19 reasons why God torched Jesus

Charred remnants remained this morning of the large Jesus statue iconic to Interstate 75 that was destroyed following an apparent lightning strike during a thunderstorm late Monday night. -- Dayton Daily News

1) You ever wake up one day and look at your leopard-print bedspread or your jacked-up Ford F-150 pickup with the airbrushed scene from "Lord of the Rings" on the side, or maybe see your fifth wife's giant box of pink wine in the fridge and go, "Oh my God, what the hell was I thinking?"

You ever have that fine, epiphanic moment when you realize an eyesore's an eyesore and it's time for some, you know, housecleaning? And what better way to rid yourself of some of the more hideous crap laying about than maybe tossing it into a nice bonfire? By the highway? In Ohio? God has those moments, too.

2) The late, great fundamentalist nutcase Oral Roberts, he who singlehandedly inflicted the nightmare of the megachurch on humanity, he who invented Oral Roberts University and spawned a hugely corrupt, slug-slick huckster son named Richard to run it into the ground, well, Oral reportedly had himself a hot little vision some 30 years ago, in which he claims to have encountered -- and chatted with -- a 900-foot Jesus, which is as tall as the Chrysler building, thus making his casual conversation sort of like you talking to a flea. Cute!

All of which is to say: A measly six-story, truncated half-Jesus made out of Styrofoam and coat hangers and Elmer's glue, stuck on the side of an Ohio highway? You call that a vision? For that to be a real vision worthy of a pseudo-religious shyster worth his misfiring synapses, the thing should be on fire. Aha!

3) I'll let you in on a little secret: God had nothing to do with it.

A shockingly large number of Americans don't yet realize just how powerful the gay movement has become. Few seem to comprehend what sort of nasty underworld forces have been unleashed thanks to all those sassy gay sitcom characters, the gay marriage movement and Ellen DeGeneres. The homo energy wave has quietly been increasing in strength over the years and is now fully able, after millennia of bad Liza Minnelli impersonations, tight tank tops and Speedos, to actually control the elements.

Don't you see? It's all very timely, really. Prop. 8's ultimate fate is being decided as I write these words. The evil gays needed to send a message to really freak out the homophobes. Turning half the megachurch pastors, Catholic priests and Boy Scout leaders gay didn't seem to have any effect. I've got it! Torch the giant Jesus! So easy. Next up: hailstorms of butt plugs during the Super Bowl. Watch for it.

4) Oh sure, make all the jokes you want. "God struck down his only son. Again!" Or, "I guess God really hates Styrofoam!" Here's what the fundamentalists think: "It's genius! Don't you see God's master plan here? He started a holy conversation! We're all talking about Jesus again! He brought Christ back into the public consciousness! Yay, God!"

Sure, you could argue it's a form of the Savior that's just a wee bit tacky, insulting and childish, not to mention a laughable piece of "artwork" you wouldn't wish upon a blind quadriplegic goat herder. Whatevs. As the Pharisees used to say: "No such thing as bad press, yo."

5) He is resin.

6) The real Jesus of historical record, being a grizzled, husky, musky, dark-skinned Jew with short, curly black hair who rarely showered and smelled of goat droppings and dried sweat, and who had a thing for screaming random prophesies in the streets and talking about doom, fire and the unbearable hotness of Mary Magdalene, well, the real Jesus' spirit has been quite displeased with being eternally depicted as a pale, soft-focus blond European hippie in bleached-out robes who likes to give lots of there-there-now hugs while watching professional sports. Basta.

7) One word: S'mores.

8) Two more: Insurance money. God has been eyeing the new Cadillac CTS Coupe. In this economy? You do what need to do.

9) God: "Wait, what? That was supposed to be Jesus? It looked like Charles Manson after too many marshmallow peeps and a bad peroxide job. Aw, dammit."

10) Word has it the Hustler Hollywood sign sitting atop the adult bookstore across the street from the torched Touchdown Jesus was left unscathed, thus proving (once again) that God really does like porn. And irony. Or just needs a new contact lens prescription.

11) God is actually Larry Flynt.

12) Really, who doesn't like to watch fundamentalists scurry about in a baffled frenzy, unsure what it all might mean, vowing to rebuild the tacky roadside hellbeast in honor of, well, of not really understanding much about divinity, or art, or how nature works? Not God, that's who.

13) Thor had had just about enough.

14) Correction: Zeus.

15) Because God loves the smell of burning Styrofoam and fiberglass in the morning. Smells like ... victory.

16) Reminder to all smartass born-again sons-of-god in the universe: Do not toss your dad's last carton of Camel menthols into the lake of fire as a gag. He'll flick his pinkie finger and torch your favorite little roadside attraction in an eyeblink. So vengeful! Shoulda known.

17) Hey, all kids and parents argue.

18) The revenge of science.

19) At last! The End Times hath arrived! Wrath, hellfire, lightning, burning Jesus, oil in the seas, plagues of grasshoppers, a black president, Gary Coleman dead, the works. About time, no?

*With special thanks to all the Facebook fans and Daring Spectacle readers who inspired/contributed to this list.

Mark Morford's new book, 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism,' is now available at daringspectacle.com, Amazon, BN.com, and beyond.

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