Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
Sports »
Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR
KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR... more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal
IDAHO FALLS, ID—"Admittedly, this is not what we were expecting," said a University of Cambridge doctor of divinity. "The Bible speaks of a beast with seven horns and seven eyes, not a raven-haired woman from the north who knows not what foolishness she speaks of."...more»
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News In Photos »
Hulking Strongman Now Only Voice Of Reason In Republican Party
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Local
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Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper
OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive......more»
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National News Highlights »
ATLANTA,GA-In a stroke of genius, Kevin Coffrin laid on his car horn while stuck on I-20, signaling his importance to surrounding drivers, who all immediately pulled aside and allowed him to pass effortlessly through the snarled traffic.
World
Entertainment
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10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire
CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned......more»
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Horoscopes »
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week, when you turn 25.
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TV Listings »
Family vs. High School Reunion
LIFETIME
11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST
A 28-year-old man must choose between spending an evening with his alcoholic parents questioning his career path, or with former schoolmates trying to explain how he gained so much weight.
Science & Technology
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Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program
JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating......more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Columnists »
I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's......more»
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Corrections »
On Tuesday, The Onion reported that no one was injured when fire was set to the I Luv Wigs! store. In fact, the alien wearing the purple curly one was burned to the ground. The Onion regrets the error and the loss of such a weird mannequin.
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
SJM
SmuckersThis jam maker suffered a disappointing week on reports that exasperated mothers across the nation have finally had it up to here with sticky drawer knobs, refrigerator handles, and adorably messy toddler mouths.
