Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal
Sports »
Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later
SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever." more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim
MONTGOMERY, AL—A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of......more»
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News In Photos »
Bill Clinton Has Unibeam Installed In Chest
...more»
Local
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Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status
MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition......more»
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Statshot »
How Are We Keeping Our Abstinence Pledges?
World
Entertainment
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Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated......more»
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Horoscopes »
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
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TV Listings »
Top Sous Chef
BRAVO
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
This week, Amanda preps 45 pounds of tomatoes for gazpacho while Trina tries to keep her cool after explaining the computer system to the new waitress for the third time.
Science & Technology
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Video »
NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018
The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018....more»
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Infographic »
Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use ItYou never know when life could take a tragic turn. One moment you're sleeping comfortably in your home and the next you suddenly find yourself in......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Quick—and never mind why—just tell me: What year is it?
Ryan Kenmore, Laconia, NH
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool
DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that......more»
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Real Estate »
Not Getting Any Younger!
Time to grow up and move home to Eau Claire, WI, say your grandparents. That girl you took to the prom has a good job at the VA hospital and could make room in her life—and condo—for a handsome, single 34-year-old guy. Reference number MA2565902
