Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts
Sports »
Bobby Hurley
The Duke legend and NCAA all-time assists leader is still a symbol of tournament greatness. Was he any good? more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
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Infographic »
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some......more»
Local
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Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stucco, listening to the ticking of a large wall clock, and trying to ignore his growing urge to urinate....more»
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Weddings »
While visiting Minnetonka, MN last weekend, Beth Hall and Cory LeBlanc of Las Vegas, NV awoke with pounding headaches and slowly pieced together that they had wed each other on a whim the night before in a 120-guest traditional Lutheran wedding.
World
Entertainment
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10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire
CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned......more»
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Horoscopes »
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
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TV Listings »
Man vs. Seagull
NGC
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
This week, an unemployed roofer is enters a battle of wits with a Home Depot parking-lot gull colony. To the victor go a cruller and a hot-dog bun.
Science & Technology
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Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are," said CEO Eric Schmidt....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister'It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Coping with my husband's death has been very difficult for me; it would really help if you stopped printing articles with the word "John" in them.
Mary Tomlinson, Newark, NJ
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
GOYA
GoyaAlthough it is not uncommon among Latin American firms, markets still reacted negatively to news that a radical cannery laborer had seized control of the corporate headquarters, disbanded the board of directors, and declared himself chief financial officer for life.
