Daytime, Nighttime 7-11 Clerks Have Vastly Different Opinions Of Area Man
Sports »
Nate Robinson
The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good? more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other
The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred....more»
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News In Photos »
Bill Clinton Has Unibeam Installed In Chest
...more»
Local
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Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status
MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition......more»
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Statshot »
How Are We Keeping Our Abstinence Pledges?
World
Entertainment
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Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated......more»
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Horoscopes »
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
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TV Listings »
Top Sous Chef
BRAVO
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
This week, Amanda preps 45 pounds of tomatoes for gazpacho while Trina tries to keep her cool after explaining the computer system to the new waitress for the third time.
Science & Technology
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Rise In Teen Pregnancy Proves Teens Still Got It
WASHINGTON—Despite concerns that abstinence-only programs were robbing teens of their natural ability to bring it, these Bush-era initiatives have actually reinvigorated the sexually active group, allowing them to dig deep and strut their stuff like never before....more»
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Infographic »
Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
If Only I'd Listened To Virtually AnyoneI can't believe I did it again. They tried to tell me—all of them did—but I didn't heed any of their warnings. Why do I have to be so......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Quick—and never mind why—just tell me: What year is it?
Ryan Kenmore, Laconia, NH
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Real Estate »
Not Getting Any Younger!
Time to grow up and move home to Eau Claire, WI, say your grandparents. That girl you took to the prom has a good job at the VA hospital and could make room in her life—and condo—for a handsome, single 34-year-old guy. Reference number MA2565902
