Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog
Sports »
Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone
CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
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Infographic »
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some......more»
Local
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Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet
CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone....more»
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News In Photos »
Of Course Hair Stylist Remembers Gina
World
Entertainment
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its......more»
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Horoscopes »
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
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TV Listings »
General Hospice
ABC
3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT
Yet another smoldering illicit affair is cut short by the ever-present specter of renal failure.
Science & Technology
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Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The SignBuying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly.......more»
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Editorial Cartoon »
Wine Caps
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
DUKE
Duke & Duke Commodities BrokersStock prices plummeted today as proprietors Mortimer and Randolph Duke, believing a fraudulent orange crop report to be authentic, incurred a $394 million loss from their purchase of frozen concentrated orange juice futures at inflated prices, and, in turn, subsidized the fortunes of two men—a former privileged investor and a onetime street hustler—whose fates they had cruelly reversed in a contemptible low-stakes wager.
