Valentine's Day Specials

This time of year, couples can take advantage of the great Valentine's deals many businesses have to offer. Here are some of the bargains that are available:

• JetBlue: Last-minute Elopers' Special fares to Reno or Las Vegas with coupon code HUGEMISTAKE
• 1-800-Flowers: Bouquet of any kind guaranteed to be delivered at least two days late, and without apology or refund; applies to any order, ever, not just those on Valentine's Day
• Frederick's of Hollywood: 10 percent off everything crotchless
• T.G.I. Friday's: Free margaritas for every table that looks like the guy's having trouble closing the deal
• Target: Half off candles you can light and enjoy until he comes home and says this place smells like a goddamn whorehouse and blows them out, throwing them in the trash before heading into the bedroom to play Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
• Sears Portrait Studio: Free after-hours erotic portrait session when you call Doug on his home phone
• Rite Aid: Complimentary can of Axe body spray with every NuvaRing purchased
• Thomas Kinkade Art Gallery: Available for a limited time only at the price of $499.49, a new original painting signed by Kinkade himself and titled "Fuckin' In The Snow"