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October 31, 2009 - November 6, 2009 | Issue 45•44

Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla. ...

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

issue 4544 | 10.31.09 | News

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night,... more»
Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | News

NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I let it bother me. I've lived a rich,... more»
U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | News

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"We've spent a lot of time and money fostering the turmoil and despair necessary to make this a sustainable quagmire, and... more»
Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the... more»
World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday,... more»
Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the... more»
Timeless Masterpiece Liked

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | News In Brief

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of... more»
Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | News In Brief

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes,... more»
Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a rare display of bipartisanship, senators on both sides of the aisle set aside their differences Tuesday and passed off... more»
Travel Channel Blows Its 'Bed And Breakfasts Of New England' Wad

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | News In Brief

GARRETT, MD—After airing four consecutive days of programming devoted to mulled cider, antique weather vanes, and changing foliage,... more»
Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | Sports News

PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial... more»
McDonald's Abandons Iceland

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | American Voices

Iceland's three McDonald's locations are closing because of the collapse of the island nation's currency. What do you think? more»
Latvian Meteor Strike A Hoax

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | American Voices

A Latvian mobile phone company has admitted it staged a meteor strike outside the town of Mazsalaca as a publicity stunt. What do you think? more»
Laptops Contributed To Pilot Error

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | American Voices

Federal safety investigators are citing use of laptop computers among the factors that caused a Northwest Airlines pilot and copilot to become... more»
Morrissey Stable After Onstage Collapse

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | American Voices

Former Smiths singer Morrissey is in stable condition after developing breathing problems and falling to the ground during a performance in... more»
T. Rex Ancestor Was Human-Sized

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | American Voices

Paleontologists have uncovered fossil evidence of a progenitor of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that was no larger than a human being. What do you... more»
Overburdened Dept. Of Health And Human Services Cancels Flu Season

issue 4544 | 11.01.09 | Radio
Transplant Recipient Still Getting Feel For New Pancreas

issue 4544 | 10.31.09 | Radio
World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Its Mayonnaise Footprint

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | Radio
Department Of Transportation To Add Earth-Friendly Walking Lanes To Highways

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | Radio
Former President Bill Clinton Becomes Pure Energy

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | Radio
Millions Cheer Ball's Passage Through Hoop

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | Radio
Vice President Joe Biden Goes On Potato-Gun Rampage

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | Radio
Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

issue 4544 | 10.31.09 | News In Photos
Stevie Nicks Dancing Alone On Beach Under Full Moon

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | News In Photos
In This Economy, It Would Be Crazy To Run Out And Expose Yourself To Your Son's Soccer Team

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | Commentary

Ladies and gentlemen, it's rough out there. I don't need to tell you that. A lot of folks have seen their savings go up in smoke the last... more»
I Got Some Sweet New Digs

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. How's it going? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been cheek-deep in a ditch of shit. First of all,... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | Horoscopes
States Struggle To Fill Budget Gaps

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | Infographic

As the economy continues to falter, states are finding it difficult to remain solvent. Here are some of the new taxes... more»
How Are We Scaring The Kids?

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | Statshot
Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

issue 4544 | 11.02.09 | Video

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck. more»
Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | Video

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster... more»
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

issue 4544 | 10.27.09 | Video

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality. more»
The Presidency

issue 4544 | 11.03.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4544 | 11.01.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | Slideshow
Boo! Why You Were Not Remotely Scared By This And How Foolish We Feel For Even Having Tried

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | Sunday Magazine
Fan Turns Skin Inside Out To Rally Team

issue 4544 | 10.29.09 | Photo Finish
God Dammit, Former High School Quarterback Now Successful Lawyer

issue 4544 | 10.30.09 | Newswire
Job Title Mumbled

issue 4544 | 10.28.09 | Newswire
Bible In Breast Pocket Miraculously Stops Conversation

issue 4544 | 10.26.09 | Newswire