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Sports »
Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works
TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series....more»
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Infographic »
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some......more»
Local
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9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal
IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old......more»
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Statshot »
How Are We Protecting Our Valuables?
World
Entertainment
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10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire
CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned......more»
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Horoscopes »
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
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TV Listings »
Man vs. Seagull
NGC
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
This week, an unemployed roofer is enters a battle of wits with a Home Depot parking-lot gull colony. To the victor go a cruller and a hot-dog bun.
Science & Technology
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Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program
JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating......more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype?When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Coping with my husband's death has been very difficult for me; it would really help if you stopped printing articles with the word "John" in them.
Mary Tomlinson, Newark, NJ
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
GOYA
GoyaAlthough it is not uncommon among Latin American firms, markets still reacted negatively to news that a radical cannery laborer had seized control of the corporate headquarters, disbanded the board of directors, and declared himself chief financial officer for life.
