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The Onion

Since 1896 I am Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is wandering along I-97 in a bathrobe with no memory of who he is. Whether adorning jewelry or serving as home furnishings baby skulls are one of the most sought after ornamental items in the United States. But a new report finds as many as 3 are acquired in illegal and sometimes brutal ways. Should the baby skull industry be subject to greater regulations? The skull trade is not without corruption, we all know this. - Yes. In Angola laborers who travel on foot from village to village collecting baby skulls are forced to work 16 hours straight. - It's awful. - These skulls pass through so many hands it is hard to know which ones are harvested illegally and which ones are harvested responsibly as they have been doing for hundreds of years. It is ironic that something so beautiful could be tied to so much pain and suffering. Yes, but people should not be demonized just for wearing a baby skull. Listen, last month there was a photo spread in Newsweek that ran and showed some of these baby skull harvesters and they were in very bad shape, some of them had their arms cut off they had gotten in the way of their own machetes while harvesting these skulls. - Whose fault is that? I don't see how anybody right now can buy a baby skull with a clean conscience. - That is unfair. I should bad for wearing this necklace? My mother gave it to me. It is beautiful Lauralee, it is a beautiful necklace. - It is a stunning necklace Lauralee. - Thank you. And I hope that it was collected and polished using fair practices. The fact, Lauralee, is that you just don't know. In response to the recent outcry the baby skull industry has launched a massive nation-wide campaign to salvage its image. Some critics argue that ads like these should be required to warn consumers about possible humanitarian issues. It is not going to matter how many warnings you put on it, people are not going to stop wanting baby skulls. There we agree. Every little girl grows up dreaming of a whole chest full of baby skulls. - Baby skulls are part of our culture. - That is right. If my husband hadn't given me a baby skull ring when he proposed to me I would have been like, where's the skull? If consumers are concerned about possible abuse then they should take matters into their own hands, ask the skull dealer where he got the skull, ask to see the spine if he has it. - Exactly. Some have suggested that we build up the baby skull industry in our own nation so that we might be able to provide greater oversight. - Great solution. - American babies on American soil. I have seen some of those cheap Chinese baby skulls and sure they're cheap but that's just because their more plentiful. They have a lot of problems, they have dings and dents. But Lauralee I am talking about high quality American made skulls. Now, take a look at this skull that I got from an independent dealer recently. Oh my god, Duncan that is not a baby skull! - That is a cow skull. - What? Oh, oh! God damn it. Still ahead this hour: Obama to appear on cover of President Magazine.