is still a come-as-you-are kind of place. When I'm 85, though, I plan to take it a step further and arrive in my regular clothes, put on some pajamas in the men's department, and then wear them to the checkstand -- where I will sit on the black conveyer belt thing and ride it to the checker, insisting that she (it's definitely going to be a she) use the price gun on my pajama-clothed body. All the while, I'll be eating a bag of shredded cheese from the P-Fresh. I'm guessing this won't be the strangest thing happening at Target in the year 2055.
Making it rain: I admit it. Like everyone else who's reading this, I've locked myself in my room and stood in front of a mirror with a handful of $1 bills -- and then tossed them in the air to see what it would look like to make it rain. But I'm way too cheap and self-conscious to do this in a public forum. By the year 2055, I'm anticipating that inflation has made a garbage bag full of ones worth next to nothing. I plan to drink some Purple Drank and make it rain in the DMV, on AC Transit and anywhere else in need of a little excitement. (In the meantime, I just watch this video a lot. Maybe NSFW, depending on how cool your boss is ...)
Telling nasty commenters to @#$% off: As frequent visitors to this site are aware, my philosophy when it comes to trolls is passive resistance. Part of this is to promote constructive dialogue over arguments that go nowhere. But mostly I ignore nasty commenters because this is, as far-fetched as it may seem, part of how I make my living. And I'm not going to jeopardize that by telling HatesTheWorld152 what I really think about him. That being said, I'm taking detailed notes of everything you're saying about me, my family and the decor of my house. And in a little over 45 years ...
PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.
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| July 07 2010 at 06:36 AM
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