'Jersey' housewife's sex tape so ... cliche!

Everything we know we learned from television:

-- You'd think with summer approaching this would be a collection of light and whimsical notes about television. But it's more like a collection of sickening and depressing recitations about horrible or uninteresting people. Read on!

-- Danielle Staub, one of the New Jersey "Real Housewives," has a sex tape that has "somehow" ended up in the hands of Hustler. And there are some dirty pictures on the Interwebs. A couple of thoughts here: If you have ever seen any of the "Real Housewives" iterations, well, that's just sad. Go shower. If you know who Staub is, you may be wondering how Hustler is going to sell it. And last, can we all agree that the appearance of sex tapes or photos from people on reality shows can no longer be considered a coincidence? It's officially a cliche.

-- A production company is trolling the Southern states for people who "want to party their asses off on the sickest reality show," which will, unfortunately, probably be coming to a channel near you. Having saturated the market with Jersey stereotypes, it's time to exploit the drawl.

-- Katy Perry is going to host the Teen Choice Awards. A word to the youth of America: Make better choices when it comes to music.

-- Charlie Sheen is still not in jail. He'll get there eventually. But apparently he wants to perform community service by helping out local actors, etc. Not picking up trash or whatnot. Once he negotiates a deal that allows his backside to land on a pile of Charmin, justice will be served and he can return to his lame TV show. We shall keep you posted. Or not.

-- Apparently MTV was shocked and possibly appalled by the amount of swearing that occurred on its insipid and yet yearly MTV Movie Awards broadcast. It has apologized for all the swearing. The delay wasn't enough to mute every one uttered, in a clever ploy to stoke the younger demo numbers. If you watched this ceremony, you should probably know that there's a sex tape of Danielle Staub out there you might want to track down. Hustle up.

-- There are plans for an "Entourage" movie.

-- Why networks are always trying to find a hit sitcom: "Seinfeld" has raked in $2.7 billion in reruns. Yes, billion.

-- If you haven't been reading the pop culture news lately, here's an update: "Glee," "Glee," "Glee," "Glee," "Glee" and "Glee."

-- There are Gary Coleman death photos for sale.

-- Gary Coleman's parents, who once sued in an effort to control his fortune, gave up attempts to claim his body and have him buried in his hometown. This would be a good time to go hug your kids and cancel that theater camp you've got scheduled for the summer.

-- Cesar Millan, a.k.a. the "Dog Whisperer," is getting divorced. His wife is named Ilusion. The divorce is being called amicable, but it's unlikely that she'll just roll over when it comes to the settlement.

-- In one of the greatest - or at least funniest - protests in TV history, fans of the canceled mystery-thriller "FlashForward" planned to pass out Thursday for two minutes and 17 seconds in front of ABC buildings in various cities. The stunt is in reference to the brilliant premise of the series. Unfortunately, "FlashForward" never lived up to that promise, became lame and essentially passed out in the ratings. No one connected to the series saw the cancellation coming in their "flash forward" memories.

-- The stars of "The Big Bang Theory" on CBS reportedly want a 285 percent pay raise. In our "flash forward" memory, we saw them all in Hallmark movies three years from now.

-- Ellen DeGeneres says she'll probably be a little bit meaner next year on "American Idol."

-- There's going to be another year of "American Idol."

-- Jimmy Fallon's ratings are down and NBC doesn't have a really good reason for that. Um ... no, too easy.

-- Bring me the head of everybody in this column.

-- The High Fives: 1. "Breaking Bad." 2. "Treme." 3. Real content in summer programming. 4. Watching Stephen Strasburg's Nationals debut on MLB channel. 5. Hoping that some channel picks up "The Life & Times of Tim," now that HBO has foolishly canceled it.

E-mail Tim Goodman at tgoodman@sfchronicle.com. You can read his TV blog, the Bastard Machine, at www.thebastardmachine.com. Follow him at www.twitter.com/bastardmachine.

This article appeared on page F - 1 of the San Francisco Chronicle